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Posted March 19, 2007 W. Bruce Cameron sent
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COLUMBUS, Ohio
(AP) — An giant sculpture of a unicorn that went missing in Columbus, Ohio, has
returned in almost mythical fashion.
It disappeared
last weekend from a small park across from Thurber House, the museum that was
once the home of author James Thurber. And the unicorn apparently has its own
tale to tell.
There was a note
underneath when someone out for a walk discovered the four-foot-tall bronze
sculpture back on its pedestal yesterday morning.
In part, the
note said: "Sorry if I caused a fuss, but I just needed to see the world outside
of my shrine." It was signed "Unicorn."
Police took the
note as evidence. The unicorn was unharmed.
Mr. Skeptic searched and searched...
 ...finally finding it on this page of the almighty
Cache of Google but nowhere on any current news site. Whatever else this prank
was, it was also designed to get shmucks like me to go to Fox News and look
for the keywords "stolen" and "unicorn."
 This much is certain. There WAS a James
Thurber and he DID write something called "The Unicorn in the Garden." Dig
deeper and you come to the horrifying conclusion that the actual garden at the
Thurber House doesn't have a unicorn,
just a dog, but they
do mention on their site that "In the elliptical park across the street, a
unicorn tosses its head as it considers which of the summer lilies it will eat
next." This is a slap in the face to James Thurber, who could just as easily
have written "The Unicorn in the Park," but didn't. The unicorn in the park
is modeled after the mythical beast in "The Unicorn in the Garden," presumably
because there wasn't room for it in Thurber's ACTUAL garden due to the
goddam dog.
Step number one. I have verified that
the unicorn exists.
Still to come... Was it stolen? Was it
put back? Is it hollow? Was there a note? Who found the note? What did it say?
Was it really written by the unicorn? Sick minds gotta know.
Caption Contest
Assholes of the
Week
Carol
Burnett has sued "The Family Guy" for $2 million for satirizing her, and Viacom
has sued what's now known as Gootube (Google + Youtube) for a billion dollars
for giving them free advertising.
Best Place to Steal a
Saucer
 Real Audio of the
Week
A sincere LOL to Harry Shearer's
Phone-in from Yvonne Dellafemina, one of the funniest interviews I've ever
heard.
 Down with
Enemies
I don't like having enemies. No enemies whatsoever
is my motto. I like the freedom of feeling defenseless, of opening myself up
without fear of consequences, of bridging gaps and taming tension, letting it
all hang out just to see what happens. Can't do that with enemies. Enemies'll do
anything to getcha. Best to have none of them.
When enemies say they hate America or Jews, I know
they're not talking about me. They don't know me. I'm not the American or Jew
they're talking about. They're refering to some other form of American or Jew,
the despicable ones, the ones I hate as much as they do. I can't do anything
about the fact I was born an American and a Jew, but I can certainly think for
myself, accepting and rejecting all sorts of attributes commonly associated with
people of similar birth. They certainly wouldn't
hate me if they knew I agreed with them, that the world sucks and somebody's to
blame. Then they wouldn't be my enemies and, like I said, down with enemies.
As far as being Jewish, Christ I hated hebrew
school, those boring services, the responsive reading, the standing up all the
time to sing his praise, the recitations from the torah, the endless lectures,
hated every bit of it. I'm sure I wouldn't have made a better Muslim or
Catholic, it was all bullshit, and I went my merry way - free from the tedium of
dogma and into the world of exploration and possibilities.
It seems their image of a Jew is just as accurate
their image of Kazakhstanians after seeing Borat. People like Borat and the
big bad Jew do actually exist simply because everything actually exists, not
because they're representative of entire groups of people. In any actual group
of people, the jerks are usually the minority, despite compelling evidence to
the contrary. A lot of people just act like jerks because they've been convinced
that's the appropriate way to act, but down underneith they're not really jerks,
just normal people trying to get on with their lives with a minimum of
interference. Despite what enemies think, normality is the norm.
Gallery of the
Week
 Who says north has got to be UP? Not
The
Upsidedown Map Page.
Don't Take My Word
For It
"If anything happens in politics, you can bet your
shirt it was planned that way."
