INT. WHITE ROOM

Michael is sitting in a chair. He seems like a nice guy. He talks to the camera.

MICHAEL
One day, I came home to find the following message on my answer machine...

CLOSE-UP: ANSWER MACHINE

ANSWER MACHINE (V.O.)
Hi, this is Amanda. I don’t think you know me but another Michael asked me to call you if I was in trouble. My number is 555-1212. I’d like to speak with you. Goodnight.

MICHAEL
The voice was sultry and intriguing, sort of like Kathleen Turner, so I immediately called her back.

INT. MICHAEL’S HOLLYWOOD BUNGALOW

Michael’s home is cluttered and eclectic, reflecting the workings of a strange mind. Michael is on the phone.

MICHAEL
Hello Amanda? This is Michael returning your call.

AMANDA (V.O.)
Who?

MICHAEL
Michael Dare. Didn’t you just leave me a message?

AMANDA (V.O.)
No, I don’t know what you’re talking about.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
I turned on my answer machine and played her the message. She said it wasn’t her. Apparently someone who knew both of us pretended to be Amanda and called me. Well, we started comparing pasts and found that we had no friends in common. We were both extremely puzzled but we figured what the hell and kept talking. She was a psychologist who plays the cello, I’m a film critic who plays guitar. The circumstances of our conversation were so strange that we both became equally intrigued with each other. Was somebody trying to push us together? We decided to meet the next day at the bar at the Cafe Mustache on Melrose. She described herself as having long blonde curly hair.

INT. MUSTACHE CAFE

Michael enters the extremely hip French restaurant looking very out of place. He notices three women with blonde hair sitting at the bar and walks up to the first.

MICHAEL
Amanda?

She shakes her head, and Michael walks up to the second.

MICHAEL (CONTD.)
Are you Amanda?

She shakes her head and looks at him like he’s a slug. Michael shrugs and waves to the bartender.

MICHAEL (CONTD.)
Could I have a Manhattan?

The bartender brings him the drink which he downs in one swallow before approaching the third woman.

MICHAEL
You’re not Amanda, are you?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Yes, I am.

MICHAEL
Thank God, I was hoping it was you, you’re beautiful. I’m Michael.

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
Who?

MICHAEL
Michael Dare. Aren’t you the Amanda who was supposed to meet me here?

BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
No.

The beautiful woman nervously slips away. A second later, the burly bartender approaches Michael.

BARTENDER
What did you say to my girlfriend?

MICHAEL (V.O.)
I explained the whole thing to him, and he walked away with a puzzled look and too big a tip. I sat at the end of the bar drinking manhattans for the next hour, but no more contenders showed up and I went home. I forgot about the whole thing until two months later.

INT. MICHAEL’S BUNGALOW
Michael answers the phone.

AMANDA (V.O.)
Hi, this is Amanda. Remember me?

MICHAEL
Sure, the blonde cellist. What happened?

AMANDA (V.O.)
I was on my way to the Mustache when I was smacked by a hit-and-run driver. My car was totaled and I broke 14 bones. I’ve been in the hospital and I just got out.

MICHAEL
That’s awful. Well thanks for calling. What do we do now?

AMANDA (V.O.)
I thought that maybe the fates were against us meeting, but now I’m really curious about you.

MICHAEL (V.0.)
She agreed to come by that afternoon to go with me to a screening that night, but she never showed up. Last Friday night the phone rang.

AMANDA (V.0.)
Hi, this is Amanda. Are you pissed at me?

MICHAEL
No. What happened this time?

AMANDA (V.0.)
I was in jail. I was on my way over when I was stopped for speeding, and I had a warrant out. I know this is ridiculous, but I really need to get out of the house tonight. Could I come by? I’ve really got to meet you. I don’t believe this is happening.

MICHAEL (V.0.)
For the second time I gave her directions to my house, though I certainly didn’t expect her to show up, but my friend Alex did. He loved the whole story, and went over to Bernie Myronson’s to call every fifteen minutes for updates. Bernie lives just a few blocks away, so they were prepared to come over and save me just in case she was trouble. Little did they know.
 I was watching a videotape of Fellini’s 8 1/2 at two that morning when I heard someone outside scream my name. I opened the door and there stood a chunky 40 year old blonde in a bright red dress and high heels, with a paramedic.

PARAMEDIC
Do you know this woman?

MICHAEL
No.

AMANDA
(screaming)
Michael, I’m Amanda!

MICHAEL
Oh, I guess I know her.

The Paramedic smiles and nods at her, then bends down and kisses her. She puts her arms around him and it turns into a serious kiss, then he leaves. Amanda enters Michael’s place, trips on her high heels, and sits on the sofa.

AMANDA
You’re not what I expected. Am I what you expected?

