Michael's Song
They can play in his park unafraid
Michael is not trying to get laid
And if they should chance to spend the
night
He'll respect their innocent delight
He can write a tune that's nice and lilty
You can never prove that he is guilty
He can make a plausible rebuttal
All he ever wants to do is cuddle
He has made a promise you can trust
The jury gave a verdict that was just
He will have to wait till they are men
He
won't sleep with little boys again
Michael swoons
with a bunch of hairy ass baboons
Michael shouts
Underneath his worries and his doubts
Michael laughs
with an ocelot and two giraffes
Michael hurls
at the thought of touching little girls
When he goes to court he always wins
He won't go to jail for his sins
In his brain there is a major glitch
He won't be another convict's bitch
When it comes to ten o'clock or more
Michael's gonna moon walk out the door
One hand clapping will be Michael's Zen
He won't sleep with little boys again
I
Am Not Guilty
(picture, oh, I don't know, Alanis Morrissette)
SOUND OF A TELETYPE: dit dit dit
dit dit dit
Announcer: Musical News - dateline,
Ft. Hood, Texas. A Judge declared a
mistrial in the case of Pfc. Lynndie England today, vacating her guilty
verdict. Here's what Ms. England had to say about it...
I may be guilty of being a soldier
and doing what I am told
I may be guilty of posing for pictures
and acting a little cold
I stuck up my thumbs and I smiled for
the camera
and looked like a really hot babe
But I am not guilty of torturing prisoners
in Baghdad at Abu Ghraib
Isn't it ironic
how I can act so cocky
and drink a gin and
tonic
beside a nude Iraqi
I am not guilty of following orders
I wasn't supposed to follow
I am not guilty of telling white lies
that everyone has to swallow
I am not guilty of shooting a president
nearly as honest as Abe
And I am not guilty of torturing prisoners
in Baghdad at Abu Ghraib
Isn't it ironic
how I can act so cocky
and smoke a lot of
chronic
beside a nude Iraqi
MUSICAL STING: "All the news that's fit
to sing."
I've
Been Pissing on the Koran
to the tune of I've Been Working on
the Railroad
I've been pissing on the Koran
All the livelong day
I've been pissing on the Koran
While in Guántánámo
Bay
Can't you see the privates leaking
On the sacred text
While the Muslims are all freaking
and wondering what is next.
Soldier won't you pee
Soldier won't you pee
Soldier won't you pee on Mohammed's words
Soldier won't you pee
Soldier won't you pee
Won't you follow up with turds?
Someone's in the jail with Akmed
Someone's in the jail I know-ow-ow-ow
Someone's in the jail with Akmed
Putting on a quid pro quo
while singin' fee fi piddly I o
Piddling everywhere I go-o-o-o
Fee fi piddly I Oh
Urinate with G.I. Joe
Pull
Out Your Tanks
(Download
the MP3)
Pull out your tanks
Thanks but no thanks
Just pull out your
tanks today
Life would be good
In our neighborhood
If you'd pull out
your tanks today
Nobody killed
Vacancy filled
Pull out your tanks
today
Don't make us groan
Leave us alone
Pull out your tanks
today
Me and my wife'll
Both put down a rifle
If you pull out your tanks today
You don't really need 'em
Just give us our freedom
And pull out your tanks today
War is a fraud
Here and abroad
Pull out your tanks
today
Justice deserved
Humanity served
If you pull out
your tanks today
Sunni and Kurd
Peace is preferred
Pull out your tanks
today
Solace is mine
In Palestine
If you pull out
your tanks today
Me and my wife'll
Both put down a rifle
If you pull out your tanks today
You don't really need 'em
Just give us our freedom
And pull out your tanks today
The
Ex-President Song
One ex-president wrote a book
One ex-president died
One ex-president told the truth
One ex-president lied
Two ex-presidents got impeached
Three ex-presidents wept
Four ex-presidents stayed awake
One ex-president slept
One plus two plus three ex-presidents
Rotten to the core
Four plus five plus six ex-presidents
Who could ask for more?
