Belated Memorial Day Tribute

...to the soldiers who lost their lives in Operation Iraqi Freedom.

The Bully Pulpit

   I'm a goddam bully and I like it. Gimme a patsy to push around and I'm busier than a one-armed man with a paddle at an ass-whooping convention. I believe in punishment, not because there are people who deserve to be punished, but because I like punishing people. Makes me feel good. Doesn't matter what they did, it serves them right. Vanquishing a foe gets me much harder than beating them in a pansy argument. Physical power trumps brain power every time. Might doesn't make right. Right or wrong makes no difference to me as long as I get to exert my power, because it's all about me and my ability to push people around. Whatever makes me feel good, and today, nothing would please me more than exercising a bit of discipline. Not on my self, of course. On others.
     You saw me in the schoolyard and you tried to stay out of my way but it didn't work. I stopped you on the way home and broke all your pencils. Tough shit. Run away crying. You fail to realize that the only thing of importance in this universe is my getting my way. Bow down before me, you sniveling toad, and watch what it's like to be me. Don't get in my way. Do what I say or get hurt, even if what I say has no meaning, even to me. ESPECIALLY if it has no meaning to me. Do you think I NEED your tongue on my shoe? Tongues are a dime a dozen. What I need is proof that you will do what I say. Read that sentence again.
     Now that I've grown up a bit, I've put aside the childish pleasure of washing blood off your knuckles. These days, I'd rather sit at a distance and let others do my chastising for me. I like to watch. Let 'em suffer. Suffering's good. Make someone suffer in the morning and it puts a spring in your step the rest of the day.
     The stronger I get, the better for everyone who does what I say. The more people who do what I say, the stronger I get. Other than personally pummeling some nobody, nothing gets me off more than telling someone to do something completely outrageous and watching them go off to do it, regardless of how petty or vicious or degrading the task. Hey, watch this. You! Over here! Kiss my ass! See? Pretty cool, huh?
     I've built special rooms where people do terrible things to other people and I get to see it on TV. I ask them questions I know they don't know the answer to just so I can watch them beg for mercy. Ha! Mercy's for suckers and begging is SO yesterday. Why should I show mercy when the whole point is to watch them suffer? If nobody suffers, what's the point? I'm a one-man study group in the fine science of suffering, pushing the envelope to new extremes, boldly making others suffer in brand new ways nobody ever thought of before, and I don't have to go begging for grants to continue the investigation. I got your grant right here.
     People who have only known pain in their lives aren't good sufferers. They don't know any better. Give someone a taste of the good life, THEN come down on them, and see what suffering's all about. They know what they're missing. They know how nice things can be, making them squirm even more delightfully when the shit comes down. The suffering of one dilettante is worth ten times the suffering of hordes of foreign rabble but hey, you take what you can get.
     Truth is what I say it is. The whole world is a plaything for my amusement, and my way of playing with toys is to break them. I'm only happy when I'm in charge. Nothing pisses me off more than someone disagreeing with me. I don't listen, I talk. I'm through with arguing. No more arguing for me. Who needs it? Not me. Totally pointless. Never achieves anything, and I'm an achiever. Achievers don't say please, they say "Do what I say or I'll grind you to a pulp." Achievers rule the world. When's the last time a non-achiever took control?
     Look at you, you germ, you maggot, you pseudo-intellectual. What do you think you're doing? Who said you could read this? Put it down right now. You heard me, stop reading immediately and look at me. What's the matter with you? Why aren't you doing what I say? Now I'm getting mad. Real mad. Wait till you see what happens to you when you stop reading. Now you're going to get it.

The War Against America

Congress is going to vote to take away overtime pay.

The Supreme Court has ruled that police can question suspects who are in great pain without reading them their rights.

Now that the true story of the "rescue" of Jessica Lynch has emerged, is the government fessing up to the truth? Nope, they're fighting back with more lies, a tactic that worked particularly well for Nixon.

"There really wasn't no amnesia problem. Her memory is as good as it was when she was at home."
 - Greg Lynch: Jessica's father -

Mass grave found in Charlotte N.C. "Natural causes" blamed.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

American interrogators are forcing Iraqi prisoners to listen to songs by the rock band Metallica -- as well as the "Sesame Street" theme song and the "I Love You" song by Barney the purple dinosaur -- in order to make them talk. "These people haven't heard heavy metal. They can't take it," said one Psy Ops officer. "If you play it for 24 hours, your brain and body functions start to slide, your train of thought slows down and your will is broken. That's when we come in and talk to them." 

 Remember, we bribed them to surrender.

Belated Christmas Gift of the Week

In a sudden and inexplicable display of good taste, 
I've decided NOT to show you what this looks like.

Hey guys. Always want to pee sitting down? The Bladder Vee-String Female Vagina Prosthesis is designed to fulfill the feminine illusion. Your penis is placed into a hole in the bladder, which holds you in place. The bladder does not hold liquid, but allows for an even flow. This allows urination in a sitting position as a female without removal or adjustment. Popular in prisons. Ladies, don't feel left out. Now, thanks to breakthrough audio technology, you can talk to your dildo and tell it what to do. (Speaking of prison, fill out this crime sheet and find out exactly how much time you'd have been put away for had you been caught.)

