Good Ideas

     Given that Congress unconstitutionally delegated its power to declare war on Iraq to President Bush, thereby permitting him to commit our nation, its troops, and its resources to a nation that never threatened America, its almost a forgone conclusion that Congress will rubber-stamp his request to appropriate another $87 billion of U.S. taxpayer money into the black hole known as the Iraqi occupation. Such being the case, would it be inappropriate for the Congress to attach the following five simple strings on U.S. rule in Iraq to its appropriations bill?:

    1. The U.S. ruling regime in Iraq shall make no law or issue any order abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the regime for a redress of grievances.
    2. A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the Iraqi people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
    3. The right of the Iraqi people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.
    4. No person in Iraq shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law.
    5. Every person in Iraq shall be guaranteed the privilege of habeas corpus.

    Not only would these starter conditions set the basis for a free society in Iraq (which is what the U.S. officials claim they want), it would also benefit the American people by ensuring that U.S. officials not become overly comfortable exercising omnipotent and tyrannical rule over people.
- Hornberger's Blog -

    Perhaps it's time the United States had a corps of people trained as peace keepers and "nation builders." Those most likely to succeed at such tasks will probably not be soldiers  trained to kill and destroy.
   So why not invent something called... oh, I don't know... how about: The Peace Corps? Wait a minute -- that already exists. But what does it do? At Peace Corps headquarters in Washington, D.C., a sign reads: "You could spend two years teaching children in South Africa and discover you're the one who's learned the most." Therein lies the problem.
   The Peace Corps today is largely what it was when it was founded in the Camelot Era -- a marvelous adventure for liberal arts graduates who haven't yet decided whether to devote their lives to poetry or tax law. But the Peace Corps doesn't do peace-making or peace-keeping, and it doesn't have the skills to help host countries build the institutions of a modern state (e.g. an independent judiciary, a free press, a free market and constitutional guarantees of religious tolerance and minority rights).
    Why not re-fashion this antiquated tool for use in the 21st century? Why not recruit administrators, teachers, engineers, bankers, lawyers, businessmen, public health professionals and police? Why not have such a Peace (and Democracy?) Corps ready to deploy in places like Iraq, Liberia and Kosovo?"
- Clifford D. May -

This Would Have Never Happened Under Zippy Chickenhiney

In Dave Pilkey's Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants, the "evil Professor" forces everyone to assume new names. You will follow orders!

Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

Use the second letter of your last name for the first half of your new last name:

a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf g = lizard  h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker

Use the fourth letter of your last name to find the second half of your new last name:

a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice

For example, George W. Bush's new name is Goober Chickenshorts.
My new name is Buttercup Appletush.
Saddam Hussein is Gidget Chickenfanny.
Osama bin Laden is Poopsie Cootiebrain.
Tony Soprano is Zippy Bubblebuns.

- Thank you Phil Proctor (Chim-Chim Cootieface) - 

Don't Let the Door Hit Your Butt on the Way Out

Per Osama bin Laden's request, the last American combat troups have finally left Saudi Arabia.

Dueling Quotes

Snotty Liverbuns

General Wesley Clark says he would have voted for war.

General Wesley Clark says he wouldn't have voted for war.

"I am the oldest son, of the oldest son, of the oldest son - at least five generations, and they were all rabbis."
- General Wesley Clark -

More Dueling Quotes

"Our armies do not come into your cities and lands as conquerors or enemies, but as liberators."
- General Stanley Maude: British liberator of Iraq, buried in Baghdad, March 18, 1917 -

"We are not occupiers. We are liberators."
- General Colin Powell: American liberator of Iraq, buried up his own ass, September 14, 2003 -

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it."
- George Santayana -

"Those who cannot remember that last quote are condemned to retype it."
- Xarvon, Alien typist -

Speaking of the Past Repeating Itself

After reading my story about the debacle of the San Fernando Valley Weekly, ANOTHER publisher asked me to edit a brand new newspaper. I completed the first issue and it was rejected. Just so it wasn't a TOTAL waste of time, here's my version of Issue #1 of the Hollywood Free Press.

