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Issue #150
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by Michael Dare Getting a glimpse
of the future is always a good idea if you want to take advantage of it.
If only you'd known that software was going to be more important than hardware,
you could have dumped that IBM stock early and bought into Microsoft. If
only you'd known internet porn was coming along, you wouldn't have saved
all those Penthouses. If only you'd known the hole in the ozone layer was
widening, you would have bought more sunscreen for your Mexican hairless
with melanoma.
![]() After an introduction
by the producers of the event, Andrew
Nachison and Susan
Mernit, all in shades of green, the opening speaker, Will
Weiss, chairman and CEO of the Promar
Group, said "The future is a really big place," which only goes to
show that I, and all journalists, have the Godlike ability to quote people
out of context and make them sound dumber than they actually are. Weiss
was a good opener, making it clear that there were opportunities galore,
and that we should "think about designing the future, not trying to predict
it." He talked about "guardrails," about the new media infiltrating everything.
There are "Delta kiosks" where you can dump all your info before getting
on a plane. GM's OnStar system, designed to deliver maps, now delivers
news. Coke, finding themselves in possession of a massive distribution
system, are now a media company with everything they need but content.
While hyping us about "pay per performance" and "revenue streams," he advised
us to work backwards, to start with the customer, not the technology. He
told us the legendary story of Walter Yetnikov, the President of CBS Records,
and Black Friday, when he thought he'd have to lay off half his staff because
of the advent of CD technology, only to see his sales skyrocket. You just
never know.
Last
week I groused that I wasn't interested in a new technology that delivered
the same old crap, and along came Lucy
Hood, senior vice president of content and marketing for Newscorp,
who seems to have heard my plea and gone the other way with it. She represented
Fox
for Phones and gave us The Fox Perspective - pushing the boundaries
of mobile content. (Someone's going to have to explain what she meant when
she said she wanted to change the "value chain" to a "value ecosystem.")
Hood showed us examples of "mobisodes," one minute "mobile episodes" of
current TV hits that can be downloaded to cell phones, including a lovely
60 seconds of Paris and Nicole changing diapers at a daycare center. Literally
the same old crap.
Through the next speaker, Brian Gratch, I learned there's a 70% penetration of cell phones in the USA and in excess of 100% in Sweden. The biggest sellers, ringtones and wallpaper, are just baby steps to gaming, then the user is hooked. It took 10 years to reach a billion cell phones in 2002, and only four years to reach two billion in 2006. They're already running out of new people to sell to, so whatever group you belong to, expect to be targeted. There's less calling and more T-messaging. Text messages are up to 45 billion per month, actually bigger than e-mail. Cell phones are a "portable proxy for social connections," a "short term engagement during downtime," and the fastest road towards "instant gratification." If you want to freak out your local cell phone salesman, be sure to grill them on "inter-carrier interoperability."
Sony
VP Scott Smyers,
who is also president of the Digital
Living Network Alliance, made my head spin and the person next to me
hate my guts as I asked them what the hell is wi-fi, wi-max, and what are
silos. Please please please don't ask me to explain what wi-fi is. Just
go here. (Okay,
okay, it's 802.11b, a standard for wireless LANs operating in the 2.4 GHz
spectrum with a bandwidth of 11 Mbps, not to be confused with 802.11a,
which is a different standard for wireless LANs operating in the 5 GHz
frequency range with a maximum data rate of 54 Mbps. There, are you happy
now?)
Taking a break, I see that the Westin Bonaventure Hotel is a perfect microcosm of the future. It looks good from the outside but it's confusing as hell on the inside. You can't get to the pool level from the elevators, the free running machine on one of the third floor pods doesn't work, and no matter where you stand, you find yourself spying something across the lobby that you can't get too. I wander the dark hotel at night with a lantern searching for an ideal environment for rational journalism.
Scott
Rafer, president and CEO of Speedster,
is "making money in walled gardens," delivering information to cell phones
entirely through RSS feeds. Please please please don't ask me to explain
what an RSS feed is. Just go here.
