THE HISTORY OF DENIALS

"Had I known that the enemy was going to use airplanes to kill on that fateful morning, I would have done everything in my power to protect the American people."
- George W. Bush -

"If I had known that the Titanic was going to hit an iceberg, I would have done everything in my power to protect the passengers."
- King Edward VII -

"If I had known Rome was burning down, I never would have played my fiddle."
- Nero -

"If I had known they were going to get caught, I never would have authorized the break-in at the Watergate."
- Richard Nixon -

"If I had known we were going to lose the war, I never would have annexed the Sudatenland."
- Adolf Hitler -

"If I had known I was going to turn senile while still in office, I never would have run for a second term."
- Ronald Reagan -
 

At a press conference in front of the White House, Vice President Dick Cheney revealed that according to the latest al-Qaeda intelligence information, "a group of Harvard graduates will be hijacking a 747 and crashing it into Kathy Griffin." He then went on explain that the government would be doing nothing within its powers to prevent the attack.

This organization gathers genetic material from silent film stars like Greta Garbo, Clara Bow, and Louise Brooks in order to resurrect them.

With the success of the M*A*S*H reunion, the Cosby reunion, and the Laverne and Shirley reunion, a Flintstones a reunion was in the works but Fred and Barney refuse to appear together, Wilma's too far gone with Parkinson's disease, Betty was killed in the Pentagon crash, and Pebbles and Bam-Bam are both in rehab.

George Bush asked Fidel Castro to hold free and open elections in Cuba.

Great Britain wants to lift the ban on whaling.

In the wake of the current scandal, thousands of Catholic priests are now masturbating wildly in the confessionals.
 

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

At least I'm back to regular size, not like some people I know. This is the week that President Bush actually admitted that he didn't know shit. Too bad he's lying. 

May 20, 2002

5.  Condoleezza Rice said she opposes a public inquiry into the intelligence failures leading to the events of 9/11 unless they can get Gerald Ford to repeat the fine work he did on the Warren Commission.

4.  Thank God that Pakistani police found the body of Daniel Pearl or Britney Spears would have never reunited with Justin Timberlake.

3. The house passed the GOP Welfare bill which finally allows single mothers to go to work if they kill their children and eat them.

2. "The last episode of Ally McBeal made me cry," said Adolf Hitler from the 3rd level of hell. "But what was with the season finale of The Practice? I think David E. Kelly has got untreated bi-polar disorder."

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Microsoft plugged a critical IE hole today. "I didn't know they were into that sort of thing," said Elton John. "If they'd let me know, I would have helped."

POSTMARK FROM HELL

ANALOGY FROM HELL

    Imagine if there were some sort of food version of Napster that worked with your microwave instead of your computer. Let's call it Foodster. Turn on your microwave and Foodster supplies a list of absolutely every item on every menu in every restaurant on earth. Click on any item and ZAP, Foodster brings it right into your microwave, ready to consume.
    Sound good? Wouldn't you want Foodster? Wouldn't it get you trying dishes from far off places, things you'd never tasted before, making you want to visit those places? Wouldn't small time coffeeshops welcome the publicity if any of their dishes became popular? Wouldn't this microwave be the greatest culinary gift to mankind since the invention of fire, not only making every meal an adventure but, just as a side benefit, solving world hunger, guaranteeing that no one on earth need ever go hungry again? Wouldn't you use the damn thing, even if it were free? ESPECIALLY if it were free?
    And wouldn't you be pissed off if stove and refrigerator manufacturers fearing diminished sales, plus a small contingent of rich chefs from corporate restaurants, stopped Foodster dead in its tracks because the food it supplied contained their copyrighted recipes, even though nothing physical was actually stolen from their kitchens? Wouldn't Foodster's incredible benefits to all consumers far outweigh a rich corporation's desire to become richer? Don't you think they'd work out some sort of compromise where 90% of Foodster remained free, solving that pesky world hunger problem, while 10% became a pay premium service for gourmets?
    Your analogy of food to entertainment is thinner than Victoria's underwear, I hear you shriek. Food is a necessity but entertainment is a luxury? I beg to differ. I need my music. If the world weren't entertaining we'd all kill ourselves. 
    Why not make all nine Beethoven symphonies available for free to foreign countries where western music hasn't gained a foothold? Sounds good to me. Napster did that. Why not let Saudis hear songs banned in their country due to religious intolerance? Napster did that too. But now it's dead because Metallica wanted their royalties.

PHOTOSHOP FROM HELL

"Little did I realize we'd get the trifecta."
Actual quote.
Click here to hear it.

CONTEST FROM HELL

Make up a haiku summarizing the career of any politician, living or dead, send it to losers@washpost.com, and win a "paperweight made from genuine South African elephant dung."

FLIGHT FROM HELL

Amelia Earhart's granddaughter will be recreating her famous ancestor's trans-Atlantic flight this week, promising we'll never see her again.

INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL

How Many Republicans Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb? 

Four hundred and seventy one: 
12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old light bulb
23 to deregulate the light bulb industry
16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D
34 to cut the marginal tax rate on high-wattage light bulbs
9 to threaten trade sanctions if Germany and Japan don't start buying more 110-volt bulbs
53 to design a block grant so the states can change the bulb
41 to chat with defense contractors about equipping everyone in the building with night-vision gear instead
and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs, or screwing anything, on the Internet.

