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Issue #197
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Captain Dare of the Starship Disinfotainment
 
There is surely a name for the psychological condition whereupon somebody who saw themselves portrayed by a certain actor finds themselves seeing a bit of themselves in each subsequent role played by that same actor, but I don't know what it is. Having sat through All the President's Men, Bob Woodward must occasionally see the Sundance Kid when he looks in the mirror. I imagine Richard Nixon seeing the Oliver Stone film about himself, finding himself identifying with the actor playing him, even seeing Anthony Hopkins every once in a while in the mirror, then watching Silence of the Lambs and going what the fuck? Nixon would forever find himself identifying with Hannibal Lector, which would explain Vietnam.

Lately I find it less and less possible to view anything without finding things in it that reflect actual occurrences in my life. Drug problems? Yep. Parenting problems? You betcha. Legal problems? Been there. Love problems? Done that. Kidnapping, betrayal, and death; Pets, perversion, and politics; Good deals, bad deals, and no deals; A voyage of discovery into an unknown land, an unlikely opportunity for heroics, and too many opportunities squandered; TV and film, books and music, photos and art. Sometimes it seems like everything out there is somehow about me, but Star Trek Enterprise in particular. There's no way I can't identify with the Captain. It's me. The last time I saw him he was doing what I did, fighting for custody of his son.

Scott Bakula played me in a cheesy CBS MOW called The Bachelor's Baby, so I find myself with the mystery syndrome, having absolutely no choice but to see myself in Captain Archer of the USS Enterprise. But I'm getting ahead of myself (and either way I come in first).

In the midst of avoiding UPN, I inadvertently found myself avoiding Star Trek Enterprise. Now that my local library has all four seasons on DVD I've got no excuse. I'm drowning myself in the future, following the hapless adventures of the very first human spaceship with a warp five drive, pre-prime directive (which states that there be no interference with the natural development of any primitive society), bopping across the universe, finding alien problems that all mysteriously mirror some current earth problem.

As a fully trained and qualified pontificating film critic of professional stature, here's where I'm supposed to compose the penultimate guide to each and every episode of Star Trek Enterprise, but fuck that. Too much work unless someone's paying me, and I've only finished viewing the first two seasons. There are several guides here. I will say this...
I'm glad to know there is a sect called "Vulcans without Logic" and hope someday to see them play football against the "Klingons without Anger Management Issues."

Turning Spock into a babe who occasionally takes off her clothes was a VERY good idea.

My favorite opening is in season one, episode four. Archer's taking a shower, giving everyone a fabulous glimpse of my manly physique, when the gravity drive shuts off. Archer finds himself in zero gravity, nakedly floating up from the shower stall while millions of glistening CGI goblets of water disperse about the bathroom. Yeah, I've felt like that.

I'd be derelict not to mention the theme song which sticks its fingers down your throat and dares you to vomit. The visuals behind the opening credits give a nice graphic history of flight, but they're accompanied by a hellish mirror of that terrible Aerosmith song in Armaggedon. It's the worst song I've ever heard. Composer Diane Warren needs her soul washed out with industrial strength schlock remover. Her song leaves a bad taste that lingers far past the credit sequence, permeating the show with a hideous stink. Luckily I only had to endure it once, during the pilot. Now I'm glad I didn't have to watch the show live when I couldn't have fast-forwarded past the steaming heap that opens every show.

They had some strange problems to solve in this prequel to the rest of the Star Trek series. It takes place before the tacky 60s show with its outdated technology. Among other things, modern cell phones are much higher tech than the original "communicators" used by Kirk and Spock, so they had to come up with strange hybrids, halfway between the 60s and the future, plausible explanations for why some technology got mysteriously dumbed down in 2200.
 
I'm pleased to report that Star Trek Enterprise continues to ask interesting questions, like is it possible to simply observe a situation without inadvertently affecting it and inevitably participating. Bakula plays a young man doing a job for which there is no particular role model. This is before the Shatner version. He's the very first commander of a starship with a simple mission, to explore new worlds, make first contact. To not only go but go boldly. Where? Where no one's gone before, obviously.
 
