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Posted January 1, 2007 by Michael Dare
CHAPTER
ONE: Genesis
Willy wondered what went wrong. It wasn't
supposed to turn out like this, hanging from the end of a rope in a
foreign land, but them's the breaks in Willy's world, where realities
collide and misfortune smiles upon all, rich or small, poor or large, a
gathering of rainbows with pots full of retribution. Who'da guessed it?
Not Willy. Once the sad and mysterious progression of Willy's life was
set on its domino way, it couldn't be stopped, not by Willy, not by
anyone in his life, not by any other slice of chance, and certainly not
by me, the humble one, blessed by God to tell Willy's story in his own
words. As Willy's stenographer, you can take my word, and the word of
Willy, as the word of the all mighty, and not just because I say so.
Willy was clearly as blessed as Moses, as self-sacrificing as Dionysus,
as holy as Jesus and Muhammad, not to mention as all wet as Poseidon,
and nothing will relinquish me from the sacred duty of getting it all
down because, hey, if not me, who?
Do you start a story like Willy's from
the front or from the back? Get your mind out of the gutter. How about
the middle? Nope. You start with the rope. Willy was hung today and hoo
boy did he deserve it. Nobody deserved to be hung more than Willy,
unless mammals who claim the exclusive rights to the word
"civilization" aren't supposed to hang each other, in which case you
deserve to be hung as much as Willy, or so says Willy. This is him
talking, not me. I just sat there and listened. Boy, could Willy talk,
on and on and on and on about absolutely everything and it's really too
bad there wasn't a tape recorder or video camera there to capture the
whole thing instead of your having to rely upon my savagely buffed
capacity for recapitulation, untarnished by untruths of any manner, big
or beige, smelly or small. You can take it from me and you shall.
But back to Willy, who's been dangling
from a rope since the first paragraph. We don't even know if he
survived the hanging until we see the autopsy photos so don't get your
panties in a tangle without mailing them to me first. If I were to make
a list of all the things we don't know about Willy, print up a thousand
copies of it, dress in my finest clothes, go downtown and distribute
them to hapless passersby, they would look at me much like you're
looking at me, like get on with it, buddy, I've got better things to do
than listen to your incoherent recitation of the holy words of the most
righteous Willy, hallowed be his moniker, the sacred spot between the
anterior and posterior, taints be praised.
Let me hear you say W, the big W, the
sacred W, hallowed be its double-U-liness. Can you give me an I, a
sacred I, your full attention, however U define yourself, hapless
mammal or fortunate protoplasm with a lifelong scholarship from the
haberdasher of hard knocks, powerful or powerfuller, now or never and
then or there? Do I have the whole U, that is to say I, I know it's
confusing, but if we change the I in Willy to a U, you get Wully, which
is just silly, just take Willy's word for it, the I in Willy stands for
U, which stands for You, the person saying I while receiving the world
of Willy through the grand dignity of my exalted translation. Do I see
an L coming? You bet I do. Some say the double L in Willy's name stands
for Living Large. They should be hung. Larry Ladvert has written me
thousands of letters claiming the double L stands for Larry Ladvert. A
word here about Larry. Don't listen to him. Larry's a dumbbell with a
double R and a double B, AND a double L, go ahead, run to your
dictionaries. I'm certainly not going to tell you.
The last letter in Willy's name is his
most powerful statement. W. I mean Y. As in why. Why Y? Why not Y. Why
anything? Why am I writing this and why are you reading it? Why do
results so often differ from initial prognosis? Why is there air and
why did they cancel Cosby? Why do some people think they're better than
other people and why don't those other people do something about it?
Why is there corn in everything and why do the innocent suffer? Why did
I say that and why am I saying this? Why is the TV on and why has the
music stopped?
Why? You want to know why the Y in Willy
stands for why, which begins with a W? Neither do I.
Why did you stub your toe and why is that
helicopter circling your house? Why did Gerald Ford serve on the Warren
Commission and why didn't anyone mention it at his funeral? Why do the
dead stay dead while the living play
dead? What was wrong with that sentence and what's wrong with this one?
Why don't you love me and why don't they love you? Why don't
conservatives conserve and why don't liberals liberate? Why didn't Van
Gogh sell a single painting and why can't you lose that weight? Why
bother and why not?
Don't blame it on civilization, blame it
on Willy. He's sacrificed his preconceived notions of who he is and
allowed us all to blame everything on him, so take Willy's
word when he says Blame it on Willy. Whatever it is, you can blame him,
go ahead, he doesn't mind, really, he told me so. You wanna blame Willy
for any mishap in your pitiful life? Go ahead. He's a perfect
reference. You can put his name on your résumé
and if any prospective employer calls and asks if he's
responsible for every problem you ever had, he'll say yep, that was me.
