Impeachable Offense?

UNITED STATES CODE
TITLE 4, CHAPTER 1, Section 8: Respect for flag
(g) The flag should never have placed upon it, nor on any part of it, 
nor attached to it any mark, insignia, letter, word, figure, 
design, picture, or drawing of any nature.

Medley of Short Rewrites

Uday in the Life

I read the news today, oh boy
About Iraqi man who made the grave
And though the news was rather sad
Well I just had to laugh
I saw the photograph

Let's Call the Husseins Off

You spell it Uday but I spell it Udai
You spell it Qusay but I spell it Qusai
Uday, Udai, Qusay, Qusai, let's call the Husseins off

Uday in the Life of a Fool

Uday in the life of a fool
A sad and a long, lonely day
I walk the avenue
Hope I don't run into
The ugly sight of you coming my way 

Qusay What You Say

Cus what you say is what Qusay, say what Qusay how you say it whenever you sayin' itjust remember how you said it when you was sprayin' it, so who you playin' wit, huh?.

Apologies to John Lennon, Ira Gershwin, Carl Siman, Antonio Marizand, Luiz Bonfa, and Eminem.

Use the Courts, Luke

All of you who downloaded that hysterical video of portly Quebec teenager Ghyslain Raza pretending to be a Jedi should be ashamed of yourselves. I know I am. Nothing like a dose of public humiliation to get your day going, but your joy at someone else's expense has had an unfortunate side effect. Ghyslain's parents are suing the classmates who posted it to the net, saying their son was so humiliated by the experience that he had to get psychiatric care.

Boycott of the Week

UPS has built their first solar powered distribution facility in the Coachella Valley, containing 144 panels and spanning an area the size of a football field. If it's successful, they will build more solar powered shipping centers, draining more and more power from the sun until we're left with nothing to create our precious carcinomas. Obviously they must be stopped and forced to go back to electricity generated from good old reliable coal-burning generators. Use FedEx.

Vietnam Redux

The last time I checked the ticker at Cost of War in Iraq, it was at $70,863,227,998.

Fake Headlines of the Week

Antidepressant May Help Compulsive Shoppers
"We're having a sale on the new wonder drug now!" says pharmacist
- National Lampoon -

Bush Defenders: Clinton Was Worse
Starting unprovoked war "not as bad" as getting blow job from intern
- Ironic Times -

RONALD REAGAN RECALLS GRAY DAVIS 
Ex-prez still hazy on Iran-Contra, However
- The Rose Review -

U.S. SENDS UDAY AND QUSAY'S HEADS ON 21-CITY TOUR 
'Not Gloating,' Cautions Rumsfeld
- The Borowitz Report -

An Arabic word in the original text of the Koran meaning "white raisins" was later mistaken for the word for "dark-eyed virgins."
And a Hebrew word in the original text of the bible meaning "pretzels" was later mistaken for the word for "body of Christ"- Disinfotainment Today -

Troops To Stay In Iraq 
"At least democracy's flowering over there. They could be here, where it's nearly fucking dead," says Professor Arthur Rucker
- The Onion -

Google Smackdown of the Week

vs.

and the winner is...

"I like oral sex" by 893

Shockwaves of the Week

Mark Fiore presents Grunt Vision goggles that enable you to see through the politics and experience Iraq as if you were really there.

If you watch this biography of Jack Schitt, the next time someone says "You don't know Jack shit," you can say "Yes I do."

Surely you've got something better to do than check out the adventures of renowned pessimist August Strindberg and a talking helium balloon.

 I Feel So Much Safer Now

Israel is releasing up to 100 jailed members of Islamic Jihad and Hamas, but they're still hanging on to Mordechai Vanunu.

California residents can buy a new Governor on eBay.

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

To clean your microwave organically without any chemical residue, pour approximately 1/4 cup of Realemon juice undiluted into a small microwave safe glass dish. Microwave juice for 30 seconds or so, just until juice begins to boil. Once it's boiled, let it sit in the microwave for a couple of minutes so the lemon steam coats the inside of the oven. Remove container and wipe down the lemony residue from inside with paper towels. This will rid your microwave of grease, splatters, odor and stains without chemicals, leaving it sparkly clean!

