Government Fable of the Week

    There was once a government agency that gave away three tires, only three tires, to any poor person who could prove he needed four new tires. The thinking of the government agency was to motivate the poor person to get a job and BUY the fourth tire, thus encouraging self-reliance. In most cases, one of the poor person's original four tires was good enough to stay in place, affording them transportation, and allowing the vehicle to be driven, precariously, until the driver made enough money on their own to buy one new tire.
    In other cases, none of the original tires were any good, and so the poor person was still left with an un-drivable vehicle with only three good tires. What looked like help was actually no help at all, at least transportation-wise.
    Eventually, four poor people in cahoots figured out that four times three was twelve, and twelve divided by four was three, therefor if they all applied for help from this government agency simultaneously, they'd get four tires for three of their cars. This scheme worked as long as the three with drivable cars provided transportation to the fourth.
   A poor entrepreneur marketed the world's first successful tri-car-bed, a vehicle with only three wheels that slept two comfortably. The poor were no longer motivated to buy themselves a fourth wheel and society collapsed. Poor people were so jubilant at the work of this government agency that it had to be closed pursuant to the little used "Limits of Jubilation Allowed to Poor People Act" of 1947.
    Since then, no government agency has ever given tires to poor people.

Polls of the Week

Why has Kerry clearly won the first debate and not jumped into the lead?

46% – Kerry has a long face and looks sad a lot
21% – We need more information on how he will end the war immediately in Iraq, improve the economy or help me lose weight.
13% – Most people have trouble making decisions more complex than what to order in a restaurant.
11% – He is in the lead and you scumbag pollsters are manipulating results based on who you poll and who hires you.
8% – It’s God’s will that Kerry will lose.
1% – Leave me alone, Get out of here, Drop dead, Fuck off, etc.

What was the most damaging aspect of President Bush’s performance in the first debate?

22% – He looked pissed off or smirked like he had a facial twitch.
18% – He didn’t have any specific plans to solve anything at any time, ever.
17% – He paused so long it looked like he was using a hearing aid or a translator.
11% – He repeated the phrase “It’s hard” or “What kind of message does that send?” over and over and over and over and over.
10% – He actually said “mexed missages,” which confused me.
9% – His smile scared me.
7% – He didn’t call Kerry a flip-flopper or question his war wounds any more.
6% – He didn’t have a chance to memorize his responses.
1% – He was perfect and criticizing him sends a bad message to our troops.

- Brad Schreiber -

He Might Not be Drunk
But He Sure Looks Wired

"During the Presidential Debate Bush made what may be his most costly error- he exposed that he's using an earpiece to help him answer debate questions."
- John Reynolds: Bush Blows Debate: Talks to Rove in Earpiece! -

    "The crux of the rumor centers around a part of the debate where President Bush says, 'let me finish,' though neither Senator Kerry or moderator Jim Lehrer have moved to interrupt him. The video file can be seen here.
    "Viewers also note the numerous pauses during Bush's answers, though some also note that Bush regularly uses dramatic pauses as part of his replies."
- Rumor of Bush earpiece floats around Net -

Stupid Answers of the Week

To the question: "On my checks and credit cards, why are all the letters in my name upper case?  - Bill Moses" 

The answer is, of course, that banks and credit card companies are run by CAPITALISTS!
- Jed Closson

To the question: Worst case scenario: What would have happened if they had let Cat Stevens into the country and allowed him to keep his appointment to have lunch with Dolly Parton?

One of the ten new rides at Dollywood would have been Allaland, where you're a pop star and you ride a limo to Mecca. 
- Cardinal Richeleau

A terrible remake of "Morning Has Broken".  You didn't want that to happen, did you?
- Marta Martin 

Dollywood would have been able to open its newest attraction on time: The Peace Train. Now the patrons will continue to have to walk from one end of the park to the other.
- mot626

Cat would have put a Mickey in Dolly's drink and implanted bombs in her boobs which would have exploded during a performance at the White House, killing Bush and Cheney, making it four exploding boobs.
- Osama bin Drinkin

He would have finally escaped that odious moonshadow and derailed the peace train.
-dburke11

After lunch, Cat and Dolly would feel a little sleepy and wish they could take a nap. 
-Bill Moses

The terrorists would have won.
-Morris Garfield

Quiz of the Week

Is the million worker march in twelve days or is the twelve worker march in a million days?