- Franklin D. Roosevelt -
"The story so far: say you're a
good Republican afflicted with a problem U.S. Attorney who has not demonstrated
proper exuberance whilst prosecuting Democratics near election time or one who
refuses to apologize for stepping on a few big contributor toes, well don't you
worry your pretty little head, because a single call to the Attorney Weasel,
Alberto Gonzalez, and you got yourself a slack jawed partisan lackey waiting to
fill the offending prosecutor's shoes. With Kleenex.
"Eight U.S. Attorneys have been fired without explanation
despite positive internal performance reviews. And most have been or are on
track to be replaced with candidates whose major qualifications is knowing the
correct response to the Republican Party's 'Jump!' command is to inquire 'How
high?' Head Toady Karl Rove undoubtedly has an basement assembly line stamping
out a series of clones learning his sinister brand of myopic kowtowing as we
speak."
- Will Durst: The Department of Just
Us -
"In many ways, what we in journalism need is a
spine transplant."
- Dan Rather -
"Not surprisingly, my heroes
all write, almost exclusively, for the Internet. Probably their words would burn
a hole in the page of newsprint.
"Having waited in vain for some prestigious university, the
Columbia School of Journalism, for example, to create an award for Internet
writing and editing, I decided to create my own. The First Annual Liberty
Internet Award, or the LIA, presented to those writers who make a profound
impact in this, the last bastion of free speech...
"If you are like me, you are addicted to the Internet. So much
so that newspapers, and newspaper reporters, editors and columnists have become
boring, the opinions tepid, the reportage trite, the editorial slant almost
propaganda. I feel sorry for the trees that gave their lives for newspapers
nowadays.
"What are the criteria for a LIA?
"Criterion Number One: Does the writer kick ass on a regular
basis? Criterion Number Two: Does the writer pick important topics the
mainstream media mostly ignores? Criterion Number Three: Does the writer write
well, entertainingly, outrageously, effectively, and mostly on target?
"So, envelopes please..."
- Douglas Herman: The First Annual
Liberty Internet Awards -
"'Justice' is the righting of a
wrong, and therefore, to understand 'justice,' we need to understand 'wrong.'
This is about ethics, and therefore, we need to understand a bit about human
nature. The premise I'll use is that every human being is an integral whole,
owning his or her own person. And because any premise other than self-ownership
would mean that humans are owned by others, no alternative is possible; hence
the premise is an axiom. So our starting point is axiomatic: Each human is his
own self-owner.
"From that it follows that each
human has the right to dispose of his own life any way he pleases, and
from that it follows that 'evil' or 'wrong' occurs when that fundamental right
is damaged or violated. That is in fact an elegant definition of evil: 'any
action that interferes with someone's absolute self-ownership right.' The final
step now shows clearly the true meaning of 'justice': the righting of that
wrong, i.e., the restoration of the damaged right, as far as is feasible. That's
what justice is, and that is all that justice is! Anything else, or
anything less, is a perversion of justice - a pretense."
"Now we can safely return to the practical aspects of a
justice system, and ask whether a government justice monopoly, [even greatly
improved], will do the job. We can clearly see that it certainly cannot, ever.
For government is in its fundamental nature an organization that violates the
axiomatic human self-ownership right from its very get-go; it does nothing
other than take away from individuals the right to own and
operate their own lives! Every single time it writes a 'law,' it commits gross
injustice, stabbing that right in the heart, over-riding it, saying No, we
control you, the choice is ours, not yours. Thus the very nature of
government is to violate rights, to commit evil, to deny justice, each and every
time it gets on its hind legs. To suppose that such a rights-violating entity is
capable of acting as a rights-restoring one is ludicrous on its face, a fatal
contradiction."
- Jim Davies: The Pretense of
Justice -
"There is no question that many people do good
things in the name of their faith - but there are better reasons to help the
poor, feed the hungry and defend the weak than the belief that an Imaginary
Friend wants you to do it. Compassion is deeper than religion. As is ecstasy. It
is time that we acknowledge that human beings can be profoundly ethical - and
even spiritual - without pretending to know things they do not
know."
- Sam Harris: God's
Dupes -
"Do unto others as they wish, but with
imagination."
