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Issue #150

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Mobile Media Memory Dump
by Michael Dare

     Getting a glimpse of the future is always a good idea if you want to take advantage of it. If only you'd known that software was going to be more important than hardware, you could have dumped that IBM stock early and bought into Microsoft. If only you'd known internet porn was coming along, you wouldn't have saved all those Penthouses. If only you'd known the hole in the ozone layer was widening, you would have bought more sunscreen for your Mexican hairless with melanoma.
   Last week, I got a glimpse of the future of things you can carry in your pocket at a seminar in Los Angeles presented by The Media Center at the American Press Institute called Media Opportunities and Strategies for the Mobile Broadband Generation, so artists and writers (hereafter known as content providers), prepare to create for a whole new market, those with spare money to invest, prepare to pay attention, and those with spare time, prepare to never stop paying.
   In the future, you're going to have a lot more options concerning how to spend your downtime, roughly defined as the time in-between the times you're actually doing something. If you're home and you're bored, you turn on the TV. If you're bored in the car, there's the radio. But what if you're bored in an elevator or in a line? What if the waiter is taking forever with your salad or you arrived at the theater early? You could try meditating, but Buddhism doesn't fit in the Mobilista plans to fill every second of your day with something meaningless to do. You take out your cell phone and while away the seconds.
   The first mobile phones (Generation 1) were analogue, the next (G2) were digital, and we're now entering the G3 era, where phones have a cornucopia of new uses, including 4-6 gigabyte hard drives, text messaging (140 characters per screen) and the full streaming of channels that will deliver video and MP3 quality sound. Consider that American Idol gets 14 million text messages during voting before you write this off as a passing fad. It's a world with 150 different devices on the market, where "viral" is a good thing, where immediacy trumps quality, and there are so many protocols it makes the VHS/Beta debate look like rock/paper/scissors.
    The Mobilistas figure, with good reason, that nowadays no one leaves home without their keys, their wallet, and their cell phone. If they could take over your keys and your wallet, they would, and they will, but right now they're aiming at what they can get at. Mobile media, media in bite-sized chunks - where the biggest sellers are ringtones and wallpaper, making overnight millionaires of people smart enough to be selling them - is specifically created to access on the move. It's not TV. Too long. It's not internet. The screen's too small for serious research and it's not even compatible with HTML. Mobile media is a brand new thing, aimed at people who can't stand going for one single nanosecond without something to do.
   Waiting for the dentist? Why read an old issue of Cosmo when you've got 30,000 games at your disposal. Stuck in traffic? Don't fume, do some mobile blogging. Backpacking and resting on a rock? Why bother enjoying the scenery when you can watch a one-minute "mobisode" of 24?
    I attended seminars, listened to speeches, saw demonstrations, and chatted up the bigwigs in a desperate attempt to figure out what was going on. I can't tell you how many times I had to lean over to the person next to me and ask what the hell the speaker was talking about. I'm no technophobe, just a victim of a monetary crunch who has to get by on an antiquated WIN98 machine and a modem, which I brought with me and set up in the hotel room. Local calls turned out to be a dime a minute, so there went that notion. (Turned out the best place to retrieve my email was across the street at the downtown Los Angeles Public Library, the biggest west of the Mississippi, with hundreds of computers and free access. The building is magnificent, with an atrium the size of a football field and escalators leading to eight floors of amazing reading material. An entire floor of novels. I would have been happy to spend the entire trip there.)
    Forty people in the room, constant ringtones going off, pastries and coffee in the corner. Rather than set up a ubiquitous state-of-the-art laptop, I scribbled away on the conveniently supplied notebook with the conveniently supplied pen in the Palos Verde meeting room off the lobby of the Westin Bonaventure for the first day of talks...
 

     After an introduction by the producers of the event, Andrew Nachison and Susan Mernit, all in shades of green, the opening speaker, Will Weiss, chairman and CEO of the Promar Group, said "The future is a really big place," which only goes to show that I, and all journalists, have the Godlike ability to quote people out of context and make them sound dumber than they actually are. Weiss was a good opener, making it clear that there were opportunities galore, and that we should "think about designing the future, not trying to predict it." He talked about "guardrails," about the new media infiltrating everything. There are "Delta kiosks" where you can dump all your info before getting on a plane. GM's OnStar system, designed to deliver maps, now delivers news. Coke, finding themselves in possession of a massive distribution system, are now a media company with everything they need but content. While hyping us about "pay per performance" and "revenue streams," he advised us to work backwards, to start with the customer, not the technology. He told us the legendary story of Walter Yetnikov, the President of CBS Records, and Black Friday, when he thought he'd have to lay off half his staff because of the advent of CD technology, only to see his sales skyrocket. You just never know.
   Some parts of the future are scary, especially the possible uses of GPS (Global Positioning Systems). We've all seen the OnStar ads where someone's car says "We know where you are, don't move, help is on the way." In this case, we are glad that OnStar knows where we are. But imagine this. You're walking down the street and your cell phone rings. You answer it and find out it's the Starbucks you're walking past, beaming you a bar-code, and telling you that if you come in and let them scan it, you get a buck off a latte. In that case, unless you're starving for caffeine, you might not be so glad that even Starbucks knows where you are. 

