A Letter from Tom Robbins

It seems Tom found himself at a restaurant where the menu was designed so you can fold it and mail it to whomever you want. Apparently the meal was so bad he was inspired to mail the menu to me. In the space for a message, Tom scrawled two sentences. The second is "You happen to have any Tums?" The first sentence? Beats me. Handwriting. That's why they invented typewriters. Help me out here.*

* We have a winner! Thanks to all the multi-linguists out there for offering their help. The first sentence is "Ich bin krank," which translates from the German as "I am sick."

Stock prices are plummeting. Fears of renewed recession are rising. New reports abroad say Osama bin Laden is still alive and plotting to kill Americans. Democrats are in full attack mode. Bush might not get re-unelected again.

An Indian doctor saved the lives of three "blue babies" (a lung problem starves them of oxygen) by treating them with Viagra.

Guess where American users of medical marijuana are seeking political asylum?

Robert Downey Jr. has been cleared of all charges.

Bad news for sadists with a law degree.

This week, Amnesty International condemned Palestinian suicide bombings.

Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 309.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

    My dream is to be a regular paid columnist for a print publication. Okay, maybe even a syndicated one. Think the female Dave Barry, right there in the Arts & Entertainment section. While I do understand I will have to take a few Sasquatch-ian steps to get there, I am not sure which path I should lumber down.
    Is it smarter to be a columnist without pay and have the regular gig (for exposure) or do I send things out one-by-one to paying sites and end up making chump change?
    I would really appreciate your words of wisdom!

Thanks!

Connie Lingus

Dear Connie,

If you're talking syndication in the print world, it's a tough nut to crack. Though I've never been syndicated, I've dealt with King Syndication many times. (They recently held on to my column "Who's Going to Hell This Week?" for more than a year. The head of the company wrote me back apologizing for taking so long but he loved the column and just couldn't place it anywhere.) In any case, King, and all other syndicaters, want 10 demo columns that are exactly the same. 500 words, not 499 or 501. 750 words, not 749 or 751. They want to see professionalism to a major degree, proving your ability to crank out product on a regular basis. They also want to know that you're already being printed regularly.

You'll never get anywhere as the next Dave Barry because the competition is too fierce. If anyone ever needs another Dave Barry and Dave Barry isn't available, King has got another 12 Dave Barrys already lined up, believe me. Get in line.

The secret of syndication is timing your proposal to fulfill a need they don't know about yet. One very successful journalist once told me that the secret of his success was finding out what people were doing on Saturday night. What's the popular thing that people are doing? 

In the mid 80s, I became one of the very first video columnists because I walked into the office of the editor of the LA Weekly and told him there was this new thing called home video that we should be covering on a regular basis. It wasn't as though he had to choose between me and someone else to do this column. I was staking out new territory, and once he started printing me I started getting picked up by dozens of magazines and newspapers from around the world, eventually ending up as Billboard's video columnist. If you had gotten to any publication with a column reviewing websites just as the WWW was peaking seven or eight years ago, before every magazine already had such a column, there's a good chance you'd be in print.

Your column has got to be more than just your opinion of things. Too vague. Do some investigating to find a new ingredient to add to your mix, something no one's covering. Got dyslexic twins? You can do the very first Recipes for Dyslexic Twins column. I'm being facetious but you get my point. If you're the only one doing something, then you've got no competition.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

July 22 2002

Satan for President in 2004

PRESS SECRETARY FROM HELL

COUNTRY SONG FROM HELL

Back when Randy Newman did "Short People," a bunch of midgets protested by destroying copies of his record. Now, a bunch of mental midgets have attacked Steve Earle for doing a song called "John Walker's Blues," a song seemingly in praise of John Walker Lindh, and obviously sarcastic to anyone with a shred of a sense of humor. Some of the lyrics...

"We came to fight the jihad, our hearts were pure and strong. 
We filled the air with our prayers and we prayed for our martyrdom. 
Allah has some other plans, a secret not revealed. 
Now they're dragging me back 
with my head in the sack 
to the land of the infidel."

