None of them are virgins.
He's already married.
He's reincarnated as a Catholic priest and is too busy buggering little boys.
He's too busy working on his lawsuit against the Psychic Hotline.
Jerry Bruckheimer doesn't want him distracted from working on the screenplay of the Koran.
He and Jesus have a "thing."
Ever since his vasectomy, he hasn't been able to get it up.
He's dead.

Perps are fingered by voice recognition software on Law and Order and CSI all the time, but American intelligence experts can only tell us that the new Osama bin Laden tape is "probably" genuine. If they're not sure, is it because the Swiss say the tape is a fake?

The US Government has taken down the site of the TIPS program (but it's saved here) and CNN has taken down the story of protesters outside CNN headquarters (but it's saved here).

- make sure Colin Powell understands the possible repercussions of the Congolese power-sharing agreement. 
- reread Hegel. 
- spend down time listening to Wagner's “Ring Cycle.” 
- test Dick Cheney on his knowledge of Keynesian economic principles. 
- solve London Times crossword. 
- brush up on my Urdu. 
- find out how the parliamentary elections in Kenya this December are shaping up. 
- write rebuttal letter to New York Review of Books regarding use of symbolism in Flaubert's writing. 
- explain to Gerhard Schroder why Iraq is a threat to international stability (in German). 
- discuss the intricacies of advanced calculus with Jenna. 

- from the Chortler -

Amram Mitzna, the mayor of Haifa and a former general, was elected as leader of Israel's Labor Party on a peace platform; Mitzna promised that if elected prime minister he would immediately enter into negotiations with the Palestinian leadership and that he would withdraw all settlers from the Gaza Strip without delay.

Palestinian olive trees are being uprooted to make way for a security fence are being sold illegally to rich Israelis and town councils, sometimes for thousands of pounds each. The illegal trade in olive trees has flourished as Israeli contractors, supported by armed guards, clear Palestinian agricultural land where an 80-mile electronic fence is being built to seal off the West Bank. Thousands of olive trees have been dug up to make way for the 150-ft wide barrier and security zone. Its route usually passes inside Palestinian territory, not along the old pre-1967 border, and thousands of Palestinian farmers say their livelihood is being taken away.

Rooting Out Evil is sending a weapons inspection team to the United States to inspect the chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons produced and concealed by the Bush regime.

This Thanksgiving, American soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines serving abroad consumed $2.3 million worth of traditional holiday fare, including 201,847 pounds of turkey; 131,720 pounds of beef; 114,036 pounds of ham; 6,381 pounds of duck; 9,498 pounds of Cornish hens; 64,676 pounds of seafood; 16,954 cans of sweet potatoes; 67,089 pounds of vegetables; 1,344 boxes of corn-on-the-cob; 8,035 cans of cranberry sauce; 67,895 pies; 4,117 pounds of fruitcake; 24,380 cans of eggnog; 8,299 cans of nuts; and 20,217 pounds of candy.
Source: The US Department of Defense & Cholesterol

The US Campaign to End the Israeli Occupation vs. the American Israeli Public Affairs Committee.

The oil spill off the coast of Spain is an ecological disaster vs. mushrooms could clean up the whole mess.

The Office of Homeland Security vs. make your city or town a Civil Liberties Safe Zone.

The EPA easing regulations governing power plants which definitely cause air pollution vs. the EPA spending $715,000 to determine whether oak trees cause air pollution.

Gore Vidal claiming the Bush Junta was complicit in 9/11 vs. Newsmax claiming Bill Clinton was complicit in 9/11.

Miranda vs. Miranda.

Clone yourself vs. kill yourself.

On the twelfth day of fascism 
John Ashcroft gave to me 
Twelve digital implants 
Eleven years protesting 
Ten less amendments 
Nine internment camps 
Eight surveillance cameras 
Seven TIPsters tipping 
Six snoops a-sniffing 
Five Carnivores 
Four airport friskings 
Three wiretappings 
Two detained Muslims 
And a Department of Homeland Security

from The Broadside

Not just free but mandatory. Before trusting what the government wants to shoot in your body, check out What's Really In The Vaccines? By John Kaminski.

Harry Shearer doing Michael Jackson's new song Don't Let the Children Dangle, and, of course, the Maria Heller Show.

Googlism is a new site that searches Google for opinions of your search item from pages in the Google cache. Type in your name and find out what everybody thinks of you.