- Marcel Duchamp -
"Addicts are hard to love. They
rationalize, lie, manipulate, steal from family and friends, and drop out of
contact entirely, often without any explanation or apology. Parents look at the
haggard face of their addicted
child and they can no longer conjure up that sweet boy or girl whom they
raised. Siblings and friends try to help, but eventually grow tired of
sacrificing so much for someone who seems so selfish, plus they fear that their
help is only enabling the addict. 'He'll just have to hit rock bottom,' they
say, and move to protect themselves from even more hurt and anguish.
"While many of those with loved ones who struggle with drugs and alcohol cling
to old notions about addiction, HBO's
Addiction Project, a multiplatform campaign that includes a book (Addiction: Why Can't They Just Stop?), several
documentaries and extensive online resources, suggests that at least some of our
common wisdom on the nature of drug and alcohol dependence
needs to be updated...
"In this film and the other
films that will air this week on HBO, this message - relapse is part of the
disease itself and not a sign of failure - is hammered home repeatedly, along
with a barrage of other messages and facts that suggest a strong urge, on the
part of the Addiction Project's collaborators, to challenge our understanding
and our prejudices regarding addiction. We're reminded more than once that
addiction is a brain disease, that it's treatable through therapy and a new
range of medications, that it's not necessary for an addict to hit 'rock bottom'
- the sooner a person gets treatment, the better...
"While most of us think of
addiction treatment flatly in terms of rehab and 12-step programs, since that's
what we read about and hear about from friends, the treatments for addicts are
so wide ranging, and many of them are so new, that lots of families are likely
to be unaware of the options available to them."
- Heather Havrilesky: Carrying
the message - HBO's Addiction Project tackles misconceptions, offers harrowing,
intimate stories, and highlights new treatments in an effort to update common
views of addiction -
"There is no best-case scenario for Iraq. It's
complete anarchy now. No family is untouched by kidnappings, murders,
ethnic cleansing - everybody lives in a constant state of terror. Leaving aside
Kurdistan, which is very different, there's nobody in Iraq who is safe. You can
get killed for being a Sunni, for being a Shia, for being educated, for being
part of the former regime, for being part of the current regime. The Americans
are still killing Iraqi civilians left and right. There's no government in Iraq;
it doesn't exist outside of the Green Zone. That's not only the government's
fault, that's our fault: We deliberately created a weak government so that we
would have final authority over everything in Iraq."
- Nir Rosen quoted in Tim
Nickinson's Beyond
Quagmire - A panel of experts convened by Rolling Stone agree that the
war in Iraq is lost. The only question now is: How bad will the coming explosion
be? -
"This is a dark chapter in our history. Whatever
else happens, our country's international standing has been frittered away by
people who don't have the foggiest understanding of how the hell the world
works. America has been conducting an experiment for the past six years, trying
to validate the proposition that it really doesn't make any difference who you
elect president. Now we know the result of that experiment [laughs]. If a guy is
stupid, it makes a big difference."
- Gen. Tony McPeak (retired) - Member of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff during the Gulf War - also quoted in Beyond
Quagmire -
"The Army Corps of Engineers, rushing to meet President Bush's promise to
protect New Orleans by the start of the 2006 hurricane season, installed
defective flood-control pumps last year despite warnings from its own expert
that the equipment would fail during a storm, according to documents obtained by
The Associated Press...
"The drainage-canal pumps were custom-designed and built
under a $26.6 million contract awarded after competitive bidding to Moving Water
Industries Corp. of Deerfield Beach, Fla. It was founded in 1926 and supplies
flood-control and irrigation pumps all over the world.
"MWI is owned by J. David Eller and his sons. Eller was
once a business partner of former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush in a venture called
Bush-El that marketed MWI pumps. And Eller has donated about $128,000 to
politicians, the vast majority of it to the Republican Party, since 1996,
according to the Center for Responsive Politics.
"MWI has run into trouble before. The U.S. Justice
Department sued the company in 2002, accusing it of fraudulently helping Nigeria
obtain $74 million in taxpayer-backed loans for overpriced and unnecessary
water-pump equipment. The case has yet to be resolved."