"The only time you have a free press is when you own one." 
- H.L. Mencken -

Fake News Stories of the Week

Face of Jesus Seen in Ozone Hole!
- The Daily Probe -

McDonald's to Offer Adult Happy Meal
Consists of oysters, a fifth of vodka, and a colorful condom.
- Ironic Times -

Osama bin Laden Mini Series Receives Academy Award Nomination
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have nominated videos depicting Osama bin Laden for "Best Costume Design", Committee Chair Richard Edlund announced today.
- dailyhog -

North Korea is preparing to test a ballistic missile with a range of 1,300 km called a Nodong
While North Korea having ballistic missiles is not a surprise, intelligence experts were astounded that the Koreans finally admitted to having small penises.
- Zach Everson's Fake News -

Traffic Lights from Hell

- Bad Designs -

Totally Insane Paranoid Website of the Week
(Unless it's all true)

Using various theories of quantum mechanics, Government black ops are able to accurately predict the future and put it to very bad use. (Basically Minority Report without Tom Cruise or the chicks in the bathtubs.)

Internet Shorts of the Week

At Monkey Dust, there are three hilarious urban dramas. Click on the door, the window, and the wall.

Optical Illusion of the Week

If Escher knew Flash, he'd create something like this.

 Divine Inspiration Dept.

A minor miracle occurred when over 70 newspapers printed exactly the same letter to the editor, but all written by different people who had all found exactly the same words to praise President Bush's tax cut. The letters all begin with the sentences: "When it comes to the economy, President Bush is demonstrating genuine leadership. The economic growth package he recently proposed takes us in the right direction by accelerating the successful tax cuts of 2001..." Opponents of the miracle thesis point to the growing practice of Astroturf organizing by PR fronts and to a Republican Website called "gopteamleader.com" which also contains a copy of the exact same letter with easy e-mail links to newspapers. And prizes for letter "writers."
- Wayne Grytting: American Newspeak, Word Collisions -

Who'da Thunk?

My site is now averaging more than 1,000 hits a day. Disinfotainment Today is the most popular page, which is as things should be, but the next few are a constantly changing mystery. The Ultimate List of Stupid Names is usually #2, and Five Things You Probably Didn't Notice in The Shining is usually #3, but lately it's been replaced by Are You Experienced?, a treatment for an interactive theatrical production about the '60s that I wrote years ago for Tom O'Horgan, the director of Hair and Jesus Christ, Superstar. Pretty esoteric. How could such a thing happen? A glance at my referrals reveals the startling news that I'm being linked to by universities. Are You Experienced? is now part of the curriculum of '60s studies at colleges across the land. 

Cartoon of the Week

by Al Franken

The War Against Plants

In a case in North Carolina, a man was charged with running a methamphetamine lab. The crime used to carry a prison sentence of six months, but a new state law, prompted by the Patriot Act, classifies the meth-lab ingredients as chemical weapons of mass destruction. As a result, Martin Dwayne Miller could receive 12 years to life in prison.

Only the United Nations would describe cutting the harvest of a crop by 33% as a "big dividend."

Some of the first patients to smoke Health Canada's government-approved marijuana say it's "disgusting" and want their money back.

I Feel So Much Safer Now

DARPA's Massive Urban Surveillance System has got hypersonic drones that fly 10 times the speed of sound, a digital super diary that records everything a person does, and cameras that track and identify every vehicle and its passengers. 