Sometimes it seems like his mission is to boldly go where every previous Star Trek has gone before. Star Trek Enterprise boldly adheres to the theory that the universe is large and you never know what you're going to run into. Captain Archer handles all situations so adroitly you can't help but wonder what he'd do if his starship came across a planet exactly like our own, with megalomaniac rulers playing a real-life game of Command and Conquer, a privileged few with everything, a massive population with nothing. Who would he stop to help? Surely he'd beam the Palestinians to their own private asteroid to call home. Maybe he'd spread some of that solar power around so everyone wouldn't use so much fossil fuel. We know he'd look with disdain upon any people attacking any other people, or alien species pitiful enough to try to get his weaponry to use against another alien species. He's loaded with weaponry but he's not a weapons salesman, which says something nice but probably wrong about the future. The real first human starship captain will probably have a display case of discount weapons of mass destruction, handy for dispatching Klingons and Vulcans alike with a delicate dose of CGI.

I'm very glad they allowed Captain Archer the one thing denied all other Captains of the Enterprise, character growth. Kirk and Picard remained pretty much the same people in every episode, but Archer is a very different person after season one. It would have been perfectly sensible to describe the hapless and sometimes goofy Archer of season one as a lightweight, enjoying himself just a little bit too much, but there was a plan. In the last episode of the season, he accidentally kills 30,000 people and ends up brooding in his cabin for an unhealthy amount of time. By the opening episode of season two, he finds he wasn't really to blame for the deaths, but he's a changed man, more cautious, more seasoned, more thoughtful, the playfulness offset by a healthy dose of gravitas. More than any other Captains of the Enterprise, he's a genuinely interesting character.

Thanks to Captain Archer and the marvel of his casting, now I'm Captain Dare of the Starship Disinfotainment, boldly writing what's never been written before, exploring new methods of syntax, making friends with alien images and translating them into English for the betterment of mankind, putting a face on the race of human being for the aliens who sit in judgment of our species. There are worse people than Captain Archer to identify with.

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FREEDOM AND WEEP
Posted November 27, 2006


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Unemployee of the Year
 
Something to Think About
 
If elephants had evolved as the dominant intelligent species on earth, the hit film of the summer would have been "Mice on a Plane."
 
Cheeseballs of the Week
 
    "For nearly 10 years, Lizz Gunnufsen e-mailed a Massachusetts-based software company asking about the domain name on its intranet, chesapeake.com. Gunnufsen, a coordinator in Chesapeake's public communications department, reminded the company every six months that the city was interested in the site. She had no money to offer, just good will from The City that Cares. 'I didn't really ever think we would get it,' she said.
    "Besides, the city didn't need the name. For the past six years, it has promoted cityofchesapeake.net as its primary site. It also maintains www.chesapeake.va.us. But some city employees wondered why Chesapeake didn't own the name that seemed a natural fit: chesapeake.com. 
    "Then Gunnufsen's work paid off. Big time. In fall 2005, the company, Aspen Technology, decided it no longer needed the site and gave the domain name to the city for nothing.
    "However, this summer, Chesapeake Energy Corp., a natural gas company, approached the city with an offer for the newly acquired domain. Negotiations ensued, and on Tuesday, the City Council voted to sell the name for $120,000 to Chesapeake Energy Corp."
 
Sophistimicated Doowacky of the Week
 
Do you sometimes want to save the videos you see at YouTube or Ifilm, or simply want to download them at your leisure, only to be frustrated by sites that prevent you from seeing the films any way but their way? KeepVid offers a solution. Simply paste in the address of a page with a video and KeepVid allows you to download it as an "flv" file. Simply get yourself a free program that plays FLVs and voila, you're on your way to a video collection on your own hard drive that you can watch any time.
 
Drowning in BBs
 
Check out this short video from Ben Cohen about the US nuclear arsenal.
 
