Hope
by Michael Dare

It was 30 years ago today that I gave up hope. I had gotten personally involved in the election of 1972, the fight between George McGovern and Richard Nixon. Like today, it seemed like the fate of the world was at stake, not to mention my own scrawny neck. I was 21, it was my first chance to vote in a national election, the war in Vietnam was raging, thousands of kids my age were coming home in body bags, the war was clearly wrong, and McGovern was totally against it, promising to stop it and bring our soldiers home alive.

The day of the election, I did what the Democratic Party told me to do. I actively helped them get out the vote, actually going to people's houses and making sure they voted, making hundreds of calls as if it were a matter of life or death, because it was. I went to sleep with high hopes that McGovern would take office and the war in Vietnam would end.

The next morning, this graphic was all over the news...

 
and my sense of political fervor died. I actually cried over the results of an election. It was hopeless. How could we win against such overwhelming numbers? And as I look at today's numbers, I can't help but think that yes, things could actually be worse. The Republicans could have won absolutely every race in every state. And despite the 1972 election results, the war DID end and Nixon resigned in disgrace.

My sense of political fervor got reborn two years ago when I saw my country stolen by the forces of evil. I was writing a cute little column that made fun of celebrity gossip, but more and more my heart wasn't in it, and since nobody was paying me for the column anyway, I started listening to my heart, which told me to fight back, forget the pain of 30 years ago, get involved again. And that's what I've been doing, though this time I was a little bit more prepared to get my heart broken.

As I've gotten older, I find I'm always searching for a common meeting ground between opposing viewpoints, so in addition to culling from the hundreds of alternative lists I subscribe to, I headed myself out into the great Republican wild to find those common meeting grounds. I knew there were conservatives against drugs AND the drug war. Maybe there were conservatives against abortion AND pro-choice. Didn't find any.

I did find a difference I wasn't looking for. When "actor" Charlton Heston makes pro-gun pronouncements like "guns don't kill people," liberals/Democrats don't make it personal. They attack the facts behind his statements. They use statistics to find holes in his philosophy. They actually try to prove him wrong. They don't attack him because he's an "actor." They don't say "What the hell does Moses know?" They deal with the actual issue.

But when Woody Harrelson makes anti-government pronouncements like "Dick Cheney and Haliburton sold Hussein his chemical weapons," conservative/Republicans make it totally personal. They ignore the facts behind his statements. They don't use statistics to find holes in his philosophy. They don't try to prove him wrong by showing that Cheney DIDN'T sell weapons to Hussein. They attack him because he's an "actor." They say "What is he smoking?" They don't deal at all with the actual issue. They just assume he's wrong, they're right, and you should trust them.

And apparently that's the tactic that works, the one where the listener doesn't actually have to think, the one where all they have to do is believe and do what they're told like good little sheep.

George Bernard Shaw said "The minority is sometimes right, the majority is always wrong," and I can't argue with that. Democracy is dead in America. The Republicans own the media, the judges, and the ballot boxes. The whole thing is fixed. We cannot overwhelm them with numbers. Forget elections. We must overwhelm them with spirit. We must acknowledge that they contain within themselves the seed of their own destruction, and we must water that seed, sometimes even fertilize it. That's what I do. I crap on the seeds of their destruction.

The serenity prayer says "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference." I agree except for one thing. God's got nothing to do with it. You've got to grant YOURSELF the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. You have to find the courage WITHIN YOURSELF to change the things you can. You must use YOUR OWN INITIATIVE to find the wisdom to know the difference. God doesn't grant anything. You've got to DECIDE not to be a sheep.

And so before you look at the election results and consider suicide or moving out of the country or watching the Anna Nicole Smith Show or something equally heinous, I tell you do not despair. I ask you not just to seriously consider Gandhi's words, but to take them to heart. "When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have always been tyrants and murderers, and for a time they can seem invincible. But in the end, they always fall. Think of it, always."

Fan mail for "Hope."

