Fan Mail for Larry Flynt's Prayer for the Death of Bill O'Reilly

Sir,
That was really crappy, you should be ashamed.
A.G.

Dear A.G.,

    Just a month ago, on July 15, conservative Christian megalomaniac Pat Robertson asked his congregation to help him pray for the death of three Supreme Court Justices. In response to the court's decriminalizing sodomy, he called for a "prayer offensive," saying that "One justice is 83-years-old, another has cancer and another has a heart condition. Would it not be possible for God to put it in the minds of these three judges that the time has come to retire?"
     In Indianapolis, Greg Dixon, head of the Indianapolis Baptist Temple with a congregation of 8,000, endorsed prayers for death as a last resort. "We're tired of turning the other cheek," he said. "Good heavens, that's all that we have done."
      In Los Angeles, R.L. Hymers Jr., the pastor of the Fundamentalist Baptist Tabernacle called on his 400 member congregation in a prayer for the death of Supreme Court Justice William J. Brennen, Jr. because he supports a woman's right to have an abortion. He also ordered up an airplane to circle overhead trailing the message "Pray for Death: Baby-Killer Brennen."
     "I think it may be that we're on the avant garde: we're doing something that others will do later,"  said pastor Hymers.
     No shit, Sherlock. Turnabout is fair play.
     Flynt was just satirizing these assholes, and a damn good satire it was. They deserved it.

Who'da Thunk?

The Major of Hiroshima isn't happy with the new U.S. nuclear weapons policies.

Someone in the Bush administration has actually come out in favor of free speech.

The 2004 United States Presidential Election is for sale on eBay. (Only 3 more days)

Time Flies When You're Having Fun

It's the 35th anniversary of the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago.Yippie!

"The nomination of the boar hog Pigasus for President of the United States by the Yippies had been the most transcendentally lucid political act of the twentieth century."
- Robert Anton Wilson -

Saudi Arabia and Israel Find Common Ground
The Idi Amin Fan Club

Idi Amin is finally dead, but at least the Saudis kept him comfortable during his final days. And, of course, Israelis helped him take power in Uganda in the first place. (Special note: how do we know he's really dead without pictures of his corpse? Sure, the Saudis SAY they buried him, but still...)

Shockwave of the Week

New EZ-Clean works on everything, especially government documents.

Sale of the Week

Covering Your Ass

The Observer has obtained a 40-year-old confidential document from the secret Vatican archive which lawyers are calling a "blueprint for deception and concealment." The 69-page Latin document bearing the seal of Pope John XXIII was sent to every bishop in the world. The instructions outline a policy of "strictest" secrecy in dealing with allegations of sexual abuse and threatens those who speak out with excommunication.

Dueling Quotes

"We'll have time to look at it and determine whether or not our grid needs to be modernized. I happen to think it does, and have said so all along." 
- George Bush: 8/14/03 -

"In June of 2001, Bush opposed, and the congressional GOP voted down, legislation to provide $350 million worth of loans to modernize the nation's power grid because of known weaknesses in reliability and capacity. Supporters of the amendment pointed to studies by the Energy Department showing that the grid was in desperate need of upgrades as proof that their legislation sponsored by U.S. Rep. Sam Farr (D-CA) should pass. Unfortunately, the Bush Administration lobbied against it and the Republicans voted it down three separate times."
- politicalstrategy.org -

Too Much Information

The Dudley Knox Library at the Naval Postgraduate School has posted a page of information on Terrorism that is mind-bogglingly thorough. Less journalism, more graduate papers, offering a unique, well-researched, and completely devastating view of the tactic that won't go away.

Do Unto Others

Abu Ghraib, which was once one of Iraq's notorious prisons where Saddam Hussein had political prisoners tortured and hanged, has become a makeshift jail at the heart of the U.S. military's struggle to give Iraqis a new sense of justice. About 500 Iraqis are detained here and, like detainees in U.S. prison camps across Iraq, none has been allowed family visits. Only one out of 10 has been allowed to see a lawyer.
- Alex Rodriguez: Chicago Tribune -

The U.S. says it doesn't know how many detainees are at Guantanamo or who they are.

