You get to decide who's spirit you want to carry on. There's a long list of dead people just waiting for someone like you to speak their name in reverence. If the cause of John Lennon or Mahatma Gandhi were available for you to revive, if god were speaking through them, why would you pick someone god spoke through thousands of years ago where the information is so much less reliable? I've seen John Lennon saying "All we are saying is give peace a chance," but I've never seen Jesus do shit. Oh, sure, I've heard shit ATTRIBUTED to him, but we know how unreliable information is from second hand sources, much less sources that have gone through hundreds of edits and translations through the years.
    Then, like now, they were particularly adept at getting rid of evidence that contradicted their personal view of things. The printing press was hardly invented before people started destroying one book that contradicted another book. Since initial printing runs ran to the hundreds, not millions, it was easy for some frisky Pope to send out the minions to search for every single copy of a particular tome and destroy it, and if there were any gospels that didn't toe the line, if the Gospel of Artimis said nope, that wasn't Jesus walking on water, it was Judas, the lack of it's existence is proof they were out to destroy it.
   That's what's great about certain theories, the lack of proof they're not true is what proves they're true.
    Below are a couple letters to the Kansas School Board, who are adding intelligent design to the science curriculum normally reserved for evolution, demanding they also entertain teaching yet another explanation for our existence. Who says evolution or intelligent design are the only options?
   I invite everybody (yeah, that means you, even if you've never answered one of these things, you know who you are, you sit there, smugly refusing to participate, not this time pal) to read these examples and write your own letter to the Kansas School Board explaining why they should also teach YOUR unique view of things. CC to me and I'll print them.

Open Letters to the Kansas School Board

Dear Kansas School Board,

    Your education system is an outrage to those of us communicating with the four giant turtles upon which the earth sits. For years we've been trying to get NASA to admit they Photoshopped out the turtles from all their space shots but good luck when Dan Quayle runs the agency. Like good FAA traffic controllers, they know when to keep their mouths shut.
   Just because they're turtles doesn't mean they're not intelligent. I mean come on, their brains are as big as Australia, and there are four of them. I don't think we want to piss them off. They could cause an earthquake or a tidal wave just by stumbling across a nice piece of broccoli.     The lack of evidence proves my point. That there's a conspiracy against us is the only possible explanation for the startling lack of turtle tracks. 

   Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
   It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
   Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease..."

More about the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

"Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof."
- Ashley Montague -

I'm a Fucking Psychic

Last week, on June 20th, I made up a fantastic story that scientists had isolated the "greed" glitch in human DNA. The very next day, June 21st, the following story appeared in the New York Times...

"But on the basis of a new study, a team of political scientists is arguing that people's gut-level reaction to issues like the death penalty, taxes and abortion is strongly influenced by genetic inheritance. The new research builds on a series of studies that indicate that people's general approach to social issues - more conservative or more progressive - is influenced by genes."
- Benedict Carey: Some Politics May Be Etched in the Genes -

Film Review from Hell

"Hugnl...hrllll ughnnn? Ughnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh! Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth! nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh! Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh! Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth!nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh aaaagth!nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ahhhh ughhh uuuuuuuuhhhh mnrglthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhthhh! Uhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Uhhh grghlthhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh! Uhhhhhh! NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! UUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH! Grraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagth! BRAINS!"
- Special Guest review of Land of the Deadby Gene Siskel -

The Guantanamo Archipelago

"Well, I think that Senator Durbin owes not only the Senate an apology - I don't know if censure would be in order - but an apology because it does a great disservice to men and women who suffered in the gulag and in Pol Pot's killing fields. Dick Durbin should be required to read Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn's 'Gulag Archipelago' and I think that he would - may have a better understanding that there's no comparison whatsoever. And it does a great disservice to the majority of men and women who are serving in Guantanamo who are doing the job that they're told to do and they're doing it in a humane fashion. To tar the American servicemen and women with a brush that applies to the gulag or the killing fields is a great disservice to the men and women in the military who are serving honorably down there."
- Senator John McCain -

"Sen. Richard J. Durbin of Illinois, the Senate's second-ranking Democrat, apologized Tuesday for comparing the treatment of detainees in the U.S. facility at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to the methods used in Nazi, Soviet and Cambodian concentration camps."

