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Posted February 27, 2007 Air Blue Away
Thousands of holiday travelers found
themselves inadvertently grounded today when Air Blue Away lost
complete control of reality for an entire morning, bringing business to a
standstill across the Midwest.
Disgruntled customer Ali Tabug complained
that "I only get one week's vacation a year. I planned to spend it blown away,
not totally grounded in reality. What a major bummer."
Air Blue Away President Art
C. Fartsy admitted today that "like all our satisfied customers over the years,
these people were expecting to get blown away but found themselves inadvertently
grounded in reality. I know what that's like and I apologize. Nobody is going to
be fired over the incident. I take full responsibility."
Mike Easerindecar, chairman and CEO of
Bummers 'r' Us, said "We resent this blatant case of copyright
infringement. We've been marketing bummers for years, in direct competition with
Air Blue Away, and they have no right to associate themselves with
bummers in any way, shape, or form."
"That just blows me away," declared Fartsy,
"but I can dig where he's coming from. I'd like to assure Mr. Easerindecar that
we are not trying to attract customers interested in bummers, and I actually
find it surprising that such a market exists. The whole idea bums me out
royal."
"There he goes again," replied Fartsy. "I'm
blown away by Easerindecar's capacity to bum me out."
In fact, the blown away and bummer
marketplaces have been running neck and neck for years. Customers seem to be
equally attracted to both concepts.
"I bought into bummers in '93," says bummer
billionaire Anita Smack, "and my worth kept doubling and tripling."
"I was blown away in '71," says
crypto-neurosurgeon Harmony Slapper from his new home in Guantanamo, "and look
where it got me."
"My first major bummer was so intense I've
subconsciously been repeating it over and over for years," explained neo-bum
Wilma Fingerdo, who lost a fortune this year in real bummers.
"Every time I'm blown away, it reminds me of
the first time I was blown away, and it just blows me away that happens," said
nobody in particular.
"That just bums me out. I'm always grounded
in reality. I don't know what all those crybabies are complaining about," said
Xavier Self from Drowning, PA., who's been a bummer for 47 years and
counting.
"I don't buy into any of this," Buddha butted
in. "One must be blown away AND grounded in reality to find nirvana."
Nirvana had no comment.
"I just blows me away that anyone could say such a thing."
- Nirvana, who had a comment after all -
"Concentrate your phaser power on what appears to be its head."
- Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise -
- Margaret Thatcher -
"Me too."
- Moses -
 Tomb of Fictional Character
Found
"We're as stunned as everyone is," said film
director Ivan T'bycha. "The last thing we expected to find in this archeological
dig was the remains of a fictional character, his wife, and two kids."
"It simply strains disbelief," said Dondy
Lifejackets, chairman of the archdiocese of Reactionary Intellectuals.
"Other than this so-called 'tomb' in this so called 'dig,' there's no direct
evidence whatsoever that fictional characters die natural deaths."
The History Channel promises to get
to the bottom of this implausible controversy in a new one-hour special called
"Watch This Or We'll Kill You Then Do A Special About You."
How to Change
Things
 The Hegelian Dialectic is a process formulated by the German
philosopher Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (17701831) and used by Karl Marx in
codifying revolutionary Communism as dialectical materialism. This process can
be illustrated as:
This is the primary tool in the bag of tricks used by change agents who are
trained to direct this process all over the country... A good example of this
concept was voiced by T.H. Bell when he was U.S. Secretary of Education: "[We]
need to create a crisis to get consensus in order to bring about change."
From The Deliberate
Dumbing Down of America by Charlotte Thomson Iserbyt.
Quiz of the
Week
Which of the following countries are joining
Bush's "surge" and sending more troops to Iraq?
Coalition ForcesALBANIA: 120 non-combat troops, mainly patrolling airport in Mosul;
no plans to withdraw.