Internet Joke of the Week

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam told his driver: "Go to that farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what happened." 

One hour later, Saddam saw his driver coming back from the farm, his clothes all wrinkled, a bottle of wine in one hand, and a cigar in the other. 

"What happened to you?" Saddam asked. 

"Well, the farmer gave me a bottle of wine, his wife gave me the cigar and their 19-year-old daughter made wild passionate love to me," said the driver. 

"What did you tell them?" Saddam asked.

"Good evening, I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig," said the driver.

Saddam Hussein Now Looks Like...

a

b

Fake News of the Week

Schwarzenegger Criticizes California School System
"If it were any good, there wouldn't be millions of people dumb enough to vote for me"
- National Lampoon -

Buffet Joins Team Terminator
New campaign slogan: "Wasted Away Again in Californiaville"
- Disinfotainment Today -

All 135 Candidates to Debate
Each will be given two seconds to speak, one second for rebuttal.
- Ironic Times -

"I'm a top professional athlete alone in a swanky hotel room in an unfamiliar town. A lovely young hotel employee knocks on my door unbidden at midnight. I let her in. We begin engaging in consensual sexual activities. She decides to stop. I say no. How does that add up to rape? Sure, women have the right to say no, but so do men!"
- Kobe Bryant: Untrue News -

WHITE HOUSE RELEASES REDACTED VERSION OF CONSTITUTION
Twenty-eight Pages Deemed "Too Sensitive"
- The Borowitz Report -

Former President Carter To Be Tried For Peace Crimes
GENEVA, SWITZERLAND: An international peace-crimes tribunal commenced legal proceedings against former U.S. President Jimmy Carter for alleged crimes against inhumanity
- The Onion -

Google Smackdown of the Week

vs.

and the winner is...

"I should be president" by 72.

 I Feel So Much Safer Now

According to a survey taken by The New Freedom Forum First Amendment Center, almost one-fifth of Americans think the First Amendment goes too far in guaranteeing basic freedoms of speech, religion, press, assembly, and petition.

Fisher-Price Inc. has issued a recall for about a quarter-million crib mobiles that might leak battery acid (not napalm).

We're dropping napalm (not battery acid) on Iraqi troops.

Bush is taunting North Korea.

A growing militia of mostly Shia men have responded to the call to arms made by a maverick young cleric, Muqtader al-Sadr, in the Shia holy city of Najaf. Yep, there's a brand new Iraqi army unaffiliated with Saddam OR the U.S.

Lawyers are trying to change their ethics code so they can snitch to authorities, thus invalidating numerous episodes of The Practice.

Bush's new EPA rules could increase pollution by 1.6 million tons.

Cartoon of the Week

Gun Control

At a market in Tikrit, a group of Iraqi men openly and peacefully set out their guns for sale in a public square, just as they'd always been allowed to do under the regime of Saddam Hussein, and a normal part of Iraqi life. When prospective buyers approached the sellers, U.S. snipers opened fire and killed two of the men and wounded several others. 

"If anyone wants to know how U.S. officials would conduct themselves in America without constitutional restraints, just watch what they're doing in Iraq, where they are exercising omnipotent, dictatorial powers - no constitutional constraints whatsoever."
- Hornberger's Blog -

Border Control

A newly formed citizen's group based in Missouri has threatened to raise an "army" of volunteers to bring to the U.S. southwest border in Arizona in a bid to shut down illegal immigration from Mexico.

Sarcasm Free Zone

Want to prevent something like the east coast electrical disaster from ever happening to you? It's simple. Get out your checkbook and Get Off the Grid! Here too.

Satan Doesn't Want You to Know

Gigli sucks.

