Stupid Answers of the Week

Locke Milholland asked: Is Gonzo Journalism named in honor of Gonzo from the Muppets, or is Gonzo from the Muppets named after Gonzo Journalism? 

The term was first used in print by Thompson in 1971, but he later (in Pollack's Stop Presses) claimed the term was coined by one of his editors: "Gonzo all started with Bill Cardosa,after I wrote the Kentucky Derby piece for Scanlan's- the first time I realized you could write different. And I got this note from Cardosa saying, 'That was pure Gonzo journalism!'...Some Boston word for weird, bizarre." There is no evidence to support Thompson's claim that it was a Boston regionalism. It may be based on either the Italian Gonzo or fool on the Spanish ganso, goose or fool.-- Wordorigins.org
- Waldo

nugent was gonzo
after hunter s. Thompson.
muppets came later.
- dburke11 [in a haiku mood]

By the Old Ones! These are stupid questions. The muppet Gonzo is in no way associated with Hunter Thompson, other than the fact that they liked to eat mescaline together and fuck chickens. Gonzo was the first acknowledged chicken-fucker on TV, a lot of people forget that. He is scheduled for termination in early 2006.
- David D. Stegemeyer

The answer is simple. Gonzo is Gonzo is Gonzo. A Gonzo by any other name would still smell like a biker hen on an acid trip. On the other hand (literally), journalists are muppets with big corporate hands up their butts making them say stupid things in funny voices to amuse children under the guise of educating them. 
- Jeff Crook

Spare Ribs asked: What happens to amputated body parts? 

Many people who have had a body part amputated place their amputated body part beneath their pillow over night. The amputated body part fairy will leave them a dime for amputated body part. After collecting several amputated body parts, the amputated body part fairy sells the body parts, in bulk, on E-bay. If you don't follow the tradition of placing your amputated body part beneath a pillow, the amputated body part is sometimes sent to the amputated body part morgue for preparation to be buried in an amputated body part cemetery. In other cases, the body part is simply tossed into a bin with this sign on it: "toss amputated body parts here." Some countries have an annual amputated body part memorial day to honor those who have had body parts amputated.
- Bill Moses.

fingertip is gone.
lost and found is of no help.
have wendy's chilli.
- dburke11 [still in a haiku mood]

Scientists harvest their DNA to create clones who are then encased in white PVC armor and sold to the Empire to repress entire star systems that are currently slipping through George Lucas' fingers. The remaining cellular material is pureed into a slurry to feed the gigantic, 3 billion year old alien brain living in a cave beneath Skywalker Ranch.
- Jeff Crook

They're used to make realistic plastic models for road crash testing, and for Karl Rove to experiment with, under the White House. Tom Delay eats what's left.
- Waldo

Some, apparently, serve as evidence in food spoliation lawsuits. Some are sold to second hand shops all around the nation. The rest, and by far the most, are used by recycled parts suppliers and junk yards as conversation pieces and curios. With great difficulty I am refraining from responding that they are detached and remain separate and apart for the balance of their days,
- palantir

They do not amputate in the biggest medical hoax. They jamb the limb inside like mating socks. That is why the limb still itches.
- AsA

Amputated limbs and cancerous organs are sent immediately to a large incinerator in the shadowy bowels of the hospital. After being picked clean of nutrients by various ravenous humanoid types (like the ones in the X-Files! Gosh!) they are cremated. The ashes are mixed with hashish oil and smeared upon the bodies of RNC contributors. Never say they didn't get anything for their money.
- David D. Stegemeyer

Jeff Crook asked: Do you think that the (as-yet unconfirmed) lion-killer apes of Central Africa are a new ape species, or are they just sexually-frustrated bonobos who were converted by Christian missionaries? Or did Diane Fossey fake her own beheading and hook up with Dr. Moreau to create a new master race of super apes who will one day dominate the world and enslave humanity until Charlton Heston comes through time to save us?

1) Both. See my new expose, What the sexually frustrated missionaries did with the Bonobos. 
2) No, unfortunately Ms Fossey is dead. However, the aforesaid missionaries did manage to harvest her ova, and the Bonobos are much more aggressive with this addition to the gene pool. Charlton Heston is almost dead, though his genes are spread widely through Hollywood and much of the America. Hence America's lively interest in guns and moronic politicians who don't tax rich people.
- Waldo

moreau? fossey? apes?
sexually frustrated?
dirty bonoboes
- dburke11 [still with the fucking Haikus]

And for the God's Sake, Chuck Heston died for our Sins in 'Beneath the Planet that went Ape'. To make allusions questioning the Sanctity of His Sacrifice is Supreme Heresy. Just look at our Chosen Leader. His Chimp-like visage stands in mute testimony to the unraveled time-line. We need never fear a simian take-over besides which we have already experienced. Praise St. Heston!!
- David D. Stegemeyer

Stupid Question of the Week

Michael Jackson may have to sell off portions of the Beatle catalogue to pay for his legal fees. What songs would be the most appropriate?

a) Help
b) Can't Buy Me Love
c) Come Together
d) Baby you can fuck my son
e) ?