     Last week I groused that I wasn't interested in a new technology that delivered the same old crap, and along came Lucy Hood, senior vice president of content and marketing for Newscorp, who seems to have heard my plea and gone the other way with it. She represented Fox for Phones and gave us The Fox Perspective - pushing the boundaries of mobile content. (Someone's going to have to explain what she meant when she said she wanted to change the "value chain" to a "value ecosystem.") Hood showed us examples of "mobisodes," one minute "mobile episodes" of current TV hits that can be downloaded to cell phones, including a lovely 60 seconds of Paris and Nicole changing diapers at a daycare center. Literally the same old crap.
   Admittedly, a mobisode of 24 was very entertaining, managing to cram a seduction, a murder, and an identity theft into one fast-paced minute. I can definitely see how fans of the broadcast version would want to see every mobisode too, if you don't take into account the Sinbad Syndrome, uttered by the genie in the Disney version, i.e. "All the power in the world, itsy bitsy living space." I saw the webisode of 24 on a big screen. How it will play in a crowded elevator on a screen the size of two Doritos is another matter.
   Only 20,000 devices can currently get mobisodes, but that's going to change fast as G3s take over the market. They'll be "the fourth screen."

     Through the next speaker, Brian Gratch, I learned there's a 70% penetration of cell phones in the USA and in excess of 100% in Sweden. The biggest sellers, ringtones and wallpaper, are just baby steps to gaming, then the user is hooked. It took 10 years to reach a billion cell phones in 2002, and only four years to reach two billion in 2006. They're already running out of new people to sell to, so whatever group you belong to, expect to be targeted. There's less calling and more T-messaging. Text messages are up to 45 billion per month, actually bigger than e-mail. Cell phones are a "portable proxy for social connections," a "short term engagement during downtime," and the fastest road towards "instant gratification." If you want to freak out your local cell phone salesman, be sure to grill them on "inter-carrier interoperability." 

   Sony VP Scott Smyers, who is also president of the Digital Living Network Alliance, made my head spin and the person next to me hate my guts as I asked them what the hell is wi-fi, wi-max, and what are silos. Please please please don't ask me to explain what wi-fi is. Just go here. (Okay, okay, it's 802.11b, a standard for wireless LANs operating in the 2.4 GHz spectrum with a bandwidth of 11 Mbps, not to be confused with 802.11a, which is a different standard for wireless LANs operating in the 5 GHz frequency range with a maximum data rate of 54 Mbps. There, are you happy now?)
    Scott said you can purchase rights to content at a kiosk that you can use with your phone, car, or reacquire in higher resolution when you get to your home TV, the same material all in different formats, at one price. He knows more about convergence, content protection, silos, and cars as mobile devices than you do, so you can take his word when he says that "business models are not all clear."

    Taking a break, I see that the Westin Bonaventure Hotel is a perfect microcosm of the future. It looks good from the outside but it's confusing as hell on the inside. You can't get to the pool level from the elevators, the free running machine on one of the third floor pods doesn't work, and no matter where you stand, you find yourself spying something across the lobby that you can't get too. I wander the dark hotel at night with a lantern searching for an ideal environment for rational journalism.

   Scott Rafer, president and CEO of Speedster, is "making money in walled gardens," delivering information to cell phones entirely through RSS feeds. Please please please don't ask me to explain what an RSS feed is. Just go here. (Okay, okay, RSS is a method of distributing links or syndicating content in your web site that you'd like others to use. Anybody who can figure out how to turn Disinfotainment Today into an RSS feed is welcome to.)
   Scott talked about topix and A9 and Flickr and Skype and by then the guy next to me was leaning the other way so I STILL don't know what he was talking about.

     Scott Fox from Global View Partners dropped phrases like "market segmentation" and "business model" and how to connect to a passionate fan base. How? Push compelling content through a narrow channel without increasing the size of your penis. He advised us to "bypass carriers who think they own customers just because of a flimsy billing device." Go ahead, pick a standard and rapidly deploy it. And this is really important. Start with an aggrigator, but first find out what an aggrigator is. Anybody out there reparsing distribution channels? Scott's your guy.

   I suppose Rob Enderle is about as good a representative of the Enderle Group as you're likely to run into at one of these things. He's a media consultant who warned us of the "vender feeding frenzy," and that we shouldn't "come up with technology, then try to find a home for it." He says that "of all the videoconferencing stores, Microsoft Smart Watch is the only one worth a damn." Flat rates, yes. Pay as you go, no. Don't try to change customer behavior unless they're pissing on your kiosk.

   Media Flo sent Jeff Lorbeck because apparently Flo wasn't available. Boy, was he clean cut, representing equally the suit and tie industries as well as "Virtual Private Networks" and "data optimization." He was the one astute enough to point out that Casio marketed teeny color sets in the 70s that had failed, presumably because people didn't want to watch TV on teeny screens.