(Okay, okay, RSS is a method of distributing links or syndicating content
in your web site that you'd like others to use. Anybody who can figure
out how to turn Disinfotainment Today into an RSS feed is welcome to.)
Scott Fox from Global View Partners dropped phrases like "market segmentation" and "business model" and how to connect to a passionate fan base. How? Push compelling content through a narrow channel without increasing the size of your penis. He advised us to "bypass carriers who think they own customers just because of a flimsy billing device." Go ahead, pick a standard and rapidly deploy it. And this is really important. Start with an aggrigator, but first find out what an aggrigator is. Anybody out there reparsing distribution channels? Scott's your guy.
I suppose Rob Enderle is about as good a representative of the Enderle Group as you're likely to run into at one of these things. He's a media consultant who warned us of the "vender feeding frenzy," and that we shouldn't "come up with technology, then try to find a home for it." He says that "of all the videoconferencing stores, Microsoft Smart Watch is the only one worth a damn." Flat rates, yes. Pay as you go, no. Don't try to change customer behavior unless they're pissing on your kiosk.
Media Flo sent Jeff Lorbeck because apparently Flo wasn't available. Boy, was he clean cut, representing equally the suit and tie industries as well as "Virtual Private Networks" and "data optimization." He was the one astute enough to point out that Casio marketed teeny color sets in the 70s that had failed, presumably because people didn't want to watch TV on teeny screens.
Gilles Babinet flew in from France which explained his accent. He's chairman and co-founder of Musiwave, who distribute wholesale MP3s to 18 different countries. He explained that broadcasting video took 100 times the bandwidth of sound, but people were certainly not willing to pay 100 times the price for it, so using bandwidth to measure cost wasn't necessarily a good thing. He made his business work through a one-way architecture, VAS (Value Added Service), and unfortunately, spoke of stand-alone networks, unicast, multicast, clipcaches, using existing UHF towers, and DVBH air interfaces. He might as well have been speaking in French. Anthony Bruno didn't know it but he had a version of my old job at Billboard magazine, covering new technology. He started talking to someone and Susan Mernit said "take this discussion off-line," meaning don't make the rest of us listen to it. It's a phrase I intend on using with my children.
Why did Mitch Ratcliff, co-founder of Persuadio, have to go on and on about "top down broadcasting" and the "audience market" and "distribution hubs" and "Digital Rights Management" (purposely making things inconvenient enough to force the customer to pay for things they could just do themselves) and "the birth of adhocracy" and "Monetizable Moments" and "the edge?" Couldn't he tell I was baffled? I didn't want to hear that qwerty keyboards were a thing of the past. I can type almost 100 words per minute, but text messaging slows me down to about five. In-jokes and incomprehensible trivia presented as earthshattering news. (Mitch's current research project) Brian Hecht of kikucall has clients like HBO and Absolute and was smart enough not to print his picture. Actors and musicians can subscribe to casting calls through his service, which seems a good idea. Like Heidi Fleiss, his service has a "sophisticated back end" and is "all you can eat." He championed citizen journalism until he read this. The next day we all piled into a bus and headed to USC for a tour of their Immersive Media Lab at the Integrated Media Systems Center, where we got to see the visible future and all the implications. The walls of the campus are covered in spiffy screens showing all the candidates in the upcoming student election, a technological advance that makes it virtually impossible to tear down your opponent's posters without also tearing down your own. Adam
Clayton Powell III took us into a room surrounded by speakers to listen
to the next generation of sound, 10.2, which, as you might guess, is twice
as good as 5.1. How? The introduction of height and depth without speakers
on the ceiling or floor. Out went the lights and it started raining. Not
just the sound of rain all around you but the sound of rain FALLING all
around you.
Next we were led upstairs
from one A+ student's desk to another A+ student's desk to see what they
were working on. At the Institute for Robotic Intelligence Systems, I visited
the Haptics
Department (don't ask) and used a joystick, though that's very much the
wrong word, that had friction, gravity, and torque when I used it to move
objects around in a virtual 3D universe on Wayne Zhu's computer screen.
