Too Much Information

Jimmy Carter once cut a fart in an elevator with Yasser Arafat.

The doctor who investigated Ronald Reagan for intestinal polyps once got a B in physics.

In a secret ceremony, five sumo wrestlers vomited on George Bush Sr.

Dick Cheney wears Depends.

Brad Pitt once got breast reduction surgery.

Bill Gates has a secret harem of women of all nationalities who know code.

Seventeen presidents have had sex with the Declaration of Independence.

Hamburger contains the soul of the cow.

Using a computer lets you read minds, or so they want you to think.

If it's not wrong, it might be right.

If it's not right, it might be wrong.

Too much self restraint gives you a heart attack.

Your fifth grade teacher had the hots for you.

When Bette Davis won her second Oscar, she hadn't had a bowel movement in three days.

George W. Bush didn't sign the Kyoto Protocols because he had a hangnail.

The world's not going to end till you do.

As you get older, every day is a smaller percentage of the days of your life.

Eating avocado is nutritionally the same as eating butter.

Nobody ever measured Abraham Lincoln's inseam.

The fatter you are, the less chance you have of getting blown away in a hurricane.

They already know everything about you.

Web Gallery of the Week

Web from stoned spider

     Scientists at the United States National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) have turned their attention from the mysteries of the cosmos to a more esoteric area of research: what happens when you get a spider stoned.
    "Their experiments have shown that common house spiders spin their webs in different ways according to the psychotropic drug they have been given. Spiders on marijuana made a reasonable stab at spinning webs but appeared to lose concentration about half-way through. Those on Benzedrine - "speed" - spin their webs "with great gusto, but apparently without much planning leaving large holes", according to New Scientist magazine.
- Results of experiments with Spiders and Drugs -

Cut & Paste

a poem by Michael Dare

Gee, that sounds great.
Send me a million of 'em.
Here's my credit card number, and if that's a problem, here's my bank account number, with my social security number thrown in.
Oh, and here's my PIN in case there's a problem.
I can't believe I've never heard of you.
Come on by.
Here's my address and the directions to my kid's school.
Could you pick them up on the way over?
That would be swell.
Bring a pizza.
Hang out for a while.
I really want the kids to get to know you.
Maybe I can show you some of our family pictures.
I can tell we're going to be pals for life.
Where do you come up with these things? 
You must be a genius.
I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.
I'm so jealous of someone with the ability to express themselves the way you do.
You're my hero.
There's nothing you can do to piss me off.
I trust you.
Want to borrow a video or record I can't replace?
Go ahead.
I know you'll return it some day.
Can I loan you any money?
That would be swell.
You can take your time paying me back.
I've got an extra slice of pie in the fridge.
Want it?
No bother at all.
I'll clean up.
Here's a warm towel.
I'm going to tell all my friends about you.
Can we get a picture together?
I want my grandchildren to see that I met you.
Keep up the good work.
You're an inspiration for generations to come.
You're so much more than you appear.
Still waters run deep.
Your epitaph will read
he did so much
for others
No one will ever forget.

Cereal of the Week

The Museum of Food Anomalies

Stupid Answers of the Week

Last week's question from Peter in Brooklyn...

When the Rapture comes will obscenely fat and ugly people fly up to heaven naked? Or does being obscenely fat and ugly preclude any chance of flying up to heaven? And, without being presumptuous, suppose I want to keep my clothes on?

My Dear Peter,
   Thank You for your interest in the Afterlife. While I strive to ensure the highest quality post-living conditions for the faithful, there are still bugs to be worked out regarding that whole "flying up to Heaven" thing.
   Unfortunately, at this time, clothing does not handle the extreme heat encountered in the journey very well. I do maintain a "clothing optional" policy here but, except for a handful of former astronauts, most go "au natural". If you are seriously opposed to being nude for eternity, may I suggest experimenting with different fabrics? Perhaps a lightweight summer blend of asbestos and ceramic tile?
   You may be happy to know that fat does not travel well either. Nor does skin or facial features. Christ, it looks like the burn ward outside a Great White concert around here... Or Osaka in the 40's. Everybody all crispy and charred. The smell is awful, just awful.
See you soon,
- God

    In the rapture, class distinctions, like fat/svelte; ugly/fair; clothed/unclothed; late/on-time; smart/dumb, etc., will cease to matter, so no one will notice any of the shit you asked about, heathen, unlike the pre-rapture times, when class distinctions are so important that all anyone can talk about is getting in with the Jesus crowd.
    A better question regards the accommodations in flight: Movies? Rest room facilities? Drink cart? What refreshments will be provided? Will the trays need to be returned to their upright location, or can you continue playing travel Yahtzee throughout?- palantir If obscenely fat and ugly people fly, I will avert my eyes. (shout out to the holy grail's animator, terry gilliam.) without being presumptuous, I suggest you wear speedos. Nobody peels speedos from a pig. (a wink and a nod to Pink Floyd's "pigs")
- dburke11

