Disinfotainment Today Issue #125 - "Which Bush is right for you?"

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash-and rinse." Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids and the cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Administration Now Claims Saddam Both Did and Did Not Have Nukes Before War
Quantum physics explanation based on Schrodinger's cat paradox.

Jib Jab has a new one called It's Good to be in D.C. (paid for by The Tonight Show!) and it's a worthy sequel to their blockbuster This Land, but there's something better. This is a direct link to War by Manuel Fallmann from albinoblacksheep.com who got it from mindistortion.net, where you have to navigate around a bit to find it. Go to mindistortion anyway because their other stuff is amazing too. Stark black and white imagery brings the file size WAY down, so the films load fast and blow you away. Crank up the speakers for funk punk, all so simple it makes South Park look like Fantasia, but it perfectly suits the message and music. If Good to be in D.C. is Weird Al, War is The Clash and Tom Waits. (Don't miss the intro too.)

I never met Rodney Dangerfield but I did work with Harold Ramis, who was partially responsible for Rodney's rise to fame by using him in Caddyshack. Here's what he told me about Rodney...

"You know how fame has effected Rodney? During Caddyshack, whenever he was on the set, he'd say 'Could you hurry it up, please, I got a hooker waiting for me in my dressing room.' After Caddyshack made him a big star, whenever he was on the set, he'd say 'Could you hurry it up, please, I got a couple hookers waiting for me in my dressing room.'"

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."

"I remember the time I was kidnapped, and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."

"I never got any respect from my old man. I said, 'Nobody likes me.' He said, 'Don't feel that way. Everybody hasn't met you yet.'"

"And my wife. As soon as I got married I knew I was in trouble. My in-laws sent me a thank-you note."

"My wife, let me tell you about my wife. She wants to have sex in the back seat of the car, but she wants me to drive."

"I got no respect again last week. I went to buy a new suit and told the salesman I'd like to see something cheap. He told me to look in the mirror."

"The other night, she met me at the front door wearing a see-through negligee. The only trouble is she was coming home."

"They got my shirt and tie next to Lindbergh's plane. I tell myself they're using it to wipe off the plane."

"I'm so ugly, when I was a kid, my father bought a new billfold, and, instead of my picture, he carried the picture of the kid who came with the wallet."

"Life on the road was murder. I played one date, it was so far out in the sticks, I was reviewed by Field and Stream."

"I tell you, I don't get no respect. When I step into an elevator, the attendant looks at me and says, 'Basement?'"

"I told my doctor that when I woke up in the morning I couldn't stand looking at myself in the mirror. He said, 'At least we know your vision is perfect.'"

In a recent Drudge Report item, an anonymous White House official charged that Team America was trivializing the war on Terror. Why does the White House respond to a teaser trailer for a movie starring puppets but not to Fahrenheit 9/11??

Send your answer to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com.

Relive your childhood with this fantastic illustrated
homage to all the discontinued rides at Disneyland

Dueling Quotes

"I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11."
- Dick Cheney: the vice-presidential debate -

"I think there's overwhelming evidence that there was a connection between al-Qaeda and the Iraqi government."
- Dick Cheney: National Public Radio, January 22, 2004 -

"I said there was a connection between al-Qaeda and the Iraqi government, not between Iraq and 9/11."
- Dick Cheney: between Bush's butt cheeks -

Most Confusing Philosophy from a Guy Who Died This Week

Deconstruction: a method of literary criticism that assumes language refers only to itself rather than to an extratextual reality, that asserts multiple conflicting interpretations of a text, and that bases such interpretations on the philosophical, political, or social implications of the use of language in the text rather than on the author's intention. (If that's what he really meant.)

