Okay, the rest of the media is sort of playing it down, but something REALLY scary is about to happen. In 1984, Big Brother controls all thought because he controls all media. That hasn't happened in America because of the Internet, but not for long. From Bush's Master Plan for the Internet: "Bush and his Machiavellian minions will no longer put up with you roaming free into dangerous territory on the Internet. You need to be corralled, electronically tethered, kept away from sites promoting conspiracy theories -- in other words, information the corporate media, the official US Ministry of Disinformation, does not want you to read or see."

FBI agents say the White House is manufacturing terrorist alerts to keep the issue alive in the minds of voters and to keep President Bush's approval ratings high.

Big Brother is already watching.

Follow the Flag
Song by Randy Newman
Graphics by yours truly

"NEW PENTAGON PLAN CALLS FOR NORTH KOREA TO INVADE IRAQ"
Would Drastically Cut Costs of Waging Two Wars, Sources Say
- The Borowitz Report -

"US Warns 30 Million Canadians Hiding Out In Canada"
The Department of Homeland Security issued an alert today warning that as many as 30 million Canadians may be hiding out north of the US border in Canada
- The Chortler -

"Bush Proposes Tax Relief for All"
Would cut taxes on stock dividends for rich, poor alike
- Ironic Times -

Courtesy of those jolly fellows at South Park, I'm sure you'll enjoy Christmas Time in Hell.

Larry Hankin dares to ask Didya' have a nice Xmas?

If Al Qaeda had the smarts to hire Madison Avenue to generate good press, I'm sure they'd come up with something like this ad for jihad.

He ain't got much in the way of web design, but here's a wonderful list of horrifying documents from federal whistleblower Stew Webb.

Speaking of whistleblowers, the credibility of Bush's multibillion-dollar missile defense plans are being questioned by leading scientists after claims that the results of key tests were falsified. Theodore Postol, a physicist and missile defense critic at MIT, has said that the institute is sitting on what is potentially the most serious fraud ever seen at the university. 

A group of Marin County women plan to march naked through San Francisco on Jan. 18 to protest the possibility of war with Iraq. In sympathy with them, I will do my column naked.

World-Action says there's a big glitch in the matrix, the war on terror is phony, the Bush oil/opium/arms Cartel is responsible for WTC/911, the sun is being deliberately interfered with using advanced, covert technology, not to mention fluoride in water, mercury in fillings, synthetic foods, and chemtrails that are killing us all.

Rep. Charles Rangel calls for reinstatement of the draft because "I believe that if those calling for war knew that their children were likely to be required to serve--and to be placed in harm's way--there would be more caution and a greater willingness to work with the international community in dealing with Iraq."

Pamela Anderson is teaching Sunday school.

To understand Wal-Mart, you have to have a handle on Arkansas. And to figure out Arkansas, you have to be knowledgeable about the Rockefellers. And to fathom the Red Chinese Secret Police, you have to know a lot about the richest family in the world. If you don't know shit about any of this, you have to read WAL-MART and the RED CHINESE SECRET POLICE by Sherman H. Skolnick.

Main Entry: 1to·tal·i·tar·i·an 
Pronunciation: (")tO-"ta-l&-'ter-E-&n
Function: adjective
Etymology: Italian totalitario, from totalità totality
Date: 1926
1 a : of or relating to centralized control by an autocratic leader or hierarchy : AUTHORITARIAN, DICTATORIAL; especially : DESPOTIC b : of or relating to a political regime based on subordination of the individual to the state and strict control of all aspects of the life and productive capacity of the nation especially by coercive measures (as censorship and terrorism)
2 a : advocating or characteristic of totalitarianism b : completely regulated by the state especially as an aid to national mobilization in an emergency c : exercising autocratic powers : tending toward monopoly 

Saul Griffith has invented a way to make glasses a LOT cheaper.