- Cain Burdeau: Corps Placed Faulty Pumps
in New Orleans -
"Let me see if I've got this straight. Perhaps two years
ago, an 'informal' meeting of 'veterans' of the 1980s Iran-Contra scandal -
holding positions in the Bush administration - was convened by Deputy National
Security Advisor Elliott Abrams. Discussed were the 'lessons learned' from that
labyrinthine, secret, and illegal arms-for-money-for-arms deal involving the
Israelis, the Iranians, the Saudis, and the Contras of Nicaragua, among others -
and meant to evade the Boland Amendment, a congressionally passed attempt to
outlaw Reagan administration assistance to the anti-communist Contras. In terms
of getting around Congress, the Iran-Contra vets concluded, the complex
operation had been a success - and would have worked far better if the CIA and
the military had been kept out of the loop and the whole thing had been run out
of the Vice President's office...
"Now imagine the response: Front-page headlines;
editorials nationwide calling for answers, Congressional hearings, or even the
appointment of a special prosecutor to look into some of the claims; a raft of
op-ed page pieces by the nation's leading columnists asking questions, demanding
answers, reminding us of the history of Iran-Contra; bold reporters from a
recently freed media standing up in White House and Defense Department press
briefings to demand more information on Hersh's various charges; calls in
Congress for hearings and investigations into why the people's representatives
were left so totally out of this loop.
"Uh
"All I can say is: If any of this happened, I haven't
been able to discover it. As far as I can tell, no one in the mainstream even
blinked on the Iran-Contra angle or the possibility that a vast, secret Middle
Eastern operation is being run, possibly illegally and based on stolen funds and
Saudi money, out of the Vice President's office."
- Tom Engelhardt: The Seymour Hersh
Mystery: A Journalist Writing Bloody Murder... and no one notices -
"We always attract into our lives whatever we think about most, believe in
most strongly, expect on the deepest level, and imagine most vividly."
- Shakti Gawain -
"When Matthew Rothschild, editor of the online magazine
The Progressive, wrote an article called 'Enough of the 9/11 Conspiracies,
Already,' we all knew he was not talking about the conspiracy theory that the US
government sells us to justify the expanding 9/11 Wars. To the contrary, in
writing that article Mr. Rothschild was selling that same theory himself. What
he actually meant was that people should not question the US government's story
of terror because credentialed experts have been found to support it. But the
fact is that the experts found to support the official conspiracy theory of 9/11
are predominantly those who profit from doing so. Thats not to say that all of
these people were part of the conspiracy. But they are, whether consciously or
not, a part of the cover-up. And that, of course, is the greater crime...
"The truth is that interpretation of the events at the
WTC does include some agreement from all parties. We all agree that no tall
steel-framed building in history has ever collapsed uniformly at nearly
free-fall speed into a pile of rubble for any reason whatsoever, outside of
demolition. And were in agreement that the first three occasions of such an
event supposedly occurred all on the same day, all in the same place. To round
out a quick agreement, we can all safely say that these improbable events were
the emotional basis for the passing of legislation that had already been written
(e.g. the Patriot Act), and for the invasion of several strategically-important
countries, the plans for which were already in the works.
"From there, however, the views of the government's
credentialed experts diverge from those who are more interested in objectively
seeking the truth. The initial facts of agreement should lead any objective
person to seek a detailed investigation that leaves no hypothesis un-examined.
But for the governments credentialed experts, only one hypothesis was worthy of
consideration, a fire-based failure of all three buildings that jibed with the
overall official version of the events of that day."
- Kevin Ryan: 9/11:
Looking for Truth in Credentials: The Peculiar WTC Experts -
"Many have already heard the buzz, if not already seen
the movie itself, about the latest 'graphic novel' (remember when they used to
be called just comic books?) to become enshrined in celluloid, -
300.
"I came in Not expecting another V for
Vendetta, but instead a Sin City. Cinematically 'cool,' the whole
black/white noir thing with only select objects being colorized, no real deep
meaning other than blood, guts, brawn, and over-the-top macho males parading as
violent heroes...