    "Derrida was known as the father of deconstructionism, a branch of critical thought or analysis developed in the late 1960s and applied to literature, linguistics, philosophy, law and architecture.
    "Derrida focused his work on language, showing that it has multiple layers and thus multiple meanings or interpretations, challenging the notion that speech is a direct form of communication or even that the author of a text is the author of its meaning.
    "Deconstructionists like Derrida explored the means of liberating the written word from the structures of language, opening limitless textual interpretations. Not limited to language, Derrida's philosophy of deconstructionism was then applied to western values."
- Derrida, founder of deconstructionist criticism, dies at 74 -

"Had we seen the war for what it was, we would not have started with Iraq, but with Iran, the mother of modern Islamic terrorism, the creator of Hezbollah, the ally of al-Qaeda, the sponsor of Zarqawi, the longtime sponsor of Fatah and the backbone of Hamas."
- Michael Ledeen of the American Enterprise Institute -

"Over the years, some have speculated that Strangelove was inspired by Edward Teller, Henry Kissinger or Werner Von Braun. But the real model was almost certainly Herman Kahn, an eccentric, voluble nuclear strategist at the RAND Corporation, a prominent Air Force think tank. In 1960, Mr. Kahn published a 652-page tome called On Thermonuclear War, which sold 30,000 copies in hardcover.
"According to a special-feature documentary on the new DVD, Mr. Kubrick read On Thermonuclear War several times. But what the documentary doesn't note is that the final scenes of Dr. Strangelove came straight out of its pages."
- Fred Kaplan: Truth Stranger than Strangelove -

"A nation can survive its fools, and even the ambitious. But it cannot survive treason from within. An enemy at the gates is less formidable, for he is known and carries his banner openly. But the traitor moves amongst those within the gate freely, his sly whispers rustling through all the alleys, heard in the very halls of government itself. For the traitor appears not a traitor; he speaks in accents familiar to his victims, and he wears their face and their arguments, he appeals to the baseness that lies deep in the hearts of all men. He rots the soul of a nation, he works secretly and unknown in the night to undermine the pillars of the city, he infects the body politic so that it can no longer resist. A murderer is less to fear."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 42 B.C. -

    "We have been told by several avid Bush supporters that the days when newspapers publish editorials without personal repercussions are over.
    "The new mode of operation, I am told, is that when a newspaper prints an editorial of which some sectors might disagree, the focus is now upon how to run the newspaper out of business.
    "Unfortunately, for the Iconoclast and its publishers there have been threats -- big ones including physical harm."
- Editorial in the Iconoclast (a Crawford, Texas paper) concerning their endorsement of Kerry -

"Over the last few days, I've heard through various sources that the Crawford, Texas newspaper, The Iconoclast, is hemorrhaging subscribers and advertisers as a result of last week's editorial supporting Kerry over Dubya. There is a real chance they will be forced to shut down due to loss of revenue, so I just subscribed for a year (a whopping $45; six months is $22.50). I suggest you do the same to support free speech and standing up for what's right.
- John D. Pearce -

"To err is human, but when the eraser wears out ahead of the pencil, you're overdoing it."
- Josh Jenkins -

"Suppose a man who was not blind beheld the many bubbles on the Ganges as they drive along, and he watched them and carefully examined them, then after he had carefully examined them they would appear to him empty, unreal and insubstantial. In exactly the same way does the monk behold all physical phenomena, feelings, perceptions, mental formations, and states of consciousness - whether they be of the past, or the present, or the future, far or near. And he watches them, and examines them carefully; and, after carefully examining them, they appear to him empty, void and without a Self."
- Buddha: Majjhima Nikaya -

"Bush can't defend his policies, so he's conjuring up an image of Kerry as a looming threat whose strategy of defeat and insistence on global cooperation would 'paralyze America in dangerous times.' The dirty little secret is that Bush, if elected, is more likely to pull out of Iraq once elections are held in January, while Kerry, with his commitment to international norms and behavior, would be inclined to stay the course with the assistance of the world community."
- Eleanor Clift: Scorched-Earth Strategy - After a terrible week for his campaign, Bush has one agenda between now and Election Day: attack Kerry -