We could use one more ex-president
Just another Bush
One hard to ignore ex-president
Kick him in the tush
Taser
the Children
by Michael Dare
Don't be a miscreant
Don't be a fool
Don't pick up glass
And never skip school
Follow the rules
All will be fine
We
taser the children who get out of line
Never chastise them
Don't smack their
butts
Don't put electrical
wires on their nuts
Torture could be
misconstrued as benign
Just taser the children
who get out of line
Don't bother your
conscience
And don't drop the
flag
Don't save Private
Ryan
(We heard he's a
fag)
Contribute to civilization's
decline
And taser the children
who get out of line
Don't wait for President
Bush to resign
Just taser the children
who get out of line
We think delivering
pain is divine
We taser the children
who get out of line
We stick our thumbs
up and give the high sign
And taser the children
who get out of line
We loves our mad
cow and grind up our swine
And taser the children
who get out of line
We make a madhouse
and call it a shrine
We taser the children
who get out of line
We taser the children
We taser the children
We taser the children
who get out of line
God
Bless America (Iraqi version)
with apologies
to Irving Berlin and Kate Smith,
though you should
certainly picture Kate Smith singing it.
God bless America
Land I distrust
They'll destroy
us
Annoy us
Turn us all into
powdery dust
From your hot dogs
to your burgers
and your milkshakes
white with foam
God Bless America
The fast food king
God bless America
Of thee I sing
God bless America
all through the
day
I ignore it
I'm for it
Just as long as
it stays far away
From your A-bombs
and your drone planes
to your blowjobs
white with foam
God bless America
The place I fear
God bless America
Just watch your
rear
Hello
Mullah, Hello Fatwah
(To the tune of
Amilcare Ponchielli's "Dance Of The Hours" by way of Allan Sherman)
A London paper
got a letter
from Saddam, but you don't have to read it. It goes something like
this. Trust me.
Hello Mullah
Hello Fatwah
I still haven't
Gotten caughtwa
From the country
I am bolting
Now it's time for
all of you to start revolting
I am wearing
Silk pajama
On the beach here
With Osama
Frozen Mai Tai
With umbrella
Send the bill to
Mr. Bush who's quite a fella
Take me back
Oh Baathist party
Take me back
Don't be a smarty
I'll be nice
And I do swear that
from
your livers
I won't take a slice
Take me back
My dear Iraqi
Take me back
Don't act so cocky
You've been took
Without the statues
How will you remember
how I look?
Dearest Mullah
Darling Fatwah
How much misery
Have you gotwa?
Let me come home
If you miss me
I will even let
a bunch of Shi'ites diss me
Wait a minute
Sons are calling
Lots of torture
Hear that bawling
Billion dollars
Gee that's better
Mullah Fatwah kindly
disregard this letter
Rehab
Rockers
I am just a Backstreet
Boy with troubles of my own
When I'm with my
screaming fans I feel so alone
I get high consuming
anything that comes my way
That is why my publicist
is putting me away
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
Getting high on life and residual checks
When I was in Aerosmith
I smoked and drank all day
Oral sex from fans
is how I passed the time away
Smoking marijuana
drove me right out of my gourd
Now I'm in a hospital
named after Betty Ford
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
No more highs and lows for us
No more feast or famine
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
All we snort is nasal spray
And all we smoke is salmon
I'm a Stony Temple
Pilot with the emphasis on stony
I'm a vegetarian
who never eats bologny
I like driving round
the town in my beat up jalopy
Then jamming something
in my veins they're making from a poppy
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
We get high on anything and multiply like rabbits
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
Telling everybody how we gave up our bad habits
I am David Matthews
and my band's named after me
When you see Dave
Matthews I'm the one you're bound to see
If I weren't Dave
Matthews I don't know who I would be
This is why I am
so glad my band's named after me
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
No more hits of ecstasy or cases of Becks
Hey hey hey, we're the rehab rockers
Getting high on life and residual checks
Getting high on life and residual checks
Vote
for the Team that Busted Chong
Don't pay attention to your brain
Don't even notice we're insane
Don't ever smoke from a groovy bong
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
Don't let your conscience be your guide
Don't let 'em take you for a ride
Don't run around with your hair cut long
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
Don't give a guy a second break
Don't go and jump into a lake
Don't ever burst right into song
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
Don't ever argue
Don't ever think
Don't try to look for a missing link
Do what is right
Know what is wrong
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
Don't ever smoke from a groovy bong
Don't run around with your hair cut long
Don't ever burst right into song
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
Vote for the team that busted Chong!
The
Terrorist Anthem
I am just a terrorist
My cave is far from
cozy
I don't let it get
me down
My outlook is so
rosy
No matter what they
think of me
I know that I'm
the best
When I've got a
home-made bomb across my chest
I never got to vote
but I know if I did
I'd dimple my chad for Bush's kid
American elections leave little to doubt
Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out
Thank God it's not a liberal who's smoking me out
I really like to
suffer and so suffer I shall do
You can say I'm
crazy but I'm rubber and you're glue
You think you're
so great with all your entertaining scandals
I would like to
see you walk a mile in my sandals.
