by
Paul Krassner

Forget Friendly Fire

    What was it again that Condoleezza Rice testified she couldn’t remember telling George Bush? About sleeper cells in the United States? Or was it stem cells? Does any reasonable person believe she really forgot? If she didn’t tell Bush, she’s covering her ass. If she did tell him and he did nothing, she’s covering his ass. Maybe the 9/11 commision should’ve offered her HT-0712, the “Mind Viagra” pill that restores memory in fruit flies and mice. But would that make any difference if Condi was consciously resorting to blatant deception in the guise of false memory-loss syndrome?
    Just as there’s selective memory, there’s selective deception. The infamous Oklahoma City bomber, frontman Timothy McVeigh, was a frequent guest at the home of co-conspirator Terry Nichols. He shared with Nichols an unspeakable act of domestic terrorism. And yet, Nichols’ wife, Marife Torres, testified at his state murder trial that she eventually became jealous of McVeigh because Nichols spent more time with him than he did with her and their daughter, but that during one of McVeigh’s visits, she had an affair with him - which, of course, McVeigh kept secret from Nichols.
    In order to best deceive others, one must deceive oneself until that deception becomes a reality. A Bush family member was quoted in the Los Angeles Times: “George sees this as a religious war. His view is that they are trying to kill the Christians. And the Christians will strike back with more force and more ferocity than they will ever know.”
    That’s virtually interchangeable with this utterance by Abu Bakar Bashir, an Islamic cleric and accused terrorist leader: “America’s aim in attacking Iraq is to attack Islam, so it is justified for Muslims to target America to defend themselves.”
    And so it came to pass that, after four mercenaries - oops, I mean contractors - were slaughtered in Fallujah, and consequently U.S. Marines bombed mosques where weapons of individual destruction had been stored, they shot bullets into copies of the Koran. Which only increases the perception of a religious war that Muslims must avenge. And, with provocation like that, who needs friendly fire?

Deja Fucking Vu 

    On November 26, 1958, Ed Sullivan wrote a letter to Frankie Ray Perelli, a buddy of Lenny Bruce who occasionally tried to act as his manager.
 

Dear Frank,

     In sounding out opinion along Broadway, they say that Lenny, once he is on stage, will do and say whatever he damn pleases to be spectacular, so what assurance have I from him that this will not come to pass? Our show does not go in for the Oscar Levant type of pyrotechnics.
     I’m sure that you understand my position, so why not have Lenny prepare a script of exactly what he would do on our show and rush it along to me. Jack Carter has told me that Lenny is an amazingly amusing guy, and I’d love to use him if we had built-in safeguards.

Sincerely,

Ed Sullivan

    On February 18, 2004, the FCC ruled that Bono’s utterance upon receiving a Golden Globe Award in 2003 - “This is fucking brilliant” - was “indecent and profane.” This decision reversed a previous ruling that Bono had not violated broadcast standards because his use of the offending word was isolated and nonsexual. You see, it was merely an adjective. Thus, I could go on the air and say “finger” as long as it was a noun, but I could get in trouble if I used it as a verb. But now Commissioner Michael Powell says that the FCC will treat virtually all use of vulgar language as indecent.
    And, of course, New York Governor George Pataki has revoked his posthumous pardon of Lenny Bruce.

Mel Gibson’s Nightmare

    My favorite review of The Passion of the Christ appears in the online publication Ain’t It Cool News and includes this paragraph:

    “The last shot of The Passion of the Christ is of Jesus getting up from the dead and walking out of his grave. This is the perfect movie to see right before Dawn of the Dead because it’s like Jesus was the original zombie (only super good-looking and not smelly), so when Dawn opens it’s like it’s a sequel. Now it’s thousands of years later and the being-a-zombie thing that Jesus started has caught on. In fact, Jesus in the first movie is always telling his buddies to eat his skin and drink his blood. So now it’s today, and the zombie followers are taking that idea really fucking seriously.”
    And, reports the Bangor (Maine) Daily News, no charges will be filed against a 23-year-old man who tried to crucify himself after seeing - no, not The Passion of the Christ, but rather, “pictures of God on the computer.” He took two pieces of wood, nailed them together in the form of a cross and placed it on his living-room floor. He proceeded to hammer one of his hands to the cross, using a 14-penny nail.
    According to a county sheriff spokesperson, “When he realized that he was unable to nail his other hand to the board, he called 911.”
    It was unclear, however, whether he was seeking assistance for his injury or help in nailing his other hand down.

