The Adventures of Xarvon, 
Alien Investigator
By Michael Dare

Part One: Powers of Observation

    Xarvon was no Henry Kissinger. Xarvon didn't even know who Henry Kissinger was until he looked him up in the Observer's Book of Important Humans, where Kissinger achieved the rating of Universal Coordinator of Mischief. Quite a feat on this bizarre little planet where Xarvon found himself stuck. Earth was the only place in the known universe where mischief was held in such high regard.
    Xarvon didn't know what happened. Xarvon didn't know anything. He only thought things. Xarvon thought that earthlings had made it to the moon, which was precisely right. Xarvon THOUGHT that earthlings had made it to the moon. He didn't KNOW that earthlings had made it to the moon because he wasn't in the neighborhood the day it happened. If he had been picnicking on earth's moon in 1969 and had caught a glimpse of Neil Armstrong traipsing around, then he would have KNOWN that earthlings had made it to the moon, but since he was jetskiing on Jupiter that week, he missed the whole thing. Now all he had to go on was the evidence: old video, old photos, old newspaper clippings. All easily faked. He had talked to old people who said they saw it on TV so it must be true. Xarvon called people who believed what they saw on TV Gulliblings. Amazing how many there were. Earth was the only place in the known universe where people pretended to be other people so that other people could sit around and watch them.
    Normally, Xarvon would have just raced to the moon to see if the footprints were still there, but his jetski was missing, so he had to rely on what evidence was available. Xarvon was 90% there, but he couldn't ignore that annoying little stack of evidence that the whole thing was faked. Some of it was easily explained away. The flag seemed to wave in a non-existent atmosphere because NASA knew it wouldn't wave so they put wires in it to hold it up. Other evidence, like some clearly manipulated photographs, weren't so easy to dismiss, so he allowed 10% of his thought quotient on the matter to be stored in the "But Maybe Not" file.
    Xarvon's "But Maybe Not" file was growing and growing. It was what kept him sane. Xarvon didn't believe anything more than 90% or less than 10%. Xarvon always left room for doubt. There was more room for doubt on earth than any other place in the known universe.
    He didn't like being stuck on earth and was on an endless quest to find a means of escape, but in the meantime he had to live here like any earthling. His only power was that of observation. It was his specialty. He could observe with the best of them. There were millions of Universal Observers. The most popular entertainment in the universe consisted of flipping through Observers in other parts of the Universe. His 24/7 broadcast, "Xarvon's Travels," was seen all over the galaxy and bootlegged to several more. His fame was massive. Surely someone would come looking for him soon.
    It felt odd to be walking around without the knowledge that he was broadcasting to millions. He was no longer obligated to lead an interesting life, so he took his time, doing things he would have never done if people were watching. Mainly, he watched television.
    His favorite shows were full of facts. He liked shows where people who weren't there had to figure out what happened. He hadn't missed an episode of both versions of CSI: Crime Scene Investigations since they came on and he had managed to catch up on every episode of Law & Order in reruns. He couldn't for the life of him understand why they ever got rid of Michael Moriarty. Watching old episodes of Law & Order always reminded him of Q, one of his favorite movies, a B rental from the bottom shelf of horror starring Moriarty fighting the mythical Quetzelcoatl, born of the virgin Chimalman in the Toltec city of Tollan, reborn in the streets of New York. He loved earth media, which made his incarceration on earth a bit less tedious. 
    Nothing confused Xarvon more than the news because he had a tenuous grasp of the difference between earth fiction and non-fiction. Non-fiction was supposed to be stuff that really happened while fiction was stuff that people made up, but for some reason most fictional television was full of stuff that really happened while the news was full of stuff that people clearly made up. 
    9/11 wasn't nearly as big a story on the inter-galactic network as it was on earth. To an Altarian, news of earthlings destroying a couple buildings didn't mean a hill of Altarian beans, which were quite delicious, especially with rice.
    Xarvon was disappointed that Henry Kissinger was no longer involved in the investigation. He knew Kissinger's findings would have been quite entertaining. They would have been fictional, and when they came out, they would have been shown on the "news," which was supposed to be non-fictional. Bizarre. Earth had more gulliblings than any other place in the universe.
    Other species knew where they came from. It was obvious. They didn't sit around and argue about whether or not there was a talking snake involved in the creation of the universe. They accepted the obvious, believing their own eyes instead of what other beings told them. 
    Xarvon wondered what earthling would play Henry Kissinger when they made a fictional movie about 9/11 that would contain more truth about the event than the news ever did. Xarvon was hoping it would be Jim Carrey, who always reminded him of home.
    Xarvon wasn't around on 9/11, so like everyone else, he had to figure out what happened based upon the evidence. On Law & Order, whenever they asked people for DNA samples to exclude them from the list of suspects, it was always the one who refused to give a sample who was guilty. He used that approach. On other planets, all soldiers were Universal Observers, broadcasting to the universe what was happening in battle. On earth, people accepted the version of the winners. Xarvon didn't understand why the U.N. inspectors in Iraq weren't broadcasting 24/7. That was the only way to get to the truth. Earth was the only place in the known universe where everyone didn't realize that the guilty parties were always the ones obstructing the flow of information. 
    Xarvon was bored. To him, investigating without broadcasting was like working on your day off, but it was all he knew how to do. Now that Kissinger was off the case, he figured what the hell. If anyone could get to the bottom of things, Xarvon could.