This collection of the worst quotes of 2002 from the ultra-right wing Media Research Center is actually a collection of the best quotes of 2002 from the liberal media. Good job, guys.

The guy who lost the election is going to promote democracy in Iraq.

Some Israelis killed some Palestinians and some Palestinians killed some Israelis.

Still the mouth that roars, Meria Heller.

Now you can read the Protocols of Zion online in six different languages.

In 1991, federal rules were adopted which granted US schools $400 for each child diagnosed with ADHD. Unfortunately, there has never been a diagnostic test which locates a chemical or biological root cause for the so-called disorder, which means there is no proof that ADHD, as a distinct clinical condition, exists. As a side note, there is no government program that hands out bonuses for each student who passes standardized tests with A’s.

...who's kicking himself because he taped over his copy of the pilot of the TV show The Lone Gunman that aired on February, 2000, 19 months before 9/11, because he thought the plot about a secret government agency crashing a fully loaded 747 into the World Trade Center while blaming the crash on terrorists in an attempt to generate a bigger budget for military spending was just a bit far fetched? (Think I'm making this up? Go here. Anyone got a copy?)

...who watched Die Hard instead of It's a Wonderful Life this Christmas?

...who was bored shitless by Gosford Park?

...who would pay to see the Dell guy and the Del Taco guy strangle each other?

...who has decided that the best way of dealing with threatening letters is to ignore them?

...who thinks George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein are on the phone together every day working out the details of the war and Hussein's safe escape?

...who's getting MORE pissed off every day?
 

Dear Doc Hollywood,:. 

Looking over your pages, I note that your first door-opening script (if not a sale) was an adaptation of a novel, and this opened some doors simply because there was a chance the source material would be familiar to those you approached. I adapted something myself, and am jazzed about the result, but word has it one is legally forbidden to distribute same (or even discuss it?) unless the rights to the source have been secured.  How did you manage to get past this catch-22? In my case I approached the guy who handles the author's estate -- his former agent -- but got nowhere.  Being no one.

Thanks,
Mark 
 

Mark, 

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me. 

It's amazing how many people put all the work into adapting a book they like without first optioning the rights. Total waste of time unless you're planning on blackmailing the actual owners of the book by threatening to sue unless they buy your script. 

Nobody actually needs the film rights to a book until the first day of principal photography. Until that day, producers get exclusive options to purchase the rights to the book, usually renewable every six months for a percentage of the final purchase price, which they keep paying until that magic day the cameras roll. When you hear about some author getting millions for the screen rights to his book, it actually means he got thousands for an option, with millions due only if the film actually gets made. 

If you find out that the rights to a book you're interested in have already been optioned, you can just wait out the option. The odds are against the film getting made since the odds are against ANY film getting made. Once the option is up, voila, it's available again. Being no one myself, I was able to convince several agents to give me a crack at books that no one else was interested in. They've got nothing to lose and everything to gain, especially if you offer them partial ownership of your script.

When I secured the rights to the book Another Roadside Attraction, one of the first things my attorney insisted upon was that I track down all the scripts that had already been written based upon the book, and to get letters from the writers admitting that they wrote their scripts without anyone's permission, and that they, in fact, had no claim on the rights to the book. This turned out to be tricky since there were several scripts, but after month of negotiating, we were able to nail everything down.

How did I get the rights in the first place? I ain't no role model but hold on, here's... 

The Amazing Story of How I Got the Rights 
to Tom Robbins' Another Roadside Attraction
WARNING: Don't try this on your own

About 25 years ago, a music promoter from Seattle I'll call Boyd wanted the rights to Tom Robbins' book Another Roadside Attraction. He called the publisher and found that the option was owned by singer/songwriter Harry Nilsson. He called Harry Nilsson and discovered that the rights had been given to Harry's wife Dianne in a divorce settlement. He called the ex-Mrs. Nilsson and found she was hot on the case, though there were only a few months left on her option. Ringo Starr had agreed to appear in the picture, and John Lennon, who was doing an album with Nilsson, had agreed to write some music. This was generating interest and she was sure she'd get the film made. 

