The federal appeals court that outraged much of the country last summer when it declared unconstitutional the law passed by Congress in 1954 that added the words "under God" to the pledge, refused to reconsider that ruling. It takes effect this Friday in Alaska, Arizona, California, Hawaii, Idaho, Montana, Nevada, Oregon and Washington. Now schoolchildren who live in those states only have to pledge their allegiance to a country under an illegal, court-appointed, war-mongering, fascist government instead of under God.

Pigheaded religious fanatics immediately rallied to the cause of God, who obviously needs their help. "The Justice Department will spare no effort to preserve the rights of all our citizens to pledge allegiance to the American flag. We will defend the ability of Americans to declare their patriotism through the time-honored tradition of voluntarily reciting the pledge," said devout Christian maniac Attorney General John Ashcroft. 

"At the start of every court session, the Supreme Court invokes God's blessing. So does the Senate and the House of Representatives. Surely, the Supreme Court will permit schoolchildren to invoke God's name while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance," said non-Buddhist California Governor Gray Davis, refusing to consider that perhaps "God's blessing" should be banned from the Supreme Court, the Senate, and the House of Representatives in line with the current ruling.

I don't care what your religion is or where you live. Pick a religion. Pick any country. Does it behoove the citizens of ANY country to bestow upon their government the right to cram the religion of THEIR choice down the throats of ALL schoolchildren? Schoolchildren who are mandated by that very same government to attend school in the first place? I don't think so. 

Wouldn't the entire planet be much safer if Governments never assumed that particular role? That's too much trust to place in a constantly changing bureaucracy. Let everyone worship at the altar of their choice and let the Government stay out of the matter ENTIRELY. The way it is, anything could happen. What if a Jew became President and insisted that all schoolchildren say the shma? Weirder things have happened.

Sorry, there's only one solution. Private schools can teach whatever they damn well please, but Government Schools have got to remain COMPLETELY NEUTRAL. It's all or none. Either they mandate a class called "Religion" in which all religions are taught, or they shut the fuck up. No schoolchildren pledging allegiance to anything resembling a deity. This is for YOUR protection.

I'm not a Rastafarian but I think they should be allowed to use ganja in their religious rituals. I'm not an American Indian but I think they should be allowed to use peyote in their religious rituals. I'm not a Mormon but I think they should be able to have multiple wives. And I'm not an atheist, I'm not offended at all by the phrase "under God" in the pledge of allegiance, and I still agree with the court's decision.

Why? Because "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."  and no matter how many times you tell me that the pledge isn't mandatory, when the teacher says "everybody stand for the pledge," that's NOT FREE EXERCISE, and the phrase "under God" unquestionably RESPECTS AN ESTABLISHMENT OF RELIGION. Yours and my personal beliefs don't enter into the matter.

I'm Jewish and I think the Palestinians should have their own state (Idaho). I'm even anti-abortion but pro-choice. Yes, it's possible to be against abortions but still believe that the state should stay out of ALL personal medical decisions, including what drugs we're allowed to take or what cells doctors feel the need to clone. Isn't choosing your doctor right up there in importance with choosing your religion? I trust nobody but my doctor to make medical decisions. Certainly not the government. I want them as far away as possible from the important personal decisions in my life.

Maybe it's this ability to hold two opposing viewpoints that gets me in trouble but I tend to think that it's what keeps me sane. I'm not displaying intolerance of religion when I back the court decision. I'm displaying respect for the constitution, no matter what I believe.

There are, of course, plenty of laws I don't respect, and I openly advocate disobeying them. Funny how Mr. Bush can praise Rosa Parks while vilifying everyone else who breaks the law as an act of civil disobedience (like every cancer patient/pot smoker in America).

Trying to put ourselves in the position of the founding fathers, imagining what they would do if they were alive today, is a dangerous sport but it can't be helped. When they gave us the right to bear arms, they surely didn't mean that every citizen has the right to own a tactical nuclear missile because modern weapons of mass destruction were beyond their imagination. They were thinking of rifles. There's no doubt that somewhere in between rifles and tactical nuclear missiles, the founding fathers would have drawn a line concerning what arms we actually have the right to bear, so we're left with the impossible task of trying to imagine where they would have drawn the line.

Would they have drawn the line at making every schoolchild in the country pledge their allegiance to a nation under God? I think so. I think they surely would have asked "Who's God are we talking about here?" 

Of course what I think makes no difference. The United States Supreme Court is the final arbitrator concerning all things constitutional, but they've made so many obviously biased decisions lately that they currently have absolutely no credibility. Maybe I missed that part of the constitution that says it's okay for the court to call off a recount of votes and appoint a president. (Once again, I'm not saying this out of a political agenda. I'm NOT for Gore and never was.)

