Why I’m Optimistic About the Future
by Paul Krassner

"Every act of love is a change in the universe."
- Aleister Crowley -

Recently, on a beautiful, serene afternoon, I was strolling along the crowded Venice boardwalk, playing my part in God’s ant farm. A common spirit seemed to transcend age, gender, appearance, vocation, ethnicity, language, religion. It was like a mobile oasis; as if a truce had been declared, where inhumanity was replaced by empathy. Despite my awareness of unspeakable anguish occurring around the world, a feeling of hope surged through my body. That kind of epiphany had occurred many times before. 

The first time it happened, I was seven years old. A fellow student stood in front of the class, unzipped his fly, and exposed his penis. He was sent to reform school. Without having the vocabulary to express it, I thought that the punishment didn’t fit the crime. The next morning, I walked to school with a mission. I stood in front of the class, unzipped my fly, and exposed a portrait of my penis that I had drawn the previous evening. While carrying out that self-assigned art homework, I had become engulfed by a blast of pure optimism--I was totally confidant that I would not get in trouble for what I planned to do. My parents were called to school and were advised to take me to a psychiatrist, but they knew better. In retrospect, though, I still have to wonder, What the fuck ever made me do that! If it were to happen now, I would undoubtedly be force-fed Ritalin through a Pez dispenser. 

I never knew when I would experience these flashes of optimism. In December 1960, when I traveled to Cuba, the State Department was financing counter-revolutionary broadcasts from a radio station on Swan Island in Honduras. Program content ranged from telling Cubans that their children would be taken away, to warning them that a Russian drug was being added to their food and milk which would automatically turn them into Communists. In the Sierra Maestra, where battles once raged, there were now under construction schools and dormitories for 20,000 children--to match the 20,000 Cubans who lost their lives, many after torture, under the U.S.-supported Batista regime At one of these educational communities, some young students removed the string that been set up by a landscaping crew to mark off a cement foundation. Next morning, the school director lectured them about such immorality. "Even a little thing like that," he explained, "does harm to the revolution." The children of Cuba were being programmed for cooperation rather than competition, and it made me quiver with hopefulness. 

A recent study concluded that human beings are mentally wired to cooperate, and I witnessed that concept in action at the shadow conventions in Philadelphia and Los Angeles during the 2000 presidential campaign. Once, at a benefit, I met songwriter/troubadour Harry Chapin backstage, and I’ll never forget his words: "If you don’t act like there’s hope, there is no hope." Placebos do work, after all. And yet, in retrospect, I realize that I often acted as if there were no hope. During the 60s, when abortion was illegal, I served as an underground referral service, but I never dreamed that it would become legal in my lifetime. I didn’t like to eat in restaurants or fly in planes because of cigarette smoking, but I never thought it would become illegal in my lifetime. I joined protest demonstrations against the Vietnam War and for civil rights, against circumcision, and for an end to nuclear testing, never speculating as to how effective we were, but always knowing that the option was to do nothing. 

I became obsessed with investigating a government plot to neutralize the countercultural threat to control-freaks and economic-forecasters - the FBI had a special Hippie Squad where they were taught how to roll joints, the better to infiltrate - and I eventually freaked out from information overload. A turning point in this psychotic episode came late one night while talking with an old friend. As we spoke, we were rolling billiard balls back and forth across a pool table in the living room, pushing and catching them with our hands rather than hitting them with a cue-stick and waking up our hosts. 

"How long is it gonna go on?" I asked. 

"How long is what gonna go on?"

"You know, the battle between good and evil, when is it gonna end?"

"Maybe never."

Suddenly I felt a wave of relief. So it wasn’t all my responsibility. Such a heavy burden had been lifted from my soul. I understood that I could participate in the process of change without becoming attached to it. That I could maintain sanity in the midst of insanity by developing the ability to be a passionate activist and an objective observer simultaneously. That I needn’t take myself as seriously as my causes. 

Recently, I asked High Times editor Steve Hager, who is deep into conspiracy research, how he remains optimistic. He replied, "My rule is: Forget about tearing down the establishment (it’ll never happen, the Octopus is too powerful). Instead, concentrate on building an alternative culture and passing it down to anyone who cares. Real ceremonies create positive energy, but when you focus solely on exposing Nazis, you are living in their twisted world." 

Or, as Ram Dass said at the Oregon Country Fair in July, "The greatest social action is the individual heart...heart to heart resuscitation."