Boyd called the publisher back to make sure he could option the book once the Nilsson option was up. He got some bad news. Another Roadside Attraction had been Tom Robbins' first novel and it didn't sell well, so the option to Nilsson was pretty cheap, a mere thousand dollars against a $10,000 purchase price. But Robbins' second novel, Even Cowgirls Get the Blues, had just come out and it was a blockbuster. People who read it fell in love with Tom's writing and were going back to read his first book in paperback, which was suddenly a hot item. (Interesting factoid: Original hardcover copies are now going for $750) Once the Nilsson option was up, Boyd was going to have to pay a LOT more for the option. 

The week before the Nilsson option was up, Boyd flew to Los Angeles and met with Dianne Nilsson. He found that her efforts to get the film made had gone nowhere, and she was planning on giving it up. Boyd offered to buy the rights from her for $10,000. She figured what the hell, exercised her option to purchase the rights to the book, and signed them over to Boyd. Robbins and his agent were furious at this end run but there was nothing they could do about it. 

Boyd was elated. He didn't just have an option, he owned the rights to the book forever. Big mistake. He discovered he owned something he didn't need. Like I said, everybody in Hollywood deals in OPTIONS. Nobody actually OWNS anything until that first day of production when everyone gets paid. They want to pay you a small amount for the rights to shop your product for a while, and if it doesn't work out, c'est la vie, the rights go back to you. Actually having the rights outright gives you too much power. People in Hollywood quite literally like to keep their options open. Boyd demanded too much. After many months of trying, he couldn't make a sale in Hollywood, so he headed back to Seattle with his tail between his legs. 

In Seattle, he was a much bigger fish in a much smaller pond. He discovered that introducing himself to people as the producer of the film of Another Roadside Attraction made their eyes light up, since Tom Robbins is very much a local hero in the northeast. Soon he found he was spending more time shmoozing about Another Roadside Attraction than promoting music. He found people who wanted to invest in the property, but instead of selling options to establish a firm chain of ownership, instead of starting a production company, putting together a budget, and actually raising money for production, he acted like the guys in Mel Brooks' The Producers. He sold percentages of his personal ownership. He lived for years by selling pieces of Another Roadside Attraction. 

One day Boyd was walking down a street in Seattle when a car pulled up, two guys jumped out, forced him into the car, blindfolded him, took him to a basement somewhere, put a shotgun to his head, and asked him for the $4,000 he owed a guy I'll call Artie. Boyd panicked. He didn't have the money. He asked for a phone. They gave it to him and he started calling everybody he knew who had ever shown an interest in Another Roadside Attraction. Nobody in Seattle would help because he already owed too much. 

In Los Angeles, I was working for a commercial producer I'll call John. John asked me if I'd ever heard of Another Roadside Attraction, and I said it was one of my favorite books. (Interesting factoid: Elvis Presley died with a copy of Another Roadside Attraction on the floor beside him.) John told me he had just gotten a very strange phone call from a guy named Boyd. He told me the whole story, and that if I wanted, I could buy the rights to the book from Boyd. I was a musician. What would I do with the rights to a book? He told me that he would share it with me. He knew I was creative. I could write a screenplay, and he'd market it. He owned a big commercial production company, was ready to make the move into features, had several other projects in development, and was moving into offices at Columbia pictures as we spoke. Sounded good to me. 

It turned out Artie was in Hollywood. John was creeped out by the guy, but if I wanted to meet with him and pay him off, I could save Boyd's life and buy myself a book. I didn't have $4,000 but I did have two ounces of fine Peruvian cocaine that I had been fronted by a Panamanian friend. (This was the late 70s. I was a musician. So sue me.) John gave me Artie's number, I called, made an appointment for that afternoon, and headed to his office. 