Don't Take My Word For It

"The writer is the person who stands outside society, independent of affiliation and independent of influence. The writer is the man or woman who automatically takes a stance against his or her government. There are so many temptations for American writers to become part of the system and part of the structure that now, more than ever, we have to resist. American writers ought to stand and live in the margins, and be more dangerous. Writers in repressive societies are considered dangerous. That's why so many of them are in jail."
- Don DeLillo -

"Saddam Hussein's stockpiles of weapons have been ground into radioactive bird feed in order to raise a species of super chickens capable of scratching out simple subtraction problems in the dirt. These new chickens will be known as Capons of Math Deduction." 
- Lewis Roth: Where Are the WMDs? The Winners Are... -

"Two years after the terror attacks of 9/11, the relationship between the U.S. government and the people it serves has dramatically changed; this new normal of U.S. governance is defined by the loss of particular freedoms for some, and worse, a detachment from the rule of law as a whole..."
- Assessing the New Normal: Liberty and Security for the Post-September 11 United States -

"The liberties of a people never were, nor ever will be, secure when the transactions of their rulers may be concealed from them."
- Patrick Henry -

"I hope that we shall crush in its birth the aristocracy of our monied corporations, which dare already to challenge our government to a trial of strength, and bid defiance to the laws of our country."
- Thomas Jefferson -

"The liberty of a democracy is not safe if the people tolerate the growth of private power to a point where it becomes stronger than their democratic State itself. That, in its essence, is Fascism -- ownership of government by an individual, by a group, or any controlling private power."
- Franklin Delano Roosevelt -

"I like Bush a lot. He gives me a deep sense of self-satisfaction. Despite all my suspicions, I am not the dumbest schmuck on the planet after all. That's nice to know. He constantly reminds me of that. Bush was a C-student in both high school and college. His former speech writer described him as incurious and uninformed. That is exactly the ideal president for this time in history. Most of the public is made up of C-students who are incurious and uninformed. What Bush says makes sense to them because they don't know any more about the world then he does. No wonder he is so popular. The dumber you are and the dumber you appear, the more popular you will be with the public." 
- Robert Anton Wilson: California Gubernatorial Candidate, Guns and Drugs Party -

    "When Hitler was rising to power in 1930s Germany, somebody did him the favor of burning the Reichstag, the German Parliament. It's widely believed the Nazis torched it themselves.
    "Hitler's cynical minions turned that fire into a horrific wave of terror. They blamed the communists and the Jews, the trade unionists and the homosexuals. With the support of a terrified populace, they suspended civil rights and civil liberties, fattened their war machine and rode the fascist tide into a full-blown dictatorship. The rest, as they say, is history.
    "The never-ending White House-sponsored orgy of 9/11 rhetoric, recrimination and retaliation has become a treacherous parallel. Few Americans believe the Bush Administration itself brought down the World Trade Center last year. But the conviction is widespread throughout Europe and the Muslim world, and for good reason."
- Harvey Wasserman: Bush's 9/11 Reichstag Fire -

"With bright literature, smiling faces on each page, donning a 'why not join in the fun' demeanor, one can only wonder, why aren't we all in the Army? It not only pays for the education any free man deserves, it also pays you to go have fun in Hawaii." 
- Jeff Nall: The U.S. Army - A Class Action Suit Waiting to Happen -

"Simply put, anyone living within 600 miles of Yellowstone could be sitting in a modern day Pompeii. In addition, for those living outside this area and West of the Mississippi river, there could be grievous consequences as well because systemic processes are now building beneath Yellowstone, that paint a very clear picture of a major eruption event in its early stages." 
- Larry Park and Marshall Masters: It Is Time To Cast a Worried Eye Towards Yellowstone -

"There was no imminent threat. This was made up in Texas, announced in January to the Republican leadership that war was going to take place and was going to be good politically. This whole thing was a fraud. My belief is this money is being shuffled all around to these political leaders in all parts of the world, bribing them to send in troops."
- Senator Edward Kennedy -

"I mean, Senator Kennedy, who I respect, and with whom I have worked, should not have said we were trying to bribe foreign nations. I mean, my regret is -- I don't mind people trying to pick apart my policies, and that's fine and that's fair game. But, you know, I don't think we're serving our nation well by allowing the discourse to become so uncivil that people say -- use words that they shouldn't be using." 
- Dubya -