State Legislatures, the National magazine of state government and policy, is looking for articles. CURRENT NEEDS: "Topics of interest to state legislators; profiles of individual legislators who have made a difference in their states and nationally; federal issues that concern or help states. Stories are aimed at state legislators; offer analysis of important issues; use lots of examples and quotes from experts and movers and shakers; lively, easy to read writing" Pays flat fee of $500 to $1000 for 1200 to 2500 words. 

Here's how to make fake video and audio tapes that everyone will believe are real.

Pravda thinks the United States has become a totalitarian state.

George W. Bush hired Henry Kissinger to investigate 9/11. This guy and this gal and this guy and this guy and this guy and this guy don't think it's a very good idea.

Good luck with your new job. As a personal favor, would you please explain why, according to Time Magazine, Sept. 14, 2001, all national military flights that should have responded to the terrorists one week later, were canceled by the White house?

Thirty-six people out of 10,000 in a rally against the continual existence of the SOA (School Of Assassins) were found guilty for trespassing onto the Fort Benning military base in Georgia. Their sentences ranged from six months of probation to the maximum of six months in federal prison. Those draconian sentences are meant to silence and intimidate all of us. Send letters of support to the prisoners.

Pronunciation: 'fa-"shi-z&m also 'fa-"si-
Function: noun
Etymology: Italian fascismo, from fascio bundle, fasces, group, from Latin fascis bundle & fasces fasces
Date: 1921
1 often capitalized : a political philosophy, movement, or regime (as that of the Fascisti) that exalts nation and often race above the individual and that stands for a centralized autocratic government headed by a dictatorial leader, severe economic and social regimentation, and forcible suppression of opposition.

Hey, why not Adopt-a-Minefield? They're so cute.

John Ashcroft says Keep Big Brother's Hands Off the Internet.

...who thinks the Boy Scouts of America, and any private organization, have the right to exclude anyone they damn well please, including atheists, and that kid who's suing the Boy Scouts for not letting him be a scout leader can start another organization like the Boy Scouts that DOES admit atheists or go to hell?

...who thinks that no land on earth is any more sacred than any other land, that God isn't a real estate developer who bestows parcels of land to certain groups of people who think they're holier than others (like those idiots in the mid-east fighting over Jerusalem), and that George W. Bush should actually be applauded for wanting to build something as alternative as a geothermal power plant in Northern California, that there need to be MORE non-polluting geothermal power plants and windmills, even if Indians think that particular piece of land is "sacred"?

...who thinks that every single campaign reform bill that has ever been before Congress is crap, and that the only thing that will clean things up is an amendment to the constitution of the United States that says "No political candidate for any publicly held office may accept any contribution whatsoever from anybody, at any time, for any reason?"

...who thinks it's only a crime if someone complains?

...who's looking forward to the porn film of Mohammed choosing a wife, but can't decide whether Mohammed should be played by Ron Jeremy or John Dough?

...who isn't doing laundry this week because astronomers just said that two super-massive black holes that have been circling each other were likely to collide and send ripples through the fabric of space, causing an infinitesimal wobbling in all matter?

GOOD MORNING! 

I AM SORRY FOR BOTHERING YOU, SO I WILL START IMMEDIATELY THE EXPLANATION! 

WE ARE A 27 YEARS OLD LEBANESE GIRL AND A 30 YEARS OLD LEBANESE GUY HAVING SOME DIFFICULTIES IN THE SHOWBIZ WORLD! OUR EXPERIENCE IS VERY SMALL AND THE OPPORTUNITIES HERE IN LEBANON ARE EVEN SMALLER! 

NOW, WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR IS THE FOLLOWING: CHANCES HERE ARE VERY LITTLE AND OPPORTUNITIES ARE LESS ALSO! SO, WE WERE WONDERING IF THERE IS ANY POSSIBILITY TO GET HELP FROM A GREAT WRITER AS YOU ARE, SIR! WE WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IF YOU MIGHT HELP US GIVING SOME CLUE IN OUR FUTURE CAREER AND MAYBE ONE DAY THE OPPORTUNITY OF WORKING WITH YOU! HOPE TO HAVE A REPLY FROM YOU! 

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME BEST REGARDS 

CHRISTINE & IMAD
 

Dear Christine and Imad,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

In showbiz as in politics, you've got to think globally but act locally. I can certainly understand why you have the fantasy of finding someone in Hollywood willing to whisk you out of the mid-east and bring you to Hollywood, but unless your uncle is Steven Spielberg, it ain't gonna happen. If you want to be in showbiz, you've got to do it from where you are.

