So let me get this straight. If Saddam Hussein proves he doesn't have the means to defend himself, we'll leave him alone, but if the United Nations proves he DOES have the means to defend himself, we're attacking.

Gulf War veterans are waking up to the New World Order, Australian police are unleashing dogs on anti-nuclear protesters, Anti-war leaders are charging that Nazis rule the White House, the Taliban is regrouping, the government of Uganda is kidnapping children in order to brainwash them into serving as soldiers and kidnapping women to serve as sex slaves, there was a prehistoric civilization in Antarctica, Marxists are taking over latin America, and there are hundreds of thousands of protesters taking to the streets in America.

"Police across the nation estimate the crowd that avoided [Saturday's] anti-war demonstrations at about 289 million."
- Scrappleface.com -

The ACLU has officially declared that Big Brother is Watching.

China is stopping bloggers.

Chicago became the biggest U.S. city to speak out against a war with Iraq when the City Council voted 46-1 Thursday to oppose a pre-emptive military attack unless Iraq is shown to be a real threat to the United States.

"Why bother clamping down on dissent when it's so much easier to just ignore it?"
- Unelected Shmuck -

Two hilarious satires for our two favorite guys, bin Laden (to the tune of La Bamba) and Hussein (to the tune of Cocaine).

George W. Bush stars in It's a Wonderful Privileged Life.

"It would be very inexpensive to mold desert landscapes into parabolic dish shapes with conventional construction equipment. The Landscapes would then be covered with reflective Mylar film. The light coming off of these parabolic shaped landmasses would then be automatically focused to a spot where the heat would run power generators... This could all be done for about 10% of the cost of a solar power plant that has movable mirrors."
- Howard Scott Pearlman -

Australian scientists have unintentionally created a "supervirus" that, instead of sterilizing mice as intended, killed every last one.

China wants to host U.S. talks with Korea. (As long as they don't use blogs)

Oliver Stone has filmed a tribute to Fidel Castro.

One of the big problems with going out and protesting the upcoming war is that among those against the war are Saddam Hussein supporters and Kim Jong Il supporters, and who wants to be lumped along with THAT crowd? Yep, the anti-war movement is being supported by Authoritarian Opportunists Who Cozy Up To Genocidal Dictators - for Peace.

Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark told a crowd of cheering anti-American demonstrators gathered in Washington, D.C. to protest the impending war in Iraq on Saturday that he was launching a campaign to impeach President Bush.

If the bombing of the Alfred E. Murrah building in Oklahoma City was a terrorist reprisal for the massacre of the Branch Davidians at Waco, why were no BATF or FBI agents injured? Why was EVERY BADGE-CARRYING FEDERAL AGENT absent from work at nine o'clock on a weekday morning, their offices staffed only with civilian clerical workers?

Federal prosecutors have released videos of what would have happened if Richard Reid's shoe bomb had gone off.

The Israeli Mossad is now ordering its people to carry out assassinations of terrorists in the U.S.

Donald Rumsfeld has offered Saddam Hussein immunity.

Israeli bulldozers are set to destroy the entire village of Al-Daba' in the Qalqilya district of the West Bank as they make way to build a wall to cut off the area from Israel. The village consists of 250 Palestinians living in 42 houses. Sixty ton American made armored Caterpillar D-9 bulldozers will eliminate 42 houses, 600-700 dunums (one dunum is equal to 1000 square metre) of agricultural land, a mosque, and an elementary school for 132 children.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg tried to serve summonses on the Rolling Stones after he saw them smoking cigarettes on stage at Madison Square Garden during a live broadcast on HBO.

George W. Bush says nothing but nice things about Martin Luther King, ignoring what Martin Luther King would unquestionably have to say about George W. Bush.

We, the Citizens of the United States of America, do hereby declare that we support H.R. 1146, and we declare that we accept no other authority on earth but the Constitution of the United States of America and its Amendments.

"I'm gonna go ahead and do what I want to do and it don't make one goddam bit of difference what anyone else thinks."
- Unelected Putz -

If you want to keep your weaponry a secret, don't have Time Magazine do a cover story about your Ultra-Secret Weapon.

...whose mailbox is now so inundated with astonishing news that his newsletter, which used to be based upon a week's worth of news, is now based solely upon news he received that day only, ignoring six days of other astonishing news, with more than 1,500 e-mails sitting there right now, totally unread, which means he's got enough material to put this out every single day, but nobody's paying him to do this and he hasn't got the time or the strength to do what obviously needs to be done?
 

Dear Doc Hollywood,
 

I've been told not to include any camera moves in my script, but I've got this one sequence that HAS to be shot a particular way for it to work. Isn't it okay if I put in just one teeny-weeny little camera move?

Thanks,
Cameron

Dear Cameron,

Thank you for braving time and space to contact me.

I once acted in a series of comedy shorts that were aired on the Playboy Channel. One of the shorts was about Wall Street Pranksters, including a pseudo-documentary on a CEO who insisted upon conducting board meetings dressed as a giant chicken. You guessed it, I was the giant chicken.

