A Letter from Tom Robbins

Thanks to all the German speakers among you, we now know that in last week's letter, Tom Robbins said "Ich bin krank," which means "I am sick." A free breakfast at the "Amnesty International House of Pancakes" for all who answered correctly. (Try the banana republic waffles, they're to die for, or the Darryl Strawberry crepes and sign the petition to have him pardoned.}
 

Terrorists in Europe are blowing up discos instead of embassies.

    HR2592, the States' Rights to Medical Marijuana Act, amends federal law so that states that wish to permit the legal use of marijuana as a medicine for seriously ill patients may do so, without interference from the federal government.
    Okay, I'm ambivalent about this because if you smoke the same pot and you're not seriously ill, you still go straight to jail.
    If you admit you drink beer, people don't automatically assume you're an alcoholic, but for some reason when you admit you smoke pot, people automatically assume you're a pothead. Ain't so. I drink beer and smoke pot recreationally. I'm not addicted, easily go months without either, and only use them when appropriate. (Please don't tell me you watch Adam Sandler movies straight) Anyone who wants to call me an alcoholic or a pothead can go fuck themselves. 
    Now imagine you're a dark-skinned black man in the south in the '60s. There's a law stating black people have to sit at the back of the bus. Now imagine that a law is passed allowing light-skinned black people to sit wherever they want. Even though all your light-skinned black friends were saying "Hey, chill out, it's a step in the right direction, don't worry, you're next," you'd still think the new law was ludicrous because it continued to allow bus drivers to judge people by the color of their skin. YOU still had to sit at the back of the bus.
     That's how I feel about HR2592. An unjust law is being fixed in such a way that it has no effect upon ME whatsoever. I can still go to jail for getting myself in the mood to watch Adam Sandler. Obviously I'm not selfish enough to stand in the way of sick people getting their medicine, so I'm for HR2592, conditionally. It's still bad law. Marijuana should be legal for absolutely any adult, even if all that's sick about them is their sense of humor.

If you eat salmon because it's full of heart-healthy omega-3, perhaps you should know that more than 50% of all salmon sold in the U.S. is farm-grown with almost no omega-3 at all.

The Colombian government has announced that on July 28, 2002, it will begin a massive campaign of aerial spraying of illicit coca plants in the southern Colombian state of Putumayo. Spray campaigns in Colombia, which use glyphosate-based herbicides, have caused widespread damage to crops, ecosystems and human health. The campaigns are supposed to target large producers of coca and opium poppy (the raw materials for cocaine and heroin), but the main victims are small farmers and indigenous communities.

Got a good color printer? Go ahead, print out 10 Posters by Michael Dare.

Jennifer Lopez is filing for divorce.

As rescuers worked to save nine miners trapped in a Pennsylvania coal mine, other rescuers were working to save nine minors trapped in a confessional in New Jersey.

Paul Croft forwarded issue 11 to someone in Switzerland and got the following reply:

Hi Paul

Just wanted to say I really liked the piece on US foreign policy.

It's dead on about making the US more and more unpopular. I live in Switzerland, and I have never in my life (47 years) known the European popular opinion to be so anti-American. Clinton was pretty popular here despite his faults, but Bush is probably the least popular president ever. His new plans for an informant in every neighborhood take the US one step further to being one of those totalitarian states that are either despised or supported depending on how it fits foreign policy. Or are they Bush's plans at all? A common opinion here is that he is not over-endowed with intelligence, and is just a puppet...

John

Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 316.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

I've got a great idea for a movie that I know would be successful. Unfortunately, I don't know how to write a script. Any chance you'd co-write it with me in exchange for a piece of it?

Thanks,

Rudy

Dear Rudy,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

Sometimes I sit down to write something that I'm getting paid for. Those are good times, and I always try to satisfy the assignment as creatively as possible.

Sometimes I sit down to write something that I'm not getting paid for, something like, oh, this letter, or a novel. When that happens, I'm doing it for one of two reasons. a) I've volunteered to help people and I like writing letters because it jump-starts my real writing by getting those fingers moving, or b) I'm writing something that has sprung from the deepest darkest depths of my dangerously demonic soul, something that can only be expressed through writing my brains out without the slightest consideration of salability, accessibility, or even coherency.