Activism of the Week

Private Rhonda Hazley asks for your assistance. She refused to take the anthrax vaccine due to religious objections and the fact she is currently breastfeeding her baby. She has been court-martialed by the military at Ft. Drum.

Please send a fax to Major General Hagenbeck Commander, 10th Mountain Division Ft. Drum, NY. 13602 (Fax Number: 315-772-5165). Please request that he give Private Hazley an Honorable Discharge. She served honorably and deserves this from our military. 

Please email public affairs at: afzs-pao@drum.army.mil or pao@drum.army.mil
Chaplain's office: AFZS-gch@drum.army.mil
Inspector General's office: afzs-ig@drum.army.mil

For more information on how the anthrax vaccine is affecting the military, go here.

Apology of the Week

James C. Moore, who voted for Bush in 2000, begs your forgiveness.

Poster of the Week

Compassionate Conservatism

The Bush administration plans to propose major cuts in Medicare payments for cancer drugs.

Unless Congress and President Bush take quick action when Congress returns after Labor Day, the uniformed Americans in Iraq and the 9,000 in Afghanistan will lose a pay increase approved last April of $75 a month in "imminent danger pay" and $150 a month in "family separation allowances."

Totally Wacko New-World-Order Site of the Week
(unless it's all true)

According to this site, the War in Iraq is just part of a bigger plan to increase Israel's borders.

Quiz from Hell

The 100 cases of pneumonia suffered by our soldiers in Iraq were caused by...

a) Industrial pollution (says MSNBC)
b) Bad anthrax vaccines (says Matt Drudge)
c) Our own depleted uranium (says Disinfotainment Today)

Monologue from Heaven

Hi! Hello! How are you?!  his is Bob "Dearly Departed" Hope live from Heaven. 

I know it's Heaven because I just played golf the other day and shot an 18! Again! Actually, I was playing with Moses, which was very surreal. Every time he hit his ball in the water hazard, he just parted the waves and played it as it lay. 

I know it's Heaven because Jack Benny can actually play his violin! Jack is a recent arrival to Heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told him he couldn't bring it with him. So, Jack told him to give him some time to think it over.

I know it's Heaven because I just saw Hedy Lamar. And she was naked! Naked! Of course, since this is Heaven, she saw me fully clothed.

Don't worry, Dolores! I'm waiting for you!

We have a special guest here, tonight, folks. It's Mary, the mother of Christ! Hi, Mary, how you doing?

"Just fine, Mr. Hope."

You can call me Bob.

"Is that you name or what you want done to your nose?"

Ha, ha, Mary. Ha ha! 

"Well, Bob, we do have some extra noses you can choose from. Here's Michael Jackson's original nose. It's been used but not much!"

Ha, ha, Mary! Tell me, what's new with you?

"Well, Bob. I'm worried about the folks on Earth. Lately, they claim to see me in tortillas."

Really?

"Yes, and frankly, it has me concerned.  If they're seeing images in their food, then I think faith is the least of their worries."

I couldn't agree with you more, Mary.

"And those images aren't even accurate, Bob. How does anyone know what I look like?  How do they know what my Son looks like? Don't you think He would have left a photograph if it was important? A sketching, maybe."

Good point, Mary.  Thanks for being here!

We were going to have some dead presidents roast me for a change, but none of them are here!  It's Heaven! I know it's Heaven because I just saw Dean Martin with a swizzle stick the size of Cleveland! I just saw Sammy Davis, Jr. and he had two eyes! I saw Elvis and since I'm dead, I know he is, too! I thought I saw Richard Lewis, but it was just his career! 

That's all for tonight folks! I'll be back for all eternity, remember! And since this is Heaven, the jokes will be funny!

