New York is expecting a baby boom nine months after the terrorist attacks.

George W. Bush came out against the "war of words" between the leaders of India and Pakistan, who are both attending a regional security conference in Kazakhstan. "Words? It's not fair," he said. "I wish they'd switch to weapons."

Egyptian intelligence warned U.S. officials last year that Catholic priests were fucking little boys. "There's no doubt the CIA knew," said Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. "I told them myself and showed them the pictures."

Napster has declared bankruptcy but Limewire lives on.
 

 
Greetings Dr. Hollywood,

If you are looking for a writer's assistant that is 1) willing to rise with the sun and work until Security Guard Sam has found his seat at the front desk; 2) is able to concept, craft. and condense any genre or lexicon of written text into a concise and clean format; 3) expert with Final Draft 4) published writer; 5) all-around "swell" guy, the please take a minute to read my resume and curriculum and give me a call. 

Thanks and all the best.

Barry.Jude Landry
 

Dear Barry,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

You are the answer to my prayers. I live up a dirt road in the middle of the desert, fifteen miles from civilization with no transportation. I need to get my kids to the bus stop every weekday PRECISELY at sunrise, which is when you're up anyway. Here's a map. 

I need you about 6:30AM.

Thanks,

MD

Dear Dr. "Desert Dweller" Hollywood,

Thanks immensely for the generous offer to support and develop my burgeoning writing career with your empirical expertise and awe-inspiring screenwriting gift.  My rate (not including gas) is $1000/Day.  If this is OK, when might I start?

BJL
 

Barry,

My friend Andre is going to inherit $6 million next month. If you'll take a post-dated check, we're on.

MD

Dear Dr.,

No worries, just sign over your land, horses, trucks, livestock, and any real-estate titles in third-world countries and I'll make sure Junior and Juniorette make it to the bus stop pronto like Tonto. Tell your buddy Andre that I know a great tax lawyer -- he only takes half.

BJL
 

Dear Barry,

I own a patch of land in New Guinea that's perfect for a leper colony. The title's in my sister's name but I can forge her signature pretty well. All my horses and livestock are roaming the free ranges of Montana, but if you can round them up, they're yours. And if I had a truck, I wouldn't need your help.

MD

Gee Doctor, 

Your life is a little bit on the chaotic side -- maybe I should reconsider that offer.  I tell you what, if your sister is hot and she knows how to round up horses, tell her to give me a call.  We'll fix up that 'ole truck (any man worth his salt has a beat-up truck on his desolate desert property), sell the property in New Guinea (cannibalistic lepers? scary...), kick you out (you sound like you need some tough-love), and raise Junior and Juniorette on our own -- maybe look into some home-schooling fer the yung 'uns. 
All the best.

BJ

 
Barry,

Well, if you're going to be THAT way about it. My uncle Sid grooms Brad Pitt's analyst's dog and he's gotten Brad to agree to star in my treatment of the life of Gerald Ford and we need someone like you for the final polish. But now, forget it.

MD
 

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

This has been a week for facing reality. The Bush Administration has finally admitted that there is such a thing as global warming, that trees emit oxygen, and nothing beats the smell of sulfur.

June 3, 2002

5. Russia has agreed to allow 'N Sync's Lance Bass to be the first pop star to go into space as long as they can leave him there. 

4. Eight tons of cyanide hijacked from a truck in Mexico is missing but they still won't cancel Friends.

3. Florida can't find 1,000 children that were in state custody. Madonna's pregnant again. Coincidence? I don't think so.

2. Someone please explain to me how Thoroughly Modern Millie was the best musical of the year but Urinetown: The Musical had the best book, the best score, and the best direction. Hey Tony Award voters. Watch your buttocks.

 And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Winona Ryder fractured her elbow on her way into court so her shoplifting trial was postponed and her hands weren't chopped off.

iMAC FROM HELL

More rejected iMac designs

RUMOR FROM HELL

The new Security bill to help defend America against terrorism contains $2 million for the Smithsonian Institution to house its jars of biological specimens, $2.5 million to map coral reefs around Hawaii, and $5 million to subsidize farmers' markets and roadside produce stands.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

In 1898, Bayer trademarked Heroin and in 1900 marketed it world-wide as a cough medicine.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it."
- Mark Twain -

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children."
- Clarence Darrow -

"The more things change, the less they remain the same."
- Satan -

QUIZ FROM HELL

When George W. Bush said "Do you have blacks, too?", he was...

a) touring a crayon manufacturing plant. 
b) talking to Brazilian President Henrique Cardosa.

RABID DOG FROM HELL

CHILDREN'S SHOW THEME SONG FROM HELL

Contraceptivesponge Hotpants

Who lives in a prostitute under a bridge?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who'll do it for change that fell under the fridge?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants

Repulsive and horny and smelly is she
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
You can get off by just watching her pee
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants

Who gives you the clap for a buck ninety-eight?
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Who'll take all your semen but won't procreate
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Contraceptivesponge Hotpants
Contraceptivespo-o-o-o-nge 
Hotpants!

CONTEST FROM HELL

One of the winners in the
I Look Like My Dog contest.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Bush's Trip to Europe Was Not An Embarrassing Disaster For America So Stop Saying That! - a hilariously incompetent rebuttal to everyone saying the opposite; and The September 11 X-Files - an excellent article about all the people who are trying to connect the dots.

John Ashcroft is the new #1 conservative idiot of the week. Congratulations, John.

Does the White House have a web page dedicated to the baseball picks of George W. Bush's pet cow? Yes, the White House has a web page dedicated to the baseball picks of George W. Bush's pet cow.

If your team loses due to incompetence, do you just reorganize? Hey FBI. Fire the bums!

Hey, you know all those new prisons we built? They're not preventing crime at all.

Aren't we all feeling just a bit beyond embarrassment?

Guess what? We don't have to buy oil from Iraq or drill for oil in Alaska because it turns out the oil fields in the Gulf of Mexico are completely inexhaustible.

Here's a lovely history of the heroism of the U.S. military.

This is Katherine Harris's site. She's running for congress. She's a thief and a liar. She'll fit right in.

The Unknown News makes the case that 9/11 and Pearl Harbor were a lot more similar than you think.

Be sure to check out this guide to some terrorist groups you might not have heard of.