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Swami Calls for an Up-Wising!
Wise Up, Everybody ...The Evolution Has Begun!
 
    For years now, we've been hearing "shift happens," and wondering when, where and how. Now finally, it looks as if the shift is about to hit the fan. This is good news for all those shift fans who've been wondering if the new age will arrive before old age does. Of course, if you're looking for signs in the news, you won't find them. At least, not yet. The news might as well be called the "olds," because the world still seems stuck in greedlock, ruled by fossilized fools fueled by fossil fuels. But I have been receiving encouraging intelligence reports that say indeed, humans are becoming more intelligent. Yes, people everywhere are wising up. And that's great, because we could sure use an up-wising!
    The evolution has begun. But before we see changes in the old needy-greedy, we humans must change our consciousness - and the first step is becoming conscious of how unconscious we've been. As the saying goes, the truth shall upset you free, and last year saw lots of disillusionment. But what better to free us from the far more dangerous condition of illusionment? If we want to stop the abuse of power, the first step is to disabuse ourselves. So, here's some good news: Despite a massive media impropaganda machine that feeds the public "babblum" (strained bullshit made digestible for a simple child's mind), more and more Americans are reading between the lyins' and peering behind the Irony Curtain.
    In 2005, Americans had to face the sad realization that the Bush Administration's "pro-life" stance appears to be limited to the unborn and the brain-dead. Despite being panned by critics everywhere, the Iraqi Horror Picture Show continued its run, as thousands and thousands of born fetuses - ours and theirs - lost their right to life. While we may or may not have saved face by staying there, we have most definitely lost ass. And we've been assured we'll be stuck in that morass until -- well, until there's no more ass to lose. Meanwhile, more and more Americans reached another sad conclusion: We're not in Iraq to keep the peace, we're there to keep the pieces.
    The signs of up-wising are everywhere. Even the most unpleasant stories are beginning to break through the soundless barrier and defy the President's "don't ask, don't tell" policy: "You promise not to ask us what we're doing, and we promise not to tell you." Although we've been inundated with "fear-gnomes" and ominously warned we have to protect ourselves in this dogma-eat-dogma world, a majority of Americans are no longer comfortable with the notion that the only way to defeat the "evil-doers" in the world is to out evil-do them. Although our President has assured us that "we don't torture," it is now common knowledge that we simply send detainees to countries that do torture when we want them to "testify under oaf."
    As for those progressives who've been whining that the President "never listens" to them, well it turns out he's been listening all along. And thanks to the so-called Patriot Act (which, I understand, is about to be renamed the Eternal Insecurity Act), it looks like he'll be able to listen in even more - all in the name of making us safe. But now even some Republicans are beginning to see that there's a difference between protection and the "protection racket." And with the recent revelations about Tom DeLay, Jack Abramoff and other gold collar criminals, some of the more devout conservatives have come to realize that the "family values" they voted for bear an uncanny resemblance to Soprano Family values.
    If there was any warm feeling in 2005, chalk it up to climate change. Katrina hit, and in the government's response we saw a future when at last all Americans will be equal - where everyone regardless of race or creed will be treated like Black folks.
 
Alarming Policies Have Awakened Millions!
 
    Fortunately this is the State of the Universe Address, and from a universal perspective, things are humming along quite nicely. It turns out that the Earth is the talk of the Universe these days. In fact, the odds-makers at the Intergalactic Enquirer say the odds are actually in our favor: "We're betting on the human race to reach critical mass before they get to critical massacre." And we could beat the odds, if we finally gave up our addiction to getting even and got odd instead. It stands to reason. If each of us used our unique oddness to improve the odds for everyone, there would be no need for getting even.
    Yes, the up-wising has begun, and intergalactic observers are saying that we have none other than George W. Bush to thank. How is that, you may ask? Well, I am reminded of a story my guru Harry Cohen Baba used to tell. A well-known minister died and arrived at the Pearly Gates at the same time as a cab-driver from New York. The cabbie was ushered in, but the clergyman was left waiting outside. After waiting and waiting and waiting, he finally called over the attending angel. "Excuse me, but I'm a renowned minister. How come you let that cab-driver in, and I'm left waiting out here?" "Well," the angel said, "when you preached, everyone slept. But when he drove, everyone prayed."
    For millennia, spiritual teachers have been calling on us to go for the highest common denominator, but we've always seemed to end up with the lowest common dominator instead. And now, George W. Bush has done what preachers, teachers and other far-sighted visionaries have failed to do up until now: His policies have been so alarming, that he has awakened a slumbering body politic that slept through all previous alarms. Where others have failed, he has people all across the world praying, "God help us!" And instead of waiting for an intervention from above - after all, we cannot expect to be fed intravenously forever - people are beginning to help themselves, and even more importantly, help each other.
    Sure, there are still plenty of Not-Sees out there who insist on not seeing that we humans are all in the same boat. The good news is, more and more Americans are getting that sinking feeling that there's only one Earthship, and ignoring a leak because it's "on the other side of the boat," is a mistake of titanic proportions.
 
