by Michael Dare
SOMEWHERE IN HOLLYWOOD.
EXT. TANTAMOUNT PICTURES - NIGHT
A CAT BURGLAR sneaks between sound stages till he reaches an old office building. He jimmies the lock and tiptoes inside. As the door closes we see the sign “Editing.”
He slides down a hallway till he reaches a door marked “The Devil’s Haircut.” Another lock picked and he slips inside.
He turns on a tiny flashlight that he holds in his teeth. In front of him is an editing bay.
On one wall, there are shelves full of rolls of film. He peruses the titles till he finds one called “The Devil’s Haircut - Final Edit.”
He unzips his coat and pulls out another roll of film. The label reads “Helicopter Crashes.”
He silently loads both films into the editing bay, and starts inserting shots of helicopter crashes into “The Devil’s Haircut,” which is apparently a drawing room drama ala “Long Day’s Journey Into Night.”
Suddenly, three superheroes in costume come bursting through the wall.
BURGLAR
What
the...
ALL
THREE
Hold
it right there!
The Burglar quickly tries to pretend like he belongs.
BURGLAR
Who
are you? Let me see your passes.
CAPTAIN
COPYRIGHT
We
are The Avant Guardians!
LIEUTENANT
RESIDUAL
Protectors
of artist’s rights everywhere.
MR.
OPPORTUNITY
We
don’t need no stinking passes.
BURGLAR
The
Avant who?
CAPTAIN
COPYRIGHT
I
am Captain Copyright. I have pledged my allegiance
to
the creator. Are you the creator of this film?
BURGLAR
Well,
that depends what you mean by creator.
I’m
one of the producers. I helped raise the money
to
make this piece of shit that no one will see.
LIEUTENANT
RESIDUAL
How
do you know no one will see it?
BURGLAR
Because
it doesn’t have any helicopter crashes,
you
moron. I’m just trying to get my investment back.
MR.
OPPORTUNITY
I
see. You believe that more people will go see
this
film if it contains more action sequences?
BURGLAR
You
got it.
The Guardians huddle to confer.
LIEUTENANT
RESIDUAL
He’s
got a point.
MR.
OPPORTUNITY
What
do we do?
CAPTAIN
COPYRIGHT
I
think this calls for a Christmas Carol maneuver.
They clap hands and break huddle.
ALL
THREE
Come
with us...to the future!
They take the Burglar and fly out the window.
EXT.
FLYING OVER THE CITY
In
a tacky process shot where you can see the strings holding them up, the
Avant Guardians fly the burglar around town. The background changes to
graphics of whatever they’re talking about.
CAPTAIN
COPYRIGHT
If
the film opens your way, it will get terrible reviews
and
bomb domestically, but you’ll make it back in foreign.
LIEUTENANT
RESIDUAL
If
you leave it the way it is, it will get great reviews,
bomb
domestically and foreign,
but
pick up some nice awards in festivals.
MR.
OPPORTUNITY
However,
since you treated the director so well,
he
will allow you to produce his next film,
which
will break $100 million.
They fly him back to the editing bay.
INT.
EDITING BAY
They
all fly back in.
BURGLAR
Gosh,
Avant Guardians. I’ve really learned my lesson.
From
now on, I’ll always give the director final cut.
The Guardians look at the camera.
CAPTAIN
COPYRIGHT
Wherever
someone’s artistic integrity
is
being violated...
LIEUTENANT
RESIDUAL
...we’ll
be there.
MR.
OPPORTUNITY
So
watch out!
They fly back out the hole in the wall.
TITLE: Come back next week for the further adventures of..
The Avant Guardians