"Did my critics create themselves out of nothing? Did they create the heavens and the earth? Their ideas are foolish. Do they possess and control the treasures of you Lord? Do they have a ladder by which they climb up to God, and overhear him? Let their eavesdroppers bring proof that they have heard him. Do they know the mysteries of existence, and can they write them down? Do they have another god besides God? Let God be exalted above their idols. If they saw part of the heavens fall from the sky, they would still say: 'It is only a mass of clouds.'"
- Qur'an, At-Tur, Surah 52:35-44 -

"My call for a spiritual revolution is thus not a call for a religious revolution. Nor is it a reference to a way of life that is somehow other-worldly, still less to something magical or mysterious. Rather, it is a call for a radical re-orientation away from our habitual preoccupation with self towards concern for the wider community of beings with whom we are connected, and for conduct which recognizes others interests alongside our own."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on."
- Homer Simpson -

    "Negative feelings, such as violence, are damaging to life, whether we act upon them ourselves, or cause or condone them in others.
    "They are born of greed, anger, or delusion, and may be slight, moderate, or intense. Their fruit is endless ignorance and suffering.
    "To remember this is to cultivate the opposite."
- The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, 2:34 -

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
- Herm Albright -

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and I could say, 'I used everything that you gave me.'"
- Erma Bombeck -

"I mean, you could threaten to kill my family and I would not make another puppet movie. If my mother would die if I would not make another puppet movie, she'd be dead. I'm totally serious."
- Trey Parker on the making of Team America -

"How can I pontificate like this? After all, it is ONLY a series of books by Stephen King who could shat a novel both before and after breakfast. Somewhere along the line The Dark Tower series became so much more than that, can I hear ya say thankya? I have moments ago closed the book. The last book (we've been assured) ever to be written regarding Roland Deschain and his ka-tets quest towards the omnipresent Dark Tower. This series is perhaps as close as our generation (and its spanned more lifetime than I myself have) will ever come to their very own Lord of the Rings. It is the most epic tale I've ever had the opportunity to read and, like Roland's quest itself, it was nearly snuffed."
- David B. Grelck: The Dark Tower, a meditation - Ka like a wheel. Oh, and Taheen, lots of Taheen -

"[T]he government is calling up more and more troops from the reserves. For what? Man, there is a huge fucking scam going on here! There are civilian contractors crawling all over this country. Blackwater, Kellogg Brown & Root, Halliburton, on and on. These contractors are doing everything you can think of from security to catering lunch! "We are spending money out the ass for this shit, and very few of the projects are going to the Iraqi people. Someone's back is getting scratched here, and it ain't the Iraqis'!
"My life is left to chance at this point. I just hope I come home alive."
- Dude, Iraq Sucks: One of many letters to Michael Moore from soldiers in Iraq upon the release of the DVD of Fahrenheit 9/11 -

"What journalism needs is guidelines about when a source should be promised anonymity. The more refined and widely accepted these guidelines are, the fewer times a journalist must face the choice of betrayal or jail. This isn't much help for those who already made these promises. But if the profession would only display a bit of perspective about its own importance and its own problems, maybe society and the special prosecutor could be persuaded to allow past promises to be kept, in exchange for less promiscuous promising in the future."
- Michael Kinsley: The Cult of the Source -

"Dick Bruce Cheney may have actually set a new record for lying as he immediately launched into the very familiar Iraq war mantra many of us may be able to recite along with him by now, we've heard it so much. But this time as the angry, irritated 63 year old man from Wyoming continued to drone on, John Edwards provided no wiggle room and elucidated the popular, happy lies of Mr. Halliburton."
- Delton Murphy: Veeps Go Deep -