We Are the Leaders We've Been Waiting For
 
    America, the world's only super-power, doesn't need a revolution. We've already had one, thank you. What is needed now - and what has already begun - is the American Evolution where enough of us wake up and see that those two political parties have been partying on our dime, and we the people haven't been invited. Time to go beyond choosing the lesser of two weasels. If we want to evolve the dream of our Founding Fathers - instead of devolve into the nightmare of Big Brother - we must become the leaders we've been waiting for. I've said it before. The only force more powerful than a super-power is a Super-Duper Power - the power of the people plus the power of love. And anyone who doesn't believe we are a Super-Duper Power, well they have been super-duped!
    It's true, many people still feel that the affairs of the world should be left to the bolder and badder among us. But look what that leaves us with: Are you satisfied choosing between Saddam Hussein and George Who's-Not-Sane? Now I know those "God, guns and guts" Old Testament Christians might have forgotten, but Jesus did say that the meek shall inherit the earth. In all undue immodesty, maybe it's time for us meek folks to boldly step forth and accept our inheritance.
    For just as 2000 years ago Jesus stood up to a class that placed the rule of gold above the Golden Rule, today we face the modern version of the Pharisees - the Phallusees, I think they are called. They cynically cloak themselves in religious robes, but the only power they trust is the power of the stick. Well, there's another old saying: It doesn't matter how big your stick is, if you stick your stick where it doesn't belong, you're stuck.
    Another sign of the up-wising and coming evolution is that people are growing dissatisfied with the positionality of "my side vs. your side," and are seeing the whole issue of sides from a new angle: Maybe we're all on the same side. For example, this argument between creationism and evolution is just another way for dueling dualities to steal our energy. I believe in both. I believe the Creator created us to evolve, otherwise Jesus would have said, "Now don't do a thing till I return." I have it on good authority that the Creator is pulling for us: "Come on, you children of God. Time to grow up and become adults of God instead."
 
Time to Overgrow the System From the Grassroots Up
 
    The time for revolution and overthrowing has past. Now we need an evolution where we "overgrow" the current dysfunctional system from the grassroots up. You are probably familiar with the story of the Native American grandfather who tells his grandson that there are two wolves fighting inside all of us: The wolf of fear and anger, and the wolf of love and peace.
    "Which wolf will win?" asks the young boy.
    "Whichever one we feed," replies the grandfather.
    And so when people ask me to predict what will happen, I tell them the only thing I can predict with certainty is the uncertainty of any prediction. The future's just too unpredictable these days. This is a Universe of infinite possibilities, so it all depends on which futures we invest in.
    There is something far more empowerful than predictions, and that is Tell-A-Vision. If you're fed up with the current programming, my advice is turn off your TV and tell a vision instead. That way, we will have healing and functional visions to step into - and that beats what we've been stepping into. So I will tell my vision for 2006: This is the year of the American Evolution, where all those who prefer the Golden Rule to the rule of gold get past left and right, and come front and center.
    I see Americans of all political stripes, plaids and polka dots (not to mention solids), choosing to face the music and dance together. Sure, we'll have to learn some new steps, but it's time for a new dance - A-Bun-Dance. That is where we get up off our assets, move our buns, and dance together in rhythm and flow. And what better way to turn the funk into function, and leave the junk at the junction?
    I see us in a new reality show - Extreme Planetary Makeover - where everyone can play and everyone can win. Just think. Something more compelling than reality TV ... it's called reality!
    I know, I know. Only a crazy person would dare to propose anything that sane. But maybe it's time to declare the current institutionalized insanity illegally insane, and set about building a sane asylum big enough for all six and a half billion of us. As my guru Harry Cohen Baba has said, "Life is like a good deli. Even if something isn't on the menu, if enough people order it they have to make it." So what kind of new world order are we ordering up? Do we feed the wolf of fear and buy into the "it's every man for himself" story? Or do we nourish the wolf of love and evolve into the "we're all in it together" story?
    If we're going to be a Super-Duper Power, we have to be super-duper powerful in activating the power of love, and cultivating the power of joy. So laugh more. Why not? We all know there's something funny going on. The wall of lies cannot withstand the vibration of laughter. All seriousness aside, only a farce field that combines truth and laughter can bring down the Irony Curtain once and for all.
    Release the old story - been there, done that - and speak the new story into the world. Dare to imagine what we could be doing if we weren't spending so much of our livelihood on weapons of deadlihood. Think about it .... think tanks where they think about something other than tanks. Young people living for their country instead of dying for it. Health and education fully funded, and the Air Force having to run a bake sale so they can buy a new bomber.
    Can we change the course of history? Can we shift our karma into surpassing gear? I cannot say for sure, but if we choose to give up that old Dodge and trade it in for an Evolvo, that's a good first step. So ... let the Evolution begin. We don't have to wait until the first Big Shot is fired. If we create a powerful enough field, the Big Shots will end up firing themselves.
    May the FARCE - as always - be with us.