ARMENIA: 46 soldiers, serving as medics, engineers and transport drivers, serving under Polish command; mission extended to end of 2007. AUSTRALIA: 550 troops helping to train security forces in two southern Iraqi provinces. AZERBAIJAN: 150 troops, mostly serving as sentries, on patrols and protecting dam near city of Hadid; no plans to withdraw. BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA: Bosnia has 36 soldiers - including three teams of 10 officers and a command team of six - in Iraq. BRITAIN: 7,100 troops in southern Iraq; Prime Minister Tony Blair announced plans to reduce force by 1,600 in the coming months. BULGARIA: 155 in total, including 120 non-combat troops guarding refugee camp north of Baghdad and 35 support personnel. CZECH REPUBLIC: 99 troops. DENMARK: 460 troops patrolling Basra; to be withdrawn by August. EL SALVADOR: 380 soldiers doing peacekeeping and humanitarian work in southern city of Kut; no immediate plans to withdraw. ESTONIA: 35 troops serving under U.S. command in the Baghdad area. GEORGIA: About 900 combat forces, medics and support personnel serving under U.S. command in Baqouba; no plans to withdraw or reduce contingent. KAZAKHSTAN: 27 military engineers; no plans to withdraw. LATVIA: 125 troops are serving under Polish command in Diwaniyah. LITHUANIA: 53 troops are part of a Danish battalion near Basra. A government spokeswoman said it is "seriously considering" not replacing the contingent when its mission ends in August. MACEDONIA: 40 troops in Taji, north of Baghdad. MOLDOVA: 11 bomb-defusing experts returned home at end of January; parliament has not yet decided on sending a new mission. MONGOLIA: 160 troops; no plans to withdraw. NETHERLANDS: 15 soldiers as part of NATO mission training police, army officers; no plans to withdraw. POLAND: 900 non-combat troops; commands multinational force south of Baghdad; mission extended to end of 2007. ROMANIA: About 600 troops, most serving in the south under British command, with the rest - a few dozen military intelligence officers - serving north of Baghdad; Prime Minister Calin Popescu Tariceanu wants them withdrawn. SLOVENIA: Four instructors training Iraqi security forces. SOUTH KOREA: 2,300 troops in the northern Iraqi city of Irbil; plans to bring home 1,100 by April and parliament insists on a plan for a complete withdrawal by end of 2007. UNITED STATES: Approximately 140,000 troops. Answer: "-23" All but one are withdrawing troops. I Feel So Much Safer
Now
"Federal prosecutors counted immigration violations, marriage fraud and
drug trafficking among anti-terror cases in the four years after 9/11 even
though no evidence linked them to terror activity, a Justice Department audit
said Tuesday. Overall, nearly all of the terrorism-related statistics on
investigations, referrals and cases examined by department Inspector General
Glenn A. Fine were either diminished or inflated."
"The United States on Friday rejected an international
call to abandon the use of cluster bombs, State Department spokesman Sean
McCormack said.
"'We ... take the position that these munitions do have
a place and a use in military inventories, given the right technology as well as
the proper rules of engagement,' McCormack said.
"Forty-six countries meeting in Oslo on Friday pledged
to seek a treaty banning cluster bombs by next year, with major user and
stockpiler Britain and manufacturer France signing on, Norway said...
"A cluster bomb is a container holding hundreds of
smaller bomblets. It opens in mid-air and disperses the bomblets over a large
area.
"The smaller bombs do not always explode on impact,
which means they can continue to kill innocent civilians years later.
"A recent report by Handicap International claimed that
98 percent of casualties from cluster munitions are non-combatants.
Free Book of the Week,
albeit a PDF
 Free MP3 of the
Week
Bradley Sowash is rapidly becoming one
of my favorite living pianists. In his latest release, he imagines a
collaboration between Beethoven and Duke Ellington. For a video and free MP3,
check out Ellingthoven.
Caption Contest
 Big Thank
You...
...to everybody who sent me a graphic
of my email address to use to fool the spiders, but especially to Joe Showalter
who sent the incredibly simple JavaScript used for the above email link, which
is totally spiderproof.
FYI, here it is...
<SCRIPT language=JavaScript>
<!-- var showlink = "Condi Caption"; var showname = "stupidquestion"; var showhost = "dareland.com?subject=Condi Caption"; document.write("<a href=" + "mail" + "to:" + showname + "@" + showhost + ">" + showlink + "</a>") //--> </SCRIPT> Just slug in your facts and post away.
Now can anyone figure out how to use this JavaScript with this
graphic?
 Hint: Just replacing "Condi Caption"
(the showlink) with the name of the graphic doesn't work.
New Word of the
Week
"Iraqurate."
- from Harry Shearer
Disturbing Video of the
Week
On 9/11, it would seem the BBC was about half an
hour too early in reporting the collapse of WTC7. In what is clearly a
pre-written cover story, the reporters are explaining the details of the
collapse. They explain that the building was damaged due to falling debris and
that it collapsed as a result. The problem is
that the building is standing RIGHT BEHIND THE REPORTER as she is reading the
report! Check out this
video (or the enormous MPG here)
which seems to indicate there was a press release prepared about the collapse
(really a controlled demolition) before it ever happened, and the BBC
somehow aired it too early. Unless you have another explanation.
Satan Doesn't Want You to
Know
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