Contest!

Win a free grope from Governor Schwarzenegger!
(Contingent upon Schwarzenegger's agreement to participate)

Just tell us in 100 words or less why you'd rather be groped by Arnold Schwarzenegger in Sacramento than mauled by a tiger in Las Vegas.

Fake Headlines of the Week

Clinton's penis leaked CIA operative's identity
- GW Bush 04 -

Thousands Participate in Alzheimer's Fund-raiser Walk
In other news, Thousands Participate in Alzheimer's Fund-raiser Walk
- Fark -

Story CNN and Fox Mysteriously Missed

Nearly 4,000 U.S. troops have been medically evacuated from Operation Iraqi Freedom for non-combat reasons -- with more than one in five of those for psychiatric or neurological problems.

New Word of the Week

Liberalated (lib'er·al·at·ed): someone who used to be a conservative, or a Republican, but is so disgusted with George W. Bush and his administration that he or she will vote for just about any Democrat who is nominated.
- Counterspin -

Dueling Quotes

Statement the Dixie Chicks Were Reviled For...

"Just so you know, we're ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas."
- Natalie Maines -

Statement General Clark is Being Praised For...

Speaking after an event in Washington at the Congressional Black Caucus Foundation's annual conference, Gen. Wesley Clark told reporters that the American people are "really embarrassed" by the administration's leadership. 

Ain't Copyright Law Grand?

This site was successfully sued by Starbucks for using this parody logo but I can use it with impunity as a news item.

Lesson the Palestinians Could Learn from the Israelis

Three Jewish would-be terrorists who were planning a bomb attack against innocent Palestinian schoolgirls were sentenced to 12-15 year jail terms by an Israeli court.

Lesson the Israelis Could Learn from the Palestinians

Still looking.

Small Favors

Vin Diesel isn't going to be in the sequel to XXX.

Shockwave Movies of the Week

For three great Shockwave shorts about the war in "Badgag," check out Shock and Awe!.

Call your friends at dinnertime and tell them about Busy Signal by Mark Fiore.

Who said Dubya doesn't rock? Watch My United States of Whatever.

Take an Aspirin and Call Me in the Morning, Then Take Another Aspirin

Radio signals for the next generation of mobile phone services can cause headaches and nausea, according to a study conducted by three Dutch ministries.

The URL Says it All

http://www.onetermpresident.org/

Adding Insult to Injury

One of the Most Intelligent Things I've Ever Heard a Presidential Candidate Say

"I have changed on some of the issues. That's one of the hallmarks of who I am: I am a doctor; I believe that if you have a theory and a fact comes along that changes the theory, then you throw out the theory."
- Howard Dean -

On the Other Hand...

Vermont Gov. Howard Dean killed a medical marijuana bill that was on the verge of passage in 2002, ignoring pleas from the medical community, AIDS patient groups, and others.
- Common Dreams -

On the Other Other Hand

On the campaign trail, Dean promised to treat substance abuse as a medical issue, rather than a "criminal problem," and to fight racism in sentencing. 

"It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office."
- Shirley MacLaine -

Cartoon from Hell

History Lesson from Hell

Josef Goebbels was a failed novelist before he got a government job.

Don't Take My Word For It

"I, John Brown, am now quite certain that the crimes of this guilty land will never be purged away but with blood."
- John Brown: U.S. abolitionist, last statement before his execution, Dec. 2, 1859 -

"Getting the rights to distribute Procter and Gamble products would be a gold mine. One well-stocked 7-11 could knock out 30 Iraqi stores; a WalMart could take over the country." 
- an unnamed partner at New Bridge Strategies (DC lobbying firm) -