One Nation Under Carlin 

    There are specific personality quirks that epitomize individuals in my mind. Donald Rumsfeld always wears a device that keeps a record of how many steps he takes, and he is certainly anal retentive. William Burroughs would not use a file folder until he had painted it in swirling colors, and making art was his life. Martha Stewart complained to Merrill Lynch about the music they played while her telephone call was on hold, and she is the personification of assertiveness. And that’s a good thing. Assertiveness is the force of evolution.
    But now she’s been found guilty of not being Kenneth Lay, and it must be awfully depressing and scary for her. George Carlin wonders what her suicide note would be like--probably “on flowery stationery written in calligraphy.” 
    Many years ago, Carlin and I had a conversation about religion, and - just like Martha Stewart’s friend who testified that she wasn’t sure whether it was Martha or herself who said how nice it was to have a broker who gives you private help - I haven’t been sure whether it was Carlin or me who said, “Did you ever notice that whenever people pray, they’re always talking to themselves?”
    So I checked with Carlin to see if he remembered.
    “The background idea,” he says, “was that I had come to the conclusion that they have in Eastern thought, that it’s all one energy and there’s just different frequencies and vibrations. Everything you see, every one of us came out of the middle of a star at one time or another, a bottlecap, a cigarette butt, the World Trade Center - all came out of the middle of a star. So my conclusion was: Therefore, I know I’m part of everything and everything’s part of me, and I’m perfectly safe in the universe because it’s only me out there, and the thought was if it’s only me out there, when I pray, I’m sort of praying to myself, I’m praying to the God in me that can get things done, but I give him the authority - I’m talking theoretically, I don’t really do this--but I kind of give him the authority, ‘Please, God, help me pass that test, please, God, I gotta pass that test.’ Well, that takes some of the weight off your shoulders, so I think basically you’re asking yourself to do a little more, get in there and help yourself a little more. But I can’t remember having condensed that into a sentence.”
    Did you ever notice that whenever people pray, they’re always practicing the ultimate form of insider trading?

Paul Krassner is the author of Murder At the Conspiracy Convention and Other American Absurdities; George Carlin’s introduction can be found at http://www.paulkrassner.com
 
 

Letter of the Week

     Mordechai Vanunu, the nuclear whistleblower who has spent the past 18 years in an Israeli prison is set to be released this Wednesday, April 21. He is the Nelson Mandela of Israel. I just got this from Jack Cohen-Joppa of the U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu.

BACKGROUND: In 1986, at the height of the Cold War, Mordechai Vanunu's clandestine photos from inside the Dimona nuclear center exposed its secrets and confirmed Israel to be a major nuclear weapons power. Kidnapped by Israeli agents just before his story was told in The Sunday Times of London, Vanunu was convicted of espionage and treason in a secret trial. He acted out of a belief that in a democracy, people should know about and debate such a pivotal issue as nuclear weapons.

INTERNATIONAL CONDEMNATION AS LAWYERS APPEAL
"A SPECIAL PRISON JUST FOR MORDECHAI VANUNU."