 

Special Republican Hoax Bulletin

I first got forwarded this from a reader, obviously someone of discretion and taste, on 11/3 at 1:16AM. They added the intro "Do you believe this?" 
 

    President Bush and a Republican House of Representatives are all that stand  in the way of gay marriage becoming legal in America, the legal lowering of the  age of sexual consent, and the final elimination of "sodomy" laws in all fifty states. 
    If you don't get out and vote DEMOCRATIC, we as gay Americans will lose  our influence to push through gay marriage in the Senate and the right for  even gay teens to have sex whenever and with whomever they want. If you  vote, Democrats could gain control of the House! Imagine Barney Frank  as Chairman of the House Judiciary Committee. It would be a far cry from the days of Henry Hyde. They'll be no stopping us! 
    Right now, Jim Jeffords (Thank goodness for Vermont!), Tom Daschle, and  our Democratic friends in the Senate are all that is stopping President Bush  from getting his judicial nominees on the bench. Bush-appointed judges  are the last thing sexually diverse people want. 
    Whether you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered, or just sympathetic  towards our rights, please get out and vote Democratic this November 5th! 
    Whether the Democratic Senate candidate is gay-friendly or not, you  need to vote for that Democrat. When push comes to shove, new Senate  and House members follow the leadership, and the Democratic leadership are ALWAYS in our corner! 
    Wouldn't it be wonderful if openly gay married couples lived on every  block and in every apartment building in America! 
    Wouldn't it be wonderful if your child had an openly gay teacher! 
    Wouldn't be wonderful if every word that attacks our rights was a crime! 
    It'll never happen unless you get out and vote Democratic November 5th!

I just dismissed it as a wacko piece of gay propaganda, not really giving it the attention it deserved. 

Then, it came again at 3:30PM, only this time it was from bushcountry.com, who added the following intro...
 

Bush Country was just forwarded the following email from one of our site visitors. The email is from a website called Gay America to their subscribers and shows just how entrenched Democrats are with the Gay movement. The title of the email was "Gay Rights or the Republicans, You Decide"! 

Bush Country thought it quite appropriate that we ask our site visitors the same thing and ask you read this email to see why voting this November 5th is so important to America's future! Please read and then vote! Email Sent From GayAmerica.com to their subscribers: 

Go to gayamerica.com and you'll find invitations to look at gay pornography, go to the gay Mardi Gras, or just cruise gaybars.com or gaytexas.com. It's a directory site, pointing gays to all the gay places on the Internet, making it look like gays are taking over America. The one thing missing is any place to sign up for any sort of mass mailing, but there was an e-mail address at the bottom. I wrote and asked if they had written the letter. Just got this response.
 

Dear Mr. Dare,

GayAmerica.COM did not send, nor does it condone the wording being attributed to GayAmerica.COM.

Apparently, evil is at work to discredit GayAmerica.Com which serves as an informational Web site for Gays, Lesbians, Bisexuals and Transgenders.

GayAmerica.COM does not even have a subscriber list.

The bogus e-mail is attributed to Jordan@gayamerica.com. GayAmerica.COM does not offer e-mail services to anyone.

Sincerely,
Rip Naquin-Delain
Webmaster

Genius. It's all brilliantly clear. It's not an attempt to "discredit GayAmerica.Com," it's a devious piece of "get out the vote" propaganda from the Republican Party, a hoax designed to foment anti-gay fervor among the more Mongoloid members of their party who won't recognize the parts of it that are blatant lies and ridiculous distortions but who will entirely focus upon "Wouldn't it be wonderful if your child had an openly gay teacher!" This will cause them to foam at the mouth and mumble "Ain't no faggot gonna teach little Festus!" And they will run out and vote for every Republican on the ballot while still sending little Festus to church every Sunday to get buggered by Father McReady.

Nobody gets out the idiot vote like the Republicans. I can't even imagine what the Democratic version of this would be, not only because Democrats aren't devious enough, but because most of the exaggerated claims about conservative Republicans are completely true.

The sad thing?

It's going to work.