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

You should avoid soybeans.

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

This is a picture of a hostage in Iraq, and he is allegedly being held by radical Islamists. However, look at the muzzle of the rifle pointing at his head. It is an M-4 Carbine, which is a shortened M-16 with a shorter barrel and a sliding butt. 

Only US spec ops and Israeli spec ops use it.

Stupid Question of the Week Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week

We all know how it works. If enough websites create a link somewhere using the same word, say failure, then when you type the word "failure" into Google and click on I FEEL LUCKY, you're taken to the site. Don't take my word for it. It's no fun at all to just click on the above link. Go to Google. Type in "failure." Click on I FEEL LUCKY. Ta-daa! Then click on the button that says "en espanol." When the page comes up in Spanish, right click on the page (if you're using IE) and click on "translate into English." Marvel at the fact that "Ever since it assumed the position, President Bush has promulgated outstanding initiatives to improve the state schools when settling down higher standards, to require than accounts surrender and to increase the local air traffic control." It's just like he wrote it himself.

Don't Take My Word For It

"You measure democracy by the freedom it gives its dissidents, not the freedom it gives its assimilated conformists."
- Abbie Hoffman -

"If one of my patients frequently said one thing and did another, I would want to know why. If I found that he often used words that hid their true meaning and affected a persona that obscured the nature of his actions, I would grow more concerned. If he presented an inflexible worldview characterized by an oversimplified distinction between right and wrong, good and evil, allies and enemies, I would question his ability to grasp reality. And if his actions revealed an unacknowledged - even sadistic - indifference to human suffering, wrapped in pious claims of compassion, I would worry about the safety of the people whose lives he touched. For the past three years, I have observed with increasing alarm the inconsistencies and denials of such an individual. But he is not one of my patients. He is our President."
- Dr. Justin Frank: Bush on the Couch: Inside the Mind of the President -

"The United States Justice Department under the leadership of the Attorney General, John Ashcroft, and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, arrested and detained more than 5,000 Muslim and Arab immigrants on suspicion of posing a threat to national security. Of those 5,000 arrested and detained, most have been released without prosecution and conviction. Of that subgroup prosecuted by the U.S. Justice Department, none have been convicted of any crimes related to terrorist activities in the United States. None received an official apology from the U.S. government."
- Mel Valentin: Persons of Interest: Muslims/Arabs After 9/11 -

     "Before I begin, let me state that I am a soldier currently deployed in Iraq, I am not an armchair quarterback. Nor am I some politically idealistic and naive young soldier, I am an old and seasoned Non-Commissioned Officer with nearly 20 years under my belt. Additionally, I am not just a soldier with a mud's-eye view of the war, I am in Civil Affairs and as such, it is my job to be aware of all the events occurring in this country and specifically in my region.
    "I have come to the conclusion that we cannot win here for a number of reasons. Ideology and idealism will never trump history and reality."
- Al Lorentz: Why We Cannot Win -

"An Army Reserve staff sergeant who last week wrote a critical analysis of the United States' prospects in Iraq [the Al Lorentz article linked above] now faces possible disciplinary action for disloyalty and insubordination. If charges are bought and the officer is found guilty, he could face 20 years in prison. It would be the first such disloyalty prosecution since the Vietnam War."
- Eric Boehlert: Operation American Repression? -