     Lawyers representing Mordechai Vanunu on Sunday appealed Israel's plan to bar the long-imprisoned nuclear whistleblower from travel within or outside of Israel, and from all contact with foreigners, when he is released from prison on Wednesday. Vanunu has spent nearly 18 years in prison, most of it in solitary confinement.
    "This is just the continuation of his confinement with different conditions," said Oded Feller, of the Association for Civil Rights in Israel (ACRI).
    "Pentagon Papers" whistleblower Daniel Ellsberg declared from San Francisco, "The outrageous and illegal restrictions proposed to be inflicted on him when he finally steps out of prison should be widely protested and rejected, not only because they violate his fundamental human rights but because the world needs to hear this free man's voice."
   The ACRI's Oded delivered Vanunu's appeal to Interior Minister Avraham Poraz and Home Front commander Major General Yair Naveh, who both signed the decree. If rejected, Vanunu's appeal will then be brought to Israel's High Court.
    Mordechai Vanunu has served his full 18 year sentence. He has no more nuclear secrets to tell about Dimona, and he has promised never to name other workers he knew.
    "For his loyalty to the public interest he has been excessively punished. To restrict his right of free movement and free speech upon his release would bring the treatment of Vanunu to new, unimaginable levels of illegality and cruelty." said Fredrik S. Heffermehl of Norway, Vice President of International Association of Lawyers Against Nuclear Arms (IALANA).
   The nearly 100 human rights and anti-nuclear activists from 14 countries in Israel to welcome the prisoner to freedom "will not be able to greet him face-to-face, shake his hand, embrace, or break bread with Vanunu without putting him at risk to be immediately arrested and returned to prison," said Rayna Moss of the Israeli Committee for Mordechai Vanunu and for a Middle East Free of Atomic, Biological and Chemical Weapons.
   "This is a destructive decision for Mordechai" said Mary Eoloff of Minnesota. Mary and her husband Nicholas Eoloff adopted Vanunu several years ago and are among the rare few permitted to visit the prisoner. They have prepared a room in their home to help him reestablish his life, but now may not even be allowed to correspond with their son. A visit scheduled at the prison for Monday, April 19 could be their last words with Mordechai for the foreseeable future.
   "This is an outrageous injustice not fitting for a democratic nation," said Felice Cohen-Joppa, Coordinator of the U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu, who is now in Israel.
    "With these restrictions, the Israeli government is building a special prison just for Mordechai Vanunu."
    The U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu asks people of good will to call or fax the Israeli Embassy in Washington, DC, and demand that the restrictions be dropped and Mordechai Vanunu be permitted to leave Israel immediately after his release from prison on April 21.

     A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
    While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, a drunk in line behind her stated, "You must be single."
    The woman was a bit startled by this ejaculation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition since she was indeed single. Looking at the six items on the belt and observing nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have informed him as to her marital status, she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
    The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

- Planet Proctor -

Condoleezza
Sung to the tune of Mona Lisa

Condoleezza, Condoleezza, Clarke has named you,
Said you missed the dangers of bin Laden's guile.
You're of course a proxy for the guy he's after,
But you'll mask your inner bile with a smile.
Do you share all of the views of your employer?
Or hide doubts about some actions you deplore?
Many schemes have been dropped in your in-box,
Some were hazy, some plain crazy.
Rest assured, come what may, this November,
You'll end up with a think tank sinecure.

For more political verse: www.beltwaybard.com

The EPA, after consulting with the rat-poison industry, has shelved draft regulations designed to make it harder for children to ingest poisons.

Saddam Hussein's wife was allowed a brief visit. She says, unequivocally, that the man they have captured is not her husband.

Okay, get out your checkbook. Now. Do it. I'm waiting. See that line where you put your signature? It's not a line, it's very small text. Here's a very small segment of what mine looks like...

You don't have to trust me. Check it out. Get out a magnifying glass or put one in the scanner and crank it. You'll see I'm right. What does it say? Seems unintelligible. What does it mean? I've only seen one explanation and it's a doozy. According to Skip Ellsworth...

    It might be extremely advantageous for  you to purchase and register your property in your "true and Proper name."  It appears that your government will  always try to register your property through the use of your name written in  "all upper-case letters" -- in the following way: "ALBERT J. JOHNSON" [which creates a "legal fiction"] instead of using your "true and  Proper" name [which must be written in both "upper and lower case" letters]  -- as follows: "Albert J. Johnson" .
    I will buy lunch for the first  person who can register the purchase of his property (at either the County or  State level) using his "true and Proper" name -- instead of in the "legal  fiction" [look it up in "Black's Law Dictionary"] name that is written using  only "upper case" letters.
    In fact, I will buy lunch for the first  person who can get the American government (at any level) to enter into ANY  contract with him through the use of his "true and Proper name."
   For instance the following documents that you accepted from your government are all "contracts" (Driver's License, Social Security Card, Voter's Registration Card, Credit Cards, motor vehicle title, motor vehicle registration, Summons and Complaints, the registration of your real estate for taxation, etc.).
    "Not surprisingly, your name on all of the above-mentioned contracts has been "converted" into a "legal fiction." Even your bank account is not in your "true and Proper" name. Instead, it is in the name of a "legal fiction."    Do you know what it means when you  accept the "misuse" (it is not a mere "miss-spelling") of your name written in  all capital letters ???
    Because the above-described legal fiction is a creation of government, it appears that the following Maxim of Law applies: "The government has the right to absolutely control [e.g. disregarding the Constitution] anything that it creates."

