The New Olympics
by Michael Dare

     "And now, the U.S. judo team will square off against the Iraqi judo team for the occupation of Najaf, while the sailboat competition will determine which country gets one free hurricane bail-out."
   "That's right, Ken. In the mid-east, it's Israel vs. Palestine in badminton to determine who gets Jerusalem for the next four years, and if Germany beats Czechoslovakia in the decathlon, they get back the Sudetenland."
   "A lot of people have asked about terrorism this year. Al-Qaeda has been banned from the event but they still run the concessions, with a sizable percentage of the revenue going to 9/11 reparations."
   "That's right, Ken, and don't forget that the Olympics not only solves territorial disputes but disagreements over tariffs, international law, and love. A lot of eyes are going to be on female handball, which will determine whether J-Lo has to take back Ben Affleck."
   "So true, which is why so many nations have seen their economy shift from defense related activities to Olympics related activities. Japan intends on doubling its whale ration by pummeling Iceland in female basketball, and if Canada overwhelms Sweden in gymnastics, as they're the odds on favorite to do, a lot of Oslovians are going to wake up and discover their lox tax has doubled."
   "And let's not ignore Asia. A lot of eyes are going to be on Japan vs. China as men's polo will determine the fate of Hong Kong for the next four years."
   "That's right, Ken. As usual, control of the international canal zone at Panama will be decided by women's butterfly, with Cuba looking to be the favorite."
   "Meanwhile, in Las Vegas, more than seven million dollars is riding on one single event. Competing for the first time is the Sequoia Nation, who is favored to win back Nevada in beach volleyball, thus moving Las Vegas gambling revenue from the Mafia to the Indians for the first time in decades. Look for a bloodbath."
   "That's right, Ken."
   "Be sure to come back tomorrow when the fate of the Gaza strip will be decided in a four-way-contest between Palestine, Israel, Egypt, and the Nation of Islam in table tennis."
   "Say Ken? Will there be any more coverage of the New Olympics?"
   "That was decided earlier today in a split decision between Portugal and Haiti in field hockey. The judges have decided my name isn't Ken and I'm going to have to shoot you."

INSERT SOUND EFFECT HERE

Crop Circle of the Week

Recipe of the Week

"Soak the Gila Monsters in warm cooking sherry until their movements begin to slow, then grasp the reptiles upper body, using your fingers to restrain the forelimbs back against its sides. Next, place your mouth completely over the Gila Monster's head and blow forcefully until a musical note is heard. This means the poison sac in the Gila Monster's tail is completely drained. Return the reptile to the sherry. (This will have a calming effect. A Gila Monster that has struggled will be tough, chewy, and an embarrassment to the chef.)"
- Bill Martin: Green Chili Gila Monster Surprise -

Stupid Answers of the Week

Until it is proven that Al Qaeda is truly an enemy of mankind, or that they are even a detrimental element to the well-being of humanity, all citizens should put Al Qaeda to work liberating all peoples of the world. Liberating oppressed and enslaved USA citizens too. 

Hook them up with Internet Name Base Data Banks locating the World's "covert" Ruling Class members and let Al Qaeda target the culprits who are bent on controlling and withholding the Earth's resources. Once these powerful "controller's" are displaced, Al Qaeda can redistribute the planet's wealth and resources to benefit all mankind. 

If Al Qaeda is as Internet surf savvy as believed, they can find the same Internet Name Base Data sources you & I have bookmarked. Why should I post my links here? How do I know if you are not really a CIA, FBI, Homeland Insecurity mole just trolling the web to see what restricted information private American's may or may not possess? Go get your own info like the rest of us have done. Hint; it's not available in USA. 

Disputing the claim that Al Qaeda is a foreign enemy, or an American trained and funded operation is pointless. They exist, they have energy and determination, and they know how the Internet works - like teenage hormones - if directed in the right direction they can create incredible change. Focus Al Qaeda's attention on targeting the world's ruling class members and taking them out of circulation for the benefit of all living creatures on this planet. 

Suggestion: If you could hustle Al Qaeda along in this Internet endeavor, a time sensitive priority is that USA has a illusionary fake "Election" coming up soon that needs imperative liberation and exposure! Set Al Qaeda upon exposing and stopping the election manipulation and fraudulent candidates in USA ASAP! All American political candidates are suspect and must be neutralized.

Clue: Place to start; Anyone receiving a US Government pay check (not hard to hack a payroll database) should be sent to the new 'secret' US Government prisons for sorting and evaluation of crimes. Round up anyone receiving a US Government pay check, and sort out the guilt later. "Everybody, outta the pool!" 

And we all live and die happily everafter anyway. 