FREEDOM AND WEEP
Posted September 4, 2006


Open links in new window
Lame Excuse
 
My big problem has always been an absolute focus upon creation to the detriment of marketing and sales. I would spend months writing a script or book, and instead of spending the next few months getting it into the hands of the right people, I'd spend it writing another script or book, which was much more fun, but infinitely less lucrative. Lately I've been paying less attention to the news and more attention to agents and producers and publishers and the wonderful world of blind submissions. Sending things to people who AREN'T on my mailing list, following up on every response, putting all efforts into doing something with what I've already done instead of creating anything new.
 
Which is why there haven't been many Disinfotainment Todays lately.
 
Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week
 
Dubya needs help removing various tumors, malignant growths, and vestigial organs from his governing body. It's your patriotic duty to play Operation.
 
Gallery of the Week
Surely there's a better way to traumatize your children
than to give them a Strange Doll.
 
Answers to the Last Stupid Question
 
How would you leave your personal mark somewhere within classic fiction past?
 
FACT IS JUST FICTION ON ACID.
- JD
 
Right after Jesus questioned the Lord at Gethsemane about having to be crucified, in the margins I would then insert a Scofieldized text relating: "Then Jesus realized, 'Oh shit, I just doubted my G_d!'"
- DanD
 
I'd have a three way with Tom Sawyer and Becky.
- Palantir
 
    From Great Expectations...
    it was after this, my first meeting with Estella, that I considered the possibility she was a bit of manipulative prick-tease. Hey! I thought having a love interest that's frustratingly doomed to failure will help develop me into more of a 3 dimensional character. I think Ill try chatting her up at every encounter, then leave with a feeling of depression and inadequacy, and compound this misery by failing to sleep with anyone else despite the fact I live in London. If nothing else, a bit of emotional content will make my memoirs slightly more interesting."
- Nick Kent
 
Urine stains on "Moby Dick" and/or "Ulysses".
- Dave Cogan
 
    from peter pan...
    Wendy: Why do you hate him so?
    peter: he "recently sought significant quantities of uranium from
- Dwight Burke
 
I'd slip in a XXX lesbian scene into The Crucible... why are kids still forced to read that? Is it THAT important a piece of literature/theatre?
- james and katherine allard
[Yes. Dramatizing the McCarthy Hearings as the Salem witch trials was a pretty damn cool thing for Arthur Miller to do, especially while they were actually happening. -MD]
 