Send your answers to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com.

Best Excuse for Converting to Judaism

You don't have to wear Christian T-shirts.

Super Patriotic Rock Whizbang of the Week

America We Stand as One, or download directly. Guaranteed to make you salute and/or barf.

Message from the Iraqi Resistance to the People of the World

     People of the world! These words come to you from those who up to the day of the invasion were struggling to survive under the sanctions imposed by the criminal regimes of the U.S. and Britain.
   We are simple people who chose principles over fear.
    We have suffered crimes and sanctions, which we consider the true weapons of mass destruction.
    Years and years of agony and despair, while the condemned UN traded with our oil revenues in the name of world stability and peace.
    Over two million innocents died waiting for a light at the end of a tunnel that only ended with the occupation of our country and the theft of our resources.
    After the crimes of the administrations of the U.S and Britain in Iraq, we have chosen our future. The future of every resistance struggle ever in the history of man.
    It is our duty, as well as our right, to fight back the occupying forces, which their nations will be held morally and economically responsible; for what their elected governments have destroyed and stolen from our land.
    We have not crossed the oceans and seas to occupy Britain or the U.S. nor are we responsible for 9/11. These are only a few of the lies that these criminals present to cover their true plans for the control of the energy resources of the world, in face of a growing China and a strong unified Europe . It is Ironic that the Iraqis are to bear the full face of this large and growing conflict on behalf of the rest of this sleeping world.
    We thank all those, including those of Britain and the U.S., who took to the streets in protest against this war and against Globalism. We also thank France , Germany and other states for their position, which least to say are considered wise and balanced, till now.
    Today, we call on you again.
    We do not require arms or fighters, for we have plenty.
    We ask you to form a world wide front against war and sanctions. A front that is governed by the wise and knowing. A front that will bring reform and order. New institutions that would replace the now corrupt.
    Stop using the U.S. dollar, use the Euro or a basket of currencies. Reduce or halt your consumption of British and U.S. products. Put an end to Zionism before it ends the world. Educate those in doubt of the true nature of this conflict and do not believe their media for their casualties are far higher than they admit.
    We only wish we had more cameras to show the world their true defeat.
    The enemy is on the run. They are in fear of a resistance movement they can not see nor predict.
    We, now choose when, where, and how to strike. And as our ancestors drew the first sparks of civilization, we will redefine the word conquest.
    Today we write a new chapter in the arts of urban warfare.
    Know that by helping the Iraqi people you are helping yourselves, for tomorrow may bring the same destruction to you.
    In helping the Iraqi people does not mean dealing for the Americans for a few contracts here and there. You must continue to isolate their strategy.
    This conflict is no longer considered a localized war. Nor can the world remain hostage to the never-ending and regenerated fear that the American people suffer from in general.
    We will pin them here in Iraq to drain their resources, manpower, and their will to fight. We will make them spend as much as they steal, if not more.
    We will disrupt, then halt the flow of our stolen oil, thus, rendering their plans useless.
    And the earlier a movement is born, the earlier their fall will be.
    And to the American soldiers we say, you can also choose to fight tyranny with us. Lay down your weapons, and seek refuge in our mosques, churches and homes. We will protect you. And we will get you out of Iraq , as we have done with a few others before you.
    Go back to your homes, families, and loved ones. This is not your war. Nor are you fighting for a true cause in Iraq.
    And to George W. Bush, we say, You have asked us to Bring it on, and so have we. Like never expected. Have you another challenge?

- Iraqi Resistance Video -

Those Evil, Terrorist Loving "Libruls"

Issue	Liberal Position	Osama bin Laden Position	NeoConservative Position
Abortion Rights	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Mandatory Prayer in School	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Separation of Church & State	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Censorship	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Pre-emptive Attacks	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Interpretation of Religious Scripture	Not Literal	Literal	Literal
Women's Rights	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Death with Dignity	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Theory of Evolution	Accepts	Rejects	Rejects
Invasion of Iraq	Opposed	Favored	Favored
Interest on Loans	Supports Fair Interest Rates	Opposes All Interest	Opposes Any Limits on Interest
United Nations	Supports	Opposes	Opposes
Gay Rights	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Contraceptives	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Sex Education	Favors	Opposes	Opposes
Severe Penalties for Drug Use	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Corporal Punishment	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Thinks There is Only One TRUE God	No	Yes	Yes
Dissent = Disloyalty	Disagrees	Agrees	Agrees
Torture	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Death Penalty	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Execution of Mentally Ill and Children	Opposes	Favors	Favors
Detention Without Trial	Opposes	Favors	Favors

- thoughtcrimes -

Insane E-Mails of the Week

From: Trisa Liles [tliles@cinci.rr.com]
To: info@dontblamemeivoted4kerry.com
Subject: BUSH WON KERRYS A LYING PIECE OF CRAP