   Gilles Babinet flew in from France which explained his accent. He's chairman and co-founder of Musiwave, who distribute wholesale MP3s to 18 different countries. He explained that broadcasting video took 100 times the bandwidth of sound, but people were certainly not willing to pay 100 times the price for it, so using bandwidth to measure cost wasn't necessarily a good thing. He made his business work through a one-way architecture, VAS (Value Added Service), and unfortunately, spoke of stand-alone networks, unicast, multicast, clipcaches, using existing UHF towers, and DVBH air interfaces. He might as well have been speaking in French.

    Anthony Bruno didn't know it but he had a version of my old job at Billboard magazine, covering new technology. He started talking to someone and Susan Mernit said "take this discussion off-line," meaning don't make the rest of us listen to it. It's a phrase I intend on using with my children.

   Why did Mitch Ratcliff, co-founder of Persuadio, have to go on and on about "top down broadcasting" and the "audience market" and "distribution hubs" and "Digital Rights Management" (purposely making things inconvenient enough to force the customer to pay for things they could just do themselves) and "the birth of adhocracy" and "Monetizable Moments" and "the edge?" Couldn't he tell I was baffled? I didn't want to hear that qwerty keyboards were a thing of the past. I can type almost 100 words per minute, but text messaging slows me down to about five. In-jokes and incomprehensible trivia presented as earthshattering news. (Mitch's current research project)

    Brian Hecht of kikucall has clients like HBO and Absolute and was smart enough not to print his picture. Actors and musicians can subscribe to casting calls through his service, which seems a good idea. Like Heidi Fleiss, his service has a "sophisticated back end" and is "all you can eat." He championed citizen journalism until he read this.

     The next day we all piled into a bus and headed to USC for a tour of their Immersive Media Lab at the Integrated Media Systems Center, where we got to see the visible future and all the implications. The walls of the campus are covered in spiffy screens showing all the candidates in the upcoming student election, a technological advance that makes it virtually impossible to tear down your opponent's posters without also tearing down your own.

   Adam Clayton Powell III took us into a room surrounded by speakers to listen to the next generation of sound, 10.2, which, as you might guess, is twice as good as 5.1. How? The introduction of height and depth without speakers on the ceiling or floor. Out went the lights and it started raining. Not just the sound of rain all around you but the sound of rain FALLING all around you.
    Next, we heard an a cappella chorus singing, and an a cappella chorus singing IN A CATHEDRAL, and we could hear the echo above us, then some jazz where the instruments zigged and zagged every which way.
   Powell explained that their goal was to be indistinguishable from reality, to integrate the individual components and deliver an experience beyond visual and audio, to approach "the bandwidth of reality," which is obviously infinite. Quite a task, but since Powell's father integrated the south, he's probably up to integrating visual and audio. The National Science foundation is paying for everything and hoping to benefit from potential industrial applications, which we can only hope goes beyond America's Army, which is currently and depressingly the most popular game on earth. (OPEN HOUSE on Oct. 6 & 7. Check it out here.)

    Next we were led upstairs from one A+ student's desk to another A+ student's desk to see what they were working on. At the Institute for Robotic Intelligence Systems, I visited the Haptics Department (don't ask) and used a joystick, though that's very much the wrong word, that had friction, gravity, and torque when I used it to move objects around in a virtual 3D universe on Wayne Zhu's computer screen. Thus, doctors could perform delicate surgery from long distance and actually FEEL the difference in pressure as they sliced through internal organs, or a deli in Yonkers could cut the fat off your pastrami in Beverly Hills.
   Philippos Mordohai had a 3D Modeling and Recognition system that Homeland Security is going to be interested in. Using a camera with two lenses, one above the other, he could capture you facing the camera and turn it into a rotatable 3D picture showing perfect profiles, thus photo recognition software in airports could recognize suspects from the side whom they'd only seen from the front. Thank you very much, Philippos. I'm sure they won't abuse the power.
   Anurag Farnoush showed us a peer-to-peer streaming video system where the more peers there are, the greater the quality, and Zhigang Deng displayed a Data Driven Facial Animation System that takes any vocal audio track and perfectly animates lips and facial features to fit the audio, thus potentially putting thousands of professional animators out of business. Way to go, Zhigang.
   Trying to put caricature artists like me out of business was Zhenyao Mo, whose amazing Automatic Portrait Rendering system will not only take any photo portrait and turn it into a caricature but render the caricature in the style of absolutely any artist whose work you care to scan into the computer.
   Best of all was the 20/20 classroom where the future of education was thrown in our faces, at least for those in the medical profession, whom we are assured actually retain more information when it's gathered in this incredible interactive manner. There, on a giant video screen, was a man, Dr. Metal, whose system you could enter interactively, getting smaller and smaller, into the muscles or liver, a fantastic voyage, full of wormholes to travel in and out, where you're not done till you've figured out how to lower your subject's glucose level, or thousands of other potential problems. Click on things and you get deeper and deeper, sub-molecular, chemistry, medicine, all in one amazing immersive educational experience masquerading as a game. I actually saw insulin binding. Still don't know what it is but I saw it.

