How I Would Re-Write the Bill of Rights
by
Satan

Amendment I 

You can believe what you want, or say what you want, or assemble where you want, but in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.
 

Amendment II

 

You can kill each other with whatever weaponry you want, but in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.
 

Amendment III

 

Stay where you want, do what you want, make war, steal property, who cares, in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.
 

Amendment IV

 

If you can convince yourself that your houses, papers, and effects are secure against unreasonable searches and seizures, go ahead and do it. It ain't illegal to be delusional.
 

Amendment V

 

Not that it matters, but if you got shit to say about someone and you can back it up with some evidence, the government will enforce payback, as long at it suits my political agenda. There's no such thing as "guilt" or "innocence," just responsible or not responsible for legitimate payback. Just because you get away with something once, doesn't mean we won't get on your ass again. If you don't personally reply to a charge in public, you are automatically found responsible for payback. Anyone found responsible for payback is prohibited from engaging in any other legitimate activities until payback is achieved. Only the Government can enforce payback, which will come in whatever form the Government chooses. In the name of payback, the Government may take your property for public use, paying you back for your property only when the Government feels like it. Nothing much you can do about it because in the long run, your ass still belongs to me.
 

Amendment VI

 

All accusations of responsibility for payback shall be made in public, and the more heinous the wrong, the more public the announcement. It is the public's duty to collect evidence of crime so the Government can secure payback. If you accuse someone of something, be prepared to make the charges to their face in a public trial, fully knowing they are going to call you a liar. I will even help them defend themselves against you, so good luck with it. You know who your ass belongs to.
 

Amendment VII

 

Anybody capable of finding a jury of their peers to agree with them can use them to compel the Government to enforce payback.

 

Amendment VIII

 

Payback is public. When a guilty party has paid back, it is announced that their debt to the victim, whether an individual or society, has been paid, and they are free to engage in other activities. Excessive payback shall not be required, nor excessive paybacks imposed, nor cruel and unusual paybacks inflicted, even though there are some situations that can't be paid back. In those cases, the party found guilty of responsibility for payback shall pay back society for the rest of their lives by generating electricity on a bicycle/generator for the public's free use.
 

Amendment IX

 

We're getting to the end of our little list here. If I haven't mentioned it, don't worry your pretty little head about it. It's all okay. Just go back to what you were doing.
 

Amendment X

 

The powers not delegated to Satan by virtue of his excellence are distributed equally among everybody else. Who cares? In the long run, your ass still belongs to me.

Ever want one of those reverse telephone directories where you can look up a number and find out who it belongs to? Want no more. Just go to Google, type in a phone number in this format: 000-000-0000, and voila, a name, an address, and two maps to the location.

Will the democracy we install in Iraq have an electoral college?

Pentagon: Everything Going According to Plan
Quagmire objective already met
-Ironic Times -

Fuck American TV. Watch the war as it's reported from around the world in media player or real player.

The best band of rodents on the net do The Old Grey Squirrel Test.

Esoteric and Science News (Don't miss The Psychology of Suicide Bombers by Dr. Raphael Vishanu)

What lurks beneath the flesh of our leader in thief?

"My country has satellites that can read the label on your Diet Coke and can hear you scratch the fleas out of your crotches, so trust me, one day we will have absolute, unrefutible evidence that your country has a vast underground network of sofisticated weapons installations."From: A leaflet to the People of Iraq, dropped by courtesy of President George W Bush.

People in the CIA have been asked to lie.

"Some of my friends think that we are not supporting the men and women in uniform if we protest the war. I tell them we are supporting them in the only way that shows we value their lives more than we want to stroke the ego of one spoiled rich kid."
- N. Dale Thompson, US Navy veteran -

"Here in America we are descended in blood and in spirit from revolutionists and rebels--men and women who dare to dissent from accepted doctrine. As their heirs, we may never confuse honest dissent with disloyal subversion."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower -

"Despite the mass use of the most sophisticated weapons the Americans have so far failed to disrupt Iraqi command and control infrastructure, communication networks, top Iraqi military and political leadership, Iraqi air defenses. At the same time the US precision-guided weapons arsenal has been reduced by about 25%."
- iraqwar -