"The Congress has carefully drafted this bill so that it focuses only on those who would transgress the bounds of decency; not those who would exercise their legitimate right of dissent. This carefully drawn act recognizes that the revelation of the names of secret agents adds nothing to legitimate public debate over intelligence policy. It is also a signal to the world that while we in this democratic nation remain tolerant and flexible, we also retain our good sense and our resolve to protect our own security and that of the brave men and women who serve us in difficult and dangerous intelligence assignments."
- President Ronald Reagan before signing the Intelligence Identities Protection Act of 1982 -

"It must be acknowledged that there is no comprehensive statute that provides criminal penalties for the unauthorized disclosure of classified information irrespective of the type of information or recipient involved."
- John Ashcroft: 2002 report to Congress -

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow -

"Never look down on anybody unless you're helping him up."
- Jesse Jackson -

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
- Bertrand Russell -

"Judge Kollar-Kotelly brings a new low to the word 'ignorance.'"
- Vernon Bellecourt, president of the American Indian Movement's National Coalition on Racism in Sports and Media, on Kollar-Kotelly's decision to protect millions of dollars in sales of Redskins paraphernalia -

"You look at Morgan Freeman who is a tremendous actor. He started off playing a chauffeur in Driving Miss Daisy and then they elevated him to head of the CIA and then they elevated him to President and in his last role they made him God. I just wonder, isn't Rush Limbaugh right to question the fact, is he that good an actor or not? And was there a preference given? The same thing with the quarterback, did they give him a break? And are the media giving him a break or not?"
- Pat Robertson -

"It's the Pentagon's dirty little secret that the real mission of the Department of Defense is not defending American citizens and the territorial United States. More than 90% of America's vast military power is for the purpose of projecting American power into other parts of the world, not to defend North America. The Department of Offense would actually be a better moniker for the Pentagon."
- The Dumbest Idea of the Bush Administration -

"The special rapporteur finds it difficult to accept that the excessive use of force that disregards the distinction between civilians and combatants, the creation of a humanitarian crisis by restrictions on the mobility of goods and people, the killing and inhuman treatment of children, the widespread destruction of property and, now, territorial expansion can be justified as a proportionate response to the violence and threats of violence to which Israel is subjected."
- John Dugard: special rapporteur of the U.N. Commission on Human Rights for Palestinian territories -

"Britain should never have been involved and it will be very difficult to get our troops out in anything like the near future."
- Margaret Thatcher -

"Hostility toward America has reached shocking levels."
- the United States Advisory Group on Public Diplomacy for the Arab and Muslim World -

"DROPPIN' THE KIDS OFF @ THE POOL - Verb: to shit. Usage: 'I'll be ready to go in a few minutes: I have to drop the kids off @ the pool.'
- Filters Slang Repository -

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
- Oscar Wilde -

"The fundamental question was, did Saddam Hussein have a weapons program? And the answer was, absolutely. His regime had large, unaccounted-for stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons--including VX, sarin, cyclosarin, and mustard gas, anthrax, botulism, and possibly smallpox."
- Sam Smith: The Revision Thing - A History of the Iraq War Told Entirely in Lies -

"Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive."
- Sir Walter Scott -

"Governments need armies to protect them from their enslaved and oppressed subjects."
- Leo Tolstoy -

"Darkness creeps in like a thief and offers no relief."
- Peter Gabriel -

"Every person takes the limits for their own field of vision for the limits of the world."
- Arthur Schopenhauer -

"Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both."
- Oscar Wilde -

"Each snowflake in an avalanche pleads not guilty."
- Stanislaw J. Lee -

"How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it."
- Marcus Aurelius -

"Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility."
- Ambrose Bierce -

"President Bush is asking Congress to appropriate $600 million more to help him search for Saddam Hussein’s 'weapons of mass destruction.' Is this because he feels that Saddam and his WMD still pose an imminent threat to the United States? Given the hundreds of billions of dollars to invade, occupy, and 'rebuild' Iraq and the related thousands of deaths and widespread destruction, wouldn’t it have been cheaper to simply have accepted Saddam’s prewar invitation to permit CIA agents into Iraq to guide the UN inspectors to wherever they wanted? Why did the president rebuff the offer? Maybe it’s because he took Saddam’s invitation, along with Saddam’s denial that he possessed WMD, as conclusive proof of his guilt."
- Hornberger's Blog -

