Homer Simpson Surpressed

To: Danny Goldberg
From: Paul Krassner

June 7, 2002

Dear Danny,

Dan Castellaneta, who is the voice of Homer on The Simpsons, and I have long been fans of each other's work, and he has attended several of my performances.  When you invited me to do another album for Artemis Records, I asked Dan if he would introduce me at the taping in Homer Simpson's voice.

He said he would consider it an honor and a pleasure.  He typed out a manuscript and I observed him studying it before the show.  Then he introduced me from an offstage microphone.

I had already been informed that Fox TV wanted to hear the entire CD before granting permission, so of course I mentioned that to the audience, adding, "Who would ever have thought that some day Homer Simpson would become an intellectual property?"

Then I learned that Fox wanted seven copies of the mastered tape of "Irony Lives!"  I prepared myself for their refusal; the word in the industry is, "Never mess with Fox lawyers."  And, "They're worse than Disney."

Next I was told that Dan's attorney said Dan didn't know his introduction would be included in the actual CD.  This was simply not true.  I gave Dan's phone number to Artemis attorney Adrian White so that she could check with him directly.

It turned out that the lawyer was concerned because the introduction leads into the first track (an organic process) which is titled "Terrorist Attacks."  I immediately instructed artist Kalynn Campbell to list "Introduction by Homer Simpson" and, beneath that, "Terrorist Attacks."

Next, Fox wanted $500 for a licensing fee, which is apparently the going rate these days for a pound of flesh.  Artemis agreed, but the delay continued, and Fox still hadn't signed anything.

You told me, "It would be cooler to have Homer's introduction on the album than not to," and I concurred.

As a result, the release of my album--originally intended for July 16--would have to be delayed for three weeks.  This was frustrating, partly because so much of the material is topical, but also because I would be touring for my book, Murder At the Conspiracy Convention, in June and mostly July, and I knew that he-writes/he-talks would provide a good publicity angle.

Today, designated bearer of bad news Jason Janego informed me that, "Unfortunately, Fox declined our request, and in doing so failed to go into any detail as to what their reasons were."  He asked if there could be any situation where they would allow use of the introduction, and the Fox lawyer said he would go back and ask again.

Yeah, as they say, right.  But there's a blessing in disguise here.

I've decided that I don't want to have a second delay in releasing the album, and in my own Aikido-like fashion of turning negative energy into positive energy, I now believe that it would be cooler NOT to have Homer's introduction on the CD.

Rather, its suppression is much juicier than its inclusion, the kind of story that the media enjoy spreading, all the better for creating a buzz that will only serve to promote the album.

This will begin on the first leg of my tour, in Los Angeles, June 10-12, where so far I'm scheduled for one local radio program, one syndicated TV program and one dinner with a columnist for the L.A. Times. 

Plus--and gosh, I just can't imagine how this has happened--there are already bootleg copies of Homer's introduction in the hands of friendly print journalists, web sites and disc jockeys.  I'll be sure to inform them to play it at their own risk.

I daresay that more people will hear Homer introducing me than would have heard it on the CD itself.  The irony of Irony Lives! is that the result of Fox's attempt to disassociate themselves from the album will backfire.

Would you arrange for it to be remastered in New York so that the introduction is eliminated and the first track begins with the applause, or will it be necessary for me to have that done out here?

I realize that this kind of censorship is not a 1st Amendment issue, since it's not being done by the government.  Nevertheless, I have to deal with it.

Burn CDs, Not Books.

Love,
Paul

                   *  *  *

Fox owns only Dan doing Homer's voice, not a transcript of what he said--here is the text of the introduction that will accompany the liner notes:

(Homer Simpson's introduction can be heard in RealAudio here which is much better than reading it) 

 
Hello.  I'm Homer Simpson.

There have been many great counter culture heroes I have admired over the years.  Steve McQueen, Dr. Demento, Dr. Denis Leary and Wavy Gravy.  Mmmmm gravy.

But even some counter culture heroes go too far and step over that line between dissent and in-dissent...cy.

I'm speaking of Paul Krassner.

The first problem I have with Paul Krassner is that the only good song he wrote for The Jefferson Airplane was, "Crown of Creation."  And even then his name is spelled K-a-n-t-n-e-r even though it is pronounced Krassner.