Forget acid rain. Forget the hole in the ozone layer. The latest environmental disaster is fertilizer falling from the sky.

I've been invited to join the Illuminati.

If you're going to accuse a man of rape, make sure he doesn't have a penis that's only one inch long.

Don't miss chapter one of Harry Shearer's Dick Cheney: Confidential - "Hostages and Snipers"

This amazing, but now hideously out of date, audio file reveals what actually was said in the garbled phone calls from the DC Snipers (300k).

The Mystery of the Ruby Tooth by Eric Deckers gives The Firesign Theater a run for their money.

When a group of Gulf War veterans had a news conference at the National Press Club in Washington on October 24 to point out some of the consequences of war in the gulf, including conditions leading to the sickness of 128,000 Gulf War veterans in 1991, the media did not show up.

According to OJ Simpson, the DC area snipers were responsible for the deaths of Nicole Simpson and Ron Goldman.

Google's got a brand new service where you type in any items in any list and it completes the list for you. Try "war" and "peace," not "fellatio" and "cunnilingus," you perv.

The leader of the London-based Iraqi National Congress, Ahmed Chalabi, has met executives of three US oil multinationals to negotiate the carve-up of Iraq's massive oil reserves post-Saddam.

Sean Penn sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Michael Moore sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Woody Harrelson sent a nice open letter to George W. Bush. Unfortunately, all of these letters were on a reading level far beyond George W. Bush, so they were useless. To teach him a lesson about abuse of power, it is necessary to send him something he can actually read. Please send a copy of Dr. Seuss's Yertle the Turtle to George W. Bush. The future of our nation depends upon it.

If Bush in any way signaled to the Taliban that we had plans to invade Afghanistan, then bin Laden's attack on 9/11 was a pre-emptive strike, caused by Bush, using a tactic Bush is now showing that he wholeheartedly approves of.

Hey, am I the only one who was entirely on the side of the Chechen rebels in their brief occupation of a theater in Moscow? What the fuck is Russia doing in Chechnya? The same thing England's doing in Ireland. They should pull out immediately, but instead they're using the incident to push for more war. Further proof that escalation breeds nothing but escalation, retaliation further retaliation.

"What was that FBI intelligence expert working on prior to her murder in the Home Depot parking lot?"
- Barry Crimmins -

News Item: Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. announces it will fire 480 workers from its 59-year-old plant in Omaha, Neb., and move their jobs to Mexico, where workers are paid $12.77 a day.

News Item: Goodyear Tire & Rubber Co. announces winners of essay contest that asked youths to write on the subject, "What the Spirit of America Means to Me," as Sam Gibara, chairman and CEO, congratulates the youths on their "deep patriotism and immense pride in this nation and its people."

Thank God somebody has made a music video out of John Ashcroft's soul stirring rendition of The Mighty Eagle Soars.

It turns out dark matter rules the universe.

Arf Gartfunkle

For your consideration, in the tradition of Aaron Copeland and Van Dyke Parks, An American Piece, by Michael Dare (1.5 meg)

Here's a directory of every online pinball game.

Here's the case for the fact that somebody has been combining human and extra-terrestrial DNA.
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

My name is Jemika from Minnesota. Please, please tell me you can help me. I have a great idea for a game show. It's the greatest idea since wheel of fortune...hmmm really. I just need to know how and who can I submit this idea to. I have been giving private parties for the last two months playing this game and people love it. What's so good about it is that people want to play this game. It's a old favorite with a twist nothing, I mean nothing is like it on tv right now It's a winner for sure I just need some helpful info on how to get started. Once I have cross all my T's and dotted my I's  I would like share this idea with you and the world. 

Thank you for your time,
Jemika

Dear Jemika,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

Know how Wheel of Fortune ended up on the air? Because Merv Griffin thought of it. It was his idea. He hired writers, actors, a director, build a set, shot it, and showed it to a network. He made millions because it was his idea and he did something with it. He wouldn't have made as much if it hadn't been his idea, which is why people like Merv Griffin like to run with their own ideas. 