    It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, but mostly the worst of the worst as I returned to my clean, well-lighted place in the east of Eden, just this side of paradise, reeking of jitterbug perfume from a night to remember.
    My digital wristwatch said the date was '1:9:84' but I wasn't fooled; the damned dingus had been broken since Osama was 'our man in Havana,' and it was no time for a remembrance of things past in any case.
    Picture this: I knew from the boob tube that the war lover Bush's brain was on the beach, beating the tin drum, and we're all in a row for a long day's journey into night, unless sense and sensibility prevail and fear strikes out at the ballot box come November.
    It looked like the last hurrah of the conservatives without conscience, since all the king's men seemed to be eyeless in Gaza and stumbling in disarray. Still, the Christian crusaders were awaiting some dune messiah to arise, so one couldn't afford a separate peace just now, whatever the odds for tomorrow.
    If only we had a Siddhartha or Gandhi to guide us against the armies of the night; if only we could find a way to stop them before they lead us to the slaughterhouse. Five minutes to midnight passed, or maybe it was a darkness at noon, and I heard the heavy tick of the clock on the wall -- catch 22: how do you oppose brute force without using brute force and return to the age of reason and the rights of man? Perhaps Abraham, Martin and John had the answer, but they're gone with the wind; perhaps that question was really the last temptation of Christ. I'm a man, a part of a thin blue line, a summer soldier, a sunshine patriot waiting for the crack-up, anticipating some answered prayers, or you might simply call it a twist in the tale or the turn of the screw.
    I sat, with the guns of August ringing in my ears, the lords of flat Bush ruling the jungle, waiting for Lefty to take a walk in the sun, trying to enter laughing at the human comedy, the infinite jest, of Rove's Frankenstein (the idiot) and Deadeye Dick as masters of the universe -- masters of deceit, more like -- and wincing at the notion that another winter of our discontent may be in the offing. The stand has been taken and the way of all flesh promises we will find a farewell to arms and the madness of King George by January and write 'The End' to the day of the jackal. Or else we will be typing notes from the underground until 2010 in this brave new world of cabbages as kings.
- RS Janes
 
I'd like to be in the Bible and every time those wackers said something stupid I could say "That's vicious crap, Leviticus!" or "bullshit, Matthew!" or "John, you fucking wanker, you wouldn't know God if She bit you on the ass!" Though, it might take some of the romance out of the book and it would be a bit longer....
- waldo
DanD had this to say about Bill Maher's proud proclamation that "I Love Being on the Side of My President."
    So, while having always implied that IT IS NOT OKAY for the Germans to have dispossessed and slaughtered European Jewry, Maher feels that it's just fine for the Zionists to steal somebody else's land for their nation, and since it's only the indigenous "raghead" population of Palestine they're stealing it from, all is morally okay.
    I take special offense to the line where Maher proclaims: " There was no entity of Arabs called 'Palestine' before Israel made the desert bloom." If you look at ANY pre-20th-Century map of the Middle-East, and it will show a region clearly labeled as "Palestine." You will find the name "Israel"" nowhere.
    As a matter of Biblical history, "Israel" was allegedly founded on land originally owned by the Philistines (hence, the historic Land of Palestine). It was founded as a HEBREW nation. Later, the Hebrew kingdom disintegrated and broke up as a conquered region into smaller client-states, and ceased to exist as a HEBREW kingdom. A time before its conquest by Babylon, the only "known" surviving tribe of the Hebrew state -- the tribe of Judah -- established the first Jewish state in apart of Palestine that they called Judah. It was also during this time that a Jewish king of that tribal breakaway kingdom of the long-defunct Hebrew empire "rediscovered" the Torah while cleaning out the shelves and closets of Solomon's Temple. Upon realizing what he had discovered, he then sought to tribally "reestablish" the Hebrew faith as the state religion of that then, predominately pagan, Jewish kingdom.
    Thus "Judaism" was born.
    Sitting next to and to the north of Judah was a more lawless region sometimes referred to as "Israel," where the Samaritans (or Semitic Hebrew descendants who were not Jewish) dominated the region. The Israel of that era actually practiced a PAGAN version of the discombobulated Hebrew faith. Quite a bit later, well after the Jews returned to Palestine after being freed from Babylon by an Iranian ancestor, the"Jewish" Wars broke out with Rome and all of Palestine was -- once again-- wholly depopulated of Jews.
    In 1948, for the first time in history, the non-Semitic Ashkenazi Zionists of Europe established the first "Jewish" state ever in Palestine to be mis-named "Israel."
    Also, how did these "new-age" Israelis (and NOT Israelites) "make the deserts of Zionland bloom?" Why, they simply started stealing by force of military arms the primary water resources of all their crime-state's surrounding "sandnigger" Semitic neighbors. The blooming flowers of"Israel" has been watered with the blood of Arabs, BOTH Christian AND Muslim. They've even leavened it a little bit with some "self-hating"Jewish heart wine.
    Bill Maher is an unapologetic shill for Zionland.
- DanD
And Larry Grobel mentions that...
I too was once visited by Timothy Leary. He came knocking on my door when my radio play of Truman Capote was going to first air on NPR. Bud Cort was there, and Carol Kane. Bud had invited him. But he didn't tell me, so it was a surprise to see him standing there with flowers no less.
 