Hanging around with him renewed my sense of optimism, but of course that may merely be a result of my damaged chromosomes from taking too many acid trips.
 

From Krassner's column "Brain Control"
 

Who would Jesus sue?
Where would Jesus get his dry cleaning done?
Where would Jesus get his hair cut?
When would Jesus seek therapy?
How would Jesus vote?
What ipo's would Jesus invest in?
What countries would Jesus bomb?
How would Jesus do on The Bachelor?
Would Jesus get his penis enlarged?
What would Jesus think of all the people walking around with replicas of his execution around their necks?
What would Jesus think of priests blowing little boys in his name?
Would Jesus thank himself if he won a Grammy?

This letter from Osama bin Laden was sent to hundreds of subscribers to an email list run by Mohammed al-Massari, the UK-based Saudi Arabian dissident whose Committee for the Defence of Legitimate Rights has opposed the al-Saud regime for more than a decade. It explains exactly what bin Laden's problem is with America, and describes the Islamic nation as "eager for martyrdom" and that further attacks are inevitable.

Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien says Bush is "not a moron."

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."
— George W. Bush, Feb. 21, 2001 -

The United States is increasing military aid to Israel.

 1. Modern Bride
 2. Pregnancy Journal
 3. Working Mother Magazine
 4. Nervous Breakdown Quarterly
 5. Divorce Monthly
 6. Custody Today 

from Ironic Times

Heavenly Pups.

    The total number of reservists currently on active duty in support of the partial mobilization for the Army National Guard and Army Reserve is 25,376; Naval Reserve, 5,330; Air National Guard and Air Force Reserve, 15,440; Marine Corps Reserve, 3,797; and the Coast Guard Reserve, 679. This brings the total Reserve and National Guard on active duty to 50,622 including both units and individual augmentees.
    At any given time, services may mobilize some units and individuals while demobilizing others, making it possible for these figures to either increase or decrease.
- U.S. Department of Defense -

The FBI is already spying on the peace movement.

Environmentalists and scientists, including the U.S. National Academy of Sciences, have warned that growing drug producing crops in open fields and not in laboratories could contaminate the food supply. Drug crops grown on farms across the U.S. today include corn that produces compounds such as untested AIDS and hepatitis B vaccines, a blood clotting agent, and other compounds not meant for human consumption.

Recent lab tests found phthalates (surprise, surprise, they're not good for you) in 72 percent of beauty products tested in the U.S. and Europe, including top selling hair sprays, deodorants and fragrances. None of the products listed phthalates on their labels. "Many people are exposed to multiple doses every day from the range of cosmetics they use, while workers in the cosmetics and beauty industry face triple exposure," says Helen Lynn, health coordinator at the Women's Environmental Network. "Yet because the manufacturers don't have to list phthalates on the product label, it is impossible for the consumer to avoid them."

A 23-year-old first time novelist is one of Rolling Stone's People of the Year.

Still the Maria Heller Show. Mandatory.

The Reverend Tim McIntire does routines you'll NEVER hear on Conan. Too Fat to Hang and Folk Singers are particularly hilarious, but don't listen while your mom is in the room.

The cartoons at Homestar Runner are deceptively simple and totally entertaining. Be sure to check out the "commentaries," which are hilarious satires of pretentious director's tracks on DVDs.

Muslim holy men can't make you invisible.

The FTC gets 70,000 copies of spam a day at uce@ftc.gov.

Deleted Scenes: 
- The famous "ear cutting" sequence between Michael Madsen and Legolas Greenleaf
- Never-before-seen footage of Gandalf the Grey freezing self in block of ice in midtown Manhattan.
- Hot Orc-on-Balrog action

From Modern Humorist

Having your tear ducts removed isn't a good idea.

On November 29, 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an "Honorary Harlem Globetrotter." 

Don't use your own name or Bill Wyman will sue.

Welfare families in Michigan can be required to submit to drug testing, a judge ruled, because the state's interest in not paying for illegal drugs is stronger than a citizen's right to privacy. 

...who thinks the remake of Charade would have worked with George Clooney and Gwyneth Paltrow in the Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn roles?

...who doesn't understand why Hollywood keeps remaking good movies poorly instead of remaking bad movies that need to be done right?

...who thinks they should remake the hideous Man of La Mancha with Jerry Orbach as Don Quixote, as Nathan Lane as Sancho Panza, and J-Lo as Aldonza?

...who thinks they should remake the hideous A Chorus Line with the cast auditioning for the remake of A Chorus Line?