MICHAEL
I wasn’t really expecting anything. What’s your problem at home? What are you scared of? And who was that guy?

AMANDA
I’m not in any trouble, and that guy was a cop. So have you got anything for me?

MICHAEL
What do you mean?

AMANDA
You don’t have anything for me?

MICHAEL
No.

AMANDA
So what should we do? Let’s go to bed.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
Now it isn’t as though the thought hadn’t crossed my mind while talking to her on the phone, and if she had looked like Kelly LeBrock I might have complied with her offer to jump her bones, but this sleazy druggy on my sofa was far from the cello playing psychiatrist I had pictured. This was a desperate case who needed a psychiatrist. Luckily the phone rang and it was Alex.

ALEX (V.O.)
Hi, is she there?

MICHAEL
Yeah.

ALEX (V.O.)
Is she beautiful?

MICHAEL
No.

ALEX (V.O.)
Is she dangerous?

MICHAEL
Maybe.

ALEX (V.O.)
Should I come over and save you?

MICHAEL
Yes please.
 (V.O.)
I hung up and told her my friend Alex was coming over. She took it hard.

AMANDA
You don’t like me.

MICHAEL
It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just that you told me you were in trouble and I wanted to help.

AMANDA
Well, have you got something for me?

MICHAEL (V.0.)
What the fuck is she talking about? Does she want drugs, money, or my body? I offered her a joint but she didn’t want it.

Alex shows up and decides to pretend he’s an actor. His excuse for barging in at this late hour was that he needed to borrow my copy of Wired because he had just been cast in the role of John Belushi in the film.

AMANDA
But you don’t look anything like John Belushi, Amanda brightly quipped.

Alex gets loud.

ALEX
Do you think they’re going to cast someone just because they look like him? They needed another stark raving lunatic so they hired me.

He wiggles his eyebrows and takes the book off the shelf. She grabs it from him and hits him over the head with it.

AMANDA
You’re not anything like John Belushi!

ALEX
I’ve got to go. Michael, can I talk to you?

Together we walk to his car.

Michael, this woman is crazy. She hit me. You’ve got to get her out of the house.

MICHAEL
How? She seems too drunk to drive and she just told me she wants to go to bed with me.

ALEX
You’re in trouble, dude. I’m going to bring back Bernie, he’ll be able to help.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
Alex drives off in his BMW. I go back inside and try to have an intelligent conversation with Amanda but it is no use. The subjects of film, music, photography, journalism, and art are all beyond her.

The phone rings. It’s Bernie.

BERNIE (V.O.)
Hey man, you got a witch over there?

MICHAEL
Could be.

BERNIE
You want me to handle it?

MICHAEL
If you wouldn’t mind.

BERNIE
I’ll be right there.

Amanda focusses for a nanosecond.

AMANDA
What’s going on?

MICHAEL
Another friend of mine is coming over, Bernie, he’s a video maker.

Tears form in her eyes.

AMANDA
Oh. What will we do? Should I go? I can’t go home, they’ll arrest me.

MICHAEL
For what?

AMANDA
It’s a long story. Have you got something to drink?

MICHAEL
Just water.

AMANDA
Okay.

I go into the kitchen and try to take as long as I can. I wash a glass, I get out some ice, I refill the icecube tray, I fill the glass with water, and bring it out to her. There’s a knock at the door.

MICHAEL
Come in.

In step Bernie, Alex, and Andre Hakim. Bernie takes out his wallet, opens it up, and immediately walks over to Amanda. He speaks intensely.

BERNIE
Do you see this?

AMANDA
(meekly)
Yes...

BERNIE
Do you know what it is?

AMANDA
No.

BERNIE
It’s a CIA card, so you better watch yourself.

AMANDA
Okay.

BERNIE
Let me ask you, do you have a daughter?

AMANDA
Yes I do, she said.

MICHAEL(V.O.)
There’s absolutely no way Bernie could have known this.

BERNIE
And she’s three?

AMANDA
Yes.

BERNIE
An Aquarius?

AMANDA
Yes.

BERNIE
Born on February 2nd?

AMANDA
February 3rd. How do you know about my daughter?

BERNIE
Man, because I’m fucking psychic, that’s how I know.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
This is too much for me. I walk outside and talk to Andre. Andre is a bright wiry little Frenchman. He’s also Darryl Zanuck’s grandson, and he and Bernie have been struggling to make a film called The Criswell File about the seer’s prophecies coming true. Bernie’s little display inside had impressed us both.

ANDRE
Bernie was pretty good in there, said Andre.

MICHAEL
I don’t believe he got all that shit right, but how are we going to get her out of my house?

Bernie immediately came out the door and joined us.

BERNIE
You’re in trouble, man, she’s a psychopath and she’s dangerous.

MICHAEL
What’s the plan?

