After moving all their sites producing weapons of mass destruction out of Baghdad, Iraq invited a US Congressional team to visit Baghdad to search sites suspected of producing weapons of mass destruction.

Grab your cat and watch this.

Max was happy
I suppose
to be born with just one nose
If he had
been born with two
Who would know
which one he blew?

Number of days since 9/11 that Osama bin Laden has not been found - 323.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

In your article about John Landis, you say "1983 was certainly the worst year of Landis' career. Journalists around the world lambasted Landis for The Twilight Zone accident, forgetting that the reason it was called an accident is that it wasn't on purpose."

Hey, douchebag. Accident?  Filming illegally, at night, with explosives and kids?  Fuck John Landis, and fuck you.

Sandy.
 

Dear Sandy,

    I was hired by Daily Variety to write an overview of the career of John Landis for a special "Billion Dollar Director" issue celebrating his life. Okay, I could have turned down the job but why? It was a major assignment from a major paper that would get me read by everyone in Hollywood. I didn't know going into it how I would deal with The Twilight Zone accident, and I knew it would be tricky because it was a tribute. I unquestionably had to mention it, but in such a way that no one would be offended. If I had written "In 1982, John Landis committed manslaughter through his own personal negligence, causing an actor and two children to be decapitated, somehow managing to elude jail through a gross miscarriage of justice," do you think they would have printed it? Sure. And Hitler would have left in footage of concentration camps if Leni Riefenstahl had put them in Triumph of the Will.
    This was a job for hire and I did it as professionally as possible. That's what being a professional writer is all about. Once I accepted the assignment, I did NOT have final say. I was working with a slew of editors who made it clear to me that I didn't have to write a puff piece, but I still had to be careful not to offend the studios or Landis, who were participants in the project. I struggled with the Twilight Zone reference and wrote the sentence you mentioned, which was printed verbatim, so the editors obviously thought I solved the problem correctly. Sometimes you've got to say things a certain way because that's the job.
    If you're still pissed off at John Landis because of The Twilight Zone, I understand. I'm not too happy that Elia Kazan testified in front of the House of Un-American Activities Committee, but A Streetcar Named Desire, On the Waterfront, and East of Eden are still pretty good. 
    John Landis may be a horrible human being. I've never really met the guy. As inexcusable as his and other's actions were during the shooting of The Twilight Zone, there's still Animal House, The Blues Brothers, Trading Places and American Werewolf in London, so I'm conflicted. I like a lot of his films. Whatever you think of him morally, he's one of the best living comedy directors who just happened to decapitate some children.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

August 5, 2002

Only one person is going to hell this week. What the hell's the matter with you people? Get out there and get into mischief.

1. Ed costar Josh Randall was caught smoking crack with a homeless man near the Brooklyn Navy Yard at the same time nine miners were saved from certain death in Pennsylvania. Coincidence? I don't think so. Way to go, Josh! You're an underground hero. 

Personal to Andre: Ever notice that Vin Diesel and Benito Mussolini have never been seen together?
Personal to Marcus: You were a little short. Expect a visitor.

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

PEACE PROCESS FROM HELL

Attacks on Peace Corps volunteers are going up.

A PROMISE, NOT A THREAT, FROM HELL

If Satan doesn't get a speaking part in Disney's proposed MOW about the Pennsylvania miners, more people will die during production than died in Pennsylvania.

LEGISLATION FROM HELL

Anti-choice legislators are again willing to sacrifice women’s health to advance their own political agenda with H.R. 4965, the “Partial-Birth Abortion” Ban Act of 2002. The bill contains no exception to preserve the health of the woman — which the Supreme Court has declared a necessity since Roe v. Wade - and criminalizes doctors for providing their patients with appropriate medical care. Stop the bastards.

CARTOON FROM HELL

QUIZ FROM HELL

If Bush had succeeded in privatizing Social Security a year ago, the retirement funds of millions of Americans would have been invested in...

a) Enron stock
b) WorldCom stock

FABLE FROM HELL

    A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 
    The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." 
    "Well then," Kenny replied, "just give me my money back." 
    The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." 
    "OK, then just unload the donkey," said Kenny.
    The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" 
    "I'm going to raffle him off," said Kenny. 
    "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" 
    "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 
    A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" 
    "I raffled him off," said Kenny. "I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.00." 
    "Didn't anyone complain?" asked the farmer.
    "Just the guy who won," said Kenny, "so I gave him his $2 back."
    Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron and best friends with the crooked president of the United States.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

    On May 23, 1933, Congressman, Louis T. McFadden, brought formal charges against the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve Bank system, The Comptroller of the Currency and the Secretary of United States Treasury for numerous criminal acts, including but not limited to CONSPIRACY, FRAUD, UNLAWFUL CONVERSION, AND TREASON. 
    The petition for Articles of Impeachment was referred to the Judiciary Committee and, almost 70 years later, has YET TO BE ACTED ON. Check out Congressman McFadden's amazing speech on the Federal Reserve Corporation and why the United States should be out of the banking business. Every word of it has come true.