- Lynette Sheffield -

Don't Take My Word For It

"This is the worst government the U.S. has ever had in its more than 200 years of history. This is not normal government policy. What we have here is a form of looting."
- George Akerlof: 2001 winner of the Nobel Prize for Economics -

"The opposite of courage is not cowardice, it's conformity."
- Jim Hightower: Thieves in High Places -

"Every really new idea looks crazy at first."
- Abraham H. Maslow -

"I know where weapons of mass destruction are. Joblessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Poverty is a weapon of mass destruction. Homelessness is a weapon of mass destruction. Poor health care is a weapon of mass destruction. And when the government lies to the American people, that is a weapon of mass destruction."
- Rep. Dennis Kucinich -

"The Village Voice took away all my hooker ads."
- Al Goldstein complaining about Screw Magazine's drop in revenue -

"Should a seeker not find 
a companion who is better or equal, 
let him resolutely pursue a solitary course; 
there is no fellowship with the fool."
- Buddha: Dhammapada 61 -

"Gray Davis' troubles were caused in large measure by a conspiracy of energy companies led by Ken Lay and blessed by Dick Cheney. The idea that any market manipulation was taking place was mocked as ridiculous paranoia by Republican pundits like Charles Krauthammer and William Safire. The recall effort was funded by more right-wing Republican money. And the states deficit is smaller, as a percentage of its budget, than is Bush's even though he refuses to spend anything like what's necessary for homeland security - something we will all someday regret. And what's the result? Voters will punish the Democrats and hand the Republicans the most Democratic state in America. Great."
- Eric Alterman: MSNBC -

"No Gotcha team hammers Bush day after day on talk radio or cable news about his many years as a drunk, or the missing year during his draft-evading service in the Texas Air National Guard, or the mysterious windfall oil profits that came his way when other investors in his company were losing their shirts. Reporters have only recently begun to mar his triumphalist excuses for press conferences by asking pesky questions about Saddam Hussein's phantom nuclear deal with Niger, or his putative al-Qaida connections, or other untruths this administration has found useful. The Niger-uranium deception finally undermined Bush's amazing reputation for plain speaking, but on most issues he still escapes sustained scrutiny."
- Todd Gitlin: The Clinton Legacy and America -

"President Bush left Saturday for four weeks on his Texas ranch. He plans to clear brush and chop trees and jog six miles a day in one hundred degree heat. The general idea is to convince North Korea that he is crazy enough to do anything."
- Argus Hamilton -

    "On BBC TV last month, I reported this: following the bombing of our embassies, the Clinton Administration sent two delegations to Saudi Arabia to tell their royal highnesses to stop giving money to the guys who are killing us. But Mr. Bush, once in office, put the kibosh on unfriendly words to the Saudis. Furthermore, in the summer of 2001, Mr. Bush disbanded the US intelligence unit tracking funding of Al Qaeda. What is it our G-men were uncovering?
   "According to two separate sources speaking to BBC, the funders of Al Qaeda fronts include those who have previously funded Bush family business and political ventures. Now that's a wee bit embarrassing. Something you wouldn't want in a congressional report. Something you may not want the FBI to dwell on. (And you can unlock the women and children: the BBC reports will NOT be broadcast on U.S. television.)" 
- Greg Palast -

"No matter the weasel words conjured up by desk-bound wordsmiths to disguise shrieking, agonizing bloody death caused by bullets gouging out gobbets of flesh from bodies that spout showers and jets of blood like a berserk fountain, there comes a time when the killing of civilians demands proper investigation."
- Brian Cloughley: What has happened to the US army in Iraq? -

"Obviously this coalition is not in the business of targeting reporters."
- Lieutenant Colonel Ken McClellan after his troops targetted a reporter -

"We have to believe that even the briefest human connections can heal. Otherwise, life is unbearable."
- Agate Nesaule: A Woman in Amber -

