Hmm, I Wonder Why Starbucks had to Pull This Ad?

Smackdown of the Week

The librarians vs. the FBI.

The First Earth Battalion Manual is an ethical tactical battle manual for the army of the future. It's 5 megs in PDF format but worth it. Written and illustrated by retired Lt. Colonel Jim Channon, it's a magnificent piece of work full of actual workable ideas. You won't believe the Pentagon created such a document.

Composer John Cage is suing composer Mike Batt for copyright infringement claiming that the 60 second silent track on his CD sounds just like the 4 and a half minute silent track on a John Cage CD.

    "We didn't mean to call Ann Coulter a whore. The statement was not intended to imply that she sold her sexual favors for money, although we have no evidence either way on this. We meant she was a whore to an ideology so conservative it would disgust Heinrich Himmler, and she will say and do anything this ideology demands of her. As journalists we respect Ms. Coulter's right to express her own opinions, as dangerous, obsessive and delusional as they may be. So on the petard of our apology we hoist Ms. Ann Coulter.
    "Sorry babe.
    "And incidentally we do not have any NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER. We're sorry about that too. Search engines, please do not pick up our NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER statement, as it would be deceptive, leading people to believe that we have NAKED X-RATED PHOTOS OF ANN COULTER when we have no such thing."

- Mark McGuffin: editor of The Untrue News -

Lead George W. Bush around by the nose in this spectacular piece of flash animation.

And at IPASS (Irate People Against Senseless Shit), beautiful animation shows some startling worldwide statistics.

Hillary Clinton doesn't like it that General Mills won't put the heroes of 9/11 on the cover of Wheaties boxes.

Projections: A futurist at the movies.

Kurdish officials said "We want a democratic, pluralistic, responsible government in Iraq. That cannot come from a coup." 

A white couple had black twins after a mix-up at a fertility clinic.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

Hi, and thanks for what you're doing. 

I think that I have a talent for writing that I could mold into a career. There are millions of people like me, and they are all looking for the same things I am. I am just a creative person and I have no creative outlet selling used computers. I do have writing experience. I was an associate producer for WBTV news. Although, I never got a chance to write anything funny, which I like to do. Like most beginning writers, I just need an opportunity to show what I can do. I just don't know who to ask, or where to begin. I've never been afraid to put myself on the line, or take risks. I guess what I'm saying is that I have the skills, and I'm willing to send material to producers, but how do you find those contacts? What route do I go to get in contact with the people that make those type of decisions. Like I said, they can shoot me down all day, I just want someone to look at my ideas. For example, I sent an e-mail to god knows who at NBC (Saturday Night Live). I'm sure it was immediately deleted, and I'm positive nobody read the whole thing or passed it on, but I thought it was funny. What do you think? Well, thanks for the help. 

Drew 

Dear Drew, 

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. 

Imagine for the moment that you're Lorne Michaels. You have more than 20 full time staff writers who are the best in the biz, highly paid, each cranking out a minimum of five sketches a week. Of those 100 sketches that you already own, you decide which 25 get a rewrite. Of those 25, you decide which 15 go into rehearsal. Of those 15, you decide which 10 go in the show. 

When exactly is the time when you don't have enough material to do your show? Never. Why on earth would you ever bother with reading e-mail submissions from non-union writers when using their material would only be an enormous headache that would unquestionably piss off the actual union writers on the show who are all fighting tooth and nail to get their own material on the show? 

Reality, Andrew. Forget Saturday Night Live or any other show on television unless you know somebody there. Doesn't matter how good you are. They're not interested. 

ESPECIALLY in "ideas." Nobody wants ideas. Ideas are a dime a dozen. Everyone's got their own. Who needs yours? All that counts, I repeat, ALL THAT COUNTS is execution. What you DO with the idea. If you've got ideas for comedy sketches, finish them. Writing sketches with good beginnings, middles, and ends is MUCH harder than it looks. Want an audience? You were in the industry. USE THE CONTACTS YOU HAVE. Get back in a newsroom and start writing great copy. 

If you truly have no connections whatsoever, you're looking at the answer right now. Your computer. Post your stuff to the web. Want a sobering experience? Discover you're trying to sell something you can't even give away. 

Writing is a skill. Keep writing. The more you do it, the better you'll get at it. Get off on the act of writing itself rather than potential rewards. If you're good, you'll find an audience.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

July 8, 2002

Today's guest columnist is the man himself

ADVICE FROM HELL

Dear Satan,

What happens to the penis after orgasm?

Elroy

Dear Elroy,

It stays hard, of course. After all, the penis is a muscle. Sex exercises that muscle. Right after orgasm, a man's penis should be as hard and firm as ever and ready for another round.

Satan

Dear Satan,

What's wrong with me?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Not enough personality.

Satan

Dear Satan,

Should I marry my fiancée or abort his child and move to Hawaii?