Free Music

Surely you've got something better to do than listen to A Shoggoth on the Roof, a bizarre take on Fiddler on the Roof as reimagined by H.P. Lovecraft.

Allies from Hell

The very first Japanese troops in a combat zone since WWII are joining the party in Iraq. Let's hope they're as successful as they were last time.

Paranoid Site of the Week

Police State does a damn good job of convincing you that we're all in deep shit (Jack's cousin).

Chart of the Week

Obviously there are still too many corporations controlling U.S. Media. We don't want to return to the 80s of disco and cocaine and God knows who giving you your news. Too confusing. Let's get that 6 down to 1. Write Dubya and tell him to veto the current legislation that restores safeguards against further media consolidation.

Calling All Hippies

Like all you have to do, man, is run your mouse over the clouds and like you make them rain and it makes the flowers grow. But you can't put them in your hair. Bummer.

Quiz from Hell

Who made the following statement?

"I'd like to see George W. Bush's balls served on a platter."

a) Al Gore

b) Idi Amin

Answer: both.

The Previous Joke Explained

Al Gore's statement was figurative. Al was really saying he'd like to see Bush publicly humiliated but he's scared of getting sued by George's parents.

Idi Amin's statement was literal. You young punks might not remember, but about 20 years ago there was a documentary called "Idi Amin Dada" in which Idi, the insane dictator of Uganda, admitted to a taste for cannibalism. He liked to eat his enemies. Idi was saying that he would actually like to see George W. Bush's balls really served on a platter with a nice Bernaise sauce, some Pate Loveless de Foie Gras, a fried egg on top, and spam.

Why the Previous Joke is No Longer Funny

I explained it.

Fairy Tale from Hell

The Little Boy Who Hated to Share has a wonderful heart-warming message for everyone who wants to get ahead.

Belated Christmas Gift

Please explain how you've lived your life so far 
without a Job action figure to torment.
Straight from the bible.
Doubles as a dildo.

Don't Take My Word For It

"The greatest price of refusing to participate in politics is being governed by your inferiors."
- Plato: The Republic -

"This administration has had a faith-based intelligence attitude. It's top-down use of intelligence; 'We know the answers, give us the intelligence to support those answers.'"
- Greg Thielmann: director of the office of Strategic, Proliferation, and Military Affairs in the State Department's Bureau of Intelligence and Research until September 2002 - 

"The year 2000 was the worst in the state's history, not because of problems related to security, economy and corruption; it was the year of moral degeneration during which we became an apartheid state, it was the year in which the government's legal advisor began burying the democratic system."
- Shulamit Aloni: former Israeli Minister of Education -

"The killing of the Hussein boys violated the US government's ban on political assassinations as well as its nix on displaying photographs or video of war dead. A Pentagon spokesperson said, 'We would have liked to have broken some other rules but things happened so quickly we had to settle for shattering those two.'"
- Barry Crimmins -

"In the beginning of a change, the patriot is a scarce and brave man, hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds however, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot."
-Mark Twain -

"I will not choose what many men desire, because I will not jump with common spirits and rank me with the barbarous multitudes."
- William Shakespeare: The Merchant of Venice, Act 2, Scene IX -

"Don't worry that your children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you."
- Robert Fulghum -

"Dear Mr. Vice President: While it has been widely reported that the President made a false assertion in his State of the Union address concerning unsubstantiated intelligence that Iraq purchased uranium from Niger, your own role in the dissemination of that disinformation has not been explained by you or the White House. Yet, you reportedly paid direct personal visits to CIA's Iraq analysts; your request for investigation of the Niger uranium claim resulted in an investigation by a former U.S. ambassador, and you made several high-profile public assertions about Iraq's alleged pursuit of nuclear weapons. We hope that you will take the opportunity to provide responses to the following ten questions."
- Congressional representatives Bernie Sanders, Dennis Kucinich, and Carolyn Maloney: members of the Subcommittee on National Security, Emerging Threats and International Relations, in a letter to the Veep with ten pointed questions to answer -