VLA 

more arabic porn sites.

palantir

Dueling Quotes Redux

"...we need common-sense judges who understand that our rights were derived from God. Those are the kind of judges I intend to put on the bench."
- George W. Bush -

"...no religious test shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States."
- US Constitution, Article VI, Clause 3 -

One can believe our rights are derived from God and not be religious. The oft quoted Satan believes in God but is not religious.How about Dueling Definitions:religious-

1. characterized by adherence to religion or a religion; devout; pious;

godly 
2. of, concerned with, appropriate to, or teaching religion !religious

books" 
3. belonging to a community of monks, nuns, etc. 
4. conscientiously exact; careful; scrupulous n.,

test--

1. an examination, experiment, or trial, as to prove the value or

ascertain the nature of something 
2. a) a method, process, or means used in making such an examination or

trial 
b) a standard or criterion by which the qualities of a thing are
tried 
c) an oath or declaration required as proof of one's orthodoxy,
loyalty, etc. 
3. an event, set of circumstances, etc. that proves or tries a person's

qualities 

 VERSUS understand--

1. to get or perceive the meaning of; know or grasp what is meant by;

comprehend !to understand a question"
2. to gather or assume from what is heard, known, etc.; infer !are we to

understand that you want to go?"
3. to take as meant or meaning; interpret !to understand his silence as

refusal"
4. to take for granted or as a fact !it is understood that no one is to

leave"
5. to supply mentally (an idea, word, etc.), as for grammatical

completeness
6. to get as information; learn 
7. to know thoroughly; grasp or perceive clearly and fully the nature,

character, functioning, etc. of 
8. to have a sympathetic rapport with 

How is understanding something 'derived' as a religious test? - Jim Mentink -

 
Jim, So let me get this straight. You're nominated for membership in the Supreme Court of the United States of America and the man you believe to be President of the United States calls you to his office to have a little chat. "Do you understand that our rights were derived from God?" asks the pseudo-president.

Which answer will get you the gig?

a) Depends on who your God is. Mine may be different from yours.
b) I'd rather not discuss my religious beliefs.
c) Praise Jesus, ain't it the truth.

Forget the definitions and look at the intentions. They're masters of doing the opposite of what they say. It's not MY ability to understand the meaning of words that I'd be worried about. Besides, I thought the religion vs. Spirituality debate was settled long ago...

"I believe there is an important distinction to be made between religion and spirituality. Religion I take to be concerned with belief in the claims to salvation of one faith tradition or another--an aspect of which is acceptance of some form of meta-physical or philosophical reality, including perhaps an idea of heaven or hell. Connected with this are religious teachings or dogma, ritual, prayers and so on. Spirituality I take to be concerned with those qualities of the human spirit--such as love and compassion, patience, tolerance, forgiveness, contentment, a sense of responsibility, a sense of harmony, which bring happiness to both self and others."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -
 

"Upon the subjects of which I have treated, I have spoken as I thought. So soon as I discover my opinions to be erroneous, I shall be ready to renounce them."
- Abraham Lincoln -

Belated Christmas Gift from Hell

Quiz of the Week

What the fuck?

Calling All Computer Whizzes

Every once in a while I'll randomly read some old issue of Disinfotainment Today, or, as it's known in certain circles, Dysinfotainment Today, sure that somewhere back there, there must be something that wasn't up to standards, and I'm proud to say that so far, in all my travels, not one of them is a piece of crap. Go ahead, try it. Click here and call up a random issue of Disinfotainment Today. Report anything craplike.

You'll notice the word "here" in the preceding paragraph was not a link. That's why I'm looking for a computer whiz. Please oh please, help me create such a link, a link that randomly calls up any "htm" file stored in "disinfotainmenttoday.com."

Go. Work hard. Stay up all night. I recommend one of the following.
 

Product	Serving size	Caffeine
Monster Energy	8 ounces	95 mg
Red Bull	8.3 ounces	80 mg
Shark	8.4 ounces	80 mg
SoBe Adrenaline Rush	8.3 ounces	79 mg
Rockstar	8 ounces	66-75 mg
Amp	8.4 ounces	74 mg
KMX	8.4 ounces	38 mg
Mountain Dew	12 ounces	55 mg
Diet Coke	12 ounces	45 mg
Pepsi	12 ounces	38 mg
Diet Pepsi	12 ounces	36 mg
Coca-Cola Classic	12 ounces	34 mg
Snapple Lemon Tea	12 ounces	31.5 mg
Nestea sweetened	12 ounces	26 mg

Source: Energy drink manufacturers, the National Soft Drink Assn.

Latest Sign of the Coming Apocalypse

Regis Philbin has made it into the Guinness Book of World Records for logging 15,188 hours on camera, more than anyone in the history of television.