I also have a problem with the fact that he is an atheist.  If there is no God then who has placed a pox on me and mocks me every day?  Of whom do I live in fear and mortal terror?  Buddha?  I think not.  He's way over in China where thankfully he can't get at me.

I have a problem with his constant use of words such as "penis" "Larry Flynt" "premature" "ejaculation" "CIA" and on several occasions he has been known to use the words "Bush" and "Bush Jr." in mixed company.  Did I mention "penis"?  Yeah, here it is--"penis" (Laughs).  (To self) Penis.

Let's see, where was I?  I mentioned, "penis" "gravy" "Buddha" "God" "Jefferson Airplane"...

No.  That's it...

Will everyone please put their hands together for that raving unconfined nut...here's hoping he opens with "Crown of Creation"...Paul Krassner!

More from Paul (who gave me the word "disinfotainment") at paulkrassner.com.
 

Brazil on Thursday became the 69th country to ratify the treaty establishing a new and permanent International Criminal Court to pursue heinous wrongdoing.

Teleportation - the disembodiment of an object in one location and its reconstruction in another - has been successfully carried out in a physics lab in Australia.

There over 600 prison camps in the United States, all fully operational and ready to receive prisoners. They are all staffed and even surrounded by full-time guards, but they are all empty. These camps are to be operated by FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) should Martial Law need to be implemented in the United States.

Virginia state troopers stopped the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile for driving on a restricted road next to the Pentagon. The crew of the 27-foot-long hot dog was grilled by police when it mistakenly traveled on Route 110, which has been off-limits to vehicles with six wheels or more because of concerns that someone could drive a truck bomb close to the Defense Department's headquarters. (Insert your own joke concerning mustard gas, getting your buns toasted, or expecting the wurst.)

On the other hand, scientists in Canada have crossed a spider with a goat. 

The only two black family shows on the air, The Bernie Mac Show and Damon Wayon's My Wife and Kids, are going to be opposite each other next season.

America Online’s newest gimmick is to package its disks advertising free hours of online access in a metal box. This “metal mail” is a central part of the company’s $3.8 billion annual ad budget and really takes a toll on our nation’s energy security and on our environment. Aluminum production consumes more energy than is needed to produce steel, glass, paper or plastic. It also relies on bauxite mining, which destroys more of the earth’s surface area than any other type of mining. And, to make matters worse, the discarded junk mail is filling up our landfills. You throw yours away, don't you?

Not only that but this so-called "free" membership contains NO INFORMATION WHATSOEVER about how to quit after the trial period, so you end up getting charged for membership anyway.

Tell Steve Case what an asshole you think he is!

Circuit City will no longer sell VHS tapes, focusing solely on DVDs.

A prostitute in Turan, Italy, has been arrested for charging too little.

Home Depot has issued a company policy that no store is to do any more business with the US government or its representatives.

Stephen Colbert of The Daily Show explains what to do if you're exposed to radiation.

George Carlin on bottled water.

The families of 11 immigrants who died illegally crossing into Arizona from Mexico have filed a $41 million claim against two federal agencies, saying the government's refusal to put water out in the desert contributed to the migrants' deaths.

Kill the Useless Eaters and Human Weeds.

David Blaine is nailing Daryl Hannah.

According to a recent study, eating nuts can reduce the risk of heart disease.

Yasser Arafat condemned Israel's military blockade of the West Bank.

What the hell is going on at the Denver International Airport? Why is there a Masonic Capstone inscribed NEW WORLD AIRPORT COMMISSION? Why is it full of gargoyles and apocalyptic murals? Why do the runways form a swastika? Smells like Skull and Bones to me.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

So, . . . I wrote a James Bond screenplay.
So, . . . a published screenwriter told me I shouldn't have . .. 'cause Broccoli & Co. only commission screenplays.
Now, I have a finished screenplay with PPI & II, inciting incident, midpoint, denouncement, double entendres, a beginning, middle and end to a plot and subplot set in East Africa. 
My problem is, . .  I like the screenplay; it makes me laugh. 
I feel I am destined to write for Bond (or his sidekick, Jane Blond, American woman, 0"Oh"7 in the President's Special Intelligence Service).
Is it true?  Is there anything I can do? 
I am always yours.
Mary Morrison.