"A writer writes not because he is educated but because he is driven by the need to communicate. Behind the need to communicate is the need to share. Behind the need to share is the need to be understood. The writer wants to be understood much more than he wants to be respected or praised or even loved. And that perhaps, is what makes him different from others."
- Leo Rosten -

"The pollsters have recently been forced to admit that the majority of Americans are against the re-election of George Bush. Two wars, thousands of dead human beings, and nine million lost jobs later and people are beginning to realize that something is very wrong. In spite of this gradual awakening most registered voters continue to depend on TV for their news and they are kept woefully in the dark about issues like election reform and touch screen voting. The media has gone to great lengths to foster an illusion of legitimacy and normalcy surrounding the electoral process. People have been intentionally lead to believe that their vote counts and Bush could actually be booted out of office on Election Day. No way is Bush going to lose, it just cant happen. The 2004 election has already been rigged. The corporations and the military industrial complex have bought them selves a government and they aren't going to let some silly little presidential election jeopardize their investment."
- Schuyler Ebbets: The 2004 Election Has Already Been Rigged -

"Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist."
- Michael Levine -

"On September 16, 2003, the US vetoed a UN Security Council resolution asking Israel to desist from its threat to deport Yasser Arafat. Even American officials themselves recognize, off the record, that the resolution was reasonable and prudent, and that the increasingly wild pronouncements of Israel's present leadership, by restoring Arafat's standing in the Arab world, are a major impediment to peace. But the US blocked the resolution all the same, further undermining our credibility as an honest broker in the region. America's friends and allies around the world are no longer surprised at such actions, but they are saddened and disappointed all the same."
- Tony Judt: Israel: The Alternative -

"It's only a matter of time before we capture Saddam Hussein, or we kill him, or he dies of old age."
- Mark McGuffin -

"We are dealing with a country that can really finance its own reconstruction, and relatively soon."
- Paul Wolfowitz -

"A US government task force, which was set up as part of the planning for Iraq war, has contradicted the Bush Administration's assertion that Iraq's oil wealth would pay rebuilding costs of the country."
- Hindu on net -

"It does not require a majority to prevail, but rather an irate, tireless minority keen to set brush fires in people's minds..."
- Samuel Adams -

"I admired Hitler, for instance, because he came from being a little man with almost no formal education, up to power. And I admire him for being such a good public speaker and for his way of getting to the people and so on. But I didn't admire him for what he did with it."
- Ah-nuld, outtake from Pumping Iron -

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain."
- the man behind the curtain -

Don't Worry, It Can't Happen Here

The terrorist attacks against the U.S. on 11 September 2001 are being used by many countries as an excuse for a crackdown on religion.

Everything Else

Mandatory reading: Don't miss this year's winners of the Ig Nobel Prize. Send your personal congratulations to John Trinkaus for his detailed analysis of What percentage of shoppers exceed the number of items permitted in a supermarket's express checkout lane.

Chicago is about to become the largest of 200 U.S. cities to oppose civil liberties "abuses" invoked by the USA Patriot Act.

Meanwhile, New Jersey has made it illegal to drive while drowsy.

Here's an excellent bio of John Ashcroft.

Hey, you know that jerk selling land on the moon and Mars and Venus? He's made $6.25 million.

The cheapest rent in the United States...

Brownsville, TX .................. $405 
Erie, PA ......................... $424 
St. Louis, MO .................... $442 
Louisville, KY ................... $443 
Cincinnati, OH ................... $444 
Birmingham, AL ................... $446 
Dayton, OH ....................... $448 
Springfield, MO .................. $452 
Evansville, IN ................... $454 
Laredo, TX ....................... $454