So if we can't trust the Supreme Court to make unbiased decisions, if everything they say and do comes down to their personal religious and political agendas, if the constitution isn't even being enforced, what have we got left to prove the might and majesty of the United States legal system?

The Declaration of Independence. It's really a shame that the Declaration of Independence carries absolutely no legal weight because if our inalienable right to "life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" could be used in court, we'd have no death penalty, no drug war, and prisons would only be for people who posed a threat to the life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness of others. People like the Supreme Court and Mr. Bush.

From Dr. Helen Caldicott: 

Just send a copy of the following letter to the Pope at accreditamenti@pressva.va.

His Holiness John Paul II
Apostolic Palace
00120 Vatican City

Your Holiness,

I write to you today out of a sense of great urgency. As you know the United States of America is on the verge of launching what may be one of the most cataclysmic wars in history using weapons of mass destruction upon the Iraqi people, fifty percent of whom are less than 15 years of age. Conservative estimates are that such a war will result in the death of 500,000 Iraqis. It seems clear that, at this time, you are the only person on Earth who can stop this war. Indeed, your physical presence in Baghdad, will prevent the impending slaughter of hundreds of thousands of human beings, and force the international community of nations to identify and implement a truly peaceful resolution to this unprecedented, preemptive aggression. I implore you to travel to Baghdad and to remain there until a peaceful solution to this crisis has been implemented. The lives of the people of the people of Iraq rest in your hands as does the fate of the world. 

With hope,

Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's plane was struck by lightning as it traveled from Tallahassee to Orlando on Thursday.

Naked Air's nude flight from Miami to Cancun, Mexico, including a nude week at the Eldorado Resort & Spa.

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay is criticizing people for saying today exactly what he said four years ago.

The Department of Homeland Panic has some very good advice.

A Lesbian Nomad!

A Solid Bean Man!

A Lebanon Midas!

Bad Man is Alone!

- From Headlines Made from Anagrams of Osama Bin Laden -

"I will say what I want and... [Bush] will say what he wants. I call for this because war is not a joke."
- Saddam Hussein offering to debate George W. Bush on 60 Minutes -

It was "not a serious statement."
- White House spokesman Ari Fleischer explaining why the White House turned down the offer -

"If you didn't want me to have all these weapons, why did you sell them to me?"

"If your daddy didn't want me to invade Kuwait, why did he invite me to?"

"You claim my people don't love me. Please explain how your election was more legitimate than mine."

"You constantly claim I killed my own people with poison gas. All those Kurds were killed with poison gas that came from the United States of America, sold to both Iraq and Iran. How do you know the American poison gas that killed the Kurds came from Iraq instead of Iran?"

"Do you actually think that if you completely withdrew from the middle east, my first reaction would be to attack you?"

"How exactly is killing thousands of Iraqis going to help solve the Israeli/Palestinian conflict?"

"Why are you telling everybody you're going to get me when we've already made a deal that I'm going to slip away?"
 

"Israel is in violation of many more U.N. sanctions than mother Iraq. Why don't you enforce the U.N. sanctions against Israel for building settlements on the West Bank?" 

"How can a man who wasn't democratically elected bring democracy to the middle east?"

"You claim I have stolen billions of dollars from my people. Where are the trillions dollars that have become missing from the U.S. treasury since you took office?"

"Would you like me to show the public all these pictures I have of you engaged in homosexual activities as an initiation ritual into Skull and Bones?"

"Court-appointed President Bush claims his assault on Iraq is going to bring peace to the Middle East. Yeah, 'rest in' peace."
- Barry Crimmins -

"In 1991 Japan, Germany and the Gulf sheikhs picked up most of the bill. Not this time. Mr. Bush calls this a war of liberation. It will not seem like that to the Islamist world when American flags flutter over Iraq." 
- Philip Stephens -

"As Osama is to the creation of an American police-state under George, so George is the catalyst seemingly necessitating Global Government."
- Reb Ozzy bin Oswald -

"Wherever he is, I'm convinced that bin Laden has more to celebrate today than he did on Sept. 11, 2001. And why not? His work is being done for him by our president and the president's Cabinet, aided and abetted by a gutless Senate and House, millions of terrified Americans, and a bevy of international opportunists. Bin Laden does not have to lift a finger or issue another statement. The administration has done the work of creating legions of people who hate and fear America, who have or will soon be profoundly hurt by this country, who see the United States as greedy, rapacious and violent. A perfect formula for creating new and probably better terrorists..."
- Jill Nelson, Lust for Empire, msnbc.com -

"...a few weeks ago, Bush went to Florida and said -- 'our people in uniform and their families deserve our gratitude and deserve our support' -- unquote. He then went back to Washington and cut aid to the schools that teach the children of our servicemen and women by $173 million, a 14 percent reduction. Now, in defense of Mr. Bush, there is one promise he has never broken. It's the promise to cut taxes for the rich, in good times and bad, through war and peace, in surplus and deficit, Mr. Bush's commitment to his fellow millionaires never waivers..."
- Paul Begala, Crossfire, 02/27/03 -