...who thinks McMurphy is as good a part as Hamlet, which they keep remaking, so they should remake One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with Robert Downey Jr. and then again with Jerry Seinfeld.

...who got pissed off at his parents when they said "that isn't music" when he listened to rock 'n' roll, but who said "that isn't music" when his kid listened to rap? (luckily, my kid agreed)

...who yells "Susan Shocks" when it's time for the kids to put on their shoes and socks?

...who thinks American bombers won't stop al Qaeda any more than Israeli tanks have stopped Palestinian suicide bombers?

...who thinks they can see us coming from miles away?

...who tries to get his kid to read his writing but it's no use?

...who puts his Thanksgiving stuffing in between the skin and the outside of the breast instead of in the cavity, giving everyone a nice slide of meat and stuffing together?

...who puts cottage cheese in pancakes?

...who resents the fact that Haagen Dazs was created by an American company who suckered us in with a foreign sounding name?

...who thinks the 10 Commandments should be removed from schools because it's bad advice?

,,,who doesn't understand why I just used three commas instead of three periods?
 

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

I just sold a sizable article on a slice of history from the 1920s but the subject remains stuck in my head. Rather than taking two aspirin, I want to attempt a movie script. My words are not those of someone who wants to "make it in Hollywood." I simply want to write one damn good script - to see if I can do it, to learn the craft, to make the haunting go away -- and then if it takes me somewhere, or leads to another, or even if it just cures me of ever thinking I could write a script, fine. 

Now, here's my dilemma. I don't want to be sued. The real-life characters are all deceased, (well, all but one minor one who is 92), but the story has been written up a few different ways in the past: 

a. The real-life protagonist published his (sketchy) memoirs back in the 30's. His son now owns the copyright. 

b. A few books have been written about his life, including the most comprehensive one, which has just been published. 

c. One book has been written specifically on the event that I'm interested in. It tells less about the main character, but more about the secondary character, his competitor, also a major component. 

My script is not an adaptation of any of the above books exactly, but I've read them all and certainly gain insight, facts, and interesting anecdotes from all of them. I understand you're not a lawyer, but how would you sort out writing a script on a true-life event and avoid getting sued? If I can ease my mind, I will feel free to write with joyous abandon. Thanks so much. 

Lise

Dear Lise,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

Whatever the hell is getting in the way of your writing with joyous abandon, let's get rid of it. 

I was once ordered to stand trial for contempt of court for writing a screenplay based upon a true legal case that was supposed to be sealed. I was found innocent for one reason only; the studio changed the names. It was an interesting irony because I had fought tooth and nail against the name change. If I'd won that battle, I could have gone to jail. 

Nobody owns history. If you've got your own take on some public figure, there's nothing to stop you from writing about it. On the other hand, there's nothing to stop anybody from suing anybody about anything. In the case of film, if it's a hit, the studio's going to get sued anyway unless they ran around nailing down the rights of everything that was ever written about the public figure, which they very well might do if your film ever gets that far. Even then, someone's bound to come out of the woodwork with a lawsuit. 

No matter what, you shouldn't let potential legal problems get in the way of your artistry. How about a pre-emptive strike? Change the name. If he flies around the world, people will know it's about Lindburgh. Put in a scene that definitely isn't Lindburgh. That way you can claim it isn't Lindburgh, for, after all, Lindburgh never shoved a feather duster up his ass and ran around the room dusting things during a press conference. And you're writing on a computer, right? It'll take all of five seconds to search and replace it all back to the real name. 

MD

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

November 26, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

CARTOON FROM HELL

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

The army used often used drugs on their men during what they described as field operations. One classic example is the torture of James Thornwell, a black American soldier stationed in France. In 1961, Thorn well was suspected of stealing classified documents. This and other programs were labeled as, "Operation Third Chance." How many were given LSD without their knowledge we will never know but we do know about Mr. Thornwell. 

Thornwell, who was 22 at the time, became exposed to extreme measures. These included beatings, solitary confinement, denial of food and water, coupled with a constant stream of steady verbal abuse. After six long weeks of this kind of torture, he was given a dose of LSD without his knowledge. Then he was continuously verbally abused and threatened. The interrogators threatened to extend this delusional state indefinitely. According to army documents, they said they would drive him into a permanent state of insanity. 

In the late 1970's when CIA terror tactics became public during the Church Committee hearings, Thornwell learned what had happened to him back in 1961. He sued the US government for 10 million dollars. The case was settled out of court and the House of Representatives approved a compromise settlement of $650,000.