Dear Mary,

Writing a James Bond movie is very much like writing a Bugs Bunny Cartoon or a McDonalds commercial. The chances of the Broccolis or Warner Brothers or McDonalds reading your script, much less making it, are somewhere in between zero and zero.

What you've got is a writing sample. Nothing wrong with that. It's something you can show to people to show what you are capable of. 

Or you can do what you seem to suggest, use search-and-replace to change all the names in your script and turn it into a parody of James Bond movies, keeping in mind that GOOD parodies are funny even if you haven't seen the source material. 

But you're still not out of trouble. Even though the Supreme Court decision of "the People vs. Larry Flynt" protects satire, that hasn't stopped the publishers of Gone with the Wind from suing the publishers of The Wind Done Gone, or the Broccolis, who are notoriously lawsuit-happy, from suing the makers of the new Austin Powers movie from calling it Goldmember, as though anyone on earth could possibly mistake it for Goldfinger.

The best writing samples are 100% original. One question screenwriters are often asked before submitting something is "Do you own this 100%?" If the answer's "no," they won't look at it without a signed release from anyone who can lay claim to it. If a writing sample is based upon a book or a play or is a satire of another film, the readers will assume that anything good about it is based upon the source material.

The process of getting a film made is very much the process of deleting all obstacles towards getting it made. Way too many movies are made just because there was nothing to prevent them from getting made.

Want to get a film made? Write something that's completely yours.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

June 24, 2002

5. Jesse Ventura's contract with Satan specifically stated that he could not seek a second term as Minnesota's governor if they gave Kermit the Frog a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

4. "I think Jian Wang is much better than Yo-Yo Ma," declared Adolf Hitler from the 4th level of hell. "I look forward to meeting him."

3. Arnold Schwarzenegger was given an honorary doctorate from Chapman University on the same day Paul McCartney's daughter was mugged. Coincidence? I don't think so.

2. Angela Bassett has criticized Halle Berry and her Oscar-winning performance in Monster's Ball - saying it's demeaning for black actresses to play sluts. "The part should have been played by Rosie Perez," she said, "because Puerto Ricans are, well, you know."

And the number one person going to hell this week?

1. Ann Landers is now giving advice to the minions of the 3rd level of hell who all call her Abby.

ARITHMETIC FROM FROM HELL

230 people killed in an earthquake in Iran divided by $1.6 billion China is paying Russia for eight submarines from Russia times 278,000 members of the AMA times $36.9 million taken in by Minority Report equals 600,000 Palestinians confined to their homes plus $35.8 million taken in by Lilo and Stitch times 98% of the al Qaeda leadership that are alive and safe minus 130,000 burnt acres in Arizona.

WHO'S NOT GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK

The US Supreme court overturned the death sentences of 150 convicted prisoners.

DIET FROM HELL

Every year the King of Thailand shows mercy to certain prisoners by reducing their sentence or even granting a full pardon. This year it has been announced all inmates with TB will be released, so prisoners are swallowing the phlegm of inmates with tuberculosis in a bid to get early release.

STATISTICS FROM HELL

a) The number of physicians in the US: 700,000.

b) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000.

c) Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171. 

d) The number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000.

e) The number of accidental gun deaths per year: 1,500.

f) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner: .0000188.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

The Press and the Fascists 
By Denis Mueller

Journalism is the first reporting of history. So it would be interesting, and in the structure of Forgotten History, to look back at how some of the press in the United States greeted the rise of Mussolini and Hitler. In the 1920's Mussolini was hailed as Italy's savior by major publications like the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Chicago Tribune, and The Saturday Evening Post were among those who hailed Mussolini as a man who brought order to Italy.

How was Hitler greeted when he came to power, with the notable exception of the Boston Globe and The Baltimore Sun, in much the same manner? American news and radio reports painted a picture of optimism. The New York Times told readers to expect a "transformation" in Hitler as he begins "softening down or abandoning the more violent parts of his alleged program." Clearly the experts were wrong.