Stupid Question of the Week
 
Stabbed through the heart by a stingray is a strangely appropriate way for Steve Irwin to go. What are some strangely appropriate ways for other celebrities to bite the big one?
 
Satan Doesn't Want You to Know
 
The black team on Treasure Hunters was the only team that didn't make it through the slave's escape route.
 





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  1. In the Line of Fire
  2. You can help end the war. Click here.
  3. The Difference Between Religion and Myth
  4. Getting High Down Under by Paul Krassner
  5. The Simpsons Episode from Hell
  6. Ice Cream Treat for Pedophiles by Paul Krassner
  7. Deluded Idiot of the Week: Linda Lightfoot - The E-Mail Forwarder
  8. Deluded Idiot of the Week: The Anonymous Anti-Immigration Shopper
  9. Boston Legal to the Rescue
  10. Cheney Bags his Limit
  11. The Corner of Irate and Insane or Have a little Danish with your hummus
  12. How I Would Re-Write the Constitution
  13. The Impossibles
  14. Meet an FBI Porn Squad Agent by Paul Krassner
  15. History Lesson from Hell - Frank Cavestani's Operation Last Patrol
  16. Create Your Own Pandemic and Media Scare! by Dana Ullman
  17. My New Years Resolution
  18. Fear and Laughing in Las Vegas by Paul Krassner
  19. Heavenly Times
  20. Professional Journalism, and not just a cheap attempt to get free Eagles tickets
  21. Personal Problems
  22. The Three Most Inappropriate Uses of the Presidential Seal
  23. 20 Articles I Never Finished Writing
  24. Lost In Translation: Iraqi CIA page translated into English
  25. Imagine There's No Jesus: Review of The God Who Wasn't There
  26. Harriet Miers: An Offer They Better Refuse
  27. There Goes the Son
  28. I Can't Believe I Hate the Whole Thing
  29. The Battle of New Orleans
  30. Bottom of the Birdcage Award for the Worst Newspaper in America
  31. Message from Art Kunkin about the new LA Free Press
  32. Christopher Walken Campaign Speech
  33. The Book of Job is a Crock
  34. Recognizing Rick
  35. The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Tim Ireland
  36. Guest Critic Michael Jackson reviews Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  37. Ten Theories of Who Did the London Bombings by Mr. Conspiracy
  38. Confidential PBS Report by R.S. Janes
  39. Open Letters to the Kansas School Board
  40. Greed Glitch in Human DNA Discovered
  41. What We Can Learn from Penguins by Michael Dare
  42. Al Franken for President by Paul Krassner
  43. Mobile Media Memory Dump by Michael Dare
  44. The Speech I Wasn't Allowed to Give by Michael Dare
  45. Going, Going, Gonzo by Michael Dare
  46. Pride and Paranoia by Paul Krassner
  47. Happy April 15
  48. Pope John Paul on Satan for a Day
  49. Johnny Cochran Meets Dr. Hip by Paul Krassner
  50. Terri Schiavo on Satan for a Day
  51. The End of Journalism by Paul Krassner
  52. My First Crisis of Conscience
  53. Spoiler Alert: Million Dollar Baby or Won't Get Food Again
  54. Gonzo Journalist of the Year Award
  55. Fear and Loathing at the Funeral Parlor by Michael Dare
  56. Blowing Deadlines by Paul Krassner
  57. Meaningless Rant and the subsequent discussion of gay marriage
  58. Fever Dream I and III by Michael Dare
  59. Rumpleforeskin Awards for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  60. Happy New Year, Planet Earth by Jim Channon
  61. Double Agent by Paul Krassner
  62. I Confess, I'm breaking two new laws by Michael Dare
  63. The Brain Monologues by Michael Dare
  64. Chilling Effects by Paul Krassner
  65. Memorial to David Jove
  66. The Rapture President by Paul Krassner
  67. A Government Fable
  68. Russ Meyer and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
  69. Mr. Metaphor on Stagecoaches
  70. A Kinder, Gentler Paper by Paul Krassner
  71. Little Guantanamo and the Republican Convention by Erin Starr
  72. Howl for Girlie Men by Paul Krassner
  73. The New Olympics
  74. The REAL My Pet Goat
  75. Republican Campaign Song by Michael Dare
  76. Defying Convention by Paul Krassner
  77. Zen Bastard: When Arnold Met Martha by Paul Krassner
  78. DVD of the Week: 911 In Plane Site
  79. "Urge Curt D. Pangracs to Quit His Job" Petition
  80. Meet the Norms by Michael Dare
  81. Zen Bastard: I Forgot What This Article is Called by Paul Krassner