"Oh how wrong I was. I don't know at what point I
stopped seeing it as comic book fluff, like how the Spartans have the most
conveniently placed bottomless pit ever (classic comic book gold), but I'm sure
it was probably after the first time Leonidas (King of Sparta) bloviated about
'logic' and 'reason.' While the graphics never went downhill, the script
proceeded to practically nosedive into a redux of Bush's 'freedom and liberty'
inauguration speech whenever Leonidas opened his mouth. Before the major battle
even begins one is besieged by inconsistencies and blatant parallels...
"While one never sees any Athenians, too busy cowardly
prancing about in their walled city discussing that useless thing called
'mathematics' no doubt, the Spartans do have an equally pathetic Greek ally in
the Arcadians.
"Their uselessness as spear fodder was displayed in a
prominent scene where Leonidas quizzes a couple Arcadians on what their jobs
are. 'Potter.' 'Sculptor.' 'Blacksmith.' Reply the three visibly weak and pale
1-dimensional characters like its something to be ashamed of to be skilled in a
peaceful and constructive skill that can be traded for goods or services.
"'Spartans!' bellows Leonidas, 'what's your occupation?'
and before I can yell out 'florist!' in frustration at this - comic book turned
Neo-Conservative Passion Play - 300 beautiful and strong slightly tanned white
men proudly yell back 'Soldier!' to an audience hushed in awe of them and me in
shock that I'm still sitting there watching it...
"Ultimately the smarter Arcadians realize this battle is
lost and go back to their jobs in the free market, the Spartans fight until they
all die, and I get to groan/roll my eyes at the end when the lone survivor (sent
back before final assault to tell story) talks of how Sparta stood as the 'lone
light of reason & logic in the world and preserved liberty for later
humankind to keep - because'...wait for it... 'freedom isn't free!'
"I leave the theater exhausted and hopeful that
Americans have become so sheepled at this point that they don't even recognize
the underlying message (or want one) and that they just came to watch moving
pictures that also happened to have blood and female nudity in them.'
- Tomas Engle: Pulp Fictional History
-
"It’s not weird to believe that
uber-people are coming down from the skies to take care of us. It’s not
weird to think that some other weirdos can read minds. It’s not weird
to think that one’s race is superior to other races. That’s simple
stuff. That is, sadly, majority thinking.
Those are the evil, stupid,
thoughts we’ve been believing for 150 thousand
years.
"The real weird stuff is that
disease is caused by invisible
critters. Real weird is the idea of the
whole universe
starting out smaller than a piece of gunk in your contact lens. Real
weird is that light is both a wave and a particle and flies along at 186,000
miles per second. Real weird is that I was able to type that
last number
without looking it up.
"And those of us who believe
those weird things believe them (maybe tentatively) because there’s some
evidence.
How weird is that?"
- Penn Jillette: Why
People Believe Weird Things -
"There is nothing to be gained
by exaggerating claims of marijuana's alleged harms. On the contrary, by
overstating pot's potential dangers, America's policymakers and law enforcement
community undermine their credibility and ability to effectively educate the
public of the risks that may be associated with cannabis or with more dangerous
drugs. This is the reason why the Feds' multibillion dollar media campaign, and
the government's drug 'war' efforts overall, have consistently
fizzled.
"Rather than continue down this failed path, federal officials
like Rep. Souder ought to take a page from the government's far more successful
campaigns discouraging drunken driving and teen tobacco smoking, both of which
have fallen dramatically since the mid-1990s. America has not achieved these
results by arbitrarily outlawing the use of alcohol or tobacco, or by targeting
and arresting adults who use these products responsibly, but through honest,
health- and science-based education campaigns.
"Until we as a nation apply these same principles to our
educational efforts regarding cannabis, there will be little change in either
teens' perceptions of pot or their patterns of marijuana use, regardless of how
much money Souder and Congress spend."
- Paul Armentano: Millions More for a Failed
Anti-Drug Propaganda Campaign? Ridiculous! -
"Florida's Supreme Court has
rejected an appeal from Richard Paey, a wheelchair-using father of three who is
currently serving a 25-year mandatory prison sentence for taking his own pain
medication. In doing so, the court let stand a decision which essentially claims
that the courts have no role in checking the powers of the executive and
legislative branches of government when an individual outcome is patently
unjust.