DEAR WWW.,
DONT BLAME ME I VOTED 4 THE RETARDED DEMOCRAT.COM I DON'T GIVE A CRAP WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT BUSH,1000 SOLDIERS TO LIBERATE A WHOLE COUNTRY WITH WMD's IS PRETTY DANG GOOD ESPECIALY SINCE THEY KILLED OVER 3000 OF OUR PEOPLE IN OUR HOME COUNTRY AND ATTACKING OUR ALLIES IN MADRID. ALSO BUSH HAS RAISED EMPLOYMENT RATE AND FIX THE SUCKY ARMY CLINTON DEMOLISHED. ONE MORE THING, QUIT TWISTING THE WORDS OF MARTIN LUTHER KING. AND ANOTHER THING JESUS OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR WAS NOT A FREAKING LIBERAL AND IF YOU IDIOTS DON'T LIKE US OR OUR PRESIDENT GET OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND GO TO FRANCE AND BE A COMMIE AND ABOUT YOUR ANTI---SUV STICKER IF YOU LIBBYS GO OUT AND DRIVE YOUR TINY CARS AND WRECK INTO A SUV YOU AND YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY WILL BE CRUSHED LIKE KERRY WAS CRUSHED IN THE 04 ELECTION. YOU DRAFT DODGERS DON'T STAND A CHANCE AGAINST GEORGE W. BUSH.

Dear Satan,
I don't appreciate you trying to make me look bad. I am trying to recruit people back into Christianity and you go and put this website up. I am trying my hardest to gain a sense of total control by making my people dependent on everything from drugs to alcohol to fear of nonexistent threats, and here you go throwing out this logic crap. STOP TRYING TO SABOTAGE MY HARD WORK! or you just might get a visit from the "boys".
Sincerely, 
George W. Bush

Censored 2005: The Top 25 Censored Media Stories of 2003-2004

#1: Wealth Inequality in 21st Century Threatens Economy and Democracy
#2: Ashcroft vs. the Human Rights Law that Holds Corporations Accountable
#3: Bush Administration Censors Science
#4: High Levels of Uranium Found in Troops and Civilians
#5: The Wholesale Giveaway of Our Natural Resources
#6: The Sale of Electoral Politics
#7: Conservative Organization Drives Judicial Appointments
#8: Cheney's Energy Task Force and The Energy Policy
#9: Widow Brings RICO Case Against U.S. government for 9/11
#10: New Nuke Plants: Taxpayers Support, Industry Profits
#11: The Media Can Legally Lie
#12: The Destabilization of Haiti
#13: Schwarzenegger Met with Enron's Ken Lay Years Before the California Recall
#14: New Bill Threatens Intellectual Freedom in Area Studies
#15: U.S. Develops Lethal New Viruses
#16: Law Enforcement Agencies Spy on Innocent Citizens
#17: U.S. Government Represses Labor Unions in Iraq in Quest for Business Privatization
#18: Media and Government Ignore Dwindling Oil Supplies
#19: Global Food Cartel Fast Becoming the World's Supermarket
#20: Extreme Weather Prompts New Warning from UN
#21: Forcing a World Market for GMOs
#22: Censoring Iraq
#23: Brazil Holds Back in FTAA Talks, But Provides Little Comfort for the Poor of South America
#24: Reinstating the Draft
#25: Wal-Mart Brings Inequality and Low Prices to the World

Do-it-Yourself Joke of the Week

Fill in the blank... "If ignorance is bliss, ___________ are the happiest people on earth."

a) Republicans
b) People who watch Fox news
c) fetuses
d) ............

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

To guarantee someone will call you back after leaving a message on their voice mail, say, "Hello, my name is so-and-so and my telephone number is such-and-such. I'm calling because I understand you're the person to speak to about... " and then hang up the phone mid-sentence. The person will think you were cut off and will call back to see what the end of the sentence was.

