It's safe to say that I don't think there's any such thing as objective criteria, but who wants to play it safe, not me, so let's just say there IS such a thing as objective criteria and leave it at that.

 

It's also safe to say that I don't think anything should be left at that, but safety is for morons, so let's just say if you find anything, leave it there.

 

Lately I've been thinking a lot about trust, basically because I'm being bombarded with spam from "Rev. Daniel Arinze" with the subject line "can I trust you?" An evil stranger trying to con me by posing as a reverend and asking if they can trust me. One hesitates to imagine how many replies this devout clergyman has gotten saying Hey buddy, no, you see, actually the question should be, and listen closely, NOT if you can trust me, but in fact if I can trust you, even an itty-bitty bit. Such sinners betraying the obvious have, in fact, fallen into a different trap. They've verified the email address by replying, making it more valuable in the world of those who devote their lives to making lists to sell to other con artists who worry if they can trust you, like Rev. Daniel Arinze, bless his soul.

 

And thus, Simba, the circle of trust unfolds around you, every end simply another beginning, the yin of the con artist vs. the yang of the enlightened, fact vs. fiction, one hesitates to say truth vs. one hesitates to say the opposite. There's always going to be someone trying to take advantage of you, just as those who take advantage will usually be able to find another sucker.

 

Can you trust me? I don't know. Sometimes I'm cranking out bullshit for no other reason than it's fun. Come to think of it, Cranking out the Bullshit is a weekly column I might consider writing if I was in the right mood. Just crank it out, Buckwheat, and don't let 'em see the size of your shovel.

 

Rick came back. Whenever I tell him a tall tale, he asks where I read that. Of course I don't remember, but the real question is can he trust me, have I checked the veracity of the ridiculous statement I made? Actually that's not the real real question, but that doesn't mean I won't keep looking for it. Real questions hide in ridiculous places, including the headline of this article, causing odd occurences of ridiculitis, a real disease, people, don't trust me about it, just look it up. I don't care what the official symptoms are, if it's called ridiculitis, I know I've got it.

 

You knew I'd eventually get back to the subject. See? You can trust me, but usually to change the subject. In any case, Ridiculitis is also a column I could crank out by the dozen if it weren't for the fact that people with spinal ridiculitis might think I was making fun of them. Ah yes, to be known for making fun of cripples. Tis a consummation devoutly to be missed.

 

So let's just say you're me and you get an email claiming eggplant cures arthritis and "they" don't want you to know. The most impressive part of that statement is "They don't want you to know," because if "they" means the pharmaceutical industry and "don't want you to know" means something you can pick up at the supermarket that can cure cancer, why then a billion dollar anti-cancer industry would join Enron in the scrapheap of corporate malfeasance, proving the iron-clad rule that including a fact in your bullshit decreases the smell.

 

Let's just always assume they're lying, whoever they are. Am I supposed to jump up and down and shout Golly Gee or follow the link to the obscure study done by an obscure doctor showing that under certain conditions, extract of eggplant has been known to do medical wonders. I've got to weigh the evidence before me against the very real possibility that some Karl Rove of the eggplant industry has planted this story along with his eggplant this week, simply hawking a product that might either do nothing or perpetually perforate your pituitary, according to another obscure study by another obscure doctor who digs alliteration and whose results they DEFINITELY don't want you to know about.

 

The real question is do I pass it along, this rumor, this gossip, this bit of hope with potentially hazardous consequences vs. helping people with nothing to lose. But only if there IS a real question, which I must maintain there isn't, except in the headline of this article. All questions are false to a certain degree. Take the question "Why are unicorns hollow?" Is that a real question? The question assumes you believe in unicorns, and if you answer it, you do. Some questions cause brain damage if you answer them, often questions as simple as Can I trust you or What's the real question?

 

Whenever anyone asks whether any particular news item is true, I can only say good for you, you should always ask whether ANY particular news item is true. Did I personally check it out? Did I interview the doctor? Examine actual copies of the study? Get cancer and be saved by eggplant? Nope. Not a one. But I'm a little less in the dark than those who don't even know these claims exist. I admit to the possibility, another column, Admitting Possibilities, but get someone else to write it, I'm too busy.

 

And not just news items. You should check out things in your personal life too. Don't go believing everything you see or hear or read, including this sentence and whoever wrote it.

 

Here's another rule. Just because you do something doesn't mean what happens next is a result of what you did. Just because your cancer went away after enjoying a hearty Eggplant Parmesano doesn't mean the recipe had anything to do with it, and if you pray to Jesus, "Please give me a Grammy" and you get a Grammy, that doesn't actually prove that Jesus had anything to do with it either, but you may as well thank him just in case. If there really were a Jesus, I'm sure he'd be really pissed if he went to all the trouble of coming back from the dead to help someone win a Grammy and they didn't bother to thank him for it in their speech.

 

Only fiction can show life with any structure, but this is journalism so I can let it do anything. Stories begin where the storyteller decides and only end because they stop. Everyone knows that after the story "ended," Snow White sued Prince Charming for sexual harassment, got half his kingdom in the settlement, and ruled the dwarves with an iron fist for the rest of her days.

 

Here's the real question. If you take a puff from a smokeless pipe and exhale into a bag so the smoke never enters the atmosphere as second hand smoke, can they still bust you for smoking in a restaurant, and if they did, would you let Gloria Leonard defend you (thinking she was Gloria Allred), would CBS make a movie of the week about it, and who would play you?  

 

Yes, Virginia, unicorns are hollow. You can take it from me and you will.

 

"It is a tedious cliché (and, unlike many clichés, it isn't even true) that science concerns itself with how questions, but only theology is equipped to answer why questions. What on earth is a why question? Not every English sentence beginning with the word 'why' is a legitimate question. Why are unicorns hollow? Some questions simply do not deserve an answer. What is the color of abstraction? What is the smell of hope? The fact that a question can be phrased in a grammatically correct English sentence doesn't make it meaningful, or entitle it to our serious attention. Nor, even if the question is a real one, does the fact that science cannot answer it imply that religion can."

- Richard Dawkins: The God Delusion -

"The outcome of any serious research can only be to make two questions grow where only one grew before."
- Thorstein Veblen -

 

Stupid Question of the Week

 

Don'tcha think it's just gotta be Why are unicorns hollow? Nope. Too stupid. But please send me more unanswerable questions.

 

And while we're at it...

 

What's the best way to post your email address to a webpage without ending up on lists from computer spiders but still making it easy for real people to reach you? I've just decided to use "michael (the "at" sign) dareland.com.

 

Any better suggestions?

"I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run."
- Babe Ruth -