Your Answers to the Last Stupid Question of the Week
 
The GOP could have stolen the entire election with their e-voting machines. They didn't. That can only mean what?
    Here's the top six possible theories of why the Dems won a majority in Congress Nov. 7th, in spite of GOP-owned computerized voting equipment with secret proprietary codes:
    1. Bush is expendable and the Republicans realize the fan is about to be hit by six years of his incompetent governance. Let the Dems take the blame for cleaning up Junior's mess and make a comeback in '08.
    2. They screwed up! One theory holds that the Rovians tried to steal it, but their incompetence and arrogant hubris has reached such a level that they botched the job completely.
    3. They tried to steal it but superior Dem hackers stopped them. Whenever the GOP tried to flip votes, Dem techies hacked in and flipped them back to reflect the actual vote totals.
    4. The GOP is split between Rove's Christian shock troops and classic libertarian conservatives. Without the support of the classic libertarian  conservatives, and enough of the Christians, Karl simply couldn't field sufficient numbers of Party Faithful to pull it off this time.
    5. Few wanted to risk jail in what would have been a massive vote fraud  scheme. This theory postulates that the amount of vote theft would have been  unprecedented and, with more eyes watching and the flaws of the voting machines well-documented, few Republicans wanted to chance ending up behind  bars to preserve the GOP majority or Rove's reputation. Besides, if exit  polls around the nation said the Dems were winning in a landslide, it'd be pretty hard to overcome that, particularly after the Ohio exit polls said Kerry won in 2004. The Ohio exit polls in 2004 were explained away as an anomaly; a nationwide exit poll 'anomaly' in 2006 just wouldn't wash.
    6. The Republicans, and especially Bush, wanted to cut off possible media investigations of vote fraud in the 2000, 2002 and 2004 elections. With the Dems in a majority in both chambers of Congress, it's unlikely they'll conduct any investigation of vote theft via GOP-controlled electronic voting systems (EVS), (Although they should.) After all, they won, so why gripe!  Without Dem complaints, it's less likely the mainstream media will launch any widespread probes, and Princeton University, Bev Harris, Avi Rubin, Harri Hursti and the others who have proven the EVS are easily hacked will be ignored. This also preserves the GOP EVS scam for 2008.
- RS Janes
 
There is only one political party - the politicians always win over ordinary people.
- Robin Zoellner
 
That Star Wars was filmed by Democrats.
- Fred Robinson
 
That they want someone to blame in 2008.
- JKingWriter
 
It doesn't matter. The House passes a Democratic bill and it goes to the Senate. The vote splits 50 Democrats/ 49 Republicans + 1 Independent (Lieberman) voting with the Republicans. The vote is a tie, the Vice President breaks the tie and the bill fails. Rinse, lather, repeat.
- mlesko
 
    With anti-neo-con investigations and indictments and general anti-Republican pooch-screwery going on in and beyond all Page dormitories, a ter-rist attack (that will be blamed on Iran) will devastate some American iconic location that is overpopulated with Democrats (go figure, it worked with the Anthrax)! Bush uses the self-aggrandizing authority of what he has already put in place and declares NATIONAL martial law. For CONTINUITY concerns regarding the global terr'a war, (what's left of) the future Democratically controlled Congress will NOT be allowed to swear in.
    By imperial EO, Bush will simply require (what's left) of the Current (Republican-dominated) Congress to continue serving in its rubber-stamp capacity. It will be to Bush's serendipitous advantage that most current Congresscritters taken out of action were Democrats serving in States with Republican Governors.
    Afterward, the coronation will not be televised.
- DanD
 
Rover began believing his own hype and figured he didn't need the electronic stimulation. I'll bet he tells himself he doesn't need that vibrator to give his wife an orgasm.
- mj
 
I was never good at proving math equations.
- Locke Milholland
 
They skeered the booshy twins might have to ride the Baghdad express.
- johnny iguanna
 
Stupid Question of the Week
 
 
Christmas Gift from Hell
Surely someone you know deserves a unicorn turd.
 
Satan Doesn't Want You To Know
 
    "'What foods have added mercury in them? None. But seafood has it naturally.' That brought a lot of letters saying I'm wrong about that, that mercury in seafood is quite obviously the result of burning coal in power plants. That mercury in fish is 'natural' is something I've read many times over the years, and a quick Google search brought me several references. Examples include this from Science Daily: 'People have assumed that the high mercury in fish must be from pollution,' says Francois Morel, Ph.D., a professor of geochemistry at Princeton University and an author of the study. 'We have about tripled the mercury in the atmosphere, and therefore it should be tripled in the ocean, right? But maybe mercury that occurs in fish is a natural thing, and it may have been there all along.'
    "Another example, from the University of California at Davis: 'The mercury in [tunas' and swordfishes' systems] must come from natural sources. For years, we have probably eaten tuna and swordfish with mercury levels above FDA's limit without harmful effects. Analysis of museum specimens of tuna caught from 1879 to 1909 reveal that they contain levels of mercury as high as those in fish being caught today. Scientists therefore conclude that mercury levels in tuna, and probably swordfish, have not changed in the past 100 years.'"
 