    Make what you will of the fact that all the A+ students whose work we saw were non-white.

   According to focus groups, what's the one thing people REALLY want on their cell phones? A mirror. Also, unless I'm very much mistaken, Tim Repshire, technology manager at the Bakersfield Californian, actually said that focus groups say they want less journalists on drugs. Maybe I got it wrong. Journalists say What do you call a focus group at the bottom of the ocean? A good idea.

   Then Howard Owens, director of new media at the Ventura County Star, spoke and what a speaker he was. Magnificent. Unfortunately I spilt coffee on my notes about the exact subject he spoke about, but rest assured he was erudite, compelling, forthright, and I didn't understand a word of it.

   Dean Newton, vice-president of entertainment media at Infospace Mobile, was refreshingly honest, saying that Infospace was the "world's largest provider of crap for your cell phone." Ringtones ruled the day, along with games and news alerts. He had ringtone charts that were like Billboard charts, hit driven, 40-50% hip hop. He explained that ringtones used to be just polyphonic midi files but new "labeltones" were actual audio clips, making it possible for your phone to ring with George Carlin saying "Hey, asshole, it's for you." Yep, through a deal with Laughlink, they're selling comedy ringers. The number one selling comedy labeltone? Erik Estrada! Don't ask how many times people have paid two bucks to download a wallpaper saying "I heart beer." He referred to the primary motivating factor in sales as "hostage time," and clued us in to the unsurprising fact that 30-40% of all mobile media sales in Europe were adult. As soon as there's a unifying standard for adult verification in America, expect the same.
   On a side note, I should mention that the reason VHS won the format war against Beta wasn't because it was better but because Beta wouldn't issue licenses to porn distributors, thus cutting themselves out of what became, briefly, almost 90% of the market.

   Karen Stephenson is an anthropologist and president of Netform who spoke of behavior patterns, global nomadism, and the effect of mobile media on people who are migratory. She traced the link between drums and smoke signals and cell phones, advising us to think less about broadcasting and more about narrowcatching. In my favorite definition of the day, she described journalists as "anthropologists who write better."

    One advantage mobile media has over the internet is there's no entering credit card numbers to make purchases. Everything is tied to your phone bill, the central environment that controls everything. Jon Bostrom answered a question I know you're asking, which one should I buy? Take Jon's word for it, at this very second, what you want is a Nokia N91, and I'm sure he didn't say that just because he works for Nokia as chief Java architect for mobile software.
   Jon has succeeded in bringing the power of computer Java to cell phones without having to download and install programs, no administration, and no worry about conflicting versions. The Java's on the server side, with real time device inspection that remotely pushes whatever you need without having to ask. Fifteen million applications are downloaded every month worldwide so I guess it works.

   I wouldn't have known that the peer-to-peer network was known as the Darknet if not for Dewayne Hendricks(CEO of the Dandin Group and a member of the FCC Technological Advisory Council), or that it comprises 60-80% of all traffic, with BitTorrent alone comprising 50%. That's a lot of traffic and it's not all illegal downloads. There are multiple virtual worlds that can't be Googled, a genuine underground, full of trusted circles and communities who "create swarms" and share original material.
   Hendricks gave a fascinating history of mass communication and locked spectrums, from foot speed to light speed to warp speed, tracing the link from the Titanic to the National Information Infrastructure, from ham operators to Wi-Fi, where everyone's a transmitter.

   Mike Outmesquine, president and founder of TranStellar, showed up with a solar powered backpack, a junction box, and router enabling him to become a "mobile hotspot" and blog or videocast from absolutely anywhere. CSI units will soon be able to transmit fingerprints directly from a crime scene to a central database, or whatever Jerry Bruckheimer wishes.

    And it was over.

    If you were a speaker and I left you out, I apologize. I couldn't be there every goddam second. Or I fell asleep.

    I came away thinking that most of it's going to be irrelivision until the right genius comes along with mobile media content that isn't regurgitated old media content. Could be you.

     I want to thank The Media Center at the American Press Institute for not only allowing me to attend the Mobile Media Event but paying my expenses. It took balls to allow a sarcastic bastard like me in the door and I hope I didn't let them down.

    Closing remarks I never got to make...

    Like all of us, I came here to find out how I fit into this incredible new world of mobile media, so if any of you have figured out how I fit into this incredible new world of mobile media, please let me know.
 


 
FREEDOM AND WEEP
Posted May 3, 2005
 

Job Opportunity of the Week for Dick Cheney

A major dildo manufacturer is looking for a model for their new product.

Item I Should Have Used Two Months Ago

I wrote Governor Jeb Bush asking him to please let Terri Schiavo die in peace. Here's the reply...
 

