I print so much anti-administration propaganda that one might assume I'm a hardcore Democrat. I'm not. If Democrats were in power I'm sure I'd be finding plenty to complain about. The United States has NEVER had a President in my lifetime I endorsed whole-heartedly. I think of Republicans and Democrats as Republicrats, two sides of the same coin, both part of the problem. The two-party system is like the tie salesman who says "Which of these two ties do you like?" As soon as you pick one, you've bought into the system. You're suddenly choosing a tie instead of being allowed to decide whether you want a tie in the first place. We're never given the choice of someone we actually want for president. It's always whom we dislike the least. I dislike Gore less than I dislike Bush, but that doesn't mean I'm FOR him. He's a putz, just like most politicians.

So I try, believe me I do, to show both sides of every issue, but I also try to steer you towards something with entertainment value, and there's the problem. For instance here's a clever shockwave movie against the privatization of social security. I'd love to point you towards a clever shockwave movie FOR the privatization of social security but, to the best of my knowledge, it doesn't exist. The Internet is chock full of clever and caustic attacks on the current administration, but damned if I can find one single clever DEFENSE of the current administration. They're all straightforward and boring as hell. I'd never send you there.

So in the interest of even-handedness, I'm asking you to please help me find one single pro-Bush site that's ENTERTAINING. Where are the shockwave movies where you blow up Democrats? Where are the audio-visual displays showing how great Bush is handling the economy? Where is the pro-war propaganda you can tap your toes to?

Write your lonesome editor at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

Imagine for the moment that you have a button in front of you, and if you push the button, every single vehicle with an internal combustion engine on the planet earth would instantly be converted to one that works on liquid hydrogen. These engines would provide the exact same power with no release of pollutants whatsoever except for a drip of pure water from the exhaust pipe. Every gas station on earth would be changed to a liquid hydrogen station, and consumption of gasoline on earth would immediately plummet, making the U.S. no longer dependent upon foreign oil. Would you push the button? Would George W. Bush?

"Where self interest is the bond,
The friendship is dissolved
When calamity comes
Where Tao is the bond,
Friendship is made perfect
By calamity."
- Chuang Tsu (300 BC) -

Mr.T Ate My Balls. Honorable mention: He-Man Ate My Balls, Batman Ate My Balls, Kramer Ate My Balls, and Yoko Ono Ate My Balls.

Ooching, as in "When your economy is, kind of, ooching along, it's important to let people have more of their own money."
- George W. Bush -

Russia has attacked U.S. servicemen with lasers and, big surprise, the U.S. government has obstructed justice.

Presidio Med - Boring and awful, like ER at the wrong speed.

MDs - Serious and hilarious, great acting, superb writing, absolutely one of the best.

8 Simple Rules for Dating my Teenage Daughters - Pretty good for a sitcom considering sitcoms suck.

CSI: Miami - Intense and yucky, just like the other CSI. C'mon, give us CSI: 90210.

John Doe - Follows the X-Files and Alias profile of one mystery solved per episode, with one BIG conspiracy mystery stretched out over the season. Damn good so far.

Push, Nevada - Follows the X-Files and Alias profile of one mystery solved per episode, with one BIG conspiracy mystery stretched out over the season. Damn good so far.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

Are you the Dr. Hollywood whose research focuses on the ionic mechanisms underlying spontaneous activity in lymphatic and urethral smooth muscle and examining how this activity is modulated by neurotransmitters and second messengers? I was just wondering if you had collaborated with Dr Keith Thornbury and Professor Noel McHale in demonstrating the presence of two distinct populations of cells (pacemaker and follower cells) in lymphatic and urethral smooth muscles. Since pacemaker cells differ from the bulk smooth muscle not only in their appearance, but in their electrophysiology and immunohistochemistry, I was curious if they have characterised the main conductances present in lymphatic and urethral tissues at both the whole cell and single channel level using patch clamp techniques. Have you assessed the contribution of each of these currents to spontaneous and evoked electrical activity?

Sincerely,

Dr. Hphnsteder

Dear Dr. Hphnsteder, 

Huh? 

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

October 7, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

CARTOON FROM HELL

 

WGA PROPOSALS FROM HELL

The 12,000 members of the Writers Guild of America will vote November 14 on a set of proposed changes for determining credit for television and feature film writers. The four issues, condensed, are: 

1) During credit determination, writers would automatically be anonymous. Currently, anonymity must be requested prior to evaluation. 

2) For screenplay disagreements, a group of arbiters will decide who made the most substantial contribution to the final shooting script. If it cannot be decided, the screenwriters names will be listed in chronological order. 

3) A more controversial proposal, regarding adaptations, will prevent the adapter from automatically getting credit for simply using the elements found in previously published material. 

4) Also hotly contested at the WGA is the final proposal, which would make it easier for producers and directors who also write to receive credit. They currently have more a more stringent requirement of proving they have written 50% or more of a script to receive credit. 

While these latter two proposals have created a furor among some WGA writers, they are considerably tamer than those proposals which were rejected: 

1) Writers over 40 who are about to lose their WGA medical coverage get automatic credit. 

2) Writers who are under the age of 22 have to prove they have written at least 95% of the script. 

3) Writers who have never written a previous script and are security guards, hairdressers, poolboys, accountants, astrologers or other non-writing professionals who just happen to know somebody connected with TV or film have to prove they have written at least 80% of the script. 

4) Writer-producers who work in TV and have created another pilot with cops or doctors receive only net profit participation. 

