HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL:URGENT ASSISTANCE

Dear Sir / Madam / Other,

        I are GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United State of Americas, George Herbert Walker Bush, and are currently serving as a President of the United State of Americas. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by being there in person. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistafication in acquiring oil funds that am presently trapped in the Republic of Iraq.
        My partners and me solicit your assistancy in completing transaction begun by my father, who have long been engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the Untied States, and bravely serve his country as director of the Central Intelligent Agency. In the decade of the nineteen-eighty, my father, then vice-president of the United State, sought to work with good offices of the President of Republic of Emirate of Iraq to re-get lost oil revenue sources in the neighbor Emerate of Iran.
         These unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-off with his Iraqi partner, who sought additional oil revenue source in the neighboring Kuwait, a whole-owned U.S.-British subsidiary. My father re-unsecured the petroleum asset of Kuwait in 1991 at the costimigation of sixty-one bajillion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six bajillion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabian and other Persia Golf monarch butterflies, and sixteen bajillion dollar ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanic partners.
        But my father's former Iraqi businesses partner remained in control of Iraq and its petroleums. My familys is calling for you urgent assistantfication in funding the removal of the so-called President of Irak and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compenation for the costs of removing him from powers.
         Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burdenicate of this new ventures, which in it upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 bajillion to 200 bajillion dollars ($100,000,000,000 -$200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisitionism and in long-term managementation.
         That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your graciousness assistance. Our distinguished colleaguers in this business transaction include the seated vice-president-in-hiding, Richard C Heney, who is an original partners in the Iraq venture and former heads the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, who professional dedications to the venture was demonstratified in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.
        I would beerseech you to transfer a sums equaling ten to twenty-five percents (10-25 %) of your yearly incomes to our account to aids in this important ventured. The internal revenue service of the United State of Americas will function as our trust intermediary-ness. I pray that you overstand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever graceless. Please reply in strict confidencency.

With Sincere and Warmest Regardations,
- George Walker Bush -

Switchboard: 202.456.1414
Comments: 202.456.1111
Fax: 202.456.2461
Email: president@whitehouse.gov
 

"Everything I post to the Internet is a bottle thrown into the ocean. It may be reproduced and replicated in any form by whoever finds it, with or without attribution. If it comes to you, you are welcome to rewrite it and send it to as many people as you like, as I will do to your stuff when you send it to me."

10) Using the Internet, Al Qaeda commandeered the U.S. Star Wars satellite and shot it down.

9) Using the CIA, George W. Bush commandeered the U.S. Star Wars satellite and shot it down.

8) Using George W. Bush, the CIA commandeered the U.S. Star Wars satellite and shot it down.

7) Using the Star Wars satellite, the CIA commandeered George W. Bush who cut funding to NASA.

6) The Palestinians were pissed to see an Israeli in space so they kidnapped Commander Rick Husband, cloned him, and replaced him with the clone/terrorist agent who deliberately blew up the craft, but not without a fight.

5) They were playing their radio too loud.

4) Why don't you just ask the crew members who are still alive?

3) Saddam Hussein gathered his forces to do a mind meld that enabled them to control physical matter.

2) The grays shot it down because they're pissed The X Files was canceled. 

1) It was just an accident.

(Reminder: Please rewrite at least one theory before sending this to as many people as you want)

The month of January is over and my site has been restored. A reader actually volunteered a domain, which is where you are right now. Please change your links and bookmarks accordingly.

Step by step, how Gulf War II is going to play out, and the Benny Hill presidency.

The National Cattlemen's Beef Association are SO disturbed over the rising tide of vegetarianism that they have launched a website called Cool 2B Real which tries to show how incredibly hip it is to eat flesh.

Political and social satire from The Bean.

Bush named THREE members of the Axis of Evil: Iraq, N. Korea, and IRAN.

A squadron of B-52's has been sent to Guam in anticipation of an attack from North Korea.

Laura Bush canceled a "Celebration of Poetry" at the White House after she heard that some poets would submit a poem or statement of conscience about the war.

Our B2 bombers use anti-gravity technology.

Britain is prepared to launch a nuclear strike on Iraq.