I never have fun
but I know if I did
I'd dimply my chad for Bush's kid
Give me a conservative instead of a red
Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head
Thank God it's not a liberal who shot me in the head
Ode
to The Group of 8
(to the tune of
Baby Face)
Group of 8
You are the cutest
little Group of 8
There are no others
who can rule the state
Group of 8
Your meeting in
Geneva
Made me a true believa
Group of 8
I'm up in heaven
when you all pontificate
When pushing came
to shove
I simply fell in
love
with the groovy
Group of 8
Prisoner
of War
Life is so exciting
when you're living in a cave
Sitting on a rock
is the excitement that I crave
Suddenly my life
is such an awful bloody bore
Now that I'm a prisoner
of war
Yeah, I guess they
feed us and the food is rather tasty
The sun is therapeutic.
My complexion was so pasty
Why not dig a tunnel?
Well, it's such an awful chore
Now that I'm a prisoner
of war
Everything they tell
you is so obviously phony
I know that bin
Laden doesn't eat much macaroni
I get a tribunal
that is rotten to the core
Now that I'm a prisoner
of war
I am an American.
I know of what I speak
Soon my lurid tale
will be a movie of the week
I will get residuals
until I'm 94
Now that I'm a prisoner
of war
Artificial
Pain
You said that you
would love me
In sickness and
in health
You said that you
were not concerned
with my enormous
wealth
I fell down right
in front of you
When I had my heart
attack
But since the doctors
let me go you will not take me back
Now I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
because my love won't repossess my favorite body part
They say it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
Darling I can't think of any better way to go
My cornea's transplanted
and my septum's made of plastic
My hair is someone
else's and my colon? It's elastic
I haven't got a
body part that I can call my own
Darling that's a
poor excuse for cheating with my clone
I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
because you haven't got the nerve to finish what you start
They say that it'll kill me if I let my feelings flow
Darling I can't think of any better way to go
I've got artificial pain in my artificial heart
Artificial pain in my artificial heart
The
Ballad of Chandra Levy
I'm in love with
Chandra Levy but our sex life is a mess
I haven't got a
notion of her number or address
There isn't anybody
who has got the slightest clue
Of what a lonely
senator should do
What a world of horrors
I cannot stand my life
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
The atmosphere is thicker
You could cut it with a knife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
I'm doing lots of
interviews on national TV
Explaining why I
can't explain what Chandra means to me
Her parents are
beginning to break down and go boo-hoo
Just like a lonely
senator should do
What a world of horrors
Full of orgasms and strife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
The misery is endless
I cannot stand my life
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
Ever since the day I had to go back to my wife
The
Ballad of Peter Bart
I am just an editor
of something called Variety
For which I'm rarely
called upon to show a little piety
I got a month suspension
for insensitive behavior
Now nobody in Hollywood
will treat me like a savior
He made remarks so racist that they proved his sad proclivity
Now he's going to classes to increase his sensitivity
He had a good position but he didn't want to give it, he
was going to some classes to increase his sensitivity
My B.O. wasn't socko
and my opening was soft
I needed lots of
rage to keep my ego so aloft
I nix the pix and
clicks the chicks that satisfy my readership
Until I feel like
being rude and make another Peter slip
I never will go golfing on a course that's rough and divotty
because I'm going to classes to increase my sensitivity
My underlying structure is all steel-like and rivotty
because I'm going to classes that increase my sensitivity
So no one will accuse me of aggression or passivity
I'm really going to classes to increase my sensitivity
The
Anchor
I loved you like
a building
Like a monument
in time
We had a strong
foundation
Yes, our words would
always rhyme
You gave me love
and comfort
And a cause to stand
and cheer
But now I know how
long it takes to go from love to fear
A hundred thousand questions
I don't know why people die
And why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
Why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
I wish I could erase
a certain image from my head
The world is full
of shadows where I do not want to tread
I've something to
feel thankful for
That's somewhat
hard to bare
Every day I stop
and just thank God I wasn't there
A hundred thousand questions
I don't know why people die
And why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
Why would anybody want to make Dan Rather cry?
