"The Truth is What We Say It Is!"

ISSUE #1


Bye-Bye Free Music

    Since the broadcast of a song over a commercial radio station has proven promotional value, radio stations only have to pay a flat fee to BMI and ASCAP and grand total of absolutely nothing in performance royalties to the record companies or artists. That's zero cents. Anybody who wants to can legally tape any song off the radio without paying royalties either, as long as it's only for their personal use. Hello free music and thousands of personal cassettes.

    Radio stations who broadcast radio over the Internet have always assumed the same rule would apply the Internet, where anybody who wants to can legally save any song played on the Internet without paying royalties. Hello overloaded hard drives and personal MP3 players.

    Then came a triple whammy. 

    Strike one: The Supreme Court of the United States, in a knee jerk reaction to Napster, declared that "computers are not recording devices," so traditional "fair use" in copyright law didn't apply.

    Strike two: The Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), states that the Librarian of Congress is required to set royalty rates for Web radio stations by May 21. 

    Strike three: The Copyright office put together the Copyright Royalty Arbitration Panel (CARP), who recently recommended that all broadcast radio stations who simulcast on the web should now pay recording companies a rate of 7/100ths of a cent per listener per song, while webcasters who DON'T also broadcast have to pay double that.

    Doesn't sound like much unless you consider that a) there is no rational explanation for why anyone should pay more for listening to their free music through an electronic device called a computer instead of an electronic devise called a radio, b) this brand new expense will double the operating cost of most Internet Radio providers, who constructed their business models around the "broadcast" template. Many will go out of business, and c) in the great tradition of reverse capitalism, they penalize you for being popular.

    It's arithmetic from hell. If this goes through, radio's the next logical step. Radios in cars will be replaced by satellite feeds where you pay for the service. Bye-bye free music unless you drive a classic.


 
BELIEVE IT OR ELSE

Mailbox Pipebombs Without Enough Postage Found in Arkansas

"We don't understand how they got through," said U.S. Postal Inspector Linda Jensen. "These packages obviously should have been returned for insufficient postage. This is really a disgrace."

"The individual or individuals responsible for this are just looking for attention," said Weysan Dun of the FBI. "We're not going let them get it," he declared on national television. 

United States Decides French Election

The United States secretly aided incumbent Jacques Chirac to his victory in this week's elections in France. "We made sure that right-wing bastard Jean-Marie Le Pen got the least votes," said U.S. President George W. Bush, "unless the guy with the least votes got to be president, in which case we made sure Jean-Marie Le Pen got the most votes."

Jesus Christ Sides with Palestinians at Church of the Nativity 

"Those yokels think I was born here," said reborn Christian Jesus Christ about the Jewish zealots surrounding the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. "I wasn't. It's just a cool place to hang." Surrounded by Palestinians seeking refuge in the faux-holy site, Mr. Christ insisted that though he wasn't born there, it looked like he was going to die there at the hands of Jews. Again.

President Makes Fashion Faux-Pas

In honor of Cinco de Mayo, President Bush came out in favor of Mexican-American ties this week, even though Mexicans don't wear ties.

Internet Search Engine "Google" is Unpatriotic

Look up "farce" in Google and you get a site about the American political system.

Muslims Fuck Dead Virgins

Those virgins they get after they die? They're dead you know. If women didn't die as virgins, there would be none to greet Muslims. Please join me in my crusade to prevent Muslims from getting virgins in paradise. Get laid before you die. 

Queen Performs for Queen

Sir Elton John became the very first pop star to perform inside Buckingham Palace.

Spiderman Has No Penis

Do spiders have penises? 'Nuff said.

Incompetent Terrorists

That plane that crashed in Nigeria missed Gene Shalit by 10,000 miles.
 

Caption Contest

- Bill Clinton -

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