The Human Shields
by Michael Dare

We've got certain values, our convictions can't be beat
We don't need new socks because we haven't got cold feet
Somebody is doing something with the balls you lack
Cancel our appointments, we don't know when we'll be back 

     We don't make excuses when we're in a state of shock
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq
     We think the entire war on terror is a crock
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq

Please don't drop your bombs on us, consider us your friends
We don't eat our young like Martha Stewart recommends
We forgot to bring an extra carton of Depends
Isn't there another way that you can make amends?

     We are Sam and Harry, you won't find a single Jacque
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq
     We think the entire war on terror is a crock
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq

We called the baby-sitter, locked the door and set alarms
Gave away our livelihoods, got drunk and sold our farms
We packed up our galoshes, we've got vaccinated arms
We don't think a nucleated winter has its charms

     It's too bad that W has got a mental block
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq
     We think the entire war on terror is a crock
     The Human Shields are going to Iraq

I am actively seeking a free drug spree with the Rolling Stones. Please contact me if you have any drugs or know the Rolling Stones.
 

DON’T LOOK IN THE BASEMENT!
And Other Tricks for Building Cinematic Suspense
by Allen B. Ury
from fadeinonline

    There’s a classic and highly instructive scene in last year’s sci-fi/suspense hit Signs, written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Former preacher Graham Hess (Mel Gibson) has just been told by his very nervous neighbor Ray Reddy (Shyamalan again) that he has trapped an alien invader in his kitchen pantry. Compelled to investigate this fantastic claim, Hess ventures into the Reddy house where, indeed, something is moving behind the barricaded pantry door. Step by tentative step, Hess approaches the mystery door, his hand visibly quivering as he reaches for the doorknob. What’s on the other side? An animal? An unjustly imprisoned vagrant? Or perhaps – just perhaps – it is the true stuff of nightmares. In the theater, not a soul in the packed house dare breathes in maddening anticipation of whatever it is Hess is about to reveal.
    Now let’s flashback a year to David Lynch’s Mulholland Drive. In one of many memorable scenes, two friends sit in a classic Hollywood-area diner discussing one of the characters’ recurring dreams. In this dream, these same two men are sitting in this very same diner discussing, well, dreams. Then they venture outside to the rear parking lot. Behind a wall they encounter a hideous monster. Skeptical, the listener insists that they go to the parking lot to see if the dream was, in fact, a premonition.  The two friends go to the rear parking lot and, indeed, there is the very wall the other man had seen in his night vision. Slowly, they approach the barricade. They hesitate. Then they press forward. What’s on the other side?  Will there be nothing but an overflowing dumpster – or perhaps – just perhaps -- a hideous monster will leap from the shadows and devour them both!
    Both of these scenes are extremely effective examples of classic cinematic suspense. Using the simplest of low-tech techniques, they capture and hold their audience’s attention in ways many multi-million-dollar action set-pieces can only envy. Say what you will about Shamalyan’s over-use of narrative contrivance or Lynch’s contempt for coherent structure, both Signs and Mulholland Drive have moments that positively transfix the viewer and prompt the million-dollar question: What’s going to happen next? Understanding how to create and build suspense and then using these techniques artfully can often spell the difference between a movie that is merely interesting and one with true visceral impact.
    Here then are the most common – and effective – methods filmmakers from Hitchcock onward have used to promote that oh-so-splendid sense of anticipatory dread. Use them at your own risk:
    Don’t Look In the Basement! This is the sure-fire technique used in the two scenes described above as well as countless of cheapo horror films. Like so many dramatic set-ups, it involves a warning that must inevitably be ignored. However, unlike the typical admonishment that carries with it a specific consequence, the threat here is of the unknown (Which, as we all know, is far more terrifying than anything corporeal). While the specifics may vary from story to story, the set-up always goes something like, "Behind that door is the most gruesome, most awful thing you will ever see in your life. For the love of God, whatever you, don’t open that door!" How can any red-blooded screen character resist a challenge like that?  And how can an attentive audience react to the sight of the tentative hand reaching for the doorknob except by clinging to the edges of their collective seats? (For another wonderful example of this technique at work, check out the "What’s Under the Dinner Plate Cover?" scene in Robert Aldrich’s 1962 camp classic, What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?)