"You can see that 5 million people [in Saddam's time] were associated with different armed groups, whether it was civil defense, the main army, paramilitary troops or volunteer forces. Those people were given something to make their ends meet. Suddenly, these people became jobless. Now, you have to reckon with those jobless peoples' sentiments, certainly they could go on the rampage."
- Kasim Jamal: a leader of the Kurdistan Democratic Party -

"When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"
- Steven Wright -

"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait -

"Arnold Schwarzenegger. Finally a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German."
- Bill Maher -

"The administration sold the connection [between Iraq and al-Qaida] to scare the pants off the American people and justify the war. What you've seen here is the manipulation of intelligence for political ends.... Had this report come out in January like it should have done, we would have known these things before the war in Iraq, which would not have suited the administration."
- Former Senator Max Cleland: member of the joint congressional committee that conducted the investigation into September 11 [UPI, 7/23/03] -

"If you can't have faith in what is held up to you for faith, you must find things to believe in yourself, for a life without faith in something is too narrow a space to live."
- George E. Woodberry -

"Every single day, more soldiers die or are wounded. Early on Tuesday, a US soldier was killed in yet another grenade attack. On Sunday, two other soldiers were killed. These casualties brought the 'official' death toll to 153 in just over 4 months. However, Editor and Publisher's Greg Mitchell pointed out Thursday that these tallies only include 'combat' deaths, and that the total number of deaths – from accidents, 'friendly fire' and even a few suicides – is actually pushing 230. However, these 'non-combat' casualties are being downplayed – provoking irate Americans to demand the truth."
- Christopher Deliso: Respect the Troops, Not Their Spineless Leaders -

"Country roads take me home to the place I was born. West Virginia, mountain mama, take me home country roads."
- Dan Rather on the homecoming of Jessica Lynch -

"We now know that none of the justifications we used for the invasion of Iraq were true!  Since we seem to have attacked and destroyed a country that never posed a danger to us, the only honorable thing left for us to do is to sit down with whatever leaders we can find alive in Iraq and apologize to them. Then we need to offer to pay them for everything we broke and for all the thousands of Iraqis we killed during the invasion."
- David Brownlow: It is Time for the Truth -

"Those who have been intoxicated with power never willingly abandon it." 
- Edmund Burke -

"They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white . . .  Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn't taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently."
-  Ms. Mariann Simms: Winner of this year's Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for the worst opening line of a novel -

"Jewish history attests the power of the spirit. Where are the ancient empires that decimated Samaria in 722 BCE, Jerusalem in 586 BCE and 70CE, the Jewish communities of the Rhineland in 1096, Spanish Jewry in 1492 or European Jewry in the Holocaust? The vanquished long outlived their oppressors. Inestimable losses and unimaginable suffering failed to deplete the spiritual reservoir of the Jewish people. On the contrary, the vanquished survived to write the history of their losses. Memory rendered past calamities into an anguished present that never fades."
- Dr. Ismar Schorsch: chancellor of the Jewish Theological Seminary -

"If the president calculatedly and repeatedly violates his oath, if the president breaks the covenant of trust he has made with the American people, he can no longer be trusted. And because the executive plays so large a role in representing the country to the world, America can no longer be trusted."
- Henry Hyde on Bush Clinton -

"This is madness. We do not need this chemical. We do need the ozone layer. How stupid can people be?" 
- Dr. Joe Farman: the Cambridge scientist who discovered the Antarctic ozone hole, on Bush undermining the ozone treaty by seeking to perpetuate the use of the most ozone-destructive chemical still employed in developed countries -

"Americans are angry over President Bush falsely claiming Iraq bought Uranium. They want to know what George Bush knew, and when Dick Cheney explained it to him."
- Craig Kilborn -

"The public was told that Saddam posed an imminent threat. If that claim was fraudulent, the selling of the war is arguably the worst scandal in American political history  worse than Watergate, worse than Iran-contra. Indeed, the idea that we were deceived into war makes many commentators so uncomfortable that they refuse to admit the possibility."
- Paul Krugman -