"As those of you who read Tomdispatch regularly know, I've long hammered away at our permanent bases, also known in Pentagonese as 'enduring camps' – something close to an oxymoron. If you didn't factor those 'camps' into the equation that was Iraq, the Bush administration's policies there made no sense from the start. (And almost no American could have done so, since almost no one knew about them.)"
- Tom Englehardt: The "Enduring Camps" that couldn't be seen -

"I will say what I want and... [Bush] will say what he wants. I call for this because war is not a joke."
- Saddam Hussein offering to debate George W. Bush on 60 Minutes -

    "Overthrown Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein, who was arrested by US forces last December, reportedly plans to run as a candidate in the Iraqi elections scheduled for January 2005.
    "Saddam's lawyer Giovanni di Stefano told Denmark's B.T. newspaper that Saddam decided during one of their discussions that he would declare his candidacy for the elections. 
- Saddam to Declare Candidacy for Iraqi Elections -

"According to Ollie North, President Reagan was at the airport every time a dead American serviceman's body came home. The British also formally greet their returning dead with honor and respect. Only in the United States does the government even forbid news organizations from greeting the dead."
- Charley Reese: The President's Comedy Routine -

"Will George W. Bush be allowed to finish the battle against the forces of evil that threaten our very existence?"
- Janet Parshall, narrator of the film George W. Bush: Faith in the White House -

    "Before the U.S. war in Iraq, Lukoil signed lucrative contracts with Saddam Hussein's government, only to see the agreements suspended -- first by Saddam and then by the U.S. interim government. The largest contract, to develop the massive West Qurna field, could yield 500,000 million barrels a day.
    "While the West Qurna deal was not a decisive factor in the ConocoPhillips-Lukoil partnership, Iraq plays significantly into both companies strategies, analysts say.
    "This was like the icing on the cake for both companies, said Chris Waefer, chief strategist for Moscow's Alfa Bank."
- Preston Mendenhall: Iraqi oil seen flowing through Moscow - Lukoil and ConocoPhillips team up to secure Iraqi reserves -

"Something stinks in Riverside County, California, and its not the local dump. The nasty odor assailing the resident's nostrils is the smell of rotten politics. But it's Riverside, so why should you care? [I live in Riverside County] Well there's just one reason. What's happening in Riverside County is a snapshot of what's happening all over the country, probably in your state."
- Elaine Kitchel: Are we on the verge of another stolen election? Is anything being done about it? -

"We all know Bush's record since April 2001. And we all know Nader's response. The facts – and their consequences for millions all around the world – matter to Nader as little as they matter to Bush. Nader is running in 2004 because not to run would be a tacit admission of the damage he's already caused – and that's no way to defend a delusion. Nader had to run again, or admit that he'd been wrong. And he can't do that. What he prefers is this: to endanger every cause and value he claims to believe in – and to accept GOP money and assistance, though he knows, he knows, that Republicans help him because his candidacy helps Bush. But in accepting assistance from the radical right, Nader loses the final thing that set him apart: the claim to being the one pure choice. Instead, he's descended into the same expediency he criticizes in Democrats. In the most literal way possible, he has become his enemy."
- Michael Ventura: Perfidy -

"Oh, to this day, every picture I make I get criticism from the Jewish community. I keep getting letters from little old Jewish ladies: 'You think Hitler is funny?' You get it or you don't." 
- Mel Brooks -

"Government does two things well - nothing and overreact."
- Donald Rumsfeld -

"Most Iraqis, I am told, believe that they are 'better off' becoming violently ill from drinking filthy water while dodging bullets under the elusive promise of shifting democracy and inevitable specter of bloody civil war than they were being victimized by the clean water and electricity Saddam Hussein ruthlessly used to curry favor."
- Betty Bowers: America's Best Christian -

"My opponent says we didn't have any allies in this war. What's he say to Tony Blair? What's he say to Alexander Kwasniewski of Poland?" 
- Dubya in the first debate -

"Alexander Kwasniewski said, and I quote... 'They deceived us about the weapons of mass destruction... We were taken for a ride.' What would I say to him? I'd say I apologize for the actions of my predecessor."
- Kerry in the first debate in my dreams -