Forget "opportunities." Forget getting someone to hire you. Be an artist. Be in showbiz by virtue of what you are actually doing in your life. I can tell you, in all seriousness, that I know nothing of life in Lebanon other than what I see on American television, and what little I see is not to be trusted. I could use a lifeline to Lebanon telling me what's really going on, fictional or non-fictional, a report telling me the other side of whatever the American media is telling me, and there are millions of others just as curious as me.

You can be that lifeline. You want to be in showbiz? We don't care until you show us something. Get yourself a digital video camera, edit on the computer you obviously already have, and start making Lebanese movies.

What's that you say? You don't have any money for actors or props or sets or costumes? You don't need them. All you need is a camera. Use the principles of Dogme 95, a style of filmmaking with a great deal of acceptance in the legitimate world of film, especially at festivals where you would have the greatest shot at getting shown.

Here is the official Dogme 95 "Vow of Chastity." (Don't worry about #9. Video is acceptable.)

"I swear to submit to the following set of rules drawn up and confirmed by DOGME 95:

1. Shooting must be done on location. Props and sets must not be brought in (if a particular prop is necessary for the story, a location must be chosen where this prop is to be found).

2. The sound must never be produced apart from the images or vice versa. (Music must not be used unless it occurs where the scene is being shot).

3. The camera must be hand-held. Any movement or immobility attainable in the hand is permitted. (The film must not take place where the camera is standing; shooting must take place where the film takes place).

4. The film must be in color. Special lighting is not acceptable. (If there is too little light for exposure the scene must be cut or a single lamp be attached to the camera). 

5. Optical work and filters are forbidden.

6. The film must not contain superficial action. (Murders, weapons, etc. must not occur.)

7. Temporal and geographical alienation are forbidden. (That is to say that the film takes place here and now.)

8. Genre movies are not acceptable.

9. The film format must be Academy 35 mm.

10. The director must not be credited. Furthermore I swear as a director to refrain from personal taste! I am no longer an artist. I swear to refrain from creating a "work", as I regard the instant as more important than the whole. My supreme goal is to force the truth out of my characters and
settings. I swear to do so by all the means available and at the cost of any good taste and any aesthetic considerations.

Thus I make my VOW OF CHASTITY."

Copenhagen, Monday 13 March 1995

On behalf of DOGME 95

Lars von Trier Thomas Vinterberg

(For more, check out the official Dogme 95 site)

There you go. You don't need anything from me. Give yourself permission to become the most important modern Lebanese filmmakers. Better to be a big fish in the small pond of Lebanon than a small minnow in the big pond of Hollywood surrounded by sharks.
 

MD

"Get your work made. Shoot it. Sending your scripts out is like playing the lottery. It's not a meritocracy. Very few people will read something and decide they like it. They need to hear someone else tell them its good. So you should create your own opportunities shooting it on digital or doing whatever it takes to get your script made."
- Burr Steers (Igby Goes Down) -
 

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

Screenwriter's Joke from Hell

A screenwriter comes home to a burned-down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside. 

"What happened, honey?" the screenwriter asks. 

"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove was on fire. It went up in second. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house alive. Poor Fluffy is..." 

"Wait -- back up a minute," the screenwriter says. "My agent called?" 

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

December 2, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

THE PROBLEM WITH THOSE DISNEY CRUISE LINES
or
A BIOLOGY LESSON FROM HELL

Basically, there are two types of bacteria: microbes and pathogens. Microbes are good, pathogens are bad. Pathogens cause disease, and microbes prevent it by stopping pathogens.

Now, disinfectants will not really KILL bacteria. In fact it's possible to kill them only with extreme heat. In fact, bacteria just goes dormant in a hostile environment (i.e. disinfectant), but they can wake up again.

When you spray a surface with disinfectant, you force all the bacteria to go dormant. However, they will eventually wake up because the conditions in the house are no longer hostile. But the first bacteria to wake up are the
pathogens. And since the microbes are still "asleep," they're not around to stop the pathogens, so they multiply and do their nasty work.

This leads to an increase in pathogen population, which means we have to use more disinfectant. . . just as the microbes were starting to wake up. And the cycle starts all over again.

And so, even though the Disney crew cleaned the ship, they didn't actually eliminate the cause of the problem.