It took hours to get into the chicken costume and chicken make-up, but finally I was ready to go before the cameras. The set was a standard board room with a long table. A dozen executives in suits sat on either side of the table, while I stood at the head of the table delivering a lecture on the bottom line.

It was a one shot gag. We rehearsed it once, then the director set up his shot. It would start with a close-up of me delivering the lecture, then pull back to reveal the rest of the board listening intently.

I knew instinctively that this was wrong. Comedy consists of set-ups and punchlines. The set-up is everything that ISN'T funny about the situation, and the punchline consists of what's actually FUNNY about the situation. In order for this gag to work, it had to start with what WASN'T funny, a normal looking board of directors listening to a straight lecture on the bottom line, then the camera needed to pull back to reveal what was FUNNY about the situation, that they were listening to a giant chicken. Set-up. Punchline.

This director was doing the exact opposite. He was starting with the punchline and pulling back to reveal the set-up.

You know what I did? Nothing. I let him shoot it his way, knowing it was wrong. You know why? Because THE DIRECTOR DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR FROM THE GIANT CHICKEN HOW TO SET UP HIS SHOT!

And he feels the same way about the screenwriter.

MD

Calling All Writers

"Writing is magic, and I say this not boastfully but in wonder. I'm not the magician, waving his wand, pulling a rabbit out of a hat. I'm not sure what I am. The wand, maybe. Or the rabbit, or even the hat. Who cares? It's all magic."
- Lawrence Block -

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net
 
 

Dr. Hollywood archives are here.

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

January 20, 2003

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004
has been taken down by Earthlink
because it was "too popular."
Anyone wanna sponsor its reappearance somewhere else?
If Satan wins the election,
he promises to make you Secretary of State.
(Your duties will be to sodomize all DJs who don't play enough Slayer.)

BELATED CHRISTMAS GIFT FROM HELL

Wal-Mart is selling baby dolls made in China that say "I hate you."

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

Hundreds of thousands of anti-war protesters around the world + 1 megalomaniac who doesn't care what the world thinks = war.

CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE FROM HELL

If not for the Sonny Bono Copyright Term Extension Act, Mickey Mouse would be released into the public domain on April 15, 2003. On that day, this website calls for all websites to display Mickey's likeness in protest of CTEA. Make sure it is a 1928 image of Mickey, such as in "Steamboat Willie."

POLL FROM HELL

Will The New FBI Guidelines Help Prevent Terrorism? 

They will help stop terrorists and will pose no threat to American freedom: 3%

They will help stop terrorists, but will also endanger legitimate political dissent: 10%

They will do little to stop terrorists, but they will endanger legitimate political dissent: 87%

ART FROM HELL

Pixilated paintings by A. Connelly that only look like porn if you squint

JUSTICE FROM HELL

In her new book, "Susan McDougal said that the best proof of what the story of Whitewater is about is the fact that there never WAS anything to hide, after the spending of 50 MILLION DOLLARS, the involvement of hundreds and  hundreds of FBI agents, more than were devoted to any other case, including the Oklahoma City bombing, looking over every document they could find, numbering into the millions, and FINALLY, after all those years, they issue a report. The report says that they could find NO WRONGDOING on the part of the Clintons having to do with Whitewater. Period." 
- BookTV on C-SPAN2 -

QUIZ FROM HELL

"The hottest day of the summer so far was drawing to a close and a drowsy silence lay over the large, square houses of Privet Drive.....The only person left outside was a teenage boy who was lying flat on his back in a flowerbed outside number four."

This is the opening sentence of...

a) Gardening My Way by Stephen Hawking
b) Pansies and Peonies by Pete Townsend
c) Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling

LAWSUIT FROM HELL

John Gilmore, the co-founder of the Electronic Frontier Foundation, has sued United Airlines, Southwest Airlines and Attorney General John Ashcroft, alleging that the ID requirement stems from a "secret law" that violates his right to anonymous travel within the United States.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

NBC canceled Providence.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"Go ahead and protest. You think I give a shit?"
- Guess Who? -

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more!"
- Paddy Chayefsky: Network -

"We shall unleash the Nihilists and atheists, and we shall provoke a formidable social cataclysm which in all its horror will show clearly to the nations the effect of absolute atheism, origin of savagery and of the most bloody turmoil. Then everywhere, the citizens, obliged to defend themselves against the world minority of revolutionaries, will exterminate those destroyers of civilization, and the multitude, disillusioned with Christianity, whose deistic spirit will from that moment be without a compass (direction), anxious for an ideal, but without knowing where to render its adoration, will receive the pure light through the universal manifestation of the pure doctrine of Lucifer, brought finally out in the public view, a manifestation which will result from the general reactionary movement which will follow the destruction of Christianity and atheism, both conquered and exterminated at the same time." 
- Albert Pike, on a plan for world conquest, written in a letter to Mazzini dated August 15, 1871.  (From 1859 until his death in 1891, Pike occupied simultaneously the positions of Grand Master of the Central Directory at Washington, D.C., Grand Commander of the Supreme Council at Charleston, S.C., and Sovereign Pontiff of Universal Freemasonry. He was an honorary member of almost every Supreme Council in the world, personally receiving 130 Masonic degrees -