"Would we be better off if Saddam Hussein were still in power? That's the trump question hurled by desperate war defenders everywhere. I translate this to mean, would we be better off if George Bush's forces had not attacked Iraq and unseated Saddam Hussein? I'll answer a question with a question: Who's we? It's estimated that more than 6,000 civilians were killed in the Bush-instigated war. At least 10,000 Iraqis were injured. So let's get specific. Would those 6,000 civilians who are now in their graves have been better off if Bush had not launched his war? How about the more than 10,000 Iraqis, many of whom are likely disabled for life? Everyone is capable of answering these questions for himself."
- Sheldon Richman's Blog -

"Stepping up the Justice Department's battle with federal judges over sentencing guidelines, Ashcroft has directed government lawyers to report on judges who give out softer sentences and to start appealing those sentences in far higher numbers. The move, circulated in an internal memo last week, was anticipated under a measure known as the Feeney amendment, adopted by Congress in April to strengthen judges' adherence to new, stricter sentencing guidelines."
- Wall Street Journal -

"For years, the worst nightmare of the conservatives was that when the baby boomers began to take power, the country would end up with a president who was a draft-dodging, drug-addled deserter who would wreck the economy and bankrupt the government with deficit spending. When I think of the money and effort the conservatives put into getting Bush into the presidency, I am appalled at the lengths some people will go just to be right."
- an American citizen -

"I do not think marijuana should have a process different than any other drug to evaluate whether or not it has medical value."
- Howard Dean -

"Anyone who thinks medical marijuana needs more study is either an idiot or a politician."
- Xarvon, Alien Investigator -

"History Of Man: from bondage to spiritual faith, from spiritual faith to great courage, from courage to liberty, from liberty to abundance, from abundance to selfishness, from selfishness to complacency, from complacency to apathy, from apathy to dependency, from dependency back to bondage."
- Alexander Tytler -

"The American Republic will endure until politicians realize they can bribe the people with their own money."
- Alexis de Tocqueville -

"Truth is no theory, no speculative system of philosophy, no intellectual insight. Truth is exact correspondence with reality."
- Paramhansa Yogananda -

"If you detach yourself from identification with the body and remain relaxed in and as Consciousness, you will, this very moment, be happy, at peace, free from bondage."
- Ashtavakra Gita -

"Israel freed Palestinian prisoners on the same day Iceland resumed whaling. Coincidence? I don't think so."
- Helen A. Handbasket -

"The writer should always be ready to change sides at the drop of a hat. He stands for the victims, and the victims change."
- Graham Greene -

"Pro-war or anti-war, most Americans think we're obligated to stick around until we've rebuilt Iraq. Get real! You have only to look at Afghanistan to see that we're never going to build schools, skyscrapers and superhighways in Iraq."
- Ted Rall: Bring Home the Troops -

"Responsibility does not only lie with the leaders of our countries or with those who have been appointed or elected to do a particular job. It lies with each of us individually. Peace, for example, starts within each one of us."
- His Holiness the Dalai Lama -

"When in doubt, tell the truth."
- Mark Twain -

"Whenever a transgressor is praised, the Almighty Allah becomes enraged, and the Throne shudders in dismay."
- The Prophet Muhammad -

"Believe those who seek the truth; doubt those who find it."
- Andre Gide -

"One in six Indiana lawmakers has a permit to carry a firearm and several of the lawmakers keep the guns handy while doing the public's business on the floor of the House and Senate. These pistol-packing politicians have no problem with the availability of weapons in the Statehouse, and some even welcome the guns given the lax security at the state Capitol. 'If someone opens fire from the balcony, I want all the guns I can shooting back,' said Rep. Matthew Whetstone, R-Brownsburg. 'Unless, of course, there are school kids up there.'"
- Niki Kelly: Lawmakers governing with guns -

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different."
- Coco Chanel -

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."
- G.K. Chesterton -

"This is not the Utopian World that we have been promised. We do not have a World Without War and a clean and pure environment where people live with the Earth and not against it. We do not have a Nation that is By the People and for the People, we have a Nation that is by the Polluting Corrupt Corporations for the Corrupt Corporations. We do not have a land of Love and Decency, we have a Totalitarian State that rules by Lies and Half Truths, that worships money and power and where people are just pawns for the Republican Party to use to grasp and steal more and more money and power."
- Howard Scott Pearlman -