     Might I point out that pointing out the differences between two things doesn't nullify the similarities? I can point out the differences between apples and oranges all day, different colors, different skins, different taste, but none of the differences will change the similarities, that they're both fruit grown on trees.
   And the people pointing out all the differences between the Gulag Archipelago and Guantanamo Bay are right, there are differences, particularly concerning scale, but none of the differences change the similarities, that they're both prison camps outside the boundaries of traditional justice where prisoners are routinely tortured despite having never been charged with any particular crime.
   Don't forget that most of those in Guantanamo are from the forgotten Afghani war. The fact that we bombarded Afghanistan with leaflets offering thousands of dollars to anyone who turned in a terrorist seems to back the supposition that many in Guantanamo Bay are guilty of nothing more than knowing someone who needed money. I'm not saying they're all innocent. I'm sure they're all guilty of something, but no one can defend their innocence because, like I said, they haven't been charged with anything. Maybe there's a child molester among them. Put 'em on trial. It'll be good television.
   There's no getting past the people who simply believe we're in the right, who trust our motives, which justifies anything. Has a single candidate for president come right out and said that they would scrupulously follow the Geneva Convention concerning how we treat our prisoners of war, simply because that's how we want them to treat their prisoners of war? Sounds pretty logical to me.
   Get used to the fact we're going to be there forever. We're building dozens of immense permanent military bases. Even if we pull out, we're not going to totally pull out, we're just going to pull back to our havens in the area.
   Saddam was like Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. Since we're behaving the same way he did, we didn't take him down because he was a corrupt homicidal maniac, we took him down because he was a renegade corrupt homicidal maniac.
   And no matter how long your list of the ways in which we're behaving differently from Saddam, they don't nullify the ways in which we're behaving similarly, killing thousands of innocent people, displaying nothing but contempt for the population, arresting them without charges, and torturing them mercilessly in an endless display of might makes right.
   If a foreign country were to invade America, enter my hometown with troops, and immediately begin fixing the highways, building hospitals, and offering free laptops and wifi service, I'd say well, it's about time.
   But if a foreign country were to invade America, enter my hometown with troops, and immediately started arresting people who opposed them, destroying highways and bombing hospitals, and offering nothing in any way that improved my living conditions, I'd say get the hell out of here. I might even do something about it.

"One of Falah's captains began beating the detainee. Instead of a quick hit or slap, we now saw and heard a sustained series of blows. We heard the sound of his fists and boots on the detainees body, and we heard the detainees pained grunts as he received his punishment without resistance. It was a dockyard mugging."
- Peter Maass: eyewitness to American torture - 

"In the silence we could hear someone in the corridor protesting. They took him from the cell and into a box... They left the door open, and they kept beating him a long time. In the suspended silence every blow could be heard clearly."
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn: eyewitness to Soviet torture -

Stupid Answers of the Week

Last week's stupid question...

If George W. Bush is impeached, Dick Cheney will become president. Please explain why this is a good idea.

    It's like Scooby Doo. Every episode the gang is going to pull the mask off to reveal its just the old man trying to save his fortune.
   You know the ending, but you don't feel complete until the charade is exposed and shaggy downs a few Scooby Snacks.
- Locke

If George W. Bush AND Dick Cheney are impeached, Dick Cheney WON'T be President.
- segmentis

Having Scrooge McDuck meets Old Man Potter as president will turn people away from the Republican Party for a generation, especially after the Democratic-majority Congress starts investigating all those sweet war deals Dick did with Halliburton and ExxonMobil, and the missing Iraq $8 billion is discovered in shoeboxes stuffed with cash in his bunker. Cheney, like another notorious Dick, will resign before being impeached, after appointing Donald Rumsfeld as his vice president, and Rumsfeld will then pardon Cheney of all crimes committed while he was in office. Then the investigations of Rumsfeld will commence, he'll appoint Douglas Feith as his V.P., quit before impeachment, and Feith will pardon Dandy Don for all crimes committed in office. Then Feith will appoint Condi Rice as his Veep, he will be investigated and resign before...well, you get the idea.
- RSJ

With President "Big Dick" Cheney in charge, we'd just have to send in Sen. Hillary to whisper in his ear, "Bill's is bigger," causing a seizure of laughter that would bring about his swift demise.... 
- James and Katherine Allard

One at a time....
- Michael Allison

IMPEACH CHENEY FIRST !!!
- Kevin Charles

   1) Cheney would take the main stage and have a heart attack!
   2) Jeb won't be able to run
   3) Hopefully the chimp impeachment will shed light on Snarls' nefarious doings and remove that verminous filth also.
    4) It would be fun to watch the media whores and sluts like Flesh Windblow , insHanitty. Anthrax Coulter and Robert Nofacts twisting and spinning like pigs caught in a mud tornado.- Paul Because finally, a president's first name will fit their character???
- Haris Michelis

Silly little man - Dick Cheney already IS president Always has been! DUMBya is just window dressing. I thought everyone knew that.
- Terry C

It will provide ample fuel for satirists around the world; The President's a Dick being the most obvious, but one can imagine countless others Dick Supports the Troops , Tourists clamor for chance of seeing Dick, as well as Dicks for the Chop when he's eventually replaced.
- Nick Kent

