With the death of New Times, L.A. is now a one-alternative-paper town (the L.A. Weekly), which fills me with ambivalence.
    I was at the Weekly during its first 10 years, back when it came out of a two story house near Sunset and Western, helping shape it into an alternative with a sense of humor. Then the paper was sold and everyone old was out. It eventually ended up under the auspices of the Village Voice, turning it into the similar humorless screed it remains today. They've printed me on anniversaries where I commented on old stories, but other than that, they've turned down every single submission I've made since. 
    So I went over to New Times, a brand new paper with a sense of humor, and they gave me a cover story, then mysteriously turned down everything else, including a sequel that ended up on the cover of the Desert Post Weekly. 
    Figuring an "alternative newspaper" could make use of some of the information I dig up, I gave their managing editor, Jack Cheevers, a subscription to dIsInFoTaInMeNt ToDaY and here are a few of his comments. lack of capitals intact: "ugh, more sludge from my favorite moron" "on second thought, mike, your stuff doesn't even rise to the level of sludge. it's more like kibble" "if i read your gaseous literary emissions, i'd probably go insane! you don't want that on your hands, now do you, mike?" "get off your fat ass and start engaging the world." "get a job, for chrissakes. your family must be ashamed of you." "Helen A. Handbasket? damn, that's clever, mike. have you ever considered just killing yourself? i'll give you the barbituates." (Okay, I've got to comment on this one. Putting down Helen because her name is a bad pun is like putting down Spinal Tap for making bad music. That's the whole point. What do you expect from hell, GOOD puns?) "can you please stop sending me this crap? i'd really really appreciate it." 
    Though I mourn some of the voices that have been silenced, go ahead and ask me whether I'm sad this guy is out of work. Hey Jack, get a job, for chrissakes. Your family must be ashamed of you.

Last issue I asked for help finding one single pro-Bush site that was ENTERTAINING.

I got this...

"because we don't HAVE to do stupid little jingles in order to get votes!!! WE REPUBLICANS don't stoop to such immature levels!!!!! DUH!"
- Yatyasjarhead@aol.com - 

How to say Oh my god! There's an ax in my head in 102 different languages.

The Wall Street Journal thinks Spongebob Squarepants is gay.

In an unprecedented move, the United States Congress has granted President George W. Bush the authority to use military force in all future conflicts in which someone has been bad to him or members of his family. More...

While we attack Saddam Hussein for using chemical weapons against his own citizens, the United States Department of Defense has petitioned the UN for a ruling on the use of its new compressed high potency Valium gas for the purposes of domestic riot control. 

"By hearing ye shall hear, and shall not understand; and seeing ye shall see, and shall not perceive."
- Matthew 13:14 -

Fake Terror: The Road to Dictatorship

Tired of obvious product placement in movies? Get ready for product placement in novels.

Conservative Petitions has a petition to stop stem-cell research, a petition to stop the NPR, a petition to put school prayer back in schools, and dozens more horrifying ideas.

The National Institute of Health is planning to spend $24 million on a retirement facility for chimpanzees. “This Club Med for monkeys illustrates how easy it is for government bureaucrats to go bananas with other people’s money,” said Libertarian Party Communications Director George Getz. “Amazingly, these chimps will get better treatment in their golden years than the chump taxpayer.” 

Honorable mention for wasted tax dollars:

* $750,000 for grasshopper research in Alaska. 

* $2 million to house a worm collection at the Smithsonian museum in Washington, DC. 

* $400,000 to study manure management at the National Swine Research Center in Iowa. 

* $4.2 million for a shrimp aquiculture research project in six states. 

* $400,000 for the Montana Sheep Institute. (maybe we'll finally find out if they like anal sex)

If you're in a hospital and a lactation technician offers hands-on assistance, don't let him.

Here's the page Saddam is studying right now - an in depth flash with really cool graphics showing precisely the U.S options concerning invading Iraq.

Is there an anti-Rush Limbaugh? You bet. Check out Maria Heller.

Dear Dr. Hollywood,
 

I began writing scripts for The Simpsons a few years back and have many episodes ready to go for animation. I actually sent one to Matt Groening (creator of The Simpsons), but never expected to hear back from him since FOX's web site said they will not even look at materials without an agent. Since then, I have moved into writing movies and have my first one near completion. I'm wondering how to go about finding an agent. I'm located in the Midwest, and had hoped to find someone in the Chicago area. I was also wondering if writers who intend on doing this full time need to move to an LA or New York to become successful? 

Sincerely, 

Gregg

Dear Gregg,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

You've got as much chance going to Hollywood and writing for The Simpsons as you have going to Houston and becoming an astronaut. The Simpsons is written by the guys who write The Simpsons. Forget it.