That's it. I don't write for free for any other reasons. The sad fact is no professional writer would do what you ask without pay because that is what we do for a living. Think of us like bricklayers who use words. Try finding someone in construction who will build you a wall for free just because it's a cool wall. They'll tell you the same thing I'm telling you. We don't care how good your idea is because it doesn't make any difference to us. We're laborers who do what we're told. Hell, I'll turn your idea into a screenplay even if it's crap as long as you pay me because that's what I do for a living, and by the time I'm done with it, it will be fantastic, whether it started out as crap or not.

You get the drift. Please don't feel insulted. I know you don't know any better, but people in Hollywood who try to get writers to work for free by offering them a piece of the action are called con artists.

Pay someone or just write it yourself.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

July 29, 2002

5. Four soldiers at Fort Bragg killed their wives but NBC still won't cancel Friends.

4. Qwest Communications International Inc. expects to restate its earnings for 1999 to 2001 because of accounting errors, including not billing George W. Bush for all those cell phone calls to Saddam Hussein planning out the next mid-east war.

3. Nine tons of dead squid washed ashore in La Jolla, CA, on the same day that Lance Armstrong coasted across the finish line on the Champs-Élysées, winning his fourth consecutive Tour de France. Coincidence? I don't think so.

2. Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill is pushing Congress to pass President Bush's economic agenda, which includes free lemonade for Hitler, still in the 3rd level of hell.

And the number one person going to hell this week...

1. Zacarias Moussaoui says he's innocent unless innocent means "not guilty" in which case he's guilty.

Personal to Jim: Now there's ice cream in hell.
Personal to Carl: Now there's air conditioning in hell.

Satan for President in 2004

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

Israel murders 12 times as many civilians as the PLO.

LAWSUITS FROM HELL

A black family is suing Pizza Hut because they were refused service. Says Pizza Hut: "We were out of cheese."

A fat guy is suing four different fast food chains for making him fat.

LEGISLATION FROM HELL

There's a bill before Congress that allows hacking of P2P sites.

George W. Bush pushed a bill that gives the dictator, oops, president power to make trade deals that Congress can only ratify or reject, not change.

The Homeland Security Bill denies the staff collective bargaining rights.

CARTOON FROM HELL

QUESTION FROM HELL

"If pro and con are opposites, is progress the opposite of congress?"
- Paul Harvey -

HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL

The only known photograph of Chadsworth W. Bush,
George W's great-great uncle
standing on the gallows platform 
about to be hung for bank robbery and stock fraud 
in Connecticut in 1899. 

In the past 10 years, the Securities and Exchange Commission has turned 609 of its most offensive offenders over to the Justice Department for potential criminal prosecution. Of those, only 187 ended up facing criminal charges. And of those, only 87 went to jail.

AWARD FROM HELL

QUOTES FROM HELL

"How dare you print my letter last week without permission! Remove it immediately."
- Connie Lingus -

"Changing my name doesn't solve the problem, you bastard. Take down the letter of mine you printed last week!"
- Dick Head -

"All right, I've had enough of this. You do not have permission to use this letter in your rag, no matter what name you use."
- Cardinal Richelieu -

"I am equally disturbed when you take my words without asking as I would be to find my neighbor rummaging through my garage."
- John Gotti -

"Satan is a brilliant writer - you are lucky he even pays attention to you."
- Martha Stewart -

"  "
- Helen Keller -

"I would be happy to add to any one of your columns."
- Saddam Hussein -

"Stay out of this, you putz."
- Ariel Sharon -

"People, people, you've got to learn to control your anger."
- OJ -

"No you don't. Beat the living crap out of him."
- Dalai Lama -

"I would say more but I'm afraid you'd quote me with a gag attribution that would turn out to be my real name."
- Keanu Reeves -

"I did not have sex with Keanu Reeves."
- Tom Cruise -

"Yes you did."
- Nicole Kidman -

"Please change my name on that last letter, and keep Bill Clinton away from my cigars."
- Winston Churchill -

