President Bush signed new legislation that restricts the availability of explosives to felons.

It used to be legal for felons to buy explosives.

According to Iraq Daily, Sean Penn "confirmed that Iraq is completely clear of weapons of mass destruction." 

I'm not forwarding that Mulder/Scully satire "The X-Mas Files."

Instead, I'm sending you Opera Baby.

The United States, Russia, the European Union and the United Nations are "99.5 percent" agreed on a plan for a comprehensive Israeli-Palestinian settlement. 

Gay Palestinians Against Starbucks

Purchasers of a fuel-efficient hybrid vehicles qualify for a $4,000 tax credit. Purchasers of SUVs qualify for a $30,000 tax credit.

A $147,000 study at Northwestern University showed women pornography and asked what they thought of it.

There were mass arrests of Iranians in California.

Dow Chemical used legal threats to close Thing.Net.

It's possible Saddam didn't really kill all those Kurds.

Jews are now able to apply online for a job flipping burgers in Pakistan. 

Iraq has a chemical weapons plant in Florida.

Some Israelis killed some Palestinians and some Palestinians killed some Israelis.

George W. Bush is channeling George Orwell.

"And thou shalt bestow that money for whatsoever thy soul lusteth after, for oxen, or for sheep, or for wine, or for strong drink, or for whatsoever thy soul desireth: and thou shalt eat there before the LORD thy God, and thou shalt rejoice, thou, and thine household."
- that wacky party guide, Deuteronomy - 

There's a Watergate - 9/11 connection.

There's only one tower in The Two Towers.

Rush Limbaugh vs. reality.

Lieberman says we're trying to oust Saddam vs. Powell says we're NOT trying to oust Saddam.

The Popular Front for Liberation of Palestine (official site) vs. The Popular Front for Liberation of Palestine (U.S. Navy Official Guide to Terrorist Groups site).

Smart bombs vs. intelligent bombs.

Here's a nice list of Internet service providers who host terrorist websites.

They want to give us back our stuff. The report reveals all the U.S. Corporations, Government agencies, nuclear labs, and former heads of the CIA who helped arm Iraq in the first place.

Five years before Enron collapsed, an executive joked at a party about making "a kazillion dollars" through something he humorously dubbed "hypothetical future value accounting," and it was caught on tape at a party attended by George W. Bush.

Main Entry: jin·go·ism 
Pronunciation: 'ji[ng]-(")gO-"i-z&m
Function: noun
Date: 1878
: extreme chauvinism or nationalism marked especially by a belligerent foreign policy.

Here are the officially submitted ideas for rebuilding the site of the former World Trade Centers.

Mr. President Bush, 

BY WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, PROVOKING ISRAEL TO BREAK ITS COVENANT WITH I, THEIR ALMIGHTY GOD OF ABRAHAM, ISAAC, JACOB AND MOSES, AND JOINED TO AMERICA BEING THE GREATEST MURDERERS UPON THIS EARTH, MURDERING ITS OWN UNBORN BABIES THROUGH UNGODLY ABORTIONS BY THE MILLIONS UPON  MILLIONS EACH YEAR, MR. pRESIDENT gEORGE bUSH, YOU HAVE SIGNED YOUR AND MOST AMERICAN'S DEATH WARRANTS, AS SHE IS JUDGED AS WRITTEN IN REVELATION 18:1 TO 24, OH BABYLON, TO BE GONE IN A DAY UNDER THE SURFACE OF THE SEA, THROWN DOWN TO THE PIT OF HELL. 

You, mr. president george bush, have joined to the greatest liar, murderer and thief, satan, in his judgment of being thrown down into hell, then one day, thrown into the eternal lake of fire where all of your workers of inequity shall end up for eternal judgment as written in His Word, Revelation 20:11 to 15. 

Forever and ever. 

mr. president george bush, 

Amos 3:7. 

His Servant, 

Elijah the Tishbite 

...who thinks Richard Harris should keep playing Dumbledore in all the Harry Potter movies but completely computer animated?

...who is just a bit nauseated at all the spam I'm getting telling me how to get laid this Christmas?

...who thinks the government is so adamantly against medical marijuana because they know it's the first domino, that if they admit there's a legitimate use for ONE illegal drug, they'll have to admit there's a legitimate use for EVERY illegal drug?

...who is pissed off that the liberal media who picked on Trent Lott turned out to be dupes for Bush who wanted to get rid of him?

...who thinks Yasser Arafat needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with his eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Gandhi over and over?

...who thinks George W. Bush needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with his eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Born on the Fourth of July over and over?