"You are a den of vipers and thieves. I intend to rout you out, and by the Eternal God, I will rout you out."
- President Andrew Jackson stated in reference to the bankers at the state of his administration. -

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

To get odors out of plastic containers: place crumpled newspaper inside the container and seal it overnight.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Matters of great concern should be treated lightly."
- Lord Naoshige -

"Matters of small concern should be treated seriously."
- Master Ittei -

“Telling it like it is while seeing it as it ain’t.”
- Jon Fernati describing Bill Hicks' comedic style -

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"
- Emo Philips -

"There is no greater threat, today, to the powers that be, than an informed American public." 
- Carol Brouillet -

"In combat, officers eat last. In the economic turmoil, the economic warfare that they faced, Enron officers ate first."
- Senator Cleland of Georgia -

"Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor."
- Werner von Braun -

"Patriotism means to stand by the country, it does not mean to stand by the President or any other public official."
- Theodore Roosevelt -

"The world moves and ideas that were good once are not always good."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower -

"Where the people fear the government, you have tyranny; where the government fears the people, you have liberty."
- attributed to Caesar Read, Thomas Jefferson, but mainly Anonymous -

"It is error alone which needs the support of government. Truth can stand by itself."
- Thomas Jefferson - 

"Bush had good speechwriters; it's just that this time the ventriloquists were failed by the dummy."
- Richard Cohen, Washington Post -

“I like to read the Bible in public places and then yell out, ‘Bullshit!’”
- Zach Galifianakis -

"There are only four questions of value in life, Don Octavio. What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for and what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love."
- Don Juan de Marco -

"Why do you bring fools to judge my work?"
- Michelangelo to the Pope in The Agony and the Ecstasy -

MEDICAL ADVICE FROM HELL

"Women who hold their stillborn infants may suffer more psychological trauma than those who don't; Women who dress their stillborns in cute babyclothes and keep them in the house, pretending that they're actually growing up and talking to the dead corpses daily in babytalk fare even worse."
- National Lampoon -

SPAM FROM HELL

"I am working with a pornography business, and I have secured evidence that you committed adultery. Unless you send 1 million won to me, I will publicize it." 
- Letter sent to over 250 randomly selected business executives in Korea. The sender, now in jail for extortion, received 9 million won ($7,500) from nine executives before getting caught -

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Step right up, get yer tragedy right here. A company in Georgia used recycled pieces of steel from the World Trade Center to make medallions, which it sold for $30 each. That's right, find out how they're peddling 9/11.

The decision announced last week to withhold the $34 million United States contribution to the United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) will cost uncounted women and children their lives. If historical patterns hold, UNFPA says that the loss of the U.S. contribution -- 12 percent of its $270 million budget -- will translate to 2 million more unwanted pregnancies, 800,000 more abortions, 4,700 more dead mothers and 77,000 more deaths among children under 5. 

Calling all potheads. Check out Marijuana Myths.

We're Jeff and Tracy. We're Your Good neighbors. We Smoke Pot.

Hello Jeff and Tracy. If you happen to be going to Hempfest 2002, be sure to bring me back something like, oh, I don't know, surprise me.

Notice to all criminals; if you're going to commit crimes, don't videotape yourself doing them.

Can you picture a bright and happy future for all of mankind? Jim Channon can. Check out Adventures in Social Architecture - Civilization as a Fine Art.

Somebody needs to inform the president that George Orwell's 1984 is a warning against totalitarianism -- not a how-to manual.

Ayn Rand says money is the root of all good.

British scientific researchers have demonstrated for the first time that genetically modified DNA material from crops is finding its way into human gut bacteria, raising potentially serious health questions. Although the genetically modified material in most GM foods poses no health problems, many of the controversial crops have antibiotic-resistant marker genes inserted into them at an early stage in development. If genetic material from these marker genes can also find its way into the human stomach, as experiments at Newcastle university suggest is likely, then people's resistance to widely used antibiotics could be compromised. 

A former Reagan aide has come out in favor of medical marijuana.

Daypop is a great way to search 7500 news sites and weblogs for specific current events and breaking news.

Are we or are we not a Christian nation? Visit The Faith of our Founding Fathers to find out.

Okay, it's got links to pornography, but it's also a serious outlet for sex news.

Don't have $25,000 to buy one? Here's a site where you can read the entire Action Comics #1, featuring the first appearance of Superman.

Yes, it's a new list of the Top 10 Conservative Idiots.

The truth about Bush's proposed Palestinian State.

Before you get angry at the first family for taking time off this week, check out Laura Bush's to-do list during her and hubby's vacation at the Crawford Ranch.