Actual professional game show producers have staffs of the best writers they can get, writers with decades of experience, dozens of creative people sitting around every day doing nothing but coming up with ideas for game shows. Of the thousands of ideas they've sifted through, you think it's possible they never thought of your idea? If it's a common game, they have already spent hours trying to come up with a TV version. The only reason they would need you is if you option the TV rights to the original game so they HAVE to come to you. (This is a serious option if you're serious. Somebody along the way is going to HAVE to buy the rights to the underlying game. Might as well be you.) The last thing on earth a professional TV producer is looking for is ideas from the outside.

Ideas are worthless. Write a script and there's a minimum they have to pay you, but there's no minimum for ideas. Nobody in Hollywood is looking for an idea for anything because they're quite literally not worth anything. When's the last time you saw a credit for "idea?" Everyone in Hollywood has too many ideas of their own to bother with yours. 

Here's a little quiz.

Having an idea for a game show is exactly like...

a) having an idea for a car.
b) having an idea for a mass market food item.
c) having an idea for the space shuttle.
d) having an idea for a skyscraper.
e) all of the above.

Think about it. They're all multi-million dollar industries. It's like you're telling me you've got a great recipe for a cookie that all your friends agree is the best cookie they've ever had, and you want to know how you can get it on millions of grocery store shelves in between Famous Amos and Mrs. Fields.

Simple answer. You can't, at least not without spending millions of dollars and opening shops first. 

Don't ever expect anybody else to run with your ideas. You will never find anyone on earth who is more in love with your ideas than you are. The only thing you can do with your idea is use it. Execution is all that counts. What you do with the idea. Absolutely nobody on earth, including me, will be impressed by the fact that people in your living room like your idea. Believe me, a lot of people had THE IDEA of creating an auction site on the net, but the only person that counts is the one who took that idea and personally created eBay.

The answer's right in front of you. Figure out how to make it work on the net. Register YOURGAME.COM, and see how many players you can attract. As soon as you're up to 10,000 a day, THEN someone will be impressed with the idea of your game. That's how You Don't Know Jack ended up on television. If your game can't even attract players on the net, how can you expect it to attract viewers on TV?

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

November 4, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

ELECTION ADVICE FROM HELL

Yep, it's time to hold your nose and vote Democratic.

CARTOON FROM HELL

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

At Central Alternative High School, the kids now behave. The hallways aren't frantic. Even the teachers are happy. 

The school used to be out of control. Kids packed weapons. Discipline problems swamped the principals office, but not since 1997. 

What happened? Did they line every inch of space with cops? Did they spray valium gas in the classrooms? Did they install metal detectors in the bathrooms? Did they build holding cells in the gym? Did they invite drug sniffing dogs? No. Click here to find out what they did.

SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE REWRITE FROM HELL

TROUBLE
with apologies to Meredith Wilson

Well either you are closing your eyes to a situation you do not wish to acknowledge, or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated by the presence of a Republican in the White House. 

Well, you got trouble my friend. Right here, I say, trouble right here in America. Why sure I'm a voter, certainly mighty proud to say, I'm always mighty proud to say it. I consider that the hours I spend in a voting booth are golden. Help ya cultivate horse sense, and cool head and a keen eye. Did you ever take and try to punch through a dimpled chad when you're black and living in Florida? But just as I say it takes judgment, brains and maturity to put somebody in office, I say that any boob can take and shove a ballot in a ballot box. 

And I call that cheating, the first big step on the road to the depths of degrada- - I say first, personal checks by the teaspoon, then corporate checks by the bottle. And the next thing you know your President is playing for money in a pinch back suit and listening to some big out of town jasper here to talk about Kyoto protocols. Not a wholesome American protocol, no, but a protocol that hits him right in the paycheck. Like to see some stuck up Yale boy sitting in the oval office? 