"Reality cannot be ignored except at a price; and the longer the ignorance is persisted in, the higher and more terrible becomes the price that must be paid."
- Aldous Huxley -

    "So it's no surprise that over the past four years, we've learned to pay attention when the Bush administration and its minions in the press start dropping hints about the next big attack. They've most recently floated the idea of a catastrophic October Surprise assault, which they suggest could necessitate postponing the election. One official warned, 'I can tell you one thing, we won't be like Spain,' in an apparent reference to the conservative ruling party's having lost power days after the Madrid train bombings.
    "But Spain's election was a high-turnout, democratic contest in which voters fair and square booted an unpopular, lying, war-mongering administration. Why can't US voters have the same chance?"
- Heather Wokusch: Infamy: Pearl Harbor, 911 and the Coming Outrage -

"Avail yourself also of any helpful circumstances over and beyond the ordinary rules."
- Sun Tzu: The Art of War -

"You know, the president's father did not go into Iraq, into Baghdad, beyond Basra. He said in his book that the reason he didn't was because there was no viable exit strategy. And he said our troops would be occupiers in a bitterly hostile land. I knew George Bush. George Bush was a friend of mine....and you sir ARE NO GEORGE BUSH!"
- John Kerry in another dream -

"The first thing candidates tell us when they go on Oprah or Dr. Phil is that they always put family first, presumably because it's reassuring for us to know that, should the launching of a rogue missile coincide with a first daughter's ballet recital, well, sorry there'll be other missile attacks, but a kid goes through third grade only once."
- Bill Maher: We Need an Exit Strategy, Not a Couscous Recipe -

"He showed for all to see what a minor mind he goes around with. I looked at this guy Bush last night and thought about young people dying in Iraq because of him. And there will be more and more because he is a man sitting with a car full of people on the train tracks and he doesn't know enough to get off with the train coming. Watch the ages of the dead night after night, day after day - 21 ... 23 ... 19 ... 25 ... Anybody responsible for getting people this young killed is a national menace. Dumb people always are."
- Jimmy Breslin: A leader showed up; his name was Kerry -

"At 8:20 AM on Wednesday, September 29, armed US Marshals and FCC Agents raided the house from which Free Radio Santa Cruz broadcasts. Agents entered with guns drawn, showing the warrant to a couple of residents but not serving the warrant to anyone at that time. All residents, some wearing only their bathrobes and PJ's, were herded to the sidewalk in front of their house."
- Free Radio Santa Cruz RAIDED by the FCC and US Marshals -

    "When Marine Lance Cpl. James Crosby left Iraq, he was unconscious, strapped to a gurney, his legs paralyzed and his guts lacerated by shrapnel. That's when the military cut his pay in half.
   "'Before you leave the combat zone, they swipe your ID card through a computer, and you go back to your base pay,' said Crosby, who is now undergoing rehabilitation at the West Roxbury Veterans Administration."
- Jules Crittenden: Iraq: Injured Troops Pay Cut In Half -

"One of the cardinal rules of human nature is this: 'Punishment ALWAYS leads to resistance.' Human beings are hard-wired that way. According to John Gray's excellent book Children are from Heaven, if a young child thinks that a punishment is unjust, he or she will resist it -- even to the death. And this eternal truth also applies to grown-ups. Ariel Sharon is a really slow learner. After all these years, he is STILL unclear on the concept."
- Jane Stillwater: Ariel Sharon may be a slow learner but our George is learning fast! -

"Love people and use things, don't love things and use people."
- Xarvon, alien investigator -