Don't Take My Word For It
 
    "In other words I am three. One man stands forever in the middle, unconcerned, unmoved, watching, waiting to be allowed to express what he sees to the other two. The second man is like a frightened animal that attacks for fear of being attacked. Then there's an over-loving gentle person who lets people into the uttermost sacred temple of his being and he'll take insults and be trusting and sign contracts without reading them and get talked down to working cheap or for nothing, and when he realizes what's been done to him he feels like killing and destroying everything around him including himself for being so stupid, but he can't, he goes back inside himself.
    "Which one is real?
    "They're all real. The man who watches and waits, the man who attacks because he's afraid, and the man who wants to trust love but retreats each time he finds himself betrayed. Mingus one, two, and three. Which is the image you want the world to see?"
- Charlie Mingus' Autobiography: Beneath the Underdog -
 
"A hero ventures forth from the world of common day into a region of supernatural wonder: fabulous forces are there encountered and a decisive victory is won: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons upon his fellow man."
- Joseph Campbell: the standard path of the mythological adventure of the hero, from The Hero with a Thousand Faces -
 
    "Tomorrow [November 27th, 2006] marks the day that we will have been in Iraq longer than we were in all of World War II.
    "That's right. We were able to defeat all of Nazi Germany, Mussolini, and the entire Japanese empire in LESS time than it's taken the world's only superpower to secure the road from the airport to downtown Baghdad.
    "And we haven't even done THAT. After 1,347 days, in the same time it took us to took us to sweep across North Africa, storm the beaches of Italy, conquer the South Pacific, and liberate all of Western Europe, we cannot, after over 3 and 1/2 years, even take over a single highway and protect ourselves from a homemade device of two tin cans placed in a pothole. No wonder the cab fare from the airport into Baghdad is now running around $35,000 for the 25-minute ride. And that doesn't even include a friggin' helmet.
    "Is this utter failure the fault of our troops? Hardly. That's because no amount of troops or choppers or democracy shot out of the barrel of a gun is ever going to 'win' the war in Iraq. It is a lost war, lost because it never had a right to be won, lost because it was started by men who have never been to war, men who hide behind others sent to fight and die."
 
"Many orthodox people speak as though it were the business of skeptics to disprove received dogmas rather than of dogmatists to prove them. This is, of course, a mistake. If I were to suggest that between the Earth and Mars there is a china teapot revolving about the sun in an elliptical orbit, nobody would be able to disprove my assertion provided I were careful to add that the teapot is too small to be revealed even by our most powerful telescopes. But if I were to go on to say that, since my assertion cannot be disproved, it is intolerable presumption on the part of human reason to doubt it, I should rightly be thought to be talking nonsense."
- Bertrand Russell -
 
"Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace."
- Oscar Wilde -
 
    "The Church of England has broken with tradition dogma by calling for doctors to be allowed to let sick newborn babies die. 
    "Christians have long argued that life should preserved at all costs - but a bishop representing the national church has now sparked controversy by arguing that there are occasions when it is compassionate to leave a severely disabled child to die. 
    "And the Bishop of Southwark, Tom Butler, who is the vice chair of the Church of England's Mission and Public Affairs Council, has also argued that the high financial cost of keeping desperately ill babies alive should be a factor in life or death decisions."
 
    "Resting on a hospital bed beneath a tie-dyed wall hanging, Pamela Sakuda felt a tingling sensation. Then bright colors started shimmering in her head.
    "She had been depressed since being diagnosed with colon cancer two years earlier, but as the experimental drug took hold, she felt the sadness sweep away from her, leaving in its wake an overpowering sense of connection to loved ones, followed by an inner calm.
    "'It was like an epiphany,' said Sakuda, 59, recalling the 2005 drug treatment.
    "Sakuda, a Long Beach software developer, was under the influence of the hallucinogen psilocybin, which she took during a UCLA study exploring the therapeutic effects of the active compound in 'magic' mushrooms. Although illegal for general use, the drug has been approved for medical experiments such as this one.
    "Scientists suspect the hallucinogen, whose use dates back to ancient Mexico, may have properties that could improve treatments for some psychological conditions and forms of physical pain.
    "Long dismissed as medically useless, the banned mushrooms a staple of the psychedelic 1960s are taking a long, strange trip back to the lab.
    "The medical journal Neurology in June reported on more than 20 cases in which mushroom ingestion prevented or stopped cluster headaches, a rare neurological disorder, more reliably than prescription pharmaceuticals.
    "In July, researchers at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore reported that mushrooms could instill a sense of spirituality and connection, a finding that scientists said could lead to treatments for patients suffering from mental anguish or addiction.
    "The research has been driven in part by the success of mood-altering pharmaceuticals, such as the antidepressant Prozac, which work on the same brain chemicals and pathways."
 