"Nucular."
- Dubya -

"And shouldn't that be WHOM I respect?"
- Xarvon, Alien Grammarian -

"We're above nations. We control the control. I'll eat you all in the end."
- Lawrence Ferlinghetti on America -

"Our right lies in force. The word "right" is an abstract thought and proved by nothing. The word means no more than: Give me what I want in order that thereby I may have a proof that I am stronger than you."
- Protocol 12 of the Elders of Zion -

"It's a shell game, with money, companies and corporate brands switching in a blur of buyouts and bogus fronts. It's a sinkhole, where mobbed-up operators, paid-off public servants, crazed Christian fascists, CIA shadow-jobbers, war-pimping arms dealers -- and presidential family members -- lie down together in the slime. It's a hacker's dream, with pork-funded, half-finished, secretly programmed computer systems installed without basic security standards by politically partisan private firms, and protected by law from public scrutiny. It's how the United States, the world's greatest democracy, casts its votes. And it's why George W. Bush will almost certainly be the next president of the United States -- no matter what the people of the United States might want."
- Chris Floyd: Global Eye -- Vanishing Act -

"If Israel and the U.S. today continue their sophomoric policy of making believe that Arafat is the problem, does not count and should be shunned, jailed, expelled, or even killed, they are likely to reap the same results months and years down the road. The great irony is that Arafat today is a mediocre national leader and had been running into great problems with his own people in recent years, especially since the current intifada and war brought such suffering to many Palestinians. Left to his own domestic dynamics, Arafat was already being challenged by his own people, who had called for political reform well before the Americans and Israelis did."
- Fantasy will again fail as a policy in Palestine -

"I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq."
- Paul Wolfowitz: U.S. Deputy Secretary of Defense (7/21/2003) -

"Were criminals responsible for the sharp rise in credit card transactions that moved through some computer systems at the WTC shortly before the planes hit the twin towers? Or was it coincidence that unusually large sums of money, perhaps more than $100 million, were rushed through the computers as the disaster unfolded? A world leader in retrieving data, German-based firm Convar is trying to answer those questions and help credit card companies, telecommunications firms and accountants in New York recover their records from computer hard drives that have been partially damaged by fire, water or fine dust."
- China Daily -

"Here's the real scoop: All races of voters make errors on paper ballots. But in white counties like Leon (Tallahassee), if you make a stray mark or other error, the vote machine rejects your ballot, and you get another ballot to vote again. But in black counties like Gadsden, you make a mistake and the machine quietly accepts and voids your ballot."
- Greg Palast -

"Diplomacy: The art of saying 'Nice doggie' till you can find a rock."
- Wynn Catlin -

"The genius of you Americans is that you never make clear-cut stupid moves, only complicated stupid moves which make us wonder at the possibility that there may be something to them we are missing."
- Gamel Abdel Nasser -

"I do not pretend that birth control is the only way in which population can be kept from increasing. There are others... War has hitherto been disappointing in this respect, but perhaps bacteriological war may prove more effective. If a Black Death could be spread throughout the world once in every generation survivors could procreate freely without making the world too full."
- Bertrand Russell: The Impact of Science on Society, 1953 -

"We can cure almost every cancer right now. Information is on file in the Rockefeller Institute. But consider - if people stop dying of cancer, how rapidly we would become overpopulated. You may as well die of cancer as something else."
- Dr. Richard Day: former Medical Director of Planned Parenthood, March 20, 1969 -

"What should we do to eliminate suffering and disease? It's a wonderful idea but perhaps not altogether a beneficial one in the long run. If we try to implement it we may jeopardize the future of our species. It's terrible to have to say this. World population must be stabilized and to do that we must eliminate 350,000 people per day. This is so horrible to contemplate that we shouldn't even say it. But the general situation in which we are involved is lamentable."
- Jacques Cousteau: interviewed in The UNESCO Courier (For further quotes on death as "population control," go here) -