"If the going is real easy, beware, you may be headed down hill."
- unknown -

"The Islamic world is in danger of becoming completely radicalized. You're going to encourage a war of religion, East against West and Muslims against Christians, the Crusades. You're going to create more terrorists with this than ever you can imagine.
"- Omar Sharif -

"Saddam is a killer, a murderer and a berzerker. A Frankenstein created by Bush. He hired him, so I guess he has the right to fire him."
- Greg Palast -

"The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them."
- William Clayton -

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."
- Jim Harkins -

"Journalism is literature in a hurry."
- Matthew Arnold -

"God made the illusion look real and the real an illusion. He concealed the sea and made the foam visible, the wind invisible, and the dust manifest. You see the dust whirling, but how can the dust rise by itself? You see the foam, but not the ocean. Invoke Him with deeds, not words, for deeds are real and will save you in the afterlife."
- Rumi, "Mathnawi" -

"I don't care what the polls say. I don't. I'm doing what I think what's wrong."
- George W. Bush, as quoted in the New York Times, March 15, 2000 -

"Why, that boy's as sharp as a sack full of wet mice."
- Foghorn Leghorn -

"Every brick on the road to hell is made from someone's deep unshakable faith in something they can't prove."
- Max Publico -

"Because -- and I have to be blunt here -- the folks we have in charge are fossils fueled by fossil fuels. And in the reptilian brain, problems aren't solved, they're attacked. Like the War on Poverty. Remember that? I'm happy to report that it's finally over. The poor people have all surrendered. And take the War on Drugs -- please! How many billions have they spent? My solution is cheaper and more effective...improve reality!"
- Swami Beyondananda: Swami's 2003 State of the Universe Address -

"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired signifies, in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed; those who are cold and are not clothed."
- President Dwight D. Eisenhower -

"She could describe the whole process of composing a novel, from the general directive issued by the Planning Committee down to the final touching-up by the Rewrite Squad."
- George Orwell: 1984 -

"The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad."
- Salvador Dali -

"Is this true or only clever?"
- Augustine Birrell -

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes. If the horse has a boner, they died while blowing the President.

We haven't caught bin Laden or the anthrax terrorist, but John Ashcroft has cracked down on websites that sell bongs.

A student in Detroit was sent home for wearing a T-shirt with a picture of George W. Bush and the caption "International Terrorist."

Victims of the 1993 attack on the World Trade Center complex have never gotten any compensation.

In California, State Farm Insurance has sent out notices to car owners that they will not cover damages caused by a nuclear attack.

The Pentagon refused a Freedom of Information Act request for a training video that shows bureaucrats how to handle Freedom of Information Act requests.

If the planet earth is going to get hit by an asteroid, you'll hear about it first here.

Bill Clinton has been tapped for jury duty.

Students for war.

"Of course I've noticed that, but it never really bothered me."

"Don't you think there are more important things to worry about?"

"You're intentionally ignoring all the *good* qualities of the American South."

"Guilt is part of human nature, not the product of a specific religious upbringing."

"Wait, I don't get it. Oh, okay."

"That doesn't sound true. I bet you made up that experience solely for the purpose of this joke!"

"Speak up! I can't hear you over all the laughter."

"Enough water. Just tell a joke already."

"In my household we have two remote controls, so this scenario is highly unlikely."

"Excuse me, but I just got back from the bathroom, and I heard a really big laugh while I was gone. Could you repeat that?"
 

 

WHO’S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK?

by Helen A. Handbasket

You never know who’s going to trade their soul away or what they’re going to get for it unless you’re Helen A. Handbasket, ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire. Who are her sources? Wouldn’t you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 

March 3, 2003

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

23RD PSALM FROM HELL

The politician is my shepherd...I am in want;
He maketh me to lie down on park benches,
He leadeth me beside still factories;
He disturbeth my soul.
Yea, thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of depression and recession,I anticipate no recovery, for he is with me.
He prepareth a reduction in my salary in the presence of my enemies;He anointeth my small income with great losses;
My expenses runneth over.
Surely unemployment and poverty shall follow me all the days of my life,And I shall dwell in a mortgaged house forever.

BUMPERSTICKERS FROM HELL

"Al Samoud 2 missiles don't kill people, people kill people"

“Stop Apathy -- Say No to Shrugs”

“Bomb Texas. They Have Oil Too!” 

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

In December 1992, the first President George Bush sent 28,000 troops to Somalia on a "humanitarian" mission to help distribute food. US forces met resistance and engaged in heavy fighting, killing thousands of Somalis. A decade after Bush declared "we will not fail," Somalia today does not even have a functioning government. Few economic statistics exist, though in a September 2002 brief, the World Bank said over half a million people there faced severe food shortages, a situation scarcely better than in 1992. 