"I did not have sex with Tom Cruise."
- Bill Clinton -

"Yes you did."
- Keanu Reeves -

"I am getting kinda annoyed at the pissing contest that is going on here!"
- Billy Bob Thornton -

"That's not what you said on our honeymoon."
- Angelina Jolie -

"Show and tell is over and it's time to get a life."
- Carrot Top -

"Can't we all just behave like civilized people and resolve this in a democratic fashion?"
- George W. Bush -

"You mean the loser gets to be dictator?"
- Al Gore -

"I really hate that you insulted Mr. Bush. He doesn't deserve that from anyone."
- Mai Butt -

"I apologize for this display of aggravation."
- Osama bin Laden -

"This is better than watching professional wrestling!"
- Fay Slift -

"I'm reminded of an episode of The Newhart Show (that's the one where he was a handyman writer who owned an inn in Vermont). He was being sued by another guy who wrote a how-to-be-handy book, who was accusing Bob/Dick of plagiarism. Newhart was on the stand, and asked the judge: "How do you give instructions to 'remove the faucet' without sounding like everyone else? 'Take the faucet; remove it?'".
- Bob Woodward -

"You do not have permission to use that analogy. Take it down immediately!"
- Bob Newhart -

"I did not have sex with Bob Newhart!"
- a goat -

"I can't handle people playing with my emotions like this. I'm a delicate thing."
- Bishop Desmond Tutu -

"I found out that Imogene has stoled my pink sparkled bouffant hairdo and is now wearing a tight red #8 Dale Junior tank top just like me. I think she's after Clyde, but I ain't sure. Clyde said he was my main man, but you never can be too sure when Imogene starts flauntin' her two-bit plastic bitsies under that damned Dale Jr. Budweiser tank top. My floppers are real, I'd send ya a pitcher, but Clyde is awful jealous. Can I copyright my hairdo or should I just whup Imogene's jiggly lard butt?"
- Darlene Sugarwater -

"What the fuck was that?"
- Albert Schweitzer -

"I did not have sex with Albert Schweitzer."
- The guy in those Dell ads -

MONEY LAUNDERING FROM HELL

Halliburton Co. has been awarded a $9.7 million contract to build an additional 204-cell detention camp at the U.S. naval base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba to hold additional suspected al Qaeda and Taliban prisoners whose names are being withheld.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: A Buzzflash interview with Joe Conasan. Also, Bartcop reprints all my columns but that's not the only reason to go.

Okay, I know it's nuts to suggest that UFOs had anything to do with 9/11, and yet there's this site, entirely in Japanese, with photos and MPGs of the WTCs from new angles, just as they're exploding, and there are flying objects nearby that I sure as hell can't identify.

Actually, those pesky UFOs are showing up all over the place again. Check out UFO Roundup for the latest. Yee-haa!

This weekend, Earth will enter the outskirts of a cloud of comet debris marking the beginning of the annual Perseid meteor shower, which peaks on August 12th and 13th. The Perseids are one of the year's best shows.

Damage from Acid Rain Pollution is far worse than previously believed.

It's the oldest trick in the book, dating back to Roman times; creating the enemies you need. Read Fake Terror - The Road to Dictatorship by Michael Rivero.

Just three nights before President George W. Bush arrived at the swank Colony Resort on Longboat Key on the evening of Sept. 10, 2001, Mohamed Atta was staying at a slightly-less tony hotel just two miles down the beach, the Holiday Inn Hotel & Suites-Longboat Key, according to eyewitnesses who contacted the FBI in the immediate aftermath of the attack. Read more at The Mystery of Longboat Key.

Curious about anything legal or political? Here's a great set of research links.

Another incredible collection of Web Sources for Military History. 

Recent pronouncements from the Bush Administration, and national security initiatives put in place in the Reagan era, could see internment camps and martial law in the United States.

Need a laugh? Go here to find a "Certified Laugh Leader" in your neighborhood.

The U.S. is blocking a U.N. convention on torture out of fear that it could be interpreted as allowing independent observers to visit U.S. prisons and terrorism suspects being held by the U.S. at its naval base at Guantanamo Bay.

Everything you need to know about the coming war in Iraq.

Anne Coulter, fact or fiction?