Quiz of the Week

If I say this is red, you will immediately know one of four things: 

a) There's something wrong with your screen.
b) You didn't click on the link.
c) I'm insane.
d) I'm trying to be funny.

You may proceed if you choose d):

If anybody says anything that contradicts what you can see with your own damn eyes, you will immediately know one of three things:

a) There's something wrong with your brain.
b) They're insane.
c) They're trying to be funny.

You may proceed if you choose d):

If you say something that contradicts what everyone else can see with their own damn eyes, they will immediately know one of three things:

a) You are insane.
b) You are insane.
c) You are trying to be funny.

You may proceed if you choose a) or b):

If God was a watermelon would he be:

a) seedless.
b) seedful.
c) just trying to be funny.

It's that time of year again when network executives roll out their new fall schedules. Here's what's "new" for this fall: 

CBS: The Tiffany web has eight new entries, all with "CSI" in the title. My personal favorite is "CSI: Survivor," the first reality show to kill off a contestant each week. If it works, look for a celebrity version. 

NBC: With no hits other than Donald Trump's "The Apprentice," the peacock has ordered ten new shows from The Donald, among them, "Call Me a Cab," "Pick Up My Laundry," and "Scrape The Crap Off My Shoe." 

ABC: Disney's pinning its hopes on "Extreme Pillsbury Bake-Off," which pits American housewives against Japanese sumo wrestlers in a contest whose rules were still being worked out at press time. 

FOX: Not content to wait until fall to cancel its new shows, Fox will instead begin canceling them this summer when they debut six series one month early, all of them having something to do with embarrassing talentless people, a proven formula. 

WB: The WB hopes it can turn a profit this year by cutting costs, so all seven of its new shows have the same cast, plot, and location. They could have saved more by not filming the shows in the first place, but that's too logical. 

UPN: This network went off the air two years ago, but nobody noticed.

(Mr. TV is not responsible for his opinions.)

Letter of the Week

Dear Mr. Dare, 

I feel I need to react to certain comparisons made from time to time between the mistakes of Mr. Clinton and Mr. Bush. As we know, Mr. Clinton's biggest mistake was that he was caught with his pants down. And Mr. Bush's biggest mistake was that he was caught with exposed weapon as well, but unfortunately not in metaphoric sense. 

No matter what double entendres one used to find similarities in these two, the fact is that they are incomparable. I would rather see a video of Clinton and Lewinsky in flagranti (if there was any) ten times than to see the beheading of Nick Berg just once. 

To make it clear: what Clinton did (with whomever) was a pleasant act of unity of two bodies and two minds that really wanted it and enjoyed it. It is called sex and, as long as everybody's doing it out of free will, it is beautiful. Clinton is a very charming man and I don't think he ever needed to force anybody to anything. Therefore, the only ones who might've found themselves hurt or insulted by this were the members of his family. 

What Bush does is destroying other countries and making other people's lives miserable. It is not nice at all because the affected people were never asked if they agree with it and if they were, I don't think the answer would've been positive. Basically, what Bush does is similar to rape. Rape is not nice. It deserves all the loathing and abomination of the world. 

Yet there are people who were near to impeaching Clinton for having sex (the nice, pleasant thing we all do on the weekends and then we come to work on Monday with that big "you-know-what" grin on our faces). Where are those people now, when the basic human rights are being violated under the consent of a leader whose charms can hardly compete with those of a manic-depressive baboon? I'm sorry, but I don't know what to think about the world in which there is more loathing shown for people having sex than people leading wars. In any case I don't feel like bringing kids into such world. 

Call me a hippie, but I think all of them - Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld - should take this alternative into consideration. I mean sex. I know they might've given up on it after they found out they could hardly get any without forcing anyone to it - but it's still worth trying. They would find it is far more fun than the occupation of Arabic countries. And there are far less aggravating consequences (especially if you "take care", you know what I mean, nudge-nudge). 

But those who worry me the most are those normal, common people who still think that the war in Iraq was OK and the Clinton-Lewinsky affair wasn't. There are thousands of them. I'm too afraid to think there might be even millions of them. It is the people with a right to vote. If nothing else can change their minds, somebody should tell them that they'll end up in hell if they go on thinking that way. 

I don't know what else to say. I really appreciate your work and wish you to keep on with it. And to keep on making at least one person happy through sex (you know, that thing that Clinton invented) than millions of them miserable through wars and voting for wrong people. 

Sincerely, 

Anna Heberer, Germany

Great Minds Think Alike

Ism is a rap band with no problem saying what's on their mind, which, at the moment is Fuck the FCC!