"Richard Paey -- who suffers both multiple sclerosis and from
the aftermath of a disastrous and barbaric back surgery that resulted in
multiple major malpractice judgments -- now receives virtually twice as much
morphine in prison than the equivalent in opioid medications for which he was
convicted of forging prescriptions...
"The Ivy-league educated
attorney has no prior criminal convictions, and weeks of surveillance by
narcotics agents did not find him selling the medications...
"Judge James Seals called the
sentence 'illogical, absurd, unjust and unconstitutional,' noting that Paey
'could conceivably go to prison for a longer stretch for peacefully but
unlawfully purchasing 100 oxycodone pills from a pharmacist than had he robbed
the pharmacist at knife point, stolen 50 oxycodone pills, which he intended to
sell to children waiting outside, and then stabbed the pharmacist.'
"But the Florida Supreme Court disagreed, letting the sentence
stand, without comment...
"The truth is that opioids are
amongst the safest drugs known to humanity - when given appropriately, they do
not kill.
"Unlike aspirin, Tylenol, Vioxx, Celebrex, Advil, Alleve and
every other known class of pain medications, opioids do not harm any organs and
there is no maximum dose once a person has become tolerant to them. People need
to educate themselves about the complexities of how drugs, brains and settings
interact before making policies about them that send people like Richard Paey to
prison."
- Maia Szalavitz: Multiple Sclerosis Sufferer Serving
25-Year Sentence for Taking Pain Killers -
"The actual reason Halliburton and its chairman
David Lesar are moving their corporate digs to Dubai is that the UAE's lax laws
on corporate record keeping and the opaqueness of business transactions in the
emirates will allow the firm to avoid responding to congressional subpoenas for
its scandalous war profiteering in Iraq, Afghanistan, and other locations. A
source with extensive ties in Dubai also reports that after leaving office, Dick
Cheney will be spending 'a lot of time in Dubai.' WMR was told that Cheney will
likely start looking for property in the emirate... There are a number of
highly-secured gated communities springing up in Dubai, which is fast becoming
the 'Hong Kong' of the Middle East. Halliburton will also be able to avoid
paying U.S. corporate taxes as a UAE-headquartered corporation."
- Wayne Madsen: Why
Halliburton is moving to Dubai -
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case
I see a snake - which I also keep handy."
- W. C. Fields -
"Background: Viacom filed a $1 billion lawsuit
against Google and YouTube for alleged copyright infringement. The following
statement is attributed to Gigi B. Sohn, president of Public Knowledge:
Without commenting on the specific allegations
involved, we note that simply because material is unauthorized does not make its
use illegal. There are limitations to copyright law, known as fair use, that do
not require the copyright owners permission before use of a work. Many of the
users of YouTube who have posted short clips of main-stream medias works have
done so using their fair use rights, for reasons of criticism, comment,
education, and news reporting."
"He who is not angry when there is just cause for
anger is immoral. Why? Because anger looks to the good of justice. And if you
can live amid injustice without anger, you are immoral as well as
unjust."
- Thomas Aquinas -
"There is no safety for
honest men except by believing all possible evil of evil men."
- Edmund Burke -
"Truth exists, only falsehood has to be invented." -Georges Braque "If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? And if I am
only for myself, then what am I? And if not now,
when?"
- Rabbi Hillel -
|
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The Best of Disinfotainment Today - 2006 A Year of Journalism with the Crap Removed  Or The Best of Disinfotainment Today - 2005, you slowpoke. |
My website Emulsional Problems was chosen as the
 Cost of the War in Iraq (JavaScript
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and so is Issue #210.