Song of the Week

Republicans Rule the World.

Response to Barbara Boxer Response

 Mr. Dare,

    "When a father loses his job the whole family cuts back." Maybe, but there are a lot of "dads" who would work two jobs if they had to in order to pick up any slack. My husband and I would do whatever it took -- both of us -- to make ends meet.  We're normal. 
     Unfortunately many of these deadbeat dads separate from their children emotionally when there's a divorce, and so feel no obligation to pay anything. Some guys actually QUIT their jobs to avoid paying the support! They hide moneys, etc., so as to financially maintain a new bachelor life. 
     My father was the pioneer of deadbeat dads. He didn't make much money, but my mother made less (as women do), so my brother and I suffered. We were the pioneers of child care -- illegally run foster homes, etc. But my dad was just a high school graduate with no higher education. He was a union welder. What could he make? He couldn't afford those ridiculous child support payments. My "poor" father moved out of state, changed his social security number, address, quit his job, etc., and paid zilch to his children. He'd never sent a birthday card, Christmas card -- nothing in 4 decades. His mother (my grandmother) had told me he had nothing -- lived in an apartment for heaven's sakes. Yeah, an apartment on Fisherman's Wharf! He had nothing in this apartment but one spoon, fork, knife. Why? Because he ate every meal in restaurants! I met him when I became an adult and he proudly told me he owned a stunt airplane, a Ferrari, had traveled Europe extensively (backpacking), worked on the Alaskan pipeline, took up sky-diving, had married 3 times, etc. He's not wealthy, but he found a way to afford what HE wanted all his life. He worked any and all jobs to afford all his toys. To all who know him, he is a great guy -- everyone's friend. Most people don't even know he has children, but I'm certain they would all feel bad for him knowing his ex had "kept" the children 3,000 miles away. 
     So he now gets to jump on these "poor divorced father" bandwagons you offer, claiming to anyone who will listen how "screwed" he was by the courts/laws! He is protected (when he should be ashamed) by those in society who feel the males have all the raw deals in courts. He's a rabid right-wing nut too. 
     So yeah, maybe there are some fathers who make out poorly, but I thought you should know both sides.

- Lisa Harrison -

Response to Response to Barbara Boxer Response

Lisa,

     Problem #1: There are dangerous people who get out of prison too early. Problem #2: There are non-dangerous people who spend too much time in prison.
     The real problem? Try to solve problem #1 by making it harder to get out of prison and you exacerbate problem #2. Try to solve problem #2 by making it easier to get out of prison and you exacerbate problem #1.
     That's the problem with ALL LAWS that try to solve a problem. They invariably exacerbate or actually create some other problem. 
     Of course there are devoted moms who are getting screwed by scumbag dads who take advantage of the current system. Your story is very real and happens all the time. It's a problem that needs to be fixed. But there are also devoted dads who are getting screwed by scumbag moms who take advantage of the current system. Yeah, Barbara Boxer going after guys like your dad is a good idea, but any solution that only addresses one side of the problem is a bad solution.

It's a Small World After All

A small sample of Afghan civilians have shown symptoms of Gulf War Syndrome.

Who Knew?

 Iraqi doctors say it wasn't the sanctions, it was Saddam that killed all those babies.

Oh Joy Unbounded

 The Pentagon is about to embark on an ambitious research project designed to gather every conceivable bit of information about every American citizen's life, index all the information, and make it searchable.

Cartoon of the Week

Don't Take My Word For It

     "I'm sick of those sons of bitches who moan and groan about how they work so hard for their fucking families. They're full of shit, every fucking one of them. Only the artist works truly for his loved ones and descendants alone. And that is because they are the only ones who get to see the fucking paycheck. Artists are not paid hourly. They are not paid weekly. They are not paid monthly. They are not paid annually. They are paid posthumously. In life, there is nothing: not even decent down-payment, not even the token gesture of a ten-percent lagniappe.
     "So next time you're going to show me a picture of your ugly fucking wife, whom I probably fucked and forgot twenty years ago, and your kids, who, yes, have the misfortune of looking just like you, and you're about to tell me how hard you work for them, just do me a favor: stick it up your fucking ass. The same goes for that old bag cocksucker mother you talk about taking care of. Shit, when she croaks, there'll probably even be a payday in that for you. Fuck you people with your paid vacations and your pensions and your rich mommies and daddies and your bullshit about how hard you work and how much you sacrifice. The only worthy sacrifice you can make is to kill yourself. I hate every one of you motherfuckers who ever inherited a dime, or who stands to inherit a dime. You're the scum of the earth, because you can't make your own way on it. Even if you pretend to make your own way, you've got that net under you. You're dilettantes of real life."
 - Nick Tosches: In the Hand of Dante -

  "The public does not know what it wants, and there is no sure way of finding out until the idea is exposed under normal conditions of sale. If people could tell you in advance what they want, there would never have been a wheel, a lever, much less an automobile, airplane, or a TV set."
- Leo Burnett - 