Does it matter? Isn't Dick Cheney already the acting President?
- David Bruce

Dick already influences the presidency far beyond that of any former veeps, in word and deed, and if we elect him in 2008, he will get richer from his deferred comp from Halliburton, but we'll keep him from it for 4 more years.
- Jkingwriter

   Here's NEXT week's stupid question: How many answers to this week's question will be some form of "He's running the country anyway, might as well bring it out in the open."
   Here's my answer to the question for #157:
   Because if the evil puppet-master is in that chair then we won't have to look at the simpering puppet-MONKEY in that chair.
- Jimmy McConnell

Other Letters

   I just came across a factoid that I thought I might pass along:
   France takes its name from the Franks. And in Frankish (an old Germanic language), the word "frank" means "free". So they really are Freedom Fries after all.
Cheers,
Charles Watkins

Some kind of a comedian, are we?
   Salam!
   Men marry because they are tired women, because they are curious both are disappointed.
   As men begin to grow civilized, they cease to be satisfied with mere tabus, and substitute divine commands and prohibitions
    Arm yourselves, and be ye men of valor, and be in readiness for the conflict; for it is better for us to perish in battle than to look upon the outrage of our nation and our altar. Be right, and then be easy to live with, if possible, but in that order.
   He who puts up with insult invites injury. Ideas that enter the mind under fire remain there securely and for ever.
   Na'j wetz There are as many kinds of beauty as there are habitual ways of seeking happiness.
   For the things we have to learn before we can do them, we learn by doing them.
- Allen

Stupid Question of the Week

What the hell is that last guy talking about?

Send your answers here. 

Steve Young's Republican BS Converter

What Karl Rove Said, Jun 22, 2005...

"Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and wanted to prepare indictments and offer therapy and understanding for our attackers. Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and prepared for war."

What Karl Rove Really Meant, Jun 22, 2005

"Liberals saw the savagery of the 9/11 attacks and didn't let the terrorists turn us into them - understanding that no matter what had happened we had to keep the Bill of Rights intact. Conservatives saw the savagery of 9/11 and the attacks and 'fixed' intelligence so we could go to war."

What Karl Rove Said, Jun 22, 2005...

"Conservatives saw what happened to us on 9/11 and said we will defeat our enemies. Liberals saw what happened to us and said we must understand our enemies.

" What Karl Rove Really Meant, Jun 22, 2005

"Conservatives saw what happened to us on 9/11 and said we will create even more enemies. Liberals saw what happened to us and said we must not become our own enemies."

Sites I Discovered Because They Mysteriously Linked to Me

Fleshbot is a surprisingly intelligent and pretty funny guide to internet pornography.

I spent way too much time at Thighs Wide Shut and Milk and Cookies and Unique Daily because they all have hundreds of insane links.

Obscure Download of the Week

Can I insist you watch the Rolling Stones on Ed Sullivan? You know I can. 

Chart of the Week

Bozo the Wonder Chimp is nothing like George W. Bush!

Action                                                             Bozo                    Bush

Flings crap at innocent passersby              Yes                       No
Flings armies at innocent civilians               No                        Yes

Other Chart of the Week 

From the supreme wacko utterly insane 
but nevertheless quite entertaining site of the week
full of lucid theories presented in the worst manner possible 
(Unless it's all true in which case burn your bibles.)

Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week

At prognisticate, you try to guess the missing words in current news stories. It's a cross between Mad Libs, Jeopardy, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire, and totally addicting.

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

A box of baking soda in the refrigerator only absorbs moisture and really doesn't do much good absorbing odors.

Don't Take My Word For It

"We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace - business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering. They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt -

    "The American general who commanded allied air forces during the Iraq war appears to have admitted in a briefing to American and British officers that coalition aircraft waged a secret air war against Iraq from the middle of 2002, nine months before the invasion began.  Addressing a briefing on lessons learnt from the Iraq war Lieutenant-General Michael Moseley said that in 2002 and early 2003 allied aircraft flew 21,736 sorties, dropping more than 600 bombs on 391 carefully selected targets before the war officially started.
    "The nine months of allied raids laid the foundations for the allied victory, Moseley said. They ensured that allied forces did not have to start the war with a protracted bombardment of Iraqi positions."
- Michael Smith: General admits to secret air war -

"With two wars and 13 years of criminal sanctions, the United States have been responsible for more deaths in Iraq than Saddam Hussein."
- Larry Everest -

"So the American government is pressuring foreign countries to censor their news. Aside from the fact that this act is the height of arrogance by the United States, it makes it exceedingly clear why so many Americans who rely on the corporate media for their news continue to be so misinformed/un-informed about the goings on in Iraq. If the American government is attempting to censor the news in foreign countries, you can imagine what they are doing at home."
- Dahr Jamail: Iraq Dispatches -