    I Know Something You Don’t Know. Also known as the "Oblivious Hero Ruse," it involves showing the audience a source of danger of which the on-screen hero remains blissfully unaware. Classic sources of unseen danger include hidden bombs (usually ticking), failing structural supports (usually termite-ridden) and lurking killers (always armed). Kevin Williamson’s Scream movies both exploited and parodied this always-effective technique by frequently putting their protagonists in the foreground while the costumed assassin flitted about unnoticed behind them. Audiences worldwide went white-knuckled with giddy panic during these sequences, often shouting aloud for the heroes to "turn the fuck around" while simultaneously wondering why serial-killer victims appear to universally lack the gene responsible for peripheral vision.
    Beat the Clock. "Ticking Clock" is the industry term for any time limit required to complete a particular goal. "Ticking Clocks" are often used to give entire movies form and dramatic tension. ("He has just two days to find a bride or lose a billion-dollar inheritance!) However, as film is a temporal medium, literal "ticking clocks" are excellent devices for significantly heightening suspense in individual scenes – especially when those clocks are tied to irreversible events (i.e., airplanes taking off, games ending, bombs exploding, etc.) Time being a tyrant we all fear, requiring a character to travel vast distances or overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles while a clock ticks down toward "00:00" has become an always-reliable way to increase audience anxiety in everything from sports pictures to action films to romantic comedies. 
    When Time Stands Still. The flipside of the "Beat The Clock" technique is "When Time Stands Still," deliberately slowing down the perceived passage 
of time to milk suspense for all it’s worth. A primary practitioner of this artform is Brian DePalma. In many of his films, from Carrie and Obsession to Femme Fatale, DePalma will slow the action, stretching out moments for the specific purpose of heightening audience anxiety. However, unlike "Beat the Clock," this suspense tool is very delicate.  For as any DePalma devotee will 
attest, there is a very fine line between anxiety and boredom.
    The Cliffhanger. Taking its name from the act of having a hero literally dangle from a cliff’s edge during the climax of many an early silent movie, 
the "Cliffhanger" relies on one’s ability to create a credibly high degree of physical danger – usually involving heights -- while simultaneously concocting an equally credible escape route. Perhaps the best execution of the "Cliffhanger" technique achieved in the past decade was in, appropriate enough, 1993’s Cliffhanger (screenplay by John Long, Michael France and Sylvester Stallone, directed by Renny Harlin). The opening sequence, which found mountaineer Stallone trying to rescue a damsel-in-distress suspended hundreds of feet above a rocky canyon was a brilliantly successful exercise in jaw-clenching, nail-biting, knee-weakening, nausea-inducing acrophobic terror. For other classic "Cliffhangers," check out the climaxes to Blade Runner, Indiana Jones & The Temple of Doom, and the gold standard, the opening sequence of Hitchock’s Vertigo.
    The Lady or the Tiger. Named for Frank Stockton’s classic tale of ambiguity, this might also be called "The Red Wire/Green Wire Conundrum." In such a sequence, a character is confronted with an either/or decision. One choice will result in victory, pleasure, safety, riches and/or world peace. The other choice inevitably leads to quick and painful death (or its dramatic equivalent). And just to complicate matters, there’s no logical way to determine the correct course of action. Ultimately, the hero has to take a leap of faith. If it’s the first act, the character’s choice is inevitably the wrong one and – KA-BLAM. (Meaning that the "Lady or the Tiger" choice is rarely given to A-List actors in the first 30 pages.) In Act III, the "blind choice" usually turns out to be the correct one, and everyone goes home happy. A cliché? Of course. And dang it if it doesn’t work every time. Like all classic dramatic devices, it’s important to use these tools sparingly and, one hopes, with enough originality and panache to rise above predictable convention. However, like McDonald’s French fries or a final episode of The Bachelor, these time-tested techniques never fail to satisfy.
    Now, if you’ll excuse us, there’s something scratching at our back door and we’re just dying to see what it is...

Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at disinfotainment@earthlink.net
 
 

Dr. Hollywood archives are here.