One strange rule of television is that you shouldn't submit a writing sample for a show to the actual show, i.e. submit your Drew Carey writing sample to Just Shoot Me, not Drew Carey. Why? Because the producers of Drew Carey know so much more about the show than you do that they are much more likely to pick up on mistakes. You could easily have a character say something that they know he would never say, or have a plotline they've already rejected, and suddenly you're history. So you've already broken rule #1. On the other hand, writing for the big screen you've actually got a chance of someone buying it and making it the way you wrote it. 

If your goal is to make Hollywood movies, there is absolutely no place you can be other than Hollywood. Writers in particular have to make endless pitches and take endless meetings. It's ALL personal contacts. Think about the best possible thing that could happen after someone reads your script. They want to meet you. You've got to be at their office in five minutes. Can't do it from the Midwest. Remember, whatever gig you're going after, there are at least 1,000 others in line ahead of you, with more experience, better resumes, and, most importantly, they're HERE.

It's pretty much the same thing with getting an agent. Unless an agent has a client who recommends you, they will not read you. You've only got one script and you want an agent? Forget it. They want writers with a dozen scripts, one in every genre, things they can pitch all over the place. They want clients who will bring them commissions on endless sales, not just one. If they send your script to someone who says "I like the writing but don't want to make the movie," they want to be able to send over another of your scripts IMMEDIATELY.

Writing for the films is a profession. It's full time. If you don't absolutely devote yourself to it, get to Los Angeles, and start taking meetings, you don't have a chance.

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

October 14, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

CARTOON FROM HELL

 

VIDEO GAME FROM HELL

Inspired by the commercial success of the United States Army’s "Boot Camp" video game, the General Staff of the French Army has announced plans to market Ultimate Surrender, a video game based upon the proud military traditions of the Gauls.

JOINT RESOLUTION FROM HELL

Joint Resolution to Authorize the use of United States Armed Forces Against Iraq. 

Whereas the nation of Iraq has substantial oil and gas reserves...

Read the rest here.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

"We lack the complete picture, but it is painfully evident that key information from the intelligence community was ignored or suppressed. Many of the men who obtained and handled these secrets were haunted by the knowledge that they had information that could have averted this tragedy. Some had simply passed the information on to their superiors and never questioned what was done with it. Others had to be ordered to keep silent." 

They're talking about 9/11, right? Nope, they're talking about Pearl Harbor.

LEGISLATION FROM HELL

If Sen. Fritz Hollings' Consumer Broadband and Digital Television Promotion Act passes, you'll have to install government censorship devices in your digital answering machine, your Wallace and Gromit talking alarm clock, your TinkleToonz Musical Potty, your Shop With Me Barbie toy cash register, and other digital devices listed here.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

To bake or microwave potatoes more quickly, soak them for about 20 minutes in salt water before baking.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Is it (America) saying, in a sense, that might is right? Is there something called the rule of law? Is there an international law, which acts to rein in power so that power is accountable? Do you find this doctrine of pre-emptive strikes frightening? It is scary in the sense that if it is legitimate and valid, then we'd have a heck of a business holding back mavericks saying, 'Such-and-such country harbors terrorists and is posing a threat to us.' India and Pakistan, I think, are particular examples where it is going to be very difficult to say to them, 'No, you can't.'" 
- From an excellent interview with Bishop Desmond Tutu -

"It's easier to get forgiveness than permission."
- Jimmy Carr -

"At the end of the game, the pawn and the king go back in the same box."
- Italian Proverb -

"I believe in compulsory cannibalism. If people were forced to eat what they killed there would be no more war."
- Abbie Hoffman -

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage - to move in the opposite direction."
- Albert Einstein -

"The guns and the bombs, the rockets and the warships, are all symbols of human failure."
- Lyndon B Johnson -

"Never has there been a good war or a bad peace."
- Benjamin Franklin -

"The administration isn't targeting Iraq because of 9/11. It's exploiting 9/11 to target Iraq." 
- blah3.com -

"It is both possible and moral, to love one's country and hate its government." 
- Dr. Walter Williams , George Mason University Economics Dept. -

"Most people think they're thinking when they're really just rearranging their prejudices." 
- Oliver Wendell Holmes -

"I gotta get my life some writers."
- Calvin & Hobbes -

"I can't understand why you use a computer when you have so much talent."
- artist R. Crumb to artist Trici Venola -

"So, let me get this straight: Bush is saying he wants to invade Iraq, and Iraq is, like, trying to talk him out of it? Is this how invasions are usually handled?"
- Audra Franks, Homemaker -

SONG FROM HELL

Irresolution Blues
(To be sung to "I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter" by Fred Ahlert & Joe Young) 
By Madeleine Begun Kane

I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution. 
And make believe it's right to do. 

