Everything Goes into Public Domain After 24 Hours

In a landmark decision over copyright law, the Supreme Court of the United States decided that "All intellectual property goes into the public domain 24 hours after its original release."

"We figure that's about how long you can control your product before someone's already giving it away on the Internet," said Chief Supreme Court Justice William H. Rehnquist. "Copyrights used to cover 30 years. Now you're lucky if they cover 30 seconds. Past a certain point, everything already becomes common property. We're just moving that point." 

"Webcasting a major film over the net is so simple even George W. Bush could figure out how to do it," quipped Senate Majority leader Trent Lott. "There's no way to stop it," he said. "Let's just go with the flow." It was a sentiment echoed by the Dalai Lama.

"Eventually everything's free but the physical," piped in the plucky Tibetan, "and I'm glad to see America admit it."

"I don't spend my money on free music so I'm not interested," said Justice Ruth "Batty" Ginsberg in the lone dissenting vote.

"I spent many years laboring in America's intellectual property mines," insisted Canadian exile Wanda Layme who fought for the bill. "I say if you want the official VHS of 'The Little Mermaid' to keep on your shelf for the kids to grab, go right ahead. No one's stopping you. But if you just want to watch it one time only on your computer screen, let it be free."

"Hey, man," said Justice Clarence Thomas while ogling Wanda. "Don't go away. Sit your pretty self down here. I agree with you. If nothing has traded hands other than a progression of electrons, dig it, it's free."

"Everyone's just got to used to it," squealed Wanda.

"That's right, baby. You got it. Past 24 hours, there is no such thing as intellectual property."

"Oooh."

ASCAP and BMI issued a blanket statement: "It's intellectual Communism, that's what it is. Our parents died in the war for this? Why don't they just move to Russia."

Finally, the Dalai Lama, whom we thought had left, came back and told us that "Everything is everybody's. Get used to it, that's all. You can get used to anything. It's actually pretty cool."

Apology from Hell

Several readers wrote to contradict my statement last week that broadcast radio stations didn't pay royalties. "What are those checks radio stations send to ASCAP and BMI?" they shrieked.

At CNN.COM, they say "Traditional radio stations pay no performance royalties for music played on air because they have proven promotional value," which is techniInfinitely better than Issue #1 but not nearly as good as Issue #3.cally true as far as individual songs are concerned. BMI or ASCAP grant blanket licenses to stations allowing them to play whatever they want without worry. Then BMI and ASCAP, not the radio stations, pay the artists the actual royalties based upon their own monitoring systems. But there are no blanket licenses for webcasters, who it now appears will have to pay licensing fees for individual hits on individual songs. It's sort of like saying renters don't pay mortgages. There's a middleman. Renters pay owners who pay the mortgages.
 

"Disinfotainment Today" is merging with "Who's Going to Hell This Week?" Editor Michael Dare and writer Helen A. Handbasket couldn't decide whether to call the new publication "Who's Going to Disinfotainment Today This Week" or "Crap." After batting it out for hours, they ended up in bed together where, after a couple cigarettes, they decided they both worked for the same boss so what the hell difference did it make.

That was one of last week's headlines and is entirely inappropriate this week. The editor apologizes and promises no more unwanted interruptions from old material.

Child Pornography on the Internet is still officially legal.

The United Nations Security Council voted to reform sanctions against Iraq to release more humanitarian aid.

"The streets in those Palestinian refugee camps were just too narrow," said Ariel Sharon in an official statement. "Now they're just right."

Don't tell her I told you this but Helen's been in somewhat of a rut lately, you know what I mean? I finally had to lay down the law, that I was the publisher, she was the columnist, and if I wanted to include her column as one of many columns, well, that's the way it was going to be. She was furious at first but I wore her down. I'm quite sure that by the time we settle this, you'll find Helen's column somewhat further down the page instead of in a separate e-mail. If not, well, tell my mother I love her and watch out for Andre.
 

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

He made my picture smaller, didn't he? And he cut out my bio. That bastard. I'm lucky he left that animated gif of the blood dripping down. This is never going to work out. You see what I mean? Men. They always have to have the last word. We'll just see about that. 

May 13, 2002

5.  Yasser Arafat publicly stated that he accepts the existence of a Jewish state called Israel. He also stated that he accepts the existence of a chocolate bar called Hersheys and a cholesterol enhancer called McDonalds.

4.  Former Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and the Israeli Likud party's central committee publicly stated that they refuse to accept the existence of an Arab state called Palestine. They also stated that they refuse to acknowledge the existence of a rodent called hedgehog and a cholesterol enhancer called bacon.