    "It is, of course, taboo to criticize a persons religious beliefs. The problem, however, is that much of what people believe in the name of religion is intrinsically divisive, unreasonable, and incompatible with genuine morality. The truth is that the only rational basis for morality is a concern for the happiness and suffering of other conscious beings. This emphasis on the happiness and suffering of others explains why we don't have moral obligations toward rocks. It also explains why (generally speaking) people deserve greater moral concern than animals, and why certain animals concern us more than others. If we show more sensitivity to the experience of chimpanzees than to the experience of crickets, we do so because there is a relationship between the size and complexity of a creature's brain and its experience of the world.
    "Unfortunately, religion tends to separate questions of morality from the living reality of human and animal suffering. Consequently, religious people often devote immense energy to so-called 'moral questions' - such as gay marriage - where no real suffering is at issue, and they will inflict terrible suffering in the service of their religious beliefs.
    "Consider the suffering of the millions of unfortunate people who happen to live in sub-Saharan Africa. The wars in this part of the world are interminable. AIDS is epidemic there, killing around 3 million people each year. It is almost impossible to exaggerate how bad your luck is if you are born today in a country like Sudan. The question is, how does religion affect this problem?
    "Many pious Christians go to countries like Sudan to help alleviate human suffering, and such behavior is regularly put forward as a defense of Christianity. But in this case, religion gives people bad reasons for acting morally, where good reasons are actually available. We don't have to believe that a deity wrote one of our books, or that Jesus was born of a virgin, to be moved to help people in need. In those same desperate places, one finds secular volunteers working with organizations like Doctors Without Borders and helping people for secular reasons. Helping people purely out of concern for their happiness and suffering seems rather more noble than helping them because you think the Creator of the universe wants you to do it, will reward you for doing it, or will punish you for not doing it."
 
"Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore."
- Ogden Nash -

"I'm thirty years old, but I read at the thirty-four-year-old level."
- Dana Carvey -
 
"There are few things funnier than watching a TV news reporter interviewing a prostitute with an air of moral superiority."
- The Quotalizer -
 
"Sex offenders are not petty criminals. They prey on our children like animals and will continue to do it unless stopped. We have a moral responsibility to do everything in our power to protect our kids from these animals."
 
"American exceptionalism is the overripe idea that we can do to others that which would be unacceptable if done to us using the rationale that we're more moral than other nations and our motives are always pure. This self-righteous balderdash is the underpinning of Bush's diplomatic efforts with the world, and that's why they are doomed to fail."
- Arris Jaye -
 
"For the past three and a half years I have watched in horror the mirror image of another Vietnam unfolding in Iraq. As of this writing over 2,700 Americans have died and nearly 20,000 have been wounded while tens of thousands of innocent Iraqi civilians, many of them women and children, have been killed. Refusing to learn from the lessons of Vietnam, our government continues to pursue a policy of deception, distortion, manipulation and denial, doing everything it can to hide from the American people its true intentions in Iraq. Sadly, the 'War on Terror' has become a war of terror. Never before has this government through its outrageous provocations and violent aggressions placed the citizens of this country in such grave danger. Never have the people of this country been so threatened, never before has life and liberty been in such great peril; not in the two hundred and thirty years since our revolution have we as a people and a nation been at such a crucial turning point."
 
"My friends, have you noticed that the hours of daylight have gotten shorter every day since the Democrats were voted a majority in Congress? Mark my words: before January of 2007 we'll experience one of the shortest days of the year! It's God's judgment on America for embracing the liberal Democrat homosexual baby-killing agenda!"
- P. R. -
 
    "A first-ever museum display, 'Against Nature?,' which opened last month at the University of Oslo's Natural History Museum in Norway, presents 51 species of animals exhibiting homosexuality. 
    "'Homosexuality has been observed in more than 1,500 species, and the phenomenon has been well described for 500 of them,' said Petter Bockman, project coordinator of the exhibition. 
    "The idea, however, is rarely discussed in the scientific community and is often dismissed as unnatural because it doesn't appear to benefit the larger cause of species continuation. 
    "'I think to some extent people don't think it's important because we went through all this time period in sociobiology where everything had to be tied to reproduction and reproductive success,' said Linda Wolfe, who heads the Department of Anthropology at East Carolina University. 'If it doesn't have [something to do] with reproduction it's not important.'
    "However, species continuation may not always be the ultimate goal, as many animals, including humans, engage in sexual activities more than is necessary for reproduction. 
    "'You can make up all kinds of stories: Oh it's for dominance, it's for this, it's for that, but when it comes down to the bottom I think it's just for sexual pleasure,' Wolfe told LiveScience."
 
