They Cloned Hitler's Dick

UPI: Dateline - June 21, 2003

George W. Bush's long awaited autobiography, "Whom Am I?", contains some startling revelations about his conception. Long believed to be the biological son of George Herbert Walker Bush, George W. Bush is in fact the product of a cloning experiment instigated by his grandfather, Nazi sympathizer Prescott Bush, whose financial dealings with the Nazi party included a bizarre souvenir from the Third Reich that was kept on ice for decades after the war.

Video You'll Never See on TV

The evil Dr. Bushenstein creates a new Supreme Court Justice.

Internet Doohickey of the Week

Want a new look for your website? Go here and keep hitting REFRESH until you see one you like, then steal it.

Apology of the Week

Disinfotainment Today would like to apologize to Ivan Zudropov, the man who actually claims to own Hitler's dick, which he is selling on eBay. Disinfotainment Today actually has no evidence whatsoever that George W. Bush was cloned from Hitler's dick other than his behavior.

Reason #7 Why It's Good to be Poor

Expensive canned albacore tuna has four times the level of toxic mercury as cheap "light" tuna.

Reason #438 Why It's NOT Good to be Poor

To restore $1 billion in critical military housing funds, Democrats proposed a tiny cut to the tax breaks Republicans gave to millionaires. Republicans refused. They kept the billion dollars in cuts to housing for our men and women in uniform and their families so that those earning more than $1 million or more per year could get $88,326 in tax breaks instead of $83,546.

Time Wasters of the Week

Here's a bunch of quick loading Java games.

Better Cooking Through Chemistry

The Periodic Table of Condiments that Periodically Go Bad.

Why Don't the Democrats Try This?

A marriage between two donkeys has been performed in southern India in the hope it will bring much needed rain.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

We're currently in negotiations with the Taliban.

American soldiers in Iraq have made the astonishing admission that they regularly kill civilians.

Vladimir Putin (our ally) has taken the last independent TV station in Russia off the air.

Best Excuse Not to Eat Chicken Soup

Magic Mushrooms and Other Highs from Toad Slime to Ecstasy is a fantastic new book edited by Paul Krassner that features lots of interesting people's experiences taking psychedelics. It's only available at his website. The book was supposed to be called LSD for the Soul but the Chicken Soup people threatened to sue.

Songs You'll Never Hear on the Radio

Download dozens of fantastic songs at Protest Records.

Calling All Plagiarists

Dave Barry has a blog.

The Court-appointed Bush Administration's 
Handy Thumbnail Guide to Evaluating Protesters

Protesters in Iran are wonderful patriots
Protesters in America are traitors
Protesters in Europe are invisible
Protesters in Iraq are shot on sight
- Barry Crimmins -

He Must Have Responded to the Spam
Promising to Increase the Size of Your Balls

Democratic presidential contender John Kerry is saying some pretty interesting things.

Miso Horny

Women who drink a lot of miso soup reduce the risk of breast cancer.

U.S. Comes Out for Killing the Reincarnated

"These despicable suicide attacks were committed by killers whose only faith is hate. And the United States will find the killers, and they will learn the meaning of American justice."
 - George W. Bush: CNN, May 13 -

Don't Take My Word For It

     "After takeovers, buy outs, and mergers, there remained only half a dozen or so editors of any importance. This was because Random House, Knopf, Pantheon, Crown, Vintage, Bantam, Doubleday, Dell, and others were now all owned by Bertelsmann of Germany. Viking, Penguin, and others were now owned by Pearson of Britain. Simon & Schuster, Scribner, Pocket Books, and Atheneum were all owned by Viacom; Warner Books and Little, Brown were now owned by AOL. St. Martin's, Henry Holt & Co., and Farrar, Straus & Giroux were owned by another kraut conglomerate, Verlagsgruppe Georg von Holtzbrinck; Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation owned HarperCollins, Lippincott, Morrow, Avon, and others. These six corporate entities now controlled about seventy-five percent of the adult book market; and four of these six controlled about two thirds of the market by themselves.
     "Only two of these six corporations, AOL and Viacom, were American, and both of these were based predominantly in media other than traditional publishing, which was to them but an insignificant and vestigial appendage.
     "Thus, as publishing was the primary business of neither Viacom nor of AOL, it could now be said that there were in effect no major American publishers left in America."
 - Nick Tosches: In the Hand of Dante -