Eric Idle has more manners about the whole thing. Check out his charming little ditty for the FCC, Fuck You Very Much.

Hmmm of the Week

Way back on Sept. 18, 2001, I made a modest proposal which could have prevented the whole Abu Ghraib prison scandal. If only they had listened. Reprinted without my permission...

There's a 1964 film starring James Garner called "36 Hours." As written by Roald Dahl, who later became one of the greatest children's authors of all time with "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "James and the Giant Peach," it tells the tale of an army major who wakes up from a coma in a VA hospital after the war. His first question, of course, is "Did we win?" He's told America did indeed win the war, that the invasion of France was a complete success. He says "Thank God the attack at Normandy worked."

It's all just a ruse. It's actually a German Hospital full of actors who speak perfect English, it's actually BEFORE D-Day, and he has just given away our invasion plans to the enemy. 

Good idea. Here's the plan. 

We capture Osama bin Laden [or any of his cohorts] and knock them out. We crank them full of LSD and sodium pentathol and let them wake up in paradise with the 77 virgins he's expecting to greet him, a Dept. of Defense/Dreamworks Production. Let him meet Allah, played by Charlton Heston, but only if Regis Philbin isn't available. Allah says "Welcome to paradise. It's time for the final reckoning. Many acts were done in your name for which I wish to give you credit. Tell me all you did or planned to do in my name." 

And they spill the beans. We find out everything they did or planned to do, information that would be totally lost by just killing them. 

Then Allah pulls off his fake beard and says "Surprise!"

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

The new Skull and Bones is "Opus Dei," an offshoot of the Catholic Church that all the neo-cons are joining. Don't take my word for it. Look it up at Google.
 

Gallery of the Week

The Cutest Goddam Sushi in the World
(you just know this trend has got to move from Japan to the US)

Finish your Shakespeare Before Dessert

SONNET XXXV

No more be grieved at that which thou hast done:
Roses have thorns, and silver fountains mud;
Clouds and eclipses stain both moon and sun,
And loathsome canker lives in sweetest bud.
All men make faults, and even I in this,
Authorizing thy trespass with compare,
Myself corrupting, salving thy amiss,
Excusing thy sins more than thy sins are;
For to thy sensual fault I bring in sense--
Thy adverse party is thy advocate--
And 'gainst myself a lawful plea commence:
Such civil war is in my love and hate
That I an accessary needs must be
To that sweet thief which sourly robs from me.

And Blockbuster is Going to Start Sticking it's 
Fingers Down Your Throat and Making you Barf

 McDonalds is going to start renting DVDs.

A "Clear Strategy" for the Future of Television

"The broadcast networks are not expected to carry President Bush's Primetime speech Monday night, in which he will lay out a 'clear strategy' for the future of Iraq."
- Nellie Andreeva: Networks won't air Bush's primetime speech, Address on future of Iraq will be aired on MSNBC-TV -

Song of the Week

 Al Roker
Sung to the tune of "Tomorrow" from the Broadway show "Annie"

Al Roker
Al Roker
I luvs yuh
Al Roker
You're only a dream away

Don't Take My Word For It

"But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet to warn the people and the sword comes and takes the life of one of them, that man will be taken away because of his sin, but I will hold the watchman accountable for his blood."
- Ezekial 33:6 -

"One of the strange things about it is that politics is now presented in terms of politicians and not politics. I don't think the media are interested in politics. They're interested in politicians, which is a wholly different subject."
- Tony Ben, former member of the British Parliament, in Orwell Rolls in his Grave -

"A cough drop the governor reputedly sucked on, then tossed half-finished into a trash can, was put up for auction on eBay, listed under the heading 'Schwarzenegger's DNA.' It was just as quickly taken down after eBay decided it fell into the category of 'body parts,' which the Web site will not list for sale."
- The Associated Press: Schwarzenegger cough drop pulled off eBay -

"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have eBay working for you."
- Will Rogers updated -

"A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are worth committing."
- Samuel Butler -

"When you're up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that you started out to drain the swamp."
- Robert Anton Wilson, Shrödinger's Cat -

"Sometimes I go into my own little world. But that's okay: they know me there."
- Joel Hodgeson: SNL -

"The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote."
- Kosh: Babylon 5 -

"My heroes are Larry Bird, Admiral Byrd, Lady Bird, Sheryl Crow, Chick Corea, the inventor of birdseed and anyone who reads to you even if she's tired."
- Big Bird -