Letter to the Senate Foreign Relations Committee

Dear Sir:
    I'm writing to urge you to consider blocking in committee the nomination of John Bolton as ambassador to the UN.
   In the late summer of 1994, I worked as the subcontracted leader of a US AID project in Kyrgyzstan officially awarded to a HUB primary contractor. My own employer was Black, Manafort, Stone & Kelly, and I reported directly to Republican leader Charlie Black.
   After months of incompetence, poor contract performance, inadequate in-country funding, and a general lack of interest or support in our work from the prime contractor, I was forced to make US AID officials aware of the prime contractor's poor performance.
   I flew from Kyrgyzstan to Moscow to meet with other Black Manafort employees who were leading or subcontracted to other US AID projects. While there, I met with US AID officials and expressed my concerns about the project -- chief among them, the prime contractor's inability to keep enough cash in country to allow us to pay bills, which directly resulted in armed threats by Kyrgyz contractors to me and my staff.
   Within hours of sending a letter to US AID officials outlining my concerns, I met John Bolton, whom the prime contractor hired as legal counsel to represent them to US AID. And, so, within hours of dispatching that letter, my hell began.
   Mr. Bolton proceeded to chase me through the halls of a Russian hotel -- throwing things at me, shoving threatening letters under my door and, generally, behaving like a madman. For nearly two weeks, while I awaited fresh direction from my company and from US AID, John Bolton hounded me in such an appalling way that I eventually retreated to my hotel room and stayed there. Mr. Bolton, of course, then routinely visited me there to pound on the door and shout threats.
   When US AID asked me to return to Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan in advance of assuming leadership of a project in Kazakstan, I returned to my project to find that John Bolton had proceeded me by two days. Why? To meet with every other AID team leader as well as US foreign-service officials in Bishkek, claiming that I was under investigation for misuse of funds and likely was facing jail time. As US AID can confirm, nothing was further from the truth.
   He indicated to key employees of or contractors to State that, based on his discussions with investigatory officials, I was headed for federal prison and, if they refused to cooperate with either him or the prime contractor's replacement team leader, they, too, would find themselves the subjects of federal investigation. As a further aside, he made unconscionable comments about my weight, my wardrobe and, with a couple of team leaders, my sexuality, hinting that I was a lesbian (for the record, I'm not).
   When I resurfaced in Kyrgyzstan, I learned that he had done such a convincing job of smearing me that it took me weeks -- with the direct intervention of US AID officials -- to limit the damage. In fact, it was only US AID's appointment of me as a project leader in Almaty, Kazakstan that largely put paid to the rumors Mr. Bolton maliciously circulated.
   As a maligned whistleblower, I've learned firsthand the lengths Mr. Bolton will go to accomplish any goal he sets for himself. Truth flew out the window. Decency flew out the window. In his bid to smear me and promote the interests of his client, he went straight for the low road and stayed there.
   John Bolton put me through hell -- and he did everything he could to intimidate, malign and threaten not just me, but anybody unwilling to go along with his version of events. His behavior back in 1994 wasn't just unforgivable, it was pathological.
   I cannot believe that this is a man being seriously considered for any diplomatic position, let alone such a critical posting to the UN. Others you may call before your committee will be able to speak better to his stated dislike for and objection to stated UN goals. I write you to speak about the very character of the man.
   It took me years to get over Mr. Bolton's actions in that Moscow hotel in 1994, his intensely personal attacks and his shocking attempts to malign my character.
   I urge you from the bottom of my heart to use your ability to block Mr. Bolton's nomination in committee.

Respectfully yours,
Melody Townsel
Dallas, TX 75208

Don't Take My Word For It

     "A report to the UN human rights commission in Geneva has concluded that Iraqi children were actually better off under Saddam Hussein than they are now.
    "This, of course, comes as a bitter blow for all those of us who, like George Bush and Tony Blair, honestly believe that children thrive best when we drop bombs on them from a great height, destroy their cities and blow up hospitals, schools and power stations.
    "It now appears that, far from improving the quality of life for Iraqi youngsters, the US-led military assault on Iraq has inexplicably doubled the number of children under five suffering from malnutrition. Under Saddam, about 4% of children under five were going hungry, whereas by the end of last year almost 8% were suffering."
- Terry Jones: Let Them Eat Bombs - The doubling of child malnutrition in Iraq is baffling -

"Unknown to many members of the church, however, Ratzinger's past includes brief membership of the Hitler Youth movement and wartime service with a German army anti-aircraft unit."
- Justin Sparks, Munich, John Follain and Christopher Morgan, Rome: Papal hopeful is a former Hitler Youth -

"It was fixed, I tell you, fixed. Just like Florida. Just like Ohio. Al Gore is the REAL new Pope. Grrrr, it makes me so mad."
- Hyman Idiot -

    "Thirty years ago, 1975, Gerald Ford was President of the United Sates. His Chief of Staff was Dick Cheney. His Secretary of Defense was Donald Rumsfeld. Paul Wolfowitz was heading-up the international arms-control end of things. All of these positions related directly to national security. While these men were looking after the nation's safety, they and President Ford concluded that Iran needed to supplement its energy system by adding nuclear power. The nuclear energy project that these men approved would have netted certain US corporations billions of dollars. Had the Shah of Iran...a blood-bought servant of US corporate interests...not soon been overthrown by his own countrymen, the big-wigs at Westinghouse or General Electric...or perhaps both...would have amassed personal fortunes from this one project, alone. Some of the stockholders would have also made bundles on the deal...
   "30 years ago these 3 men gave the green light to Iran so that Iran could hire US companies to go there and build a 6.4 billion dollar nuclear power facility. ...no doubt the final bill would have been at least three times that much. Yet Dick Cheney recently said this of Iran's current intentions to add nuclear power to their energy system: Quote... 'They are already sitting on an awful lot of oil and gas. Nobody can figure why they need nuclear to generate energy' ...end of quote. Did these men not notice, 30 years ago, while they and their cohorts were being wined and dined by the Shah, that his opulent surroundings were bought and paid for with oil and gas that was being taken from the ground beneath their feet? Yet these men agreed, clear back then, that Iran needed to add nuclear power to their energy system. It is now 30 years and God only knows how many tens of millions of barrels of oil, later. Why should we believe these men... who we know are liars... when they now say that Iran's primary motive for wanting nuclear power is so that they can make nuclear weapons with which to destroy us and our allies? Even now, the International Atomic Energy Agency reports that there is no evidence that Iran has a nuclear weapons program. The Bush administrations response? They are trying to oust the agency's lead inspector, Mohammed al-Baradei. But who can forget that it was Mr. al-Baradei and the International Atomic Energy Agency who, during the months prior to the invasion of Iraq, reported that Saddam no longer had a nuclear weapons programs."
- Cindy Sheehan: Murderous Thugs -