    "Defense Secretary Rumsfield doesn't like the outcome of the Iranian elections where the winning candidate won in a landslide getting 60% of the vote. Rumsfield called it a mock election complaining that the 8 candidates they had to choose from were somehow fixed.
   "Here in the USA we don't have 8 candidates to choose from. We have only 2 which are chosen by political insiders. We had Skull and Bones man Bush vs. Skull and Bones man Kerry, with the electronic voting machines under the control of the Republican party. Bush won the previous election only because the Republican controlled Supreme Court stopped the vote count and illegally declared Bush the winner. This election was won by rigging voting machines in Florida to swap the totals in Democrat dominated counties in Florida.
   "So it seems to me that we are hardly in a position to criticize the outcome of Iran's elections. But Rummy would have to make that claim because he is moving to invade Iran next. Who would have thought we would see the day when Iran had freer elections than America?"
- Marc Perkel -

"I do not want my house to be walled in on all sides and my windows to be stuffed. I want the cultures of all the lands to be blown about my house as freely a possible."
- Mahatma Gandhi -

"I am an American. I am writing to you to express my support for what you are doing and to tell you that I support the Iraqi resistance. In fact, I believe that there are quite a large number of Americans who feel the same way as I do, to one degree or another, because they understand how criminal this war and occupation is and that America is solidly in the wrong."
- Ned: Live free or die (actual American or disinfo? Good question.) -

    "America's founders knew all too well how war appeals to the vanity of rulers and their thirst for glory. That's why they took care to deny presidents the kingly privilege of making war at their own discretion.
    "But after 9/11 President Bush, with obvious relish, declared himself a 'war president.' And he kept the nation focused on martial matters by morphing the pursuit of Al Qaeda into a war against Saddam Hussein.
    "In November 2002, Helen Thomas, the veteran White House correspondent, told an audience, 'I have never covered a president who actually wanted to go to war' - but she made it clear that Mr. Bush was the exception. And she was right.
    "Leading the nation wrongfully into war strikes at the heart of democracy. It would have been an unprecedented abuse of power even if the war hadn't turned into a military and moral quagmire. And we won't be able to get out of that quagmire until we face up to the reality of how we got in."
- Paul Krugman: The War President -

    "Experienced federal investigators, acting independently, have discovered a covert funding channel used by the 2000 and 2004 Bush-Cheney campaigns and the administrations of Jeb Bush in Florida and Bob Taft in Ohio to illegally funnel foreign and other questionable money into Republican coffers.
    "Ever since the brutal death of Florida Department of Transportation (FDOT) investigator Ray Lemme in July 2003, the focus of investigators in Florida and Georgia has been on the political scandal Lemme was uncovering. After his official investigation of contract fraud, money laundering, illegal immigration, and election fraud was shut down on orders of Jeb Bush, Lemme continued to investigate the use of FDOT to launder cash for the Bush brothers and their allies. Lemme's focus was on the use of the Florida Turnpike system to launder cash for the Jeb and George W. Bush campaigns. It was an investigation that would ultimately lead to Lemme's body being discovered in a motel room bathtub in Valdosta, Georgia. A two-state police cover-up of Lemme's death, threats directed at Florida and Georgia investigators, and a virtual media blackout indicates that the GOP administrations of Jeb Bush and Georgia's Sonny Perdue wanted the Lemme story to go away - and fast."
- Wayne Madsen: 'Cha Ching,' from to $$$: How the Bush Crime Syndicate funneled foreign cash into the U.S. political system -

   "What the Abramoff scandal is about at the core can be simply stated as: Vegas without rules. And what the politicians are arguing over is the biggest slush fund in the history of the world. Democrats don't want to eliminate it. They just want in on the action.
    "Who owns Florida's gambling boats? No one is certain. There is virtually no state or federal oversight. No one licenses the operators. No one ensures that the games aren't rigged. No one ensures that the boats aren't used to launder money. No one investigates whether organized crime is involved.
    "And while ex-felons cant vote in Florida - as many became aware during the memorable presidential election in 2000this disadvantage is more than offset, for some, by the fact that an ex-felon can run a gambling boat in the state with no fear at all of flunking the background check.
    "The reason? There is none."
- Vegas Without Rules -

    "The recent Supreme Court decision invalidating California's medical marijuana law has come under fire correctly from both the left and the right for undermining federalism. But observers have missed the real culprit in the court's flagging interest in balancing federal and state powers: the Bush administration.
    "Justices Clarence Thomas and Sandra Day O'Connor explained the problem in their dissents. Granting Congress the authority to regulate small amounts of marijuana grown in a backyard marijuana that is never sold and never crosses state lines makes a mockery of the efforts of the Constitution's framers to place limits on federal powers.
    "'If Congress can regulate this then it can regulate virtually anything,' wrote Thomas, 'and the federal government is no longer one of limited and enumerated powers.'
    "But why blame the Bush administration too? In the medical marijuana case, it was the Bush Justice Department that decided to defend use of the federal drug laws to suppress homegrown marijuana."
- John Yoo: What Became of Federalism? The Bush White House has been favoring Washington over the states. -

