WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
June 17, 2002
5. Scooby-Doo took in $56.4 million.
I haven't had a decent bowel movement all week. Coincidence? I don't think
so.
4. "Thank you, thank you, thank you," said
Mario Puzo from the 3rd level of hell concerning his new roommate, John
Gotti.
3. President Bush is formalizing a new policy
of taking pre-emptive action against states and terror groups trying to
develop weapons of mass destruction, just as the United States Supreme
Court took pre-emptive action against voters in Florida trying to develop
democracy.
2. Bin Laden has threatened Eminem
but they still won't cancel Friends.
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. Jewish settlers living in the West
Bank.
ALLIANCE FROM HELL
Conservative Christians have joined
up with Islamic governments to halt the expansion of sexual and political
protections and rights for gays, women and children at United Nations conferences.
PMS FROM HELL
The largest
wildfire in Colorado history was started by a U.S Forest Service technician
burning a letter from her husband.
VIRUS FROM HELL
Okay, let's take the lead from Saudi
Arabia and chop off the hands of the scumbags who came up with the first
computer virus that can be spread through JPEGs.
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
1) How long did the Hundred Years War
last? 116 years.
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
Ecuador.
3) From which animal do we get cat
gut? Sheep and Horses.
4) In which month do Russians celebrate
the October Revolution? November.
5) What is a camel's hair brush made
of? Squirrel fur.
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific
are named after what animal? Dogs.
7) What was King George VI's first
name? Albert.
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson.
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries
from? New Zealand.
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Do you know how they test
to see if fish are edible? They take the whole, live fish and throw it
in a blender. Then you are testing the brains, the eyeballs, the spine,
the guts, the backbone. But I don't eat any of those parts! I only eat
the meat. If you want to test to see if a fish is fit for human consumption,
you should test only the parts that humans consume."
- Ted Nugent -
"If the IPCC (Intergovernmental Panel
on Climate Change) is right, then it is possible that in the amount of
time that separates us from the signing of the Declaration of Independence,
the coastal cities of the world along with billions of their inhabitants
will have to be evacuated. New York, Washington, Miami, New Orleans, London,
St. Petersburg, Calcutta, Tokyo, Shanghai – all will be underwater. The
breadbaskets of the world, the American mid-west and Ukraine, will be deserts.
How does George Bush respond to these prospects? Either he believes that
oil company public relations hype is a superior source of knowledge to
the scientific research of the IPCC, in which case he is a fool; or else
he is aware of the devastation that his policies may cause future generations,
in which case he is a scoundrel. There is no apparently benign third alternative
interpretation of his behavior."
- Ernest Partridge from The
President of Fantasyland -
"First BUSH KNEW!, then CONGRESS KNEW!,
then the FBI KNEW!, now the CIA KNEW!. Oh, and EGYPT KNEW!. Hell, Creedence
Clearwater Revival KNEW! They saw a 'bad moon rising'. They warned us that
'troubles' were 'on the way.'"
- Juan Gato -
"Each religion, each country, each
race was claiming, 'We are the chosen people of God. We are the highest;
everyone is lower than us.' This is insanity, and everybody has suffered
because of it. Jews have suffered immensely for one single folly that they
committed: the idea that 'We are the chosen people of God.' Once you have
the idea that you are the chosen people of God, then you cannot be forgiven
by others because they are also the chosen people of God, and how to decide
it? No argument can be conclusive, and nobody knows where God is hiding
so you cannot ask him either; he cannot be brought in the court to be a
witness. Then only the sword is going to decide. Whosoever is mighty is
going to be right."
- Osho from Consciousness
or Insanity -
"Winning gives birth to hostility.
Losing, one lies down in pain.
The calmed lie down with ease,
having set winning & losing aside."
- Buddha -
CHILDREN'S TOY FROM HELL
QUIZ FROM HELL
According to Israel's Defense Minister
Binyamin Ben-Eliezer, the 345 kilometer fence between Israel and the occupied
West Bank, which costs $1 million per kilometer to build, is "non-political
and temporary."
If you had $345 million to spend on
the crisis in the mid-east, would you...
a) build a bunch of new hospitals and
offer unlimited free healthcare to absolutely everyone regardless of race,
creed, or color.
b) offer to move anyone in the mid-east
who's tired of the violence to the Bahamas.
c) buy every single Palestinian a
split level home with a swimming pool.
d) build a fence.
If you were to commit suicide by blowing
yourself up, it would be because...
a) you were happy as a lark.
b) your situation seemed hopeless.
If you wanted to stop people from blowing
themselves up, you would...
a) give them hope.
b) bomb their homes.
"Revenge is not a payment of a debt,
but rather a loan of violence to be returned with interest at some future
date."
- Tom Simmons -
"As long as life continues like this,
you will have people who think like me."
-Zaydan Zaydan, a failed Palestinian
suicide bomber -
"To get peace, we must return to the
pre-1967 borders. Peace is more important than real estate."
- David Ben-Gurion -
CARTOON FROM HELL
CONTRADICTIONS FROM HELL
In India, Donald Rumsfeld announced
that Pakistan had let Al-Qaeda terrorists into Cashmere, and then in Pakistan
he said the Al-Qaeda were not
in Cashmere.
The "Environmental Protection Agency"
has called for relaxing clean air
rules to make it easier for utilities, oil refineries and industrial
plants to upgrade and expand, which will increase smog and contribute to
asthma and other respiratory ailments.
SITES
FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: How
to reduce terrorism: Bring American troops home By Thomas Gale Moore
From Ted Rall: George
W. Kafka: Bush's police state kicks into gear.
What's more fun than
watching The Osbournes? Being
the Osbournes.
Hooray! Our Jenius President
Has Caught A
Puerto Rican Middle Eastern Terrorist!
If any more proof were
needed that the most powerful nation on earth is now governed by a junta
of panic-stricken, innumerate provincial nitwits, consider this.
How much money has been
spent on the War on Drugs this year? Check out the
drug war clock.
PG&E is using the
bankruptcy courts to void dozens of state laws that are supposed to protect
consumers and the environment. They
must be stopped.
Some people haven't gotten
over it. Where's the outrage? Right here.
Would Nixon have resigned
if his VP hadn't already fallen in disgrace? Maybe it's time to stop
chasing Bush and go after Dick.
Are you psychic? Take
this
online test, as if you didn't already know.
And you MUST already
know about the CIA's TOP SECRET mind control research program code named
MK-Ultra.
Got a short attention
span? Love music? Listen to Quick96
where they only play the best parts of your favorite songs.
How could your shopping
preferences have led to this?
Is the Internet the
last refuge of the liberal?
Ever notice how cars
in movies always burst into flames the instant they collide with anything,
despite the fact that gasoline has a very narrow flammable range of about
0.8 to 6% gasoline vapor in air and the vapor-air mixture must be exactly
as specified or the gas will not burn, let alone explode? Learn more at
Insultingly
Stupid Movie Physics.
Need a job? Why not apply
for work at Disney
animation?
Of course all you really
need to do is Wack
Bush with a bottle if he tries to take a drink.