Garth
Brook's Lament
My poodle ate my
crib sheets and my agent was away
I couldn't book
a flight to New York City on that day
I tried to take
a subway and I tried to take a car
I know they could
have used me because I am such a star
I should have been at Madison Square Garden
I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
I realize I shouldn't get excited
After all, I wasn't quite invited
I've got a lot in
common
With every fireman
hero
Their problems and
my single
are sticking to
ground zero
I sure could use
exposure
On national TV
Damn that Paul McCartney
I'll never let it
be
I should have been at Madison Square Garden
I wasn't so I'll have to beg your pardon
I realize I shouldn't get excited
After all, I wasn't quite invited
Democracy
and Democrats
I miss the days of
Monica Lewinsky
When Donna Rice
was sitting on a lap
Now with President
Butinsky
All I wanna do is
nap
I can picture it
so clearly
I can see it in
a glance
All the days I miss
so dearly
When the only missiles
getting off
were in somebody's
pants
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats are letting me down
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats have both left town
Everybody had a boner
You could see it
in a glance
In the days I miss
so dearly
When the only missiles
getting off
were in somebody's
pants
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats are getting me down
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats
Democracy and Democrats have both left town
I
Can't Tell the Difference
I'm the loneliest
Taliban ever there was
Every day I just
do what a Taliban does
Like I sit here
and read from the scriptures and then
I just sit here
and read from the scriptures again
I'm a loner, an accident waiting to happen.
A rebel. A poet. A man out of time.
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
You can be bold and courageous and find yourself
up to your elbows in camels and grime
When life is so strange that you can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
I hear them saying
they're going to sentence me
If not for treason
then something related
The rest of my life
I will spend in a prison
alone with my charges
so vastly inflated
I want a lifestyle where everything matters
between the ridiculous and the sublime
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
My life is a wreck. I feel so fictitious
A character out of a nursery rhyme
Cause life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
Once I was leading
the life of a terrorist
Studying radioactive
decay
Now I just sit on
a rock and do nothing
With all my friends
at Guantanamo Bay
I know I was bad and I know I was good
and I know my opinions are not worth a dime
But life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
Life is so strange that I can't tell the difference
between a religion and organized crime
Taking
the Fifth
Everything I ever
said and everything I did
Nobody who's anybody
knows where they are hid
Everything I ever
saw and everything I heard
Are hidden in a
bank where all my money was transferred
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
I don't have to tell
you anything that you may ask
Go ahead and ask
me, it's a reasonable task
Please don't be
surprised when you don't get a single answer
It's just another
day in the sweet life of a financer
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
Nobody can catch
me even though I'm pretty caught
I will get away
with it, these hearings are for naught
Money buys you anything
so what is there to say
I'm climbing in
my private jet, just watch me fly away
Taking the fifth
Taking the fifth
No one can stop me
I'm taking the fifth
If
I Had a Hundred Million
If I had a hundred
million
I would hide it
all from you
You would never
see a penny
I'd be living in
Peru
If I had accounting
problems
I would blame them
all on you
You won't find a
thing against me
In the files you
look through
It don't take no rocket science
You can't read it in a book
You can't have crisis of conscience
When you're born to be a crook
If I had a load of
horseshit
I would drop it
all on you
Hide behind the
5th amendment
Is precisely what
I'd do
If I had a second
mortgage
I would charge it
all to you
The economy's depending
On the people that
I screw
It don't take no rocket science
You can't read it in a book
You can't have crisis of conscience
When you're born to be a crook
The
Winter Olympics in Hell
They have got talent
You have to admire
Not everybody
Can slalom through
fire
Hot weather skating
takes plenty of
nerve
Those towers of
embers
can throw you a
curve
Happily luging between burning logs
Where the ogres and demons do dwell
At the Winter Olympics in Hell
Playing ice hockey on smoldering coals
can cause quite a terrible smell
At the Winter Olympics in Hell
Funny how everything
Looks like a pyre
When it's your hobby
To snowboard through
fire
Not everybody
can guzzle hot java
While watching a
Mormon
Ski jump over lava
Doing a skeleton covered in flames
is scarier than AOL
At the Winter Olympics in Hell
Speaking of judges who do what they're told
America did pretty well
At the Winter Olympics in hell
At the Winter Olympics in hell
Everyone's
a Suspect
They're looking over
here and then they're looking over there
They're searching
in the basement of the castle in the air
When they're tired
of looking they are going to look some more
With all the subtle
tactics of the diplomatic corps
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect too
Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue
They're looking under
this and then they're looking under that
They're expert at
pretending that they see a welcome mat
They will look behind
you when they see you leaving town
They all know that
looking up can seem like looking down
I'm a suspect
You're a suspect
He's a suspect too
Everyone's a suspect when they haven't got a clue
Even Albert Einstein wouldn't know just what to do
When everyone's a suspect and they haven't got a clue
Someone
Tell Me What to Do
Can Sheryl Crow?
Can Stevie Wonder?
