WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
On this Memorial Day, I give thanks to
everyone who ever fought for me, which in my personal life is looking pretty
slim. Looks like my only choice is to give thanks to everyone who ever
fought for me anonymously, having no idea they were giving their lives
for my ability to crank out bullshit like this on a regular basis. (bullshit
© 2002 Ambassadors from Hell, Corp. No use without signing something
in blood).
May 27, 2002
5. Russia.
4. France.
3. Italy.
2. Germany.
And the number one nation going to hell this
week?
1. Colombia.
ARITHMETIC FROM HELL
747 divided by 4 plus 12 injured in
a stampede at an Eminem concert minus 8 glasses of water per day it turns
out we don't really need equals the 475 total wordcount of the arms control
pact signed by Presidents Bush and Putin times Coleen Rowley's 13-page
letter (that's about four times the length of the Moscow Treaty) accusing
the FBI of undermining the pre-Sept 11 investigation of Zacarias Moussaoui
minus $450,000 paid by the archbishop of Milwaukee to settle a sexual assault
claim divided by every housewife in Beverly Hills using Botox.
CARTOON FROM HELL
RUMOR FROM HELL
All pretzel factories in Europe were
shut down during Bush's visit.
ALLIES FROM HELL
According to a Saudi
newspaper, the U.S. will vanish and the Bush administration are "the
morons in Washington."
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
The CIA is exempt from the federal
law that protects whistle blowers who work for the federal government.
INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL
The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart
Wine:
12. Chateau Traileur Doublewide
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Wriesling
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart
Wine...
1. Nasti Spumante
ORIGAMI FROM HELL
And, of course, if you're too lazy
to wad up a piece of paper yourself, go here and buy an origami
boulder.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Those who ask questions could
face government charges."
- Donald Rumsfeld -
"Won't you blow me?"
- Michael Dare -
"A tyrant declares war to deny his
subjects leisure and to impose on them the constant need for a leader."
- Aristotle -
"War is the health of the state."
- Randolph Bourne -
"It is the duty of any given nation
in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such
a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they
do not die before they get killed."
- Lord Buckley -
"This film will single-handedly guarantee
that George W. Bush will never see a second term."
- From a review of Michael Moore's
new film Bowling for Columbine -
"He is not noble who injures living
beings. He is called noble because he is harmless towards all living beings."
- Buddha -
"Impossible to see, the future is."
- Yoda -
"Not all those that wander are lost."
- J.R.R. Tolkien -
"Have a heart that never hardens, a
temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts."
- Charles Dickens -
"All knowledge begins with honesty."
- Plato -
"Never be rude to anyone unless you
mean it."
- Archie Goodwin (Rex Stout) -
QUIZ FROM HELL
Before 9/11, who had information about
a terrorist plot against the United States?
a) John Walker Lindh
b) George W. Bush
Who is on trial for treason?
a) John Walker Lindh
b) George W. Bush
BUREAUCRACY FROM HELL
The supervising agent at the FBI who
hampered the Moussaoui investigation has since been promoted.
COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL
Like a Bridge Over Okie Waters,
I will Fall Me Down
Please don't make me write this.
CONTEST FROM HELL
Last week's answer:
Nobody got it.
This is...
Danny Lloyd
(Danny Torrance in The
Shining)
SITES FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: Go
here
and type in your birthday.
As bizarre as it may
sound, the 19 Muslim men accused of being the Sept. 11 hijackers might
not, in fact, be the hijackers, since the FBI admits there
isn't a shred of evidence actually connecting them to the event.
So you believe Condoleezza
Rice when she says we couldn't have been prepared for the events of 9/11?
Explain this official site showing a scale model of the Pentagon in an
article from last October called Contingency
planning Pentagon MASCAL exercise simulates scenarios in preparing for
emergencies.
Israel was struck by
a
terrorist bomber.
Be sure to read this
story about deja
vu.
They've conducted hundreds
of theoretical war games concerning the problems between Indian and Pakistan,
coming to one conclusion: It
Doesn't Start in Kashmir, and It Never Ends Well.
Sen.
Dianne Feinstein says she repeatedly tried to warn the White House
last summer about serious problems identifying potential terrorism, but
was finally told by Lewis Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's chief of
staff, the day before the Sept. 11 attacks, that it would be six months
before he could review her remedies.
In an attempt to treat
depression, neuroscientists once carried out a simple experiment. Using
electrodes, they stimulated the brains of women in ways that caused pleasurable
feelings. The subjects came to no harm — indeed their symptoms appeared
to evaporate, at least temporarily — but they quickly fell in love with
their experimenters. Read more about the creepy world of neuroscience.
When they conduct brain
experiments on monkeys, no one falls in love with anyone.
Israel was struck by
a terrorist
bomber.
Be sure to read this
story about deja
vu.
So you're absolutely
certain who built the Great Pyramids or what the methods of construction
were or that there were no humans in the Americas before 20,000 BC or that
the first civilization dates back no further than 6000 BC? You need to
read Archaeological
Cover-ups.
Wanna go blind? Be sure
to stare at the solar
eclipse on June 10.
You thought Enron was
bad? Check out what's happening at the Export-Import
bank.
The U.S. Justice Department
is urging local police to keep
tabs not just on potential terrorists but also on environmentalists
and anti-globalization activists.
Israel was struck by
a terrorist
bomber.
Be sure to read this
story about deja
vu.
Rant of the week: Stop
Pretending Our Great President Knows Anything and I MEAN It! By Bob
Boudelang, Angry American Patriot.
From the BBC, don't miss
this flash movie guide to the US
missile defence shield.
That huggy teddy bear
Mullah Omar wants you to know this.
Israel was struck by
a terrorist
bomber.
Be sure to read this
story about deja
vu.