Competition of the Day

disinfopedia

"Shouldn't that be disinfopetition?"
- Locke Milholland -

"Shut up."
- Xarvon, alien investigator -

Why Steal The Scream?
by Brad Schreiber

    Of all the things one might steal and fence on the black market, jewels, negotiable bonds, gold bullion, plutonium, why would anyone take one of the most famous paintings in the world, the renowned image of a man with an inverted, pear-shaped head smacking his hands to his temples and, with a look of unmitigated terror, shrieking?
   Edvard Munch's The Scream, along with his painting, Madonna, were stolen by two masked gunmen from Oslo's Munch museum on August 22. The Norwegian artists most famous work is valued at about $80 million while the other could have been acquired for a, er, steal, at $55 million.
   It is hard to fathom how one sells an internationally recognizable work of purloined art without getting caught. And as this Scream was painted on fragile cardboard in 1893, its value will plummet if damaged.
    What's the big deal, you ask. Munch painted four Screams and the original is in Oslos National Gallery. When the original Scream, valued at $100 million, was stolen in 1998, just before the opening of the Lillehammer Olympics, it was eventually recovered. Aren't most art thefts?    Not necessarily. In August, one year ago, two thieves posing as tourists at Drumlanrig Castle in Scotland escaped through a kitchen window with Leonardo Da Vinci's Madonna with the Yardwinder, valued at $81 million. Despite surveillance footage and someone's very memorable tourist photo of the robbers fleeing, they are gone.
\   In 1990, at the Isabel Stewart Gardner Museum in Boston, two thieves posing as policemen made off with a Manet, three Rembrandts, several Degas sketches and a Vermeer. Total value, $800 million. Their price: free! None of the works has been recovered. They struck on St. Patrick's night in Boston. Guess they figured everyone would be a little tipsy.
   To whom do art thieves sell their bounty? Or are they very tasteful criminals who just have to add to their personal collections? In the case of The Scream, the foremost work depicting existential angst, a witness claimed one of the robbers had a Norwegian accent. It makes sense. If an American wanted to steal a famous work of art, it would not depict a man so full of pain and dread that his head looks like it is about to melt down his neck.
   But to Norwegians, The Scream is as culturally important as the Statue of Liberty is to us. It is no less a tragedy that the National Gallery has the original plus another version and a third is in the hands of a private collector.
   It is a loss to the four million people a year who viewed the now-stolen Scream. It is an affront to the memory of the artist who died in 1944 but whose powerful depiction of human suffering has so resonated over the years that an homage to the Screamer wound up in the low culture, goofy Hollywood comedy Home Alone.
    I don't know if some guy with an ascot is now viewing The Scream in his home, sipping liqueur, reflecting privately on his ill-gotten gain. But I can only hope it will be recovered, intact, and that the perpetrators will one day know what it's like to feel like your suddenly pear-shaped head is about to explode.

Stupid Question of The Week

What would YOU do with The Scream? Send your answer to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com.

Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week

Fuck The Scream
Go ahead and Play with Mona Lisa's face

Who Wouldn't?

John Stamos has filed for divorce from Rebecca Romijn-Stamos.

Don't Take My Word For It

"...it is by the right of our manifest destiny to overspread and to possess the whole of the continent."
- John L. O'Sullivan, 1845 -

"The scale of the nations projected budgetary imbalances is now so large that the risk of severe adverse consequences must be taken very seriously, although it is impossible to predict when such consequences may occur."
- former US Treasury Secretary Robert Rubin, Peter Orszag of the Brookings Institute, and Allan Sinai of Decision Economics: US budget deficit to hit half a trillion dollars -

"Grocery list: Go to the store, Buy milk, Buy bread, Buy Eggs, Shoot Sam (a cat), Shoot Self."
- From I'm in the Tub, Gone, a compilation of suicide notes by San Diego homicide detective Rick Carlson, quoted in A stark compilation of words to leave by -

"To me, the comic is the guy who says 'Wait a minute' as the consensus forms. He's the antithesis of the mob mentality. The comic is a flame, like Shiva the Destroyer, toppling idols no matter what they are. He keeps cutting everything back to the moment."
- Bill Hicks -

"I want to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race."
- James Joyce -

"House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) created a flurry of excitement in Republican circles the other day when it was reported that he is proposing abolition of the Internal Revenue Service in a new book. This would be accomplished by eliminating all existing federal taxes and replacing them with a national retail sales tax."
- Bruce Bartlett: National Retail Sales Tax: Don't Buy it! -