   "Who's behind these private companies? It's hard to tell: The corporate lines -- even the bloodlines -- of these 'competitors' are so intricately mixed. For example, at Diebold -- whose corporate chief, Wally O'Dell, a top Bush fundraiser, has publicly committed himself to 'delivering' his home state's votes to Bush next year -- the election division is run by Bob Urosevich. Bob's brother, Todd, is a top executive at 'rival' ES&S. The brothers were originally staked in the vote-count business by Howard Ahmanson, a member of the Council for National Policy, a right-wing 'steering group' stacked with Bushist faithful.
   "Ahmanson is also one of the bagmen behind the extremist 'Christian Reconstructionist' movement, which openly advocates a theocratic takeover of American democracy, placing the entire society under the "dominion" of 'Christ the King.' This 'dominion' includes the death penalty for homosexuals, exclusion of citizenship for non-Christians, stoning of sinners and -- we kid you not -- slavery, 'one of the most beneficent of Biblical laws.'"
- Chris Floyd: CIA-owned Voting Machines Ensure Bush Victory in 2004 -

"Either you think, or else others have to think for you and take power from you, pervert and discipline your natural tastes, civilize and sterilize you."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald -

"That (Bush) coasted on his family name was understandable. Lots of guys do that. But Georgie, as we called him then, has absolutely no intellectual curiosity about anything. He wasn't interested in ideas or books or causes. He didn't travel; he didn't read the newspapers; he didn't watch the news... How he got out of Yale without developing some interest in the world besides booze and sports stuns me. Hell, it's not George's substance abuse that bothers me as much as his lack of substance." 
- Tom Wilner, Dubya's frat brother, quoted in Kitty Kelley's The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty -

"The secret of getting ahead is getting started."
-Sally Berger -

"You can make more friends in a month by being interested in them than in ten years by trying to get them interested in you."
- Charles Allen -

"More people would learn from their mistakes if they weren't so busy denying them."
- Harold J. Smith -

"I am building my mind all by myself
And growing worthier for the tasks ahead
Who knows when shall I be able to declare with all my heart:
I have reached my Realisation,
Come all, follow me,
The Master is calling you all,
May my life bring forth new life in you all,
And thus may my country awake."
- Rabindranath Tagore -

"The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians."
- Warren Robinson Austin, US diplomat -

"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? Find Amelia Earhart yet? Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before!  You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out... Now I know how a Muppet feels. If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" You know, in Arkansas we're now legally married. Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is in fact not up there? Do you see my tattoo? Can you hear me NOW?"
- Planet Proctor: What to say when you're getting a colonoscopy -

Everything Else

You know you like puns too much when you think that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars" is funny even without a joke attached.

Here's a complete and unbiased guide to Distortions and Misstatements At the First Presidential Debate.

They're blonde. They're chewable. They're gumblondes.

Here's a document from the Los Alamos National Laboratories about depleted uranium that doesn't look like Dan Rather typed it, so they can't claim they're surprised that the daughter of a soldier contaminated with depleted uranium in Iraq was born with deformities.

Type in any text and see it in any font at font browser.

Can't figure out which recordable DVD format to buy? Read this.

What if Francis Ford Coppola directed Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Don't miss the hilarious Chocolypse Now.

Here's an extremely fun site, full of photos and films, dedicated to proving once and for all that the Apollo mission to the moon was faked.

Mark Fiore's latest Shockwave cartoon is, as usual, brilliant and hilarious and depressing.

It's John Cleese's 65th birthday on October the 27th. He'll be 65. You can surprise him with a birthday message here. Something like this... "I understand it's your birthdeus ex machina. This is a day in which we excellibrate the annichapterandversary with a fringe on top of the birth of a nation of I've got to go to the John Cleese. If there were no John Cleese, practitioners of word association football would have to invent his spleen. If I were to bake in my loins a cakewalk on the wild side, and I covered it with David Frosting me an arm and a leg, chopping would John a new Cleese on life be able baker Charlie to blow winds and crack your cheeks out the candles in the wind? I would you mind stepping aside hope springs eternal so on the button. In any case of anthrax, I offer in a brutal manner my broken heartiest congratuleague of nations for achieving this milestone the bastards for heresy."

Fellow WGA members Michael Dare and John Cleese