Many Somalis survive on remittances sent from relatives aboard. After the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks, Washington shut down many of the money transfer agencies that Somalis in the United States used to send funds home. According to the World Bank's brief: "The reduction in remittance flows, caused by the closure of Al-Barakat, formerly Somalia's largest remittance company, and branches of other remittance companies, will worsen the economic situation." 

In September 1994, then-President Bill Clinton sent a 15,000-strong invasion force to Haiti. As the troops were on their way, Haiti's military rulers stepped down under an ultimatum. Clinton sent the troops in anyway as the advance guard of a US-led international force whose mandate was "to begin the task of restoring democratic government," to "stop the brutal atrocities," to "preserve stability and promote democracy," and "to uphold the reliability of commitments we make to others." 

Today, Haiti remains torn by political violence, instability and severe human rights abuses. In 2001, the political situation became so bad that the United States and the European Union cut off financial aid to the Haitian government. This has only exacerbated the situation. Haiti's per capita income in 1999 was just $460, and 80 percent of its people live in abject poverty. Haiti is poorer today than many countries in sub-Saharan Africa. 

In 1999, the United States led NATO's bombing campaign against Yugoslavia, which precipitated a massive exodus of refugees from the region. The attack, whose declared goal was to save Kosovo Albanians from ex-Yugoslav President Slobodan Milosevic, was preceded by claims that tens of thousands were killed by his forces. Investigations have not borne out those claims, and it now appears that the number of innocent people killed by the Yugoslav Army is roughly comparable to the number killed by the NATO bombing designed to save the country. Today, Kosovo is not a democracy. Foreign occupation forces (KFOR) remain and the province is governed by the UN Mission in Kosovo (UNMIK), whose performance is criticized by human rights organizations. Amnesty International reported in 2002 that "the police and judiciary failed to investigate and prosecute those responsible for human rights violations and to ensure international standards for fair trial," and complained that "UNMIK and KFOR failed to fully protect and promote human rights." 

According to the World Bank, 75 percent of Kosovo's budget comes from foreign donors and this share is increasing. Prospects for a viable and independent Kosovo are dim. 

A short distance away in Bosnia, peace has been guaranteed since the mid-1990s by the presence of large international forces, including US troops. But despite all the efforts of the international community, a stable multicultural democracy is nowhere in sight. Rather, the international presence has frozen the status quo, which includes the continued exile of millions of Bosnian Muslim, Serb and Croat refugees forced from their homes in the early 1990s. Better than active fighting, and the horrors of the Yugoslav wars, but hardly an inspiring success for post-war reconstruction.

These experiences show that ardent promises made to gain support for a military intervention quickly give way to apathy by Western governments, media and the public, behind which long-standing problems continue to fester unseen. Even if the United States were motivated by sincere intentions to bring democracy to Iraq, recent history serves as a warning. To this poor record, and America's historic support for the most undemocratic regimes in the world, including Israel's military dictatorship over the Palestinians and undemocratic regimes in Turkey and Saudi Arabia, must now be added a third factor. The hawks who have hijacked American foreign policy have stated that their goal is to create a unipolar world ruled by the United States. It is a zeal to reorganize the Middle East in the interests of the United States and Israel that drives them. 

Only the naive will believe emancipation for the people of Iraq  or anywhere else in the region fits into these schemes. 

- Ali Abunimah, a Chicago-based Palestinian-Jordanian analyst, media critic and co-founder of The Electronic Intifada, wrote this commentary for The Daily Star -

PUSSY FROM HELL

The wonderful world of Natural Pornography

AMUSEMENT FROM HELL

A Berlin company is planning to build a theme park that revives life behind the Iron Curtain.

COMPARATIVE LIST FROM HELL

Country                                              Iraq        North Korea

Member of Axis of Evil?                    Yes        Yes

Has paranoid, vengeful leader?        Yes         Yes

Suppresses own people?                 Yes         Yes

Threatens neighbors?                        Yes         Yes

Wants WMD?                                      Yes       Yes

Violated non-proliferation treaty?       No         Yes

Has nuclear weapons?                       No         Yes

Has long-range missiles?                  No         Yes

Exports missiles to others?               No         Yes

Allows UN inspectors?                      Yes         No

Has oil?                                               Yes        No

Targeted for attack by US?               Yes        No

CARTOON FROM HELL

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

To avoid sticky rice, add a few drops of lemon juice to simmering rice. This will keep the grains separated.

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: When did Dennis Miller turn into a total putz?

No matter who you are, Cliff Yablonski hates your fucking guts.

One man's scream has been heard in dozens of movies.

Oh, by the way, HIV doesn't cause AIDS.

All of Helen's old columns are here.