BERNIE
Let’s all go to my place. I’m sure she’ll come with us and at least she’ll be out of the house.

MICHAEL
But then she’ll be in your house.

BERNIE
Don’t worry, I can handle it.

We all walked insid and Bernie announces that we’re moving.

I get in Amanda’s car to guide her to Bernie’s - a one room editing booth/stage/home/storefront,
covered wall to wall with strangeness.

Bernie starts blabbing to Amanda at a mile a minute while Andre, Alex, and I go to the other side of the room where there are stacks of video tapes, and somehow an idea enters one of our minds and we start chanting “Flashlight II! Flashlight II!” This poor woman, how dare I subject her to these people. Little does she know what we are demanding.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
Hidden away in the secret recesses of Bernie’s studio is a tape shown to few (or at least I assume few - who knows? Maybe Bernie shows it to everyone.). Bernie used to produce a TV show called Bernie’s Funhouse, so many strange acts do come his way, but none stranger than the buxom German woman who performed an act with a flashlight which Bernie happened to catch on video tape.

Bernie starts laughing from across the room, but Amanda runs to Michael in a frenzy, falls to her knees, and starts humping his ankle while blubbering...

AMANDA
Don’t you care? He’s going to do things to me. Kiss me, kiss me.

Everyone runs across the room in horror while Michael valiantly tries to pry her off his leg. Finally, she loosens her grip and he finds himself listening to Bernie.

BERNIE
Hey man, she’s crazy, she’ll do anything, forget the flashlight, get out the Sparkletts bottle. I’ve called up Bob and he’ll be able to get rid of her for me, but in the meantime I think you and Alex should pretend to be gay and quietly slip out.

Michael and Alex look at each other and sigh. They both take a deep breath - and each other’s hand.

MICHAEL
I’m going home with Alex.

I loudly declare, to Alex’s instant regret as Amanda screams

AMANDA
You’re not gay, are you?

and tries to cram her tongue down his throat. Bernie grabs her and locks her in the bathroom.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
Alex drove me home. I was undressed and in bed when the phone rang.

ALEX
Hi, it’s Alex. Are you up?

MICHAEL
Not quite.

ALEX
Well you better be because Bernie’s on his way over there with Amanda.

MICHAEL
Why? How do you know this? Where are you?

ALEX
I’m at Bernie’s. I came back to see what was going on.

MICHAEL
How could you do that? My only excuse for getting out of there was that I was leaving with you.

ALEX
Yeah, well she knows you’re not with me and she’s on her way over there.

MICHAEL
Thanks.

It’s four in the morning. A car pulls up and people get out. There’s a door slam and a loud conversation, another door slam, and a car pulling away. Silence. I get back in bed. The phone rings.

BERNIE
Hey man, it’s Bernie, you’re in deep shit.

MICHAEL
Yeah?

BERNIE
I took Amanda back to your place and Brooke came out of the garage. I figured that the only way to get rid of her was to say that Brooke was your fiancee and I split. Oh shit, there’s the door. (Silence) That was Amanda and Brooke, they’ve formed an unholy alliance against you, man. They’re on their way over to kill you. Get out. Get out.

MICHAEL
Wait a minute. Didn’t you bother trying to explain to her why my fiancee might be living in the garage?

BERNIE
I’m sure they’re working out the details now, just get out of there.

MICHAEL (V.O.)
The details. They’re working out the details. Amanda and Brooke are comparing notes. Brooke’s explaining that I once pulled a thorn out of her paw so she now lives in my garage. Amanda’s explaining why she wants to hump my ankles, though she doesn’t know where they’ve been. They’re both on their way to my place, past Brooke’s home in the garage, to kill me. Right.

Michael listens at his front door. He hears a car pull up. Michael quickly writes a note saying “Andre, I’m at Alex’s.” Michael hides in the bathroom. The phone rings.

ANDRE
Michael, it’s Andre, are you okay?

MICHAEL
I don’t know. I’m cowering naked in my own bathroom because I think there might be two crazy women outside who want to kill me.

ANDRE
Well, stay on the phone man, I want to know what happens.

MICHAEL
The bison are approaching, I can feel the cabin shake.

In a series of fast shots, the screen door opens, the doorbell rings, fists pound and pound on the door, until, finally they go away.

ANDRE
Michael?

MICHAEL
Yeah. Did you hear that? Tell me you heard the whole thing over the phone and that it wasn’t my imagination.

ANDRE
What’s happening?

MICHAEL
I think Amanda and Brooke are making mad passionate love to each other’s ankles in my garage.

ANDRE
Oh. Well, at least you’re okay. Goodnight.

MICHAEL
Goodnight.

The tornado has come and gone, and I have written it down. I can’t help thinking that you shouldn’t stick your dick in a meat grinder just because it’s got a hole in it. It’s little comfort. The phone rings. I roll over.