    "No doubt the major U.S. energy companies would love to be working with Iran today in developing these vast oil and gas supplies. At present, however, they are prohibited from doing so by Executive Order (EO) 12959, signed by President Clinton in 1995 and renewed by President Bush in March 2004...
   "When considering Iran's role in the global energy equation, therefore, Bush administration officials have two key strategic aims: a desire to open up Iranian oil and gas fields to exploitation by American firms, and concern over Iran's growing ties to America's competitors in the global energy market. Under U.S. law, the first of these aims can only be achieved after the President lifts EO 12959, and this is not likely to occur as long as Iran is controlled by anti-American mullahs and refuses to abandon its uranium enrichment activities with potential bomb-making applications. Likewise, the ban on U.S. involvement in Iranian energy production and export gives Tehran no choice but to pursue ties with other consuming nations. From the Bush administration's point of view, there is only one obvious and immediate way to alter this unappetizing landscape by inducing 'regime change' in Iran and replacing the existing leadership with one far friendlier to U.S. strategic interests."
- Michael Klare: Blood, Oil, and Iran -

    "It's hard to believe it's been almost three years since my Papal audience. Yes, ours was a brief meeting, but from it I took away a very clear picture. A picture not just of a stooped, wrinkly little albino gremlin but a picture of a man of great influence and curious contradictions.
    "A man so tireless in his efforts to steal my 'Culture of Life' thunder, yet too racked with dementia to realize it simply doesn't apply to Negroid prison inmates and thousands of Iraqian civilians.
    "A man so forceful in his defense of the sanctity of hot man-on-girl action and opposition to faggasexuality, yet who populated the ranks of his clergy exclusively with abstinence-proclaiming fudgepackers.
    "A man with one tippy-toe touching down in the 21st century, yet with the other foot and both hands furiously clutching onto the Middle Ages. And last but not least, a man with his fingers on the purse strings of two millenia worth of criminally ill-gotten wealth, yet too paralyzed by that dumb 'modesty' stuff to even buy himself a decent stretch limousine with blacked-out windows instead of toodling around in that retarded fishtank-on-a-golfcart thing."
- President's Requisite Kind Words Maintaining Formal Protestant Non-Delight Over the Death of Pope John "Peacemongering King of the Boy Humpers" Paul II -

"Can there be anyone worse than John Paul? Yes, there is: The borderline insane people who are chanting 'Santo subito!' ('make him a saint soon') at his funeral mass. Make a man who protects men who pimped the children of their own congregations to sexual predators a saint? It's a good thing they believe Jesus was resurrected, otherwise he would be spinning in his tomb like a whirling dervish by now."
- David Allen -

"I think of birth as the search for a larger apartment."
- Rita Mae Brown -

    "In the few weeks before its fall, Iraq's Ba'athist regime made a series of increasingly desperate peace offers to Washington, promising to hold elections and even to allow US troops to search for banned weapons. But the advances were all rejected by the Bush administration, according to intermediaries involved in the talks. As US and British troops massed in the Gulf, Iraqi intelligence sent out a range of compromise feelers through a number of channels in the apparent hope of forestalling the invasion or at least buying time...
   "The first approach appears to have been made last December through the CIA's former head of counter-terrorism, Vincent Cannistraro.
    "'I was approached by someone representing Tahir al-Tikriti - the Iraqi intelligence chief also known as [General] Tahir Habbush - who said Saddam knew there was a campaign to link him to September 11 and prove he had weapons of mass destruction,' said Mr. Cannistraro. 'The Iraqis were prepared to satisfy those concerns. I reported the conversation to senior levels of the state department and I was told to stand aside and they would handle it,' he said. He later heard the Iraqi offer had been 'killed' by the Bush administration."
- Saddam's desperate offers to stave off war -