"In eight minutes, the U.S. Government spends more money on running an illegal and unnecessary war than it took for a group of researchers to develop photovoltaic technology that is over 100% more efficient than previous designs. This cannot be explained away as merely 'the vagaries of a big government,' or some sort of endemic negligence. I'm not even sure this can be chocked up to criminal collusion at the highest levels. Nope. What we are witnessing is nothing less than death throws of a system that has gone totally insane."
- cryptogon -

"Civilization means conforming to a standard of behavior that may not seem natural to us."
- Andy Rooney: 11/17/96 -

"Pretty clearly The Faithful already believe anything they like about the matter, and are certainly going to continue doing so. Facts have no power to deter True Faith, in the face of a Higher Truth."
- John Lawler -

"All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value."
- Carl Sagan -

    "If sometimes our great artists have been the most critical of our society, it is because their sensitivity and their concern for justice, which must motivate any true artist, makes him aware that our nation falls short of its highest potential. I see little of more importance to the future of our country and our civilization than full recognition of the place of the artist.
   "If art is to nourish the roots of our culture, society must set the artist free to follow his vision wherever it takes him. We must never forget that art is not a form of propaganda; it is a form of truth. And as Mr. MacLeish once remarked of poets, there is nothing worse for our trade than to be in style. In free society art is not a weapon and does not belong to the spheres of polemic and ideology. Artists are not engineers of the soul. It may be different elsewhere, but democratic society--in it--the highest duty of the writer, the composer, the artist is to remain true to himself and to let the chips fall where they may. In serving his vision of the truth, the artist best serves his nation."
- John Fitzgerald Kennedy: Amherst College, October 26th, 1963, in a tribute to the poet Robert Frost -

"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back -- Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth that ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." 
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe -

Satirical Site of the Week

How to fold a dollar bill into a donkey
(the Joseph Lieberman way)

Everything Else

Who's going to win the election? Don't ask the 8 ball, ask the Psychic Teevee. 

Click on any square in this aerial view of the WTC crime scene for a close-up view.

Okay, these files are gigantic so you'll need a fast modem and a lot of empty space on your hard disk, but it's worth it for free upgraded versions of Sierra's original King's Quest I & II.

The 9th of November (the anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall) is the International Day of Solidarity with Palestinians against the new Israeli Apartheid Wall.

Send an e-mail to anyone in the future. Pick yourself, pick a date, and it will be sent to you at the indicated time.

SAMPLE:

Dear future self,
Did you keep your promise to move out of the country if George W. Bush became president?
Alec Baldwin

Dear past self,
I said I'd move out of the country if George W. Bush was ELECTED president. Get your facts straight, you idiot.
Alec Baldwin

Why should you wait to get married to sign a pre-nuptial contract? Get yourself one of these pre-marital sex contracts, then take advantage of our new sodomy laws.

Compare this vehicle (a $100,000 SUV) with these vehicles and ask yourself which you really want.

Walter Cronkite's got 10 propositions for the Democrats and they're not going to like it.

Extensive biographies of every soldier killed in Dubya's war in Iraq. Remind yourself that unlike past presidents, Bush DOES NOT call the families to offer his personal condolences. This position is multi-national. When four Canadian soldiers were killed in Afghanistan by American forces, Bush called Canadian Prime Minister Jean Chretien to offer his condolences, NOT the families of the four soldiers.

Snapple paid New York City $166 million to become "the official water, juice and iced tea provider" for the nation's largest metropolis.

Good thing they didn't pick green tea because it's just too fucking good for you. Among other things, it prevents skin cancer.

This amazing site contains government surveys concerning every illegal drug on earth.

So You Wanna? teaches you everything you need in life that they didn't teach you in school. Check out "So You Wanna become a Buddhist?"

Hey, the Saudis have learned their lesson from our pre-emptive strike against Iraq and our non-pre-emptive strike against North Korea. They've learned that if they don't want to be invaded by the United States, all they need is nuclear weapons.

Got money problems? What the hell, sell your soul.