"If the behavior to be controlled lies in the field of institutional morality, the objective must be to remove it to the field of unthinking habit, or to the doubtful field. As long as the person to be controlled knows that what he is doing is right, there is little chance that he will change. Social control is usually such that its effectiveness is in direct ratio to the lack of awareness on the part of the controlled that they are being controlled. Inherent in every form of social control is the inculcation of a concept in the mind of the individual. Once the validity of a belief is accepted by the individual, he assumes an obligation for its enforcement in his own behavior. It is for this reason that the individual is in most instances quite unaware of the fact that he is being controlled by the group.
 - Joseph S. Roucek, Ph.D.: Social Control, 1947 -

"Religion of Humanity: In the name of the past and of the future, the servants of humanity -- both its philosophical and its practical servants come forward to claim as their due the general direction of this world. Their object is to constitute at length a real providence in all departments,--moral, intellectual, and material. Consequently they exclude once for all from political supremacy all the different servants of God -- Catholic, Protestant, or Deist -- as being at once behindhand, and a cause of disturbance."
 - Encyclopedia Britannica, Fourteenth Edition -

 "It is indeed an ambitious conception, this idea of blueprinting the outlines of a truly worthful society for the future and then politicking social evolution deliberately and intelligently toward that goal. There are those who regard such an ambition as ludicrously impossible. Yet this is the supreme aspiration of social science."
 - Ross L. Finney, PH.D.: A Sociological Philosophy of Education -

"The only real life is the collective life of the race; individual life has no existence except as an abstraction."
 - August Comte: System of Positive Polity -

"It is clearly in evidence that the science of creating and transmitting public opinion under the influence of collective emotion is about to become the principal science of civilization to the mastery of which all governments and all powerful interests will in the future address themselves with every resource at their command."
 - Benjamin Kidd: The Science of Power -

"The old rule of international law, that a citizen of one country has no rights in any other save such, if any, as have been expressly conferred, must give way to the higher and better doctrine that in every land the people of other countries should have all the rights and privileges of citizens, except such, if any, as have been expressly withheld...We would make of many peoples one truly human race; we would form of many states one mighty and harmonious brotherhood of nations, over whose bounteous fields, tilled by enlightened industry, guarded by establish justice, and reaped by willing hands for happy homes, shall bend forever the bounteous skies of peace."
 - Charles Carroll Bonney: World Congress Auxiliary president, from The World Parliament of Religions Address at the 1893 World's Columbian Exposition -

"A great revolution, you must remember, which is to profoundly change a form of society, must accumulate a tremendous moral force, an overwhelming weight of justification, so to speak, behind it before it can start."
 - Edward Bellamy: Equality, 1897 -

"Pornographic literature serves the Empire. One tames people as one tames lions, by masturbation."
 - The Goncourt Brothers -

"This week the U.S. Supreme Court ruled on the case of a dentist who's been behind bars for SIX years awaiting trial for 'Medicaid fraud'; charges which, if they were all PROVEN true, would only have netted the man a little over THREE years of prison time!"
 - Mary Starrett: Welcome to the Gulag -

"For the rest of the planet, the problem isn't Clinton's guys, it's Bush. In nation after nation, people affirm democratic ideals that they still generally associate with the United States -- but not with its president. In the 21 nations polled last month, respondents in 17 said that the problem with the United States was 'mostly Bush' rather than 'Americans in general.' ...In disdaining the United Nations and NATO, in proclaiming for his nation the right to preemptive war and immunity from international standards, and in waging a war based on trumped-up allegations, Bush has clearly decided that it is better for the United States to be feared than admired. Our greatest presidents haven't viewed foreign relations as requiring this kind of trade-off. Under Franklin Roosevelt, the United States had the world's mightiest arsenal and was its beacon of hope. But that's the kind of synthesis that Bush seems incapable even of imagining.  Bush is the guy who almost never traveled abroad until he became governor of Texas. On the contrary, he revels in the role of the belligerent provincial. And after 2 1/2 years as president, damned if he hasn't remade the world in his own xenophobic image of it."
 - Harold Meyerson: Reaping the World's Disfavor -