Can you see the
storm before you hear the thunder?
Can J be Lo?
Can I be true?
Can someone tell
me what to do?
Does Iggy Pop?
What does Drew Carey?
Is sex okay before
you marry?
Should I say yes?
Should I say no?
What the hell is
apropos?
My mind is open to suggestion
Someone close has popped the question
You can't complain
You can't disparage
When Satan asks for your hand in marriage
Is John Gregory Dunne?
Does Penelope Cruz?
Have I really paid
my dues?
Did Sally Ride?
It's deja vu.
Can someone tell
me what to do?
Can I trust Beelzebub?
Will he beat me
with a club?
Whatever qualities
He may lack
I know he's hot
inside the sack.
My mind is open to suggestion
Someone close has popped the question
You can't complain
You can't disparage
When Satan asks for your hand in marriage
It's
an Honor Just to be Nominated
I'm not upset. I'm
not frustrated
It's an honor just
to be nominated
Forget all the rivals
I've dominated
It's an honor just
to be nominated
Kissing my ass isn't
overrated
It's an honor just
to be nominated
If I lose I'll have
to be strongly sedated
It's an honor just
to be nominated
Don't
Take Away My Porn
Gimme gifs of teenagers
with very little clothes
Gimme shots to download
and you'll lead me by the nose
I've seen people
doing things that I cannot believe
Getting in positions
quite indecent to conceive
Sodomites and fairy
sprites exposing genitalia
Nipple clamps and
leather make some fine paraphernalia
If you've got some
classics, well then go ahead and send some
Gimme guys and gals
exposing oversized pudendum
Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without any clothes
With celebrity faces they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
Gimme Mrs. Anderson
relaxing on a boat
Gimme anybody putting
something down their throat
Gimme porno stars
in films they shoot in a motel
Validate my ticket
for a one-way trip to hell
Gimme barnyard animals
dubbed in by Doris Day
Make 'em young and
gorgeous and you can't keep me away
No more legislation
that is so totalitarian
Let me see my porno
while I ogle the librarian
Porn ain't for kiddies, yes that much is true
If you're not a kiddy, who cares what you do
Acres of bodies without any clothes
With celebrity faces they superimpose
You can berate me
and heap me with scorn
but I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
I'm begging you Congress
Don't take away my porn
Put
That In Your Pipe Bomb and Smoke It
Blowing
up innocent people
Has
quickly become déclassé
Put
that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try
blowing your own face away.
Anonymous
vengeance is awful
No
matter what you have to say.
Put
that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try
blowing your own face away
How
did your friends use to call you?
Can
idiot come out and play?
Put
that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try
blowing your own face away.
You
can turn into an artwork
Your
brains can look like a Monet.
Put
that in your pipe bomb and smoke it.
Try
blowing your own face away
North
Alliance Girls
(to
the tune of, well, you figure it out)
The Taliban girls
are groovy though you cannot see a thing
I knew a girl from
Beirut who could really shake that thing.
Paki babes are packin',
they are better than the rest
I once saw an Arab
doll get something off her chest
But now I've got
a mama who is so much more than hot
And the way we are
invading I just know I'll get a shot
Her cave is clean,
the neighborhood surprisingly suburban
Nothing gets me
hotter than her taking off her turban
Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
She never contradicts
me when I tell her what to do
She loves me though
I've never told her that I am a Jew
Some day I'll be
married to my new Afghani jewel
Hoping that our
forces never make it to Kabul
Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
Wish they all could be North Alliance Girls
You
Give In To Me
Do I love you because
you're sentenced to eternal damnation
Or are you sentenced
to eternal damnation because I love you?
Do you love me because
I drive you crazy
Or are you crazy
because you love me?
You give in to gravity
I give in to levity
You give in to sanity
You give in to me
Do I love you because
of the trident in your ass
Or is there a trident
in your ass because I love you?
Do you love me because
you're insatiable
Or are you insatiable
because you love me?
You give in to gravity
I give in to levity
You give in to sanity
You give in to me
You give in to me
You give in to me
Genetic
Fingerprints
I've got lots of
energy
Though some of it's
kinetic
I've got lots of
love for you
And all of it's
genetic
We were testing anthrax
spores
The moon outside
was full
That's the night
my sweater
was no longer virgin
wool
You are so meticulous
You never make an
error
Together we can
do it
We can rid the world
of terror
I know you're a devil
There's no one to convince
Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
You're the one I treasure
I'll never run away
Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
Hey, is that a genome
that I spy upon
your lips?