"So we cannot name this country, but it is, we can assume, a veritable Mecca of terrorist activity."
- Bill Maher -

"It's a land gripped by warlords, with terror, rape and murder, but you wouldn't know it from Kabul's new decadence. With the fundamentalists long gone and thousands of well-heeled foreign aid workers and ex-pat Afghans moved in, Kabul has been transformed from dusty backwater to wild party town - for those with the cash to enjoy it."
- Nick Meo: Afghanistan gets its first party town -

"What nobody seems to be mentioning right now is that we knew that Bush's 16-word statement in the State of the Union address was false before the war even started ... but Bush was allowed to get away with it as the momentum towards war grew."
- Barbra Streisand -

"Don't rain on my parade."
- W -

The War on Plants

John Ashcroft's nephew got probation after a major pot bust. Although his arrest for growing 60 plants could have landed him in federal prison, Alex Ashcroft was tried in state court and avoided jail - despite his uncle's crusade for tougher federal drug laws and mandatory prison sentences.

Mr. Conspiracy Says...

Did you know the U.S. Embassy canceled the booking of 10-20 rooms in the J. W. Marriott Hotel in Indonesia 4 1/2 hours before the recent explosion?  This information is from an employee of the Marriott Hotel who refused to be identified. He explained that the booking was made several days ago. The U.S. Embassy's guests had planned to stay for 3 days. Unfortunately, the only way to find this out is to go here and hire a translator.

Did you know there's a connection between the east coast blackout and the crash of the Columbia? Now you do.

Belated Christmas Gift from Hell

You don't have Jay and Silent Bob action figures?
 What the fuck's the matter with you?

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: Okay, it's not some wacky website but the Washington Post that has finally gotten around to writing an authoritative article, full of indisputable evidence and testimony, about the lies and deceptions propagated by George W. Bush to get us into a war against the guy who tried to kill his daddy.

I've been forwarded it a dozen times so I assume you've already read Greg Palast's Blackout Traced to Dim Bulb in White House. Read it before the lights go out.

Informed citizens are trying to reclaim the judicial branch of our government because they believe "The Law Exists to Protect the Individual from the Collective!!!" and "Liberty and Security are NOT mutually exclusive. In fact, in the final analysis, you cannot have Security without Liberty!!" They also believe in exclamation points.

Bush was called "President Shrub" in a Canadian government memo.

Everything you always wanted to know about peaches.

Fuck people, The Humane Society of the United States is promoting the protection of animals.

At Stupid Security, they've been exposing fake security since 2003. Ridiculous but true tales of people simply trying to board a plane or train.

Iraqi civilians will only be able to claim compensation from the United States for death or damage caused by the occupying forces that occurred AFTER May 1, the date George Bush declared the main combat operations at an end.

Mars is as close as it's been in 60,000 years. Here's the best guide to viewing.

They keep reporting the deaths of U.S. soldiers in Iraq while failing to even mention the more than 827 wounded.

This is an incomplete guide to recent false statements made by Republicans because a complete guide would take too much time to download.

The mission of Open Government Information Awareness is to empower citizens by providing a single, comprehensive, easy-to-use repository of information on individuals, organizations, and corporations related to the government of the United States of America. Find out exactly how much information you're not getting. 

The Internal Revenue Service has just activated a program on its website that lets you see, with only a few clicks of the mouse, whether you'll get a check and how much it might be for.

If you get an e-mail asking you if you prefer Pepsi or Coke, don't answer it. It's a telemarketing scam.

The Voter Confidence and Increased Accessibility Act of 2003 (Bill H.R.2239) institutes true election reform. Unfortunately, congressmen have still got to vote for it.

Is there an alternative to the death penalty? Glad you asked.