"Religion - n. What a guy tells another guy about some other guy who possesses supernatural powers, i.e., Moses, Jesus, Mohammad and Spiderman."
- Rack Jite -

"Mr. Chairman, the long war on Christianity in America continues today on the floor of the United States House of Representatives... But like a moth to a flame, Democrats can't help themselves when it comes to denigrating and demonizing Christians." 
- Indiana Republican Representative John Hostettler on the floor of the House, June 20, 2005 -

"When things are investigated, knowledge is extended. When knowledge is  extended, the will becomes sincere. When the will is sincere, the mind is correct.  When the mind is correct, the self is cultivated."
- Confucius -

    "[T]he president is now working off what clearly seems to be the Vietnam playbook - Lyndon Johnson's playbook circa 1967. Like Johnson, facing falling polling figures and calls for withdrawal, he is staging a series of major addresses to 'reassure' the American people (and shore up those polls). Just last Saturday in his radio address, he declared that there would be no cutting-and-running for him, no withdrawal option at all: 'This mission isn't easy,' he said, 'and it will not be accomplished overnight. We're fighting a ruthless enemy that relishes the killing of innocent men, women, and children. By making their stand in Iraq, the terrorists have made Iraq a vital test for the future security of our country and the free world. We will settle for nothing less than victory.'
    "Words to eat, of course.
    "As readers never hesitate to remind me, Iraq is not Vietnam - or, as Daniel Ellsberg put it sardonically, 'In Iraq, it's a dry heat. And the language that none of our troops or diplomats speak is Arabic rather than Vietnamese.' But the Vietnam experience is fused into American consciousness in such a way that the minute things start to go wrong, our leaders find themselves, almost helplessly, following that Vietnam playbook. So, as we enter the terrain of withdrawal, we should be thinking about Vietnam as well."
- Tom Engelhardt: Withdrawal on the agenda -

"In the 1930s, innovations in farm machinery would have caused an industrial revolution when applied to hemp. This single resource could have created millions of new jobs generating thousands of quality products. Hemp, if not made illegal, would have brought America out of the Great Depression."
- Doug Yurchey: The Marijuana Conspiracy - The Real Reason Hemp is Illegal -

"First things first, but not necessarily in that order."
- Joe Palmer -

"There was only one catch and that was Catch 22, which specified that a concern for one's safety in the face of dangers that were real and immediate was the process of a rational mind. Orr was crazy and could be grounded. All he had to do was ask, and as soon as he did, he would no longer be crazy and would have to fly more missions. Orr would be crazy to fly more missions and sane if he didn't, but if he was sane he had to fly them. If he flew them he was crazy and didn't have to; but if he didn't want to he was sane and had to."
- Joseph Heller: Catch 22 -

"Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."
- Groucho Marx -

"Everyone is entitled to my opinion."
- Gary O'Brien -

"Bodily exercise, when compulsory, does no harm to the body; but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion obtains no hold on the mind."
- Plato: The Republic, Book VII -

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I remembered who was telling me this."
- Emo Philips -

    "A person who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him.
    "A person who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child, teach him.
    "A person who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep, wake him.
    "A person who knows and knows that he knows is wise, follow him."
- Ancient Babylonian Aphorism -

"He who asks is a fool for five minutes, but he who does not ask remains a fool forever."
- Chinese proverb -

"What did you ask at school today?"
- Richard Feynman -

"If it isn't worth doing, it isn't worth doing right."
- Suslick's Scheme of Priorities -

    "Billy [Graham] is touted even by secular press as the man who has had the ear of American presidents. His friendship with presidents was no accident, but resulted from endless petitioning on his part and the part of his evangelical organization. After his blundered beginning with President Truman he endeared himself to President 'Ike' Eisenhower, patiently allowed himself to be used by Kennedy, then cemented his role as unofficial pastor or spiritual advisor to the White House with Johnson and Nixon. He kept that role through Clinton - nine presidents over a period of nearly 50 years. Certainly the presidents enjoyed the moral tone his friendship lent their presidency, just as certainly as Billy enjoyed the prestige gained from these friendships to help his crusades.
    "But at what price to Billy?
    "For he did pay a price. First, with those presidents who were open to his contribution he played politics. Although he insisted publicly he was out of politics he schemed political strategies, particularly with Nixon. Or he was used by presidents to swing opinions. At Johnson's request he visited Vietnam, then praised heroic efforts of American servicemen in a war they were 'certainly winning' although privately he believed they were not winning. For Reagan Billy lobbied several senators to vote for sale of planes to Saudi Arabia. Publicly in the 1980's he disdained political efforts by Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell as if he had never involved himself with politics.
    "The second price he paid was to shelve his moral judgment. Situations that cried out for lucid comments if not outright condemnations by a spiritual leader - Vietnam of Kennedy and Johnson, Watergate of Nixon, numerous sleazy escapades of Clinton - received the mildest of rebukes from Billy, rebukes often cloaked in obscure doubletalk worthy of any politician. This suspension of righteousness apparently was what he and his organization deemed necessary to maintain his close ties to the White House. In the 1990's his grown children took the roles of 'bad cops', condemning certain acts, so Billy could remain the 'good cop'."
- William Martin: A Prophet With Honor: The Billy Graham Story -