"If you look at Natural Resource Defense Council's website, you'll see over 400 major environmental roll-backs that have been promoted by this administration during the last three and a half years, and I tell you it's part of a concerted deliberate attempt to eviscerate 30 years of environmental law.
"It's a stealth attack. They have concealed their radical agenda from the American public using Orwellian rhetoric. When they destroy the forest, they call it the Healthy Forest Law; when they destroy the air they call it the Clear Skies Bill. And most insidiously they have put polluters in charge of virtually all the agencies that are supposed to protect Americans from pollution. The head of the Forest Service is a timber industry lobbyist. The head of public lands is a mining industry lobbyist who believes that public lands are unconstitutional. The head of the air division at EPA is a utility lobbyist who has represented the worst air polluters in America. The second in command at EPA is a Monsanto lobbyist. The head of Superfunds, an agency critical to quality of life here in Oregon, is a lobbyist whose last job was teaching corporate polluters how to evade Superfunds."
- Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.: Bush's Crimes Against Nature -

"As things now stand, Bush is left with only one argument and justification for having launched a war that has cost 1,000 lives, $150 billion and whatever goodwill America had won in the aftermath of 9/11. His last-resort reason: Saddam Hussein might have developed weapons that he might have given to terrorists that might attack the United States. And even that reasoning is undermined by the new report of the Iraq Survey Group, which says that Saddam's capacities, whatever they might have been, were withering, not 'gathering,' under the weight of inspections."
- Howard Fineman: Bush vs. the News -

"[T]he total number of deaths caused by conventional medicine is an astounding 783,936 per year. It is now evident that the American medical system is the leading cause of death and injury in the US."
- Gary Null, PhD; Carolyn Dean MD, ND; Martin Feldman, MD; Debora Rasio, MD; and Dorothy Smith, PhD: Death by Medicine -

"It has been argued that our oil-protection role is a peculiar feature of the war in Iraq, where petroleum installations are strewn about and the national economy is largely dependent on oil revenues. But Iraq is hardly the only country where American troops are risking their lives on a daily basis to protect the flow of petroleum. In Colombia, Saudi Arabia, and the Republic of Georgia, U.S. personnel are also spending their days and nights protecting pipelines and refineries, or supervising the local forces assigned to this mission. American sailors are now on oil-protection patrol in the Persian Gulf, the Arabian Sea, the South China Sea, and along other sea routes that deliver oil to the United States and its allies. In fact, the American military is increasingly being converted into a global oil-protection service."
- Michael T. Klare: Oil Wars - Transforming the American Military into a Global Oil-Protection Service -

"Mike, I am a truck driver right now in Iraq. Let me give you this one small fact because I am right here at the heart of it: since I started this job several months ago, 100% (that's right, not 99%) of the workers I am aware of are inflating the hours they claim on their time sheets. There is so much more I could tell you. But the fact is that MILLIONS AND MILLIONS of dollars are being raped from both the American taxpayers and the Iraqi people because of the unbelievable amount of greed and abuse over here. And yes, my conscience does bother me because I am participating in this rip-off."
- One more letter to Michael Moore from a soldier in Iraq -

"John Kerry, made famous by Mr. Bush's ads for being one person with two different ideas, was no match for President Bush, who is apparently two different people with no ideas."
- Betty Bowers -

"As our recent history teaches, what begins as a threat to the Jews is soon a menace to the entire world. It is but a short step between a knifing in Jerusalem and bombing the World Trade Centre in New York. All of this indicates the pattern of our position in the coming years. One hand we will outstretch in peace, the other we will keep poised on the trigger. We will live in peace and not with illusions. The danger has not passed. The hand of peace will, in time of need, pull that trigger."
- Israeli Prime Minister Rabin to the General Assembly of Jewish Federations, 1993 -