     "The FAA disarmed airline pilots in late 1987. OK, fast forward now to July of 2001. Airline pilots have been defenseless for over a dozen years and a flood of intelligence reports warn that Al Queda might hijack an airliner soon. Interestingly, in the thicket of the Federal Aviation Regulations, there remained a little known and completely unused provision that allowed individual airlines to arm their pilots. Coincidentally, the FAA chose July of 2001 to start the process of removing that regulation from the books. The sad irony is that the process was completed in September of 2001. The very month that airliners were used as guided bombs was the month that the FAA made it official that no airline pilot could ever be armed." 
- Secure Skies -

    "On May 15, 2001, I blasted the Bush administration for rewarding the Taliban for 'controlling' the opium crop with $43 million in U.S. aid to Afghanistan, to be distributed by an arm of the United Nations. Secretary of State Colin L. Powell announced the gift, specifically mentioning the opium suppression as the rationale and assuring that the U.S. would 'continue to look for ways to provide more assistance to the Afghans.'
    "Five months before 9/11, I publicly challenged the wisdom of supporting a regime that backed Al Qaeda: 'Never mind that Osama bin Laden still operates the leading anti-American terror operation from his base in Afghanistan, from which, among other crimes, he launched two bloody attacks on American embassies in Africa in 1998.' I'm not clairvoyant, but I didn't need my own CIA to know that it's self-destructive to reward a regime that harbors the world's most dangerous terrorists.
    "After 9/11, the column was dug up by bloggers and widely distributed and debated on the Internet. Defenders of the administration attacked it as a distortion, arguing that because the money was targeted as humanitarian aid, the U.S. was not actually helping the Taliban. Yet this specious distinction ignored the context of Powell's glowing remarks, and it failed to explain a similarly toned follow-up meeting Aug. 2, 2001, in Islamabad, Pakistan, which gave the Taliban similar kid-glove treatment. That meeting, held between Christina B. Rocca, assistant secretary of State for South Asia, and Abdul Salam Zaeef, the Taliban ambassador to Pakistan, took place four days before Bush received his now-infamous briefing on the imminent threat from Al Qaeda agents who were already in sleeper cells in this country, armed with explosives.
    "Yet Rocca said nothing to the Taliban's ambassador about Al Qaeda's continuing threat to kill Americans, ignoring the fact that the Taliban and Al Qaeda leaders were at that point inseparable, financially, militarily and ideologically."
- Robert Scheer: Drug War Led Bush Astray Before 9/11 -

Circumstantial evidence: There has never been an exact accounting of how the $43 million was spent.

    "It appears that, unbeknownst to Westerners, there have actually been, for quite some time now, two competing theories concerning the origins of petroleum. One theory claims that oil is an organic 'fossil fuel' deposited in finite quantities near the planet's surface. The other theory claims that oil is continuously generated by natural processes in the Earth's magma. One theory is backed by a massive body of research representing fifty years of intense scientific inquiry. The other theory is an unproven relic of the eighteenth century. So which theory have we in the West, in our infinite wisdom, chosen to embrace? Why, the fundamentally absurd 'Fossil Fuel' theory, of course -- the same theory that the 'Peak Oil' doomsday warnings are based on.
   "In August 2002, the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences published a study authored by J.F. Kenney, V.A. Kutchenov, N.A. Bendeliani and V.A. Alekseev. The authors argued, quite compellingly, that oil is not created from organic compounds at the temperatures and pressures found close to the surface of the earth, but rather is created from inorganic compounds at the extreme temperatures and pressures present only near the core of the earth."
- The Center for an Informed America -

"The lunatic is a man who lives in a small world but thinks it is a large one."
- Gilbert Keith Chesterton -