Thank you for contacting Governor Bush to ask for his help in the case of Terri Schiavo. He has asked me to respond on his behalf.
The Governor shares your concern for this young woman and has pledged to do whatever he can within the laws of Florida to protect her life. The next few weeks will be very difficult ones for Ms. Schiavo, her family and all of those who care about her. The Governor asks that you keep her and her family in your prayers during this difficult time.
Again, thank you for writing Governor Bush about this important issue.
Sincerely,
L. O’Connor
Office of Citizens’ Services
Irony of the Week

The term "spam," meaning unsolicited email, came from a sketch on Monty Python's Flying Circus in which Spam was an ingredient in every item on the menu in a diner. Currently running on Broadway is a musical called Spamalot, based upon Monty Python and the Holy Grail. If you subscribe to the Spamalot newsletter, you recently got the following...
 

SpamAlot Security Alert
 

Dear Spamalot Newsletter Subscriber, 

It has come to our attention, that the database containing your subscription information may have been compromised during an attack on our servers by internet hackers. As a result of this theft, you may receive unsolicited emails to the account you submitted including fraudulent emails that appear to come from financial institutions. Since being informed of the potential problem, we have taken additional security precautions which will prevent this type of attack from succeeding in the future. 

We apologize if this has caused you alarm or inconvenience. If you have any questions or concerns, please contact us at newsletter@montypythonsspamalot.com

Sincerely, 

Website Manager


Gallery of the Week


3D reproductions of famous paintings

Stupid Answers of the Week

Last week's question... Out the door. Truncated issue. No time to come up with a stupid question. Whatayuh gonna do about it?

Send in a stupid answer anyway!
- Harry Houck

    couldn't think of any questions, huh?  how about, "why strippers never use horizontal poles? or why more polish girls aren't strippers?" Something involving nudity, for Christ's sake. n don't tell me about the gravity of the horizontal pole question either...it's plenty stupid.
    what am I gonna do about it?
    what are YOU gonna do about it, media boy?
very best,
chris from boca

    Ok I'll ask you a question.
    If a theoretical tree falls in a hypothetical forest and there are no pan-dimensional beings around to hear it does it still make a metaphysical sound?
- Paul 

Why. Do you ask?
- JB

    Maybe it's just me, but has anyone else noticed that the current evangelical-Christian 'religion' pushed today has all the characteristics of the perfect conspiracy theory? It has:
The greatest hero possible (Jesus)
Fighting for the greatest power ("God")
The greatest enemy possible ("Satan and his minions")
Who's minions are everywhere (Everyone that doesn't agree with them, especially liberals)
The greatest possible stakes (The world and all its 'souls,' which for the cynical means total power over everyone else)
The greatest possible battle (Armageddon)
The greatest possible chances of being a self-fulfilling prophecy (Bush and the Neo-cons)
I'm sure that you can add to this list without too much effort.    It just keeps coming back, too. The "Armageddon of some kind is right around the corner unless you follow me" crowd has been there ever since recorded history began. 
- Call me "Sarek of Vulcan" Please don't use my real name or e-mail address if you print this. The mindstate of the radical Right and its followers concerns me these days. It's getting harder and harder for me tell the difference between religious fanatics.. Islamic, Christian, or any other.Stray thought: Hmmm..I wonder what a Buddhist terrorist would do as a terrorist act?

Mike mate
   Your country has some of the most severe drug laws in the world, yes? (Besides Bali, where 9 Australians are waiting to be served with possible death sentences and 1 facing life for a marijuana bust that appears totally false)… anyhoo…
   I’ve heard of people in America doing years in the joint for possessing a joint, so what possesses you to constantly keep referring to drugs?
   And giving the cops a time and place ("If you're in LA, you can reach me at 213-624-1000. Come by. Bring drugs") to come and get you?    Are you possessed with a joint wish?
- Waldo

I refuse to let paranoia rule my life. Besides, two people actually DID come by with pot, so it was worth it. Luckily, Disinfotainment Today doesn't drug test it's employees.
MD

    dear human gods,
   please help me to overcome my homosexual tendencies. i know only god and god's good people can save me from myself. i will bend on knee for jesus and god and give them all the loving that i can muster if they could do this one thing for me. I will please them while in submission in anyway that i can. And if you could bring me to that place in front of gods great power, i will also give you a life time full of servitude and love. please help me.
    I'm just a poor soul who has been affected by the demon that is homosexuality. since i was a little boy i always had thoughts about men. some might think that a percentage of humans just might happen to be gay but i know (because i believe in you so) that they are wrong and misguided. i know that its only when they are held from behind by the great power of christ that they will reach their climax of eternal bliss. its only when gods great hand moves across their bodies that they can reach that place of great pleasure.
    PLEASE HELP! the earth needs your views and beliefs to dictate us before we become a bunch of ass grabbing monkey queers. god save the queen. 
- derral 
ps. its about time we start grilling these bastards. i hope one day they will find themselves in front of the hateful devil they worship, getting it in the ear.

Stupid Question of the Week

I've never understood why "I can't see me lovin' nobody but YOU for all my life" is supposed to be a compliment. And don't get me started on "Someone like YOU makes it hard to live without SOMEBODY ELSE." Name some other lines in rock songs that don't make a shred of sense.

Send your answers to stupidquestion@disinfotainmenttoday.com.