"America ought to do what's in America's interests, and those interests are not served by being dependent on oil in the Middle East and by giving an open hand to the Israelis. If we're less open-handed to Israel over time we can cut down Bin Laden's ability to grow. Right now he has unlimited potential for growing."
- Mike Scheuer, a senior CIA intelligence officer who led the Bin Laden station for four years, in his new book, Imperial Hubris: Why the West is Losing the War on Terror quoted here -

"On February 10. 2004, the White House released a number of documents related to George W. Bush's military service in the Texas Air National Guard. (TXANG). The White House claimed repeatedly (twelve time in fact, see box) that these documents proved that Bush had fulfilled his duty. In fact, not only did those documents fail to prove that Bush had fulfilled his duties, they prove the opposite."
- The AWOL Project - 

"Disobedience is the true foundation of liberty."
- Henry David Thoreau -

"Iraq as a team does not want Mr. Bush to use us for the presidential campaign. He can find another way to advertise himself... I want the violence and the war to go away from the city. We don't wish for the presence of Americans in our country. We want them to go away." 
- Iraqi soccer midfielder Salih Sadir: Unwilling participants - Iraqi soccer players angered by Bush campaign ads -

"My problems are not with the American people. They are with what America has done in Iraq: destroy everything. The American army has killed so many people in Iraq. What is freedom when I go to the [national] stadium and there are shootings on the road?"
- Iraqi soccer coach Adnan Hamad: Unwilling participants - Iraqi soccer players angered by Bush campaign ads -

"Penny has now been incarcerated since July 01, 2004. On July 15, 2004 she lost her eight week old unborn child while in detention. She was taken to Jackson Memorial Hospital in Miami in handcuffs and shackles where she was seated in the waiting room for two hours. Penny did not get seen until she finally started to hemorrhage. The doctor informed her that she was miscarrying and proceeded to perform a D&C on her without any anesthesia. Several hours after the procedure she was taken back to Turner Guilford Knight County Jail in Miami in shackles and handcuffs, barely able to keep consciousness while walking, due to the blood loss."
- This is a true story of how in one day with no warning two American children, Joshua and Sandra McClurg, lost their single mother to the Department of Homeland Security on July 01, 2004 -

"This election is different. This one matters like never before in history, considering how so many of us underestimated just how much damage a single president's gnarled, hateful administration could unleash upon the world in a single term. This is the new rallying cry. If you care at all about the soul of this country, if you care at all about women's rights and gay rights and true spiritual freedom and the environment and our international standing, if you care at all about actually reducing the anti-U.S. hatred in the world, as opposed to amplifying it a thousandfold, then oh my god yes, this election matters."
- Mark Morford: Time To Get Out The Bush - How do you know it's time for a major change in American leadership? Let us count the signs -

"It takes less mental effort to condemn than to think."
- Emma Goldman -

    "Albert Einstein and Mark Twain gave up on the human race at the end of their lives, even though Twain hadn't even seen World War I. War is now a form of TV entertainment. And what made WWI so particularly entertaining were two American inventions, barbed wire and the machine gun. Shrapnel was invented by an Englishman of the same name. Don't you wish you could have something named after you?
    "Like my distinct betters Einstein and Twain, I now am tempted to give up on people too. And, as some of you may know, this is not the first time I have surrendered to a pitiless war machine.
    "My last words? 'Life is no way to treat an animal, not even a mouse.'
   "Napalm came from Harvard. Veritas!
    "Our president is a Christian? So was Adolf Hitler."
-  Kurt Vonnegut: I Love You, Madame Librarian -

"You do remember that both Bush and Cheney quietly asked the then-leaders of the House and Senate, Gephardt and Daschle, not to investigate the pre-9/11 period for reasons of national security. Perhaps one of the things they'd like to keep hidden was the fact that they were warned by the outgoing Clinton Administration specifically about the enormous dangers posed by Osama bin Laden/Al Qaida, but, in their arrogance, the incoming Bush Administration decided not to pay any attention to those warnings; instead, they said they were going to set up their own commission to look into terrorism, with Dick Cheney as head. Cheney -- too busy putting together an energy policy with Kenneth Lay's Enron and the other energy companies -- did nothing and the promised report on terrorism never materialized."
- Reason #26 of One Thousand Reasons to Vote Against George Bush -

"When my time comes, just skin me and put me up there on Trigger. Just as though nothing had ever changed."
- Roy Rogers -

"Those who would take over the earth
And shape it to their will
Never, I notice, succeed."
- Lao Tzu -

"My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me."
- Benjamin Disraeli -

Everything Else

Why try explaining who the real 9/11 suspects are when this PowerPoint presentation by conservative Republican Karl W.B. Schwarz will do it all for you? "My facts in the PPT are triple checked and were obtained in the first person," says Schwarz.