Right before his appearance on 60 Minutes, where he was intending on announcing his candidacy for 2004, a mysterious man led him into a screening room where he was shown a film of the Kennedy assassination from a brand new angle. "Are you SURE you want to run for president?" the man asked.

Secret Service Agents questioned a Bellbrook High School student for wearing an anti-Bush t-shirt.

Daniel Ellsberg has called on people in the U.S. government to leak documents.

Play the Michael Jackson Baby Drop.

Bush: Iraq's 12,000-Page Declaration is Weapon of Mass Destruction
If dropped.

- Ironic Times -

Religious Merger Creates 900 Million Hinjews

- Satirewire -

Michael Savage thinks everyone is an idiot.

A federal appeals court reinstated legal protections for 58.5 million acres of wild national forest lands by reversing an injunction against the Roadless Area Conservation Rule.

Not content with threatening the lives of millions of human beings, the Bush administration is planning to kill millions of dolphins.

Now that Sean Penn has visited Baghdad, Saddam Hussein is demanding to visit the set of Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

The Clinton Library vs. the Clinton Counter-Library.

The Righty Directory vs. The Lefty Directory.

Go here to learn everything you need to know about smallpox.

Bushzilla

I'm Getting Nothing for Christmas

Pronunciation: 'ka-p&-t&l-"iz-&m, 'kap-t&l-, British also k&-'pi-t&l-
Function: noun
Date: 1877
: an economic system characterized by private or corporate ownership of capital goods, by investments that are determined by private decision, and by prices, production, and the distribution of goods that are determined mainly by competition in a free market.

Mormons are baptizing dead jews.

...who thinks the Bush/rape charge has much more credibility than the Clinton/rape charge because accusing Bill Clinton of rape made as much sense as accusing Warren Beatty of rape? Both got so much free sex that accusing them of forcing themselves upon someone is totally ridiculous. On the other hand, accusing Bush of using strong-arm tactics to cover up the abortion of an underaged girl he got pregnant is PRECISELY what he would do.

...who thinks attacking Afghanistan because bin Laden stayed there is like attacking a Hilton Hotel because bin Laden stayed there?

...who has climbed to the top of Picasso's statue in Daly Plaza in Chicago?

...who lived in New York for years but never visited the Statue of Liberty?

 
Dear Doc Hollywood,: 

I have a lot to say and no formal setting to say it in.

- Dylan

Dear Dylan,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

Possibly the shortest letter I've ever gotten. You've got a lot to say? Really? Who doesn't? I once heard an entire symphony in my head but, drat, I didn't write it down because I don't know how because I'm not a classical composer. I once thought of an entire book in my head and I actually wrote it because I AM a writer.

How about this? Sign up at Earthlink (and give my name so I can get a free month). Earthlink gives 10 megs of space for each e-mail address on your account, with up to 8 e-mail addresses. That's, uh, let's see, oh yeah, 80 MEGS OF SPACE. Create a website. That's what I did. Is that formal enough?