Artie was a big successful record and television producer. Major millionaire with fancy offices on the Sunset Strip. His walls were lined with gold records. I was ushered into his office by a stunning secretary. He was a big, friendly, intimidating guy with a strong New York accent who smoked big cigars and was clearly used to getting his way. I was surprised he was making such a big deal over such a measly sum, but he told me Boyd had pissed him off in other ways too. 

I told him that Boyd had offered me Another Roadside Attraction in exchange for paying off his debt. I told Artie I didn't have the cash in hand, but I whipped out one ounce of Peru's finest and offered it to him as a $2,000 down payment. As soon as I received paperwork showing I actually owned Another Roadside Attraction, I'd pay off the rest of the debt. Artie liked the way I did business. We snorted and shook on it. Became buds. He was a big record producer. Did I mention I was a musician? He ended up letting me use his studio to produce some demos. Here's one of them.

Boyd didn't know me from Adam so, with a shotgun at his head, he signed over half of his ownership in Another Roadside Attraction to our mutual friend John, who signed over half of HIS ownership to me, agreeing to pay me back my investment as soon as he could. I sold the other ounce and paid off Artie. Hooray. I was in the film biz. 

John got some money from his deal with Columbia. He used it to pay me back so I was even. I wrote a script, sent it to Hal Ashby, he agreed to direct, and with his name attached, we were able to get Treat Williams, Richard Dreyfuss, Brooke Adams, Penelope Milford, Robin Williams, and John Belushi on board too. Now I was REALLY in the film biz. 

John found a major Hollywood executive producer to put the deal together. I found out that's what executive producers do. They're actually the most important name in the opening credits of a picture. Without the executive producer, the film DEFINITELY wouldn't have gotten made. This guy was great. You wouldn't recognize his name, but he had executive produced dozens of incredible movies. With him in, we were a lock. He was one of the ten people in Hollywood that everybody trusted. John, Boyd, and I had a meeting set with him. John and I showed up first. At this point, we had a lot of agreements from high-profile people but no final deal. He liked the project. He'd smooth everything out between all parties and put together all the paperwork. All we had to do was sign on the dotted line. 

Then Boyd showed up with, of all people, Artie, who was smoking a big cigar. Artie explained that anything Boyd owned, he still owned a piece of. The paper we were supposed to sign didn't have any numbers on it. It basically just handed the deal over to the executive producer with the sterling reputation, allowing him to represent the property, with the details to be filled in later. He'd do us good. I signed. John signed. 

Artie took a look at it and wouldn't let Boyd sign because it didn't guarantee him a minimum amount of money. "How much money do you think it's worth" the executive producer asked. 

"At least a million dollars," Artie said. 

"The rights to Even Cowgirls Get the Blues only went for $200,000," we explained. To ask for more for a lesser known book was preposterous. Boyd only owned half the property anyway, which meant he wanted us to get two million total. Impossible.

"Yeah, well, we'll think about it," said Artie. He and Boyd left the room, which now stank of cigar. 

The executive producer had only one thing to say. "As long as that guy's involved, I don't want anything to do with this." 

And so the deal fell apart. 

On the off chance that maybe Artie had something going on his own that I should know about, I met with him again. He confessed to me that Another Roadside Attraction was the only book he had ever read, and HE wanted to make the movie. He could make a better deal than the one we were making. We'd be better off with a piece of HIS deal than he was with a piece of ours. He had written a treatment which Donna Summers was interested in. I read the treatment. I can't tell you what I thought of it because I don't want to meet Luigi. 

Artie didn't make the movie. Boyd didn't make the movie. John didn't make the movie. I kept trying. One day, Hal Ashby called me out to his house and told me he wanted me to direct Another Roadside Attraction and he would produce, but that's another story. 

I still own a piece of it, John still owns a piece of it, Boyd and Artie still pieces of it, and God knows how many other percentages have been promised to God knows how many guys with shotguns. Everyone owns a piece of it but Tom Robbins. (Factoid: The book is still in print and sells around 10,000 copies a month)

So like I said, do as I say, not as I did. 