    While there is no desire to perplex,
In Heaven there is no sex.
So allay all your naked fear,
Your genitals will surely disappear.
   If you're insanely fat,
The Rapture is where it's at.
Your clothes you won't need to recapture,
Because your fat disappears in the Rapture.
   This may be said rather smugly,
But Heaven is no place for ugly.
Meet the non-pulchritudinous drover,
And submit to Heaven's Extreme Makeover.
   So now that we're all Barbie and Ken,
We'll get into Heaven, amen.
To bad for the political Jekylls and Hydes,
There's no cure for scrofulous insides.
- Pentimental

Mike mate
   When the rapture comes we all get transformed to look like Marilyn Monroe or John Wayne, or any of the myriad of beautiful people who infest the viewing screens of the world; I want to be a cross between Robert Redford and Paul Newman with the body of Carl Lewis.
   All the fat people's fat falls into the fires of Hell to feed the flames for all the unbelievers who have to choke on the stink as well as eating it.
    You can only stay clothed if you're wearing Gucci or St. Laurent.
   My 72 virgins will all be a cross between Jane Mansfield (avec head), Sean Young and Linda Lovelace, in varying combinations.
- Wal

The Rapture has already happened (according to Deanna Swift at The Swift Report) and yet all these annoying Randall Terry-toons hellfire Morlochs and religious-right kook-a-boos are still with us. What do we have to do to get rid of them - make George W. Bush the new Pope? Would they then all move to Rome and leave us miserable heathens alone? Uh...what was the question?
- RSJ

The Rapture happened in 1988 so it's a moot question....
- Pete S.

    The question of afterlife apparel is a good one. There seem to be three main alternatives:
   a) Burial garb - Whatever you are buried in is what you have to wear forever. That's why we take care to put on our best suits and dresses, makeup, etc.
   b) Godly garb - When you enter the Pearly Gates, you are issued the standard uniform of toga and sandals. Both are hard to explain, since one would not need sandals to tread on clouds and streets of gold. And the toga parties are going on somewhere else.
   c) Divine Gap -- Somewhere in the otherworld, there is a Gap store where you can barter indulgences for the latest in heavenly raiment. This allows the style conscious spirit to stay up with the latest fashions, while providing an alternative to purgatory for the employees. Be seeing you..
- Charles Watkins

Peter from Brooklyn has bigger things to think about than going up to Heaven with or without clothes. He's from Brooklyn. Going straight to Heaven is too much of a shock when coming from Brooklyn. He has to do like everybody else and spend some years in Florida.
- Locke Milholland

And, on another subject...

In relating the Pope's fate of eternal celibacy AFTER the month with the 77 virgins, you forgot to give absolutely no credit whatsoever to your fellow scriptsmiths, whoever wrote the only philosophical porn film with a moral, The Devil In Miss Jones.
Kind regards,
Jimmy McConnell

Stupid Questions of the Week

Locke Milholland asks: Is Gonzo Journalism named in honor of Gonzo from the Muppets, or is Gonzo from the Muppets named after Gonzo Journalism? 

Spare Ribs asks: What happens to amputated body parts? 

Jeff Crook asks: Do you think that the (as-yet unconfirmed) lion-killer apes of Central Africa are a new ape species, or are they just sexually-frustrated bonobos who were converted by Christian missionaries? Or did Diane Fossey fake her own beheading and hook up with Dr. Moreau to create a new master race of super apes who will one day dominate the world and enslave humanity until Charlton Heston comes through time to save us?

Take your pick.

Send your answers to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com.

 
 

Quiz of the Week

Explaining why there is no trust fund for Social Security, President Bush referred to just IOUs. These IOUs are:

     a) a random collection of scraps of paper with the letters IOU scrawled on them. 
    b) Cash from the Monopoly game, which can be used to buy property or traded for Get Out of Jail Free cards. 
    c) U.S. Treasury bonds backed by the full faith and credit of the United States Government. 

The "affected unit" provision in The Clear Skies Bill will:

    a) Set limits on mercury emissions from coal-fired power plants near a body of water affected by the pollution. 
    b) Protect affected mothers and children from mercury poisoning. 
    c) Exempt 39% of all coal-fired power plants from having to cut the mercury they release into the air and water.