MD

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

Hi,

I have a major producer interested in my animated feature spec. Providing I get an agent, do you feel it's better for an animated feature to be shopped to the studio's by a producer who can get films made, or by an agent? What are the pros and cons of each, my biggest concerns being getting the film made, and not being replaced as a writer too fast.

Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

There is no such thing as an agent who will shop your script to the studios. Agents who shop scripts are a myth. Agents field offers. If they hear through the grapevine that J-Lo has just dropped out of whatever she was doing and has told a studio that she wants to do another musical but it's got to take place in Haiti and it's got to start shooting this month, and you just happen to have written a musical with an ethnic female lead that takes place in Haiti, and your script just happens to be sitting on the agent's desk at that very minute, THEN and ONLY THEN would you have a shot. Agents don't randomly submit scripts. They try to fulfill needs they hear about. So given a choice between a fantasy and an actual producer, I'd go with the producer.

Use a showbiz lawyer to finalize your contract with the producer, even if they cost $250 an hour. Include a line that says something like "whether the film is union or not, they will abide by WGA regulations concerning how they treat me as a writer." If the film IS union, try to get a guarantee that they'll get you in the union. These are the best, and only quarantees, that you'll be treated fairly.

MD

Dear Dr. Hollywood,

    I am sitting here laughing my ass off.  So this is my story...get a beer  dog....we gonna be here a minute.....
[two pages of personal drivel deleted]
    So, what I want to know is "Where is the money" in this business, and where are the access point to entry for an outsider.  No clerk shit, no stalker  ideas, there must be some way to get in and kick some ass.  Somebody has to  be a normal human being in Hollywood.  It's like a big incest party everywhere  out here.  Your sister is not the one dog.  I wanted to be a writer than I realized a guy in jail probably has a better chance than me. Now I just want  to be a player. 

Will

Will, 

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. 

There are no access points to outsiders. You want to be in show business? Nobody's interested until you've got something to show. The line is long and your only choice is to go to the end of the line and wait forever, or cut in somewhere by finding someone in line ahead of you whose coattails you can glue yourself to. 

The only answer is to do it yourself. If you wanted to build a car, I'd tell you to find investors and build one, not to go to Ford Corporate headquarters and bang your head against the door. Where's the money? All over the place. The Coen brothers found a bunch of dentists to back their first film, Blood Simple. Go get your teeth fixed.

MD

More Dogme

You too can make a film that adheres to the rules of Dogme 95. Sign up here.

Calling all Filmmakers

MOONDANCE INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL 2003 invites international screenwriters and filmmakers, playwrights, short story writers, TV writers, librettists, film music composers, children's filmmakers & writers and young (18 & under) filmmakers & screenwriters, as well as directors, producers, distributors & investors to participate in the annual film festival & festival competition. Moondance offers everyone a unique opportunity to come together with other writers, directors and producers to create new opportunities, develop tools for success and forge new alliances within the international film and entertainment industry. Deadline: January 31, 2003. Contact Elizabeth English at: moondanceff@aol.com or visit http://www.moondancefilmfestival.com.

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

December 16, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

JUSTICE FROM HELL

The Anti-War Museum is in Germany.

LAWSUITS FROM HELL

Two former Jefferson County jurors are suing 60 Minutes for more than $6 billion after airing a program that said Jefferson County was the Mecca of frivolous lawsuits and "jackpot justice."

A nationwide class action lawsuit was filed on November 25, 2002, in the Superior Court of Spokane County against Bonzi Software for their pop-up ads. The complaint alleges that Bonzi deceptively and fraudulently commandeered millions of Internet users to Bonzi’s commercial websites through dissemination of tens-of-millions of fraudulent Internet advertising banners that impersonated computer error messages. The Complaint states they used Fake User Interface (“FUI”) dialogs that gave the false appearance of being computer error messages.

If you've ever bought a CD, you've already won.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

"The family dictatorships that dominate the Middle East are the legacy of fantasy borders drawn by colonial administrators. Now with the Bush administration pressing to topple Saddam, we may be about to repeat our mistakes - and do just what Bin Laden wants."
Read Here we go again by Jonathan Raban

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

You can donate a calling card to help keep overseas service members in touch with their families at Operation Uplink or you can send a greeting via e-mail through Operation Dear Abby.

INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush." 

After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?" 

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!" 

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" 

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump up, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar: "GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of these statements was never made.

"I would never arbitrarily bomb another country - because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me"
- Al Gore's Daily Affirmation with Stewart Smalley on SNL -

"The Taliban and the Northern Alliance are one and the same."
- Ted Rall - (After the Afghan War/American wartoy infomercial, all American press split the scene except for Rall, who stuck around and noticed that all the Taliban troops surrendering to the Northern Alliance were simply getting haircuts and JOINING the Northern Alliance.)

"To win without risk is to triumph without glory."
- Pierre Corneille -

“Perhaps Sen. Lott should ask Alabama-born Condoleezza Rice - whose childhood friends were killed in a church bombing - if she believes her life would have been better if Strom Thurmond had become president.” 
- Robert George (R-Tom) -

"It requires wisdom to understand wisdom; the music is nothing if the audience is deaf."
- Walter Lippman -

    "Let’s look at the psyche of a criminal who’s just been sprayed [with pepper spray]. What goes through their mind? Is it A: 'Dang! I shouldn’t have been messing with them in the first place. They got me fair and square.' Or B: '#$$%@@ if I get my hands on you...!!' While there actually are a few instances of 'A', 'B' is the more common answer. Why? It’s because the criminal sees absolutely nothing wrong with what they’re doing. Absolutely nothing! In fact, most of them feel completely justified in committing criminal acts, and any retaliation on your part is not only unwarranted, but will actually infuriate most criminals even more.
    So it is with the committed anti-American terrorist. They see the criminal acts of themselves and their associates as fully justified, and any retaliation on our part will only fuel their fire that much more. The bottom line? You can’t win a 'chicken or the egg' argument with a psychopath. The twisted terrorist mind will always rationalize that they are the heroic victim righting a wrong, and then victimized again by our retaliation."
- Paul's Corner -

"Under President Bush and Vice President Cheney, the Administration has developed plans to keep secret files on the activities of all Americans. But at the same time, the Administration wants to keep everything it does from the public. In fact, under today's court ruling, Americans can't even learn the identity of the energy lobbyists who asked for special favors in the White House energy plan. This is an ominous decision that defies fundamental and traditional American values of open government." 
- Henry A. Waxman -

"Which brings up the interesting question: ARE ALL THOSE US COMPANIES AND FEDERAL AGENCIES ACTUALLY NAMED IN THE CURRENT PAGES IRAQ HAS HANDED OVER TO THE UN/US?? Is the US government scrubbing those names from the Iraq report before distributing copies to other nations?"
- Jon Rappoport -

"The only way Strom Thurmond could ever do anything of value for humanity would be if he permitted medical science to harvest the penicillin that grows on his forehead."
- Barry Crimmins -

"Whenever a Fortune 500 company goes bankrupt, make public management of the company for 10 years a condition of bankruptcy. After all, when a person declares bankruptcy, it stays on their credit report for 10 years. Why shouldn't a similar penalty be handed down to large companies?"
- Jason Sanford: New Ideas for Democrats -

"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow."
- Oscar Wilde -

"Only fools are positive."
- Moe Howard -

"Revenge is better than Christmas."
- Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988) -

"The trouble with normal is it always gets worse."
- Bruce Cockburn -

"Hi. I'm required by law to tell you that I'm Kato Kaelin."
- Kato Kaelin, Mad TV 10/21/95 -

"When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision."
- Lord Falkland -

"Good breeding consists of concealing how much we think of ourselves and how little we think of the other person."
- Mark Twain -

"No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up."
- Lily Tomlin -

"The Republicans used to be the party of Abraham Lincoln. Now the Republicans are the party of John Wilkes Booth."
- Baron Dave Romm -

"You are not superior just because you see the world in an odious light."
- Vicomte de Chateaubriand -

"Fascism is government by the few and for the few. The objective is seizure and control of the economic, political, social and cultural life of the state."
- U.S. Army: Army Talk, Orientation Fact Sheet 64, March 24, 1945 -

"That which the Fascists hate above all else, is intelligence."
- Miguel de Unamuno: Quoted in "Vendredi," Paris, January 8, 1937 -