"One basic truth can be used as a foundation for a mountain of lies, and if we dig down deep enough in the mountain of lies, and bring out that truth, to set it on top of the mountain of lies; the entire mountain of lies will crumble under the weight of that one truth. And there is nothing more devastating to a structure of lies than the revelation of the truth upon which the structure of lies was built, because the shock waves of the revelation of the truth reverberate, and continue to reverberate throughout the Earth for generations to follow, awakening even those people who had no desire to be awakened to the truth."
- Delamar Duvaris in the preface of Behold the Pale Horse by William Cooper -

    "Haley Dawson has never been a stripper. But Ohio liquor-control agents took her identity and gave it to a 22-year-old college student who they had recruited to work undercover as a nude dancer.
   "As part of an investigation that resulted in nothing more than misdemeanor charges, police paid University of Dayton criminal-justice student Michelle Szuhay $100 a night to take it all off in early 2003 as liquor-control officers drank beer and watched in the audience for three months, court papers show.
   "Other officers watched her strip on the Internet, using an account created under the identity of a dead man. The officers did all this by using Dawson's drivers license and Social Security number to hide Szuhay's identity while she worked at the targeted strip club, the now-closed Total Xposure in Troy.
   "To Dawson's father, David Dawson, 'It certainly looks like identity theft.'
   "But it's not, said Miami County Prosecutor Gary Nasal. Pointing to a 2002 change in Ohio's law aimed at fighting identity theft, Nasal said police are allowed to assume anyone's identity as long as it's part of an investigation.
   "'I don't know much about law, but I would say that's just baloney,' said David Dawson."
- Bill Bush: Woman's identity taken by state agents, Strip-club sting was legal, Miami County official says -

   "Many in the military believe the war is a disaster. Never has there been such bad feelings between the military and civilian leadership in the Pentagon. It is unreasonable to expect our military to continue absorbing losses for a war we didn't have to fight. Before the war we thumbed our nose at most of the rest of the world. We can hardly expect them to come to our rescue putting their lives on the line for miscalculations of the Bush Administration...
   "Al-Qaeda continues to attack around the world and is a major threat to the United States. This disturbing situation is a direct result of the Presidents failure to lead a worldwide effort to remove the threat posed by al-Qaeda. Instead, he diverted our military power and intelligence to a totally unnecessary war in Iraq, a country that had no real connection to 9-11 or to al-Qaeda and was not a threat to the United States.
   "The President promised Congress and the American people that he would not engage in war, except as a last resort. He did not fulfill this promise. Instead, the President went to war based on exaggerated intelligence known to be of uncertain reliability. He did not allow international weapon experts to finish their inspections or check out our intelligence; he didn't even allow U.S. personnel to participate in the inspection process. The President and his advisors were already on their path to war and interpreted intelligence data to suit their own needs. They deceived themselves, the nation, or both."
- Ed Asner & Burt Hall: A War We didn't have to fight -

"The nationalist not only does not disapprove of atrocities committed by his own side, he has a remarkable capacity for not even hearing about them."
- George Orwell -

"The truth is that you cannot even begin to make a justification for the war unless you take into account the lives of innocent Iraqis lost as a result of it. The simplest way to deal with that is to pretend that these deaths do not exist - the occupying powers simply do not count them. The only other defense is that their deaths are a price worth paying and that good things can come from bad acts - a claim every bit as offensive and wrong-headed as arguing that 9/11 was a price worth paying for waking America up to the consequences of its foreign policy."
- Gary Younge: In a Warped Reality - Two Years On, The Occupiers Justify the War by Embracing the Irrelevant and Ignoring the Inconvenient -

"Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom."
- Arthur Schopenhauer -

"To achieve a sustainable economy and avert disaster, the United States must reduce its population by at least one-third."
- Dale Allen Pfeiffer: Eating Fossil Fuels -

"Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 911 showed Saudi Arabia in a negative light. There have been other 'investigative reports' since then that have done the same. First they try and win you over to their side by showing the Bush family ties with the bin Ladens. Then they show how the bin Ladens were supporting Osama. Then they try to convince you that Osama was behind the World Trade Center bombings and other terrorist attacks. Don't be fooled! George Bush and Ariel Sharon were behind the world trade center attacks! Just see who gained the most from these attacks. Osama, like Saddam Hussein were CIA assets that they turned on and made into villains to further Illuminati plans. Just as Saudi Arabia was an ally of the United States and is becoming the scapegoat. Whenever you see any kind of news story and it mentions Osama, you can bet it is a load of crap. Just the fact that the last 3 Osama bin Laden recordings have been faked makes it doubtful that he is even alive. In fact anything after this interview given on Aug. 16, 2001 is highly suspect. But just like with Elvis, that won't stop new recordings from being released.
- George W. Bush - Terrorist in the White House -

"Happiness, n: an agreeable sensation, arising from contemplating the misery of others."
- Ambrose Bierce: The Devil's Dictionary -