"Take the utmost trouble to find the right thing to say, and then say it with the utmost levity."
- George Bernard Shaw -
 
"It is not worth an intelligent man's time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that."
- G. H. Hardy -
 
"It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper."
- Rod Serling -
 
"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck."
- George Carlin -
 
"The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution."
- Hannah Arendt -

"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices."
- William James -

"The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it."
- Terry Pratchett -
 
"We should be taught not to wait for inspiration to start a thing. Action always generates inspiration. Inspiration seldom generates action."
- Frank Tibolt -
 
"Professor Toynbee uses the terms 'detachment' and 'transfiguration' to describe the crisis by which the higher spiritual dimension is attained that makes possible the resumption of the work of creation. The first step, detachment or withdrawal, consists in a radical transfer of emphasis from the external to the internal world, macro- to microcosm, a retreat from the desperations of the waste land to the peace of the everlasting realm that is within. But this realm, as we know from psychoanalysis, is precisely the infantile unconscious. It is the realm that we enter in sleep. We carry it within ourselves forever. All the ogres and secret helpers of our nursery are there, all the magic of childhood. And more important, all the life-potentialities that we never managed to bring to adult realization, those other portions of ourself, are there; for such golden seeds do not die. If only a portion of that lost totality could be dredged up into the light of day, we should experience a marvelous expansion of our powers, a vivid renewal of life. We should tower in stature. Moreover, if we could dredge up something forgotten not only by ourselves but by our whole generation of our entire civilization, we should become indeed the boon-bringer, the culture hero of the day - a personage of not only local but world historical moment. In a word, the first work of the hero is to retreat from the world scene of secondary effects to those causal zones of the psyche where the difficulties really reside, and there to clarify the difficulties, eradicate them in his own case (i.e. give battle to the nursery demons of his local culture) and break through to the undistorted, direct experience and assimilation of what C. G. Jung has called 'the archetypal images.' This is the process known to Hindu and Buddhist philosophy as viveka, 'discrimination.'"
- Joseph Campbell: The Hero with a Thousand Faces -
 
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language."
- Buck Henry -
 
"No."
- Amy Carter (President Jimmy Carter's daughter) when asked by a reporter if she had any message for the children of America -
 
"Against logic there is no armor like ignorance."
- Laurence J. Peter -
 
"In the part of this universe that we know there is great injustice, and often the good suffer, and often the wicked prosper, and one hardly knows which of those is the more annoying."
- Bertrand Russell -
 
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science."
- Gary Zukav: The Dancing Wu Li Masters -
 
"I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
- Noel Coward -
 
"There is no fire like greed and no crime like hatred. There is no sorrow like being bound to this world; there is no happiness like freedom."
- Dhammapada -

 