"No new work of art comes into existence (whether consciously or unconsciously) without an organic link to what was created earlier. But it is equally true that a healthy conservatism must be flexible both in terms of creation and perception, remaining equally sensitive to the old and to the new, to venerable and worthy traditions, and to the freedom to explore, without which no future can ever be born. At the same time, the artist must not forget that creative freedom can be dangerous, for the fewer artistic limitations he imposes on his own work, the less chance he has for artistic success. The loss of a responsible organizing force weakens or even ruins the structure, the meaning and ultimate value of a work of art."
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: The Relentless Cult of Novelty and How it Wrecked the Century -

"If a great artist spits, it is art."
- Pablo Picasso -

"The older dictators fell because they could never supply their subjects with enough bread, enough circuses, enough miracles, and mysteries. Under a scientific dictatorship, education will really work, with the result that most men and women will grow up to love their servitude and will never dream of revolution. There seems to be no good reason why a thoroughly scientific dictatorship should ever be overthrown."
- Aldous Huxley: Brave New World Revisited -

"Since the Sun God (and his various relations, including sons and wives) were, after several thousands years of worship, beginning to fray around the edges in terms of believability, and a lot commoners were beginning to grumble that this stuff was all made up, the Illuminati came up with a new and improved version of their mind control software that didn't depend upon the Sun God or Moon Goddess for ultimate authority."
- Jim Keith: Saucers of the Illuminati -

"The doctrine of man playing god reaches its nadir in the philosophy of scientism which makes possible the complete mental, spiritual and physical enslavement of mankind through technologies such as satellite and computer surveillance; a state of affairs symbolized by the 'All Seeing Eye' above the unfinished pyramid on the U.S. one dollar bill."
- Michael Hoffman -

"Those who call the shots are never in the line of fire."
- Ani DiFranco -

"The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people — that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature." 
- James Thurber -

"While the situation in Iraq has exploded -- both literally and figuratively -- what has Mr. Bush been up to? Has he rushed back to Washington to meet face to face with his top military and civilian defense advisers? Has he called for a summit of the heads of state of his 'coalition of the willing' to discuss their next move? Has he publicly called upon the leaders of the surrounding Arab states to act as intermediaries? Has he addressed the American people to assure them in this hour of crisis? No, he's been too busy bass fishing on his ranch in Crawford with his father for any of that."
- Michael Shannon: Bush: The Ultimate Failure -

    "You don't have to listen to Stern. Exercising the same freedom, I am Limbaugh-free. And please don't tell me that Stern must be fined and driven off the radio because he uses the 'public airwaves.' If they are public, then his listeners are the public, and we want to listen to him on our airwaves. The public airwaves cannot be held hostage to a small segment that wants to decide what the rest of us can hear -- especially now that President Bush supports consolidating more and more media outlets into a few rich hands.
   "But listen carefully. I support Limbaugh's right to be on the radio. I feel it is fully equal to Stern's. I find it strange that so many Americans describe themselves as patriotic when their values are anti-democratic and totalitarian. We are all familiar with Voltaire's great cry: 'I may disagree with what you say, but I shall defend, to the death, your right to say it.' Ideas like his helped form the emerging American republic. Today, the Federal Communications Commission operates under an alternative slogan: 'Since a minority that is very important to this administration disagrees with what you say, shut up.'"
- Roger Ebert: Stern belongs on radio just as much as Rush -

    "First, can we stop the Orwellian language and start using the proper names for things? Those are not 'contractors' in Iraq. They are not there to fix a roof or to pour concrete in a driveway. They are MERCENARIES and SOLDIERS OF FORTUNE. They are there for the money, and the money is very good if you live long enough to spend it. Halliburton is not a 'company' doing business in Iraq. It is a WAR PROFITEER, bilking millions from the pockets of average Americans. In past wars they would have been arrested -- or worse.
    "The Iraqis who have risen up against the occupation are not 'insurgents' or 'terrorists' or 'The Enemy.' They are the REVOLUTION, the Minutemen, and their numbers will grow -- and they will win.
    "Get it, Mr. Bush? You closed down a friggin' weekly newspaper, you great giver of freedom and democracy! Then all hell broke loose. The paper only had 10,000 readers! Why are you smirking?"
- Michael Moore -