...who thinks every member of congress needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with their eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Mr. Smith Goes to Washington over and over?

...who thinks Rush Limbaugh needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with his eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Hair over and over?

...who thinks Barbra Streisand needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with her eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Yentl over and over?

...who thinks Roger Ebert needs to be given a massive hit of LSD, tied to a chair with his eyelids pried open, and forced to watch the movie Beyond the Valley of the Dolls over and over?

Dear Doc Hollywood,:. 

Well I've spent the last 3 hours ringing studios, agents, operators you name it, without any luck then I've stumbled across this site and the mentor service which is a fantastic idea.

I am so green its not funny so I hope I'm not wasting your time, in short I need advice. What I was about to do today was pay for my flight to L.A, ( I live in Melbourne, Australia) and then pitch my ideas to studios, luckily I decided to call the studio first to try and  secure an appointment only to find out the procedure.Phew!!!

I now understand that I need an agent which in itself is quite a challenge, before I contact potential agencies with my "letter of inquiry" I thought some industry advice may help.

In short I have a story outline, I think the term is treatment, I am not a writer, far from it as it is not my strength however I've been working on my story, characters, plot development  etc for years and believe I have some thing fantastic, relevant and fresh.

What do you suggest I do here, do I need to get a writer to develop this into a script or can I fly with my treatment( its about 15 pages)

I was also going to include things like pictured of the location, relevant history details, and a CD with relevant sounds. The story is an adventure / drama with an environmental undertone.

Any advice would be extremely appreciated and thank you for taking the time to look at my challenge

Kind regards

Lloyd

Lloyd,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

You've got as much chance going to Hollywood and selling your screenplay as you have going to Houston and becoming an astronaut. Whatever gig you're going after, there are at least 1,000 others in line ahead of you, with more experience and better resumes.

It's pretty much the same thing with getting an agent. Unless an agent has a client who recommends you, they will not read you. You've only got one story outline and you want an agent? Forget it. They want writers with a dozen scripts, one in every genre, things they can pitch all over the place. They want clients who will bring them commissions on endless sales, not just one. You don't even have full script as a writing sample? You don't have a chance. Once again, there are dozens of others in line ahead of you with dozens of scripts.

Australia doesn't have a film industry? What the hell do you want to come here for? Peter Weir made The Last Wave before they gave him Witness. Once again, personal contacts are EVERYTHING. Go the to Melbourne Film Festival and meet people.

MD

Thanks MD,

Your candid approach is exactly what I needed, strangely enough I find the challenge even more appealing.

I have a few ideas on contacts and now I can formulate a game plan. One thing though, do you suggest employing a script writer at this stage to transfer my story outline into some thing more tangible and if so whom/where/how do I go about this?

Thanks again for your advice and the time to lend a hand.

Kind regards

Lloyd

Lloyd,

If you don't care if you're the one who actually writes it, then you are functioning as a producer, not a writer. Your goal is to put together a package of elements that will attract financing, a package including, but not limited to a writer, a director, actors, and guaranteed distribution. It's cart/horse time. Maybe getting a writer is the first thing to do. If so, I'm sure you can find them locally. The WGA lists hundreds of writers available for hire and I'm one of them. Maybe you want to get an actor first. There are hundreds of actors with their own production companies who might be MORE receptive to a treatment than a script because then they can hire a screenwriter to tailor a role specifically for them. Maybe you want to get a director first, one of those artsy types who writes their own films. Hell, there have been movies that got made because they found the locations first. Packaging a film is incredibly difficult which is why I'm not a producer. 

Good luck with it.

MD

Calling all Screenwriters and Filmmakers

"The mediocre movie explains everything twice and always means exactly what it says. It waves its sincerity aloft like a truce flag. It leaves no questions unanswered. It tells you exactly where you should stand in relation to its characters and its subject matter. It is frequently soothing because it tells you that you are right. Then, too, it can be like an unrelenting host who holds you captive until you finish every last morsel on the plate. But it tends not to stick in the memory because there's nothing there to wonder about."
- Vincent Canby -

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

December 23, 2002

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM HELL

JUSTICE FROM HELL

    A father in Chicago was accused of sexually abusing his daughter, beginning when she was 14. A policeman testified that the man had admitted the charge, but the father denied it in court. Then the father made an admission. He admitted he fondled his daughter's breasts and buttocks, according to court documents. Judge Michael Brown ruled in the father's favor anyway, saying "There has been an admission that there has been a fondling of breasts and buttocks, which would corroborate the minor's statement; however, there has not been any testimony that the fondling was for the purpose of sexual abuse. Therefore, this court finds that the State has not met its burden of proof as far as presenting evidence that the offense of criminal sexual abuse was committed. 
    "As to the sexual abuse count, the court finds that because there was no evidence of sexual gratification, the State has not met its burden of proof."