"It is very possible that the decision by the Supreme Court to allow our homes and business to be seized at any time for economic improvements, might be the one event that changes everything that we cherish in our nation. The word 'freedom' can no longer be associated with a nation that does not permit people to maintain possession of their assets, especially when it comes to their domain. With little fanfare and with one court ruling this America as we know it came to an end. Although this was discussed in the media it deserves a great deal more attention. What has to be discussed and explained to the people of this nation is the virtually unlimited potential for abuse left open by the ruling.  This decision was the legal justification for class warfare and it permitted money to be the only weapon. In other words only the rich can win. Where are the pundits with their mantras now? Go ahead and say it: 'Class Warfare!' And it was not launched by the left. Think about it!" 
- Jesse: Editor of TvNewsLIES.org -

    "The World Tribunal on Iraq is an undertaking of historic importance. It is the culmination of a process of tribunal sessions on the legal dimensions of the Iraq War that have been held in all parts of the world. This kind of spontaneous initiative of concerned people around the world has never taken place before. It represents an expression of what might be called moral globalization, acting on the belief that no state and no leader is above the law when it comes to matters of war and peace. And it expresses the overwhelming sentiments of peoples throughout the world that the Iraq War was against international law and morality. This initiative here in Istanbul has a quality of urgency as people are dying and suffering every day in Iraq as we speak. This is not an academic gathering of experts to find out the relevance of law. It is primarily an expression of popular democracy, of ethical conscience about what is right and wrong in world politics, and an expression of resistance to what is understood around the world as an American project to achieve world domination. The Iraq War is the eye of the storm at the moment. But the wider concern of the WTI is with Americas hegemonic global ambitions that is bringing danger, violence, and exploitation to many parts of the world at present.
   "The idea of a tribunal to judge legal responsibility of a state and its leaders for war is not new. After World War II the victorious governments convened tribunals at Nuremberg and Tokyo, and held the German and Japanese leaders responsible. The Nuremberg Judgment, a celebrated document, called aggressive war, that is, Crimes Against Peace, as the greatest of all crimes. The UN Charter has carried forward the idea that all wars that are not fought in self-defense or with the approval of the UN Security Council are illegal wars, and hence a Crime Against Peace. The WTI has been initiated by citizens of many countries who share the belief that the Iraq War is such an illegal war, and that the leaders of the USA and United Kingdom are individually and criminally responsible for its initiation and for the violations of the Law of War that have accompanied the occupation of Iraq."
- Richard Falk -

    "The DOJ recently issued a regulation, which goes into effect next week, updating the Child Protection and Obscenity Enforcement Act for the Internet age. This law, also simply known as 2257, after its number in the criminal code, requires adult businesses to keep detailed records proving that all the models they use are over the age of 18. Incidentally, these records will also contain the real names of performers, and often their addresses too.
   "To keep 'proper records' under the new version of 2257 (and avoid steep fines or jail time), you must maintain files that contain every single erotic image or film you've published, cross-indexed with age-verification papers for every single performer in them. These records must be kept for seven years. That's a hell of a lot of hard drive space if you run a porn site that posts streaming videos. It's also a logistical nightmare for any site that does reviews of adult movies or erotic material. Republishing an erotic image - even if you're doing it simply for the purposes of criticism - requires you to keep the same age-verification records as the people who created that image. The law also applies to any Web site that posts 'lascivious' images of naked people or people engaging in 'sexual activity.'
   "But wait - there's more. Any site affected by 2257 must also publish a physical address that serves as its 'place of business.' Someone must be available at that address 20 hours a week just in case a law enforcement officer wants to gain access to those 2257 records. This doesn't seem too onerous if you imagine a Penthouse.com or Vivid Video type of operation. But consider all the mom-and-pop adult Web sites run out of private residences, or Webcam girls who don't turn the cam off when they take someone to bed. These rules mean that your local Webcam girl and our friends over at sex blog Fleshbot.com must publish their physical addresses online, thus leaving performers and writers vulnerable to stalking and harassment. But hey, it's a great full-access wank pass for cops who can't afford to pay for really primo porn sites every month."
- Annalee Newitz: On File - The DOJ has wisely made the world safer by forcing anyone even remotely connected with publishing erotic images online to keep elaborate files on the true identities of everyone in said images for seven years. -