- From Eric Deckers, who sells an enzyme product that can be used instead of chemical disinfectants. It promotes microbe growth, and THEY wipe out the pathogens -

LAWSUIT FROM HELL

Home Depot was ordered to pay $3.8 million in a class action suit because they didn't have pricetags on absolutely every item in the store, including individual pieces of lumber, even though the prices were clearly posted near the items. Home Depot did not admit to any wrongdoing, and said in its settlement agreement that it believed "few, if any," consumers were injured by its actions, and that the cost will, of course, be passed on to consumers in the form of higher prices.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

If you eat less, you live longer.

CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM HELL

If you know someone with pitchfork marks on their buttocks that aren't healing nicely, it's time to get them a Get Out of Hell Free T-Shirt.

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of these statements was never made. 

"Court-appointed President George W. Bush has named war criminal emeritus Henry Kissinger to head the 'independent' commission to investigate the 9/11/01 attacks. Since neither Pol Pot nor Agosto Pinochet were available, Kissinger was the natural choice. Next Bush plans to appoint Rush Limbaugh to run a listening post to monitor the voice of reason."
- Barry Crimmins -

"Kissinger is to candor and the public's right to know what Michael Jackson is to normal behavior."
- Mark Shields: CNN -

"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."
- Henry Kissinger -

"All the problems we face in the United States today can be traced to an unenlightened immigration policy on the part of the American Indian."
- Pat Paulsen -

"America is duping the world into believing it supports these inspections. President Bush intends to go to war even if inspectors find nothing." 
- Peter Kilfoyle (member of British Parliament) -

"There is only one party now, the Republicrats, or if you prefer, the Property Party. And at this late date they are constrained in their ruthlessness not by opposition parties or checks and balances but by the prospect of public revolt."
- Steve Perry: Spank the Donkey - 

"I promise to turn your air brown."
- George W. Bush -

"We are as much informed of a writer's genius by what he selects as by what he originates."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson - 

"One who, while himself seeking happiness, 
does not oppress with violence other beings 
who also desire happiness, 
will find happiness hereafter."
- Buddha - 

"In God We Trust. I don't believe it would sound any better if it were true."
- Mark Twain - 

"Industry without art is brutality."
- Ananda K. Coomaraswamy -

"If there is any doubt at all that the terrorists have won - that they have managed with a single day's freakish hits to revamp the most open society on earth into an emerging police state where suspicion and secrecy are the twin watch-towers of government and cowering and conforming the prevailing instincts of an allegedly free press or an even more alleged political opposition - then last week's creation of the Department of Homeland Security should put all such doubts to rest. It operates beyond congressional scrutiny and public accountability, and guarantees secrecy to its own machinations or to those of any private business with which it deals."
-Pierre Tristam, news-journalonline -

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these."
- George Washington Carver -

"Be my oasis and I will try not to be your mirage."
- Graham Parker -

"This is not a dress rehearsal."
- Meria Heller -

"Wonderful life, my ass."
- Mike Jasper -

QUIZ FROM HELL

During the 1950s, government officials were very concerned that, in the event of an atomic attack, law and order would break down irrevocably as the nation dissolved into widespread panic and hysteria. In its publicity campaigns the Federal Civil Defense Administration wanted to frighten people sufficiently to encourage them to take part in drills, but not to incapacitate them with fear. This government-sponsored quiz appeared in the August 21, 1953 issue of Collier's magazine as a supplement to an article about human behavior during nuclear attack.

SCAVENGER HUNT FROM HELL

Hundreds of portable radioactive devices were planted all over the former Soviet Union in the 1970's, according to the International Atomic Energy Agency. The records were lost and nobody knows where the radioactive canisters are. Each of the devices, which look like old-fashioned milk cans, contains enough cesium 137 to contaminate a small city for decades.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING ADVICE FROM HELL

Wal-Mart is the largest importer of Chinese-made products in the world, buying $10 billion worth of merchandise from several thousand Chinese factories. If you consider yourself a champion of human rights, the next time you are in Wal-Mart, consider the fact that your purchases are financing a partnership between one of the most ruthless corporations and brutal totalitarian dictatorships in history.
- From Kill Christians, Shop Wal-Mart -

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: The United States of Hypocrisy by Gulf War Veteran Kenneth Roy Nichols who has renounced his citizenship.

Hey, why not take out your aggressions on a Saddam Hussein action figure, or burn someone in effigy?

The Boston Phoenix asked 33 of its staffers and freelance contributors to share their thoughts on expanding the War on Terrorism.

Here are E-mail addresses of every newspaper, magazine, and TV station in the world.

Oh, by the way, there's scientific proof of life after death.

All cartoons from Get Your War On