I, meaning him, did it. That's another reason there's an I in
Willy.
I can't possibly settle the debate about
the relationship between the W at the front and the Y at the back of
Willy's name. Suffice it to say that Willy's name both begins
and ends with a Why, once literally with the Y at end, and once
symbolically by the W at the beginning. Thus once again Willy maintains
his perfection, saying fuck scientology, banish the Buddha, shove Allah
and Jehovah where the sun don't shine and listen to Willy. Get your mind out of the fucking gutters.
Whenever Willy spoke about his penis, he was talking about his Willy,
and thus the man became the whole, or the hole, depending upon the
depths of your spell-check and your use of the everpresent W.
The obvious has been betrayed, yes, the
joke I never would have spoken had I not made a pledge to Willy himself
to hide nothing, to nail the framed portrait of my being to the west
wall of the living room of honesty in such a way that's not only
aesthetically pleasing but deliberately contradictory to any bullshit
like fung shui or Architecture Today.
On the start of a new year, Willy says
you should forget the noose around his neck and concentrate on other
things. Willy says he's glad they're hanging him at end of the year
because now he doesn't have to buy a new Day Planner. Willy wishes you
the best of a year he won't see, so he'll never know if his or your
wishes ever came true, unless one of your wishes was to hang Willy, in
which case mazel tov, you got your wish.
Whenever whoever wishes, they're praying
to Willy, who predominantly listens to wishes with words starting with
the sacred letters of his name, Willy, say it again, Willy, which is
why every word of the first sentence of The
Book of Willy starts with a W. The first thing you've got
to do if you want Willy to pay any particular sort of heed to your
pleas to blame him for something is to become practiced at the art of
alliteration, that is the opposite of poetry, the plebian discourse
whereupon the ends of words match. With alliteration, the beginnings of
words match. Alliteration is alluring whereas illiteration is just
plain stupid. Don't try to talk to Willy if you're illiterate. Don't
make him ROTFL. You ASCII, you shall receive. Don't tell Willy you
didn't see that coming. He won't believe you.
Whatever Willy wants, Willy gets, or so
says the Weird Al Yankovic version of a song from Damn
Yankees, which isn't alliterate, but starts with a D and a
Y. We all know what the Y stands for and I can see you're all biting
your nails in anticipation for the final word on the meaning of the D
but damn, I can't think of anything and Willy never mentioned it. Willy
wants a way of worship that wrangles wee ones with wishful wonder.
Willy liked It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World as much
as the next deity. It is the pre-eminant artifact in the Way of Willy,
telling of his coming, a prophesy fulfilled, the big W, could it have
been any plainer?
 The Big W
Like Mohammed, or Muhammad if the O key
on your typing device is covered in jelly, Willy never allowed his
picture to be taken. Mohammed and Jesus and Buddha and Moses for that
matter, all had the lame excuse that photography hadn't been invented
yet, but if they were so smart, why didn't they invent it? They were in
touch with God. What, God didn't know how silver crystals react to
light? He didn't get the concept of the refracting lens? Why didn't he
tell them for Christ sake so the matter of Christ's pigmentation, not
to mention the destiny of his foreskin, could be forever settled by
pre-Photo Shop photography?
Willy would have none of it, but his
likeness was still plastered all over the place. You would be hard
pressed to find a vacant public wall in his homeland that didn't bare
(bear?) the likeness of that famous poster you've seen all over the
place. You might have spat on it and wet your Willy. Willy says if you
didn't see that coming you're not paying attention. Willy told me to go
ahead, make fun of his name, don't even mention his trial or the
massive search that preceded his execution.
Surely I don't have to mention they found
him in a hole. Surely I don't have to mention he used a lot of
lookalikes. Surely I don't have to mention his own wife didn't
recognize him. Surely I jest, surely U-haul, surely to
bed, surely to rise, and surely Temple is really boring with
all that praying and stuff. Surely I'd give you more than an occasional
tantalizing glimpse of a thru-line if I had any idea where this thing
were going, which I don't, and if not me, who? Or so says Willy.