Thus, doctors could perform delicate surgery from long distance and actually
FEEL the difference in pressure as they sliced through internal organs,
or a deli in Yonkers could cut the fat off your pastrami in Beverly Hills.
Make what you will of the fact that all the A+ students whose work we saw were non-white.
According to focus groups, what's the one thing people REALLY want on their cell phones? A mirror. Also, unless I'm very much mistaken, Tim Repshire, technology manager at the Bakersfield Californian, actually said that focus groups say they want less journalists on drugs. Maybe I got it wrong. Journalists say What do you call a focus group at the bottom of the ocean? A good idea.
Then Howard Owens, director of new media at the Ventura County Star, spoke and what a speaker he was. Magnificent. Unfortunately I spilt coffee on my notes about the exact subject he spoke about, but rest assured he was erudite, compelling, forthright, and I didn't understand a word of it.
Dean
Newton, vice-president of entertainment media at Infospace
Mobile, was refreshingly honest, saying that Infospace was the "world's
largest provider of crap for your cell phone." Ringtones ruled the day,
along with games and news alerts. He had ringtone charts that were like
Billboard charts, hit driven, 40-50% hip hop. He explained that ringtones
used to be just polyphonic midi files but new "labeltones" were actual
audio clips, making it possible for your phone to ring with George Carlin
saying "Hey, asshole, it's for you." Yep, through a deal with Laughlink,
they're selling comedy ringers. The number one selling comedy labeltone?
Erik Estrada! Don't ask how many times people have paid two bucks to download
a wallpaper saying "I heart beer." He referred to the primary motivating
factor in sales as "hostage time," and clued us in to the unsurprising
fact that 30-40% of all mobile media sales in Europe were adult. As soon
as there's a unifying standard for adult verification in America, expect
the same.
Karen Stephenson is an anthropologist and president of Netform who spoke of behavior patterns, global nomadism, and the effect of mobile media on people who are migratory. She traced the link between drums and smoke signals and cell phones, advising us to think less about broadcasting and more about narrowcatching. In my favorite definition of the day, she described journalists as "anthropologists who write better." One advantage mobile media
has over the internet is there's no entering credit card numbers to make
purchases. Everything is tied to your phone bill, the central environment
that controls everything. Jon
Bostrom answered a question I know you're asking, which one should
I buy? Take Jon's word for it, at this very second, what you want is a
Nokia
N91, and I'm sure he didn't say that just because he works for Nokia
as chief Java architect for mobile software.
I wouldn't have known that the
peer-to-peer network was known as the
Darknet if not for Dewayne
Hendricks(CEO of the Dandin Group
and a member of the FCC Technological
Advisory Council), or that it comprises 60-80% of all traffic, with
BitTorrent
alone comprising 50%. That's a lot of traffic and it's not all illegal
downloads. There are multiple virtual worlds that can't be Googled, a genuine
underground, full of trusted circles and communities who "create swarms"
and share original material.
Mike Outmesquine, president and founder of TranStellar, showed up with a solar powered backpack, a junction box, and router enabling him to become a "mobile hotspot" and blog or videocast from absolutely anywhere. CSI units will soon be able to transmit fingerprints directly from a crime scene to a central database, or whatever Jerry Bruckheimer wishes. And it was over. If you were a speaker and I left you out, I apologize. I couldn't be there every goddam second. Or I fell asleep. I came away thinking that most of it's going to be irrelivision until the right genius comes along with mobile media content that isn't regurgitated old media content. Could be you. I want to thank The Media Center at the American Press Institute for not only allowing me to attend the Mobile Media Event but paying my expenses. It took balls to allow a sarcastic bastard like me in the door and I hope I didn't let them down. Closing remarks I never got to make... Like all of us, I came here
to find out how I fit into this incredible new world of mobile media, so
if any of you have figured out how I fit into this incredible new world
of mobile media, please let me know.