  82. The Simpsons and the South Park Kids visit Abu Ghraib
  83. DVD of the Week: Orwell Rolls in His Grave
  84. Why I Won't Watch the Nick Berg Video
  85. The Destroyed Tapes of the Air Traffic Controllers on 9/11
  86. Zen Bastard: Deep Throats - Was Monica Lewinsky the 20th Hijacker? by Paul Krassner
  87. Letter to Mary Beckerman
  88. Four Zen Bastards by Paul Krassner
  89. Letter from Jack Cohen-Joppa of the U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu.
  90. Patrick Henry's "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" Speech
  91. Free Bumperstickers
  92. Nothing Bad About Rabbits
  93. Studio Script Notes on The Passion by Steve Martin
  94. In the Eyes of the Law, I'm a Criminal by Montel Williams and Lawrence Grobel
  95. Why I'm Not a Terrorist
  96. My Candidate: John Buchanan: Bush's GOP Challenger Detained by US Secret Service
  97. Republican Zen Bastard: Meet the Republican who will Challenge Bush by Paul Krassner
  98. Zen Bastard: Predictions for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  99. Making the Yoke Obsolete
  100. Good News/Bad News about Saddam's Capture
  101. Zen Bastard: Blowjobs, Ballet, Baggies - the parts left out of the Reagan movie by Paul Krassner
  102. Tips on Junk Calls by Ken Rubin
  103. The Worst Commercial on Television
  104. Marketing Ploys from Hell
  105. Zen Bastard: Threats Against the President by Paul Krassner
  106. The Bush/Nazi Connection: Journalist John Buchanan gets targeted
  107. Why Schwarzenegger Gropes
  108. Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press
  109. Me and Monty Python
  110. Special 9/11 "Don't Take My Word for It"
  111. Zen Bastard: Who's Need to Know? by Paul Krassner
  112. Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (An Other Triumph For George W. And You Cannot Prove Those Are My Baboon Noses So Stop Saying That!!)
  113. Mordechai Vanunu: The Prisoner of Zion by Mary La Rosa
  114. Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (I Am Not Fair and Balanced and I Am Not A Sissy For Having A George W. Bush Doll So Stop Saying That!!)
  115. Bob Hope's Last Monologue from Heaven by Lynette Sheffield
  116. Inside/Outside #1: The Riddicks vs. Judge Burrell by Billy Hayes
  117. The California Choice
  118. Creation Science Fair Proves God Exists by Tom Norris
  119. What Would Jesus Do About Cramps? by Nancy Cain
  120. Summer Reading or Harry Potter vs. What's-His-Face
  121. Scumbags of the Week - Letter to the RIAA
  122. Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah
  123. The Israeli Wall
  124. Dream Job or How Disinfotainment Today Almost Came Out in Print
  125. Celebrities vs. the United States Government
  126. Test of the National Homeland Reconciliation and Healing System
  127. The Still Missing Artifacts
  128. Why Bush is Nothing Like Hitler
  129. Tim Robbins' Speech to theNational Press Club
  130. Randy Newman's "Follow the Flag"
  131. How I would Re-Write the Bill of Rights by Satan
  132. I Didn't See the News Today, Oh Boy
  133. Global Voice by Jim Channon
  134. Daniel Ellsberg's Review of the Made-for-TV Movie The Pentagon Papers
  135. The Lemon Pledge of Allegiance
  136. U.S. Diplomat's Letter of Resignation
  137. Message from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
  138. Obfuscation of the Week: Who grows the most opium? We do.
  139. Urgent Plea for Assistance from George W. Bush
  140. How I Got the Rights to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
  141. Please Help the FBI Find These People
  142. The Adventures of Xarvon: Alien Investigator
  143. The Under-Reported Story of the Year - Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush
  144. Why I'm Optimistic About the Future by Paul Krassner
  145. Booze (A movie I'd like to see)
  146. Hope (after the election)
  147. The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu
  148. Special Halloween/Election Issue
  149. What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin?
  150. Forwarded E-mail from Satan
  151. A Letter from Tom Robbins
  152. Good Thing/Bad Thing - American Foreign Policy
  153. The Ultimate Politically Correct Flag and Pledge of Allegiance
  154. A Letter from Paul Krassner
  155. The History of Denials