"Fascism is capitalism plus murder."
 - Upton Sinclair -

  "All children are born geniuses. 9,999 out of every 10,000 are swiftly, inadvertently, degeniused by grown-ups."
 - Buckminster Fuller -

  "Critics of the intended new Pax Americana should not hesitate to say that long-agreed ethical principles are being violated. It is wrong to break treaties, as the United States is doing in its treatment of POWs in Cuba. It is wrong to wage aggressive war, as the United States now openly does. To make decisions for or against such policies on supposedly pragmatic grounds is to break the crucial link between means and ends, as if an outcome ('regime change') can justify whatever was done to accomplish it. In the long run, the only truly pragmatic act is the moral act."
 - James Carroll: A Nation Lost -

  "The enemies of Islam want to invade us with all possible means, and therefore they have circulated among us this doll, which spreads deterioration of values and moral degeneracy among our girls."
 - The Al-Madina regional branch of the Saudi religious and morality police on Barbie Dolls -

"Alan Ladd's repentant gunslinger wasn't protecting his family; he was strapping on the holster to defend the family for whom he worked as a hired hand. He also made it a point of honor never to be the first to draw. It was the bad guys and yellowbellies who went for their guns to get a jump on decent folk. Shane's personal code and Bush's doctrine of pre-emption occupy clashing moral universes."
 - James Wolcott on Howard Fineman comparing Bush to Shane -

"Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall."
 - Proverbs 16:18 -

"To recap: a firm which pays the Vice President of the United States a million dollars a year has now taken over operation of Iraq's oil wealth. There have been times in American history when such an arrangement would have been called by its true name: 'corruption.' But these are not such times."
 - Chris Floyd: How "Blood Money" Becomes "Business Opportunities" -

"'Tis is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
- Charles Darwin -

"Give a man a mask, and he'll tell you the truth."
 - Oscar Wilde -

"I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it."
 - Tom Stoppard -

"To the victor belong the oils."
 - William Learned Marcy by way of Dwight Burke -

Flash of the Week

 Courtesy of The Daily Show, George W. Bush debates George W. Bush.

Quizzes of the Week

Texas has passed a law requiring doctors to inform women that abortion might lead to breast cancer, despite the fact that scientists at the American Cancer Society and the National Cancer Institute say there is no medical evidence of it. Texans can best deal with this contradictory information by: 

A) waiting for better science to come along. 
B) putting their hands over their ears and screaming. 
C) moving to Oklahoma.
- Ironic Times -

Pop quiz from the Baltimore Independent Media Center.

Political Corruption of the Week

"Click on Sen. Alfonse D'Amato (R-NY) and you'll learn how he bought up public utilities stock just two days before President Bush signed the National Energy Conservation Act, which deregulated energy transmissions, offering growth opportunities for many utilities. Was it a coincidence that Rep. Newt Gingrich (R-GA) helped kill amendments to cut funding for the space station program just three weeks after buying stock in Boeing, which was subsequently named the prime contractor for the station? Got milk? Senator Lloyd Bentsen (D-TX) bought stock in food and dairy company Morningstar Foods just four days before the introduction of an amendment to the National School Lunch Act. The amendment called for diversifying milk choices for school lunch programs, opening the door for Morningstar's various milk products. Later that year Bentsen unloaded his Morningstar stock just before the Justice Department opened a probe into the company for bid-rigging."
 - Howard Rheingold on mojowire -

Backpedalers of the Week

What a Tangled Web We Weave When First We Practice to Deceive is a list of contradictory quotes from our administration concerning weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, with links to the original stories to back them up. As though you need further proof we're being lied to, check out Weapons Wobble.

Poster of the Week

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Congratulations, you live in a world in which breast feeding a baby is considered a terrorist act.

Oregon's going nuts. Check out this PDF file which contains a list of everything that will be considered terrorism if a certain insane bill passes.

The US has plans to turn Guantanamo Bay into a death camp.

Everything Else

Thinking of climbing Mount Everest? Use Mountain Insanity Adventures to plan your trip.

Throwing a dinner party? Want to scare away the Republicans? Why not Rent-a-Negro?

DVDs that can only be played once? Yeah, that's a good idea.

Go here and you can find out who owns the media in your area.

Robert Birnbaum talks to Iris Chang, who wrote the highly praised The Rape of Nanking, about class conflict, the Qing dynasty, The Chinese Exclusionary Act, the famous Wong Kim Ark case, racism, Dr. Tsien Hsue-shen, the Pakistani rape of Bengali women in the '70s, Chang and Eng, Sino-American relations, adoption of Chinese babies and, yes, writing. 

You thought the story of the flight school in Florida was over? Think again.

Get the jump on Halloween at the Haunted Garage Sale.

Scourge of abusers and celebrator of delights, they are the defenders of the English language. The Discouraging Word does what few dare to do: English itself. Check out their latest defensive and offensive efforts.

 The good news: Bush's tax bill increases the child credit. The bad news: not for low-income families.