"[Benjamin Franklin] said, 'Well, I say "yes" to this constitution, with all its faults. We need good governance for a while, and this constitution will assure us of good governance for a number of years.' Then he said, 'This constitution will fail, as others have before it, and that will be due to the corruption of the people, for whom in the end only despotism will serve.' This was a famous speech in its day. I went through a dozen high school history books of the United States. Part of the speech is given; what I just quoted is never quoted. So that was the first 'nay' vote to the constitution, which I think most thoughtful people - the good thing about it is the Bill of Rights, which guarantees us freedom of speech and so on. The bad things are the powers given to the President, which have now been absolutely inflated out of control, where the President is almost a permanent dictator with the power to declare pre-emptive war any time he likes. Now, George Washington would be out of his mind, and he was the first President. He didn't want powers to say, 'I think terrorists might be livin' over there. I think we better hit Denmark. Denmark's a good place to hit. We'll hit 'em because there could be terrorists there.' This is the rationale of the so-called Bush doctrine, and it is insane."
- Gore Vidal interviewed by Tony Jones -

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."
- Claud Cockburn -

"You have to believe that, just when Bremer has appointed the gangster of hate to dry out the two rivers (Rafidain) in order for us to die of thirst and to burn the crops so as we die of hunger, and demolishing of homes of religion and prayers and destroying the state and history. Yes, believe it, after seeing the documents which scandalize the sons of poisonous snakes. They have given for free, all Iraqi weapons and arms to Stoffel , Bush's envoy in Iraq. The actual value of these military equipments was 40 billion dollars. It is the biggest crime that has ever been committed through the ages and wars, which has never happened or been heard of through the history of mankind. This theft was committed by an order from the United States and England and with the full agreement and acknowledgment of Alawi, the Chalabi and Al-Shaalan."
- Communique NO. 3: Rafidan - The Political Committee of the Mujahideen Central Command -

"I would rather be ashes than dust! I would rather that my spark should burn out in a brilliant blaze than it should be stifled by dryrot. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time."
- Jack London -

    "It was very prominent in this country in the build-up to welfare reform in the mid-nineties, with constant attacks on the poorest of the poor, that people who need to rely on welfare now and then are lazy, and promiscuous and addicted. The mindset that working people are lazy is part of a larger view that poverty is the result of a character defect or a set of character defects -- that people don't know how to look ahead and only seek out personal gratification and so forth.
    "We're hearing a little less of that since welfare reform passed. I think what I hear more of is a kind of conservative retort that poor people made the wrong choices, and they should have gone to college. Getting out of poverty is something you just 'will' to do, or poor people should have postponed childbearing until they had a middle-class income. Actually what it all comes down to is, they should have chosen their parents better."
- Barbara Ehrenreich Brings You Life Without Safety Nets - the Growing Reality for Everyday Americans -

"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
- Philip K. Dick -

    "Over 11,000 children were sexually abused and close to $1 billion in settlement money has been paid out, but the pope did not go much beyond decrying the sins of some of our brothers. He never met with any victims, he never offered practical solutions to dealing with the problem, he never addressed the decades-long cover-up of the abuse. He even rejected a zero tolerance policy calling for the immediate removal of molester-priests, concerned that it was too harsh.
    "Too harsh?! This is a man who wouldn't allow a priest to become a bishop unless he was unequivocally opposed to masturbation, premarital sex and condoms. So, in his perversion pecking order, you had to be dead-set against self-love but when it came to buggering little kids, there was some wiggle room."
- Arianna Huffington: A Cornucopia of Death -

"It is not a way of life that a wise man proposes, but a way around life."
- Christopher Spranger: The Effort To Fall -

"If you mean whiskey, the devil's brew, the poison scourge, the bloody monster that defiles innocence, dethrones reason, destroys the home, creates misery and poverty, yea, literally takes the bread from the mouths of little children; if you mean that evil drink that topples Christian men and women from the pinnacles of righteous and gracious living into the bottomless pits of degradation, shame, despair, helplessness, and hopelessness, then, my friend, I am opposed to it with every fiber of my being. However, if by whiskey you mean the oil of conversation, the philosophic wine, the elixir of life, the ale that is consumed when good fellows get together, that puts a song in their hearts and the warm glow of contentment in their eyes; if you mean Christmas cheer, the stimulating sip that puts a little spring in the step of an elderly gentleman on a frosty morning; if you mean that drink that enables man to magnify his joy, and to forget life's great tragedies and heartbreaks and sorrow; if you mean that drink the sale of which pours into our treasuries untold millions of dollars each year, that provides tender care for our little crippled children, our blind, our deaf, our dumb, our pitifully aged and infirm, to build the finest highways, hospitals, universities, and community colleges in this nation, then my friend, I am absolutely, unequivocally in favor of it. This is my position, and as always, I refuse to be compromised on matters of principle."
- Noah S. Sweat -

"When a thing has been said, and said well, have no scruple. Take it and copy it."
- Anatole France -

"Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart - Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens." 
- Carl Gustav Jung -

"Where's the 'Any' key?"
- Homer Simpson -

"The question of sexual dominance can exist only in the nightmare of that soul which has armed itself, totally, against the possibility of the changing motion of conquest and surrender, which is love."
- James Baldwin -