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

February 3, 2003

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

Excerpt from:
A Report on Mesopotamia 
by T.E. Lawrence 
Sunday [London] Times August 22, 1920

The people of England have been led in Mesopotamia into a trap from which it will be hard to escape with dignity and honour. They have been tricked into it by a steady withholding of information. The Baghdad communiqués are belated, insincere, incomplete. Things have been far worse than we have been told, our administration more bloody and inefficient than the public knows. It is a disgrace to our imperial record, and may soon be too inflamed for any ordinary cure. We are to-day not far from a disaster.

We spent nearly a million men and nearly a thousand million of money to these ends. This year we are spending ninety-two thousand men and fifty millions of money on the same objects. 

Our government is worse than the old Turkish system. They kept fourteen thousand local conscripts embodied, and killed a yearly average of two hundred Arabs in maintaining peace. We keep ninety thousand men, with aeroplanes, armoured cars, gunboats, and armoured trains. We have killed about ten thousand Arabs in this rising this summer. We cannot hope to maintain such an average: it is a poor country, sparsely peopled; but Abd el Hamid would applaud his masters, if he saw us working. We are told the object of the rising was political, we are not told what the local people want. 

We say we are in Mesopotamia to develop it for the benefit of the world. All experts say that the labour supply is the ruling factor in its development. How far will the killing of ten thousand villagers and townspeople this summer hinder the production of wheat, cotton, and oil? How long will we permit millions of pounds, thousands of Imperial troops, and tens of thousands of Arabs to be sacrificed on behalf of colonial administration which can benefit nobody but its administrators?

CARTOON FROM HELL

NOMINEE FROM HELL

This week, the Senate will decide whether or not to approve the lifetime appeals court nomination of Miguel Estrada to the critically important D.C. Circuit Court. On Jan. 30, the Senate Judiciary Committee voted in favor by one vote (10-9). 

The D.C. Circuit is the most crucial court for environmental protection after the Supreme Court. It has exclusive authority under many laws to rule on whether to enforce or strike down critical national environmental safeguards, and the Supreme Court rarely reviews its decisions. 

Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont concluded that Mr. Estrada "appears to have been groomed to be an activist appellate judge by well-connected conservative legal activists." Mr. Estrada was never a judge and has almost no public written record. He repeatedly refused to answer Senators' questions about his views on legal and Constitutional issues, including any case that the Supreme Court has ever decided.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

Cayenne pepper is deadly to many fungi and bacteria. It can wipe out yeast infections and thrush.

QUOTES FROM HELL

"I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilized tribes."
- Winston Churchill -

"To be nobody but yourself in a world that's doing its best to make you somebody else, is to fight the hardest battle you are ever going to fight. Never stop fighting."
- e. e. cummings -

"It seems that we're going to blow up Iraq. Some folk will call it a war, but it'll be more like drowning a litter of puppies. Iraq is a primitive country and hasn't got a chance. That's convenient, and lots of fun, but it ain't war."
- Fred on Everything -

"All war is deception"
- Chinese saying -

"Bush made up his mind a long time ago about attacking Iraq. He needed time to activate national guard units around the country, time to transport the necessary equipment into the region, time to develop a strategy for a solid military victory, and time to get the country ready for war. So he outwardly gave in to the doves of the world, led by Colin Powell, while inwardly sticking with the chicken hawks, led by Cheney and Rumsfeld. But as we saw this week, Bush always intended to go to war. And even though he now claims to be ''sick and tired'' of playing the game, that's all he's been doing..."
- Juan Andrade: suntimes.com -

"We think caged birds sing, when indeed they cry."
- John Webster -

"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them."
- Samuel Butler -

"The capitalists owned everything in the world, and everyone else was their slave. They owned all the land, all the houses, all the factories, and all the money. If anyone disobeyed them they could throw him into prison, or they could take his job away and starve him to death."
- George Orwell: 1984 -

"Absolute freedom mocks at justice. Absolute justice denies freedom."
- Albert Camus -

"We should consider ourselves as spirits having a human experience, rather than humans having an occasional spiritual experience." 
- anon -

QUIZ FROM HELL

The truth will come out first concerning...

a) the Columbia.
b) 9/11.
c) the creation of the universe.

PRESS CONFERENCE FROM HELL

All of Helen's old columns are here.