    "Luis Posada Carriles is a convicted international terrorist; yet the Bush Administration is protecting him and refusing to extradite him to Venezuela to stand trial for his crimes...
   "Posada was one of the organizers of the failed Bay of Pigs invasion of Cuba in 1961. He was employed by the CIA from approximately 1965 until 1974, after which he ran an international security company in Venezuela. Posada and several of his colleagues were responsible for the bombing of Cubana flight 455 on October 6, 1976 and were imprisoned in Venezuela.
   "After bribing his way out of prison in Venezuela in September 1985, Posada went directly to El Salvador to work on the illicit contra re-supply operations being run by Lt. Col. Oliver North. He has also been tied to the importation of large quantities of cocaine into the US in support of the Contras in Nicaragua in the 80's.
   "On November 17, 2000, a group of terrorists led by Posada Carriles was arrested in Panama. Posada and the other terrorists had entered Panama with false documents in order to assassinate Cuban President Fidel Castro during the 10th Ibero-American Summit of Heads of State and Government. (Political assassinations violate both US and international law.) Their weapons, explosives, a sketch of Fidel Castro's proposed route as well as an agenda of public meetings were seized. Posada was convicted and imprisoned in Panama. He was pardoned by Mireya Moscoso, the famously corrupt president of Panama, just before she left office in 2004.
    "The US Response The US government is shielding Posada from extradition to Venezuela and has merely detained him on immigration charges. He is currently in a detention center in Texas. But since immigration cases can take years, this action could amount to placing him in protective custody temporarily to avoid the chance that he will have to face imprisonment for his crimes."
- Terrorists Protect Their Own -

"The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
- Noelie Altito -

"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."
- Mitch Hedberg -

    "It is clear the insurgency, contrary to the Bush administration's view, is homegrown and is exacerbated by every week longer that the U.S. occupies Iraq. American troops are still dying daily and the security situation in Iraq is still a mess two years after Saddam's ouster.  It is also clear now that ousting Saddam wasn't the primary goal.
    "The Bush administration has steadfastly refused to tell Americans the real reasons for invading Iraq: having a permanent U.S. military presence in the heart of the Middle East that will allow U.S. forces to leave Saudi Arabia, gaining control over Iraqi oil reserves, privatizing the state-run Iraqi economy and, most of all, sending a message to other Arab nations that they, too, will be attacked if they fail to fall into line with U.S. policy.
    "All these goals were sought by the Bush administration long before the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, but few dared to talk openly about them. Instead, we were fed nonsense such as 'weapons of mass destruction,' 'fighting terrorism' and 'bringing democracy to Iraq.'
    "It's time to give up on the administration's real plan of turning Iraq into an oil-rich, pseudo-democracy under U.S. influence that serves as the forward base for U.S. forces fighting the Jihadis. Iraqis want to see a real government, not a bunch of American puppets, and they want a chance to decide their own political and economic destiny instead of having American corporations plunder their economy. They want electricity, a functioning water and sewer system, hospitals, schools and to simply be able to walk the streets of their cities without the threat of being killed."
- Ending the Farce -

"Now, my own suspicion is that the universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose. I have read and heard many attempts at a systematic account of it, from materialism and theosophy to the Christian system or that of Kant, and I have always felt that they were much too simple. I suspect that there are more things in heaven and earth that are dreamed of, or can be dreamed of, in any philosophy. That is the reason why I have no philosophy myself, and must be my excuse for dreaming."
- John Burden Sanderson Haldane: Possible Worlds and other Essays (1927) -

    "The guild representing Hollywood writers disclosed Monday that more than 75% of the scribes on TV reality shows have signed cards asking to be represented by the union. The campaign sets up a potential showdown with the companies behind such programs as Survivor, The Amazing Race and The Bachelor.
   "The Writers Guild of America, West, said about 1,000 reality TV writers, producers and editors out of an estimated 1,300 have requested since May 7 to join the union. Guild officials said they had sent letters to all the major production companies asking to negotiate, but none responded.
    "Organizing writers on reality TV shows brings to light what has been one of the proliferating genre's open secrets: that so-called unscripted shows often are scripted after all.
    "Behind the scenes of popular reality shows, writers craft game formats, coach contestants and feed lines to such stars as Paris Hilton in Fox's The Simple Life.
    "Writers also splice together comments to create story lines and manufacture drama. In industry parlance, it's an editing process known as 'Frankenbite.'
    "Because writers are deeply involved in the dozens of reality shows, union leaders argue, they should get similar pay and benefits as writers on conventional programs...
   "'People who tune into a reality show expect a beginning, middle and an end,' [David Rupel] said. 'We're storytellers, and we should get the same benefits.'"
- Richard Verrier: Reality Show Writers Seek Representation -