"It's taken more than 50 years of TV evolution, but the prime-time rerun is rapidly becoming an endangered species. With the six broadcast networks unveiling their 2004-05 schedules to advertisers this week, it's become clearer than ever that TV bosses are taking sledgehammers to the templates that have ruled nightly household viewing since the waning years of the Truman administration."
- Scott Collins: Network Reruns Going the Way of Rabbit Ears -

    "Of 415 historians who expressed a view of President Bush's administration to this point as a success or failure, 338 classified it as a failure and 77 as a success. (Moreover, it seems likely that at least eight of those who said it is a success were being sarcastic, since seven said Bush's presidency is only the best since Clinton's and one named Millard Fillmore.) Twelve percent of all the historians who responded rate the current presidency the worst in all of American history, not too far behind the 19 percent who see it at this point as an overall success.
    "Among the cautions that must be raised about the survey is just what 'success' means. Some of the historians rightly pointed out that it would be hard to argue that the Bush presidency has not so far been a political successor, for that matter that President Bush has not been remarkably successful in achieving his objectives in Congress. But those meanings of success are by no means incompatible with the assessment that the Bush presidency is a disaster. 'His presidency has been remarkably successful,' one historian declared, 'in its pursuit of disastrous policies.' 'I think the Bush administration has been quite successful in achieving its political objectives,' another commented, 'which makes it a disaster for us.'"
- Robert S. McElvaine: Historians vs. George W. Bush - 

"A citizens' tribunal Saturday in Tokyo found U.S. President George W. Bush guilty of war crimes for attacking civilians with indiscriminate weapons and other arms during the U.S.-led antiterrorism operations in Afghanistan in 2001."
- Nao Shimoyachi: Depleted Uranium Shells Decried -

"Ann Coulter is a sociopath. And what she does is  drag our culture down to a more aggressive, meaner, anti-intellectual kind of Redneck Nation. My contention is that she is a performance artist. I contend that she is, indeed, Andy Kaufman."
- Janeane Garofalo: Air America Radio, March 31, 2004 -

"We're going to keep building the party until we're hunting Democrats with dogs." 
- Sen. Phil Gramm (R-Texas), Mother Jones, 08-95 -

"Probably nothing." 
- Jeb Bush, during his losing 1994 bid for Florida Governor, when asked what he would do for black people, quoted by Salon on 10-05-02 -

"Quit looking at the symbols. Get out and get a job. Quit shooting each other. Quit having illegitimate babies." 
- State Rep. John Graham Altman (R-SC), addressing African-American concerns about the 'symbol' of the Confederate Flag, The New York Times, 01-24-97 -

"Casual drug users should be shot... Dealers should be beheaded. I have no moral problem with beheadings."
- Bill Bennett -

"Two things made this country great: White men & Christianity. The degree these two have diminished is in direct proportion to the corruption and fall of the nation. Every problem that has arisen can be directly traced back to our departure from God's Law and the disenfranchisement of White men." 
- State Rep. Don Davis (R-NC), e-mailed to every member of the North Carolina House and Senate, reported by The Fayetteville Observer, 08-22-01 -

     "In a Disney-esque approach to guerrilla warfare, U.S. Army commanders here are hiring suspected members of a Shiite Muslim militia to help rebuild a rusted and abandoned amusement park that once drew thousands of families with its Ferris wheel, bumper cars, fountains and grassy picnic areas.
    "The plan may sound far-fetched. But commanders in the 2nd Armored Cavalry Regiment say it's based on this simple premise: Enemy fighters don't have time to fire rockets or mortar shells if they're busy earning a living. Rebuilding the amusement park should occupy dozens of men for weeks."
- Monte Morin: Turning Swords Into Bumper Cars The U.S. Army hires suspected guerrillas to rebuild an amusement park in Iraqi hot spot -

"I write to you the introduction of a very urgent business proposal that will benefit you and bring hope to the hopeless."
- Amidu Alasa -

"Rumsfeld was under oath when he testified about the torture scandal. If he lied, that's perjury. And therefore I find it incredibly significant that when Bush and Cheney testified before the 9/11 commission, they refused to swear an oath. They claimed they'd sworn an oath of office, but that has no legal standing. Do you suppose they remembered how Clinton was trapped by perjury and were protecting themselves?"- Michael Moore at the Cannes Film Festival -"There is as much oil under the North Slope of Alaska as there is in all of Saudi Arabia."
- Lindsey Williams: The Energy Non-Crisis -