These feelings are
as frequent
as an annular eclipse
You gave to me your
secret code
that opens every
lock
You wound up the
mainspring
in my biological
clock
Soon there'll be
a little one
You should not be
surprised
Unlike army anthrax
I was never sterilized
I will show my love to you
with words I cannot mince
Since I fell in love with your genetic fingerprints
My love for you is virulent
It will not go away
Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
Since I saw your patterns of repeating DNA
Keep
it All for Me
I don't care about
your problems
You can keep them
on the shelf
It's a shame that
you've got nothing
When I've got so
much myself
I will only use the
Caymans
To a reasonable
degree
You can't touch
my frozen assets
I will keep it all
for me.
Keep it all for me, boys
Keep it all for me
Everyone can go to hell
Keep it all for me
Blame it on insider
trading
I know so much more
than you
You can pig out
at McDonalds
I'll eat chicken
cordon bleu
If you've got a hundred
million
You need several
million more
If you keep the
bottom line
As your only paramour
Keep it all for me, boys
Keep it all for me
Everyone can go to hell
Keep it all for me
He's
Evil
(Special note.
When you read a HUH? that's not a schoolboy HUH? that's more of a James
Brown HUH?)
He's doing lots of
things of which I do not approve
I do not think that
he can tell his ass from the Louvre
There are so very
many ways he's rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV
show I'd be hitting the gong
He's always doing
this and then he's always doing that
It's no surprise
that somebody is smelling a rat
Everything he does
is all so obviously fake
He knows when you
are sleeping and he knows when you're awake
I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
I know what he is. HUH?
HUH?
He goes around the
world. His schedule is money
He says that he
appreciates that oil isn't funny
He thinks that he
is Truman but his wife's name isn't Bess
He doesn't know
the answer but he'll gladly make a guess
He's hiding over
here and then he's hiding over there
He's trying to impress
us with his personal flair
Everything about
him is rubbing me wrong
If this were a TV
show I'd be hitting the gong
I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
I know what he is. HUH?
HUH?
Once I saw his sister
Eat a boll weevil
He's evil.
HUH? Let me hear it now.
Once I saw his sister
Eat a boll weevil
He's evil.
HUH? Let me hear it now
Was it the engine?
Was it the tail?
Was it a stewardess
filing a nail?
Was it the captain?
Was it a bomb?
Was it an Arab with
lots of aplomb?
Was it the TV?
Was it for real?
Was it a sub-plot
on Ally McBeal?
Was it a stranger?
Someone I knew?
Or was it something
that's hidden from view?
I know what he is. HUH? I wanna hear it now.
I know what he is. HUH? It's time to have a cow
I know what he is. HUH? You gotta shout it now
I know what he is. HUH?
HUH?
Once I saw his sister
Eat a boll weevil
He's evil.
HUH? Let me hear it now
Once I saw his sister
Eat a boll weevil
He's evil.
HUH? Let me hear it now
Everybody's
Problem
You won't see Albert
Finney in
a crisis Argentinean
You won't see Mata
Hari in
a crisis Kandaharian
Don't miss Rosemary's
baby in
a crisis that's
Arabian
It's nice to see
Bo Derek in
a crisis that's
American
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
I saw Allison Janney
in
a crisis Panamanian
Was that somebody
groovy in
a crisis that's
Peruvian?
Be sure to catch
Greg Brady in
a crisis that's
al-Qaidian
There's no one anorexic
in
a crisis that is
Mexican
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
There go Mork and
Mindy in
a crisis that is
Indian
There's Abbott and
Costello in
a crisis that is
mellowin'
You won't see Mo
and Manny in
a crisis Pakistanian
but Mickey misses
Minnie in
a crisis Palestinian
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
I know I caught Pearl
Bailey in
a crisis that's
Australian
There's not a single
person in
a crisis that is
worsenin'
You're sure to see
a Bee Gee in
a crisis that's
Norwegian
I want to smack
your fanny in
a crisis Talibanian
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
Everything in the world
Is everybody's problem
I
Like Being Senile (The Pope's Song)
I like
being senile
I
don't have to think
I
can barely get around
Please
pass me a drink
I like
being senile
I
can say it twice
I
can read from some old book
When
priests ask for advice
I'm the pope
I'm the pope
There's no doubt about it
I'm the Pope
I'm the Pope
I am on Dilaudid
I like
wearing dresses
And
what do you suppose?