- Ironic Times -

Today in History

Five years ago today, W met the Pope

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

     According to research at the University of Illinois, canned vegetables have MORE nutrients than so-called "fresh" veggies.
    How is this possible? Canned vegetables lose some vitamins when they're cooked for canning. However, fresh vegetables lose almost exactly the same amount of nutrients when you cook them at home.
   The canned veggies, however, are cooked within hours after leaving the vine - so the nutrient content is still very high, while those fresh vegetables are often picked weeks before they reach your table so they have lost much of their nutritional value.

Don't Take My Word For It

"It is good to have an end to journey towards; but it is the journey that matters in the end."
- Ursula K. LeGuin -

"Not to be absolutely certain is, I think, one of the essential things in rationality."
- Bertrand Russell: Am I An Atheist Or An Agnostic? -

"Rogues are preferable to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest."
- Alexandre Dumas -

    "After four years of George W. Bush, the notions that some people might be too dangerous or unstable to trust with a firearm or that assault weapons do not belong in civilized society are deader than a wild turkey in hunting season.
    "During Bush's first campaign, a National Rifle Assn. leader quipped, 'If we win, we'll have a president where we work out of their office.' How right he was.
    "Over the last four years, the president and his congressional allies have repudiated or quietly eviscerated key gun laws and regulations. Now they are poised to shield firearms makers and sellers from nearly all damage claims when their products kill or maim. Not only is this a gift no other industry enjoys, it's a truly bad idea that even gun owners have reason to oppose."
- Remember Gun Control? -

    "The history of Chicano complaints against cops in East L.A. is not a happy one. 'The cops never lose,' Acosta told me, 'and they won't lose this one either. They just murdered the only guy in the community they were really afraid of [Ruben Salazar], and I guarantee you no cop will ever stand trial for it. Not even for manslaughter.'
    "I could accept that. But it was difficult, even for me, to believe that the cops had killed him deliberately. I knew they were capable of it, but I was not quite ready to believe they had actually done it... because once I believed that, I also had to accept the idea that they are prepared to kill anybody who seemed to be annoying them. Even me."
- Hunter S. Thompson: Strange Rumblings in Axtlan, Rolling Stone, 1971 -

    "Over the past ten years, attention deficit disorder (ADD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has emerged from the relative obscurity of cognitive psychologists, research laboratories to become the 'disease du jour' of America's schoolchildren. Accompanying this popularity has been a virtually complete acceptance of the validity of this 'disorder' by scientists, physicians, psychologists, educators, parents, and others. Upon closer critical scrutiny, however, there is much to be troubled about concerning ADD/ADHD as a real medical diagnosis.
    "There is no definitive objective set of criteria to determine who has ADD/ADHD and who does not. Rather, instead, there are a loose set of behaviors (hyperactivity, distractibility, and impulsivity) that combine in different ways to give rise to the 'disorder.' These behaviors are highly context-dependent. A child may be hyperactive while seated at a desk doing a boring worksheet, but not necessarily while singing in a school musical. These behaviors are also very general in nature and give no clue as to their real origins. A child can be hyperactive because he's bored, depressed, anxious, allergic to milk, creative, a hands-on learner, has a difficult temperament, is stressed out, is driven by a media-mad culture, or any number of other possible causes. The tests that have been used to determine if someone has ADD/ADHD are either artificially objective and remote from the lives of real children (in one test, a child is asked to press a button every time he sees a 1 followed by a 9 on a computer screen) , or hopelessly subjective (many rating scales ask parents and teachers to score a child's behavior on a scale from 1 to 5: these scores depend upon the subjective attitudes more than the actual behaviors of the children involved)."
- Thomas Armstrong: The Myth Of Attention Deficit Disorder -

    "In fact, there were so many PR agencies being hired to write and produce fictitious news segments that the General Accountability Office forbade federal agencies from creating their own news reports 'that conceal or do not clearly identify for the television viewing audience that the agency was the source of materials.' The GAO said this violates government restrictions on covert propaganda - something we haven't even been allowed to use during the Iraq war.
    "In other words, we can torture people, we just can't lie to them."
- Erik Deckers: Extra! Extra! Journalists Sometimes Lie! -

"Man is the only animal which causes pain to others without any further purpose except to cause it." 
- Arthur Schopenhauer -

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning."
- His Holiness the Bill Gates -

"You will not be able to give anyone happiness by means of your wealth, so do it by means of a cheerful countenance and good humor."
- The Prophet Muhammad in Qushayri: al-Risalat al-Qushayriyya -

"God does not have the monopoly on omnipresence: this is a privilege enjoyed by Injustice as well." 
- Christopher Spranger: The Effort To Fall -

