George W. Bush's Acceptance Speech on Truth Serum
by Michael Dare

Posted 12/15/2000

My fellow Americans, thank you for allowing me to be your President whether I won the election or not. If the past eight years have taught us anything, it's that the American people want a change. You want a president who doesn't like blowjobs. You want a President who can look a lady in the eye and say "Excuse me, ma'am, but would you please take my penis out of your mouth, for I do not like blowjobs."

That's me. I don't like blowjobs. I don't like anything other than missionary position sex with my wife, three times a night, sometimes four or five times on Saturdays and Sundays, and then looking back at the tape with the fellows later. I'm afraid that any more sex than that would be just too exhausting for me to fulfill my duties as a servant of the people.

I don't like marijuana either, which may have something to do with the fact that I smoked some marijuana the last time I got a blowjob. It was a bad experience. I've never known whether to blame the marijuana or the blowjob for the tragedy of that night, so I've just cut them both out entirely.

The same goes for cocaine. I don't like cocaine, at least not any more I don't. I used to be able to get as much cocaine as I wanted, but now that the Secret Service is watching everything I do and reporting back to daddy, it's just impractical. And why do they call them the "Secret" Service anyway? Everybody knows about 'em.

My daddy knows a lot. He ran the country for more than twelve years. I thought it was really smart of him to hire that actor as President while he ran the country. If you don't think he pulled a few strings to get me where I am today, you're just an ignorant hick who doesn't know his chad from a hole in the ground.

So I just want to say thank you daddy, and thanks in particular for leaving Saddam Hussein in power. I can't wait. This is going to be fun. We're going to totally fuck up the middle east so that everyone has to get their oil from us. Hoo boy, are we going to make a lot of money.

America, you can rest safe knowing that the people in control of the world are the same ones they've always been, no matter who is President or where his dick is. Hell, they don't let you be President unless you're one of them. Who are them? Wouldn't you like to know. That's my job, to act like it's me instead of them. Say, what was in that drink? Where are you taking me? Get me to the limo, I've got to fuck my wife.