Chart of the Week

Pamela Anderson is nothing like Adolf Hitler

Action                                                        Hitler               Anderson 

Blew Tommy Lee                                       No                  Yes
Annexed the Sudatenland                         Yes                 No

Belated Christmas Gift from Hell
For the Doper Who Has Everything

The controversial U.S. 1937 Marijuana Tax stamps kept under lock and key for nearly 70 years are now available to collectors for the first time! Now you can acquire a rare, complete set of four perforate stamps from the historic First Issue of Marijuana stamps... and the remarkable history they represent. For your convenience, interest-free time payments are available.

Report: U.S. Leads World In Lost Sunglasses

WASHINGTON, DC
According to a report by the Bureau of Accessory Statistics, each year the U.S. loses more pairs of sunglasses per person than any other nation. "Over 1.6 billion pairs of sunglasses are lost by Americans concerned with shielding their eyes from excess light and harmful UVA radiation," the report read. "This works out to six pairs of sunglasses per American per year, or 50 pairs of sunglasses lost every second." In second place, Italy has a lost-sunglasses rate of one pair per citizen per year, followed by Japan, Iceland, and Portugal with loss rates of .23, .19, and .16 respectively.

- respected news source -

Internet Joke of the Week

     The Marines found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
    The first officer who accepted, Capt. Hickey, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
    The second officer who accepted, Major Bordonaro, was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
    The third one was a grizzly old LT. Colonel, Mike Dean. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles."
    It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider; explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received.     But the old Snake Eater insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
    The medical officer arrived and instructed the Colonel to drop' em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Colonel's penis and began to work back. "My God! he suddenly exclaimed", "Where are your testicles?"
    The Lt. Colonel calmly replied, "Vietnam." 

Belated Chanukah Gift from Hell
For the Doper Who Has Everything

Available only from Miss Poppy Dixon

Don't Take My Word For It

"Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through education, or by legislation."
- Robert A. Heinlein -

"My guard stood hard when abstract threats 
too noble to neglect
deceived me into thinking 
I had something to protect.
Good and bad, I define these terms
Quite clear, no doubt, somehow
Ah, but I was so much older then
I'm younger than that now."
- Bob Dylan: My Back Pages -

    "Though the Minuteman organizers vowed that 1,600 or more mad-as-hell volunteers had signed up for duty and that 'potentially several thousands' would participate in the kickoff rallies during April Fools' weekend, turnout was an unmitigated flop less than a tenth of the promised throngs showed up at the rallies. The entire Minuteman spectacle, indeed, easily qualified for that journalistic catchall phrase, 'a fizzle,' but virtually none of the news media reported it as such.
    "On its opening day, I could count no more than 135 participants, even at the two kickoff public rallies along the Arizona border. At one near the border town of Douglas, two dozen reporters and a handful of TV cameras swarmed over no more than 10 Minutemen most of them sitting in lawn chairs or in pickup truck beds. During the entire kickoff weekend, the media troops clearly outnumbered the Minutemen. And in the days that followed, piecing together the various reports and reading between the lines, it's obvious that the Minuteman numbers dwindled to no more than a few dozen at a time. If that many people marched down Hollywood Boulevard for any cause, who'd report it?...
   "But the notion of platoons of gun-toting yahoos combing the U.S. border and possibly confronting (if not shooting) illegal crossers or even Border Patrol agents was just too much of a temptation for a sensation-driven media to resist. The streets of picturesque Tombstone were, all of a sudden, jammed with mammoth satellite trucks as reporters, camera operators, technicians and writers combed the tourist saloons for their story like modern Wyatt Earps stalking the Clanton gang. No one in the media, it seems, wanted to be the one who told his or her boss that they had trekked out to the border for no reason. So the media shut their eyes and obediently played their role as enablers to the publicity-starved organizers. That too-common Faustian bargain of modern media was quietly negotiated: We'll put you on the air or get you in the paper if you give us good copy. Show us a few guys with guns so we can get our story and go home."
- Marc Cooper: The 15-Second Men: What if the media staged a stunt or helped stage a stunt and nobody came? -

"You wanna end abortion? It's simple. It's easy. Picketing 'abortion mills' is not going to do it. And George Bush ain't gonna do it either. Sorry, guys. THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO END ABORTIONS: Make sure there is a place in this world for every child that is conceived so that a woman getting pregnant won't be afraid to carry her child to term. Have the food, housing, education, health care, aunts, uncles and loving grandparents all lined up to help. Make sure there's a place for little Johnny at Harvard. It's that easy. I think God would agree with me."
- Jane Stillwater -

 
"Bush is a hooligan bereft of any personality as a human being, to say nothing of stature as president of a country. He is a half-baked man in terms of morality and a philistine whom we can never deal with."
- unnamed North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman, according to the official KCNA news service -
 