    "Republican dirty tricks are not confined to just me any more. I also saw that Congressman Jones made the news by calling for a withdrawal of our troops. Whatever one may think about the war, one should ask when the mission will be over and when the troops can come home. Are we going to stay indefinitely? While it is nice that we are building Iraq, what about America? And what about the cost? Why do the Americans have to foot the bill when we can ill afford it? These are all legitimate questions to ask. Congressman Jones did nothing more than make a proposal to start pulling out.
   "But it seems that the administration in Washington will brook no criticism of its policies. So it has sent out its dutiful attack dogs to shoot the messenger. What have we heard? That Walter Jones is a member of the lunatic fringe. That Walter Jones should resign. It's the same stuff that COPAM pulled on me, only this time its orchestrated by those in Washington instead of those in Raleigh.
   "What I find disturbing is that we are criticized for nothing more than the exercise of our Constitutional rights. Those who disagree with any aspect of the administration are branded as traitors and must be silenced. I thought the previous administration was bad because of the amorality. This is far worse.
   "There is a famous poem about the Nazis of Germany - first they came for one group, then another, but the writer did not speak up. And then they came for the writer and there was no one left to speak up. The administration is acting like the Nazis. I will not be quiet. I agree with Congressman Jones that we should ask the administration the tough questions and that we should begin to withdraw."
- Rachel Lea Hunter, a Republican and a [ex]candidate for Chief Justice -

    "Before the arrival of Spanish colonizers  some 500 years ago, Indians in what is now Ecuador dipped their arrowheads in venom extracted from the phantasmal poison frog to doom their victims to convulsive death, scientists believe.
    "More recently, epibatidine - the chemical which paralyzed and  killed the Indians' enemies - has been isolated to produce a pain killer 200 times more powerful than morphine, but without that drug's addictive and toxic side effects.
    "Pharmaceutical companies have not yet brought epibatidine to market  but hope to discover other chemicals with powerful properties in frogs, which are a traditional source of medicine and food for many of Ecuador's Indians.
    "They may want to hurry because the treasure trove of the world's  frogs and toads is disappearing at a catastrophic rate. And it's not just potential medicines which could be vanishing but creatures of beauty."
- Carlos Andrade: Extinction of frogs is catastrophic, scientists say -

    "Various pictures of Jennifer Aniston elicited a response in a single neuron inside the medial temporal lobe of another patient. Interestingly, images of her with her former husband Brad Pitt did not sway this cell, the authors of the paper report. Their findings appear this week in the journal Nature.
   "Quian Quiroga also found that a lone neuron in one subject responded selectively to various pictures of the actress Halle Berry - as well as drawings of her and her name written down. Other cells were found to respond to images of characters in The Simpsons or members of The Beatles.
    "The team thinks that these brain cells probably respond to a range of different items, but that this limited study didn't include all the various pictures that might make a particular cell light up."
- Roxanne Khamsi: Single brain cells show selective response to specific celebrity photos. Is a single cell in your brain devoted to Jennifer Aniston or Bill Clinton? Maybe so, according to new research. -

"A hero is a man who does what he can."
- Romain Rolland -

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father: prepare to die!"
- Inigo Montoya: The Princess Bride -

"Hello, my name is George W. Bush. You threatened to kill my father: prepare to die!"
- George W. Bush: The War in Iraq -

"Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules."
- Walter Sobchak: The Big Lebowski -

"Man, we ain't found shit!"
- Henchman: Spaceballs -

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee."
- Jules: Pulp Fiction -

"And now the whole nation - pulpit and all - will take up the war-cry, and shout itself hoarse, and mob any honest man who ventures to open his mouth; and presently such mouths will cease to open. Next the statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception." 
- Mark Twain -

"I don't care what the scoreboard says at the end of the game, in my book we're gonna be winners."
- Coach Norman Dale: Hoosiers -

"I know you're trying to help but believe me, my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought, and it's medical experiments for the lot of you."
- Monty Python's The Meaning of Life -

Everything Else

What's the best way to free a country after invading it? Build more prisons in it, of course.

The Downing Street Memos are the tip of a very large iceberg. Check out Greg Palast's Iraq Timeline.

The Arctic Beacon calls itself the last frontier of truth, which is, to quote John Travolta in Pulp Fiction talking about a drug dealer's boast about the quality of his heroin, "a mighty bold statement." Perhaps "one of the last frontiers of truth" might have sufficed.

You want to see a picture of a puppy with six legs and two penises, don't you? I thought so.

An interesting collection of quotes from The American Taliban.

Before you see the film, check out this incredibly beautiful illustrated version of War of the Worlds.

If Disinfotainment Today causes an erection that lasts more than three days, please contact your doctor.