When
no one is looking
I
wear crotchless pantyhose
I like
being senile
I've
got lots of class
Just
don't catch me farting
When
celebrating Mass
I'm the pope
I'm the pope
Let me hear you shout it
I'm the Pope
I'm the Pope
I am on Dilaudid
Johnny
Walker
Johnny Walker
What a talker
He's a guy with
tales to tell
If you spy him
Do not try him
Lock him in a tiny
cell
Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Johnny Walker
He's a rocker
He is rotten to
the core
If you see him
Do not free him
We know who he's
working for
Ooh, aah, Jalalabad
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Mullah Ullah Tora Bora Taliban
Ramalama ding dong Ramadan
Artificial
Face
or
Mark Tatum's
Lament
Artificial nose
Artificial chin
No one knows exactly
where I actually begin
Artificial eyes
Artificial cheeks
Like the kind you
see in plastic surgical boutiques.
Artificial nostrils
Artificial nose
Artificial sinuses
from radiator hose
Artificial forehead
Artificial ears
A temporary membership
in Disney's Mouseketeers
Artificial face
Artificial face
No one gives a damn about my artificial face.
(Repeat louder)
Artificial mind
Artificial soul
Artificial music
that's in espanol
Artificial me
Artificial you
Artificial answer
from an artificial clue
Artificial leverage
Artificial love
Artificial everything
I'm undeserving of
Artificial angel
Artificial beast
Artificial contracts
that can never be released
Artificial face
Artificial face
No one gives a damn about my artificial face.
(Repeat louder)
(and louder)
(and louder)
The
Human Shields
We've got certain
values, our convictions can't be beat
We don't need new
socks because we haven't got cold feet
Somebody is doing
something with the balls you lack
Cancel our appointments,
we don't know when we'll be back
We don't make excuses when we're in a state of shock
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
We think the entire war on terror is a crock
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
Please don't drop
your bombs on us, consider us your friends
We don't eat our
young like Martha Stewart recommends
We forgot to bring
an extra carton of Depends
Isn't there another
way that you can make amends?
We are Sam and Harry, you won't find a single Jacque
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
We think the entire war on terror is a crock
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
We called the baby-sitter,
locked the door and set alarms
Gave away our livelihoods,
got drunk and sold our farms
We packed up our
galoshes, we've got vaccinated arms
We don't think a
nucleated winter has its charms
It's too bad that W has got a mental block
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
We think the entire war on terror is a crock
The Human Shields are going to Iraq
The
Anti-Taliban in Tora Bora
No one really has
to be afraid-a
A terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
As long as we cannot
get any more-a
The anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
Everybody really
likes to hate a
Terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
But nobody is going
to ignore a
Anti-Taliban from
Tora Bora
No one really cares
about the fate-a
a terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
But never have I
seen a bigger shnora
On the anti-Taliban
in Tora Bora
Instead of VHS he
bought a beta
The terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
but nobody knows
how to dance the hora
In the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
Even Courtney Love
will never date-a
terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
But everybody voted
for Al Gore-a
In the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
The U.S.A. has never
really paid-a
Terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
But nobody went
Tora Tora Tora
in the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
A twenty-dollar hooker
never ate-a
Terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
But everybody's
tushy's getting sore-a
in the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
No one ever has to
be afraid -a
the terrorist Afghani
from al-Qaeda
Everybody's tired
of the war - a
gainst the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
Everybody's tired
of the war - a
gainst the anti-Taliban
from Tora Bora
Molecules
If you're looking
for a proton
It's the water that
you float on
The notebook that
you wrote on
And if you put your
coat on
You're sure to find
a proton
Before your very
nose
Never go anywhere without your molecules
That's what I sincerely recommend
Never go anywhere without your molecules
A molecule can be your closest friend
If you want an electron
It's the dial you
select on
The street you intersect
on
The paper you correct
on
The mirror you reflect
on
and the frame in
which it goes
Never go anywhere without your molecules
And celebrate the fact that they abound
Never go anywhere without your molecules
Life would be a mess without your molecules around
So you're looking
for a neutron
If you got your
bathing suit on
Just ask Sir Isaac
Newton
Sleeping on a futon
If he has got a
neutron
Hidden in his clothes
Never go anywhere without your molecules
Never go anywhere without your molecules
War
on Terror
(to the tune
of Frere Jacques)
War on terror
War on terror
How's by you?
How's by you?
How's by you Osama?
Did you have a trauma?
Hope it's true
Hope it's true
War on terror
War on terror
So what's new?
So what's new?
Feeling sort of
bomby?
Wanna call your
mommy?
Oh boo hoo
Oh boo hoo
War on terror
War on terror
Feeling blue?