"If the public knew the truth, the war would end tomorrow. But they don't know and they can't know." 
- Former British Prime Minister David Lloyd George, to Manchester Guardian editor C.P. Scott, 1914 -

"The United Nations is the greatest fraud in all history. It's purpose is to destroy the United States"
- Congressman John E. Rankin -

"and I said to him when you learn to read then you learn everything you didnt know before. But when you write you write only what you know allready so patientia I'm better off not knowing how to write because the ass is the ass"
- Umberto Eco: Baudolino -

"9/11 was not simply some profit-scheme cooked up by the Bush Cabal after Little Lord Bush came to the throne. It was much bigger than that and longer in the planning than most people want to believe. It was designed by the Globalist social engineers of the Bilderberg High Council to provide the necessary pretext for destroying all constitutional protections, thus dissolving national sovereignties into a centralized global government of, by, and for the UN-loving elites around the world, not just for the Bohemian Grovers and Bonesmen of the Republican Party."
- Paul Walker: Thought Crime of the Week -

"They [the Soviets] intend to induce the Americans to adopt their own 'restructuring' and convergence of the Soviet and American systems using to this end the fear of nuclear conflict. Convergence will be accompanied by blood baths and political re-education camps in Western Europe and the United States. The Soviet strategists are counting on an economic depression in the United States and intend to introduce their reformed model of socialism with a human face as an alternative to the American system during the depression." 
- Anatoliy Golitsyn: The Perestroika Deception 1990 -

"One who is virtuous and wise
shines forth like a blazing fire;
like a bee collecting nectar
he acquires wealth by harming none."
- Buddha -

"We believe we are creating the beginning of a new world order coming out of the collapse of the U.S.-Soviet antagonisms." 
- Brent Scowcroft, August 1990, quoted in the Washington Post May 1991 -

"We are not going to achieve a New World Order without paying for it in blood as well as in words and money." 
- Arthur Schlesinger, Jr., in Foreign Affairs July/August 1995 -

"To fight terrorism, you need the support of people in countries where the terrorists live. Cosying up to oppressive governments is hardly a way to build those alliances."
- Kenneth Roth, executive director of Human Rights Watch -

"I don't give 'em hell. I just tell 'em like it is and they think it's hell."
- Harry S. Truman -

"How we burned in the prison camps later thinking: What would things have been like if every police operative, when he went out at night to make an arrest, had been uncertain whether he would return alive? If during periods of mass arrests people had not simply sat there in their lairs, paling with terror at every bang of the downstairs door and at every step on the staircase, but had understood they had nothing to lose and had boldly set up in the downstairs hall an ambush of half a dozen people with axes, hammers, pokers, or whatever was at hand? The organs would very quickly have suffered a shortage of officers and, notwithstanding all of Stalin's thirst, the cursed machine would have ground to a halt." 
- Alexander Solzhenitsyn -

"It appeared that there had even been demonstrations to thank Big Brother for raising the chocolate ration to twenty grams a week. And only yesterday, he reflected, it had been announced that the ration was to be reduced to twenty grams a week. Was it possible that they could swallow that, after only twenty-four hours? Yes, they swallowed it."
- George Orwell: 1984 -

"Masonry, like all the Religions, all the Mysteries, Hermeticism, and Alchemy, conceals its secrets from all except the Adepts and Sages, or the Elect, and uses false explanations and misinterpretations of its symbols to mislead those who deserve only to be mislead; to conceal the Truth, which it calls light, and draw them away from it." 
- Albert Pike, 3rd Degree Mason in Morals and Dogma -

"Gore says the fix is in - best move is to try and take down BFEE Cabal from the outside, contribute "noiselessly". Everybody listen to what the man is saying - read between the lines. The next election has already been won by Bush - if indeed there'll BE one."
- R.B. Ham -

"How low we have sunk when dozens of legislators vote to permit a senseless massacre to take place at the whim of a court-appointed president because they are afraid to have their patriotism impugned?" 
- Barry Crimmins -

"By way of deception, thou shalt do war." 
- Motto of the Mossad -

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
- Jack Handy -

CARTOON FROM HELL

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading:  The United States of America has Gone Mad by John le Carré.

Hey kids, it's time to jump in your SUVs, support terrorism by filling them with gas, and visit America's Ten Most Endangered National Parks.

If one picture is worth a thousand words, then Slideshows has beaten Stephen King by a mile.

Our "allies" in the war on terror are using us as a role model and smacking down on human rights.

Remember the Republican's Contract with America? Joe Conason proves it is now, and always was, bullshit.

Here's a site entirely devoted to helping you get rid of all that crap that Windows loads at startup, and if your system resources keep diminishing during use, check this out.

Spywareblaster is a free program that prevents any site from installing spyware into your computer.

CCOPS is Concerned Citizens Opposed to Police States. Guess who they're most concerned with now?

Parents of soldiers in the Gulf in full dissent mode.

What? You're still not listening to the Meria Heller Show? What the hell's the matter with you?

All of Helen's old columns are here.