"During the initial assault on Baghdad, soldiers set up forward bases named Camp Shell and Camp Exxon. Those soldiers knew the score, even if the Pentagon's talking points dismissed any ties between Iraqi oil and their blood. The Bush/Cheney administration has moved quickly to ensure U.S. corporate control over Iraqi resources, at least through the year 2007. The first part of the plan, created by the United Nations under U.S. pressure, is the Development Fund for Iraq, which is being controlled by the United States and advised by the World Bank and the International Monetary Fund (IMF). The second is a recent Bush executive order that provides absolute legal protection for U.S. interests in Iraqi oil."
- Steve Kretzmann and Jim Vallette: Operation Oil Immunity - 

"It's time to face the fact that copyright law currently is broken. It is making criminals out of music lovers and technologists. College students are being sued, ISPs are being forced to rat out their customers, some members of Congress are calling for college students to be jailed for file sharing, the list goes on and on. But there are more than 60 million people in the United States alone who use file sharing--more than the number of people who voted for our current President. If we all band together and stand up for our rights, we can change the law."
- The Electronic Frontier Foundation -

"For some time I have been disturbed by the way the CIA has been diverted from it's original assignment. It has become an operational and at times a policy making arm of the government."- Harry Truman - "Fear not the path of truth, for the lack of people walking on it."
- Robert F. Kennedy -

"The beliefs and policies being foisted on America bear no resemblance to the sentiments of the Founders of the Nation and are diametrically opposed to its Founding Documents."
- Al Cronkrite: Counterfeit: Republican Socialism -

"Well, this is the longest statement of disinformation that I think the American government has distributed to the American people. And for Dick Cheney just to recite these charges that we all know now not to be true, adds to the terrible politicization of intelligence that's created a scandal in the intelligence community unlike anything I ever saw in my 24 years in the C.I.A. That includes the period of Vietnam, the period of the intelligence failure on the Soviet union, and the incredibly contentious disputes over arms control." 
- Melvin Goodman: former CIA analyst in response to Dick Cheney's attempt to restate the administration's case for war at a speech at the conservative think tank The American Enterprise Institute -

"They (Republicans) have had control for 10 years, they've gotten arrogant, they demean the institution, they demean democracy by virtue of the heavy-handed way they run the House, minority rights are downtrodden, and it's time, Mr. and Mrs. America, to make a change." 
-  Dick Armey: Former GOP Leader quoted in the San Francisco Chronicle, 7/22/03 -

"Our heart knows what our mind only thinks it knows."
- Noah ben Shea -

"Anyone know the address to send flowers to the family?"
- Dr. No on the death of Uday and Qusay -

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Might I point out that it would have been a hell of a lot better if Tweedleuday and Tweedlequsay had been captured instead of killed? I mean they were in a building, right? Couldn't we have surrounded the building and waited them out, grabbed them, and put them on trial? Wouldn't a new Iraqi version of the Nuremberg trials have been nice, exposing to the world what they did? Wouldn't a quick death be much nicer to a rapist than spending the next few decades in a prison being sodomized by Bubba? Isn't there a teeny weeny chance they might have had some information we could have used? Was it really necessary to bulldoze the building after the massacre? Or did we HAVE to kill them because they might have mentioned that Bush was on the phone to their dad the day before the invasion making plans for his escape? Nah, there's no doubt about it. They knew too much. We had to KILL them so they wouldn't talk. Never mind.

The War Against Ourselves

The United States ranks 139th in average voter turnout among nations that hold competitive elections.

T-Shirt of the Week

From T-Shirt Hell

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: Bill Moyer's recent interview with Jon Stewart concerning the Daily Show & the state of media's involvement in political discourse in America.

Can we stop focusing on the 16 words and take a look at the 19 words right after them?

Using NORADs own press releases, a minute-by-minute chronology of the events of 9/11 from 7:59 a.m. till 10:06:05 a.m., and some fifth grade math, this site makes a very good case for the fact that a deliberate Stand Down (DEF: To end a state of readiness or alert.) happened on that horrible day.

Vinyl Record Day is a site dedicated to establishing August 12th as a day for friends and family to get together to enjoy music on vinyl records.

You may have thought that poetry was dead, but spectacular presentations like this may bring it back.

Media Whores Online has now been joined by TV News Lies as a major source of who's fibbing and why.