MD

Calling all Screenwriters and Filmmakers

Screenwriter Web is full of good practical advice, with lots of examples.

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net
 
 

Dr. Hollywood archives are here.

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

January 6, 2003

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

BELATED CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM HELL

Hoverboards, lightsabers, jetpacks, 
and other advanced technology 
are all real and available today. 
Read about them at Future Horizons.

JUSTICE FROM HELL

Former Treasury Secretary Robert E. Rubin was cleared in the Enron probe.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Madeleine Begun Kane's first annual Dubya Quote Quiz.

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

Justification for U.S. Military Intervention in Cuba, from the declassified 1962 U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff Memo: Operation Northwoods

This plan, incorporating projects selected from the attached suggestions, or from other sources, should be developed to focus all efforts on a specific ultimate objective which would provide adequate justification for US military intervention. Such a plan would enable a logical build-up of incidents to be combined with other seemingly unrelated events to camouflage the ultimate objective and create the necessary impression of Cuban rashness and irresponsibility on a large scale, directed at other countries as well as the United States.

a. We could blow up a US ship in Guantanamo Bay and blame Cuba. 

b. We could blow up a drone (unmanned) vessel anywhere in the Cuban waters. We could arrange to cause such incident in the vicinity of Havana or Santiago as a spectacular result of Cuban attack from the air or sea, or both.  The presence of Cuban planes or ships merely investigating the intent of the vessel could be fairly compelling evidence that the ship was taken under attack.  The nearness to Havana or Santiago would add credibility especially to those people that might have heard the blast or have seen the fire.  The US could follow with an air/sea rescue operation covered by US fighters to "evacuate" remaining members of the non-existent crew. Casualty lists in US newspapers would cause a helpful wave of national indignation. 

4. We could develop a Communist Cuba terror campaign in the Miami area, in other Florida cities and even in Washington. 

The terror campaign could be pointed at Cuban refugees seeking haven in the United States.  We could sink a boatload of Cubans enroute to Florida (real or simulated). We could foster attempts on lives of Cuban refugees in the United States even to the extent of wounding in instances to be widely publicized. Exploding a few plastic bombs in carefully chosen spots, the arrest of Cuban agents and the release of prepared documents substantiating Cuban involvement also would be helpful in projecting the idea of an irresponsible government.

INTERNET JOKE FROM HELL

What goes "clop, clop, clop, clop, BOOM"? An Amish suicide bomber.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

To make deviled eggs quick, easy, and with less mess, put the yolk mixture in a small Ziplock bag, cut one corner of the bottom of the bag, and squeeze the filling into the halved egg whites.

There are lots of alternative ways to avoid smallpox other than vaccination.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"There are a thousand hacking at the branches of evil to one who is striking at the root."
- Henry David Thoreau -

"40 years ago, in the bad old days of secrecy in government, the Warren Commission at least had to tell the American public where Lee Harvey Oswald was living in the months before the Kennedy Assassination. Now even that bit of noblesse oblige appears to be a thing of the past."
- Daniel Hopsicker: Where is the head of Osama bin Laden? -

"No one expects the president to be a saint. . . . But it is pretty amazing the distance that this administration will go in trying to fool the public. Sometimes I have the feeling that I no longer live in one of the world's oldest democracies, but in the Philippines under a new Marcos."
- Paul Krugman -

"A flying saucer would fly through the sky at great speed and be seen by many men and women but the children who had been vaccinated would see nothing and I noticed this hundreds of times." 
- Credo Mutwa, Zulu Shaman -

"The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. ALOUD."
- Coco Chanel -

"I am glad that Laura Bush is in the White House... She believes that a child beginning at the very earliest age must be taught how to respect the servants."
- Randi Rhodes -