"As you may have noticed, it's amazing how much the Bush Administration will promote the use of provocation as a foreign policy tool. From a wider perspective, this falls perfectly in line with the Administration's foreign policy centerpiece - the unilateral, preemptive strike. Although all U.S. leaders have reserved the right to preemptive unilateralism, this is the first administration ever to make it the hallmark of their foreign policy agenda.
"In fact, in its simplest form, virtually every aspect of Bush's foreign policy initiatives point toward one thing...military confrontation. Rest assured that, if Bush manages to win a second term, we will be embroiled in military conflict with Iran, Syria and North Korea faster than you can shake your head in disbelief."
- Tom Ball: 86 Steps to Armageddon: The Complete Cataclysmic Record of Bush and North Korea -

"In the 21st century, people all over the world are beginning to acknowledge and appreciate the importance of the whistleblower. The one who has the courage to take responsibility on behalf of all humanity, the one who has the courage to act on behalf of all humanity. The whistleblower has in mind the safety of life on this earth, the people. He or she acts to prevent catastrophe by informing the public directly through the mass media - such is the combined power of knowledge and of conscience. In this age of mass communications information should no longer be secret, and in a democracy it should be open and available to the people. It is the task of the individual, who later becomes a whistleblower, to be the eyes and ears of the people, even if it will cost him his liberty."
- Mordechai Vanunu's acceptance speech upon receiving the Lennon Ono Peace Award in New York City, delivered by Nick and Mary Eoloff because Vanunu can't leave Israel -

"Both candidates would continue the war, and they agree that withdrawing without victory is not an option. Both would increase the training of Iraqi soldiers and police so that the Iraqis themselves, ultimately, can fight their own battles. Both would draw the United Nations and other countries in, although Kerry promises to do so with more energy and credibility. Both believe an elected Iraqi government will yield a legitimate Iraqi government and enable the war to wind down.
"There's only one problem with this reasoning: It's wrong."
- Rajan Menon: The No-Win Solution - American withdrawal without victory seems inevitable. It's just a matter of when -

"[I]f it shall become necessary, to repel invasion, the President may, without violation of the Constitution, cross the line, and invade the territory of another country; and that whether such necessity exists in any given case, the President is to be the sole judge."
- William H. Herndon in a letter to his former law partner, Abraham Lincoln -

"Allow the President to invade a neighboring nation, whenever he shall deem it necessary to repel an invasion, and you allow him to do so whenever he may choose to say he deems it necessary for such a purpose -- and you allow him to make war at pleasure. If today, he should choose to say he thinks it necessary to invade Canada, to prevent the British from invading us, how could you stop him? You may say to him, 'I see no probability of the British invading us' but he will say to you, 'Be silent; I see it, if you don't.'"
- Abraham Lincoln in response to the letter from William H. Herndon, Feb. 15, 1848 -

"Conservatism makes no poetry, breathes no prayer, has no invention; it is all memory."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors."
- Plato -

"The Armed Forces are already chronically understaffed. In 2003, General Eric Shinseki testified before Congress that an additional 50,000 troops would be needed beyond what the Bush administration said would be necessary to stabilize Iraq after the invasion. The President ignored him. We do not have enough troops in Afghanistan to be able to stabilize the country, as shown by the continual putting off of elections well past their announced date. In an effort to free up yet more troops in the coming years, we are moving troops away from the Demilitarized Zone in Korea and reducing the number of troops on the Korean Peninsula at a time when North Korea poses more of a danger to the U.S. - not less. Because of the President's military adventurism, our Armed Forces are under enormous pressure. The only place to go for more troops is a draft."
- Howard Dean: Hidden Agenda: A National Draft in the Future? -

"A true Patriot loves his country always, and his government as warranted..."
- Samuel Langhorne Clemens -

"Now that criminals like Martha Stewart are safely in jail and terrorists like Cat Stevens can no longer enter America - I sure feel safe now! Maybe it's time for me to take the bars off the windows!"
- Marc Perkel -

On October 13th, hundreds of activists nationwide will post hand-painted signs on freeways across America critical of the war in Iraq and the Bush administration. The event is the first annual National Freeway Free Speech Day: Driving America to Think.

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