RULE FROM HELL

The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is refusing to allow a Palestinian film to be considered for an Oscar because "the film does not originate from a country that is formally recognized by the UN."

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

    It is important to note that for two centuries after Christ's birth, no one knew, and few people cared, exactly when he was born. Birthdays were unimportant; death days counted. Besides, Christ was divine and his natural birth was deliberately played down. In fact, the Church even announced at one point that it was sinful to contemplate observing Christ's birthday "as though He were a King Pharaoh.
    The idea of celebrating the Nativity on December 25 was first suggested early in the fourth century CE, a clever move on the part of Church fathers who wished to eclipse the December 25 festivities of a rival pagan religion, Mithraism, which threatened the existence of Christianity. 
- Snopes -

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Christ wasn't born anywhere near Christmas, there weren't three wise men, the suicide rate does not increase during the holiday season, poinsettia plants are not poisonous to humans (but mistletoes are), candy canes don't symbolize Jesus just because they're shaped like the letter "J," the term Immaculate Conception does not refer to the conception of Jesus by the Virgin Mary, the day after Thanksgiving is not the biggest shopping day of the year, and Christmas used to be illegal in Massachusetts.

INTERNET CHRISTMAS JOKE FROM HELL

Q. Why do all the "other" reindeer have brown noses?
A. Because they can't stop as quickly as Rudolph!

QUOTES FROM HELL

One of these statements was never made.

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark."
- Dick Gregory -

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day."
- Phyllis Diller -

"If we fired every single person on the state payroll - every park ranger, every college professor, and every Highway Patrol officer - we would still be more than $6 billion short."
- Herb Wesson Jr, Assembly speaker, on the slight money problem in California -

"The White House is obsessed with Saddam Hussein and there's nothing I can do."
- Colin Powell -

"The American crime was not to help the Jews, but to help them at the expense of the Arabs. Today, the Arab world fears and expects a further Israeli expansion."
- Time Magazine, 1951 -

"Hollywood should realize that, if they're truly interested in avoiding US involvement in a war in the Middle East, they should form a group called 'Actors For A Radioactive Baghdad.' Public support for an Iraq invasion would plummet. Nobody in their right mind would want to start a war if Mia Farrow and REM thought it was a good idea, right?"
- Doug Powers -

"I would have enjoyed it a lot more if it weren't the worst movie ever made."
- Xarvon on Moulin Rouge -

"For most of the Cold War, atomic bombs were commonly considered as weapons. People like myself were little understood in our arguments that such bombs were literally unspeakable; that, epistemically, they are not within the realm of speech because they are not weapons, but acts of self-annihilation. It is no longer tolerable to the common sense to think of nuclear bombs as weapons, or of pollution as the price of development. The disintegrating ozone layer and warming atmosphere are making it intolerable to think of more development and industrial growth as progress, but rather as aggression against the human condition. It is now imaginable to the common mind that, as Samuel Beckett once said, 'this earth could be uninhabited.'"
- Ivan Illich, 1926-2002 -

"The disturbing rise of fanaticism in the Near East in recent years is a reaction to the thoughtlessness and superficiality of the West...In all this we are really touching on the great present crisis in Western culture. We are saying when that culture mends its own spiritual fences, all will be well with the Near East, and not with the Near East alone. The deep problem of the Near East must await the spiritual recovery of the West. And he does not know the truth who thinks that the West does not have in its own tradition the means and the power wherewith it can once again be true to itself."
- Charles Malik, Lebanon's delegate to the UN, 1951 -

"In Iran, in Egypt, in a dozen other countries, when people asked: 'Who are you? What are you doing here?' the West's only answer was an unintelligible mutter."
- Time Magazine in their article about Mohammed Mossadegh, the Man of the Year in 1951 -

"Merry Vengeful Christmas, Happy Bloody Hanukkah, Rat-a-tat Ramadan - the Blood of Men seeking ground to be spilled on in a mad rush t'wards our Righteous Judgment...every religion's nut cases runnin' the show, the clash of civilizations will decide whose side God is on, eh? Ol' dumb as a tack Arafat insisting that the Palestinian cause has nothing to do with Osama bin Oswald, hee hee. Hey Yassir! It doesn't matter! If Ariel Sharon says so, that's the way it is! Just like Bush linking Al Paid-Up to Saddam Insane! It's in the bag, you fool! You had your chance! Clinton and Barak were the best hope you had! Sure, you would still be 'Apartheid-ed' - but your people wouldn't be trapped in this endless 'Martyr Of The Day' insanity! Freakin' moron...
- R.B. Ham -