Once in power they adopted a "let Hitler try his hand" approach. Times bureau chief Frederick Birchcall said the Nazi's were not planning "any slaughter of their enemies or racial oppression in any vital degree." Birchell kept telling his readers that the Nazi had no desire to go to war and that we should not fear Hitler. With an eye for the irrelevant, which has become the trademark of American journalism, he observed that Hitler was a vegetarian and a non-smoker. This information was supposed somehow to humanize him.

The Los Angles Times saw him as a bulwark against communism, labor unions and dissenters. Henry Ford, Thomas Watson of IBM and press moguls like Hearst and McCormick looked on and praised the Nazi's along with their like minded groups that began to spring up in the United States. In fact some of them considered fascism an attractive option. Former president of the National Association of Manufactures H.W. Prentiss declared that "America business might be forced to turn to form of disguised fascistic dictatorship."

Joseph Kennedy Sr. looked kindly on Hitler as well. The list is long. The question remains is why? For one reason the writers and editors were following the wishes of their publishers and advertisers. What you got was a point of view that illustrated their politics. That is why history is important. It allows us to go back and see what was really said. The other point is that the experts are not experts at all but rather ill-informed.

Now we are told daily by the press what is in our national interests. But we should look back at history and see what the press told us what are national interests were before. Fascism was certainly not in our national interests nor was the waste of the Cold War. But they told us this. We must learn that what they tell us is not only many times untrue but highly biased. This is a lesson we should never forget.

Sources: Inventing Reality, Michael Parenti

QUOTES FROM HELL

"If you drink a martini, don't drive. Don't even putt."
- Dean Martin -

"Every country has the government it deserves."
- Joseph de Maistre -

"While there is a lower class, I am in it. While there is a criminal class I am of it. While there is a soul in prison, I am not free."
- Eugene Debs -

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices."
- William James -

"I have no problem blowing up Baltimore in a movie if it's done with joy and style."
- John Waters -

"The welfare of the people is the ultimate law."
- Marcus Cicero -

"Art does not apologize."
-Alfred De Musset in Impromptu by Sarah Kernochan-

DIVORCE FROM HELL

QUIZ FROM HELL

Which candidate in the 2000 election said "I don't want to be president unless I won the election. Let's count all the votes."

a) Bush
b) Gore
c) Nobody

LEGISLATION FROM HELL

The Model State Emergency Health Powers Act (MSEHPA) proposes giving state governments broad police powers to declare public-health emergencies, force individuals to undergo medical exams, track and share individuals' personal health information without their consent, force individuals to be vaccinated, treated or quarantined, ration food and other commodities, and mobilize state militias to enforce state orders and impose fines and penalties.

CARTOON FROM HELL

 
FUNERAL FROM HELL

According to the AP, mourners at a funeral in Loxley, Ala. beat the crap out of the preacher because they didn't like his eulogy.

 SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: The Sad and Sordid Whereabouts of bin Cheney and bin Bush - A Free Online Chapter addition to Stupid White Men by Michael Moore. Part One: What Does a 99-cent Bic Lighter Tell Us About the Bush War on Terrorism? (Bush caved in to tobacco lobbyists who didn't want lighters and matches on the list of items banned from commercial air flights)

Prominent Americans have issued this statement on the war on terror.

Then again, maybe all these on-line petitions are a total waste of time.

How close are you to nuclear waste? Go here.

Colorado and Arizona are on fire because of draught and heatwaves. Is that global fucking warming or what?

Interesting how mideasttruth.com is 100% pro-Israel. Seems to me the word "truth" would include both sides of an issue. Though totally biased, a worthwhile site nonetheless.

Is Exxon sponsoring terrorism? Read Capital Gains.

Are you lost in the world of series available on the web. Episodic Review is pretty much the TV guide of the Internet.

Bored? Why not build a laser from scratch?

Hold that sheep! First check out this guide to US sex laws.

Confused? Here's a flowchart that explains absolutely everything.

Still not sure about your ape DNA? Check out Scientific American's 15 Answers to Creationist Nonsense.

Is there one good reason not to take the smallpox vaccination? No, there are 20 good reasons not to take the smallpox vaccination.

Fuck your local paper. Get the real news at Common Dreams News Center and alternet.

Check out this superb list of articles about the drug war.