Join the queue
Palestine bombed
daily
Soon will be Israeli
Quite a coup
Quite a coup
(Sing as a round
till you puke)
Forgive
Me Father for You Have Sinned
Forgive me Father
for you have sinned
That is why I'm
so chagrined
You acted holier
than thou
All pompousy and
piousy
While doing things
so very bad
Inside of the Archdiocese
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
Forgive me father
for you have sinned
The answer is more
than blowing in the wind
I was praying on
my knees
Like I'm supposed
to do
If memory serves
correctly
I was even blowing
you
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
Forgive me Father
for you have sinned
Especially on the
day you had me pinned
Now I'm schizophrenic
I want to wring
your neck
I know I will go
to hell
while you just go
to heck
You left behind a legacy of many human wrecks
We offered up our innocence and got repaid with sex
I
Ain't Pulling Out
I am
an Israeli with my tank in someone's yard
Knocking
down a building, well, it always gets me hard
Shooting
Palestinians and bodies in a trough
These
are just a few of all the things that get me off
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out no more
You gotta let me finish
C'mon, you know the score
I ain't pulling out no more
You
can send observers from American Red Cross
We
still gotta show that Mr. Arafat who's boss
We
will leave the refugee camp fiery and divoty
They
can't even hide inside the Church of the Nativity
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out
I ain't pulling out no more
You gotta let me finish
C'mon, you know the score
I ain't pulling out no more
Five
Taliban Sitting in a Row
Five Taliban
Sitting in a row
Five Taliban in
a row
U.S Special Forces
blow one away
Four Taliban
Sitting in a row
Four Taliban
hiding in a cave
Four Taliban in
a cave
U.S. Special Forces
blow one away
Three Taliban
hiding in a cave.
(Continue till we
win the war on terrorism)
I
Am the President
I am the President
Isn't that great?
Giving the liberals
someone to hate
I am the President
That's who I be
When you look at
the President
You're looking at
me
I know he shot
those Kennedy's twice
But now it's my turn
To give Castro advice
Do what I say and not what I do
Count every vote and don't have a coup
I'm not a governor
That's what I was
How did I get here?
Let's just say because
I am the President
Drown me with cheers
There's so much
to fuck up
In only four years
I know I'm just
Playing with dice
But now it's my turn
to give Putin advice
Do what I say and not what I do
Count every vote and don't have a coup
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Who lives in a prostitute
under a bridge?
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Who'll do it for
change that fell under the fridge?
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Repulsive and horny
and smelly is she
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
You can get off
by just watching her pee
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Who gives you the
clap for a buck ninety-eight?
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Who'll take all
your semen but won't procreate
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Contraceptivesponge
Hotpants
Contraceptivespo-o-o-o-nge
Hotpants!
The
Fuse is Getting Shorter
(A tribute to OJ)
I love you yes I
love you and you know damn well its true
And if you don't
believe me I will beat you black and blue
I see you with your
family
I do not feel a
part
You tell me we are
finished
That isn't really
smart
I want to start all
over but relationships are hairy
And Paula Barbieri?
Well I just cant
afford her
The fuse is getting
shorter
The fuse is getting
shorter
I love you yes I
love you and I will forever more
and if you don't
believe me I will boot you out the door
I'm coming to conclusions
that I don't really
want
There's only one
escape
from all those memories
that haunt
I only want to call
you but my fingers feel like play dough
I gave my change
to Kato
Say, can I bum a
quarter?
The fuse is getting
shorter
The fuse is getting
shorter
I love you yes I
love you and I will until the end
and if you don't
believe me you will need some time to mend
I'm gonna pay a
visit
to your condo by
the sea
I'm gonna introduce
you to
the real real me
I'm stronger than
a bison but I don't want to brag
The knife is in
the bag
I'm starting to
walk toward her
The fuse is getting
shorter
The fuse is getting
shorter
I love you yes I
love you but I gotta change my clothes
My schedule is off
cause an emergency arose
I'm gonna pay a
visit
to Chicago , that's
no lie
I'm gonna have to
come up with
a perfect alibi
I try to play it
straight but someone always stacks the decks
Arrive at LAX
Give my golf clubs
to the porter
The fuse is getting
shorter
The fuse is getting
shorter
I love you yes I
love you though I cannot tell you why
And now I start
to wonder just who was that other guy?
Did he deserve a
funeral?
Did you leave me
for him?
I really didn't
have a choice
Just blame it on
a whim
I'm in the back seat
crying on the freeway headed south
The gun is in my
mouth
I'm headed to the
border
The fuse is getting
shorter
The fuse is getting
shorter
Musical
News