    "There's a new front in law enforcement's self-proclaimed 'War on Drugs' and its name is DUID.
    "DUID, short for 'driving under the influence of drugs,' is the new buzzword among politicians and police - however, in this case, words can be deceiving. Though billed by its sponsors as a necessary tool to crack down on 'drugged driving' offenses, in reality, DUID laws - in particular 'zero tolerance' per se laws - have virtually nothing to do with promoting public safety or identifying motorists who drive while impaired. Rather, the enactment and enforcement of zero tolerance DUID legislation is a direct and calculated assault on the lives and liberties of marijuana smokers, many of whom are just now beginning to feel the laws' effects.
   "DUID laws come in various shapes and sizes, some more pernicious than others. Today, every state has DUID legislation on the books...

   "Per se laws prohibit drivers from operating a motor vehicle if they have greater than a set level of a drug or drug metabolite present in their system. Most of us are already familiar with the most common driving-related per se laws: those governing drunk driving which define a driver as legally impaired per se if their blood alcohol level tests above .08. Similar per se laws with strictly defined cut-off levels are uncommon for DUID legislation. (To date, only Nevada has enacted per se standards for DUID offenses.) Why? Because, according to the US Department of Transportation: 'Forensic toxicologists generally have failed to agree on specific [per se levels] that could be designated as evidence of impairment. The lack of consensus about per se levels of drugs where impairment could be deemed makes it difficult to identify, prosecute or convict drugged drivers in most states.'
   "Predictably, politicians and police have a simple, if unscientific, solution to researchers' failure to define per se standards for DUID offenses: to enact 'zero tolerance' per se laws. These laws forbid drivers from operating a motor vehicle if they have any detectable level of an illicit drug or drug metabolite present in their person's bodily fluids. In essence, zero tolerance per se laws define a new, driving-related offense that is, in the words of one of its chief proponents, 'divorced from impairment.' Under this standard, any driver who tests positive for any trace amount of an illicit drug or drug metabolite (an inert, non-psychoactive compound produced from chemical changes of a drug in the body), is guilty per se of the crime of 'drugged driving,' even if the defendant was sober. In the case of marijuana, these laws are particularly troublesome, as marijuana metabolites are fat soluble, and therefore, remain identifiable in certain bodily fluids (most notably, urine) for days and sometimes even weeks after past use. Consequently, under this law, a person who smoked a joint on Monday could conceivably be arrested on Friday and charged with 'drugged driving,' even though he or she is no longer impaired or intoxicated."
- Paul Armentano: "You Are Going Directly To Jail" - DUID Legislation: What It Means, Who's Behind It, and Strategies to Prevent It -

"Youkn hide de fier, but wat you gwine do wid de smoke?"
- Uncle Remus Plantation Proverbs -

"What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal."
- Albert Pike -

"A writer never has a vacation. For a writer life consists of either writing or thinking about writing."
- Eugene Ionesco -

"Too many have dispensed with generosity in order to practice charity."
- Albert Camus -

"Much of the social history of the Western world over the past three decades has involved replacing what worked with what sounded good."
- Thomas Sowell: Is Reality Optional? -

"All war must be just the killing of strangers against whom you feel no personal animosity; strangers whom, in other circumstances, you would help if you found them in trouble, and who would help you if you needed it."
- Mark Twain: The Private History of the Campaign That Failed -

"Through joy and through sorrow, I wrote. Through hunger and through thirst, I wrote. Through good report and through ill report, I wrote. Through sunshine and through moonshine, I wrote. What I wrote it is unnecessary to say."
- Edgar Allan Poe -

"If this movie is about something to me, it is about forgiveness. In the end, it doesn't matter whether they're going to get back together. What matters is that they forgive one another. You know, people stay together in dreadful marriages and never forgive one another. It's that forgiveness that matters, not whether they sleep together in the same bed again."
- Robert Benton on Kramer vs. Kramer 25 years later -

"The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind."
- H.L. Mencken -

"No to war! War is not always inevitable. It is always a defeat for humanity"
- Pope John Paul to diplomats before the war in Iraq -

"Any Catholic who participates in the war against Iraq in any way, shape, or form, is hereby excommunicated."
- Pope John Paul to nobody before the war in Iraq -

"Show me a hero and I'll write you a tragedy."
- F. Scott Fitzgerald -

"Once upon a time, I, Chuang Tzu, dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of following my fancies as a butterfly, and was unconscious of my individuality as a man. Suddenly, I awoke, and there I lay, myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man."
- Chuang Tzu -

Everything Else

Read all about Daylight Savings Time and why we all change our clocks twice a year instead of our schedules.

I can't believe you won't help Save the Plankton.