    "Unlike many other terrorist attacks, these attacks killed people whose family, friends and neighbors understand how these financial systems work. Victim families, friends and the residents of the communities directly harmed can calculate who made money on 9-11 profiteering. They can trace the flow of money into the 2004 Presidential campaign coffers from the profits your supporters made as a result of 9-11 profiteering. They can calculate how 9-11 profiteering connects to the financing and silence of corporate media.
    "Those personally impacted and the global researchers they network with have the intellectual power and personal courage to ask and answer, Cui Bono? (Who Benefits?) They understand that your success as National Security Advisor is as a direct result of your failure to stop 9-11. They can see how your lies about 9-11 made money for the investment syndicate that put you in power and for the buyers of US Treasury securities who are so richly paid to finance the US military, intelligence and enforcement apparatus and the defense contractors and oil interests it serves."
- Catherine Austin Fitts, Former Assistant Secretary of Housing: AN OPEN LETTER TO CONDOLEEZZA RICE: "You Are a Liar" -

"In his press conference last Tuesday, an event incited by the desperation of declining polls, Mr. Bush swayed towards three main themes, the first being that he has unshakable faith in freedom and democracy to perform global miracles -- taking into account the tacit precept that if the Iraqis, or any other unwashed miscreants, should freely choose some form of government not comporting with the prevailing American model of corporate capitalism by, say, nationalizing the oil fields, or should they choose to elect an ideological brother of Ayatollah Khomeini -- we would take the liberty of stubbornly insisting they alter their political opinions at the business end of a gun barrel. This is why all Iraqis feel a sense of relief that the oppressive Saddam Hussein is gone: Under Saddam, they had a dictatorial strongman running a sham puppet government; under Bush, they'll have a sham puppet government run by a dictatorial strongman."
- R.S. Janes -

"We must stay the course."
- Dubya -

"What course?"
- nobody at the press conference -

"If you were a fascist dictator bent on taking over the world, how would you behave any differently?"
- nobody else at the press conference -

"There can be no security anywhere in the free world if there is no fiscal and economic stability within the United States."
- Ronald Reagan's acceptance speech for Goldwater: 1964 Republican National Convention -

"Republicans and Communists have more in common than they realize. Both parties seem to want a society based on oligarchy. They only disagree on who should make up the oligarchy."
- Stalzy -

"Main Entry: ol·i·gar·chy
Pronunciation: 'ä-l&-"gär-kE, 'O-
Function: noun
1: government by the few
2: a government in which a small group exercises control especially for corrupt and selfish purposes; also : a group exercising such control"
- Merriam-Webster Online -

"History. We don't know. We'll all be dead."
- Dubya's answer to Bob Woodward's question "How will history view the war?" -

"Democracy encourages bad leadership."
- Plato's Republic -

"One evil empire down, one to go."
- Michael Moore: The Big One -

"War is easy. Anyone can go to war. People have been slaughtering each other for thousands of years. There is no honor in war as it represents the failure of peace. Peace is hard. Peace take intelligence and courage. Peace requires the discipline to move beyond the hate. Peace takes more courage than war does. The truly brave are not those who give in to war - but those who make the peace."
- Marc Perkel -

"Because the tax cuts are so tilted toward the highest-income households and become even more so over time, as some of the upper-income tax cuts phase-in the burden of financing these lopsided tax cuts ultimately is likely to be borne disproportionately by households who gain only modestly from the tax cuts. This will be the case unless off-setting spending cuts or tax increases are enacted that reduce benefits or raise taxes primarily on high-income households. As a result, over the long term most Americans may well be net losers from the tax cuts."
- Isaac Shapiro and Joel Friedman: TAX RETURNS - A Comprehensive Assessment of the Bush Administration's Record on Cutting Taxes -

"The world's existence is sustained by kindliness. The very existence of those bereft of it burdens the earth."
- Tirukkural 58:572 -

    "Last week 20-year-old Michelle Witmer, who had joined the National Guard as a military policeman to help with her college expenses, was buried, having been killed in an ambush in Iraq. The U.S. Army is now offering her two sisters, who also were serving in a Guard unit in Iraq, a choice of not returning to Iraq.
   "Why not give the same choice to all the other soldiers serving in Iraq, including those 20,000 troops whose one-year tour of duty is now being involuntarily extended? After all, the president and the Pentagon continue to tell us that the troops believe in what they’re doing in Iraq. Why not put that claim to the test? And what better way to test it than by offering the same choice to the all other troops that the Pentagon has offered to the surviving Witmer sisters? That would mean, of course, that the Pentagon would also have to discontinue its prosecution of Staff Sgt. Camilo Mejia, who has refused out of conscience to return to Iraq to take part in what he believes is an 'oil-driven war.'”
- Hornberger’s Blog -