Irene

Dear Irene,

Move to Hawaii but stop first in the Philippines and SELL your baby rather than aborting it. It'll pay for the whole trip.

Satan

Dear Satan,

I just found a suitcase full of hundred dollar bills. What should I do with it?

Ernest

Dear Ernest,

Invest it in the stock market, of course.

Satan

Dear Satan,

How do I come down from this Mescaline?

Oliver

Dear Oliver,

Stick a feather duster up your ass and run around the room polishing the furniture.

Satan

Dear Satan,

My neighbor just put a gypsy curse on me. Should I let my Doberman eat their baby?

Polly

Dear Polly,

Yes.

Satan

Dear Satan,

Should I make my man wear a condom?

Dortheen

Dear Dortheen,

Are you nuts? There are millions of sperm cells but only one egg. The chances of any sperm cell reaching that egg are infinitesimal  Give your man the bareback ride he deserves.

Satan

Dear Satan,

Paramount wants to make my movie but only if I rip the guts out of the script. Should I let them do it just so I can get it made?

Charlie

Dear Charlie,

Absolutely. Be a team player. Make the movie THEY want you to make.

Satan

Satan for President in 2004

GRAPH FROM HELL

POEM FROM HELL

Forgetfulness
by U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the heartbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read, 
never even heard of, as if, one by one, 
the memories you used to harbor decided to retire 
to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the names of the Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you try to recall the order of the planets,
something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L as far as you can recall,
well on your own way to oblivion, where you will join those
who have forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

UNDERSTATEMENT FROM HELL

After an American attack on an Afghan wedding party killed 48 people, mostly women and children, an official said "faulty intelligence may have been provided by an Afghan."

SAT QUESTION FROM HELL

Firefighters is to - starting fires in order to increase their own sense of self-worth as George Bush is to:

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

From the United States Congressional Record, March 17, 1993 - The Bankruptcy of The United States.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Why don't they change it to 'One nation under Canada?'"
- Robin Williams -

"If the management of Enron was manipulating the profits of the company, the board was completely unaware of it."
-W. Neil Eggleston: Enron Attorney-

"Our senior management team is shocked by these discoveries."
- John W. Sidgmore, WorldCom's CEO -

    "I was in Guatemala when the CIA was preparing its attack on the Arbenz government [in 1954]. Arbenz, who was a democratically elected president, mildly socialist. His state had no revenues; its biggest income maker was United Fruit Company. So Arbenz put the tiniest of taxes on bananas, and Henry Cabot Lodge got up in the Senate and said the Communists have taken over Guatemala and we must act. He got to Eisenhower, who sent in the CIA, and they overthrew the government. We installed a military dictator, and there's been nothing but bloodshed ever since.
    "Now, if I were a Guatemalan and I had the means to drop something on somebody in Washington, or anywhere Americans were, I would be tempted to do it. Especially if I had lost my entire family and seen my country blown to bits because United Fruit didn't want to pay taxes. Now, that's the way we operate. And that's why we got to be so hated."
- Gore Vidal -

"The structure of world peace cannot be the work of one man, or one party, or one nation.  It must be a peace which rests on the cooperative nature of the whole world."
- FDR, 1945 -

"Look not to the faults of others,
nor to their omissions and commissions.
But rather look to your own acts,
to what you have done and left undone."
- Buddha -

"I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly 
Or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man..."
- Chuang Tse -

CANDY FROM HELL

QUIZ FROM HELL

What do you really know about the bible?

ORIGAMI FROM HELL

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Why bother buying Perpetual War for Perpetual Peace: How We Got To Be So Hated, Gore Vidal's latest best-seller of essays published in the wake of September 11, when he summarizes it so nicely in this excellent interview?

Now that Men in Black II is the number one film in the nation, I can't help but reminisce about the time I was hired to write Men in Black Women.

You too can be a freeloader just like me. Get thy heinie over to Government Benefits and find out what you're eligible for.

What's the only show on TV that's avidly against the War on Drugs? HBO's The Wire. Read a great interview with one of its creators, David Simon. 

Why bother throwing the I Ching when this site will do it for you?

Think if we add mileage to our cars and switch to unpetroleum lip balm it'll lessen our country's reliance on oil? Yeah, right. Check out this list of other products made from crude oil and tell me you're ready to do without your bubble gum and crayons.

Is our entire country in denial?

We can imagine what it's like to be an innocent Israeli out shopping who gets blown up by a Palestinian terrorist. Not nice. But what's it like to be an innocent Palestinian having your home searched by Israeli soldiers? Also not nice.

Vice President Dick Cheney is already hard at work on a book about his brief time running the country while W was getting probed.

Yes, you too can be a right wing pundit in 12 easy lessons.

Don't tell me you've got nothing better to do than watch cat boxing.

Did you know Gene Roddenberry's "bible" for the Star Trek series was these 3,000 year old drawings of ancient Egyptian flying vehicles?