"During the 1980 presidential campaign, for example, the History Channel reports that Ronald Reagan repeatedly expressed a distrust of secret societies and promised that Skull and Bonesman, Council on Foreign Relations (CFR) member and Trilateral Commission alumni George Bush would not be offered a position in his administration. Yet during the Republican Convention, Reagan broke tradition by making a late-night dash from his hotel room to the convention floor and declaring George Bush his running mate. The Iran hostage situation was miraculously resolved the day Reagan was sworn in."
- From How 'Conspiracy Kooks' Became More Credible Than the White House by Maureen Farrell -

ANTI-AMERICANISM FROM HELL

A law banning many common English phrases is awaiting presidential approval in Romania; if signed, the English word "laptop" will be replaced by "an apparatus for putting at the top of the lap," and a "hotdog" will be known as "a kind of sausage on a roll."

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

You can get rid of spyware on your computer with this free program. (Ad-aware 5.83)

ELECTION RESULTS FROM HELL

According to MSNBC, "Marijuana lost big on Election Day. Nevada’s pot legalization proposal took only 39 percent of the vote. An Arizona decriminalization initiative did little better with 43 percent. And a mere 33 percent of Ohioans voted for a measure to treat instead of incarcerate minor drug offenders."

Here's another way of looking at it.

If 39% of Nevada, 43% of Arizona, and 33% of Ohio voted to change marijuana laws, one might make the conservative estimate that at least 33% of the entire population of the United States wants to change marijuana laws. Since the current population of the United States is 288,552,946 that means more than 96 million citizens of the United States think marijuana laws should be changed.

What percentage of the United States Congress thinks marijuana laws should be changed? 33%? 25%? 10%? Nope. 0% Not one single member of congress has openly declared themselves in favor of changing marijuana laws, much less introduced legislation to actually do it, which means the wants of more than 96 million citizens are being totally ignored.

Democracy doesn't work. Discuss.

WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

Satan got Eban.

PUN FROM HELL

That last one.

RECIPE FROM HELL

How does it feel to know that a monkey puppet knows how to make better fruit sorbet than you do, and without an ice cream maker.

SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE REWRITE FROM HELL

Bush
with apologies to Barret Strong, Norman Whitfield, and Edwin Star
 

Bush is someone that I despise
For he means destruction of innocent lives
For he means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes
When their sons go out to fight to give their lives

Bush
Huh?
Good God, ya'll
What is he good for?
Absolutely nothin'

Bush
He's nothing but a heartbreaker
Bush
Friend only to the undertaker
Bush is the enemy of all mankind
The thought of Bush blows my mind
Handed down from generation to generation
Induction destruction
Who wants to die

Bush
What is he good for?
Absolutely nothing
Say it again
Bush
What is he good for?
Absolutely nothing

Bush has shattered many young men's dreams
Made them disabled bitter and mean
Life is too precious to be fighting wars each day
Bush can't give life, he can only take it away

Bush
He's nothing but a heartbreaker
Bush
Friend only to the undertaker
Peace love and understanding
There must be some place for these things today
They say we must fight to keep our freedom
But Lord there's gotta be a better way
That's better than
Bush

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of these statements was never made.

"The aim of the High is to remain where they are. The aim of the Middle is to change places with the High. The aim of the Low, when they have an aim - for it is an abiding characteristic of the Low that they are too much crushed by drudgery to be more than intermittently conscious of anything outside their daily lives  - is to abolish all distinctions and create a society in which all men shall be equal. Thus throughout history a struggle which is the same in its main outlines recurs over and over again. For long periods the High seem to be securely in power, but sooner or later there always comes a moment when they lose either their belief in themselves, or their capacity to govern efficiently, or both. They are then overthrown by the Middle, who enlist the Low on their side by pretending to them that they are fighting for liberty and justice. As soon as they have reached their objective, the Middle thrust the Low back into their old position of servitude, and themselves become the High. Presently a new Middle group splits off from one of the other groups, or from both of them, and the struggle begins over again. Of the three groups, only the Low are never even temporarily successful in achieving their aims. It would be an exaggeration to say that throughout history there had been no progress of a material kind. Even today, in a period of decline, the average human being is physically better off than he was a few centuries ago. But no advance in wealth, no softening of manners, no reform or revolution has ever brought human equality a millimeter nearer. From the point of view of the Low, no historic change has ever meant much more than a change in the name of their masters."
- George Orwell: 1984 -