5) Writers who write about characters who are dying from an incurable disease, are mentally handicapped or regularly have chats with the dead shall have to prove they have written at least 80% of the script, unless they personally have the disease, handicap or can prove they talk to the dead, in which case their WGA health insurance shall be automatically increased by 50% with no additional cost. 

6) Writers who have more than three (3) scenes with gigantic explosions or thirty (30) minutes of gunfire in their scripts shall have to prove they have written at least 60% of the script, that they do not own a firearm and that they are willing to take anger management courses. 

7) Writers who create screenplays about historical characters shall receive automatic credit if a totally inappropriate action star is given the lead role. 

8) Writers creating feature film scripts based on old TV shows shall be forced to co-write the script with the creator of the original TV show. If creator is not available, is dead or simply thinks it is a terrible idea, the writer and director and producers shall be forced to watch no less than 50 hours of the original show and then shall have the option of forgetting about the whole thing. 

- Brad Schreiber -

COMMITTEE FROM HELL

So who knew that the National Human Research Protections Advisory Committee had been disbanded because it had peeved the family-values crowd by not including fetuses in its study of research on newborns? Now the committee is being reconstituted under the leadership of a woman who helped to found, and three times served as president of, the National Right to Life Committee.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

In 1819, Congress ratified a 13th Amendment to the constitution of the United States. It has mysteriously disappeared from all current copies of the constitution. It reads as follows:

"If any citizen of the United States shall accept, claim, receive, or retain any title of nobility or honor, or shall without the consent of Congress, accept and retain any present, pension, office, or emolument of any kind whatever, from any emperor, king, prince, or foreign power, such person shall cease to be a citizen of the United States, and shall be incapable of holding any office of trust or profit under them, or either of them." 

Archaic and unimportant, right? Wrong. It forbids lawyers from holding public office, and allows judges to be sued. What the hell happened to it?

GIFT FROM HELL FOR THE PARANOID WHO HAS EVERYTHING

Missile Silo Converted into Luxury Home with Runway

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

He has a third nipple.

INVENTORY FROM HELL

Items sent from the U.S. during the Reagan and Bush Administrations that helped Iraq's non-conventional weapons programs and that were shipped to known military industrial facilities include: Computers to develop ballistic missiles and nuclear weapons; machine tools and lasers to extend ballistic missile range; graphics terminals to design and analyze rockets; West Nile Fever virus, a known potential BW agent, sent by the U.S. governments Centers for Disease Control (CDC); the agents for botulism, tetanus, and anthrax.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"A writer can make a fortune in America, but he can't make a living."
- James Michener -

"I have come to believe that freedom is ultimately the chief attraction of the writing life. I believe, too, that we are about as free as we recognize ourselves to be. The more I realize that material possessions have little to do with my happiness and that money is accordingly of rather little importance, the freer I am to enjoy this life and to fulfill whatever potential I have."
- Lawrence Block -

"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think, they'll hate you. "
- Don Marquis -

"Most people can't think, most of the remainder won't think, the small fraction who do think mostly can't do it very well. The extremely tiny fraction who think regularly, accurately, creatively, and without self-delusion--in the long run, these are the only people who count." 
- Robert Heinlein -

"Imagine a world in which the United States was stricken by a successful series of nuclear, biological, and chemical attacks. Putting aside the appalling loss of American lives this would involve, the global consequences would be horrifying. The world would be plunged into the deepest depression in its history. There would be no power-of-last-resort to uphold international order. Wolf and jackal states would quickly emerge to prey on their neighbors. It would be a world as described by Thomas Hobbes in his Leviathan (1651), in which, deprived of a giant authority figure 'to keep them all in awe,' civilization would break down, and life, for most of mankind, would be 'nasty, brutish and short.' Hence, we do well to look at the crisis not as solely or even primarily an American problem, but as a global one. We need a Leviathan figure now much more than in the 17th century, when the range of a cannon was a maximum of two miles and its throw-weight was measured in pounds. America is the only constitutional Leviathan we have, which is precisely why the terrorists are striving to do him mortal injury, and the opponents of order throughout the world -- in the media, on the campus, and among the flat-earthers -- are so noisily opposed to Leviathan's protecting himself."
- Paul Johnson -

"If we don't change direction, we're going to end up where we're 
heading"
- Ruben Snake -

"Everything is Dual; everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half-truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled."
- The Kybalion -

"History teaches us that it is not the rebels or dissenters who endanger society but rather the unthinking, the unquestioning, the obedient, the silent, and the indifferent."
- Professor Leon Litwack -

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: We and other wealthy nations are committed to the global pyramid scheme we call capitalism. That means we are committed to infinite economic growth on a finite planet. And that puts us on a collision course with Mother Nature. 

Deal with Al Qaeda first says Madeleine Albright.

An editorial in the Iraqi weekly Al-Iqtisadi [The Economist], which is owned by Saddam Hussein's eldest son Uday, called for the formation of suicide [fidaiyoon] squads to launch broad-based sabotage operations against the United States, its friends, and interests if NBC cancels Friends.

Of course the best way to get rid of those frustrations is to torture a teddy bear.

Excellent essays from major writers on Why I Write.

Okay, California Governor Gray Davis is a putz, but his opponent in the upcoming election, Bill Simon, is a WAY bigger putz with a LOT more money and the backing of the smirking chimp. Stop him.

Yes, it's time to bomb Saddam (to the tune of All Together Now)

Want to win some free sea monkeys? All you've got to do is come up with the sexiest sentence alive.

Oh, by the way, robots can now reproduce.