Make your blood boil? Well, I should say. Now friends, let me tell you what I mean. Ya got one, two, three, four, five, six names on a ballot. Names that mark the difference between intelligent and dumb, with a capital D and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

And all week long your American youth will be fritterin' away I say your young men will be fritterin. Fritterin away their noon time, supper time, chore time too. Get some money in the bank, never mind getting dandelions pulled or the screen door patched or the beef steak pounded. Never mind pumping any water till your parents are caught with a cistern empty on a Saturday night and that's trouble. Yes you got lots and lots of trouble. I'm thinking of the kids in the kindergarten, shirt tailed young ones. Peeking in the rich folk's window after school. You got trouble, Folks! Right here in America. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

Now I know all you folks are the right kind of parents. I'm going to be perfectly frank. Would you like to know what kind of conversation goes on while they're hanging in the oval office? They'll be raising taxes on your cigarettes while smoking Havanas like commy fiends. And bragging all about how they're gonna cover up a tell-tale conspiracy with CNN. One fine night, they leave the White House, heading for the shelter at the armory, Republican men and scarlet women, safe from the bomb, shameless actions that will drive your son, your daughter to the arms of what you better be building, bomb shelter. Friends the Bush's brain is the devil's playground. Trouble! O-ho we got trouble. Trouble with a Capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for Bush.

Mothers of America. Heed this warning before it's too late! Watch for the telltale signs of Republicanism. The minute your son leaves the house, does he use his laptop for insider trading? Is there a nicotine stain on his index finger? A million bucks hidden in the Caymans? Is he starting to memorize jokes from Rush Limbaugh? Are certain wooooords creeping into his conversation? Words like "stategery?" A-ha! And "pre-emptive strike?" 

If so my friends. . .ya got trouble!
Right here in America. Right here!
With a capital T
And that rhymes with B
And that stands for Bush

BUMPERSTICKER FROM HELL

From Masturbate for Peace
Alternative bumperstickers
Stop human loss, give yourself a toss 
Ignore Bush's war calls, play with your balls 
For peace to work, you need to jerk 
War is heinous, thumb your anus 
Three times a day keeps war at bay 
Attack your crack, not Iraq! 
You Can't Beat Off with Nuclear Arms 
War is Mean, Flick Your Bean 
War is wrong. Whack your schlong. 
My 'friendly fire' harms no-one 
Semen cleans off of hands easier than blood 
Palms Not Bombs 
I'm going blind for Mankind 
War is silly, whack your willy 
Think globally, whack locally 

DRUG FROM HELL

Read about DHMO and ask yourself whether you're happy it's in baby food.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Foil wrapped baked potatoes should never be left at room temperature.

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of the following quotes is entirely false.

"Confidence in our economy depends upon us holding people to account if they're not honest with the people. That's the kind of leadership you need in Nashville and that's the kind of leadership you've got in Washington."
- GW Bush -

"The president continues to have confidence in Harvey Pitt."
- Ari Fleischer -

"Canada has this odd system where the one who gets the most votes gets to run the country, which we should try here in America some time."
- Paul Begala, Crossfire, 10/31/02 -

"What's the difference between Adolf Hitler and George W. Bush? 
Answer: Hitler was elected."
- Paul Krassner -

"Let's hear no more about this bizarre cover-up."
- Principal Skinner on The Simpsons -

"Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly coming to a middle."
- Capt. Mal Reynolds on Firefly -

"It's not enough to say God Bless America, it should be God Bless EVERYONE."
- Meria Heller -

"Today the real test of power is not the capacity to make war but the capacity to prevent it."
- Anne O'Hare McCormick -

"Education is a better safeguard of liberty than a standing army."
- Edward Everett -

"If the government of the people abandon any of the principles of which gave birth to our Nation, then we must take our government back and deliver it to the hands of the people."
- Thomas Jefferson, 1800 -

"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"
- Aleksander Solzhenitsyn -

"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth."
- Oscar Wilde -

"Our country is for sale. The food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe is for sale to the highest bidder. Our safety, our children, our lives are likewise for sale. You don't get health care - you buy health care. You don't get justice - you buy justice, and you sure don't get freedom - you fight for it."
- Marc Ash, truthout.org -

"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men."
- Martin Luther King, Jr. -