    "They've vanished into the netherworld of a Homeland Security gulag and their story has already disappeared from the headlines, but the shocking case of two 16-year-old girls from New York City arrested a month ago ought to inspire outrage among every American worthy of the name. Since the government's reasons for the girls' imprisonment could apply to virtually any teenager, it should also spark fear...
   "Without a warrant, NYPD detectives and federal agents burst into the girl's home - no wonder they don't have time to look for Osama! - where they 'searched her belongings and confiscated her computer and the essays that she had written as part of a home schooling program,' say her family. 'One essay concerned suicide...[that] asserted that suicide is against Islamic law.' The family is Bangladeshi. They are Muslim. That, coupled with the mere mention of suicide bombing in her essay, was enough to put the fuzz on high alert.    "Although she is conservative and devout, the girl and her parents vigorously deny that she is an Islamist extremist (not that such opinions are illegal), but this is post-9/11 America and post-9/11 America is out of its mind.
   "Based solely on an essay written by one of the two, the FBI says both girls are 'an imminent threat to the security of the United States based upon evidence that they plan to become suicide bombers.' But the feds admit that they have no evidence to back their suspicions. Nothing."
- Ted Rall: Then They Came for the Children  - Feds Arrest Girls for Teen Snottiness -

"We've got God on our side
We're just trying to survive
What if what you do to survive
Kills the things you love"
- Bruce Springsteen: Devils and Dust -

    "One thing Biosphere 2 never was was dull science. And one thing it may not be is around much longer. The world's largest greenhouse, with its artificial rain forest, deserts, savannas, farms and miniature ocean, is up for sale, and there's a chance it will shut down as a tourist attraction by the end of summer. If you've ever wanted to tour Biosphere 2, you'd best do it soon...
   "[A]lmost from the moment they sealed the airlock, things began to go wrong. They'd picked the site for its bountiful sunshine, but those two years coincided with an El Nio episode, and the cloudy Arizona skies blocked a quarter of the usual solar rays. The photosynthesis of oxygen-giving plants slowed sharply. The hummingbirds began to die off. So did the bumblebees. Plants didn't get pollinated; crops began to fail. The pigs raided the vegetable gardens before they, too, died. The screeching galagas kept the Biospherians awake at night. Chickens laid only 256 eggs the first year, although their output increased when they were fed a rich diet of the ubiquitous cockroaches. Eventually, 19 of the 25 vertebrate species in their little world went 'extinct.' Ironically, the only birds to thrive were three English sparrows that weren't supposed to be there in the first place. They'd stowed away during construction.
    "'Basically, we suffocated, starved and went mad,' Jane Poynter, one of the Biospherians, was widely quoted as saying."
- John Flinn: WORLD OF WONDER - Once a harbinger of the future, Biosphere 2 might not have a future for much longer -

"The trouble is, when you win a close race, you owe all the members of your coalition big-time. You can't say to the National Rifle Association or the Confederation of Roof Manufacturers, 'Go take a leap - we could have won without you.' You pretty much have to say, 'So what do you want?'"
- Molly Ivins: Who Let the Dogs In? -

"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it."
- Upton Sinclair -

"According to aerodynamic laws, the bumblebee cannot fly. Its body weight is not the right proportion to its wingspan. Ignoring these laws, the bumblebee flies anyway."
- M. Sainte-Lague -

"If you can't be competent, at least be consistent to give the rest of us an opportunity to plan our defense."
- James C. Sandefer: Rambling Thoughts -

"Usually people become reporters before they prostitute themselves."
- Jeff Gannon -

"Learn as though you would never be able to master it; hold it as though you would be in fear of losing it."
- Confucius -

"Style and Structure are the essence of a book; great ideas are hogwash."
- Vladimir Nabokov -

"Though God cannot alter the past, historians can."
- Samuel Butler -

"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night."
- Marie Corelli -

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
- John Benfield -

"Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits."
- Dan Barker -

"We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable."
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn -

"We're all in this alone."
- Lily Tomlin -

"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at."
- Jimmy Demaret -

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation."
- George Washington -

"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us."
- Jerry Garcia -

"The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is inefficiency. An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to liberty."
- Eugene McCarthy -

"Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self."
- Cyril Connolly -

Everything Else

If you dream of writing background music for film or television, post your music at Freeplay and see what happens.

I can't believe you haven't read The Jenny McCarthy Hearings.
 

Who am I?

Last Disinfotainment Today, Issue #149, was much better than this one,
and so is Issue #151.


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The Best of Disinfotainment Today