Sure sounds a lot like one of my Country Songs from Hell.

FILM REVIEW FROM HELL

Here's a serious site that quotes a lot of scripture to prove that Men in Black II is the work of Satan.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

One of the many posters
that helped rid America
of Prohibition 

ANALOGY FROM HELL

The Great Barrier Reef stretches some 1,800 miles from New Guinea to Australia. Tour guides regularly take visitors to view the reef. 

On one tour, the guide was asked an interesting question. "I notice that the lagoon side of the reef looks pale and lifeless, while the ocean side is vibrant and colorful," a traveler observed. "Why is this?"

The guide gave an interesting answer: "The coral around the lagoon side is in still water, with no challenge for its survival. It dies early. The coral on the ocean side is constantly being tested by wind, waves, storms -- surges of power. It has to fight for survival every day of its life. As it is challenged and tested it changes and adapts. It grows healthy. It grows strong. And it reproduces." 

Then he added: "That's the way it is with every living organism."

QUOTES FROM HELL

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
- George W. Bush -

"Even if you don't believe a word of the bible, you've got to respect the person who typed all that."
- Lotus Weinstock -

"The world will not be saved by old minds with new programs. If the world is saved, it will be saved by new minds with no programs." 
- Daniel Quinn -

"It is the addition of strangeness to beauty that constitutes the romantic character in art."
- Walter Pater -

"Monetary loss or even the shock of moral sensibilities is perhaps a passing thing, but the breaking down of the faith of a people in the honesty of their government and in the integrity of their institutions, the lowering of respect for the standards of honor which prevail in high places, are crimes for which punishment can never atone." 
- Herbert Hoover -

"I can think of no faster way to unite the American people behind George W. Bush than a terrorist attack on an American target overseas. And I believe George W. Bush will quickly unite the American people through his foreign policy."
- Henry Kissinger, appearing on CNBC, 12/13/2000 -

"We are on the verge of a global transformation. All we need is the right major crisis and the nations will accept a New World Order."
- David Rockefeller -

"Why do schmucks and dickheads play such a vital role in American society? In a nutshell, their colorful antics brighten the day for the hoi polloi, and particularly for the less fortunate members of the hoi polloi. Toothless, blind, syphilitic and imprisoned in the worst Mexican jail, a person can still console himself with the thought: Well, at least I'm not Carrot Top."
- Joe Queenan -

HOOKER FROM HELL

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Not just one wacko spouting off but a giant credible list citing dozens of different verifiable sources, including CNN, MSNBC, the New Yorker, the New York Times, the Observer, the Guardian, the BBC, the Washington Post, the FAA, and the CIA site itself, showing Bush knew about 9/11 beforehand and deliberately let it happen. 

A captured al Qaeda document reveals that US energy companies were secretly negotiating with the Taliban to build a pipeline. The document was obtained by the FBI but was not allowed to be shared with other agencies in order to protect Enron. Multiple sources confirm that American law enforcement agencies were deliberately kept in the dark and systematically prevented from connecting the dots before 9/11 in order to aid Enron’s secret and immoral Taliban negotiations.

Hundreds of online radio stations will have to shut down unless this appeal to the Federal courts works.

Learn about liposculpture, slacktivism, steampunk, and buttlegging at Word Spy, the home of new words.

What's a pocket veto? What's the difference between a motion to table, a motion to waive, and a motion to strike? Look 'em all up at the home of old words, C-Span's Congressional Glossary.

Okay, will someone please explain why seven of the WTC hijackers are still alive?

Exercise your putts with this excellent mini-golf game.

Send a message to your offspring.

When your surroundings are a filthy mess, someone's responsible. 

Want the latest suicide cell smock? Check out PX, where the hip buy their prison uniforms.

Not sure what's right? Find out What's Left.

I ain't no Democrat but "Top 10 Reasons Why Al Gore Would Be a Better Wartime President Than George W. Bush" makes the point that he would have been the lesser of two evils instead of the evil of two lessers.