"After this crime, I wish I could see [US President George Bush] in order to cut him to pieces with my teeth."
- Rasoul Hammed Najeed standing outside his home sobbing uncontrollably for his five-year-old son who was killed while playing near a busy Baghdad vegetable market when an air raid struck in an attempt by America to protect the lives of innocent Iraqis -

"Ashcroft is on record as saying that those who oppose the Bush Administration's policies in their 'War on Terror' are 'aiding and abetting the terrorists.' As the Bushies firmly believe that their War on Iraq is simply an extension of that War on Terror, this implies that hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of Americans are potentially in danger of being victims of a new kind of McCarthyism."
- R. B. Ham: Apocalypse Soon -

"The United States is going to leave Iraq with its tail between its legs, defeated. It is a war we can not win. We do not have the military means to take over Baghdad and for this reason I believe the defeat of the United States in this war is inevitable. Every time we confront Iraqi troops we may win some tactical battles, as we did for ten years in Vietnam but we will not be able to win this war, which in my opinion is already lost."
- Scott Ritter: former United Nations weapons inspector -

"We must make clear to the Germans that the wrong for which their fallen leaders are on trial is not that they lost the war, but that they started it. And we must not allow ourselves to be drawn into a trial of the causes of the war, for our position is that no grievances or policies will justify resort to aggressive war. It is utterly renounced and condemned as an instrument of policy."
- Supreme Court Justice Robert L. Jackson, Chief Prosecutor at the Nuremberg War Crimes trials in 1945 -

"CIA analysts continued to complain to reporters that the Bush Administration was distorting intelligence reports on Iraq to bolster its war policy..."
- Roger D. Hodge, Harper's Weekly Review, March 25, 2003 -

"After all, the Russians at Stalingrad were not fighting for a benign regime either. The real question is, will Iraqi nationalism kick in among many thousands of well-armed men embedded in a major city? The endpoint will be the same, but far more horrific for both the Iraqis and the Bush administration."
- Tom Englehardt: Fast Forward to War -

"Iraqi soldiers pretending to surrender then attacking? This isn't meant to fool the Americans, it is meant to make it impossible for any Iraqi's to surrender. Now, American soldiers won't honor a flag of truce. Iraqi soldiers dressing in civilian clothes? This isn't meant to fool the Americans, it is meant to make all Iraqi civilians a target, thus forcing them to defend themselves from us. Now no Iraqi, not a surrendering soldier and not an innocent civilian is safe."
- Jeff Crook -

"What if Saddam is killed and the Iraqis continue to resist? I have yet to hear any of the government mouthpieces or brass hats on TV address this point. It is a point of faith with them that once Hussein is gone, Iraqis will welcome us with open arms, just as the Vietnamese did."
- R.S. Janes -

"Many of you will recall the war games some time ago, where the general who was hired to play the Iraqis kicked Rumsfeld's War Plan's ass, so instead of playing out the scenario, they hit the reset button,and told the general he 'wasn't allowed' to do this, or that, or the other, or anything that may result in the Iraqi force winning the wargames. (Scorned General's Tactics Proved Right) Well, unfortunately for Donald Rumsfeld and fortunately for the people of the world, Basra and Baghdad don't come with a reset button. And Rumsfeld's getting his ass kicked."
- Hsing Lee: Shucks and Awww - 

"The White House and Pentagon have forgotten the 1980-88 Iran-Iraq War, when Saddam was a close American ally. Iraq fought ferocious battles against numerically superior Iranian forces, suffering 500,000 casualties. In open desert, Iraq's forces, bereft of air cover, are sitting ducks; in urban areas, they have fought, at least in the past, with skill and courage. And many of Iraq's soldiers are veterans of the war with Iran. This does not bode well for the upcoming U.S. attack on Baghdad."
- Eric Margolis: Once More Into The Swamp... -

"Support for this war is in part a reflection that the media has allowed the Bush administration to get away with misleading the American people."
- Eric Alterman, nytimes.com -

"Whatever the military outcome of the battle of Baghdad, the Americans and the British have lost the war politically and morally."
- Patrick Seale -