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  1. The Parts Left Out of Borat by Paul Krassner
  2. Searching for Nisa Paris Dare
  3. Mid-Term Election Guide
  4. Interview with Robert Anton Wilson
  5. The Real Threat of Global Warming
  6. Swami Beyondananda Calls for an Upwising
  7. In the Line of Fire
  8. You can help end the war. Click here.
  9. The Difference Between Religion and Myth
  10. Getting High Down Under by Paul Krassner
  11. The Simpsons Episode from Hell
  12. Ice Cream Treat for Pedophiles by Paul Krassner
  13. Deluded Idiot of the Week: Linda Lightfoot - The E-Mail Forwarder
  14. Deluded Idiot of the Week: The Anonymous Anti-Immigration Shopper
  15. Boston Legal to the Rescue
  16. Cheney Bags his Limit
  17. The Corner of Irate and Insane or Have a little Danish with your hummus
  18. How I Would Re-Write the Constitution
  19. The Impossibles
  20. Meet an FBI Porn Squad Agent by Paul Krassner
  21. History Lesson from Hell - Frank Cavestani's Operation Last Patrol
  22. Create Your Own Pandemic and Media Scare! by Dana Ullman
  23. My New Years Resolution
  24. Fear and Laughing in Las Vegas by Paul Krassner
  25. Heavenly Times
  26. Professional Journalism, and not just a cheap attempt to get free Eagles tickets
  27. Personal Problems
  28. The Three Most Inappropriate Uses of the Presidential Seal
  29. 20 Articles I Never Finished Writing
  30. Lost In Translation: Iraqi CIA page translated into English
  31. Imagine There's No Jesus: Review of The God Who Wasn't There
  32. Harriet Miers: An Offer They Better Refuse
  33. There Goes the Son
  34. I Can't Believe I Hate the Whole Thing
  35. The Battle of New Orleans
  36. Bottom of the Birdcage Award for the Worst Newspaper in America
  37. Message from Art Kunkin about the new LA Free Press
  38. Christopher Walken Campaign Speech
  39. The Book of Job is a Crock
  40. Recognizing Rick
  41. The Boy Who Cried Wolf by Tim Ireland
  42. Guest Critic Michael Jackson reviews Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
  43. Ten Theories of Who Did the London Bombings by Mr. Conspiracy
  44. Confidential PBS Report by R.S. Janes
  45. Open Letters to the Kansas School Board
  46. Greed Glitch in Human DNA Discovered
  47. What We Can Learn from Penguins by Michael Dare
  48. Al Franken for President by Paul Krassner
  49. Mobile Media Memory Dump by Michael Dare
  50. The Speech I Wasn't Allowed to Give by Michael Dare
  51. Going, Going, Gonzo by Michael Dare
  52. Pride and Paranoia by Paul Krassner
  53. Happy April 15
  54. Pope John Paul on Satan for a Day
  55. Johnny Cochran Meets Dr. Hip by Paul Krassner
  56. Terri Schiavo on Satan for a Day
  57. The End of Journalism by Paul Krassner
  58. My First Crisis of Conscience
  59. Spoiler Alert: Million Dollar Baby or Won't Get Food Again
  60. Gonzo Journalist of the Year Award
  61. Fear and Loathing at the Funeral Parlor by Michael Dare
  62. Blowing Deadlines by Paul Krassner
  63. Meaningless Rant and the subsequent discussion of gay marriage
  64. Fever Dream I and III by Michael Dare
  65. Rumpleforeskin Awards for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  66. Happy New Year, Planet Earth by Jim Channon
  67. Double Agent by Paul Krassner
  68. I Confess, I'm breaking two new laws by Michael Dare
  69. The Brain Monologues by Michael Dare
  70. Chilling Effects by Paul Krassner
  71. Memorial to David Jove
  72. The Rapture President by Paul Krassner
  73. A Government Fable
  74. Russ Meyer and Beyond the Valley of the Dolls
  75. Mr. Metaphor on Stagecoaches
  76. A Kinder, Gentler Paper by Paul Krassner
  77. Little Guantanamo and the Republican Convention by Erin Starr
  78. Howl for Girlie Men by Paul Krassner
  79. The New Olympics
  80. The REAL My Pet Goat
  81. Republican Campaign Song by Michael Dare
  82. Defying Convention by Paul Krassner
  83. Zen Bastard: When Arnold Met Martha by Paul Krassner
  84. DVD of the Week: 911 In Plane Site
  85. "Urge Curt D. Pangracs to Quit His Job" Petition
  86. Meet the Norms by Michael Dare
  87. Zen Bastard: I Forgot What This Article is Called by Paul Krassner
  88. The Simpsons and the South Park Kids visit Abu Ghraib
  89. DVD of the Week: Orwell Rolls in His Grave
  90. Why I Won't Watch the Nick Berg Video
  91. The Destroyed Tapes of the Air Traffic Controllers on 9/11
  92. Zen Bastard: Deep Throats - Was Monica Lewinsky the 20th Hijacker? by Paul Krassner
  93. Letter to Mary Beckerman
  94. Four Zen Bastards by Paul Krassner
  95. Letter from Jack Cohen-Joppa of the U.S. Campaign to Free Mordechai Vanunu.
  96. Patrick Henry's "Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death" Speech
  97. Free Bumperstickers
  98. Nothing Bad About Rabbits
  99. Studio Script Notes on The Passion by Steve Martin
  100. In the Eyes of the Law, I'm a Criminal by Montel Williams and Lawrence Grobel
  101. Why I'm Not a Terrorist
  102. My Candidate: John Buchanan: Bush's GOP Challenger Detained by US Secret Service
  103. Republican Zen Bastard: Meet the Republican who will Challenge Bush by Paul Krassner
  104. Zen Bastard: Predictions for 2004 by Paul Krassner
  105. Making the Yoke Obsolete