"The neoconservative hour is over. All the blather about 'empire,' our 'unipolar moment,' 'Pax Americana' and 'benevolent global hegemony' will be quietly put on a shelf and forgotten as infantile prattle. America is not going to fight a five or 10-year war in Iraq. Nor will we be launching any new invasions soon. The retreat of American empire, begun at Fallujah, is underway. With a $500 billion deficit, we do not have the money for new wars. With an Army of 480,000 stretched thin, we do not have the troops. With April-May costing us a battalion of dead and wounded, we are not going to pay the price. With the squalid photos from Abu Ghraib, we no longer have the moral authority to impose our 'values' on Iraq. Bush's 'world democratic revolution' is history.
- Pat Buchanan -

"For many Democrats, AARP's support for last November's Medicare prescription-drug bill came as a total shock. Not only could the law cause millions of seniors to lose more generous employer and state-coordinated drug benefits while providing only limited help to others; it is a major step toward the Republican Party's goal of privatizing Medicare and decimating employer-based health coverage."
- Barbara T. Dreyfuss: The Seduction - The shocking story of how AARP backed the Medicare bill -

"There's still remnants of that regime [Iraq] that would like to take it back. They could torture people and have rape rooms, and the world would turn their head from that and let it happen. But they can't do that anymore."
- Donald Rumsfeld -

"It may be that we are puppets -- puppets controlled by the strings of society. But at least we are puppets with perception, with awareness. And perhaps our awareness is the first step to our liberation."
- Stanley Milgram -

"Never in recent memory have our Army Values, the Soldier's Creed, and our Warrior Ethos been more important for us to reflect upon than today. Our Army is serving our Nation with great courage and honor during very dangerous times. We enjoy great support and the confidence of the American People, whom we serve, and we are respected around the globe. In view of current events, we must re-double our efforts - hold our heads high - and drive on to accomplish our individual tasks and collective missions. Integrity is non-negotiable. Everyone has leadership responsibilities when it comes to the Legal, Moral, and Ethical. Discipline is doing what's right when no one is watching. We are proud of you and our Army. Drive on!"
- Peter J. Schoomaker: Chief of Staff, US Army, and R. L. Brownlee: Acting Secretary of the Army Chief of Staff -

"Not everybody can wander around in an alcoholic haze and then at 40 just, you know, decide to be president."
- Jon Stewart: commencement address -

"I am the boundless ocean. 
This way and that, 
The wind, blowing where it will, 
Drives the ship of the world. 
But I am not shaken. 
I am the unbounded deep 
In whom the waves of all the worlds 
Naturally rise and fall. 
But I do not rise or fall."
- Ashtavakra Gita 7:1-2 -

"It is often easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them."
- Adlai Stevenson -

"At frames 9306 through 9368, a person with a US military cap temporarily pokes about a quarter of his left head into the video."
- Berg Video: Someone with U.S. military cap seen in frame -

"Kodak film experts at Kodak Park in Rochester, New York have compared the digital watermarks of the Abu Ghraib torture video and the Berg beheading video and have determined that one of the cameras used in the Nick Berg beheading is the SAME camera that took the prison torture video."
- Danny Schechter: Berg Video: Anomalies Multiply - 

"Why should we hear about body bags and deaths and how many, what day it's gonna happen? It's not relevant. So why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?"
- Barbara Bush on Good Morning America the day before the Iraq war started, The New York Times, 01-13-03 -

"I'm the commander - see, I don't need to explain - I don't need to explain why I say things. That's the interesting thing about being the President. Maybe somebody needs to explain to me why they say something, but I don't feel like I owe anybody an explanation."
- George W. Bush: Washington Post, 11-19-02 -

"We're on a mission from God."
- Dan Ayckroyd, Blues Brother -

"account terminated"
- e-mail subject -

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: From Democracy Now, Amy Goodman's interview with Staff Sgt. Jimmy Massey on his experiences in Iraq, and from the Sacramento Bee, Paul Rockwell's interview with Staff Sgt. Jimmy Massey on his experiences in Iraq.

A Child's Garden of Grass is a classic comedy album from 1971. It has nothing to do with your lawn. You can listen to the whole thing here.

Palm Springs, CA, the nearest real city to my desert hideaway, has the highest gasoline prices in the continental USA.

Running out of Viagra? You'll still feel like a man after watching The Man with the Smallest Penis in Existence and the Electron Microscope Technician who Loved Him.

150 of the best Bush in 30 Seconds ads are now available for viewing.

You wouldn't think it would be possible to create a website with nothing but pictures of Condi Rice looking angry. You'd be wrong.