WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
You never know who’s going to trade their
soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket,
ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire.
Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications
are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions
do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.
July 1, 2002
Be sure to visit
Satan
for President in 2004
5. "Why am I here?" cried Rosemary Clooney.
"I've never hurt anyone in my life." Oh yeah? Try listening to Mambo
Italiano over and over. Satan hates that song, which doesn't really
explain why he wants Clooney around. Anyway, now she gets to spend some
time with Ella Fitzgerald.
4. John Entwistle got old before he
died.
3. "I can't wait to meet Martha Stewart,"
declared cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer from the 2nd level of hell. "I've heard
her finger sandwiches are to die for."
2. North Korea suffered more
than 30 casualties in a sea battle on the same day thousands of crows descended
on the Canadian town of Woodstock, outnumbering terrified residents. Coincidence?
I don't think so."
And the number one people going to hell this
week?
1. WorldCom stockholders get to learn
the finer points of clipping supermarket coupons.
JOKE FROM HELL
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room
in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that
they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring
about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room,
strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.
In the middle of the project, there
comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind
man," replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns
look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from
letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "where
do you want these blinds?"
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
Thomas Jefferson referred to the bible
as a "dunghill" (Oct 12, 1813 letter to John Adams), John Adams wrote "This
would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in
it!" (April 19, 1817 letter to Thomas Jefferson), then he signed the Treaty
of Tripoli which provides in Article 11 that "The Government of the United
States is not in any sense founded on the Christian religion."
QUOTES FROM HELL
"Unless people start dying,
it won't become legal, so I volunteer to be the first victim. Somebody
kill me with pot tonight."
- Bill Maher -
"I believe that the whole pledge is
unconstitutional because the United States was founded as a government
of the People, by the People, and for the People. Therefore the People
should not be pledging to the Government, but the Government should be
pledging to the people."
- Mark Perkel -
"History is like shampoo: exotic or
generic, the last step is always REPEAT."
- Mrs. Betty Bowers -
"If we do not act now, we will surely
end up where we are heading."
- Chinese Proverb -
"Being real is one thing. Being interesting
is better."
- Stanley Kubrick to Vincent D'Onofrio
on the set of Full Metal Jacket -
"What do you call someone in possession
of all the facts? Paranoid."
- William Burroughs -
"Our brains need to be retuned: forget
about left and right, liberal and conservative, Democrat and Republican,
and start thinking about the rich and the poor, the ruler and the ruled."
- Mathew Riemer -
"There is no confusion like the confusion
of a simple mind."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald in The Great
Gatsby -
"With his wealth collected justly,
won through his own efforts, he shares both food and drink with beings
who are in need."
- Buddha -
"Right now, I want to focus on making
a salad."
- Martha Stewart -
J0B SEARCH FROM HELL
QUIZ FROM HELL
Let's say you produce a product that
is beneficial to mankind, maybe a drug, and sales of this product make
you $1 million a year. Let's say a discovery is made that a common item
available for free to anybody, let's say dandelions, contains all the exact
same benefits of the product you produce. Would you...
a) applaud the research and go into
the dandelion business, even though it meant a cut in salary?
b) do everything within your power
to suppress this information and keep yourself in business?
ANSWERS:
a) You have made the difficult choice
of sacrificing your personal interests for the benefit of mankind. You
are a hero who embodies everything that is good about life on earth.
b) You are a self-serving bastard who
puts his own selfish needs ahead of the benefit of mankind. You are a villain
who embodies everything that is rotten about life on earth.
ESSAY QUESTION:
Come up with one single example where
George W. Bush has chosen mankind over his own self-interest.
TOY FROM HELL
Get this plush Cthulhu at Toy
Vault
SITES
FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: Switzerland
is just as religiously tolerant, wealthy, and hedonistic as the U.S., so
the question is Why
didn't they attack Switzerland?
And you want your children
to recite a pledge to a deity every day? The
Talibanization of America continues unabated.
Why did Mohammed Atta
get a temporary visa? According to Dr. Steve Camarota, director of research
at the Center for Immigration Studies, most of the 9/11 terrorists had
serious visa violations. "He was unemployed, unmarried, and lived outside
his home country. You don't issue temporary visas to people like that,"
said Camarota. According to J. Michael Springmann, Esq., former chief of
the Visa Section at the U.S. Embassy in Saudi Arabia, he would often reject
visa applications for people he was suspicious of and whose credentials
didn't check out, only to have the CIA officer over him tell him he had
to issue the visas. Find out more at What
Went Wrong on 9/11?
Has your astrologer told
you you've angered the Hindu god Shani and so you must make a journey to
a temple on the southern tip of India to pay respects? Good news. All you
have to do is go to Prarthana online
Hindu Temple services and pay someone to pay respects for you. Isn't
that nice?
If you think self-defense
is a basic human right, check out Second
Amendment Sisters.
Don't miss Harry Shearer's
version of the
Woody Allen trial. (it's near the end)
Four months after it
was reported at bartcop, three months
and three weeks after I reported it, MSNBC
is finally reporting that Bush is running around making jokes about how,
for him, 9/11 was like winning a trifecta. And they go a step further,
showing it's not only in bad taste but a lie.
For the absolute latest,
with links to every possible wire service, go to aheadnews.
Has the IRS conducted
a little illegal activity? No, the IRS has conducted a
lot of illegal activity.
Did Bush ever once violate
security laws? No, according to the SEC, Bush violated security laws four
times.
You know the tide is
turning when even the biggest
paper in Maine starts telling the truth.
Don't believe the polls.
Stupid
White Men is the #1 book in the country and the amount of anti-Bush
websites is snowballing. Check out Nitwit
Bush and Lifeboat
News and the Broadside.
I will personally give
you $1 million if you read The
Doors of Perception: Why Americans will Believe Almost Anything.
If you're worried about
how we're going to defend ourselves against the greys, you better go here.
Project SHAD, an acronym
for Shipboard Hazard and Defense, was part of the joint service chemical
and biological warfare test program conducted during the 1960s. That's
CHEMICAL AND BIOLOGICAL tests done on American citizens. Twelve SHAD projects
have been declassified.
Is it the oil? Of
course it's the oil.
"Arafat calls for democratic
elections in the United States" says Rahul
Mahajan, the Green Party candidate for Governor of Texas.
Want to know who owns
every newspaper, magazine, and TV station in the country? Check out The
Project on Media Ownership.
Here's
the place to keep track of evil-doers.
You've been stopped by
the cops. What do you do? Here's a step-by-step
guide.
Are you a villain looking
for a subterranean island base with an optional volcano upgrade? Go here.