"Equal rights and equal opportunity mean just that. They do not mean preferential treatment. Preferences, no matter how well intended, ultimately breed resentment among the nonpreferred. And preferential treatment demeans the achievements that minority Americans win by their own efforts. The present debate over affirmative action has a lot to do with definitions. If affirmative action means programs that provide equal opportunity, then I am all for it. If it leads to preferential treatment or helps those who no longer need help, I am opposed."
- Colin Powell -

"When a Negro girl learns to cook, to wash dishes, to sew, to write a book, or a Negro boy learns to groom horses, or to grow sweet potatoes, or to produce butter, or to build a house, or to be able to practice medicine, as well or better than some one else, they will be rewarded regardless of race or color. In the long run, the world is going to have the best, and any difference in race, religion, or previous history will not long keep the world from what it wants. I think that the whole future of my race hinges on the question as to whether or not it can make itself of such indispensable value that the people in the town and the state where we reside will feel that our presence is necessary to the happiness and well-being of the community. No man who continues to add something to the material, intellectual, and moral well-being of the place in which he lives is long left without proper reward. This is a great human law which cannot be permanently nullified." 
- Booker T. Washington, 1901 -

"This business of burning human beings with napalm, of filling our nation's homes with orphans and widows, of injecting poisonous drugs of hate into veins of peoples normally humane, of sending men home from dark and bloody battlefields physically handicapped and psychologically deranged, cannot be reconciled with wisdom, justice and love. A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death."
- Martin Luther King Jr. -

"This country was founded by slave owners who told us that all men are created equal."
- George Carlin -

"I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do. What I can do, I should do. And what I should do, by the grace of God, I will do."
- Edward Everett Hale -

"We can't let children see pornography on the Internet? Why the hell not? Porn is pictures of sex, which is natural, healthy, and good. It's something we ALL do. I think porn ought to be REQUIRED for American school children. Age 13, sit 'em down, and go, 'okay, look. Here's a picture of breasts, here's a picture of a penis, here's a picture of fucking. You're all going to want to start doing this really, really soon. And when you do, for God's sake, let's not end up with another pregnant 14 year old. No. Download some pornography and MASTURBATE like a RESPONSIBLE ADULT.'" 
- Reverend Tim McIntire -

"Radical environmentalists, animal liberationists, one-world-government fanatics, gun controllers, and other leftist groups share responsibility for destroying America as we knew it. They have also disrupted communities, eliminated jobs, kept us energy dependent on foreign oil, and even endangered our lives."
- Allan C. Stover: Who Is Destroying America? -

"Iraqis, I think, feel that if we drove smaller cars, maybe we wouldn't have to kill them for their oil." 
- Bill Maher -

"Where's the beef? If I had the ear of the president, that's the question I would ask him about Iraq because I don't think it has yet been answered. In fact, I am terribly disappointed in the Bush administration's public case for the war against Iraq. And I am not some left-wing loony. I served in the administration of Bush the father. I'm a white guy who is inclined to support this president. But the administration needs to show me something before I can buy into the need to risk American lives to take out Saddam now. And if I have my doubts, it says a great deal about the poor public-relations face being put on the impending war."
- Michael Smerconish - 

"I'm more skeptical than some neoconservatives about the feasibility of having troops and civil servants all over the globe, ushering in a new era of democracy. But I'm even more skeptical of the left conservatives and reactionary leftists who believe inaction and retreat is a viable option. We have to find a way between both temptations - case by case, region by region, year by year."
- Andrew Sullivan -

"I'm challenging everything in the Mobbs declaration. If you think I don't understand the utilization of words, you are sadly mistaken." 
- federal judge Robert Doumar on the continued unconstitutional incarceration of Yaser Esam Hamdi, from Nat Hentoff's George W. Bush's Constitution: Does It Take a Lifetime to Question a Man? -