  106. Good News/Bad News about Saddam's Capture
  107. Zen Bastard: Blowjobs, Ballet, Baggies - the parts left out of the Reagan movie by Paul Krassner
  108. Tips on Junk Calls by Ken Rubin
  109. The Worst Commercial on Television
  110. Marketing Ploys from Hell
  111. Zen Bastard: Threats Against the President by Paul Krassner
  112. The Bush/Nazi Connection: Journalist John Buchanan gets targeted
  113. Why Schwarzenegger Gropes
  114. Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press
  115. Me and Monty Python
  116. Special 9/11 "Don't Take My Word for It"
  117. Zen Bastard: Who's Need to Know? by Paul Krassner
  118. Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (An Other Triumph For George W. And You Cannot Prove Those Are My Baboon Noses So Stop Saying That!!)
  119. Mordechai Vanunu: The Prisoner of Zion by Mary La Rosa
  120. Equal Time with Bob Boudelang, Angry American Patriot (I Am Not Fair and Balanced and I Am Not A Sissy For Having A George W. Bush Doll So Stop Saying That!!)
  121. Bob Hope's Last Monologue from Heaven by Lynette Sheffield
  122. Inside/Outside #1: The Riddicks vs. Judge Burrell by Billy Hayes
  123. The California Choice
  124. Creation Science Fair Proves God Exists by Tom Norris
  125. What Would Jesus Do About Cramps? by Nancy Cain
  126. Summer Reading or Harry Potter vs. What's-His-Face
  127. Scumbags of the Week - Letter to the RIAA
  128. Hello Mullah, Hello Fatwah
  129. The Israeli Wall
  130. Dream Job or How Disinfotainment Today Almost Came Out in Print
  131. Celebrities vs. the United States Government
  132. Test of the National Homeland Reconciliation and Healing System
  133. The Still Missing Artifacts
  134. Why Bush is Nothing Like Hitler
  135. Tim Robbins' Speech to theNational Press Club
  136. Randy Newman's "Follow the Flag"
  137. How I would Re-Write the Bill of Rights by Satan
  138. I Didn't See the News Today, Oh Boy
  139. Global Voice by Jim Channon
  140. Daniel Ellsberg's Review of the Made-for-TV Movie The Pentagon Papers
  141. The Lemon Pledge of Allegiance
  142. U.S. Diplomat's Letter of Resignation
  143. Message from Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
  144. Obfuscation of the Week: Who grows the most opium? We do.
  145. Urgent Plea for Assistance from George W. Bush
  146. How I Got the Rights to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
  147. Please Help the FBI Find These People
  148. The Adventures of Xarvon: Alien Investigator
  149. The Under-Reported Story of the Year - Margie Schoedinger vs. George W. Bush
  150. Why I'm Optimistic About the Future by Paul Krassner
  151. Booze (A movie I'd like to see)
  152. Hope (after the election)
  153. The Empty Boat by Chuang Tzu
  154. Special Halloween/Election Issue
  155. What's Wrong with Leonard Maltin?
  156. Forwarded E-mail from Satan
  157. A Letter from Tom Robbins
  158. Good Thing/Bad Thing - American Foreign Policy
  159. The Ultimate Politically Correct Flag and Pledge of Allegiance
  160. A Letter from Paul Krassner
  161. The History of Denials

Don't Let This Happen to You

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Iraq Body Count

Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Freemasons - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Skull and Bones - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Carlyle Group - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Illuminati - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Satan - satan@whitehouse.gov
Contact both houses of Congress - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Supreme Court - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Dick Cheney - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Halliburton - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Bechtel - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein - tightywhities@whitehouse.gov
Contact Osama bin Laden - deepthroat@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Fidel Castro - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the new Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the old Pope - thirdlevel@hellfireanddamnation.com
Contact God - president@whitehouse.gov

Am I supposed to believe you don't drink coffee?
You need a Disinfotainment Today mug.


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The Wrong Bus: A Novel by Michael Dare


     HARARE, Zimbabwe (04-04) After 20 mental patients disappeared from his bus, a driver replaced them with sane citizens and delivered them to a mental hospital.
    The unidentified bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from the capital city of Harare to Bulawayo Mental Hospital when he decided to stop for a few drinks at an illegal roadside liquor store. Upon his return he was shocked to discovered that all the mental patients had escaped.
    Desperate for a solution, the driver stopped at the next bus stop and offered free bus rides to several people. He then delivered them to the mental hospital, informing the staff they were easily excitable.
    It took the medical personnel three days to uncover the foul play. The real mental patients are still at large.<