WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS
WEEK?
by Helen A. Handbasket
You never know who’s going to trade
their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen
A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning
flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry,
all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket,
whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication.
August 12, 2002
Forwarded
E-mail from Satan
I already got that e-mail and you are damned
to hell for sending it to me again. I was neither moved nor inspired. It
was neither clever nor funny. I was not amazed at the stupidity of that
criminal, nor disgusted, appalled, or chagrined by the United States Government
and it's moronic leadership. After all, I'm responsible for all of it.
I do not care about your heart-warming bullshit
for I am Satan. What the hell's the matter with you? You expect me to give
up all this just because your head was finally separated from your congenital
twin's ass? Keep it to yourself. I do not want to be made aware you were
thinking of me, I will not stop to smell the flowers, and I will not count
my blessings. I live in Hell and I like it.
That patriotic photo with the flag and the
eagle and the buildings and the jet fighter and the smoke and the subtle
hint of retaliation and strength and violence yet to come? I will "never
forget" that you sent it to me. Expect the coals in your stockings this
Christmas to be white hot.
I've seen the new map of Afghanistan, I've
seen two children of any given ethnicity holding hands. I have seen fat
ladies in thongs and tennis players with their tits hanging out and soccer
players with their dicks hanging out. I saw the lady kick the baby, the
bungee jumper crap his pants, the monkey smell his finger, and the missing
scene from Spiderman. You cannot make George W. Bush's face look any more
ugly or pathetic or scary by moving it around with Photoshop. If you are
sending me a joke for which the set-up is two items with set prices and
the punchline is a third item that is "priceless," you are hereby ordered
to treat your genitals as Enron documents and place them gently in the
shredder.
You've got money you need to get out of Nigeria?
Why not shove it up your ass? (Remove your head first)
I will not be starting or stopping the consumption
of any product or service due to the information you have provided me.
I know what's good for me and I like the stuff that's bad for me so fuck
you.
I am not the idiot you seem to think I am.
Everything you are offering me for free has shipping charges that are mysteriously
10 times the worth of the item. I will not submit any data for market research
just because you say you're giving away a car. What good's a car in Hell?
I don't need a diploma to know that Bill Gates isn't going to send me $40
if I make the mistake of forwarding your messages, but I'll be sending
you a little special something in the afterlife.
I will not sign up for whatever affiliate
program you've got in your e-mail signature, especially if it's got anything
to do with real estate. I do not marvel at The Way Things Used to Be and
I've seen enough naked little girls to last me for all eternity. You are
one sick puppy. I don't want to know what it's like to be you. Change your
homepage to http://www.isucksatansdick.com.
Jesus and I have a policy of mutual apathy
toward one another. I don't visit him in heaven though he's a frequent
visitor to Hell. I see him all the time so I don't need you quoting him
to me. That kitten is not cute. Your baby is not the first to walk, talk,
or use a toilet, and my pitchfork is itchin' for some baby butt. God is
a hoax and so am I.
My answer to your questionnaire is: No. My
favorite color is: No. My favorite song is: No. I don't want my fortune
told, and if you are trying to sell me software that perpetuates the very
fraud you are foisting upon me, I have ways of making your hard disk floppy.
I saw the End of the Internet page before it was in that fucking commercial
and it wasn't particularly funny the first time.
Pictures of funny foreigners are Xenophobic
and get me off. Send more of those.
Thank you for your time.
Please re-write this as you see fit, attribute
it to Dave Barry, Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Ted Nugent, or George Carlin and then
forward it to everyone in your address book.
UNDO THE COUP
Satan
for President in 2004
CARTOON FROM HELL
ART FROM HELL
People in the UK are donating
their dead bodies to a traveling corpse show.
HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL
SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW
If you're at the beach, don't fall
asleep in the water or you may wake up with a barnacle
stuck to your penis.
QUOTES FROM HELL
“I can’t believe they made another
Ernest movie!”
- Zach Galifianakis on The Importance
of Being Earnest -
"They should have Croc Hunter Steve
Irwin wrestle her."
- Howard Rosenberg on The Anna
Nicole Smith Show -
"The problem with the French is that
they don't have a word for entrepreneur."
- George W. Bush to Tony Blair -
"A long habit of not thinking a thing
wrong, gives it a superficial appearance of being right."
- Thomas Paine -
"It never troubles the wolf how many
the sheep be."
- Virgil -
"Great knowledge sees all in one. Small
knowledge breaks down into many."
- Chaung Tzu -
"You're nobody if you don't get booed."
- Bob Dylan -
"The only success with which a writer
might be meaningfully concerned, is how successfully his or her adjectives
exude their flavors, his or her syntax drums out its cadence, his or her
metaphors eternalize their phrases, or whether or not, when their nouns
meet their verbs, the verbs yell out, 'Gotcha, baby!' For the task of the
writer is not to attain recognition or reward but to meditate upon our
passing world and, through the working magic of language, awaken in the
solitary reader a sense of wonder at that world."
- Tom Robbins -
"Making people laugh is the lowest
form of humor."
- Michael O'Donohue -
SITES FROM HELL
Mandatory reading: The
Middle East Burns by Ghazal Shafiei, a 19-year-old Iranian girl living
in Chicago.
According to Al-Muhajiroun,
"Al-Qaida To Strike In August, Bin Laden To Speak Soon After."
Boeing, the world’s largest aircraft
manufacturer, has admitted they've got an
experimental anti-gravity propulsion system.
Keenspot
is the largest publisher of exclusive online webcomics and a lot of fun.
Scientists in Australia are proving
Einstein wrong. Apparently the
speed of light is not a constant.
Did you know that without British
Freemasonry there would be no modern state of Israel?
The Tongass National Forest is unique
in the world -- a wild and pristine coastal Alaskan rainforest. Naturally,
the Bush Administration is trying to fuck it up by recommending that none
of the nine million unprotected roadless acres of the Tongass deserve wilderness
status. Visit Earthjustice
to learn more.
At midnight on December 2, 1984, deadly
toxins leaked from a badly run Union Carbide (now wholly owned by Dow Chemicals)
plant in Bhopal, engulfing half a million of India's poor in the world's
worst-ever industrial disaster. In hours, there were some 8,000 dead. That
was 18 years ago. You'd think that by now the survivors would have received
proper medical care, that they'd have been adequately compensated for their
loss and their suffering, that somebody would have had to answer in court
for what was done to them. On all counts, you'd
be wrong. Thirty people still die every month from the effects of the
gas.
Absent from last week's Senate hearings
on whether the U.S. should go to war in Iraq were the
experts with the most vital information.