"The difference between treason and mutiny is that traitors want to sink the boat while mutineers simply want to get rid of the captain. Mutineers are patriots; traitors are not. I am a mutineer, not a traitor."
- Benedict Arnold -

"The population of this country is 237 million and 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.  Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are also 1,211,998 people in prisons.  That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me.  And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes..."
- David Prince -

"Do you think you've learned from your mistakes?"
"Yes. I'm sure I could repeat them exactly."
- Peter Cook and Dudley Moore -

"Kid, I'm a zoo clown. Now buy a giraffe or go to hell."
- Malcolm in the Middle -

CHARITY FROM HELL

This Christmas, why not give to The Committee To Have Bob Hope Declared Legally Dead.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: You've seen excerpts, now read Gore Vidal's entire The Enemy Within. 

Check out the Utne Reader's incredible page devoted to every article, resource, and upcoming protest against the war in Iraq. 

A revolution in energy is coming, but Washington is looking the other way

Rid your system of Republican influence with Colonblow.

Get rid of all those horrible sounds on your computer and replace them with cartoon sounds.

A 20 milligram bottle of the popular anti-depression drug Xanax sells for $136.79, while the cost of the generic active ingredient tops out at less than 3 cents, leaving a markup of 569,958 percent. Go here for the rest of the top ten drug markups.

All out of Epicac but still need to induce vomiting? Try this collection of quotes from Pat Robertson.

Why use that tacky old human dildo when you can get a grizzly bear dildo? Kangaroos, dolphins and raccoons are available too.

Go here, type in your zipcode, and find out what marketers think of you.

The Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense, warns that there will be more terrorist attacks against the American people and civilization at large. We know, as does the Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense, that this statement is an incontrovertible fact, a matter of scientific certainty. And how can we and the Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense, be so sure that there will be more terrorist attacks against the American people and civilization at large? Because these attacks will be instigated at the order of the Honorable Donald H. Rumsfeld, U.S. Secretary of Defense. 

One of many online petitions to stop the war.

Can't figure out how to vote? This flowchart should help.

The Bush administration is rolling back the nation’s environmental and public health laws and policies at a rate never seen before. Laws governing water and air pollution, public lands and national forests, hazardous waste sites, and other subjects of environmental concern have been targeted for substantial weakening or elimination. Without exception, these rollbacks threaten to undo decades of hard-won progress. Read Paybacks.

That flight school in Florida where the terrorists took their lessons might seem like old news, but not to reporter Daniel Hopsicker who keeps digging and digging and coming up with stranger and stranger information, like the owner's big heroin bust in 2000. Pretty suspicious considering Al Qaeda's chief product for export is heroin.

Compare and contrast:
George W.Bush Snubs Senator Paul Wellstone
President Bill Clinton Honors Senator John Chafee
(thanks dburke11)

Even CNN says that Bush's tax cut will only benefit the rich.

Paul Wellstone: Accident or murder?

Was Bush guilty of insider trading at Harken? Decide for yourself.

Mike Hersh explains why Republicans can't keep us safe.

Did U.N. inspectors leave Iraq of their own accord or were they booted out? Check out this amazing collection of dueling media quotes at What a Difference Four Years Makes.

Completely mind-boggling. Go here for the astronomy picture of the day. Be sure to look at this very strange inexplicable thing in the middle of the Sahara Desert that can only be seen from space.

Gee, I wonder why the U.S. is asking the court to dismiss that $1 trillion lawsuit that links the Saudis to Al Qaeda and 9/11?

Hey, the Saudis are our friends who are doing absolutely everything they can to stop terrorism. Who says? The Saudi Embassy, that's who.

You'd have to be a real nerd to think that using a thesaurus can be fun, but not if you use the incredible visual thesaurus.

Not that I recommend such a thing, but here's a Guide to Close Circuit Television Destruction.

It's the final death knell of Democracy when one side controls all the vote counting machines.

Oh, by the way, you don't REALLY have to worry about the honesty of the election. It's being monitored by Russia.