"These guys play for keeps. They may even believe they are carrying out their programs for benign, patriotic reasons -- to protect American interests (which tends to mean mostly U.S. corporate interests), to defend the homeland, etc. -- but, even if that were true, their actions will do just the opposite."
- From 2002 Politics Summed Up for Dummies by Bernard Weiner -

"Hey, right-wingers, how do you like your 'conservative' court-appointed
president's plan to monitor the Internet by mandating 'security'
cooperation between the government and Internet Service providers? It
works for China, why not George W. Bush?
- Barry Crimmins -

"Look at what Bush is doing. He could invade."
- South African health minister Manto Tshabalala-Msimang on why they're spending money on submarines to deter a U.S attack instead of on drugs to combat AIDS which is ravaging the nation -

"Your village called. Their idiot is missing."
- phone call from Michael Dare to George W. Bush -

"The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in time of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality."
- Dante (1265-1321) -

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."
- Kris Kristofferson as quoted by Janis Joplin -

"Thank God for the Internet. It was in cyberspace that scores of bloggers -- including Josh Marshall of talkingpointsmemo.com, Glenn Reynolds of instapundit.com, Mickey Klaus of klausfiles.com, and Andrew Sullivan of andrewsullivan.com -- continued hammering away at the story, and eventually succeeded in moving it out of the shadows into the political spotlight."
- Arianna Huffington on the Lott scandal -

"Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm."
- Winston Churchill -

"When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him."
- Thomas Szasz -

"Those who will not reason are bigots, those who cannot are fools, and those who dare not are slaves."
- Lord Byron -

"Chaos will yield to harmony." 
- Dennis Kucinich -

"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are. 
- Talmudic Saying 

"Just because you CAN beat him up, doesn't give you the right to."
- Spiderman's Uncle -

ANOTHER CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM HELL

JOB SEARCH FROM HELL

Winona Ryder is being hired to advertise the items she stole.

EASY DO-IT-YOURSELF REWRITE FROM HELL

On the 12th day of Christmas
My country took from me...

12) Civil liberties
11)
10)
9)
8)
7)
6)
5) 
4) 
3)
2)

and one political detainee.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: T.S.O.G. (Tsarist Occupation Government) or The Creature That Ate the Constitution by Robert Anton Wilson.

The People's Investigation of 9/11 is an assemblage of international researchers and activists who say "We declare a national emergency in uncovering what really happened on 9/11/2001 through an immediate call for an independent collaborative investigation worldwide. The U.S. government could help us but instead is doing everything it can to stop any investigations into 9/11."

Letters written to the Federal Communications Commission by concerned Americans complaining about the recent telecast of the Victoria's Secret fashion show make for mighty fine reading.

Democrat Robert Byrd is just as bad as Republican Trent Lott.

The Remedi Project, launched in 1997, is an online interactive art gallery. Over the course of its five year lifespan, 12 exhibitions have presented experimental work from over 60 digital artists from around the world. Amazing stuff.

The Cacaphony Society is the squeak in the door of normalcy, the dada clowns rewiring the neural circuits of the community, the fart at the board meeting, and the happy dog rolling on the carcass of preconceptions.

Yes, surface.yugop is one of those inexplicable sites by a random madman that makes no sense at all yet is full of graphical experiments that are extremely compelling.

NAFTA is putting Mexican farmers out of business. They're being undercut by American imports.

This very cool page has the cover of every single Time Magazine Person of the Year.

Gee, ever wonder what's going on with the black boxes from the hijacked 9/11 flights? Check this out.

The Veterans History Project is dedicated to interviewing every living U.S. veteran or war worker.

The weirdest thing about Nobody Here is that there's somebody there and he's very strange. Just click on stuff. It's intensely creative.

Learn the wonders of plunderphonics, a site devoted to legally borrowing from the ingredients of other people's sonic manifestations.

There is a force for one-world government that isn't the United Nations. Check out Global Nation.

Jeff and Tracy are Republicans. They smoke pot and their goal is to make it legal in Oregon.

Too homophobic to visit a priest? Why not buy a ticket to heaven?

Oh, by the way, there's more than one universe.