"The problem of power is how to achieve its responsible use rather than its irresponsible and indulgent use - of how to get men of power to live for the public rather than off the public."
- Robert Kennedy -

"In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take."
- Adlai Stevenson -

"When describing the administration at midterm, the words that come to mind are arrogant, cocky, galling, and drunk with power. Almost every day brings fresh evidence that Bush and his crew believe that they can get away with just about anything -- no matter how shocking, offensive, corrupt, underhanded or in-your-face the transgression."
- Arianna Huffington -

"Watch out now, take care, beware of greedy leaders, who take you where you should not go."
- George Harrison -

"People with nothing to hide, hide nothing."
- Meria Heller -

"He may look like an idiot, and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is idiot." 
- Rufus T. Firefly -

"The next time we elect a president, for God's sake can we do a background check?"
- David Letterman -

"When I look at my job and the platforms that I stand on and the microphone that I get to speak in to, I don't see that as a responsibility so much as an opportunity to create change in an imperfect world. We all share that responsibility--I just have a good job for making some noise."
- Ani DiFranco -

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect."
- Steven Wright -

"The early worm gets eaten by the bird."
- Xarvon -

ALLIES FROM HELL

Here's an open letter to Trent Lott from the KKK. Surprise, they're pissed he apologized.

GOOGLE SEARCH FROM HELL

Do a Google search on "Margie Schoedinger," the woman accusing Bush of rape ("hey, talk about frivolous lawsuits..." - Paul Krassner -), and you'll get 42 hits of media coverage, including Pravda, WorldNetDaily, italy.indymedia, rense, www.newsfrombabylon, and other independent Internet media, but not one report from major American print media, including Matt Drudge, who jumped all over a similar unsubstantiated charge against another president.

Is it...

a) a hoax meant to make Internet media look bad?
b) true but the victim is insane?
c) Why are you asking me?

COINCIDENCES FROM HELL

One day after Bush announced to the world that we would use our nukes, North Korea announce it would restart its nuke program.

Henry Kissinger and Cardinal Law resigned on the same day, both because they didn't want the truth to come out.

The Jewish Star Times has ceased publication and the editor of the Jewish Star Times has been arrested for battery.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Bill Clinton is dating Demi Moore...

a) despite her performance in Striptease.
b) because of her performance in Striptease.

Saddam Hussein hasn't mentioned to the world press that he got his weapons of mass destruction from the United States because...

a) he didn't.
b) he doesn't know where he got his weapons of mass destruction.
c) he doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction.
d) it's all just a test to see if he can keep his mouth shut.

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM HELL

Every holiday season there are 11,600 candle-related fires that result in 150 deaths and $173 million in property damage.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Medical consequences of attacking Iraq by Helen Caldicott, and Robert Scheer dares to ask What if the Hunt for "Evildoers" Aimed at Us?

SUV safety is a myth. The occupant death rate in SUVs is 6 percent higher than it is for cars. Don't miss Bumper Mentality, the truth about SUVs.

According to this HAARP operator, part of the ionosphere was blown out into space, and not only once.

Check out the history of Senator Strom Thurmond's 1948 run for President, including newsreels. BTW, deporting John Lennon was Strom Thurmond's idea.

A lot of reported SIDS deaths were actually death by lethal vaccine injection.

This is an article about just three things: disclosure, conflict of interest and potential for manipulation: Who makes the vote-counting machines?

Surely you've got nothing better to do than join the Iraqi Peace Team?

Why did all those Afghanis die? Check out how the Caspian oil pipeline is going.

Winona Ryder's probation report is a fun read.

If Gandhi had a website, it would be something like this.

This article says the smallpox and anthrax frights were planned years before 9/11 through Government and drug industry collusion.

The new FCC is going to have a bad effect upon the "Three Hour Rule," established in 1996, that says broadcasters should air a minimum three hours of "educational/informational" programs per week. Children Now doesn't think that's a good idea.

Just like Exxon, you can make the pResident do exactly what you want him to do at Dress'm Up Dubya. 

Superb site: Soldiers for the Truth - Real people in the military questioning their leaders and everything else.

Oh, by the way, here's the Table of Contents for Iraq's Weapons Declaration.