The GOP is tough to beat. 
I'm scared to go down in defeat. 
And so I kissed George Bush's bottom. 
Please don't think I'm rotten. 

I'm gonna smile and say "Please give me absolution." 
And beg for bucks and votes from you. 
I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution 
And make believe it's right to do. 

Didn't want to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution. 
It really made me feel quite blue. 

The GOP is tough to beat. 
I need to hold on to my seat. 
And so I said "Bush, go get Saddam." 
Although war's misbegotten. 

I'm gonna smile and say "Please give me absolution." 
And beg for bucks and votes from you. 
I had to rubber stamp that Iraq resolution.
And make believe it's right to do.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Since Congress won't bother to do it, we'll have to make do with The People's Investigation of 9/11 by Carol Brouillet.

    For all Americans who never travel and are always bragging about how we're the best country on earth, Salon has an article on how Norway would be improved if George W. Bush got his hands on it. 
    "After more than half a century of high-quality, universal and equal healthcare treatment for all, Norwegians will adopt the more elegant pay-as-you-go American system. The best medicine will be reserved for those who can afford it."
    The rest of the article is for subscribers to Salon's "premium" service since Salon has adopted the elegant pay-as-you-go American system. The best articles are reserved for those who can afford them. 
    If any out there have this service, you have my permission to copy the article and send it to me. 

NOT on Salon's premium service is this spectacular speech given by National security expert William M. Arkin on Sept. 25 to the U.S. Naval War College. He makes the solid argument that Osama and Saddam pose real threats, but the Bush administration is too incompetent - and too arrogant - to stop them.

A chickenhawk is someone only interested in sending OTHER people's children off to war while protecting their own ass. Check out the chickenhawk hall of fame. 

They're calling it something else but the National ID card is coming.

You know that flight school in Florida where Mohamed Atta learned to fly? Turns out it ain't no ordinary flight school. Turns out the airfield has a long history of being used as a training base for paramilitary operations by federal authorities, that it has been utilized in covert U.S. operations since the earliest days of the Cold War, and was even targeted by the Soviet Union in the event of nuclear war. The federal activity continues to this day. Read the whole story at TheMadCowMorningNews.

The official story on Iraq has never made sense. The connection that the Bush administration has tried to draw between Iraq and al-Qaida has always seemed contrived and artificial. In fact, it was hard to believe that smart people in the Bush administration would start a major war based on such flimsy evidence. The pieces just didn't fit. Something else had to be going on; something was missing. In recent days, those missing pieces have finally begun to fall into place.

Ever want to ride on NASA's famous Vomit Comet - the 747 that mimics outer space weightlessness? You can't, but next year there could be commercially available Zero-G flights.

Jack M. Balkin is Knight Professor of Constitutional Law and the First Amendment at Yale Law School, and he thinks The Most Dangerous Person on Earth is not who Bush would like you to think it is.

Hooray, even MSNBC has picked up on Ashcroft's Baghdad Connection.

Forget what he said on 60 Minutes, see it for yourself. Here's a RealTime video (7MB) or a downloadable Quicktime video (26MB) of how the man pretending to be the President of the United States actually reacted upon being told his country was being attacked.

Read about how Bush got tangled up in his lies about 9/11 during a very strange press conference.

Meet the man who's got the balls to say "I’m the governor of the fucking state of Wisconsin!"

Here's a suicide bomber's father who says Let Hamas and Jihad Leaders Send Their Own Sons.

Anybody who was the least bit snookered by Bush's war speech has absolutely got to check this out.

If you don't vote Democratic this election, one man will control all three branches of government.

According to this doctor, George W. Bush has Antisocial Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder, and Dependent Personality Disorder.

Looks like George W. Bush had a homosexual experience he's not telling us about.

Now he spends his time working out war strategy in his backyard sandbox.

A children's story for bedtime, read about the day that Al Gore made George W. Bush cry.

Harry Shearer's latest Le Show has a great rant against Colin Powell's son in charge of the FCC.

Don't miss the Whoops-O-Matic, which proves we could beat Saddam if we only had a Delorean.

If Saddam really is as dangerous as Bush says, that means our sanctions (read about them at The Iraqi Peacebuilding Program), which have killed millions of Iraqi babies (according to UNICEF) were completely pointless.

Would it surprise you to hear that right wing billionaires and Republican campaign operatives make the machines that count the votes? I didn't think so.

Rep. Ron Paul seems to be the only sane man in congress, and he's from Texas!

Urge your senators to vote against judicial nominees who are hostile to values of freedom, reproductive choice, privacy and justice.

Oh, by the way, the Cook Propulsion Engine doesn't need any fuel.