ISSUE #1
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Mailbox Pipebombs Without Enough Postage Found in Arkansas "We don't understand how they got through," said U.S. Postal Inspector Linda Jensen. "These packages obviously should have been returned for insufficient postage. This is really a disgrace." "The individual or individuals responsible for this are just looking for attention," said Weysan Dun of the FBI. "We're not going let them get it," he declared on national television. United States Decides French Election The United States secretly aided incumbent Jacques Chirac to his victory in this week's elections in France. "We made sure that right-wing bastard Jean-Marie Le Pen got the least votes," said U.S. President George W. Bush, "unless the guy with the least votes got to be president, in which case we made sure Jean-Marie Le Pen got the most votes." Jesus Christ Sides with Palestinians at Church of the Nativity "Those yokels think I was born here," said reborn Christian Jesus Christ about the Jewish zealots surrounding the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem. "I wasn't. It's just a cool place to hang." Surrounded by Palestinians seeking refuge in the faux-holy site, Mr. Christ insisted that though he wasn't born there, it looked like he was going to die there at the hands of Jews. Again. President Makes Fashion Faux-Pas In honor of Cinco de Mayo, President Bush came out in favor of Mexican-American ties this week, even though Mexicans don't wear ties. Internet Search Engine "Google" is Unpatriotic Look up "farce" in Google and you get a site about the American political system. Muslims Fuck Dead Virgins Those virgins they get after they die? They're dead you know. If women didn't die as virgins, there would be none to greet Muslims. Please join me in my crusade to prevent Muslims from getting virgins in paradise. Get laid before you die. Queen Performs for Queen Sir Elton John became the very first pop star to perform inside Buckingham Palace. Spiderman Has No Penis Do spiders have penises? 'Nuff said. Incompetent Terrorists That plane that
crashed in Nigeria missed Gene Shalit by 10,000 miles.
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Caption Contest
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