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Iraq Body
Count
Contact George W. Bush - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Freemasons - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Skull and Bones - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Carlyle Group - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Illuminati - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact
Satan - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact both houses of Congress -
president@whitehouse.gov
Contact the Supreme Court - president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Dick Cheney - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Halliburton - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Bechtel - vice.president@whitehouse.gov
Contact Saddam Hussein - tightywhities@whitehouse.gov
Contact Osama bin Laden - thetwins@whitehouse.gov
Contact Jeb Bush - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Fidel Castro - jeb.bush@myflorida.com
Contact Kim Jong Il - eng-info@kcna.co.jp
Contact Jacques Chirac - france-presse@un.int
Contact the new Pope - accreditamenti@pressva.va
Contact the old Pope - thirdlevel@hellfireanddamnation.com
Contact God - president@whitehouse.gov
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HARARE, Zimbabwe (04-04) After 20 mental patients disappeared from his bus, a driver replaced them with sane citizens and delivered them to a mental hospital. The unidentified bus driver was transporting 20 mental patients from the capital city of Harare to Bulawayo Mental Hospital when he decided to stop for a few drinks at an illegal roadside liquor store. Upon his return he was shocked to discovered that all the mental patients had escaped. Desperate for a solution, the driver stopped at the next bus stop and offered free bus rides to several people. He then delivered them to the mental hospital, informing the staff they were easily excitable. It took the medical personnel three days to uncover the foul play. The real mental patients are still at large. |
Chapter 1
The Inmates It was a good night to be insane. Pitch black, rain pouring heavily, lightning striking again and again, perfect for lighting up the old wooden sign outside the crumbling gray stone walls of "The Gainesville Asylum for the Insane," with the word "insane" crossed off in crayon and the words "mentally handicapped" scrawled nearby, and the words "mentally handicapped" crossed off in chalk with the words "perfectly normal" scribbled next to them. There must have been an insane cackle breaking the momentum of the storm as lightning struck again and again, barely illuminating a skeleton key opening an old lock on a dirty door, heavy with age, squeaking open with a rusty creak. Another insane cackle. Yep, the insane like nights like this. It takes them outside themselves, forcing them to ponder the outside world as it really is, a random series of powerful illuminations, rather than the inside world, which varies splendidly in the sparkling synapses of the cerebral cortex of each individual, sane or not. |
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The Critics Agree
Looks like it might be “REALLY GOOD” - Publisher’s Discount Outlet Not quite as “HILARIOUS” as I thought it was going to be - New York Times Falls far short of “THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL” - Joyce Carol Oates Tries very hard to be “THE FUNNIEST BOOK YOU’LL EVER READ” - Norman Mailer “I WISH I’D THOUGHT OF IT” because if it had been written by me it would have been much better - Dave Barry When I stopped reading and turned on The Family Guy, “I COULDN’T STOP LAUGHING” - Carl Hiaasen Almost achieves something “INCREDIBLY GREAT” but falls far short - The Village Voice The author obviously thinks he’s a “GENIUS” - Psychiatry Today If you want something “ENORMOUSLY ENTERTAINING” look elsewhere - Books in Print “INSPIRED” me to write a better book - P.J. O’Roarke It starts out fairly RATIONAL, but about halfway through you're bound to tell yourself "this is NUTS." A second later, you will nod as another voice in your head says "PRECISELY." - Sigmund Freud $20 for the quality paperback from Cafepress. $10 for a PDF file directly to your mailbox, preferably with Paypal, or write me and tell me why you think you deserve a free copy. "Art is like a border of flowers along the course of civilization." - Lincolm Steffens - "Artists lie to tell the truth. Politicians lie to hide it." - V for Vendetta - |
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Disacknowledgment is Better than No Acknowledgment
at All
Disinfotainment Today seems to be for free and
apparently appears weekly, but don't bet on it without giving me a
cut. Sometimes it happens all by itself, sometimes it's like passing a
bowling ball. In any case, go ahead, grab it all, just like I grabbed it,
and do something with it. Fuck Viacom and fuck Carol Burnett for trying in any
way to halt free expression, the unexpurgated flow of creative ideas, and our
inalienable right to make fun of and borrow from whatever we please. All art is
montage that grabs bits and pieces of reality into the singular expression of
the artist. If you see some of yourself in someone else's work, its either a
tribute and you should be proud, or a put-down and you should shut up. Either
way, its fair use, even if you insist on being a dick
about it and throwing your money around in a court battle that will only let
more people know what a dick you are than if you had just left well enough
alone.
Thanks,
Thanks,
Rita
Ployment (from
Iraq)
Your
Very Special Piece of ASCII Art for Making it to the Bottom of the Page
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