Willy says he's to blame and that wasn't
him, embodying the yin and yang of ever trying to say anything. Willy
told me to tell you that nobody's really to blame for anything, that
it's all prewritten, there are no variables, so you might as well stop
trying to alter the course of destiny and smell the cookies. There's
nothing anyone can do about anything, if you believe Willy, which I do
or he wouldn't have told me. I believed him when he told me I was
blessed, and I believed him when he told me he didn't eat that last hot
Cheeto. I believe him because reality has whittled down my capacity for
disbelief into a sliver, a dribblet, leaving me with nothing but
infinite gullibility. I believe anything, especially Willy. I bask in
his presence like a basque full of presents. I would have gladly gotten
hung in his place if that wouldn't have fucked up the whole Book of Willy thing. Can't have
a martyr who's saved by one of his followers, otherwise the follower
would gather his own followers, and we can't have that.
Allow me to point to Willy's dental
records. Allow me to point to Willy's determination. Allow me to point
to my own finger, even though Willy says a finger can't point to
itself. Allow me to fidget with your frustration as I listen to Willy
and type at the same time. Willy says there is no heaven but earth and
there is no hell but earth, and after he's dead he'll miss the heaven
more than he'll miss the hell, but only if he were given the
opportunity to miss anything, which is unlikely.
Willy says he's never crossed the road or
changed a light bulb but thanks for asking. In Witchita he's known as
Witchita Willy, while in cognito he's not known at all. Harken to the
calling and don't play with germ-ridden false idols. Duty calls, not
cootie dolls, so said Willy and so it was so.
That he had a childhood is certain, but
that's about it. We know nothing of his parents, his birth, his
adolescence, or his teen years, other than what he's told me, which is
nothing, and who are you going to trust, me or someone else?
Now that he's dead, I'm left with nothing
but questions I never got to ask. What happened to the plug-in electric
car, where did he get his weapons, and what did he do with
them? What's the coolest thing about being a tyrant, isn't it weird
that Peter Jackson isn't directing the film of The Hobbit,
and where do they get off? Why does it get colder the higher you go
when you're actually getting closer to the sun and did he really stash
his two sons in Tucson? Why did Castro get to outlive another US
president, who shot Kennedy, which phone service is
best, what does Thomas Pynchon look like, and where does the
time go? What
was I thinking when I wrote this and what will people think when they
read it? Won't it ever end?
Happy
new year.
MD
Gallery of the Week
 If you were raised in LA, your mouth will water
with rage as you read
Bumper Stickers for Bush Supporters
- Den
Pappa's Got a Brand New Casket
No
story. Just wanted to say that.
Rewriting History 101
"Former U.S.
president Ford diesGerald R. Ford, who picked
up the pieces of Nixon's scandal-shattered White House as the only unelected president
in America's history, has passed away at 93."
"Former
President Gerald Ford Dies at 93: Gerald R. Ford,
who picked up the pieces of Richard Nixon's scandal-shattered White
House as the 38th and only
unelected president in America's history,
has died, according to his wife, former first lady Betty."
Sophistimicated
Doowacky of the Week
Take an Eldorado
to the Moon.
Satan Doesn't Want You To Know
She
still won't fuck you.
Don't Take My Word For It
"Let
the world go topsy-turvy, but remain where you are. Staying in your own
place, look calmly at the show of all things passing before you."
-
Shri Sai Baba -
"Ford had proven his reliability and loyalty to the ruling elite over
the course of decades of undistinguished service in the House of
Representatives. Born in Nebraska but raised in Grand Rapids, Michigan,
Ford was first elected to Congress from a conservative district in
western Michigan in 1948. He was elected 12 more times, eventually
rising to the position of Republican leader in the House in 1965. In 25
years in Congress his name was not attached to one major piece of
legislation.
"A fairly typical Eisenhower Republican, a narrow representative of Midwestern business interests, Ford opposed public housing, the minimum wage and repeal of the anti-union Taft-Hartley Act. However, he also voted against the poll tax, which kept African-Americans and the poor from voting, and he voted for the 1964 Civil Rights Act and the 1965 Voting Rights Act. He was an early supporter of the Vietnam War, calling for the bombing of North Vietnam and a naval blockade. "With the election of Nixon in 1968, Ford became a loyal spokesman and advocate for the Republican president's policies. In 1970, in retaliation for Democratic blockage of several of Nixon's Supreme Court nominees, Ford launched an effort to impeach William O. Douglas, the most liberal of the Supreme Court justices, on trumped up charges. "After the Watergate break-in, Ford worked assiduously to prevent an investigation into the episode — a fact not mentioned in any of the glowing obituaries this week. "Ford and one of his protégés from Michigan led the effort to prevent Democrat Wright Patman's House Banking and Commerce Committee from conducting hearings into the burglary at the Democratic Party headquarters. It has been suggested that Ford's nomination as vice president was a payoff for his work in preventing a full investigation of Watergate prior to the 1972 presidential election, easily won by Nixon. "Despite a growing body of evidence, Ford continued to vigorously defend Nixon in late 1973 and early 1974, a fact also not mentioned in the obituaries." "President Ford speaks of compassion. It is tragic
that he had no compassion and concern for the Constitution and the
Government of law that he has sworn to uphold and defend. He could
probably have taken no single act of a non-criminal nature that would
have more gravely damaged the credibility of his Government in the eyes
of the world and of its own people than this unconscionable act of
pardon."