"5) Beginning in the summer of 2001, Ashcroft stopped flying commercial airlines and traveled exclusively by private jet because of an FBI 'threat assessment.' What, exactly, did the threat assessment say? Why is the threat assessment still being withheld from the public?"
- Judd Legum: 10 questions for John Ashcroft - When the 9/11 commission grills the Attorney General Tuesday, here's what they should ask -

"Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."
- Putt's Law -

• Patrick Henry's "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" Speech
• Free Bumperstickers
• Studio Script Notes on The Passion by Steve Martin
• In the Eyes of the Law, I'm a Criminal by Montel Williams and Lawrence Grobel
• Why I'm Not a Terrorist
• My Candidate: John Buchanan: Bush's GOP Challenger Detained by US Secret Service
• Republican Zen Bastard: Meet the Republican who will Challenge Bush by Paul Krassner
• Zen Bastard: Predictions for 2004 by Paul Krassner
• Making the Yoke Obsolete
• Good News/Bad News about Saddam's Capture
• Zen Bastard: Blowjobs, Ballet, Baggies - the parts left out of the Reagan movie by Paul Krassner
• Tips on Junk Calls by Ken Rubin
• The Worst Commercial on Television
• Marketing Ploys from Hell
• Zen Bastard: Threats Against the President by Paul Krassner
• The Bush/Nazi Connection: Journalist John Buchanan gets targeted
• Why Schwarzenegger Gropes
• Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press
• Me and Monty Python
• Special 9/11 "Don't Take My Word for It"
• Zen Bastard: Who's Need to Know? by Paul Krassner
• Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (An Other Triumph For George W. And You Cannot Prove Those Are My Baboon Noses So Stop Saying That!!)
• Mordechai Vanunu: The Prisoner of Zion by Mary La Rosa
• Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (I Am Not Fair and Balanced and I Am Not A Sissy For Having A George W. Bush Doll So Stop Saying That!!)
• Bob Hope's Last Monologue from Heaven by Lynette Sheffield
• Inside/Outside #1: The Riddicks vs. Judge Burrell by Billy Hayes
• The California Choice
• Why I'm Against Gay Marriage
• Creation Science Fair Proves God Exists by Tom Norris
• What Would Jesus Do About Cramps? by Nancy Cain
• Summer Reading or Harry Potter vs. What's-His-Face
• Scumbags of the Week - Letter to the RIAA
• Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah
• The Israeli Wall
• Dream Job or How Disinfotainment Today Almost Came Out in Print
• Celebrities vs. the United States Government
• Test of the National Homeland Reconciliation and Healing System
• The Still Missing Artifacts
• Why Bush is Nothing Like Hitler
• Tim Robbins' Speech to theNational Press Club
• Randy Newman's "Follow the Flag"
• How I would Re-Write the Bill of Rights by Satan
• I Didn't See the News Today, Oh Boy
• Global Voice by Jim Channon
• Daniel Ellsberg's Review of the Made-for-TV Movie The Pentagon Papers
• The Lemon Pledge of Allegiance
• U.S. Diplomat's Letter of Resignation
• Message from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
• Obfuscation of the Week: Who grows the most opium? We do.
• Urgent Plea for Assistance from George W. Bush
• How I Got the Rights to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
• Please Help the FBI Find These People
• The Adventures of Xarvon: Alien Investigator
• The Under-Reported Story of the Year - Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush
• Why I'm Optimistic About the Future by Paul Krassner
• Booze (A movie I'd like to see)
• Hope (after the election)
• The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu
• Special Halloween/Election Issue
• What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin?
• Forwarded E-mail from Satan
• A Letter from Tom Robbins
• Good Thing/Bad Thing - American Foreign Policy
• The Ultimate Politically Correct Flag and Pledge of Allegiance
• A Letter from Paul Krassner
• The History of Denials