ART FROM HELL

DUH!

"Foreigners Obtain Social Security ID With Fake Papers"
- New York Times headline -

MORE ART FROM HELL

Italian-born Londoner "artist" Franko B, will set up an "art" exhibit at the Fiercel annual performance art festival consisting of naked Franko with a 10cm self-inflicted incision across his stomach, which will be monitored by a doctor to assure that blood will continue to trickle for the 6 hours he is on display.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

ONE OF THE MANY POSTERS THAT WORKED TO REPEAL PROHIBITION

QUOTES FROM HELL

"The Bush Administration has untreated bi-polar disorder."
- Madeleine Albright -

"No we don't."
- George W. Bush -

"Yes we do."
- George W. Bush -

"There's nothing that can guarantee that I can tell my children they can go outside and nothing bad will happen."
- Simi Buskila, whose 6-year-old daughter was wounded in yesterday's suicide bombing in Netanya, Israel -

"Yes there is. Move."
- Helen A. Handbasket -

"The Pope stressed that men wishing to repress their homosexuality should seek a more conventional path, like marrying Liza Minnelli."
- Bill Maher -

"I've got a bad feeling about this."
- every Star Wars movie -

"Freedom becomes insignificant if it makes no difference what I choose."
- Dinesh D'Souza -

"Every religion has its own idea, because it is a fiction. You don't have different ideas about the sun. You don't have different ideas about the rose. You can have only different ideas about a fiction."
- Osho -

"Just as rust arising from iron 
eats away the base from which it arises, 
even so, their own deeds 
lead transgressors to states of woe."
- Buddha -

ALLIES FROM HELL

The Egyptian government newspaper Al-Akhbar recently printed an article regretting that Hitler did not wipe out all Jews. The article was called, "If Only You Had Done It, Brother." 

QUIZ FROM HELL

As a child, this actor appeared in a
major motion picture, then disappeared
off the face of the earth.
Who is he and what part did he play?
Clue: He didn't have a goatee.

LAWSUIT FROM HELL

Is the U.S. Patent Office braindead? They gave a patent to a company, PanIP, that covers any web site that "contains both text and graphics" and "is capable of obtaining credit card or other financial information from the user." They're now suing everyone in sight. Does your site have text and graphics? You're next. These bastards must be stopped.

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

 
I Am the President 

I am the President
Isn't that great?
Giving the liberals
someone to hate

I am the President
That's who I be
When you look at the President
You're looking at me

     I know he shot
     those Kennedy's twice
     But now it's my turn
     To give Castro advice
     Do what I say and not what I do
     Count every vote and don't have a coup

I'm not a governor
That's what I was
How did I get here?
Let's just say because

I am the President
Drown me with cheers
There's so much to fuck up
In only four years

     I know I'm just
     Playing with dice
     But now it's my turn
     to give Putin advice
     Do what I say and not what I do
     Count every vote and don't have a coup

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: One of the biggest lies currently being perpetuated by western media is that Yasser Arafat turned down Ehud Barak's "generous" and "unprecedented" offer at Camp David for a peace settlement, thereby foisting all the blame for the current problems upon the Palestinians. Look closely and the offer wasn't generous at all and certainly not unprecedented. You would have turned it down too. Read The brilliant offer Israel never made.

Forget Star Wars II, did you know we're developing all kinds of space based weaponry other than the ludicrous Star Wars space shield? How about thunder rods? Tossed down from orbit, these strangely phallic kinetic-energy devices use their own mass and very high velocity to create a lovely destructive effect. And there's more. 

In Oak Harbor, Washington, two Israelis with altered passports were apprehended in a rental truck containing traces of TNT and plastic explosives on a state highway running past the home of a fleet of U.S. electronic spy planes, Whidbey Island Naval Air Station. And then the cover-up begins.

If you believe these guys, the history of cosmology is the history of us being completely wrong. The Universe has no beginning and no end, it's like sex and a candy bar, just one big bang and big crunch after another.

Here's an argument against the Crusader tank from a U.S. Colonel who really knows what he's talking about.

A lovely collection of F-15 Nose art from a unit that just got back from supporting the war effort. They have 15 days to remove.

Bush claims it never occurred to him they'd use planes as missiles, but the FBI was warned six years ago of a terrorist plot to hijack commercial planes and slam them into the Pentagon, the CIA headquarters and other buildings.

The networks are fighting devices that cut commercials from broadcast TV. If they win, it's skip the ads, go to jail.

Pity the poor forgotten victims of Enron, Kenny's Kids, those members of Congress who took Enron's money, did its bidding and are now bereft of Ken Lay's largesse.

What if Daigon from "Lord of the Rings" kept a diary concerning his frustration over not being king? It might go something like this.

Here's a Guide to Banned Books. 

Spiderman was supposed to swing from the World Trade Center but they cut the sequence and recalled the trailer, which you can see here.

You too can be a Catholic Archbishop. Just play the Hide-a-priest shell game.

Incompetence, rather than conspiracy, remains the most plausible explanation for the Bush administration's failure to prevent the terrorist atrocities of Sept. 11, 2001. But "conspiracy" is beginning to look like a plausible description of the administration's effort to conceal its tragic errors.