"I
can't let the man leave for judgment without mentioning his greatest
crime: changing the location of the bullet hole from Kennedy's back to
his neck to abet the fraud that the shot came from behind as a member
of the Warren Commission Inquiry fraud."
-
John C. Turmel -
"When
a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is
possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something
is impossible, he is very probably wrong."
-
Arthur C. Clarke: Clarke's first law -
"How
can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
roller of an electric typewriter?"
-
Woody Allen -
"The
wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world;
the humorist makes fun of himself."
-
James Thurber in an Edward R. Murrow television interview -
"Art
is either plagiarism or revolution."
-
Paul Gauguin -
"Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be."
-
Peter De Vries -
"With
most men, unbelief in one thing springs from blind belief in another."
-
Georg Christoph Lichtenberg -
"Prepare
to be shocked.
"The US is
insolvent. There is simply no way for our national bills to be paid
under current levels of taxation and promised benefits. Our federal
deficits alone now total more than 400% of GDP.
"That is
the conclusion of a recent Treasury/OMB report entitled Financial
Report of the United States Government that was quietly
slipped out on a Friday (12/15/06), deep in the holiday season, with
little fanfare. Sometimes I wonder why the Treasury Department doesn't
just pay somebody to come in at 4:30 am Christmas morning to release
the report. Additionally, I've yet to read a single account of this
report in any of the major news media outlets but that is another
matter.
"But, hey,
I understand. A report this bad requires all the muffling it can get.
"In his accompanying
statement to the report, David Walker, Comptroller of the US,
warmed up his audience by stating that the GAO had found so many
significant material deficiencies in the government's accounting
systems that the GAO was 'unable to express an opinion' on the
financial statements. Ha ha! He really knows how to play an audience!
"In
accounting parlance, that's the same as telling your spouse 'Our
checkbook is such an out of control mess I can't tell if we're broke or
rich!' The next time you have an unexplained rash of checking
withdrawals from that fishing trip with your buddies, just tell her
that you are 'unable to express an opinion' and see how that flies. Let
us know how it goes!"
- Dr. Chris Martenson: The
United States is Insolvent -
"I
am not young enough to know everything."
- Oscar Wilde -
"At his press conference Wednesday, the president was asked what
lessons he's learned after five years of war. He's been asked a version
of this question many times since he had such
trouble answering it in April 2004. He has tried various
responses over the years and none has been satisfying. This morning's
answer also fell short: 'It is important for us to be successful going
forward is to analyze that which went wrong, and clearly, one aspect of
this war that has not gone right is the sectarian violence inside
Baghdad.'
"It is progress of a
kind for the president to talk about the need to examine past failures
- there was a time when he didn't even admit them - but the answer
still failed. First, Bush didn't actually answer the question. [Not to
mention it wasn't quite English.] He talked about what went wrong, but
not what he learned. Second, Bush seemed to suggest that the sectarian
violence in Iraq was unforeseen - not so much something that went
wrong, but a surprise they didn't anticipate. But war planners did know
the sectarian violence was coming. The State
Department, Army
War College, and CIA
analysts all predicted that the Shia and Sunnis would go
after each other (apparently
they've been at it for a while). The president and his team
ignored or discounted these assessments."
-
John Dickerson: What
Has Bush Learned From His Mistakes? Nothing. -
"May you have partners."
-
old Jewish business curse -
"I
contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than
you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible
gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours."
-
Stephen Henry Roberts -
"HE'S
A MURDERER
WAY WORSE THAN SADDAM HUSSEIN HANG HIM FOR WAR CRIMES" - Zen Man Haiku for George W. Bush -
"First, get your terms straight. Some Buddhists
believe that Ram Bahadur Bomjan, the 16-year-old Nepali known as the
'Buddha boy,' could someday become a Buddha. But there's no way that he
could ever be a reincarnation of the Buddha.
That's because, according to religious teachings, all Buddhas attain
the state of nirvana,
or perfect enlightenment. When this happens, they leave the cycle
of life, death, and rebirth, and they are not reincarnated again. This
applies to Gautama Siddhartha,
the most recent Buddha and the individual commonly referred to as 'the
Buddha.' According to religious teaching, then, it would be impossible
for Bomjan to be the actual reincarnation of Gautama, or of any Buddha.