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Posted May 3, 2005 Job Opportunity of the Week
for Dick Cheney
A major dildo manufacturer is looking for a model for their new product. Item I Should Have Used Two Months Ago I wrote Governor Jeb Bush asking him to please
let Terri Schiavo die in peace. Here's the reply...
Thank
you for contacting Governor Bush to ask for his help in the case of Terri
Schiavo. He has asked me to respond on his behalf.
The
Governor shares your concern for this young woman and has pledged to do
whatever he can within the laws of Florida to protect her life. The next
few weeks will be very difficult ones for Ms. Schiavo, her family and all
of those who care about her. The Governor asks that you keep her and her
family in your prayers during this difficult time.
Again,
thank you for writing Governor Bush about this important issue.
Sincerely,
L.
O’Connor
Office
of Citizens’ Services
The
term "spam," meaning unsolicited email, came from a sketch on Monty
Python's Flying Circus in which Spam was an ingredient in every item
on the menu in a diner. Currently running on Broadway is a musical called
Spamalot,
based upon Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you subscribe to
the Spamalot newsletter, you recently got the following...
SpamAlot
Security Alert
Dear Spamalot Newsletter Subscriber, It has come to our attention, that the database containing your subscription information may have been compromised during an attack on our servers by internet hackers. As a result of this theft, you may receive unsolicited emails to the account you submitted including fraudulent emails that appear to come from financial institutions. Since being informed of the potential problem, we have taken additional security precautions which will prevent this type of attack from succeeding in the future. We apologize if this has caused you alarm or inconvenience. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact us at newsletter@montypythonsspamalot.com. Sincerely, Website
Manager
Stupid Answers of the Week Last week's question... Out the door. Truncated issue. No time to come up with a stupid question. Whatayuh gonna do about it? Send in a stupid answer anyway!
couldn't think of any questions,
huh? how about, "why strippers never use horizontal poles? or why
more polish girls aren't strippers?" Something involving nudity, for Christ's
sake. n don't tell me about the gravity of the horizontal pole question
either...it's plenty stupid.
Ok I'll ask you a question.
Why. Do you ask?
Maybe it's just me, but has anyone
else noticed that the current evangelical-Christian 'religion' pushed today
has all the characteristics of the perfect conspiracy theory? It has:
Mike mate
I refuse to let paranoia rule my life. Besides,
two people actually DID come by with pot, so it was worth it. Luckily,
Disinfotainment
Today doesn't drug test it's employees.
dear human gods,
Stupid Question of the Week I've never understood why "I can't see me lovin' nobody but YOU for all my life" is supposed to be a compliment. And don't get me started on "Someone like YOU makes it hard to live without SOMEBODY ELSE." Name some other lines in rock songs that don't make a shred of sense. Send your answers to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com. Chart of the Week Pamela Anderson is nothing like Adolf Hitler Action Hitler Anderson Blew Tommy
Lee
No
Yes
Belated Christmas Gift from
Hell
Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses WASHINGTON, DC
Internet Joke of the Week The Marines found
they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000
for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his
body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
Belated Chanukah Gift from
Hell
Don't Take My Word For It "Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through
education, or by legislation."
"My guard stood hard when abstract threats
"Though the Minuteman organizers
vowed that 1,600 or more mad-as-hell volunteers had signed up for duty
and that 'potentially several thousands' would participate in the kickoff
rallies during April Fools' weekend, turnout was an unmitigated flop less
than a tenth of the promised throngs showed up at the rallies. The entire
Minuteman spectacle, indeed, easily qualified for that journalistic catchall
phrase, 'a fizzle,' but virtually none of the news media reported it as
such.
"You wanna end abortion? It's simple. It's
easy. Picketing 'abortion mills' is not going to do it. And George Bush
ain't gonna do it either. Sorry, guys. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO END ABORTIONS:
Make sure there is a place in this world for every child that is conceived
so that a woman getting pregnant won't be afraid to carry her child to
term. Have the food, housing, education, health care, aunts, uncles and
loving grandparents all lined up to help. Make sure there's a place for
little Johnny at Harvard. It's that easy. I think God would agree with
me."