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The Wrong Bus: A Novel by Michael Dare


     HARARE, Zimbabwe (04-04) After 20 mental patients disappeared from his bus, a driver replaced them with sane citizens and delivered them to a mental hospital.
    The unidentified bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from the capital city of Harare to Bulawayo Mental Hospital when he decided to stop for a few drinks at an illegal roadside liquor store. Upon his return he was shocked to discovered that all the mental patients had escaped.
    Desperate for a solution, the driver stopped at the next bus stop and offered free bus rides to several people. He then delivered them to the mental hospital, informing the staff they were easily excitable.
    It took the medical personnel three days to uncover the foul play. The real mental patients are still at large.
Chapter 1
The Inmates

     It was a good night to be insane. Pitch black, rain pouring heavily, lightning striking again and again, perfect for lighting up the old wooden sign outside the crumbling gray stone walls of "The Gainesville Asylum for the Insane," with the word "insane" crossed off in crayon and the words "mentally handicapped" scrawled nearby, and the words "mentally handicapped" crossed off in chalk with the words "perfectly normal" scribbled next to them. There must have been an insane cackle breaking the momentum of the storm as lightning struck again and again, barely illuminating a skeleton key opening an old lock on a dirty door, heavy with age, squeaking open with a rusty creak. Another insane cackle. Yep, the insane like nights like this. It takes them outside themselves, forcing them to ponder the outside world as it really is, a random series of powerful illuminations, rather than the inside world, which varies splendidly in the sparkling synapses of the cerebral cortex of each individual, sane or not.
The Critics Agree
 
Looks like it might be “REALLY GOOD”
- Publisher’s Discount Outlet
 
Not quite as “HILARIOUS” as I thought it was going to be
- New York Times
 
Falls far short of “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL”
- Joyce Carol Oates
 
Tries very hard to be “THE FUNNIEST BOOK YOU’LL EVER READ”
- Norman Mailer
 
“I WISH I’D THOUGHT OF IT” because if it had been written by me it would have been much better
- Dave Barry
 
When I stopped reading and turned on The Family Guy, “I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING”
- Carl Hiaasen
 
Almost achieves something “INCREDIBLY GREAT” but falls far short
- The Village Voice
 
The author obviously thinks he’s a “GENIUS”
- Psychiatry Today
 
If you want something “ENORMOUSLY ENTERTAINING” look elsewhere
- Books in Print
 
“INSPIRED” me to write a better book
- P.J. O’Roarke

It starts out fairly RATIONAL, but about halfway through you're bound to tell yourself "this is NUTS." A second later, you will nod as another voice in your head says "PRECISELY."
- Sigmund Freud

$20 for the quality paperback from Cafepress.
 
$10 for a PDF file directly to your mailbox, preferably with Paypal, or write me and tell me why you think you deserve a free copy.
 
"Art is like a border of flowers along the course of civilization."
- Lincolm Steffens -

"Artists lie to tell the truth. Politicians lie to hide it."
- V for Vendetta -

Acknowledgment

dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY consists of information from dozens of sources, cut up, thrown in the air, and recycled randomly. It is sent all over the place, so I apologize if you're seeing the same thing twice. If you see a joke, graphic, or news item that came from or through you, thanks, send more, and please accept the fact that much of dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY is unacknowledgeable, and if I sought permission from everyone whose bastardized material showed up here, I'd never get anything else done. Please note that I don't even put my own name on it. If you're still pissed off, hey, it's fair use.

Thanks,

morbid Leo Bese

DISINFOTAINMENT@EARTHLINK.NET

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