"After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one."
- Cato the Elder -

"He who walks joyfully in rank and file has already earned my contempt."
- Albert Einstein -

"When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web... Now even my cat has its own page."
- Bill Clinton -

"Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level." 
- Quentin Crisp -

"The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting."
- P. J. O'Rourke -

"The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice." - Doug Larson -

"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me."
- Dave Barry -

    "Security at U.S. airports is no better under federal control than it was before the Sept. 11 attacks, a key House member says two government reports will conclude. The Government Accountability Office - the investigative arm of Congress - and the Homeland Security Department's inspector general are expected to soon release their findings on the performance of Transportation Security Administration screeners.
   "'A lot of people will be shocked at the billions of dollars we've spent and the results they're going to see, which confirm previous examinations of the Soviet-style screening system we've put in place,' Rep. John Mica, R-Fla., told The Associated Press on Friday...'
   "On Jan. 26, Homeland Security's acting inspector general, Richard Skinner, testified that 'the ability of TSA screeners to stop prohibited items from being carried through the sterile areas of the airports fared no better than the performance of screeners prior to Sept. 11, 2001.'"
- Leslie Miller: Reports: Airport security hasn't improved -

"I have too much respect for the idea of God to make it responsible for such an absurd world."
- Georges Duhamel -

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

"Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. With Major Major it had been all three. Even among men lacking all distinction he inevitably stood out as a man lacking more distinction than the rest, and people who met him were always impressed with how unimpressive he was." 
- Joseph Heller: Catch-22 -

"To learn the path it is important to be sharp yet inconspicuous. When you are sharp, you are not confused by people; when you are inconspicuous, you don't contend with people. Not being confused by people, you are empty and spiritual; not contending with people, you are serene and subtle."
- Liao-an -

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint."
- Mark Twain -

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
- Dan Quayle - 

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
- Douglas Adams: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy -

"Non-violence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man."
- Mahatma Ghandi -

"Where's my umbrella?"
- Mahatma Coat -

    "Research on bread indicates that: 
    "1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users. 
    "2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests. 
    "3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.     "4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread. 
    "5. Bread is made from a substance called 'dough.' It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!"
- !!! BREAD IS DANGEROUS !!! -

"Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies."
- Thomas Jefferson -

"There are more fools in the world than there are people."
- Heinrich Heine -

"All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed."
- Sean O'Casey: The Plough and The Stars -

"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly,' meaning 'many,' and the word 'ticks,' meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
- Larry Hardiman -

"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it."
- Voltaire -

"Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition."
- Timothy Leary -

"Cynicism is an unpleasant way of saying the truth."
- Lillian Hellman -

"America is the wealthiest nation on Earth, but it's people are mainly poor, and poor Americans are urged to hate themselves.... It is in fact a crime for an American to be poor, even though America is a nation of poor. Every other nation has folk traditions of men who were poor but extremely wise and virtuous, and therefore more estimable than anyone with power and gold. No such tales are told by American poor. They mock themselves and glorify their betters."
- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. -

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it." 
- George Bernard Shaw - 

"If I were granted omnipotence, and millions of years to experiment in, I should not think Man much to boast of as the final result of all my efforts."
- Bertrand Russell -

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite."
- Sam Levenson -

"The best argument against democracy is a five minute conversation with the average voter."
- Winston Churchill -

"Evil will always prevail, because good is dumb." 
- Mel Brooks: Spaceballs -

"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months."
- Oscar Wilde -

"Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right."
- Isaac Asimov -

"Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life."
- Robert Byrne -

"A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer."
- A. Whitney Brown -

"Nothing has changed. The only difference is that we were once ruled by a dictator and now we are ruled by clowns."
- Awada Dakil, an Iraqi Shia -

Everything Else

These guys sell armored cars that look just like regular cars, so when the terrorists attack you to steal your children, you'll be fucking ready for them. According to the site, "heads of state, religious leaders, industrialists, and corporate executives. No one is safe from the threat of terrorist attacks!" I guess that means you. Get one today.

Of the 10,472 criminals arrested in the largest coordinated crackdown by federal, state and local law enforcement officials in history, "150 of those nabbed April 4-10 were wanted for murder, 550 were sought on rape or sexual assault charges, and more than 600 had outstanding arrest warrants for armed robbery." Which leaves me wondering how many of the other 9,172 criminals were guilty of smoking a joint at a rock concert.

Come on, admit it, you had no idea that the USA PATRIOT act actually stood for Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism. 

The largest group hug of all time involved 5,117 people at St. Matthew's secondary school in Orleans, Ontario, Canada. They hugged each other for 10 seconds on April 23, 2004 in support of a local cancer charity, according to the special 50th anniversary edition of The Guinness World Records. I say we can do better. 6,000 people are hereby invited to my place for a hug. Write for directions.

I can't believe you don't know about my trip to Disneyland with Eugene Ionesco.