"Does he think we don't notice?"
 - Senator Jim Jeffords: National Press Club speech -

"It only took three months of 'secret arrest' to get the latest 'al Qaeda operative' to admit he was planning to blow up the Brooklyn Bridge. This confession came right after federal interrogators got the suspect to admit he had purchased the bridge early last year."
 - Barry Crimmins -

"When an Iranian earthquake or a Bali bomb blast occurred, 200 of New York's bravest and all that rescue paraphernalia for which we are famous -- Jaws of Life cutters, search dogs, remote cameras -- would immediately be dispatched. In my dream, I see NYFD pulling trapped Persian grandmothers out of that collapsed mosque. And the fantasy plays on out, with the president -- Bush would be especially great at this part -- taking to a podium and saying, 'Al Qaeda blows up buildings and kills people. We dig through rubble and save human lives. This is what America does.'"
 - Jack Hitt: A Bully's Pulpit -

"When help is rendered by weighing the receiver's needAnd not the donor's reward, its goodness grows greater than the sea."
 - Tirukkural 103 -

"If terrorists attack us and world opinion sees us as selfish, spoiled, destructive and imperialistic, acting that way even more will stop the attacks and change world opinion. The more people vilify other people, the more adult they are. We say they're evil; they say we're evil. Evil people kill innocent civilians, believe God is guiding them and hate ambiguity. God wants a lot of people dead."
 - Bob McGuffin: Things I've Learned or Concluded in the Last Couple of Years -

"Gregory Peck and I never met, but there was something about me that bothered him."
 - The Blacklisted Journalist: Gregory Peck and Me -

"There is in each of us a creative genius. Some of us are creative in our denying of this and work, with the patience of a poet, endlessly editing ourselves to be less than we might be. The art of living begins with accepting we are artists."
 - Noah ben Shea -

"Art is making something out of nothing and selling it."
 - Frank Zappa -

"You have to work hard if you want to make a name for yourself!"
- Anonymous -

Belated Christmas Gift of the Week

Does your truck have nuts?

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

There's no finer way to invite the stormtroopers to your door than to register to vote for Dennis Kucinich.

Harry Potter and the Herniated Disk

J.K. Rowlings new book weighs 2.2 pounds.

History Lesson from Hell

Yassar Arafat won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1994. Here's his official Nobel bio.

Don't Tell Your Kids

The ghost of Dr. Seuss asks Would You Like to Bomb Iran?

No Kidding, I Didn't Make This Up

When Agent Robert Wright of the FBI's Chicago Division told the Chicago special agent-in-charge that "the international terrorism unit of the FBI is a complete joke," within three weeks, the OPR opened an inquiry into charges that Wright had supplied "classified information" to an assistant U.S. attorney.

Quiz from Hell

Who "has undermined the integrity of his office, has brought disrepute on the Presidency, has betrayed his trust as President, and has acted in a manner subversive of the rule of law and justice, to the manifest injury of the people of the United States."

 a) Bill Clinton
b) George W. Bush

Answer: Unless you think that lying about sex caused injury to the people of the United States, this quote from Bill Clinton's 1998 impeachment more accurately applies to b).

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: Jayson Blair wasn't the only liar at the New York Times. Read about the crap they wrote about Cynthia McKinney.

Ted Rall asks They Impeach Murderers, Don't They?

The Big, Left, Outside blog is full of information that will make want to kill somebody small, right, and inside.

Two out of three Britons don't know how to use a toothbrush properly.

What's wrong with the presidency? A paucity of veracity.

Come feast at The Indigestible.

Fans of They Might be Giants (You're not?) can download a desktop clock radio that plays hundreds of their songs.

If you went to Beverly Hills High School like me, you may have inhaled benzene from the oil well. Here's a doctor with free help and a questionnaire.

You think we got problems? Check out the idiots who run Sri Lanka.