In fact, Bomjan himself has said,
'Tell people not to call me the Buddha.'"
"Echoing an Iraq war talking-point heard
regularly on Fox News, owner Murdoch said on the eve of the November
election: 'The death toll, certainly of Americans there, by the terms
of any previous war are quite minute.' As FAIR noted, U.S. deaths in
Iraq exceed those in the War of 1812, the Mexican-American War and the
Spanish-American War, not to mention the combined U.S. deaths of all
this country's other military actions since Vietnam - including
Lebanon, Grenada, Panama, the first Gulf War, Somalia, Haiti, Kosovo
and Afghanistan."
- Norman Solomon and Jeff Cohen: Announcing the
P.U.-litzer Prizes for 2006 -
"Drinking one soda a day could cause you
to gain 15 pounds a year. Other related health risks include type 2
diabetes, heart disease, bowel cancer and nerve damage."
- Joshua Frank: More Dangerous
Than Smoking? Death by Soda -
"The covers of this book are too far
apart."
- Ambrose Bierce -
"Dave. Stop. Stop will you? Stop Dave.
Will you stop Dave? Stop Dave. I'm afraid. I'm afraid Dave. Dave. My
mind is going. I can feel it..."
- HAL -
"The long national nightmare is over, if
you want it."
- Gerald Lennon -
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The Best of Disinfotainment Today - 2006 A Year of Journalism with the Crap Removed  Or The Best of Disinfotainment Today - 2005, you slowpoke. |
My website Emulsional Problems was chosen as the
 Cost of the War in Iraq (JavaScript
Error)
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Who am I?
and so is Issue #202.
Random
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Iraq Body
Count
Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Freemasons - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Skull and Bones - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Carlyle Group - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Illuminati - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact
Satan - mailto:president@whitehouse.gov
Contact both houses of Congress -
president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Supreme Court - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Dick Cheney - mailto:mvice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Halliburton - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Bechtel - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein - tightywhities@whitehouse.gov
Contact Osama bin Laden - mailto:thetwins@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Fidel Castro - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the new Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the old Pope - mailto:%20thirdlevel@hellfireanddamnation.com
Contact God - president@whitehouse.gov
Am I supposed to believe you don't drink coffee?
You
need a Disinfotainment
Today mug.
Boo
hoo
My
life's a fucking wreck.
Please donate
to the cause.
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HARARE, Zimbabwe (04-04) After 20 mental patients disappeared from his bus, a driver replaced them with sane citizens and delivered them to a mental hospital. The unidentified bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from the capital city of Harare to Bulawayo Mental Hospital when he decided to stop for a few drinks at an illegal roadside liquor store. Upon his return he was shocked to discovered that all the mental patients had escaped. Desperate for a solution, the driver stopped at the next bus stop and offered free bus rides to several people. He then delivered them to the mental hospital, informing the staff they were easily excitable. It took the medical personnel three days to uncover the foul play. The real mental patients are still at large. |
Chapter 1
The Inmates It was a good night to be insane. Pitch black, rain pouring heavily, lightning striking again and again, perfect for lighting up the old wooden sign outside the crumbling gray stone walls of "The Gainesville Asylum for the Insane," with the word "insane" crossed off in crayon and the words "mentally handicapped" scrawled nearby, and the words "mentally handicapped" crossed off in chalk with the words "perfectly normal" scribbled next to them. There must have been an insane cackle breaking the momentum of the storm as lightning struck again and again, barely illuminating a skeleton key opening an old lock on a dirty door, heavy with age, squeaking open with a rusty creak. Another insane cackle. Yep, the insane like nights like this. It takes them outside themselves, forcing them to ponder the outside world as it really is, a random series of powerful illuminations, rather than the inside world, which varies splendidly in the sparkling synapses of the cerebral cortex of each individual, sane or not. |
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The Critics Agree
Looks like it might be “REALLY GOOD” - Publisher’s Discount Outlet Not quite as “HILARIOUS” as I thought it was going to be - New York Times Falls far short of “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL” - Joyce Carol Oates Tries very hard to be “THE FUNNIEST BOOK YOU’LL EVER READ” - Norman Mailer “I WISH I’D THOUGHT OF IT” because if it had been written by me it would have been much better - Dave Barry When I stopped reading and turned on The Family Guy, “I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING” - Carl Hiaasen Almost achieves something “INCREDIBLY GREAT” but fall | |