  • The Speech I Wasn't Allowed to Give by Michael Dare
  • Going, Going, Gonzo by Michael Dare
  • Pride and Paranoia by Paul Krassner
  • Happy April 15
  • Pope John Paul on Satan for a Day
  • Johnny Cochran Meets Dr. Hip by Paul Krassner
  • Terri Schiavo on Satan for a Day
  • The End of Journalism by Paul Krassner
  • My First Crisis of Conscience
  • Spoiler Alert: Million Dollar Baby or Won't Get Food Again
  • Gonzo Journalist of the Year Award
  • Fear and Loathing at the Funeral Parlor by Michael Dare
  • Blowing Deadlines by Paul Krassner
  • Meaningless Rant and the subsequent discussion of gay marriage
  • Fever Dream I and III by Michael Dare
  • Rumpleforeskin Awards for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  • Happy New Year, Planet Earth by Jim Channon
  • Double Agent by Paul Krassner
  • I Confess, I'm breaking two new laws by Michael Dare
  • The Brain Monologues by Michael Dare
  • Chilling Effects by Paul Krassner
  • Memorial to David Jove
  • The Rapture President by Paul Krassner
  • A Government Fable
  • Russ Meyer and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
  • Mr. Metaphor on Stagecoaches
  • A Kinder, Gentler Paper by Paul Krassner
  • Little Guantanamo and the Republican Convention by Erin Starr
  • Howl for Girlie Men by Paul Krassner
  • The New Olympics
  • The REAL My Pet Goat
  • Republican Campaign Song by Michael Dare
  • Defying Convention by Paul Krassner
  • Zen Bastard: When Arnold Met Martha by Paul Krassner
  • DVD of the Week: 911 In Plane Site
  • "Urge Curt D. Pangracs to Quit His Job" Petition
  • Meet the Norms by Michael Dare
  • Zen Bastard: I Forgot What This Article is Called by Paul Krassner
  • The Simpsons and the South Park Kids visit Abu Ghraib
  • DVD of the Week: Orwell Rolls in His Grave
  • Why I Won't Watch the Nick Berg Video
  • The Destroyed Tapes of the Air Traffic Controllers on 9/11
  • Zen Bastard: Deep Throats - Was Monica Lewinsky the 20th Hijacker? by Paul Krassner
  • Letter to Mary Beckerman
  • Four Zen Bastards by Paul Krassner
  • Letter from Jack Cohen-Joppa of the U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu.
  • Patrick Henry's "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" Speech
  • Free Bumperstickers
  • Studio Script Notes on The Passion by Steve Martin
  • In the Eyes of the Law, I'm a Criminal by Montel Williams and Lawrence Grobel
  • Why I'm Not a Terrorist
  • My Candidate: John Buchanan: Bush's GOP Challenger Detained by US Secret Service
  • Republican Zen Bastard: Meet the Republican who will Challenge Bush by Paul Krassner
  • Zen Bastard: Predictions for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  • Making the Yoke Obsolete
  • Good News/Bad News about Saddam's Capture
  • Zen Bastard: Blowjobs, Ballet, Baggies - the parts left out of the Reagan movie by Paul Krassner
  • Tips on Junk Calls by Ken Rubin
  • The Worst Commercial on Television
  • Marketing Ploys from Hell
  • Zen Bastard: Threats Against the President by Paul Krassner
  • The Bush/Nazi Connection: Journalist John Buchanan gets targeted
  • Why Schwarzenegger Gropes
  • Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press
  • Me and Monty Python
  • Special 9/11 "Don't Take My Word for It"
  • Zen Bastard: Who's Need to Know? by Paul Krassner
  • Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (An Other Triumph For George W. And You Cannot Prove Those Are My Baboon Noses So Stop Saying That!!)
  • Mordechai Vanunu: The Prisoner of Zion by Mary La Rosa
  • Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (I Am Not Fair and Balanced and I Am Not A Sissy For Having A George W. Bush Doll So Stop Saying That!!)
  • Bob Hope's Last Monologue from Heaven by Lynette Sheffield
  • Inside/Outside #1: The Riddicks vs. Judge Burrell by Billy Hayes
  • The California Choice
  • Creation Science Fair Proves God Exists by Tom Norris
  • What Would Jesus Do About Cramps? by Nancy Cain
  • Summer Reading or Harry Potter vs. What's-His-Face
  • Scumbags of the Week - Letter to the RIAA
  • Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah
  • The Israeli Wall
  • Dream Job or How Disinfotainment Today Almost Came Out in Print
  • Celebrities vs. the United States Government
  • Test of the National Homeland Reconciliation and Healing System
  • The Still Missing Artifacts
  • Why Bush is Nothing Like Hitler
  • Tim Robbins' Speech to theNational Press Club
  • Randy Newman's "Follow the Flag"
  • How I would Re-Write the Bill of Rights by Satan
  • I Didn't See the News Today, Oh Boy
  • Global Voice by Jim Channon
  • Daniel Ellsberg's Review of the Made-for-TV Movie The Pentagon Papers
  • The Lemon Pledge of Allegiance
  • U.S. Diplomat's Letter of Resignation
  • Message from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
  • Obfuscation of the Week: Who grows the most opium? We do.
  • Urgent Plea for Assistance from George W. Bush
  • How I Got the Rights to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
  • Please Help the FBI Find These People
  • The Adventures of Xarvon: Alien Investigator
  • The Under-Reported Story of the Year - Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush
  • Why I'm Optimistic About the Future by Paul Krassner
  • Booze (A movie I'd like to see)
  • Hope (after the election)
  • The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu
  • Special Halloween/Election Issue
  • What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin?
  • Forwarded E-mail from Satan
  • A Letter from Tom Robbins
  • Good Thing/Bad Thing - American Foreign Policy
  • The Ultimate Politically Correct Flag and Pledge of Allegiance
  • A Letter from Paul Krassner
  • The History of Denials

  • Don't Let This Happen to You

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