"Bush is a hooligan bereft of any personality as a human being, to say nothing of stature as president of a country. He is a half-baked man in terms of morality and a philistine whom we can never deal with." -
unnamed
North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman, according to the official
KCNA news service -
"Without a warrant, NYPD detectives and federal agents burst into the girl's home - no wonder they don't have time to look for Osama! - where they 'searched her belongings and confiscated her computer and the essays that she had written as part of a home schooling program,' say her family. 'One essay concerned suicide...[that] asserted that suicide is against Islamic law.' The family is Bangladeshi. They are Muslim. That, coupled with the mere mention of suicide bombing in her essay, was enough to put the fuzz on high alert. "Although she is conservative and devout, the girl and her parents vigorously deny that she is an Islamist extremist (not that such opinions are illegal), but this is post-9/11 America and post-9/11 America is out of its mind. "Based solely on an essay written by one of the two, the FBI says both girls are 'an imminent threat to the security of the United States based upon evidence that they plan to become suicide bombers.' But the feds admit that they have no evidence to back their suspicions. Nothing." - Ted Rall: Then They Came for the Children - Feds Arrest Girls for Teen Snottiness - "We've got God on our side
"One thing Biosphere 2 never
was was dull science. And one thing it may not be is around much longer.
The world's largest greenhouse, with its artificial rain forest, deserts,
savannas, farms and miniature ocean, is up for sale, and there's a chance
it will shut down as a tourist attraction by the end of summer. If you've
ever wanted to tour Biosphere 2, you'd best do it soon...
"The trouble is, when you win a close race,
you owe all the members of your coalition big-time. You can't say to the
National Rifle Association or the Confederation of Roof Manufacturers,
'Go take a leap - we could have won without you.' You pretty much have
to say, 'So what do you want?'"
"It is difficult to get a man to understand
something when his salary depends on his not understanding it."
"According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee
cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan.
Ignoring these laws, the bumblebee flies anyway."
"If you can't be competent, at least be consistent
to give the rest of us an opportunity to plan our defense."
"Usually people become reporters before
they prostitute themselves."
"Learn as though you would never be able to
master it; hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it."
"Style and Structure are the essence of a book;
great ideas are hogwash."
"Though God cannot alter the past, historians
can."
"I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I
have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon
and a cat that comes home late at night."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked
into jet engines."
"Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can
accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be
taken on its own merits."
"We do not err because truth is difficult to
see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable."
"We're all in this alone."
"Golf and sex are about the only things you
can enjoy without being good at."
"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few,
and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True
friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the
shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."
"Somebody has to do something, and it's just
incredibly pathetic that it has to be us."
"The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy
is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty."
"Better to write for yourself and have no public,
than to write for the public and have no self."
Everything Else If you dream of writing background music for film or television, post your music at Freeplay and see what happens. I can't believe you haven't read The
Jenny McCarthy Hearings.
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Last Disinfotainment Today,
Issue
#149, was much better than this one,
and so is Issue
#151.
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Contact George W. Bush
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Freemasons
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Skull and Bones
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Carlyle Group
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Illuminati
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact
Satan - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact both houses of
Congress - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Supreme Court
- president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Dick Cheney -
vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Halliburton -
vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Bechtel -
vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein
- vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Osama bin Laden
-
thetwins@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Fidel Castro
- jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Kim Jong Il -
eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac
- france-presse@un.int
Contact the Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact God - president@whitehouse.gov
Am I supposed to believe
you don't drink coffee?
You need a Disinfotainment
Today mug.

Boo hoo
I can't even afford a
cell phone, much less produce content for it.
Won't
you buy me a chocolate bar?
or
Buy
my novel
Read
the first chapter
"It's a charming story, very
funny and I hope he writes a lot more.
- Lynette Sheffield -
Acknowledgment
dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's fair use.
Thanks,
Dewey Chizone
Your Very Special Gif for Making it to the Bottom of the Page
From the Hypnerotomachia
Poliphili