"No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session."
- Mark Twain -

"[Bin Laden] referred to President George Bush as a modern-day pharaoh, which is heavily weighted in the Koranic text, a lesson that tells of the failure of arrogance and how the pharaohs fell because they thought they were equals to God. So this was a message being sent to the administration in many different ways and to U.S. allies around the world."
- Mike Boettcher -

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower -

"The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions."
-Robert Lynd -

"Mankind must put an end to war, or war will put an end to mankind. War will exist until that distant day when the conscientious objector enjoys the same reputation and prestige that the warrior does today."
- John F. Kennedy -

"Observe good faith and justice toward all nations. Cultivate peace and harmony with all."
- George Washington -

"The President is merely the most important among a large number of public servants. He should be supported or opposed exactly to the degree which is warranted by his good conduct or bad conduct, his efficiency or inefficiency in rendering loyal, able, and disinterested service to the nation as a whole. Therefore it is absolutely necessary that there should be full liberty to tell the truth about his acts, and this means that it is exactly as necessary to blame him when he does wrong as to praise him when he does right. Any other attitude in an American citizen is both base and servile. To announce that there must be no criticism of the President, or that we are to stand by the President, right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public. Nothing but the truth should be spoken about him or anyone else. But it is even more important to tell the truth, pleasant or unpleasant, about him than about any one else."
- Teddy Roosevelt -

"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country. . . . Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow,and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed."
- Abraham Lincoln - 

"This is standard Machiavellian theory in practice. These political and public health problems are created to effect outcomes that have been prepared for in advance and are consistent with economic, political and ideological orientations consistent with population control, better known as genocide. In summary, it is managed chaos and very deadly."
- Dr. Len Horowitz -

"Fascism in America will attempt to advance under the banner of Americanism and anti-Fascism."
- Georgi Dimitrov -

"It is saddening to tell you that you are the worst civilization witnessed by the history of mankind."
- Osama bin Laden 11/24/02 -

"There ought to be limits to freedom."
- George W. Bush (Click here to hear the whole statement.) -

"If a man going down into a river, 
swollen and swiftly flowing, 
is carried away by the current
how can he help others across?" 
- Buddha -

"Individuals have international duties which transcend the national obligations of obedience. Therefore [individual citizens] have the duty to violate domestic laws to prevent crimes against peace and humanity from occurring"
- Nuremberg War Crime Tribunal, 1950 - 

"A common man marvels at the uncommon things; a wise man marvels at the commonplace"
- Confucius -

"If you are a sea creature an oil tanker is a weapon of mass
destruction."
- Barry Crimins -

"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
- George Bernard Shaw -

"Rocks are smarter than cats because rocks have the sense to go away when you kick them."
- Zenon Pylyshyn -

"Fuck Zenon Pylyshyn."
- The cast of Cats -

"Nothing is written."
- Laurence of Arabia -

QUIZ FROM HELL

The next celebrity to run for public office will be...

a) Arnold Schwarzenegger
b) P. Diddy
c) Barbra Streisand
d) Ted Nugent
e) Spongebob Squarepants

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: In A Fascist Fairy Tale circa 1938 by Ted Rall, the story of what happened in Germany in the '30s contains striking similarities to what's happening in America today.

Gain perspective. Turn on your TV and see how biased American media is, then read news about America from Europe and see how biased European media is. 

Mr. Beller's Neighborhood is combination literary magazine, New York City travelogue, and interactive short story collection.

North Korea may have the atomic bomb, but South Korea has this incredible site that gives an interactive tour of a city of the future. Don't worry about downloading the Korean language and just groove on the flash.

Having spent more than $30 million to help elect their allies to Congress, the major drug companies are devising ways to capitalize on their electoral success by securing favorable new legislation and countering the pressure that lawmakers in both parties feel to lower the cost of prescription drugs, industry officials say. 

Gee, I wonder, who would Mohammed marry?

A team of scientists from the New York-based Wildlife Conservation Society (WCS) and Columbia University's Center for International Earth Science Information Network (CIESIN) has produced a new, comprehensive map of the world, showing how human beings directly influence more than three quarters of the earth's landmass.  Published in the latest issue of the scientific journal BioScience, the map should serve as a wake-up call that humans are stewards of the natural world, whether we like it or not.

You thought the story of the downed spacecraft at Roswell, New Mexico, was debunked, over and done with? Not by a long shot.

Not quite as good as Sisyphus, but check out The Myth of GOP Conservatism.

Oh, by the way, you can get rid of telemarketers forever, for free.