"The entire federal government -- the Congress, the executive, the courts -- is united behind a right-wing agenda for which George W. Bush believes he now has a mandate. That agenda includes the power of the state to force pregnant women to surrender control over their own lives.  It includes using the taxing power to transfer wealth from working people to the rich. ... Above all, it means judges with a political agenda appointed for life.  If you like the Supreme Court that put George W. Bush in the White House, you will swoon over what's coming.  And if you like God in government, get ready for the Rapture. ... Republicans outraised Democrats by $184 million and they came up with the big prize: monopoly control of the American government and the power of the state to turn their radical ideology into the law of the land."
- Bill Moyers -

"Eight years and I don't know maybe $300 million worth of investigations, do you know how many high ranking Clinton administration officials were ever found to have violated the law? One - the chief of staff to the secretary of agriculture took football tickets to some football game. Clinton had the most investigated administrative history and the most ethical. Let's have an investigation of Bush and Cheney inside the war with Iraq and then see what we can call it..."
- Paul Begala, Crossfire, 12/30/02 -

"I love to twist statistics and I have one for you now: In four years, Bush 41 had a net of zero new jobs created. In two years, Bush 43 also has a net of zero new jobs created. So if the Bushes had been in charge of America since the beginning, nobody in America would have ever worked a day in their lives."
- Al Franken -

 "At this moment, for example, in 1984 (if it was 1984), Oceana was at war with Eurasia and in alliance with Eastasia. In no public or private utterance was it ever admitted that the three powers had at any time been grouped along different lines. Actually, as Winston well knew, it was only four years since Oceania had been at war with Eastasia and in alliance with Eurasia. But there was merely a piece of furtive knowledge which he happened to possess because his memory was not satisfactorily under control. Officially the change of partners had never happened. Oceania was at war with Eurasia: therefor Oceania had always been at war with Eurasia. The enemy of the moment always represented absolute evil, and it followed that any past or future agreement with him was impossible."
- George Orwell: 2003, oops, 1984 -

"In summing up, I wish I had some kind of affirmative message to leave you with, I don't. Would you take two negative messages?"
- Woody Allen -

BUMPERSTICKER FROM HELL

The Squeeky Wheel in the Axis of Evil Gets the Oil

CARTOON FROM HELL

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: Colombian cartels have spent billions of dollars to build one of the world's most sophisticated IT infrastructures. It's helping them smuggle more dope than ever before. Read The Technology Secrets of Cocaine Inc.

For the most overused clichés of 2002, check out this guide to words and phrases that should be banished.

At Reclaim Democracy, they are devoted to restoring citizen authority over corporations. They believe that corporations are not persons and possess only the privileges we willfully grant them. Granting corporations the status of legal "persons," which they currently have, effectively rewrites the Constitution to serve corporate interests as though they were human interests. Ultimately, the doctrine of "corporate personhood" grants a "thing" illegitimate privilege and power that undermines our freedom and authority as citizens. While corporations are setting the agenda on issues in our Congress and courts, "We the People" are not; for we can never speak as loudly with our own voices as corporations can with the unlimited amplification of money. 

If you've got bandwidth, don't miss ifilm's best of 2002.

Comedy Central has this fantastic page called The Best of the Improv where you can see bits from dozens of comedians. 

Would things be different under Gore? You bet.

Quick, if a woman is gang raped, does the government arrest her or the rapists? Depends on if you're in Dubai.

Actual link between drugs and terrorism discovered!

The Federal Energy Regulatory Commission pulled this document from its website concerning holes in a dam. Gee, does that mean the holes have fixed?

When the rapture comes, will you be prepared?

Just in case life isn't poetic enough for you, here are dozens and dozens of poetry links.

Kim Jong Il received over 7,000 congratulatory messages and letters from prominent figures and people from all walks of life of the world on the important occasions this year, at least according to the Korean Central News Agency of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. (they don't call themselves "North" Korea)

Oh, by the way, here are the events signaling the approach of planet X, so make sure your kids are on Prozac.
 
 

All of Helen's old columns are here.