"I don't want to be first, I just want to last."
- Elvis Costello -

"If a writer of prose knows enough about what he is writing about he may omit things that he knows and the reader, if the writer is writing truly enough, will have a feeling of those things as strongly as though the writer had stated them. The dignity of movement of an iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water."
- Ernest Hemingway -

"Too much of anything, however sweet, will always bring the opposite of what you thought you were getting."
- Marshall McLuhan -

"Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is funnier."
- Blore's Razor -

"I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong."
- Bertrand Russell -

"Think universally. Act terrestrially."
- Pip Wilson -

"Somebody has to do something, and it's just incredibly pathetic that it has to be us."
- Jerry Garcia -

Mount Sterling, Iowa is making lying a crime.

Peter Arnett was fired for telling the truth.

This is the International Year of Fresh Water.

Dear Sir,
Who are you and why am I on your email list?
- JOJO8888@aol.com -

Dear Jojo,

Who am I? Jojo, don't you remember? It's me, Jojo, your old pal Michael. You wrote me, I swear to God you did. The doctor said your memory would be fading fast but come on Jojo, you can hold it together. I never knew you from Adam till you wrote me. You started it. It's all your fault. Why can't you remember? Nurse, isn't there anything you can do to help my pal Jojo here? Yeah, more morphine, what the hell. 
 

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

3. Take responsibility for all your actions.

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.

6. Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

7. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

8. Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

9. Be gentle with the earth.

10. Subscribe to Disinfotainment Today.

The ACLU has endorsed Satan's campaign for president.

U.S. soldiers in Iraq have officially been asked to pray for Bush.

The Santa Barbara Bill of Rights Defense Committee has drafted a resolution protecting the civil liberties of Santa Barbara Residents.

 

Hey there, little buddy,
it's time to go...
Truckin' for Satan

March 31, 2003

UNDO THE COUP
Satan for President in 2004

HISTORY LESSON FROM HELL

The last democratically elected president of the United States
and his Wife

ARITHMETIC FROM HELL

My enemy's enemy is my friend + Osama bin Laden called for Saddam Hussein's assassination = George W. Bush is bin Laden's friend.

GIFT FROM A BUNNY FROM HELL

Wal-Mart and K-Mart are selling
Easter Baskets full of war toys

CARTOON FROM HELL

LAWSUIT FROM HELL

I don't know about you, but I'm SO relieved that Applied Digital Solutions has dropped their lawsuit against IBM concerning who gets control of implantable microchip patents.

SATAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW

You can get a brand new writable CD-ROM drive for $25.

DIET FROM HELL

Check out these Weight Watcher Recipe Cards from 1974.

QUIZ FROM HELL

Russia is to Afghanistan 20 years ago as the United States is to...

a) Iraq now.
b) Afghanistan now.
c) Both of the above

SITES FROM HELL

Mandatory reading: U.S. Government graphics with entirely new captions. Completely hilarious.

Just in case you thought he made it all up on the spot, Dave Barry explains what it was like to work on Steve Martin's monologue for the Oscars.

British and American coalition forces are using depleted uranium (DU) shells in the war against Iraq and deliberately flouting a United Nations resolution which classifies the munitions as illegal weapons of mass destruction. DU contaminates land, causes ill-health and cancers among the soldiers using the weapons, the armies they target and civilians, leading to birth defects in children. 

According to a report in Daily Variety, Michael Moore is working on a documentary about the murky relationship" between former President George Bush and the family of al-Qaida leader Osama bin Laden. The paper said the movie, Fahrenheit 911, will suggest that the bin Laden family profited greatly from the association.

 
Over-optimistic intelligence estimates that guided U.S. war planning were proven wrong in the first 5 days of the war.

 

I hope you've got something better to do than check out this gallery of TV logos from the past.

 

The only reason Israel can't launch its own attack on Iraq is that the U.S. has not supplied the Israeli air force with the IFF codes that distinguish friend from foe.

 

InformationTimes is a daily international newspaper dedicated to Human Rights for All.

 

CNN may be lying toadies of the fascist regime but they sure make some cool interactive charts that make the war look like the Sims.

 

Oh, by the way, the FBI was jealous of the CIA so they've been given permission to lie too.

More reports from hell.