3. Fidel Castro welcomed Jimmy Carter to Cuba but they still won't cancel "Friends."

2. Britney Spears was caught smoking a cigarette after a threesome with Jack Nicholson and Russell Crowe. Naughty naughty. Britney, those things will kill you.

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. ABC has cancelled "Politically Incorrect," vastly decreasing host Bill Maher's chances of nailing me.

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

The $190 million farm bill divided by the new price of Sony's Playstation 2 plus everyone over 50 with HIV minus every Israeli living in the West Bank equals Cuba's $125 million per year biotech industry divided by the new price of Microsoft's Xbox plus every lesbian who attended the 1st New York Film Festival minus every Palestinian living in Tel Aviv.

CARTOON FROM HELL

TOURS FROM HELL

Jimmy Carter is touring Cuba, treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is touring Africa with U2's Bono, and first lady Laura (Batty) Bush is touring Europe with her daughter Jenna. Tickets are going fast.

RENT CONTROL FROM HELL

Apartments in Kabul are going for $6,000 a month.

RUMMAGE SALE FROM HELL

The U.S. and Russia have agreed to cut their nuclear arsenals from current levels of 6,000 to 7,000 warheads to about 1,700 to 2,200 warheads with no monitoring system whatsoever.

ART FROM HELL

General Colin Powell admitted that the opening bombing campaign against Afghanistan was in the shape of a smiley face.

DEFENSE FROM HELL

Defense attorneys said Monday that American-born Taliban fighter John Walker couldn't have possibly fired on American soldiers because he left his gun behind in the restaurant.

FIREWORKS FROM HELL

This 4th of July, al-Qaeda has targeted U.S. nuclear power plants.

HEADLINE FROM HELL

"ARAFAT FEARS FOR HIS OWN SAFETY IN JENIN GARAFALO"

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

BACK WHEN IT WAS LEGAL

QUOTES FROM HELL

"One of the things we must do in this world, is laugh. In Hell there will be nothing to laugh about, and in Heaven it just won't be proper."
- Joannah Olson -

"Our patience will achieve more than our force."
- Edmund Burke -

"Unhappy the land that is in need of heroes."
- Bertolt Brecht -

"If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear."
- George Orwell -

"The greatest thing that would happen in the state and the nation is when we get rid of the media. Then we would live in peace and tranquility and no one would know anything."
- Sir Joh Bjelke-Petersen -

"The greatest book is not the one whose message engraves itself on the brain - but the one whose vital impact opens up other viewpoints, and from writer to reader spreads the fire that is fed by the various essences, until it becomes a vast conflagration leaping from forest to forest." 
- Romain Rolland -

"One must shock the bourgeois."
- Charles Baudelaire -

"She can no longer make you change your mind, so she's making you suffer."
- Jessica Anderson -

"A truth that's told with bad intent 
Beats all the lies you can invent."
- William Blake -

"Journalists say a thing that they know isn't true, in the hope that if they keep on saying it long enough it will be true."
- Arnold Bennett -

"I do not mind lying, but I hate inaccuracy."
- Samuel Butler -

"The dubious privilege of a freelance writer is he's given the freedom to starve anywhere."
- S.J. Perelman -

BLANK SPACE FROM HELL
 

ANOTHER BLANK SPACE FROM HELL
 

QUIZ FROM HELL

What's with the blank spaces? 

a) 
b) 
c)

ALBUM COVER FROM HELL

"Oh please, not another caption contest."

CHILDREN'S SONG FROM HELL

 
Five Taliban 

Five Taliban 
Sitting in a row
Five Taliban in a row
U.S Special Forces blow one away
Four Taliban 
Sitting in a row

Four Taliban 
hiding in a cave
Four Taliban in a cave
U.S. Special Forces blow one away
Three Taliban 
hiding in a cave.

(Continue till we win the war on terrorism)

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Archeologists found a map in Bakshir that's 120 million years old. That's a MAP. That's 120 million years. Older than mankind. Go ahead, explain this. 

If you think what they sell on e-Bay is crap, you should see what they sell here.

In July of 2001, the FBI received a recommendation from its Phoenix field office that U.S. aviation schools should be canvassed for Middle Eastern men seeking flight training. One guess how they dealt with that particular recommendation.

I know what you need. You need hundreds of free demos of the latest computer games.

Sick of free AOL CDs? Here's something interesting to do with them.

WARNING: Do not go here unless you just dropped acid.

Don't be surprised if someone on the Internet has spoken your name.

I absolutely defy anybody to come up with something funny about this.

REMINDER FROM HELL

O.J.'s having the time of his life.

PUZZLE FROM HELL

PICK THE ALIEN